Babies switched at birth

[momto10blessings]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2641890/South-African-mother-refuses-hand-daughter-switched-birth-four-years-ago.html

 

What would you do? It would be terribly hard to give up the baby you've raised for 4 years.

[unsinkable]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2641890/South-African-mother-refuses-hand-daughter-switched-birth-four-years-ago.html

 

What would you do? It would be terribly hard to give up the baby you've raised for 4 years.

That is mind-boggling.

 

I couldn't imagine giving up the girl who I thought was my daughter for 4 years. If I was forced to, I'd probably try to do some kind of joint custody? Maybe live very nearby, in the same neighborhood so the girls could go back and forth easily?

[Cammie]

Actually, I am heartbroken for the little girl whose mother is so eager to switch!  Neither family is at fault.  Both children are still alive (I have read similar stories where the switch was only discovered after one child died - that is even worse!)

 

So one mother wants to keep the child she has raised for 4 years - and the other mother wants to swap out??

 

Glad to read they are all in joint counselling.  Some type of custody arrangement needs to be decided that allows contact with both sets of parents.

[Mergath]

That's just heartbreaking. :(  I can't imagine how someone could be willing to give up a child they're raised for four years.

[JustEm]

That is an impossible situation! I wouldn't be able to give up my 4 year old non biological child but I would also not be willing to have someone else raise my 4 year old biological child. I'd want both but clearly that won't happen for either woman in this case. I hope both mothers are able to love and care for either child once its decided

[MiMi 4under3]

I'd want to keep the child I'd raised, AND I'd want my biological child back.  Not fair, I know....

[Joker]

Wow! I couldn't give up either of my children if I found out they weren't biologically mine. I hope I would be big enough to not try to take the other child as well (if they were in a good place and loved/were loved). I would want to know them but I hope I would let them stay where they had always been and were happy.

[SKL]

Well, I wonder if the mom who is eager to switch has always wondered about the child not being hers, or if the child has attachment problems due to the loss of her biological mother at birth.  The experts say that adopted kids have trauma even that young.

 

Or maybe in that culture, it is harder to accept the idea of raising a non-biological child the same as a biological child.

 

It would be nice if they could both share custody of both kids somehow.  I know I wouldn't want to be the judge having to decide this case.  From the perspective of the child, I think it would usually be healthier for them to stay with the person who has raised them for 4 years, but there could be situations where that would not apply.

 

What if they found one of the parents "unfit" for some reason, then would they give both kids to the other mom?  Hmmm.

[mom2bee]

This is disturbing case. I feel so badly for both families!

[Kathryn]

I could not give up my 4yo, but it would be difficult to know my biological child was not with me. I'm glad my children all had distinctive looks at birth.

[Seeking Squirrels]

Such a horrible situation. I think I would want to keep the child I had raised but try to make visitation arrangements to see my biological child. I would WANT both but I know that's not fair and not fair to the child either, to be ripped from the only family they know. As long as the other family loved and cared for them, I would try for regular visits. Like a divorce situation maybe. One weekend a month both kids with me, one weekend a month both with them.

 

I'd really hope for a good relationship with the other parents so we could all cooperate and raise the kids together as much as possible.

[Word Nerd]

What a mess! I wouldn't give up the child I'd been raising but would want some kind of connection with my biological child too.

[LucyStoner]

There are no perfect answers here. I wouldn't be happy either giving up the child I had raised or not being with my biological child. What a nightmare.

[Debbi in Texas]

I was so afraid this would happen to me. But when ds was born and weighed 3 lb 4 oz, I knew there wasn't a chance.

What a horrible situation.

[poppy]

I enjoy the TV show with this premise but it's heartbreaking that it actually happened.

I agree with the poster who said I'd want BOTH kids.

[LucyStoner]

In my experience they have 100,000 save guards in place. At that point in time I thought they were being rather nutty about it. But maybe not.

They put alarm tags on both parents and the baby here. Baby Lo jack I guess. Also, my younger son wasn't out of our sight at the hospital birth center. It would be difficult for this to happen in that situation.

[justkeepswimming]

No way I would switch out kids, and honestly my interest in the biological child would be as much interest as I'd have in anyone else's child. I'd want to know that they are safe, loved and leave them be. I'd keep the one I brought home with me and let the other family live their lives - perhaps arranging get togethers from time to time... maybe. "My" baby would be the one I've been raising, simple as that!

[eternalsummer]

I was switched at birth with a latino boy (I am a caucasian girl).  Mom said she wouldn't have known the difference but the other baby nursed kind of weird so she checked the diaper just in case, and alas!  This was in the 80s in Texas, before all the beeping monitors and etc.

[LucyStoner]

No way I would switch out kids. I'd keep the one I brought home with me and let the other family live their lives. My baby is the one I've been raising, simple as that!

The pull of biological roots is strong. I've read about kids switched at birth who didn't feel they fit in or were part of the family, before anyone knew what had happened. I absolutely would feel more affinity and longing for my child raised away from me than just any other child I met at the park or whatever. I would love and be attached to the child I had raised, of course, but I couldn't just not care about the child I'd given birth to.

[justkeepswimming]

The pull of biological roots is strong. I read about kids switched at birth who didn't feel they fit in or were part of the family, before anyone knew what had happened.

 

In some cases, sure. I just can't believe it's that strong in all cases. I know of several adopted/step-children families and their bond is concrete - no biology involved. In my case, I'm total mama bear of 4 kids who bear VERY little resemblance to me. lol Two of them look just like their dad and the other two are hybrid creatures who really don't strongly resemble anyone in either of our family trees. Someone shows up at my door, saying one of them isn't mine, they're going to have a fight on their hands. I would have zero natural curiosity about what other child may be out there.

 

I'm probably the weird one, though. :p

 

(and heck, *I* never felt like I fit in with my family! lol But, I definitely, 100% belong to them biologically. I just got all of the recessive personality genes. ;) )

[mommymilkies]

I was always paranoid about this at the hospital!  Kind of a non-issue with my homebirths.  But I have "escape" pictures and always compared them to baby a million times before we left the hospital, even though I knew. My kids have some pretty distinctive looks.  Like my 3rd had these huge spots all over (severe allergies it turned out) like within hours after birth. But if it happened to me?  I'd try to do join custody of both or something.  I can't imagine giving either up.

[Excelsior! Academy]

I'd want to keep the child I'd raised, AND I'd want my biological child back.  Not fair, I know....

I agree.

 

 

 

Well, I wonder if the mom who is eager to switch has always wondered about the child not being hers, or if the child has attachment problems due to the loss of her biological mother at birth.  The experts say that adopted kids have trauma even that young.

 

Or maybe in that culture, it is harder to accept the idea of raising a non-biological child the same as a biological child.

 

It would be nice if they could both share custody of both kids somehow.  I know I wouldn't want to be the judge having to decide this case.  From the perspective of the child, I think it would usually be healthier for them to stay with the person who has raised them for 4 years, but there could be situations where that would not apply.

 

What if they found one of the parents "unfit" for some reason, then would they give both kids to the other mom?  Hmmm.

Agreed.  Seen it first hand.

 

 

 

Such a horrible situation. I think I would want to keep the child I had raised but try to make visitation arrangements to see my biological child. I would WANT both but I know that's not fair and not fair to the child either, to be ripped from the only family they know. As long as the other family loved and cared for them, I would try for regular visits. Like a divorce situation maybe. One weekend a month both kids with me, one weekend a month both with them.

 

I'd really hope for a good relationship with the other parents so we could all cooperate and raise the kids together as much as possible.

Yes.

 

 

 

I was switched at birth with a latino boy (I am a caucasian girl).  Mom said she wouldn't have known the difference but the other baby nursed kind of weird so she checked the diaper just in case, and alas!  This was in the 80s in Texas, before all the beeping monitors and etc.

 

:ohmy:

 

[maize]

Maybe the mother who wants to swap feels she can't get by without child support from her ex, and he will only pay support for his biological child...

[countrygal]

But what about the (switched) child of the mother wants her biological child back? Does she not care about her? I feel sorry for her if that is the case. Sounds like the father doesn't want her either. I have nightmares about this kind of stuff.

[Excelsior! Academy]

Maybe the mother who wants to swap feels she can't get by without child support from her ex, and he will only pay support for his biological child...

Maybe, but if that is *the* reason it is very sad.

[MollyAnn]

I am taking a very cynical look at it. The woman who wants to switch the girls is the one with the x-husband who was trying to get out of paying child support. The whole reason the switch was even realized is that the x-husband wanted to make sure the girl was actually his before he shelled out money. She could be very eager for the switch because no biological child no child support.

[Rosie_0801]

Cynical eh? What's the single parent pension like in South Africa?

[LibraryLover]

Live next door and become extended family.  That would be my crazy plan. I would want the children to suffer as little loss as possible, and be assured they are desperately loved by two mothers.

[ErinE]

Then again...I must lack the instinct...

 

I remember reading/hearing (not sure) that a mother could pick her own infant out of a crowd. I remember going into the nursery and having absolutely no clue which kid was mine.

My first born was born in a large, busy teaching hospital. After he was born, he was placed under observation in the nursery. When I walked up to the window, a baby was pointed out. I was insistent that the indicated baby was NOT my child. Several family members said otherwise. I looked and pointed out another baby, who, it turns out, was indeed my son. It was eerie because I'd only seen him briefly in the OR, but I knew exactly what he looked like.

 

ETA: I'd want both children. I couldn't bear to part with either.

[SKL]

If the judge says no switch, then what would be the effects on the child whose mom wants the switch?  Would she still be "wanted," and what vibes would she get?  What if the right answer for kid A is different from the right answer for kid B?

 

Very complicated.

 

I don't think I could demand the disruption of a 4yo kid even if she was my bio kid, unless the non-bio parent was a kidnapper or unfit parent or something.  Even then it would be hard to do that to a kid.

 

In the adoption community, we hear of situations where there was fraud and the birth mom never consented to the adoption.  People do birth mom searches, and the birth mom tells them their now 6yo child was not intentionally relinquished.  So then what do you do?  I haven't heard of many cases where the bio mom demanded the return of the child after many years, especially where the adoptive parents were unaware of any irregularity.  I can't imagine the hurt that would cause the kid.  Which hurt would be worse - being physically ripped from your adoptive family, or finding out that you were stolen from and never returned to your bio family?  I don't think anyone really has an answer.

[ElizabethB]

I enjoy the TV show with this premise but it's heartbreaking that it actually happened.

I agree with the poster who said I'd want BOTH kids.

The show sucked me in, too.

 

I also think like someone else said you would have to live near each other, there would be different attachment to both, then everyone would get to see everyone.

[Hannah]

Cynical eh? What's the single parent pension like in South Africa?

 

There is none. 

You can get a child support grant if you are the primary care giver of a child, but this is only R310 (~US$30) per month.  A loaf of bread costs R7 to R10 and a litre of milk is R15, so the money barely covers food.

You can apply for this if you earn less than R34 800 (~US$3 400) per year. 

 

Old age grants are R1 350 and foster care grants are R810 per month.  Many grandparents raising their grandchildren live off old age and child support (for a maximum of 6 children) grants.

[kiwik]

The couple were married and raised the child together for four years. Even if it turned out the child was not biologically his but was hers surely he is legally the child's father and liable for child support? I wonder if he really felt the child wasn't his or knew his wife was unfaithful or was simply being a jerk. There have been cases where the parents worked out a joint care arrangement but in this case the divorce complicates things. Maybe he could pay maintenece to the couple who are raising his child and the other couple couple pay maintenence to the ex wife.

 

I find it hard to believe a child would have attachment issues due to being separated and given to parents who thought she was theirs at a few hours old but stranger things happen.

[Catherine]

My first thought is that the hospital should be bearing the expense of all legal, counseling, and child support payments until it's completely sorted out.

 

Second is-very likely, the biggest problem for the mother who sought the switch is financial. She gets no child support for a kid who is not biologically hers. Her need is probably desperate enough that she is unable to prioritize the child's emotional best interests over her need for both of them to eat and have shelter. Understandable. IMO, the hospital should cover all "child support" expenses for her, first and foremost, since they alone are responsible for this outcome. It will also provide incentive where it should be, on the hospital, to prevent such completely preventable tragedies. Second, if the first mother still wishes to pursue a switch after she is financially secure, then the courts might need to apply some kind of Solomonic solution, like mandating they live within a mile of each other and visitation rights for both.

[shawthorne44]

Am I the only one thinking of Solomon and thinking the mother that doesn't want to switch should get both kids if she wants them?

 

I had been a bit worried about this.  The hospital had you deliver in your room, and then did all the post delivery tests there, and then we kept her in the room with us after that.  So, I was reassured.  They had to take her once for something, but I put on my robe and hobbled after them.  

 

[Danestress]

I'd want to keep the child I'd raised, AND I'd want my biological child back. Not fair, I know....

Well, that is what happened in that case in South Africa. It was with boys. The mothers agreed to keep the children they were raising. But when the boys were teens, one really wanted to live with his bio mom and family. So one mom ended up with a win/win and one with a lose/lose. So hard. I can't imagine.

 

I really don't know what I would do - because of course I would want both.

[katilac]

These two cases, both in the US, have an added layer of tragedy to them: 

 

Callie and Rebecca, 1988, Rebecca's parents died in a car crash the day the switch was discovered, and never knew what happened: 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2506897/Callie-Johnson-girl-switched-birth-speaks-time.html

 

The Mays/Twigg case, 1993, they found out when one of the girls was found to have a heart defect, and she died; there was visitation at first but the remaining child eventually chose to sever ties with the bio family: 

http://articles.baltimoresun.com/1993-08-04/news/1993216038_1_twigg-kimberly-regina

[SKL]

I wonder if he really felt the child wasn't his or knew his wife was unfaithful or was simply being a jerk.

 

Considering there was likely zero resemblance between the child and father, and infidelity is not all that rare, he may have been suspicious for a long time.  Understandably.  Or, he could be a jerk.

 

[SKL]

There is also the law to consider.  Neither child was legally adopted.  Legally, perhaps neither parent has a right to custody of the child she raised.  I don't think we should make assumptions about the mom who wants to switch back.  I'm sure it is a painful situation for both moms.

[Mimm]

No way I would switch out kids, and honestly my interest in the biological child would be as much interest as I'd have in anyone else's child. I'd want to know that they are safe, loved and leave them be. I'd keep the one I brought home with me and let the other family live their lives - perhaps arranging get togethers from time to time... maybe. "My" baby would be the one I've been raising, simple as that!

 

This. I can't imagine wanting to switch. Biology means very little to me. What matters is the every day experience, the diaper changes, midnight feedings, rocking her to sleep, holding her hand when she crosses the road, picking out the perfect birthday gifts, knowing her favorite food, her favorite color, her favorite book, all her tickle spots, the toy she has to have to go to bed. This is what makes her my child, not that her DNA matches mine and my husband's.

 

My six month old is blond with blue eyes and my husband and I have brown hair and brown/hazel eyes. I'm as certain as I can be that she's biologically mine (our hospital doesn't have a nursery). The idea that the baby that I carried, felt kicking and loved intensely before she was born somehow went home with another family is mind boggling and heart breaking, but this baby is my baby. I agree that I'd want both but I can't have both, so I'll keep this one and if the other family ever wants to return the one they have, I'll take her. :)

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Then again...I must lack the instinct...

 

I remember reading/hearing (not sure) that a mother could pick her own infant out of a crowd.  I remember going into the nursery and having absolutely no clue which kid was mine.

 

It's the smell you can pick out, and that's after you've held your child for a bit and know the smell.  Each infant has their own baby smell. 

[ajfries]

In my experience they have 100,000 save guards in place.  At that point in time I thought they were being rather nutty about it.  But maybe not.

 

Yeah, at least here there's a lot of precautions. Baby gets a bar code bracelet, a anti-theft device (kidding...sort of), and then mommy & daddy get the same bar code on their bracelets. It was kind of a moot point for us, since ours were never out of our sight, but I found it somewhat fascinating.

[Mimm]

At my hospital, the baby never leaves your side except for the hearing test. But I was under general for my emergency c-section (get the baby out now! type of situation) so the first time I saw her she was all cleaned up and wrapped up in a blanket. I can't guarantee she wasn't switched before then (my husband wasn't allowed in OR) but my understanding is that they brought us immediately from the OR to the recovery room, which is where I woke up. I think it would be almost impossible to switch a baby under those circumstances. Plus I'm pretty sure she had her bar code ankle bracelet on before we left the OR.

 

I know someone who had a baby is S Korea and she said they insisted on the baby being in the nursery the entire visit at the hospital and she was allowed to see the baby only a few times a day for feedings. Of course, she was white so it's reasonable to assume she went home with her baby but I do wonder if mix ups happen more often in such a situation, especially when the vast majority of the babies are the same race.

[shawthorne44]

I've been thinking about this some more.  It would seem that the divorcing mom would have a really good lawsuit against the hospital.  Because of their error she might be left without child support.  Of course, the other mom has a lawsuit, but the harm to the divorcing mom is much greater.  

[kewb]

Heartbreaking all around. 

[Cinder]

Wow, I have no words. "Difficult" doesn't even begin to describe the scope of the situation.

[UncleEJ]

It's the smell you can pick out, and that's after you've held your child for a bit and know the smell. Each infant has their own baby smell.

I have always told my DH that I could pick all three of our kids out of a crowd blindfolded, by smell alone.

[Elisabet1]

I feel like the woman so quick to trade the children was not that attached to the child she has anyway. Perhaps, if she pushes the issue, both children should go to the woman who loves the child she is raising.

[coffeegal]

It's the smell you can pick out, and that's after you've held your child for a bit and know the smell.  Each infant has their own baby smell. 

 

It's there immediately after birth, and each baby had the same smell. They smelled like 'MINE' for lack of a better word. :001_tt1:

[ajfries]

It's there immediately after birth, and each baby had the same smell. They smelled like 'MINE' for lack of a better word. :001_tt1:

 

My first DS & my nephew are 6 weeks apart (my DS is older). I remember the very first time I held my nephew (hours after he was born, before any bath or anything), thinking 'This baby smells funny!' My SIL & I have since talked about it & she had the same thing with my babies, 'This does not smell like my baby.' Pretty amazing.