ILiveInFlipFlops Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 It takes about an hour and 15 minutes to get to MIL's house, and when DH goes, he's gone for 6-7 hours (getting home around 11 at night, so we've already had a full day here, often including an outside class), including travel time. At MIL's house, they have dinner and then just hang around the apartment talking and doing nothing much. He goes every other week, with the occasional three-week interval depending on what's going on at the time. He takes both kids, and I go when there's a special occasion or when I've missed 3-4 visits. He doesn't like it and thinks I should be with him, but this is the ONLY time I get to myself ever, and I usually need it for cleaning or doing my paid work, so I've taken a hard stand on that. Oldest DD has reached a point where she doesn't want to go every time either. I really don't blame her. We have a lot going on right now, she's introverted like me, and she's bored at MIL's. I've started to discuss with DH the possibility of DD getting to stay home with me occasionally, but he's adamant that that's not acceptable in his family and culture and she has to go. (ETA: It is true that in his culture, weekly, loooong family visits are the norm. In our pre-kid life, we and all the siblings and significant others went up there every Saturday for 10-11 hours. This is expected and normal, so the current arrangement, while the best he can do, is viewed as insufficient already.) I've backed him up, but I'm starting to feel like DD is old enough to decide that she'd really rather stay home every once in awhile. I'm wondering if I should advocate for her on this or leave her to fight it out with him (which she won't do--she'll just go and be resentful and depressed and sad rather than argue with him). WWYD? Do you think kids have the right to a little bit of autonomy on issues like this after a certain point, or do you think when it comes to family visits, parental decree rules? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 It's only every other week. I would make the kids go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I'd say unless she's got a good excuse, like a paying job or Grandma is rude and dismissive, then she goes. I think both Dad and Daughter could put a bit of effort into making the experience enjoyable. We used to take movies to watch, and chuckle at Grandma snoozing through them. She never slept, of course. She just rested her eyes. ;) Occasionally we'd cook or do some gardening. Sometimes I'd clean her brass, because that made her happy even though I don't think she could see well enough to notice the difference. Very occasionally we'd help her make little breads for her old lady dolls. When she was too old for that, we'd look at the fashion pages in her women's magazines together and made rude comments about their frocks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I would make her go, but I would allow her to multi-task. Can she bring a project to work on? Sewing, handcrafts, scrapbooking, etc.? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 We spent every other Saturday of most of my childhood at my grandparents. My siblings and I would have liked not to have the command performance constantly. My mother really disliked how the family had to structure our busy lives around it. It became a burden. It was not something we did because we loved our time with grandma and granddad. We did stop going so often because my grandparents did something awful to my dad. We still did a lot with my grandparents after the change. However, any time we spent was out obligation not desire. We did not build strong loving bonds because of these visits. So, I think if your dh wants to visit he should. He should not require everyone join him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Is your DH willing to go for shorter visits? I think the length of the visit is probably a major part of the problem. Is it feasible for you to drive separately, and then return earlier with the kids if DH wants to stay? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 Is your DH willing to go for shorter visits? I think the length of the visit is probably a major part of the problem. Is it feasible for you to drive separately, and then return earlier with the kids if DH wants to stay? He won't go for shorter visits because he feels like if he's going to spend so much time in the car, he wants to spend as much time as possible there, and because even 4 hours with her is still a short visit for them, so he's trying to max it out. I do think the time of day is a problem too, but there's no choice about that because his mom works weekdays and DH works weekends, so this is the only time that will work. It's hard to get in the car at 4 p.m. after a full day of school/errands/outside classes, to face over an hour in the car, knowing you're not coming home until 11 p.m., and then you still have to get up to deal with the next school/work day as usual the next day :( Maybe this whole thing will get easier when she retires? We can't drive separately, since I don't go most of the time, and it doesn't make sense to put so many miles on both cars. Plus I have a very hard time driving in and around this particular part of the city--traffic is terrible, I'm nervous, and people drive crazy crazy crazy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 I would make her go, but I would allow her to multi-task. Can she bring a project to work on? Sewing, handcrafts, scrapbooking, etc.? She brings her iPad/laptop, but I think it's more the time in the car and the time of day for the visit that make it so exhausting. DH and youngest DD, both full of energy and very extroverted, have no problem with all of this. Oldest DD and I find the whole thing SO exhausting! Holidays are worse. After 6-7 hours in a small, hot apartment full of people (whom I love dearly!), I'm ready to claw someone's eyes out to get home. There's nowhere to walk to, no yard to sit in, nothing to do together. They put on the TV and then talk loudly over it. I'm getting twitchy just thinking about it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I don't know how old she is or what the area is like, but I'd be tempted to send her out to buy ingredients to make dessert, since that'd be a positive contribution to the family with built in escape time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
busymama7 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Could grandma come to you? Wondering if you could alternate homes hosting dinner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MolleenCarie Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Just remember you're setting a precedent for when you are the grandma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 My kids and I don't have a warm fuzzy relationship with my in-laws - just saying that so you know my bias. So, I would not make her go every time if she does not want to go. Making it an obligation sets up resentment which ultimately does not lead to great relationships later on. Let her go once a month. Or, make some visits shorter so they are more bearable. What is the point of forcing her? I'm asking this gently and sincerely because of course I don't know - and you don't have to answer - but does your husband want her to go because if she doesn't, it'll make him look bad to his mother? ETA: If your MIL is working, does she drive? Could you find a place to meet for dinner between you? Each of you drives 35 minutes or so, y'all eat dinner, have a nice visit, go home at a reasonable hour. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I think I know what you're talking about. For some people, a super long visit like that takes a day or two to recover from. I think it's ok at some point to allow a young person to have more say in something that involves such a huge chunk of time like that so frequently. What about if she goes once a month instead of the current 2x times? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 And could grandma come see you some? If she's still working , sounds like she could be capable of the drive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 What about giving her a certain number of "get of visiting Grandma's house" passes per quarter, year, or whatever. Then let her choose how to use them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Just remember you're setting a precedent for when you are the grandma. My kids and I talk about this a lot. I sure hope my grandkids want to see me, rather than come because they feel obligated. I am trying to plan ahead for that, to the extent that one can plan ahead that way. My mother loved her grandkids, but she understood that hanging around grandma's place for hours was not high on their list of most-loved things to do. She understood the value of short visits and always had found something interesting for the kids to focus on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Just remember you're setting a precedent for when you are the grandma. Or it could completely backfire. If her dd resents having been forced to visit her grandmother, she might very well tell her own kids they never have to visit relatives if they don't want to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Just remember you're setting a precedent for when you are the grandma. The grandma you are talking to is 1) an introvert and 2) not from the same culture as the grandma being visited. Grandmothering looks way different in many families and many varied patterns can be healthy. When I a grandmother, i don't want every other week visits. And I don't want bored kids for hours at a time. OP, it is common in the US for teens to begin to withdraw a bit from family expectations and pattern. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I don't think you said how old DD is, but I am not inclined to let kids make these choices. I agree with supporting the family culture, even if it's not a barrel of laughs. I agree with the poster upthread: it is modeling how you expect to be cared for when you are old md perhaps not a barrel of laughs. I "make" my kids assist their grandma by stacking wood or helping cook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Or it could completely backfire. If her dd resents having been forced to visit her grandmother, she might very well tell her own kids they never have to visit relatives if they don't want to go. This! I hear a lot of stories about MILs expecting a certain thing because of how they "had" to treat their MILs. NOPE. Just because one generation did something a certain way doesn't entitle them to the same thing in return. Also, I will never understand people who can enjoy visits from people that are forced. I would be just as miserable knowing people were visiting me who only did so out of obligation. Blah. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksr5377 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 My mom used to have to 'make' us visit her parents. I'm so happy she did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Or it could completely backfire. If her dd resents having been forced to visit her grandmother, she might very well tell her own kids they never have to visit relatives if they don't want to go. It could, but I would appeal to my child's compassion. I would say something like, "Hey, buddy, I know this isn't half so much fun as other things you could be doing, but you know Granny does not have a whole lot left to enjoy in this world. Half her friends and sisters have died, she can't safely drive anymore, and she can't even remember if she talked to anyone yesterday or not. It is a kindness we need to invest. You're welcome to bring your iPad/DS/whatever, but I really want you to physically be there." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I have older kids who are very happy they got to know their grandparents, even as it seemed 'boring' at the time. I like the idea of shopping and cooking. Also, bring a book, your tablet, do your homework etc. I agree that getting home earlier is a good compromise. 11 is too late. (Sorry about the bolded. I'm trying to fix that.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I think she just has to bring something to do more than the tablet. She needs a more concrete task. I am remembering this sort of time at my grandmother's house. I'm also an introvert, it also made me crazy sometimes. But now I'm sort of glad I had it. I'm even glad about the summer I had to spend there when we shelled peas all. freaking. summer. (Well, probably it was just two weeks, but it felt like it was forever). I feel like that story is part of my family identity, you know? At the time, if you had taken the bowl of peas away and told me I could go live in the library instead, I would have ran off immediately. But now you couldn't get me to part with that time in my mind for anything, if that makes sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I think she just has to bring something to do more than the tablet. She needs a more concrete task. I am remembering this sort of time at my grandmother's house. I'm also an introvert, it also made me crazy sometimes. But now I'm sort of glad I had it. I'm even glad about the summer I had to spend there when we shelled peas all. freaking. summer. (Well, probably it was just two weeks, but it felt like it was forever). I feel like that story is part of my family identity, you know? At the time, if you had taken the bowl of peas away and told me I could go live in the library instead, I would have ran off immediately. But now you couldn't get me to part with that time in my mind for anything, if that makes sense. Oh, man! dH, DD and I were *just* talking about shelling peas this morning! In our case, it was at my SIL's house in N. Carolina, where spent a week each summer. She was groaning today about the chore that was! But, she is so glad she has that story in the fabric of her life! How much more so, if the time comes, she could no longer visit her aunt's farm? Those are awesome memories, even if it didn't seem awesome when she was shelling 8,000 peas! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I'm just wondering -- does Grandma pay a lot of attention to the kids when they visit her? If she does, I think that means a lot. If she basically spends all of her time talking to your dh and the kids just sit there in the apartment with nothing to do, it seems unfair to force them to make the frequent visits, but if she really loves seeing them, I would feel sad for her if they stopped going to see her. Also, is there anything they can do outside of the apartment? Can your dh take his mom and your kids out to dinner or out to a mall when they go there? It would be more interesting for the kids and would give his mom a nice night out, as well. It wouldn't have to be anyplace expensive. One other thing -- can you let the kids sleep in a bit on the mornings after the visits to Grandma's house? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolatechip Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I feel really torn about this, because: I really appreciate the value of spending time with grandparents. They aren't going to be around forever, and the perspectives and wisdom they have are so valuable. But. I am a very introverted person, and spending that much time at someone else's space would prevent me from really being able to "let down." I'd get back exhausted, and having to focus on school the next day would be so difficult. I would see if there is any way that they could come back a little earlier. I know you said that long visits are the family culture, but 11 is really late for a kid who needs to be able to focus the next day. Or maybe you could compromise and come back earlier every other visit or something. I hope you can figure something out that will work! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Ah, some of y'all have interesting memories. Here are my kids' memories of their grandparents (my inlaws; my dad died before I was married and my mom when my kids were very little): Sitting around their house, watching college football or the weather channel, while their grandparents gossiped to my husband about people he does not remember or maybe never knew. Sometimes there would be a mention of going somewhere, but it rarely materialized - inertia would set in and it would get too late to go. Good times, eh? (BTW these people are not infirm or housebound; they are mobile; they travel to football games and to gambling resorts.) So you can see why I wouldn't force my teen. That's what I'm picturing from the OP! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Oh, man! dH, DD and I were *just* talking about shelling peas this morning! In our case, it was at my SIL's house in N. Carolina, where spent a week each summer. She was groaning today about the chore that was! But, she is so glad she has that story in the fabric of her life! How much more so, if the time comes, she could no longer visit her aunt's farm? Those are awesome memories, even if it didn't seem awesome when she was shelling 8,000 peas! That's excellent. Even though I loathed those peas as a kid, now when I go down south in the summer to buy a bushel and they're all shelled already, I feel a twinge of sadness that now you don't have to shell them. It's so funny how these things you hated as a kid can be your most cherished memories as an adult. Of course, not everything is like that. But with family it can be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I would have everyone go (including you) once a month. I would guess that your oldest dd would at least enjoy it a little more if you were there? I'd also try and find something to do during that visit that everyone would enjoy (at least a little!). Such as watch a movie together, play a game of cards, take a walk outside, or have coffee and cake together while really encouraging your kids to take part and feel like they are part of the conversation. Or, maybe your two kids could even take a walk together alone if they need a short break. You and your kids can clean the kitchen after dinner while your husband and MIL visit a little more. Perhaps your kids could read or do homework. They can always sleep in the car home. Maybe you can talk your husband into leaving a little earlier for those once-a-month visits. One time a month to visit with grandma isn't much to ask. It's part of being a family, and I'd guess that your MIL truly enjoys it. I think it also helps teach children that life isn't always about what you want to do, and that doing something for someone else is really important sometimes, even if it's not fun. One thing that helped our kids at adult events was to go over conversation starters in the car. The more they could interact with other people, the more they felt a part of it and enjoyed it. But, sometimes they'd need some ideas about what to talk about. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I would send her, but let her take a book or some needlework or a sketch pad or something to keep her busy. I agree with your husband. It's important for the kids to spend time with their extended family. "I don't feel like it" doesn't cut it IMO. Now if she had something else important to do, Dad could make an excuse for her. For example, a class that meets on that day, studying for a big test, a birthday party, a scout campout .... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I think that, even though it is only every other week, it is a long stay, it takes up many hours, and it sounds like there is nothing for the kids. They should not have to go every time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I probably would not argue about every other week, but I can see why this is bothering her. It would bother me to no end to spend a lot of time doing nothing. Maybe some coaching about meditation to make the car trip go by faster? That is my only suggestion, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bambam Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 We visited my grandmother and aunt every other Saturday when I was a pre-teen, tween, and tween. It was just what we did. But it was only for 2-3 hours (although it was a 4 hour round trip, so basically all day). Grandma and Aunt (lived together) really didn't have anything for us kids to do. She did live on a fair amount of acreage, so we explored the hen house (gathered eggs), the outbuildings, played on the swings, picked produce from the garden, played in the creek, explored a pasture, and more. It was great when I was younger but not so much as a teen. The adults just talked - about things and people I knew nothing. It wasn't interesting to me to listen to them at any age. So, is grandma trying to make it any fun for the children or is this just a duty visit? Of course, this is a discuss for your and your dh, but if this is just a "sit there and be seen and not heard" sort of event, I'd point out that possibly making a child go every time who has no interest is not the best idea for a long term relationship between grandma and grandchild. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I had great relationships with almost all of my grandparents and saw them multiple times a week, but they lived within a few miles of me. I'm so glad I have those memories. I did have one grandfather who wasn't nice and my dad (it was his dad) let us all start deciding whether or not we wanted to visit him when we were in the 14-16 age range. We all kept going for my dad and I'm glad we did. Even though I have good memories and wish we lived close enough to our own families to visit twice a month, I wouldn't make my dds go every other week in what you described. I think your dh should compromise by not staying so long and I honestly think you should make an effort to go at least once a month because your dd is probably just starting to take your lead. Have you said how old this dd is? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 For now, parent decree rules. Grandparents won't be around forever. And I agree that YOU need some alone time, too. That said, I do think it fair to allow her to negotiate maybe staying home for 1:1 with Mom for "girl talk" every other visit, perhaps. I remember when we three kids were small, Dad drove us an hour each way to see Grandma and Pop almost every weekend. My mom rarely came, as she cherished her alone time. We visited her folks less often, although the drive was about the same. When hubby and I first were married, his mom kept pointing out apartments very close to their house. "You'll be able to make Sunday dinner!" (hubby was one of six kids in a extroverted Italian/Polish/Irish family). Hubby was adamant - we lived a good HOUR away and did NOT make Sunday dinner. Still were expected to make every holiday and family birthday, so still there at least once a month. Once we had kids, MIL did spend time with them, playing or reading to them - really doing the grandma routine! She has passed, now, but my now grown kids have very fond memories of her. And of my dad, who was as active in their lives as he could be, living across the country from them and thus visiting less frequently. Now, my mom, when visiting, did not, in her own words, "do babies" as she had already "been there, done that". She ignored them as they grew up, too, even sitting for hours to play solitaire on the computer rather than interact with her grandkids. Yeah, I do not have great childhood memories of her, either, and was not surprised. Along with the long hours spent and the late return home - do the grandparents talk to or take an active interest in their granddaughter? Or do all the adults sit around talking to each other, ignoring her yet expecting her to be present? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Ok, so I was the first reply, and I replied thinking of *my* grandparents and my children's grandparents (my grandparents and my ILs). I never lived particularly close to family as a kid and I'm not sad about that. It's not that family is bad, but I just never felt like I missed out on anything. I lived with my grandparents, who were active and in their 40s when I was born - they are 77 and 75 now. They are still active lol. They garden and they go to shows in Branson and out for coffee with friends and they have season passes to Silver Dollar City :lol: . So they aren't really the 'stay at home' grandparents, though they can do that, too. Growing up it was my great-grandparents that I visited, usually for days at a time. It wasn't always super duper fun, but I don't recall ever hating it - I actually always enjoyed going to their house, but again, there was a lot of stuff that we did. The entire extended family was nearby - my grandma's 7 brothers and sisters and their kids, and sometimes their kids' kids (depending on if it was the older or younger set of brothers and sisters ;)). Her house always smelled good, and sure, there were days where I just sat with my headphones on and drew in my sketchbook for 3-4 hours at a time, but that was okay. Most of the time that wasn't the case - when I was old enough, I would even just go for a walk when it was nice out. When I was younger, sometimes it was older cousins and I, and we went down to the park or the pool or the movie theater. Now, for my kids, they have my grandparents, who we see twice a year for about a week or a little more at a time. They LOVE when they come/we go. When we go out there we are busy every day because my grandparents want to take us everywhere... shows, restaurants, parks, you name it. When they come here it's a little more low key because we aren't as close to as many things as they are (still reasonable at an hour drive, but not something you want to do daily, plus DH still works when they're here), so we do a lot of chilling at home and punctuating our time with smaller trips - eating out or going out for ice cream or for a walk.\ And my ILs are still young, too - 62 and 60. They have about 5 acres with a pond that the kids all LOVE. My kids absolutely adore going to Granny and Grandpa's house. (More than I do :lol: ) So... I would try to find more stuff that would give them things to do. I know there isn't really the extended family option (or atleast nothing you spoke of), but even just cooking together or heck, playing board games would be an improvement to just sitting around. ETA: Oh, and 11 means nothing to me. I don't think that's late at all. Back when we had to get up at 6:45 for the kids to go to school, yeah, definitely late. But now? Nah. That's the early end of when I usually go to bed personally, and the kids only go to bed an hour before but are usually still awake at that point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I would make her go too, unless she had a job or a committed activity or a special occasion (best friend's birthday, etc) during that time frame. I would allow her to bring books,projects, board games, technology, etc. It's also time with her father on the drive, etc. If her father thinks it's important and he feel like it's part of his family culture, I would honor that. I do think it should be between her and her father on that decision, and I would encourage her to talk to him about it if she wants to. My ILs have monthly gatherings which I loathe. I mostly go. The kids always go. My ILs are in their 80's and treasure these get togethers. Even though these events are mind numbingly boring to me, we go. Also, as a homeschooling parent if I knew I were going to get every other Sunday to myself to recharge, I wouldn't want to give that up either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I try to be watchful over how much rest/sleep my kids get, so I would probably vote to have her visit once a month because it's not great to have a kid get BACK from a trip at 11 at night and still have to get up for school in the morning. That would be very hard on my ODD because she has an intense gym schedule too. I think for the visits she does have, taking something up is important. I have a similar situation; DH takes the girls to MIL's and it's hot in her house with no internet. I need some alone time, so I almost never go. The girls do go, but they take books and crafts. But if DH was returning at 11 and she had a full day of school and practice the next day, I would appeal to cut the visit short. JMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Oh, and could you adjust the schedule to allow the kids to sleep in a bit the day after the trip to Grandma's house? Isn't it the nature of homeschooling that we can be flexible if needed more easily than folks stuck in brick and mortar schools? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I would make her address her issue with her dad since he is the one who is making the decision. It is not unreasonable for her to not want to go but it is equally not unreasonable for your dh to want her to go. If she can explain the issue to her there shouldn't be a reason she can't do the same to your dh. The most I would do if I were you is to urge dh to hear her out and urge her to come up with an appealing reason for being let out of the obligation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I think she just has to bring something to do more than the tablet. She needs a more concrete task. I am remembering this sort of time at my grandmother's house. I'm also an introvert, it also made me crazy sometimes. But now I'm sort of glad I had it. I'm even glad about the summer I had to spend there when we shelled peas all. freaking. summer. (Well, probably it was just two weeks, but it felt like it was forever). I feel like that story is part of my family identity, you know? At the time, if you had taken the bowl of peas away and told me I could go live in the library instead, I would have ran off immediately. But now you couldn't get me to part with that time in my mind for anything, if that makes sense. My task was picking up pecans, in the freezing cold. Okay, it was the Gulf Coast so not that cold, but I felt like I was working on the Arctic tundra. My grandmother was not a motherly woman, but I treasure the memories at her house. She passed away a few years ago, after nearly a decade of fading. Even if the grandparents live a long life, there may come when they are not always mentally aware. I'd encourage my dd to go, but ask for a once-a-month compromise or meeting in the middle on alternate visits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 If Grandma interacts with the grandkids on a level that is appropriate for their ages, then dd should go. If Grandma ignores the kids for the most part and provides nothing for them to do that's appropriate for their ages...well that's murkier. I'd like to flat out say that she shouldn't have to go if they won't interact with her and expect a girl to just sit there staring at the walls, but real life isn't always that easy. You're asking us because you're deciding whether or not to start a conversation with your DH about this and he is going to be completely opposed to your dd staying home. It'll be a battle. Instead of "should she stay or should she go," I think you should ask him to tell his mother that they need to do a better job including dd in with what's going on at Grandma's. They, as the adults, need to find a way to connect with her as a young adult. That would be the compromise that would be most helpful. Grandma needs to take a strong active role in this. DH needs to spell out that your dd is bored out of her mind and will begin to resent everyone. (teach her to cook, run errands together, learn some sort of craft together, put puzzles together, TURN OFF THE TV, etc.) And--books on cd for the drive. Library. Free. Will make the time fly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamakelly Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Gosh that sounds like a long day for everyone! Can grandma come visit you sometimes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I wouldn't make my kids go that frequently or for that long. I actually would not force relationships at all - though I do encourage certain things, and it helps that one set of grandparents here is very willing to,go more than half way to help build/maintain relationships. Less so the other set, partly due to health probs but when she was better, that grandma for ex spent time helping my dd to sew, and together they made some dresses and skirts a few years ago. The more involved grandparents visit, join us in vacations and camping etc. At that age though my kids are allowed to bow out of invites to extended family things. I would encourage Skype or phone calls and shorter visits but this sounds way too much. As I posted recently in a different thread, I'm not big on obligations. Relationships should be rewarding in and of themselves. If ever I have grandkids, I want them to see me because they want to, not because someone made them or they feel obligated. I'd make their visits rewarding and interesting so they would want to come. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I'm going through this myself-long visits are also expected in my family culture, and dh has been trying to find ways to get out of it for years...despite the visits being quite infrequent (no more than twice yeraly, generally), because of the distance. Of course all the kids are following in his footsteps. Honestly, it really hurts me that my kids and dh are not willing to make much effort at all to spend some time with my frail and elderly parents. It is so very important to them and they adore my kids, even though we don't live nearby. So my perspective is honestly that yes the kids should definitely go and frankly, I think you probably should too, at least some of the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 For the record, I don't think extended family expectations mean anything. Do people really bow to that? I feel like the relationship should be mutually chosen. I am not a fan of people pulling the culture card. The immediate family culture trumps the extended family culture. I also don't think being extended family status is, by itself, a reason for a relationship. I think the visits as described are far too long, and too catering to the grandparents. I don't think it will likely achieve much but memories of resentment. I would intervene because I have to stand up for my children first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I remember visiting my grandparents a few times a year. It was largely boring, once we were too old to play with my mom's old toys or to enjoy the novelty of my grandmother's computer, especially once they moved to a very fancy apartment with no room to run or go outside. They were always glad to see us, but beyond a little interaction with us kids, the adults sat around and talked. I always brought books and projects, and I have largely fond, or at least mostly pleasant, memories of the time, if not a very close relationship with my grandparents. But that was only a couple of times a year, and often, they came to visit us, and they were often at our birthdays and other big events, so it was a two-way street, and I know they were making some effort, although I wish they had been a little more fun and hands-on, not so formal. Quite frankly, I think your MIL is being rude, if she expects children to sit around and be quiet while the adults watch tv and talk. That's not grandparenting. That's turning yourself into an obligation and building resentment. I would continue to send things for the kids to do, but I would also try to make it possible for them to interact with their grandmother a bit more, whether that's cooking together, crafts, puzzles, games, whatever. If Grandma really resists doing much interaction with the kids, and she really just wants to watch tv and talk with the adults, and the kids are largely ignored, then I would cut the visits down to once a month or once every six weeks (and I'd go too, both in support and as an example to my children). If you want someone to come to see you (especially if you're spry enough that you're still working, like your MIL is), then you should make it a pleasant experience for them and interact with them. I hope when I'm a grandparent that I realize how little time I will have with my grandchildren, so that I make the most of it. I'd also compensate for the late hours somehow -- sleep in a bit the next day, have the kids nap at Grandma's or in the car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I get both sides of this coin. I understand not wanting to go as it is a long day. I am an introvert and it takes some major recharge time after a long day like you describe. But as someone who would give her right arm so my kids could see my father one more time I would make mine go. There are plenty of do overs I wish I could have. There were opportunities I passed on because I always thought there would be more time. As for the boredom, well being bored is part of life. Your dh needs to be helping her brainstorm some ways to make the experience less boring. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I get both sides of this coin. I understand not wanting to go as it is a long day. I am an introvert and it takes some major recharge time after a long day like you describe. But as someone who would give her right arm so my kids could see my father one more time I would make mine go. There are plenty of do overs I wish I could have. There were opportunities I passed on because I always thought there would be more time. As for the boredom, well being bored is part of life. Your dh needs to be helping her brainstorm some ways to make the experience less boring. :grouphug: This is really so dependent on the relationship. I sincerely doubt my kids will miss their paternal grandparents when they are gone. The grandparents have not invested in a relationship with them. It's not up to the kids to do that; the adults set the tone. If a grandparent is uninterested (or worse) in a kid, they cannot expect a warm loving relationship. Of course it is different if the grandparent is old and infirm, which appears not to be the case in the OP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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