Desert Strawberry Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Could someone enlighten me please? The topic of sacrifices parents make for their children comes up so often. D and I have been talking a lot about this because of a discussion with his mother. I am at a loss. Aside from the obvious relocation of resources-I can't buy new shoes or get a massage or sleep late on Saturday because my children have pressing needs-what sacrifices do parents make for their children? I'm specifically talking about the big ones. The ones an adult might be reminded of by an aging parent. I must be looking at this differently, because I can't see any sacrifices I have made for my children. I can see sacrifices they have had to make for me, or as D calls them, our failures to provide for them. Anything we have gone without were the result of our own choices, and not the kids, kwim? I guess I gave up my career to stay home, but that feels much more like a privilege than a sacrifice. Can you all give me some specific, large examples of sacrifices you have made for your children or your parents made for you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 In olden times (and probably today too), there are parents who stayed in unhappy marriages because of the fear/stigma regarding divorce. I don't know if that's as common today, but it was back in the 60s and 70s. I know parents where the Mom and/or Dad works an extra job or even two so that the kid can pursue a hobby or passion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Yeah, I don't see it as a sacrifice, either. I see it as exchanging one lifestyle for another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 My mother stayed in a marriage with a husband who cheated on her repeatedly because she had three young children and no way to provide for them on her own. That's a sacrifice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdj2027 Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 No sacrifices here either way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 We could double our income, but I would much rather be home with dd than working. We have talked about cruising for years and will hopefully still be able to do that in a couple of years with dd. I don't have anything that I would rather being doing than staying home with dd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Idk. I look at my sister who works long hours and gets up super early to pump for the baby--that's a sacrifice. She could easily switch to formula and sleep longer. Or the woman who gets pregnant knowing her pregnancies are hard or that she'll need a c-section. That's a sacrifice for her child, right? I think parents sacrifice for their kids, multiple times a day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 My mother stayed with my father, back in the olden days of the 60's and 70's, also because she thought she had no way of supporting us 5 kids. But, frankly, I would have preferred extreme poverty to the chaos that was the turbulent and sometimes violent atmosphere that was our household. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 60s and 70s is olden times?! LOL Makes me think of the time my DS referred to Pearl Jam as "oldies". Turn off the radio whenever the new groups being admitted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame are announced. I find it very disconcerting when acts that started after I left college are being admitted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pronghorn Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Well, I think we all make sacrifices, even if we view them as privileges. They may be worth it, but they are nevertheless sacrifices. Sometimes I feel like I sacrificed my brain due to all those years of constant attention my daughter needed, along with years of sleepless nights and lack of exercise, and hours and hours of holding her while she worked through her anger and fears. My lifestyle was downright unhealthy for a long time. I did what needed to be done for my daughter, both a privilege and a sacrifice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Although I think of all of these as things I chose to do instead of doing something else, my husband and I have certainly given up on lots of things we might have benefited from or enjoyed in order to support our kids' talents and passions. We don't own a home. We don't go on vacations very often and, when we do, the trips are built primarily around the kids' interests. Our travel budget for the last decade or so has been spent on driving to and from our daughter's campus and/or having me take our son to dance competitions and events. We spent several years juggling very hectic schedules, rarely being home for dinner as a family, and not attending social events because one or the other of us (sometimes both, with different kids in different directions) was busy taking a kid somewhere. For a good number of years, I had very, very little time for myself, which took a toll on my very introverted self. I delayed or avoided going to the doctor or otherwise taking care of myself properly because we were busy devoting our time and resources to keeping the kids happy and healthy. I worked less-than-stimulating retail jobs for several years in order to pay for the kids' extracurricular activities. I cashed in a small stash of stock I had accumulated in order to take my daughter on a trip we could not have afforded otherwise and that was important to her. I have put a ridiculously huge number of miles and a ton of wear and tear on my car getting one teen or the other to and from activities. I have also delayed doing appropriate maintenance on the car because paying my son's dance tuition or my daughter's voice teacher seemed more important that month. We borrowed quite a bit of money to make it possible for our daughter to attend the early entrance college program, and we'll be scrimping on other expenses to pay off those loans for many years after she's moved out. I routinely gave up sleep, rest and opportunities to recharge my own batteries in order to bake one more batch of cookies for the next bake sale or make one more costume for whatever community theatre production my kids were in or drive one kid or the other to one more audition or stay up for hours to talk a kid through a crisis . . .. There's more, of course, but I assume these are the kinds of things people mean when they talk about sacrificing for their kids. Now, for what it's worth, I don't resent or begrudge a single one of those choices. For me, supporting my kids to the very best of our ability is my highest priority and the thing that gives me the most joy and satisfaction. I am not a person who cares much about money; I value it only as a tool I can use to do things I care about. And, since what I care about most is my kids, I have no problem "giving up" whatever money I have for their benefit. I can't say my husband feels quite as much peace with our choices, though. He's as proud of our kids as it's possible for a human to be, but I know he keeps a much more detailed tally in his head of this kind of stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I gave up a career, which was a big part of my identitly. My retirement is going to look significantly different than other people who had been on the career track I was on. I always thought I'd travel more. Can't do that. I do try to get my dc into opportunities where they can travel. Ds went to Quebec when he was 11 and France when he was 15. I'm hoping dd can go to France next year. I am encouraging dc to seriously consider study abroad. I will try to help them as much as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 No way could I categorize anything I've done or ever will do for my kids as a sacrifice. I knowingly and willingly chose to bring them into this world. How then could I justifiably call anything I do for them a sacrifice? That smacks of self-made martyrdom to me. (Please note that's how I feel about it and I don't feel any need to defend that. I realize others may view their own situations differently, and that's certainly their right.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebug42 Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I feel I did sacrifice a lot of myself when my children were younger. I don't regret doing it and I would do it again if necessary but it was sacrifice nonetheless. I am at heart an actor/director of live theatre. I love it. It feeds my soul and is part of who I am. For the first 10 years after I had my oldest daughter, I was unable to participate because of needing to work nights to be available for my children during the days. For that 10 years, I also lived on about 4-5 hours of sleep per night. Overall, I was not only sleep deprived but, especially in the last few years of it, just not happy with myself. 3 years ago, I was able to switch to a weekend job so that now my evenings and nights are free again. I can sleep normally and I have been able to get back involved with theatre. I feel so much more myself than I have in a long time. However, now I sacrifice time with my husband, because I only rarely see him since my weekends are busy. Fortunately, my whole family loves working in theatre so we get to enjoy that together. Sorry for the endless babbling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pronghorn Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 No way could I categorize anything I've done or ever will do for my kids as a sacrifice. I knowingly and willingly chose to bring them into this world. How then could I justifiably call anything I do for them a sacrifice? That smacks of self-made martyrdom to me. (Please note that's how I feel about it and I don't feel any need to defend that. I realize others may view their own situations differently, and that's certainly their right.) I guess I am a self-made martyr then! I had no idea what I was getting into, and I had a wild ride with my hypervigilant screamer. I did not set out to become a martyr, but when a child has needs it is up to the parent to fulfill them. I squeaked by just barely, so I had to sacrifice. That fact does not demean my child. She was absolutely worth it, and parenting her has been the greatest experience of my life! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I can't say I have made any "big sacrifices" so far other than the money I spend on them, but I'm not sure what I would have done with the money instead. I sacrifice sleep because I'm a night person and they have to be up and out in the mornings. But that is not a "big sacrifice." I've cut way down on my exercise and reading, but I'm hoping that is temporary and not too significant in the long run. I think some people sacrifice for their kids by choosing the location of their home in an area with good schools etc. I consider my parents to have sacrificed because they had a houseful of kids when they were pretty young. Their friends were out having fun and they were trying to be responsible parents. Some of their friends did have kids and put themselves first anyway, to their kids' disadvantage. My parents, though poor, made parochial elementary school happen for most of us. There are probably other things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary in VA Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I think a lot of it comes down to your point of view. We have two dds who are now grown, 24 and 19. The younger is still in college. Looking from the outside at our family it would look like we had "sacrificed" for our children. I gave up a career as a lawyer to stay home with them, we homeschooled them (sacrificing time and money), we paid/are paying for the college costs not covered by scholarships, just raising children in general is a big time and money investment. And all of that is not counting the emotional investment in them. BUT we don't feel like we have sacrificed AT ALL. It is the way we chose to live our lives an we love it and our children. It is particularly rewarding now as we are seeing the fruits of our labor-adult children we enjoy being around. :001_smile: My husband has a married co-worker with no children. They travel and cruise A LOT. They have tons of disposable income and a beautiful, expensive house. We look at their life and think how sad we would be in that situation. We are happy with the "sacrifices" we have chosen and the outcomes. We are looking forward to in-laws and grandkids when the time comes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 This is very thought provoking! Is it a sacrifice when you choose a certain path and then live up to that choice? (I recognize not everyone "chooses" parenthood consciously.) But for those of us who did decide to have a child...to me that choice means you are going to put your child's interests ahead of your own in most ways. Yes, that is sacrificing "self", but you *chose* it. Granted when I chose it I really had no clue what all it would include and the broadness of it...but yes, I had a general idea. So does that count as a sacrifice? I guess it does, but certainly not one your children *owe* you for or anything. They didn't ask it from you. You took it on when you became a parent. It's part of the job description. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I don't feel like I've sacrificed anything for my kids specifically. I've sacrificed so I could have the number of children that is right for our family. I've sacrificed so my dh can remain at a job that he loves but overworks him and underpays him. I've sacrificed so I could share my love of certain things with my children. I've sacrificed so we as a family can be more financially secure. I don't few the lack of sleep, lack of ability to exercise and care for myself properly, lack of vacations, etc as sacrifices. I view them as the result of decisions we as a family have made. But different people will view it differently. But no one should ever hold it against their adult children since they chose to make those sacrifices not their children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pronghorn Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I sometimes think that my elderly mother's poor health is partly due to the years of stressful single-parenting she did. There was no martyrdom there, just love and necessity. I think calling it sacrifice is telling the truth. And to me truth is very important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I'm going to come at this from a different angle.....There have been lots of good ideas mentioned already. Sometimes a part of aging is just realizing all of the things you didn't do in life but kind of wish you had. Sometimes realizing those moments have passed you by is uncomfortable, and if one is aging and not managing emotions well....sometimes that gets misdirected at the nearest target. I think a fair amount of family drama in my extended family lately has been people recognizing their own mortality and that now that they are retired (when they had hoped to do stuff) that they don't have the energy or health to take on some of those dreams. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 60s and 70s is olden times?! LOL Makes me think of the time my DS referred to Pearl Jam as "oldies". "Olden times" actually meant before that…..the 60s/70s reference was referring to when I think it started to change…the stigma of divorce. In some cultures, men automatically receive custody of the kids. In the US until recently, it was common for the woman to pretty much automatically receive custody. So there are parents who stayed in unhappy marriages because of those facts. As for "Pearl Jam"…yup….they're an oldie. I remember when I was growing up, the "oldies" station played stuff from the 50s/60s…well that was 20-30 years prior….so seeing as Pearl Jam first hit it big around 90/91…. that's 20+ yrs ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pronghorn Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 It seems as if some are saying that because something is a choice it is not a sacrifice. Does the word sacrifice imply a lack of choice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I can't imagine any, really. I've been told that I sacrificed my childhood for my daughter, but that simply isn't true - I made a mistake, got pregnant young, and was determined to provide for the child who didn't ask to be brought into such a situation. If anything, her existence sacrificed for ME - she had to sacrifice a stable early childhood, to make room for my own "growing up". In this season of our lives, I can't imagine much that we sacrifice other than sleep... but, again, I wouldn't call that a sacrifice on our part. Calling it a sacrifice would imply, in my own mind, that these small miraculous beings asked to be born, thus demanding we give up x, y, z for them... and they didn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amira Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I think I have chosen to sacrifice a lot of things for my children. That doesn't mean I feel like a martyr or that they owe me anything; it's just part of the deal with being a decent parent. You're going to give up a lot to raise children. Like others have mentioned, I think this has a lot to do with the way you define sacrifice. At its simplest, I think it means giving up something for a greater purpose, and I think that's what parenthood is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Hmm, I do feel like giving up my career path was a sacrifice. One I would make again, by the way. But doing so is not what my first choice would have been for myself. I did it, and would do it again, because in the balance of children's needs verses personal needs I chose the children's needs. That is my definition of a sacrifice in this context. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I guess that I see homeschooling as a sacrifice. I'm thankful that I've been able to do it. But, it has been very difficult, and hasn't exactly been bringing me loads of money or prestige. :laugh: Budgeting our lives on a shoestring so that I can stay home with our kids is a sacrifice, but again, I'm thankful that we do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Strawberry Posted August 5, 2014 Author Share Posted August 5, 2014 Although I think of all of these as things I chose to do instead of doing something else, my husband and I have certainly given up on lots of things we might have benefited from or enjoyed in order to support our kids' talents and passions. We don't own a home. We don't go on vacations very often and, when we do, the trips are built primarily around the kids' interests. Our travel budget for the last decade or so has been spent on driving to and from our daughter's campus and/or having me take our son to dance competitions and events. We spent several years juggling very hectic schedules, rarely being home for dinner as a family, and not attending social events because one or the other of us (sometimes both, with different kids in different directions) was busy taking a kid somewhere. For a good number of years, I had very, very little time for myself, which took a toll on my very introverted self. I delayed or avoided going to the doctor or otherwise taking care of myself properly because we were busy devoting our time and resources to keeping the kids happy and healthy. I worked less-than-stimulating retail jobs for several years in order to pay for the kids' extracurricular activities. I cashed in a small stash of stock I had accumulated in order to take my daughter on a trip we could not have afforded otherwise and that was important to her. I have put a ridiculously huge number of miles and a ton of wear and tear on my car getting one teen or the other to and from activities. I have also delayed doing appropriate maintenance on the car because paying my son's dance tuition or my daughter's voice teacher seemed more important that month. We borrowed quite a bit of money to make it possible for our daughter to attend the early entrance college program, and we'll be scrimping on other expenses to pay off those loans for many years after she's moved out. I routinely gave up sleep, rest and opportunities to recharge my own batteries in order to bake one more batch of cookies for the next bake sale or make one more costume for whatever community theatre production my kids were in or drive one kid or the other to one more audition or stay up for hours to talk a kid through a crisis . . .. There's more, of course, but I assume these are the kinds of things people mean when they talk about sacrificing for their kids. Now, for what it's worth, I don't resent or begrudge a single one of those choices. For me, supporting my kids to the very best of our ability is my highest priority and the thing that gives me the most joy and satisfaction. I am not a person who cares much about money; I value it only as a tool I can use to do things I care about. And, since what I care about most is my kids, I have no problem "giving up" whatever money I have for their benefit. I can't say my husband feels quite as much peace with our choices, though. He's as proud of our kids as it's possible for a human to be, but I know he keeps a much more detailed tally in his head of this kind of stuff. Ah. I see. We don't do any of this. We have a totally different lifestyle. I can see that you really are making sacrifices that I have never even thought about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I don't view the lifestyle changes as sacrifices, but from the outside looking in - they could be viewed that way. Hmmm, what about stepparents? I moved across the country, leaving my career behind, to be near my skid. Again, I didn't view it as a sacrifice, but it was a huge change. We drove 60 miles per day, and spent 2 - 3 hours in traffic getting him to/from school each day (crazy parenting schedule - every other night). That's a lot of wear and tear on a car, but it gave us lots of time for bonding. Maybe that was a sacrifice for our other son - he was an infant/toddler on lots of those rides. I don't know, I can't view the changes I made to be a stepparent as any more sacrificial than the changes I made to parent the kids that were "all" mine. It's just what we did, it was the right thing, it felt good, and it was life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 A lot of sleep and pride. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 At the moment, I feel like I have sacrificed my sanity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Sleep is the only thing that feels like a sacrifice to me. Everything else I'd label opportunity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 My mother homeschooled us younger 4 kids in a house with no power, no running water, and very little insulation in a winter that hit -50 numerous times. We ate from her family allowance check, and she often went without food and sleep trying to make things work for us kids. She sacrificed her health and sanity to try and make sure we were ok. Really, I wish she had just packed up and left with us and went back to work, it would've been less stressful. She sacrificed HUGELY for us kids, but in so many ways, I just wish she hadn't. That kind of sacrifice rarely ends with anyone really happy, because if mom is falling apart emotionally and physically, well the kids aren't going to do very well either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Strawberry Posted August 5, 2014 Author Share Posted August 5, 2014 This is very thought provoking! Is it a sacrifice when you choose a certain path and then live up to that choice? (I recognize not everyone "chooses" parenthood consciously.) But for those of us who did decide to have a child...to me that choice means you are going to put your child's interests ahead of your own in most ways. Yes, that is sacrificing "self", but you *chose* it. Granted when I chose it I really had no clue what all it would include and the broadness of it...but yes, I had a general idea. So does that count as a sacrifice? I guess it does, but certainly not one your children *owe* you for or anything. They didn't ask it from you. You took it on when you became a parent. It's part of the job description. You hit on an excellent point. All I have ever wanted in life is to be a mommy. All of my other choices lead to that end. Of course I don't feel like I'm sacrificing because this was always my goal. I would imagine someone who was thrust into the role would feel losses much more sharply. The priorities are different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muttichen Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 We are paying for college for six kids out of our retirement fund. I tell them to remember that when we're old! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I think the issue is not so much what we have chosen, but how we define sacrifice. To me, sacrifice is when I chose putting someone else's best interest ahead of my own. There are small sacrifices and large ones. I have made many small sacrifices for my dd. Doing without various things from new clothing and treats to skipping my annual eye exam so she could get one instead. I have made some larger sacrifices for her also, such as giving up my car most of the week so she can have one to drive to school or work, giving up my career in order to homeschool, turning down lucrative job opportunities in order to stay home and raise her. I have not begrudged any of these sacrifices. I made them intentionally, putting her best interests ahead of mine. IMO, our lifestyle is a result of those small and large sacrifices, along with many other things such as our religious beliefs, our philosophy on life, the blessings we as a family have received, etc. I believe that a sacrifice is an optional choice, not one that is forced upon someone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scrub Jay Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Sleep for sure. I love being a mother. But it doesn't mean I don't sacrifice to be a mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I define a sacrifice as doing something that is better for the kids than it is for me. I can think of only one time that was true for me. For everything else, I've benefitted as much as they have. I feel very lucky that I have the lifestyle I do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 You hit on an excellent point. All I have ever wanted in life is to be a mommy. All of my other choices lead to that end. Of course I don't feel like I'm sacrificing because this was always my goal. I would imagine someone who was thrust into the role would feel losses much more sharply. The priorities are different. It may also have to do with what kids you get. I definitely chose to have my kids. However, I had no idea when I did make that choice who they would turn out to be and what twists and turns our life would take because of that. When I had my daughter, I'd never even heard of homeschooling. I had no clue she would turn out to need so much investment in her education or that we would need to figure out how to pay for college six years early. I had no way to foresee the family drama that would spark her emotional difficulties and make my primary job for a few years be just holding her together. I couldn't anticipate that both of my kids would have talent and drive to perform that has meant devoting either time and energy or money (and often both) to making sure they get appropriate opportunities. So, while I don't feel I have "lost" anything by being the best parent I can be to these two kids, it is undeniable that, choice or not, I had no idea what I was getting into when I decided to have them. Yes, I wanted to be a mom, but I couldn't have known what being their mom would require of me. I don't regret any of it. My kids have been my priority from the day my husband and I chose to have them, and I've loved it. Now that both of mine are moving on and away from me (one to her own home 1,100 miles away and the other to college) I'm struggling with enormous sadness that it is over. And if I had the opportunity, I would love to go back and relive the whole thing. But none of that means it didn't also involve sacrifice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 It seems as if some are saying that because something is a choice it is not a sacrifice. Does the word sacrifice imply a lack of choice? Not to me - I can't think of any sacrifice that doesn't involve choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggie96 Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Webster's definition: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sacrifice the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone By this definition, I have sacrificed much, both big and small, to get something (beautiful, smart, happy, etc. children), to do something (raise them how I want on my terms,etc.), and to help someone (my children so many ways big and small). There has been a price to pay (sacrifice) to rear my munchkins, but, of course, the sacrifice has been worth it. I will "get" something in the end that I will enjoy for the rest of my life, and hopefully, they will be "helped" by it for the rest of theirs. And I hope that while I won't demand anything in return from them as adults for those sacrifices (because then, to me, it would no longer be a sacrifice), they will understand and appreciate those sacrifices, big and small, and willingly make sacrifices for their children as well. I did not understand the sacrifices my own mom made for me until I became a mom and willingly made some of the same sacrifices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pronghorn Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Sometimes in life we have to choose between two dreams, e.g. the dream of a wonderful career and the dream of homeschooling. This might not involve much loss for some people, but for others it is a pretty big deal. For some people, claiming that they never sacrificed might be denying themselves the opportunity to mourn and come to a sense of peace about the path not taken. Psychologically, I think it is best to call it what it is and acknowledge what we have lost. Then we can look at the gains too and remind ourselves that it was worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meena Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 After my parents divorced, my mom really wanted to move closer to her parents. But that would mean moving us away from our dad and his family, as well as away from my sister's school and my mom's job (our main source of income since my dad was able to negotiate his child support to almost nothing and refused to pay alimony). I feel like her choice to stay was a true sacrifice for us because it didn't benefit her in any way and actually made her life more difficult. Now that I'm an adult, I can see how she was looking out for us more than herself, while my dad looked out for himself and his own interests more than those of mine and my sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I did sacrifice my career for the past 9 years and to be perfectly honest, some days I think I made the wrong decision. Just to be clear, I don't regret having kids, I just sometimes regret quitting to stay home and homeschool. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeteranMom Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Not sure if I sacrifice anything to have my kids. I go without a lot of things for myself in order to provide things for them, but I think that's part of the job. It was my choice to have kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I honestly don't feel like I lost something worth mourning. And maybe you really haven't lost anything worth mourning. I admit that I have "lost" a lot by being the parent I am. I've gained a lot, too. And I don't regret making the choices I did, but I did lose much along the way. When I was pregnant with my daughter, my husband and I each worked out plans with our different employers that would have allowed us to share childcare and still work full-time by having each of us work at home a couple of days a week. Our daughter would have needed to go to a babysitter just one day a week. It was a great plan. However, while I was out on maternity leave, both employers took back those agreements. My husband's department reorganized, and his new management wouldn't honor the plan. And my manager kept informing me of one thing after another that made the situation not workable/not worthwhile. (First, I was told I couldn't work from home but could work part-time. I agreed to that. Then I was told that, as a part-timer, I could not keep my supervisory duties. I agree to that, too. Then I was told that, as a part-time, non-manager, I wouldn't be able to keep my favorite kinds of projects and would be relegated to just being an editor again. I agreed to that. Then I was told that, in order to keep my job, I had to return to work two weeks earlier than I had planned. I even agreed to that. And then I was told that I had to show up for a meeting later that same week, well before my official return-to-work day.) So, when our daughter was four weeks old, without planning it in advance, I became a stay-at-home mom. At the time I made that choice, my salary was about equal to my husband's, I had a job I loved for the first time, and my career was in growth mode. At this point, 19 years later, my hourly salary is about one-fifth of his. I have taken several steps backward, professionally, and I will likely never catch up. While I have found being a homeschooling mom much more interesting and challenging than any paid job I've ever had, I do have my wistful moments when I remember going to an office where I was valued and treated with respect and paid and praised for my work. And now that I'm being forcibly retired from full-time mommyhood, I am extremely aware of everything I haven't done over the last couple of decades while I was busy raising kids. I haven't kept up my job skills. I haven't continued my formal education. I haven't taken care of myself, physically or emotionally, so that I am prepared to tackle the demands of transitioning back out into the world of work. I don't even have any decent clothes to wear to a job interview or a budget to shop for any. I want to emphasize one more time, just in case anyone is missing the point, that I don't begrudge or regret any of this. If I were magically transported back to 1994 and given the opportunity to start over, I would make, more or less, the same choices. I'm proud as can be of my kids and the contributions I've made to helping them become the people they are. I actually believe the world is a better place because my kids are in it. And, while I don't take credit for them, I do know they couldn't be who they are without the support we've provided. But there are definitely days when I feel like a used car that has been driven too much and not properly maintained. And I know that feeling is, in large part, due to having made those choices. I don't think it makes me a martyr to recognize that there has been a cost to me, in a variety of ways, to be the mom I am. It's worth it, no doubt, but the price still has been paid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saw Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 While I have "sacrificed" career, time alone, etc for the children, the only part I really mind is the part where I have to pick up the slack where xdh won't parent them. I thought, going into the parenting gig, that we had an equal partnership with shared parenting duties. I found that dh was only interested in the fun and easy stuff. So I've been doing double duty as both parents and that part I really do resent (but I certainly don't blame the children, only myself and xdh). It's meant that I don't have time to exercise or eat properly, that I am overly reliant on my parents for financial help (which means that I feel intensely obligated to them and end up spending all our holiday time with them, which I then resent as well!), that I can't see clearly with my left eye because I haven't been able to get new contacts for months now, if I'm sick I don't go to the doctor but I did spend four hours today with dd at the doctor's and the hospital getting blood work done. I don't think it's fair to expect someone to put their own health so far down on the list that they are unwell. But it's getting better as the children get older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I think it is a bit disingenuous to say that you have never sacrificed for your children, even the most self-centered parents do so at least part of the time, if we are going by the actual definition of the word. Acknowledging that parenthood requires sacrifices doesn't mean you are resentful or claiming martyr status. I think it is a good conversation to have, especially with our kids so they realize all those little choices that make up parenthood. There are little sacrifices daily, times when you put your needs or wants behind those of your children. There are the big ones like physical and mental health and financial security. For me the sacrifices I feel most acutely right now are my health. I have nursed all my children for an extended time for their benefit, not my own, and it is beginning to wear on me. The lack of sleep has long since worn on me. Sleep is an absolute need and taking care of them means that my own has been scarified often. I could have chosen to just let them cry or ff but I did not. We are living a much more frugal and simple life than we would if we were DINKs or just had 1 or 2 kids. I'm not resentful of the choices we have made. I have been contemplating the choices we have made and trying to decide what or anything we should change about the future. One cannot have everything in life and we choose based on our own priorities but I think it is demeaning of mothers and parenthood in general to say nothing is a sacrifice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I sacrificed getting my college degree when ds19 was born. I sacrifice my sanity every day raising dd7 (my biological great-niece). I wish I was kidding, but I am informally diagnosed by her psychiatrist with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from raising her. It is not a privilege to raise her, it is quite often horrible, stressful and dangerous. She is a 110lb, powerhouse of muscle, with impulse control issues who is filled with uncontrolled rage when she gets mad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I think most anything we give up is a sacrifice, but sacrifice doesn't have to be negative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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