Is it common to ask for money to adopt?

[itsheresomewhere]

I think it is tacky.  Not too long ago, I was approached by someone asking for donations so they could adopt a SN child from another country.  She stated how they couldn't afford to do it and barely paid their bills.  I asked" How are you going to afford the child?"  I am starting to think that certain people really don't think about the long term.  I do have a wonderful dear friend who is trying to adopt.  When she does, several of us are doing things to surprise/help her.  We have plans to set them up with dinners,other stuff including taking her older children different places while the parents help the children settle in.

[myfunnybunch]

I think I'd rather have ppl asking for fund raising than children being left to moulder in orphanages.

 

This.

 

I do think multiple direct requests for money are different, and annoying, but fundraising for an adoption in itself, I don't find anything wrong with that.

 

My experience is colored, though, by the family we know who held several fundraisers to adopt their latest children. They did yard sales, they did auctions of donated (new) items, and more. They did not ever ask outright for direct donations or for everyone they knew to just write them a check, and they were always extremely grateful to those who did participate in their fundraisers.

 

They brought home two special needs children from an orphanage, and they are beside themselves with the joy and delight that comes from seeing the children grow (literally grow, the 12 y.o. was toddler-sized) and learn to play and smile. The children have a family, and people who can hold them and teach them and love them.

 

That's worth being thought a little tacky, imo.

 

 

Cat

[LMV]

We plan to adopt 3-5 kids, both for the growing family aspect and the saving children aspect. That being said, I have no idea how we will come up with the &20,000-$60,000 in fees to do so. I would not be opposed to fundraising, though I would not ask a person personally for money. I would ask my husband's company, a multi-billion dollar corporation who has been known to sponsor adoptions in the past. I'm sorry if that's tacky, but I imagine I would we willing to look like total trash in someones eyes if it meant bringing a little one in off the street.

 

So you're looking at needing somewhere between $150-250K inclusive?  I would think that amount could be saved over time to fund the adoptions later.  I think that would be our plan if we had this calling.

[Chris in VA]

I would add that many people believe that adoption is a wonderful thing, but for many reasons it is not right for their own families.  These are folks who might feel privileged to be able to support somebody else's adoption.

This for me.

 

Raising support for a mission trip, raising funds for an adoption--these don't bother me at all. 

I also agree with working for both, bake sales, car washes, etc. 

 

I feel so happy when I can use my money to help something good come about. Ask away. 

[plansrme]

As the mom of an internationally adopted child, I want to point out a couple of things:

 

1.  The birth of biological children is subsidized by society in myriad ways.  Those of you who say you have 5 children and haven't asked for contributions for a single one of their births, let me ask how much that prenatal care and birth cost you.  $100 each?  That is because your premiums and your insurance are subsidized by everyone else's contributions towards their own health insurance.  Your share was probably paid for with pre-tax dollars; your employer's share certainly was.

 

2.  The adoption tax credit is not available to everyone.  It also requires a tremendous outlay of cash that not everyone can afford.

 

3.  There are more offensive things to get into a snit about.  Go find one.

 

And no, I neither asked for nor received a dime of assistance with our adoption expenses.

[KrissiK]

I've known a lot of people who do it. It does irk me a little, since we adopted and didn't want to pay those costs so we went the fost-adopt route. I know that's not what everyone wants to do, but I kind of wonder why I should have to fund their adoption if there are other less costly options. But, I don't dwell on it. I also don't contribute.

[Catwoman]

As the mom of an internationally adopted child, I want to point out a couple of things:

 

1.  The birth of biological children is subsidized by society in myriad ways.  Those of you who say you have 5 children and haven't asked for contributions for a single one of their births, let me ask how much that prenatal care and birth cost you.  $100 each?  That is because your premiums and your insurance are subsidized by everyone else's contributions towards their own health insurance.  Your share was probably paid for with pre-tax dollars; your employer's share certainly was.

 

2.  The adoption tax credit is not available to everyone.  It also requires a tremendous outlay of cash that not everyone can afford.

 

3.  There are more offensive things to get into a snit about.  Go find one.

 

And no, I neither asked for nor received a dime of assistance with our adoption expenses.

You seem to be the only person who is "in a snit."

 

The OP asked a legitimate question and we have posted our opinions. I didn't get the feeling that anyone was angry or resentful. I'm not sure where you got that impression.

[SKL]

As the mom of an internationally adopted child, I want to point out a couple of things:

 

1.  The birth of biological children is subsidized by society in myriad ways.  Those of you who say you have 5 children and haven't asked for contributions for a single one of their births, let me ask how much that prenatal care and birth cost you.  $100 each?  That is because your premiums and your insurance are subsidized by everyone else's contributions towards their own health insurance.  Your share was probably paid for with pre-tax dollars; your employer's share certainly was.

 

2.  The adoption tax credit is not available to everyone.  It also requires a tremendous outlay of cash that not everyone can afford.

 

3.  There are more offensive things to get into a snit about.  Go find one.

 

And no, I neither asked for nor received a dime of assistance with our adoption expenses.

 

Yes, and part of the fees we pay for adoptions cover the costs of caring for our kids overseas, including the same basic health care they would get here (required to get a visa to come home).

 

And also, often kids are in care overseas for months or years while the adoption formalities slowly take place.  During that time, Americans received tax benefits for their American born children.  Personal exemptions, child credits, maybe other benefits.  Meanwhile those of us with kids in process overseas may be paying for foster care etc. but receive no relief on the US side.

 

With many recent changes in international adoptions, there are folks who accepted a referral thinking their kids would be home in months, and those kids are still waiting 5+ years later.  These families have had to pay for the child's living expenses, spend cash to update the adoption paperwork (it expires after some time), pay attorneys to keep the case alive over there.  Where possible, they travel to visit the child so they won't be complete strangers and so he'll know someone really cares about him.  And when their child comes home, they will have to deal with much bigger adjustment / attachment issues than originally expected, remedial education since they aren't immersed in English over there, and who knows what else.  It's hard to fault them for feeling a bit strapped.

 

And also, many of the fundraisers I've seen have been started by friends of the adoptive families.  It must be very hard to accept the help, and yet, even harder to refuse it.

[Spryte]

I'm very ignorant about this so I could be totally wrong, but I think the adoption credit only covers about $1,000 and we are very not wealthy people. I will look into it further, but I think we're a year or two down the road from looking into it. His company will cover $2,000, but when they've been contacted in the past about coughing up $50,000 or so they've done it for the sake of a child, and I have no shame in asking them for that.

 

We just finalized last year, and our credit was (I can't remember the exact amount) in the realm of $12,000.  Our accountant mentioned that it had just changed again, so check, but it is more than $1000.

[vonfirmath]

 

 

One thing to remember...often birth children's arrival is covered in part by insurance. I've heard my friend's say their child's birth cost just a few hundred dollars in co-pay. Our adoption fees covered many of the birth mom's medical costs, plus lawyer fees and ran well over 10K for each child. I know that number is twice that and more these days.

 

It's not an easy thing to adopt. Try to cut these folks a little grace. Give or don't as your heart and pocketbook dictate...

I was thinking the same thing -- that births are often covered by insurance (though I've NEVER had insurance where our out of pocket was as little as a few hundred dollars. My sister did with my nephew, whose actual care was about 750K. She said she figured she'd just used her allotment of insurance for the rest of her life even if nothing else happened.!) Or mostly covered to the point you get your share down to something you can pay in 2-5 years.

[Catwoman]

Wow. Thanks. I'm afraid to look into it too much right now because I'm afraid I'll hit a point of no return and we REALLY want our debt paid off before we go into more on an adoption.

I think you are making a very wise choice to make sure you're in a solid financial position before you adopt.

[LMV]

We just finalized last year, and our credit was (I can't remember the exact amount) in the realm of $12,000.  Our accountant mentioned that it had just changed again, so check, but it is more than $1000.

We finally finalized last year (in 2013)!  We weren't eligible for the adoption tax credit because we are over the phase out but I believe the credit was almost $13K for 2013 and I think it increases again for 2014 (to pretend to keep pace with inflation I presume).  We actually got a really tacky letter from some accountant who apparently must troll adoption records offering to help us claim our "free money".  Prior to this DH had already done enough of our taxes to know that we weren't eligible for the credit.  He is investigating how this person got our information because while the adoption couldn't be fully sealed the courts shouldn't have exactly released our information either. 

[LucyStoner]

I wouldn't do it but it doesn't really bother me either. It seems disingenuous to say "no one helped me with my biological child's costs" because, yeah, most likely some of the initial OOP costs are reduced by health insurance or the various ways our system helps new parents.

 

I do think that families might look to lower cost domestic adoption options though if the costs are prohibitive to their budgets.

 

Also the adoption agencies that my friends work for both offer fee waivers for some special needs adoptions and fundraise (not specifically for any one family) from companies, foundations and major donors to help provide adoption assistance to moderate income families.

[MomatHWTK]

Letting your friends know that you are embarking on a huge undertaking as a matter of heart and may need help is fine.  Repeatedly reminding your "friends" that you want their money is not.  It is all a matter of intent and delivery. 

[DawnM]

We adopted internationally and didn't ask for help. My parents gave us money because they wanted to. Otherwise we paid.

 

I will gladly attend a yard sale or dinner, but not just give to give.

[zimom]

We have adopted twice internationally and have one bio. We did not ask for help for any of them. I say any because even our bio we had very poor student insurance which covered less then half his birth. we could have qualified for Medicaid at the time but chose not to go that route either. He was finally put on MasterCard :)

 

I think I am clouded as I do know a family that does seem so entitled for their adoptions, and now their SN kiddos. It is one thing to fund your adoption, but do you really need to take five extra kids with you overseas at others expense? Then they had their house renovated, trip to Disney, last when I heard mom begging for a pool for the kids therapy I had to cut her off. Really???

 

I'm also probably in the minority in that I hope my children never think I adopted them to 'save' them. They aren't charity. They are my children.

[mytwomonkeys]

I've never heard of that. Depending on the circumstances surrounding a couple though, I would be happy to help friends wanting to adopt if I thought they would be great parents. I personally have no desire to adopt or foster, so giving money toward a family instead of a charity would be money well donated IMO

[mommymilkies]

I think it's tacky.  That said, I am ok with medical bill fundraising.  Our healthcare system is soooo messed up.  It's sad.  I HAVE seen tons of begging for fundraiser money for vacations, though.  On fb for friends of friends.  That's weird to me.  I could never beg someone to cover that.  And I have seen fundraisers on those fund-me sites linked on fb for foster parents who want a bigger vehicle or a new car seat.  That is weird to me, too. I can see a raffle, auction, yard sale, whatever to help with adoption expenses?  But just asking for money pushes my "tacky" button. 

 

As for my birth children and asking for hand outs: what?  We pay taxes.  We also make insurance contributions.  That's for medical expenses, not travel, and most births aren't nearly as expensive as international adoption (quite unfortunate sometimes-don't get me wrong I would love to adopt internationally).  And adopting parents often get tax help for adopting.  Only if you're low income can you get tax help for giving birth (medical expenses or child tax credit). And I get just as bugged when birth families beg for donations.  Asking if anyone has hand me downs? Fine.  Baby shower? Fine.  I've also been to adoption showers-also fine.  Fund-me for a new layette? Weird. 

[katilac]

As the mom of an internationally adopted child, I want to point out a couple of things:

 

1.  The birth of biological children is subsidized by society in myriad ways.  Those of you who say you have 5 children and haven't asked for contributions for a single one of their births, let me ask how much that prenatal care and birth cost you.  $100 each?   

 

 

Um, no! I wish, lol. It was far, far more than that (16 years ago). My prenatal vitamins cost more than that. I'm sure it's possible someone out there has that kind of fabulous insurance, but I don't anyone who does. 

 

I think it's always going to be a little weird and uncomfortable being asked to donate directly for a family to adopt.  A garage sale or benefit dinner is better, imo, and those who are moved to donate directly can still do so. A hard sell or guilt trip is never cool. 

 

I would be more willing to donate to a registered non-profit that administers grants to assist with adoption. 

[aggieamy]

I know about the $50K. It makes me sad because I would take an orphan right this minute if I could. I can imagine thousands of people would line up, who wouldn't have otherwise, if it wasn't so expensive. Thanks.

 

Looking at where the money goes though it doesn't seem as if anyone is getting rich off adoptions.  Counseling for birth mother, medical costs (some insurances will cover the birth of an adoptive child while others will not), legal fees, extensive background checks on adoptive parents, social worker fees.  It adds up but when you look at all the pieces separately it makes sense that it costs that much.  

[mytwomonkeys]

A garage sale or benefit dinner is better, imo, and those who are moved to donate directly can still do so. A hard sell or guilt trip is never cool.

.

That's a great idea. I for one would support that for sure!

[SKL]

I think it might make a difference if the money was needed to actually bring the child home vs. defray debt.  International adoption involves a sizeable *cash* transaction; some of us can make a bill for it, some can't.  I'm talking about cases where the family went in thinking "this is going to cost me about $xxK, I can do this" and then it ends up costing $xxK x 2 and their kid can't come home until they come up with the difference.  (Though I could also see scam potential in that scenario.)

 

But I agree that some situations are questionable.  There is a family I know of that has 15+ kids, many with some sort of special need, and they keep starting new adoptions.  They seem to be good parents, but I can't help second guessing when enough is enough.  It's not my business, of course, but my heart is not moved to support their fundraising efforts.  The fact is that not every adopted child does well in a family, and family resources - the human kind - can be stretched extremely thin by unexpected problems.  That's just my view, and my decision is to vote with my pocketbook.

[StephanieZ]

I think it is tacky and generally yucky. I don't think people should ask for donations for anything, unless it is a real charity not for their own benefit or, in a very rare situation, a true desperate family crisis that is unmanageable alone. If my kid was going to go without needed food or medical care or other vital necessity, and I had no way to borrow or earn the needed money, then I would beg for it from whoever I could. I would shame myself by kneeling and begging from anyone if that was what it took to feed my child or give him a liver transplant or whatever he needed. Before I did that, I would have exhausted every other option of selling stuff, working more, etc.

 

But, I would never do that for a mission trip (right . . . My kid needs to go to the beach in Brazil for a month, for a cost of $3000, to learn about service and God . . . While we live in Appalachia, and local, free, mission and service opportunities abound . . . ) or an adoption, or anything else like that.

 

I love my kids. I would have adopted if I couldn't have had all the kids we wanted. I would have saved up, lived cheaper, and probably only been able to adopt one or two, not the three kids we have. Because, yep, adopting would have been a difficult outlay of cash for us as a young couple. If my parents or dh's parents had offered to help, we would likely have accepted, but we would never, ever have considered asking for help or accepting help from anyone else.

 

I'd guess our kids have cost us of $100k each easily so far, excluding housing and basic costs we would have had irregardless. And not including my lost wages due to me not working. And, looking forward to at least that much again per child for college. Kids are just damn expensive, and none of mine are even special needs. Families with a special needs child can easily bankrupt themselves permanently due to the immense costs of providing adequate care. Adoption often involved special needs, often undisclosed before the child comes home, and most of the costs are going to come out of pocket, not covered by any insurance or government program.

 

Personally, I would not want to encourage anyone to add a child to their family if they couldn't comfortably afford to acquire the child as well as raise them. Work 20 hr/wk at $10/hr and save every penny towards the adoption. (If you can't spare that time, how exactly are you going to spare the time this fragile new child needs?) That is 10k/yr give or take, so in a couple years, you'll be pretty close to the needed cost. Live with one old car. Skip vacations. Etc. Etc. It is hard, and it would suck, but, really, if someone can't dig deep enough to save the money for the adoption, I don't think they should take the financial risk of adding to their family.

[Jenny in Florida]

Does this mean in the future they are going to ask for money to raise their children?

 

Summer camp and extra curricular activities are expensive? College?

 

Totally weird to me.

 

Well, I'm seeing that, too.

 

A woman in town with whom I am extremely casually acquainted hosted a GoFundMe page to raise money to pay her son's first year college tuition and to buy him a laptop.

 

Two other families we know only through performing arts studios at which one or the other of my kids has taken a class are currently running similar online appeals to pay for summer trips or intensives for their kids.

 

For what it's worth, I put my lack of money where my mouth is when it comes to this stuff. A couple of years ago, when my son was trying to raise money to go on tour with his choir, his then-voice teacher set up one of these pages on my son's behalf and sent me the link, just to show me how easy it is to do. I thanked him for the thought, but we didn't pursue that avenue.

[journeytojaden]

There's an adoption credit that allows families to recoup what they spend for an adoption. Maybe not all, but dd was able to recoup all they spent.   I know a family who paid for most of an international adoption through donations and when the tax credit came through they took their family to spend a week at Disney World. A few people I knew were kind of upset over that.  It came across as, 'hey, we can't pay for this, can you help us? Oh! We got our adoption tax credit and we're going to Disney World!"

 

This is what bothers me. We have adopted twice and have never asked for help. My question always has to do with what happens when these folks receive their adoption credit. So confusing to me how people can justify this.

[Aelwydd]

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, but I think it's tacky.

Agreed.

[texasmama]

Yes, this is not uncommon, IME.  I have known two people who had fundraisers in order to adopt internationally.

[Aelwydd]

We did not fundraise when we adopted our two. For the first one, we got a 'home-improvement' loan from our local bank. Our banker was an adoptive father himself and assured us our home would be improved with the addition of a child. :) Banking has changed considerably since then (nearly 30 years!) and I doubt we would be able to do the same. Although we did something similar with the second son a few years later.

 

I suppose we could have saved for a couple of years and not done the debt....but we had already done a few years of infertility treatments....it seemed like time was slipping through our fingers.

 

There was NO adoption tax credit then (wow, what a blessing that would have been...)

 

So, yes, we occasionally see a fund raiser for a friend of a friend. I've contributed small handmade items to sell at auction for them. Never given outright cash. If it were someone I knew well, I'd have no problem contributing to the cause.

 

One thing to remember...often birth children's arrival is covered in part by insurance. I've heard my friend's say their child's birth cost just a few hundred dollars in co-pay. Our adoption fees covered many of the birth mom's medical costs, plus lawyer fees and ran well over 10K for each child. I know that number is twice that and more these days.

 

It's not an easy thing to adopt. Try to cut these folks a little grace. Give or don't as your heart and pocketbook dictate...

I wouldn't mind fundraising events. But to receive direct requests for money? No.

 

I like what the banker said about the loan. Although, I wouldn't trust banks today not to repossess the adopted child in the case of default! Given the extremely high costs of private adoption, I'm already more than half uncomfortable with something that shies just wide of human trafficking and the wholesale of poor children to people in wealthy countries.

 

8k? Ok. 15k? Maybe, yeah, I can see it.

 

50k?? 100k?? Err....

 

ETA, just to clear, my icky feelings as regards adoptions are focused on the industry as a whole, not anyone or adoptive parents in general. I think it's highly unethical to take advantage of starving family's desperation on one hand and a childless couple's desperation on the other and make a profit. Ugh. So very wrong.

[Amira]

I agree that it's fairly common mostly because it's so expensive to adopt internationally. There are certainly much cheaper options for adoption, but I'm not inclined to say that every family must place finances first when they are adopting. I don't have a problem with a family fundraising to help pay for an adoption. I'll contribute if I want to and I don't worry about whether it's tacky. I've never seen fundraising/asking for money that was so persistent that I couldn't easily ignore it.

 

I have major concerns about international adoption and so many things surrounding it. It's way too expensive, it's sometimes corrupt, and too many families go into it without really understanding what they're getting into. But I've also spent a lot of time in orphanages overseas and I don't want to see any child grow up in a place where they're lucky to have only their most basic of needs met. So I'll continue to support international adoption until there is a better way to get those children out of orphanages. And I won't mind if families ask for money to cover their $30,000 adoption. Paying for the adoption is nearly always only the beginning of the stress.

[Lanny]

I wonder if a woman who wanted In vitro fertilisation (IVF) would try to raise money for it like that... 

 

When DD was in K4 or K5, her group, that school year, had as their Social Services project a private orphanage in Cali, Colombia. I went along with them, as did some of the other parents, the day they took Christmas presents.  They had kids ranging in age from newborn babies to kids who were 12 years old and very hard to place, unless they had younger siblings.  Completely self contained, with their own school, clinic, etc.  That it is so expensive to adopt a child is very sad.

[bettyandbob]

I don't think I'd respond to someone requested funds for an international adoption. In particular, I'd have real problems helping someone who says their financial situation is precarious, but they want to adopt a child with special needs internationally. If you are barely hanging on you can't afford a child with sn. I know what it takes to have children with sn first hand. Special needs or not an adopted child needs to be brought to a financially stable home. 

 

There are children here who need to be adopted. There are children with special needs here who need families. I think we need to take care of the children here first. Honestly, for the amount of money spent on international adoption more than one child could probably be helped here. So, if a person wants to "rescue" they may be able to "rescue" more children domestically. 

 

Oh and I can't stand the term "rescue". People who speak to a calling to "rescue", sound like they feel so superior. The term "rescue" does not suggest to me a desire to be a loving parent providing a stable home. A person should want to be a parent not want to seek public sainthood. 

[Berta]

This is what bothers me. We have adopted twice and have never asked for help. My question always has to do with what happens when these folks receive their adoption credit. So confusing to me how people can justify this.

 

I have a friend that did fundraising and also received a large chunk of cash from an anonymous donor. When they received their tax refund they donated every penny of it to a charity that helped the orphanage acquire a water filtration system for the entire orphanage. I thought that was a wonderful thing to do.

[Hikin' Mama]

Well, I'm seeing that, too.

 

A woman in town with whom I am extremely casually acquainted hosted a GoFundMe page to raise money to pay her son's first year college tuition and to buy him a laptop.

.

I just fell out of my chair reading this. I CANNOT believe some people! :/

[LucyStoner]

I hope my children never think I adopted them to 'save' them. They aren't charity. They are my children.

I agree. I really can't support parents who are adopting with a rescue mentality.

[OnTheBrink]

I think if I were asked outright for money to help adopt, I'd be a bit weirded out by that. But, if someone was having a garage sale or bake sale or whatnot to raise the money, I wouldn't find that tacky. I figure in some situations, time is of the essence, and a baby or child may become available before the fees are saved up. I could see some sort of fund-raiser in that situation. 

 

I'm driving DD to camp in western NY this summer. Her camp fees will be paid by her father, but I'm on my own for my own expenses (I'm staying in the area during the week she's at camp). I plan on curriculum sales and garage sales to help me fund this endeavor. I'm not doing a fund-raising event, per se, but I do plan to try to sell as much extra stuff I have around here for the $$. 

[TechWife]

I think it is tacky.  Not too long ago, I was approached by someone asking for donations so they could adopt a SN child from another country.  She stated how they couldn't afford to do it and barely paid their bills.  

 

See, there are thousands of special needs children in the US that need homes and are available for adoption. If you're prepared to adopt a special needs child, the foster to adopt system is a great place to go. Not only do you get a lot of support during the foster period by having various therapies and other expenses covered, but in some states, a child with special needs who is adopted through the foster care system can remain on Medicaid post-adoption. This helps lower the day to day cost of caring for a special needs child for the adoptive family. There are also no out of pocket adoption related expenses for the foster to adopt parents, if I understand how it works correctly. 

 

I know orphanage conditions are deplorable in many countries, but I know of no one who thinks that living in a group home, nursing home or being bounced around in temporary foster homes is a way to ensure the physical and mental health of a child. So why are so many people going overseas to adopt special needs children when there are so many here in the states that need homes? I really want to understand. 

[LMV]

I'm also probably in the minority in that I hope my children never think I adopted them to 'save' them. They aren't charity. They are my children.

 

I hope you're not actually in the minority.  I hope that the minority is just very vocal and outspoken and that the actual majority of families adopting view things much differently. Honestly, if one of our children felt this way, I would feel like I and or DH had given them the wrong impression at some point.  This would really hit me, but I would take a deep breath and try to help them see their worth as an individual, how loved and cherished they truly are, and to understand what a blessing they have been to us and our family.  

[zimom]

I know orphanage conditions are deplorable in many countries, but I know of no one who thinks that living in a group home, nursing home or being bounced around in temporary foster homes is a way to ensure the physical and mental health of a child. So why are so many people going overseas to adopt special needs children when there are so many here in the states that need homes? I really want to understand.

Tech wife,

I am going to try to answer your question but realize, my answer is not everyone's answer, and this in no way is meant as an attack/'you' is not to mean 'you' directly but as the general 'you' that asks this over and over..

 

First, I have never asked someone why they chose to reproduce, have more kids, so why do 'you' always feel it is fine to question where I have chosen to adopt from? How many kids have 'you' adopted from the US foster care system????

 

We did not adopt due to infertility. We did not adopt to 'save' a child. I wanted a child. There are children that need families. To me 1+1=2. Newborn; not a necessity. Healthy; not a necessity. Race; didn't matter. Corruption; minimal chance. What was a necessity was that once MY child was placed in MY arms no one was going to come back a week, a month, a year later and say: 'too bad, we decided this child is no longer yours, give them back."

 

By nature I research like crazy. I found the adoption option that met MY criteria the best. Least chance of corruption, reasonable fees (under $15k and under $20k), and the adoptions were final within 24 hours within my children being placed in my arms. Yes, they have special needs. Again, I didn't set out to 'rescue' a child with special needs. I simply wanted a child, and knew I was equipped if they happened to have special needs within a range.

 

I hope this makes a little sense to you.

[JonesinIndiana]

First, I have never asked someone why they chose to reproduce, have more kids, so why do 'you' always feel it is fine to question where I have chosen to adopt from? How many kids have 'you' adopted from the US foster care system????

 

We did not adopt due to infertility. We did not adopt to 'save' a child. I wanted a child. There are children that need families. To me 1+1=2. Newborn; not a necessity. Healthy; not a necessity. Race; didn't matter. Corruption; minimal chance. What was a necessity was that once MY child was placed in MY arms no one was going to come back a week, a month, a year later and say: 'too bad, we decided this child is no longer yours, give them back."

 

 

 

zimom, very nicely said.

[aggieamy]

I'm also probably in the minority in that I hope my children never think I adopted them to 'save' them. They aren't charity. They are my children.

 

We had a long wait before DS joined us through adoption and during that time we told everyone that we were trying to adopt.  You never know who knows someone who knows someone who is trying to find a family for their unborn child, you know.  We were surprised at the number of people that had comments along the lines of "Oh, you are doing such a wonderful thing saving this child!"  It was hard coming up with responses because we weren't doing a wonderful thing in our mind.  We were going about having a child the only way we could ... through adoption.  I'm infertile and we're Catholic.  It's either adoption or miracle!  (With DS we feel like we really got both though anyway!)  DS wasn't saved he was just given different opportunities in life by having us raise him rather than dear birth mother.  

[Outdoorsy Type]

I have friends who have adopted children with special needs from overseas. In those cases, it was important to get the children out quickly as many die from preventable diseases and fixable defects. I don't have a problem with donation accounts at all.

[Annie Elle]

We have 2 SN internationally adopted kids. We did not ask for donations but have not thought badly of others who have. As for why we chose international adoption over adopting through the foster system, that is not easily answered in a post. The simple answer is, we went to where our children were.

[SKL]

Re why adopt special needs internationally.  I'm not speaking for myself, because I did not set out to adopt special needs kids.  But if I were seeking to adopt a special needs child, I would probably go to the place where the need was greatest - where the children were in the most serious trouble.  (Assuming I had the means to do so.)

 

People are always saying that the US is full of special needs orphans waiting to be adopted, but I don't know how accurate that is.  There are not that many babies in the US who are waiting to be matched with families.  Most of those waiting to be matched are older, and not everyone is cut out to adopt an older child.  Also, people distinguish between physical special needs and mental health issues, which are often the reason some US orphans are not being successfully placed.  Each person has to decide what he or she is equipped to deal with.  It's not really anyone else's business to weigh in.

 

The whole "take care of US orphans first" bugs me because nobody says this to people who choose to expand their families in other ways, or who choose to spend their time and money on travel or hobbies instead of parenting more kids.  The needs of US orphans are the responsibility of all of us, not just those of us who choose adoption.  And besides, I don't entirely agree that just because I was born in the USA I need to care less about foreign orphans.  US orphans are at least not physically neglected, denied education, forced into slave labor / sex trades, etc.  I'm sad for those in any country who don't have a family, but US kids don't have a superior claim over non-US kids.

[Shellydon]

I don't mind it.  At $25,000 plus to adopt, I can't see how anyone can afford it outright.  I am thrilled that some families choose to adopt and happy to support them.

[Shellydon]

See, there are thousands of special needs children in the US that need homes and are available for adoption. If you're prepared to adopt a special needs child, the foster to adopt system is a great place to go. Not only do you get a lot of support during the foster period by having various therapies and other expenses covered, but in some states, a child with special needs who is adopted through the foster care system can remain on Medicaid post-adoption. This helps lower the day to day cost of caring for a special needs child for the adoptive family. There are also no out of pocket adoption related expenses for the foster to adopt parents, if I understand how it works correctly. 

 

I know orphanage conditions are deplorable in many countries, but I know of no one who thinks that living in a group home, nursing home or being bounced around in temporary foster homes is a way to ensure the physical and mental health of a child. So why are so many people going overseas to adopt special needs children when there are so many here in the states that need homes? I really want to understand. 

 

At least in the US, even if bouncing from home to home, the child has an actual chance at life.  They get to live.  In many countries, unwanted children and left to die on the streets or in deplorable conditions. 

[TechWife]

Tech wife,

I am going to try to answer your question but realize, my answer is not everyone's answer, and this in no way is meant as an attack/'you' is not to mean 'you' directly but as the general 'you' that asks this over and over..

 

First, I have never asked someone why they chose to reproduce, have more kids, so why do 'you' always feel it is fine to question where I have chosen to adopt from? How many kids have 'you' adopted from the US foster care system????

 

We did not adopt due to infertility. We did not adopt to 'save' a child. I wanted a child. There are children that need families. To me 1+1=2. Newborn; not a necessity. Healthy; not a necessity. Race; didn't matter. Corruption; minimal chance. What was a necessity was that once MY child was placed in MY arms no one was going to come back a week, a month, a year later and say: 'too bad, we decided this child is no longer yours, give them back."

 

By nature I research like crazy. I found the adoption option that met MY criteria the best. Least chance of corruption, reasonable fees (under $15k and under $20k), and the adoptions were final within 24 hours within my children being placed in my arms. Yes, they have special needs. Again, I didn't set out to 'rescue' a child with special needs. I simply wanted a child, and knew I was equipped if they happened to have special needs within a range.

 

I hope this makes a little sense to you.

 

I don't question people why they choose to adopt or where they choose to adopt from. This is a general question I've always had. I think it's a normal question - one I'm hoping to get a some general information on. I have never and will never ask it in person. I guess that I expected some of the internet anonymity to protect from offense (not a reason, I know nothing is anonymous on the internet). Sorry you took it so personally, I didn't mean it that way. I have fielded quite a number of rude questions from people who choose to quiz me on why I have "only" one child and I promise I didn't mean to come off that way. 

 

I gave birth to my child. I had no criteria. When giving birth to a child, there is a risk of loss, just like there is with foster to adopt. I didn't choose not to get pregnant or give birth because something might happen to my child. One of my good friends had to surrender a child back to the birth mother several months after placement. She went on to adopt four more children through the system and to foster dozens more. I know someone who tried to adopt a child she personally knew internationally. They did all of the paperwork they were supposed to do. For whatever reason, things were delayed in the child's country. During the delay, the child had a birthday and was no longer considered eligible for adoption by her home country, she is too old. She will live in an orphanage for six more years (I may be off by a year or two), then she'll be on her own. Their placement request was denied. So, we all face a risk of loss, no matter how our children come to us. Do we do everything within our power to mitigate it? Yes. Is it enough? Not always. I can see, however, the appeal of choosing to adopt from the least likely agency/place to have an interrupted placement - none of us wants to ask for pain - KWIM? 

 

The foster system takes care of many children who aren't available for adoption. It also takes care of many children who are available for adoption (parental rights have either been surrendered to the state or terminated by the state). Kids age out of the system every day - never having had a parent who cared enough about them to make them a permanent part of their lives. This I know for a fact.  When people want to do foster to adopt, they can request that the agency only place children in their  home that are available for adoption. They can decline placements of children who aren't available for adoption. I do know a bit about how the system works - I've had some tangential connections to it.  I also know people who have adopted through states that have very short waiting periods post surrender. 

 

In answer to your direct question - I haven't foster parented yet. I don't know if I will. I am hoping to become a guardian ad litem when I am finished homeschooling. Why? Because I want to be part of the solution. 

 

Within the context of this thread, though, when people solicit donations, they are opening themselves up for some questions, in my opinion. There are financial accountability issues as well as just generous curiosity questions. I would hope that they wouldn't be offended by the questions, but now I wonder. 

 

Anyway, sorry to offend. 

[umsami]

I've never been asked.  If I knew the family, and knew more about the story (how much they'd wanted a child, etc.), I'd probably donate.  If I didn't know them or we'd never talked about it or what not, then I probably wouldn't.  We have good friends who've gone through years of IVF, and I would totally contribute big bucks to them if they ever wanted to adopt.  I think they'd make amazing parents.  

 

As an FYI, I found the papers from my adoption and my brother's adoption.  Our fees were $5000 back in 1965 and 1968.  In today's dollars, that's about $25k.  So, while international adoptions are expensive today, it appears that my parents paid a similar fee back in the 60s for a private domestic adoption.  

[plansrme]

No, it is ridiculous to expect others to fund your completely voluntary choice. 

Your husband is right.

 

This is awesome!  I am finished having children, so my insurance premiums are going to go down because I no longer need maternity coverage.  Whoo-hoo!  And since my "family" insurance policy covers fewer kids than yours, it's going down yet again.  And those of you with more children than me, who deduct them all on your income tax--I'm going to get some of my taxes back, right, since you're paying less in income taxes than I am?  And since I only have one kid in public school, which is way under the average, I should get a refund of most of my property taxes.  Can not wait!  

 

My point, obviously, is that we all involuntarily fund each others' voluntary choices to have children.  We involuntarily fund others' voluntary choices in a thousand other ways as well.  Contributing to someone's adoption, on the other hand, is completely voluntary, and I seriously doubt that the average person asking for donations to fund her adoption has an expectation or sense of entitlement.  Sure, some do, but the vast majority likely do not.  Adopting is not a choir trip or a vacation; it is a way to build a family, and I would think that many people (obviously not most, from the sound of it on this board) would be honored to contribute to that.  In fact, my husband and I have a standing offer to a single friend of ours that if she ever decides to adopt, we will figure out a way to pay for it for her.  I would love for her to take us up on it; she would be a fabulous mother, but I know what she makes, and coming up with $30,000 would take her many, many years.  It would thrill me to help her bring a baby home from Haiti (this is where she's considering)--I truly wish she would call me one day ask me to help.  It occurs to me that the people who are asking the responders to this thread are clearly just asking the wrong person.   :tongue_smilie:

 

And speaking of $40,000, I trust that everyone who is saying couples should save that up before they adopt has always paid cash for their cars and homes and education, especially in their younger years when most of us have our children.  Unless you have, you have no right to suggest that it is inappropriate for an adoptive family not to do so.  Adoption shouldn't just be for the rich.  Lord knows having biological children isn't.

 

I am shocked at the attitudes expressed in this thread as to the tackiness or offensiveness of asking others to contribute to the building of a family.  There are plenty of real offenses out there to get into a snit about (having donations fund your entire adoption and then using the tax credit to go to WDW--that's awful).  But I can not see that this is one.  I see Facebook pleas every stinkin' day for causes much less important than adoption--contributions to fund a reward for a lost dog?  Or an autopsy for that dog once it is found?  (This is a real example--$5,000.)  I roll my eyes at what is super-important to some people, but who looks at requests for donations to fund an adoption and thinks, "Wow, I can't believe adding a child to their family is THAT important.  What crazy priorities!"  

[TechWife]

 

 

The whole "take care of US orphans first" bugs me because nobody says this to people who choose to expand their families in other ways, or who choose to spend their time and money on travel or hobbies instead of parenting more kids.  

 

Just to clarify - I never said this & it doesn't accurately describe my attitude. I do know people who have that attitude, though.

[KrissiK]

I'm also probably in the minority in that I hope my children never think I adopted them to 'save' them. They aren't charity. They are my children.

I don't know any adoptive families who have the "rescue" mentality. They all adopted because they wanted to expand their families. That's why we adopted and it drives me crazy when people tell me how "lucky" our kids are. I'm like, "no, we're the lucky ones! They're great kids!"