Who makes the final decision on which college?

[Elisabet1]

There seem to be completely different takes from public school parents vs home school parents. Basically, when I commented while at the public school that my child and I were not seeing eye to eye on which college she will attend, the parents right away said it was her choice, not mine, she will be an adult. This was at a meeting with other orchestra parents when we were talking about where our children were going to go to college. Immediately, I said "well, sort of an adult, if she were a complete adult who should make all her own decisions, she would be paying for it. Adults pay their own bills. But she will be using my money to do and as an adult, I have the right to decide where I spend my money." I got a lot of well, yeah, and no one disagreeing with me, but it was clear they never thought of it that way.

 

Later, as in, this past week, at a get together with other home school moms, some of them asked me about if we had made any decisions about college. I said that my daughter and I do not really agree and we are still in the decision making part of this. Very quickly the moms jumped in to say "who is paying? because that is who should have final say." I agree with them. But I did add in that if she really hates where I force her to go, it could all end up a wash. They agreed yeah, if she hates it, she might be miserable and not do well. 

 

SO, I would love to hear everyone's viewpoints and how they have handled this!

[regentrude]

We just talked about this with DD...

DH and I reserve the right to veto schools based on finances. Among the schools that she will get accepted to and that are financially feasible, she will get to choose. We were involved in helping her draw up the list of colleges she applied to; every school is a good choice she and we could be happy with.

She has the final say.

[Pawz4me]

My formerly homeschooled son is in public high school.  He knows our budget.  He made the decisions about which colleges to apply to.  He is free to choose any of them as long as they fit within our budget.

 

I simply can't comprehend how a parent could choose a college for their child.  The child is the one who has to go there (and, in most cases, live there) for four or more years.  How could I possibly make the choice for someone else?  :confused1:   To attempt to do so seems disastrous to me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Final say - the student.  But we will choose the schools that they will apply to, together.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Final say - the student.  But we will choose the schools that they will apply to, together.  

[Caroline]

Within our finances, we let our son choose his school. He has to go there and live there and interact with the students and professors. We are public school parents.

[elegantlion]

The decision will rest with ds. Finances will certainly play a role as we will have little to no money to give him, however, even if we did he would get to decide. I'll help with pros and cons and add what little wisdom I have to the mix. 

[ZooRho]

Mixed options too.  We helped him search for places that fit what he was looking for in a college.  We did limit how far from home he could look.  But finances will play a role in where he goes.

[Crimson Wife]

My DH got into a huge fight with FIL over this issue that led to my IL's refusing to pay a dime towards DH's college. All the money saved for him went to his two younger siblings. That was their prerogative but it caused an estrangement between DH and FIL that has never totally healed. The attempt by FIL to use the purse strings to control DH didn't even work because DH found a way to pay for Stanford himself (ROTC paid 80% and he patched together other scholarships and PT/summer work to cover the rest).

 

My parents never came right out and told me which school to attend, but they had made it clear in other ways the whole time I was growing up what they considered an acceptable choice. That's why it completely blew my mind when I met DH and heard his story. I was all: "Wait, your parents did NOT want you to go to Stanford?????"

[SKL]

The student decides where to attend.  The parent decides if and how much to finance the school of choice.  For practical purposes, the student will usually choose something the parent is OK with since paying one's own way 100% is a scary thought.

 

Of course, there will be a lot of joint discussion and vetting.  But the offspring will be an adult.  I don't see myself telling my adult offspring that she "will" do something.  I also don't see her telling me how I "will" spend my money.

[Elisabet1]

In our case, finances are an issue. And she declined to get a summer job last summer. She has been offered a significant scholarship to UT Dallas and a good scholarship to a small liberal arts school. She hated A&M with a huge passion when she visited, three times. But then, others at school told her how great A&M is and how it is their dream school. Suddenly, she went from hating it to she thinks she has to go there.

 

She HATES football. And from what I have been told and read, they do not give any sort of financial aid. Their net price calculator has never worked online. I called their financial aid office a few times to make sure that I was not given the wrong information. They have said the only financial aid she will be offered will be student loans. Only those qualifying for Pell Grant get any sort of financial aid. 

 

To top it off, she does not know what she wants to major in. I have flat out told her that if the money does not work out, it does not work out. She is quite upset with me and claims she accepts that the money might not work out. But, she hates the other schools and does not even want to go look. When I have asked her to please get serious about applying for scholarships, she says the applications ask too much and they are all long shots anyway. I offered to help with the applications, but she says no. Now, we just got home a short bit ago, and she asked to play video games. I told her to work on her calculus first, and then spend time on the scholarship apps, and then she could play. She asked me how much time I expected that of her. I said total 2 hours. Really, she should put in more time, but, I only required 2 hours. This was actually about 6 or 6:30pm. She said that would take up her entire evening and she just wants to play. I told her then she would just not play, even though 2 hrs plus 6pm only puts her at 8pm. Then she went to bed instead. 

 

I never told her she had to take calculus 2 in the spring. (AP math bc) but she insisted. But she is not done with AP math B. She needs to finish that before Tuesday. To add to all this, she does not even know what she wants to major in. If you know a lot about TAMU, going there with no idea of major means tacking on more semesters until graduation. We cannot afford that! We simply do not have the money. I suggested she hold off on college until she knows what she wants to major in. My husband suggested a gap year. Nothing meets with what she wants to do. She just wants to go to A&M. She only wants to go there because of people she knows telling her to go there. That is it.

 

 

[Lolly]

Totally homeschool here. Dc make the decision. Of course, where they can afford to attend will impact that decision (even if it is with my money). I have refused to make this decision for them in any form. I have tried to be very unbiased in my comments.

[RootAnn]

I don't know how I'll handle this with my own since I have awhile to go . . . but I do know we don't plan on paying for our kid's college except for what we've already put aside for them in their college savings accounts and that includes not taking any loans or co-signing them. (I have friends who are already telling me that's a pipe dream. Fine. I'll cling to it for now.)

 

But, I can tell you how it worked for all of my sibs. We choose & we earned/paid our own way (except for oldest & youngest brothers - who both ended up paying half their way with parents paying other half). I choose not the school I really wanted to go to, but my #2 choice because that's the one that gave me the best overall scholarship offer (net price). My money, my choice. (It worked the same with my wedding. DH & I paid for it, so we chose everything ourselves. When my mom made demands (dh shave his mustache & wear his military uniform), I could decline because she wasn't paying for it. This has worked out well for us as a pattern in life.)

 

I anticipate the outlook to be very different by the time my kids get to senior year of high school. . . . 

:grouphug:  Good luck!

[Crimson Wife]

What is the transfer situation like at A&M? Could she do the first two years at UT-Dallas on the scholarship while she figures out what she wants to study, then transfer to A&M as a junior? That would cut down on the amount of loans she'd need while still allowing her to get her degree from the more prestigious school.

 

ETA: If she still needs a lot of "handholding" to get her work done, starting college at a less demanding school is probably a smart idea. Better to wade in gently rather than jump in at the deep end, KWIM?

[Paige]

My children will decide where they go. If they decide to go somewhere we can't afford or don't want to invest in, then they will be deciding to pay for it as well.

[Joker]

The student gets final say, but that doesn't mean the parents have to come up with more money.

 

Dh was accepted to a few different places and wanted to go to Brown. His parents told him he could go, but they showed him the price difference between there and Berkeley and told him they couldn't help him with the excess. They explained about the debt he would accrue and he chose Berkeley.

 

Our dds can choose to go wherever they want, but we can only help so much financially.

[Elisabet1]

The student gets final say, but that doesn't mean the parents have to come up with more money.

 

Dh was accepted to a few different places and wanted to go to Brown. His parents told him he could go, but they showed him the price difference between there and Berkeley and told him they couldn't help him with the excess. They explained about the debt he would accrue and he chose Berkeley.

 

Our dds can choose to go wherever they want, but we can only help so much financially.

Maybe that is what we will do. We will tell her we will pay the price difference and she is welcome to come up with the rest. The financial aid packages should start coming in a month or so. Then we will sit down. I will make a nice chart. And tell her I will even drive her to discuss with the financial aid office where she wants to go how to make up the difference. If she still choses the school we cannot afford, she will just have to figure out how to pay the difference.

[Luckymama]

Our two in college chose where they wanted to go. They knew how much we would pay (equivalent to the full cost of our state's flagship) and that they would have to make up any difference in scholarships and loans. They are both pragmatic kids and chose the options that would result in graduating with no debt.

[Elisabet1]

What is the transfer situation like at A&M? Could she do the first two years at UT-Dallas on the scholarship while she figures out what she wants to study, then transfer to A&M as a junior? That would cut down on the amount of loans she'd need while still allowing her to get her degree from the more prestigious school.

 

ETA: If she still needs a lot of "handholding" to get her work done, starting college at a less demanding school is probably a smart idea. Better to wade in gently rather than jump in at the deep end, KWIM?

 

Transferring to A&M is rough just from the point of the dorm situation. They do not admit transfer students until the semester before, and housing closes more than a semester earlier.  So for example, for next fall, we paid the deposit on housing last September, 11 months before she would even more there. They say the housing will be full before Feb. But they will not do transfer applications for the fall until March. My husband and I agreed long ago that we expect on-campus living, UNLESS there is a good, less expensive, solid and safe off campus option. It is difficult to find that when you are brand new to a school.

[Jenny in Florida]

The student, of course. It is that student's education, life and right to choose.

 

This does not mean that the parents are required to pay full price for any college the student chooses. Budgetary concerns and limits are absolutely fair and reasonable.

 

In my son's case, he's been heavily involved in every step of the application process, from researching schools to deciding where to apply and so on. He understands that there will be financial limitations to his options, and we are working together to find and pursue as many opportunities for aid and scholarships as humanly possible. I've strongly encouraged him to apply to a range of colleges and not to get his heart set on any one campus until we see what the financial packages look like.

 

Once we have all of his acceptances and final aid/scholarship offers on the table, we will have more discussions about how much we parents can actually do for him, and he will have to decide at that point whether he might be willing to take loans or work more or whatever is necessary in order to attend a school that would otherwise be out of reach.

 

Edit: In case it makes a difference to your informal poll, I'll say my son has been homeschooled straight through from birth to now.

[rebbyribs]

I went to a public high school, and my parents ended up choosing where I went to college (20 years ago - gah!).  I applied to several very good schools and received acceptances from most of them.  When I was applying, my parents said that they liked all of the schools and would be happy for me to attend any of them.  Once the acceptance letters arrived, it was a different story.

 

My favorite was a top liberal arts college - I felt very at home there on both of my visits to the campus.  My parents felt very strongly that I should go to the Ivy League university I'd gotten into and decided that we'd vote on it.  It was, of course, 2-1 in favor of the university, so that's where I went.  They were paying.  I had a very unhappy first couple of months, until I joined the band and found "my people".   I don't have any regrets, but it's entirely possible that my overall experience at the other school would've been as good or better.  I don't think I will choose for my kids, but that's still quite a long ways off.  

[katilac]

OP, I am curious: what factors are causing you and dd to not see eye-to-eye on which colleges are a good choice? I'm just wondering what, other than money, would cause parents to insist on a certain college (or insist on NOT going to a certain college). I have some thoughts that I hope dds will listen to, but probably nothing that would make me draw a line in the sand. 

 

Oh, I guess religion is another one for some people, wanting the kids at a school run by their

denomination. 

 

Edited to add that I just realized you updated with the "money" answer, correct? I don't consider that choosing a college for them, at all! That's reality. 

[Sunshine State Sue]

In our case, finances are an issue. And she declined to get a summer job last summer. She has been offered a significant scholarship to UT Dallas and a good scholarship to a small liberal arts school. She hated A&M with a huge passion when she visited, three times. But then, others at school told her how great A&M is and how it is their dream school. Suddenly, she went from hating it to she thinks she has to go there.

I feel very fortunate that we are all in agreement on ds' choice which is well within our financial budget.  Dh and I would have disagreed had it not been in what I consider our budget.  Dh had no particular budget and probably would have paid whatever it cost for ds to play basketball.

 

I have not been in your position where my student had applied (and has been accepted?) to a school that does not seem like a reasonable/sensible fit.  However, my boss is in a similar position.  His son loved Ohio State and didn't like Texas A & M.  But, now the young man's friends are painting glowing pictures and he is waffling.  I suggested that they go visit (both schools if possible) again over spring break.  Set up an overnight and sit in on a class.  I don't know if that's possible at large state universities?

 

My sister always made it clear to her kids that they were willing to pay tuition, fees, room, board, and books enough for their state university.  The children were welcome to go anywhere they pleased, but they would have to figure out how to finance the difference.  All 3 chose the state university and graduated debt-free.  She also made it clear that if a certain GPA was not met, the next semester would not be financed.  Apparently, they had to follow through on that one time.

 

Left to my own devices, I would do something similar.

 

If you have not done so already, I would be very upfront with how much you are willing/able to pay.

 

Good luck!

[Jenny in Florida]

 Now, we just got home a short bit ago, and she asked to play video games. I told her to work on her calculus first, and then spend time on the scholarship apps, and then she could play. She asked me how much time I expected that of her. I said total 2 hours. Really, she should put in more time, but, I only required 2 hours. This was actually about 6 or 6:30pm. She said that would take up her entire evening and she just wants to play. I told her then she would just not play, even though 2 hrs plus 6pm only puts her at 8pm. Then she went to bed instead. 

 

I never told her she had to take calculus 2 in the spring. (AP math bc) but she insisted. But she is not done with AP math B. She needs to finish that before Tuesday. To add to all this, she does not even know what she wants to major in. If you know a lot about TAMU, going there with no idea of major means tacking on more semesters until graduation. We cannot afford that! We simply do not have the money. I suggested she hold off on college until she knows what she wants to major in. My husband suggested a gap year. Nothing meets with what she wants to do. She just wants to go to A&M. She only wants to go there because of people she knows telling her to go there. That is it.

 

Okay, so, rather than get into this kind of babysitting with my son, here's what I've found to be most successful:

 

I sit down with him and explain that, while I understand this is his life and his decision to make (whether "this" is choosing between video games and scholarship applications or between this campus and the other one), I do believe it is my job as a parent to speak up when I see him making a big mistake. I can't force him to fill out scholarship applications or put more time and research into choosing a college or even to finish his homework. I may be able to coerce a certain amount of grudging going-through-the-motions level work, but I don't really see much value in that. So, if he chooses to play video games rather than fill out scholarship applications, that's his choice. However, I don't want him to make that choice without fully understanding the potential consequences, which, in this case, may be that he misses the scholarship deadline and doesn't get enough scholarships to make it possible to attend the school of his choice.

 

I also tend to explain that, if he's not taking the process seriously, then I see no reason for me to continue to invest my time, money and energy in helping him. So, if he prioritizes gaming over college and scholarship apps, I am now free to quit reminding him about deadlines, and to refuse to proofread essays and to choose to leave my credit card in my wallet instead of using it to pay for postage and application fees and expenses to travel to various campuses for visits.

 

I then set some kind of deadline and make it clear that if I don't see certain specific things accomplished by that time, I will assume he's changed his mind about doing that campus visit/applying to or attending that school/living in the dorm instead of at home, etc.

 

Then, I remind him that I love him and get on with what I was doing.

 

The effect is not usually immediate. But usually, by the next day, and always in plenty of time to prove that he actually had time to get it done and I was nagging him for no reason, he sits down and does everything I told him needed to be done.

[Crimson Wife]

Transferring to A&M is rough just from the point of the dorm situation. They do not admit transfer students until the semester before, and housing closes more than a semester earlier.  So for example, for next fall, we paid the deposit on housing last September, 11 months before she would even more there. They say the housing will be full before Feb. But they will not do transfer applications for the fall until March. My husband and I agreed long ago that we expect on-campus living, UNLESS there is a good, less expensive, solid and safe off campus option. It is difficult to find that when you are brand new to a school.

Trying to say this gently, but this seems like a "penny wise, pound foolish" reason to avoid putting in a transfer application. The savings from doing the first two years at the cheaper school will more than make up for any cost difference between dorm living & an off-campus apartment.

[Crimson Wife]

I'm just wondering what, other than money, would cause parents to insist on a certain college (or insist on NOT going to a certain college). I have some thoughts that I hope dds will listen to, but probably nothing that would make me draw a line in the sand.

FIL's objections to DH attending Stanford were twofold.

 

The first, geographical distance, is a valid consideration IMHO. My IL's live in a suburb of Philadelphia, and going to Stanford meant that DH only saw them a few times per year.

 

The second was that my IL's are lower middle class and FIL in particular felt like DH was acting as if he were better than they were. He actually said as much during the big fight that they had over DH's college choice. I don't really understand why a parent would want to hold his child back from achieving more than the parent had (I'd be thrilled if my kid won a Rhodes Scholarship or something along those lines that I never was remotely qualified for), but that's the dynamic that existed between FIL and DH.

[creekland]

We just talked about this with DD...

DH and I reserve the right to veto schools based on finances. Among the schools that she will get accepted to and that are financially feasible, she will get to choose. We were involved in helping her draw up the list of colleges she applied to; every school is a good choice she and we could be happy with.

She has the final say.

 

This is us too.

 

In our case, finances are an issue. 

 

...

 

I have flat out told her that if the money does not work out, it does not work out. She is quite upset with me and claims she accepts that the money might not work out. But, she hates the other schools and does not even want to go look. When I have asked her to please get serious about applying for scholarships, she says the applications ask too much and they are all long shots anyway. I offered to help with the applications, but she says no. Now, we just got home a short bit ago, and she asked to play video games. I told her to work on her calculus first, and then spend time on the scholarship apps, and then she could play. She asked me how much time I expected that of her. I said total 2 hours. Really, she should put in more time, but, I only required 2 hours. This was actually about 6 or 6:30pm. She said that would take up her entire evening and she just wants to play. I told her then she would just not play, even though 2 hrs plus 6pm only puts her at 8pm. Then she went to bed instead. 

 

I never told her she had to take calculus 2 in the spring. (AP math bc) but she insisted. But she is not done with AP math B. She needs to finish that before Tuesday. To add to all this, she does not even know what she wants to major in. If you know a lot about TAMU, going there with no idea of major means tacking on more semesters until graduation. We cannot afford that! We simply do not have the money. I suggested she hold off on college until she knows what she wants to major in. My husband suggested a gap year. Nothing meets with what she wants to do. She just wants to go to A&M. She only wants to go there because of people she knows telling her to go there. That is it.

 

Yuck!  I'm with you on the money part.  If a school is unaffordable, that's just reality.  That isn't the parent choosing a school.  Both of my guys had schools fall off the table after acceptance when the money situation was revealed.  They dealt with it like mature adults and don't have any regrets.  I wish your dd could do that too.

 

So... suggestions... it sounds a bit like she isn't going to listen to you.  Is there someone else she will listen to who can detail out the finances?  I know my youngest won't listen to me at all - except on rare "blue moon" days that I cherish.  When I really need him to consider something, I'll get the gc at school or a couple of teachers he likes to mention something to him.  It works.  If not dealing with a ps, is there another relative?  Family friend?  Youth leader?

 

Otherwise, reality is what it is and I'd just give her the figure that we could pay plus send her on her way looking for how to finance the rest.  She'll soon find she (by herself) can only come up with "basic" aid ($5500 for the first year I believe).  If that isn't enough, she's going to be sent packing from the school.  Period.  It won't be pretty, but it might be a lesson she needs to have.  It is NOT worth going into massive debt (you or her) in this situation IMO.

 

If she does not want to go to the other places, I wouldn't force her to - she won't do well if SHE doesn't want to be there.  Let her know she'll need to get a job and either an apt or start paying rent to you.  I do know some parents who have done this successfully.  They also "saved" the rent.  Once their offspring "grew up" they gifted them with the $$ to start their "adult" life.  It was NOT pretty at first, but in their case it worked.  Their youngster went searching for his own apt, only to discover he needed FAR more money than he had - he had no clue how far money DOESN'T go in life.  There were plenty of fights - and prayers - but they held their ground.  (The money he had was in a joint account from his youth, so mom just took the rent out as she was named on the account.  He soon got a job - thinking he'd get his own place, but then was stunned when he saw the low amount on his paycheck.)  He ended up heading to cc for a trade that he liked.

 

But that's just them.  I wish you well...

[Wheres Toto]

The situation with my oldest was kind of different.  Her father was supposed to pay half for her college but he was refusing to pay more than community college.  Dd was able to apply for a variety of school but understood that what we could afford would come down to whether her father budged or not (he didn't, our court case was just resolved.  She's a sophomore and he hasn't paid anything to date but now will pay for the next two years), as well as scholarship/financial aid packages.  Unfortunately we didn't qualify for any need-based aid, and while the private schools she applied to ended up offering decent merit scholarships, it wasn't enough to match the price at our state school.  In addition, while she does live on campus, the school she attends is theoretically commutable.  A lousy, dangerous, obnoxious commute but it can be done.  She is currently paying for her room and board by turning over 80% of her paychecks to us (part of the deal with her dad is he won't contribute to R&B).   It wasn't her first, or even second, choice school but she has been very happy and doing very well there.  Last year it was probably very beneficial to her to be close to home and able to come home more frequently.  This year she has her car and has hardly come home at all.    Besides working close to school, she is involved with a couple of online campus performance and dance groups.

[Serenade]

 ( we can defer fees and pay them back through the taxation system ).

 

 

How does this work?  Just curious.  Do you pay it back instead of your usual taxes or in addition to your usual taxes?

[Matryoshka]

Our two in college chose where they wanted to go. They knew how much we would pay (equivalent to the full cost of our state's flagship) and that they would have to make up any difference in scholarships and loans. They are both pragmatic kids and chose the options that would result in graduating with no debt.

 

This is exactly what my parents did for me.  They told me they would pay for the state flagship, and if I wanted to go anywhere else, I had to make up the difference.  This did result in my not bothering to even apply to anywhere but the state flagship, but I did have a good college experience. :)  I went to their honors college and took advantage of taking free classes at the nearby private colleges. 

 

I'm not sure if telling my kids the same thing will work, as the state flagship is now (even with in-state tuition) a whole hunk of money (most of it is fees, not tuition) -  I think it's one of the most expensive state schools in the country.  I could probably send my kids to some public U's out of state for the same cost or less.  Since I've heard a lot here about how sometimes a private school can cost less net with scholarships, I'll encourage them to find a good "fit" (while perhaps looking at the state school for backup - although one of mine swears she won't touch it period) and try their darndest for some merit aid.  I want them to choose where to go, but we can't write a blank check.  The finances will have to be worked out jointly - I will strongly encourage them to minimize the loans as much as possible, but I'm having a hard time seeing how they can be avoided completely in today's environment.

 

Dh on the other hand paid his own way entirely by commuting from home and doing coops.  That would not be possible at all today - the compensation for the coops no longer touch the cost of the college tuition/fees.

 

I just bought that book "8 First Choices" I've seen recommended here - I'm (rather desperately) hoping they can find a number of options all of which are acceptable to them, so they can choose and be happy going with the least pricey!

 

[Nan in Mass]

We would not do the choosing.  You can't actually do the choosing because they are over 18.  Guidance, yes, tons.  We tried to be as tactful about this as possible and not land in a situation where a child had to stick to a decision despite doubts in order to save face.  If the child chose a college we didn't think would work, we would talk about it, carefully choosing a time when the child was able to listen.  If that didn't work either to change our mind or theirs, we'd resign ourselves and try to do everything possible to make the choice a successful one.  They know how much we are able to contribute to their education.  We all know it is unreasonable to expect them to come up with loans on their own, other than the government ones (which mine all have), because loans at that age require a cosigner, so we didn't say, "Beyond that you have to find a way to pay for it."  That didn't seem terribly practical.  We talked about scholarships and how much easier that would make things but we didn't count on them and we didn't talk about them much because our children are pretty ordinary and it seemed unlikely that they would receive much for the sorts of schools they wanted (this happily proved to be untrue).

 

If I found one of my children playing video games close to an application deadline, I would assume they were feeling frozen from the stress or were stymied by some part of the form or didn't know where to begin and I would offer to sit with the child while he did it or ask someone else to do the same.  I'd say (or ask the other person to say) something like, "You don't seem to be getting anywhere with this.  It's really hard to work at home.  Want to go to Panara Bread and get bear claws and work on it?  I'll come too and stand by to help you with the bits you don't know."

 

In our family, where college expense is thought of even before pregnancy and college loans are considered something of an inevitability but minimized as much as possible, and a liberal arts degree is still thought worth doing, this whole question is probably less of an issue. In families where there are other places the family resources absolutely have to go, it doesn't seem to be much of an issue.  It is the in-between families that struggle with this.

 

It is unfortunate that something as critical as college applications lands during that uncomfortable period between 16 and 26 where they are probably too old for you to do things for them but they are too young necessarily to do a good job on their own and where they are learning mostly by trail and error.  It's tricky.

 

Nan

[Elisabet1]

This is us too.

 

 

Yuck!  I'm with you on the money part.  If a school is unaffordable, that's just reality.  That isn't the parent choosing a school.  Both of my guys had schools fall off the table after acceptance when the money situation was revealed.  They dealt with it like mature adults and don't have any regrets.  I wish your dd could do that too.

 

So... suggestions... it sounds a bit like she isn't going to listen to you.  Is there someone else she will listen to who can detail out the finances?  I know my youngest won't listen to me at all - except on rare "blue moon" days that I cherish.  When I really need him to consider something, I'll get the gc at school or a couple of teachers he likes to mention something to him.  It works.  If not dealing with a ps, is there another relative?  Family friend?  Youth leader?

 

Otherwise, reality is what it is and I'd just give her the figure that we could pay plus send her on her way looking for how to finance the rest.  She'll soon find she (by herself) can only come up with "basic" aid ($5500 for the first year I believe).  If that isn't enough, she's going to be sent packing from the school.  Period.  It won't be pretty, but it might be a lesson she needs to have.  It is NOT worth going into massive debt (you or her) in this situation IMO.

 

If she does not want to go to the other places, I wouldn't force her to - she won't do well if SHE doesn't want to be there.  Let her know she'll need to get a job and either an apt or start paying rent to you.  I do know some parents who have done this successfully.  They also "saved" the rent.  Once their offspring "grew up" they gifted them with the $$ to start their "adult" life.  It was NOT pretty at first, but in their case it worked.  Their youngster went searching for his own apt, only to discover he needed FAR more money than he had - he had no clue how far money DOESN'T go in life.  There were plenty of fights - and prayers - but they held their ground.  (The money he had was in a joint account from his youth, so mom just took the rent out as she was named on the account.  He soon got a job - thinking he'd get his own place, but then was stunned when he saw the low amount on his paycheck.)  He ended up heading to cc for a trade that he liked.

 

But that's just them.  I wish you well...

Actually, there is someone who she hangs on every word of. It is her French teacher. I think when the financial aid packages are all here and done, I will go to that teacher and explain to her why DD must chose between XYZ school, if this is still a problem. IF she can get the money for TAMU, then I will drop it. But if she does not get the money for TAMU and is still all down about it, I will talk to that teacher and let that teacher talk to her. I swear the moon must hang on that teacher because my daughter loves her so much. And honestly, she is a great and enthusiastic teacher. 

 

Funny thing here is, that makes me feel bad, my daughter's teachers keep suggesting she go to where ever they went. But my daughter was really not interested for whatever reasons in them. One went to SMU but that was really not a fit (great location though!). One went to Oberlin. My daughter accepted right off that she gets too homesick to go so far away. One used to teach at Baylor and felt my daughter needs to be at Baylor. That sort of thing. She really is lucky she has so many great teachers at the public school right now.

[Miss Marple]

We are experiencing this for the first time.  Here's what is happening:  My youngest is very academically talented.  He aspires to law school.  He spent a lot of time researching undergraduate programs that would be beneficial to that aspiration.  He picked Baylor as being the best - it's close to home, has good stats, and offers some athletic options that he finds desirable.  His scores allow him to get the second highest merit scholarship they offer.  Still, the tuition/living expenses are over double what it would cost for him to attend our state university (which ranks decently) and he would probably get even more scholarship money at the state uni.

 

He has been invited to interview for more scholarships at Baylor.  We hope he can get some more $$ because I would like to see him be able to go to his dream school.  We will have 2 others in college at the same time so $$ is an issue.

 

We still haven't totally decided how to deal with it.  But my thoughts run this way:  He is super eager to go to Baylor which should translate to better performance.  The business school at the state uni will be populated by lower scoring students than my son which may give him a false sense of security.  He would probably not have to work as hard there.  Athletics have always been important to him and he would have no opportunity to participate at the state school.  

 

One of the big hurdles we've had in this whole conversation is that dh is a physician.  Historically, physicians and attorneys don't see eye to eye LOL.  Dh has a hard time coming to terms that his son might end up being a lawyer.  He also thinks that whatever is good for the other boys should be good enough for this son.  He has a valid point in some regards, but because I have been home with all of them and have taught them all, I know what challenges this one and he is very different from the other boys.  He's also very extroverted which is something dh does not understand.

 

I think we've just about got dad on board, but there is still the issue of money.  Ds insists Baylor is where he will go...I'm hoping that will work out   If there is no more money forthcoming, ds has said he will take out loans.  One of our goals as parents has been to see that the boys move on to their careers without being saddled with a lot of debt.  In this case, that might not happen.  We may have to get over ourselves on that one.  

 

I guess I don't know who actually makes the decision. I trust my son and know that he doesn't want to take more than his "fair share" but at the same time he feels strongly that Baylor is the place for him.  I'm just hoping we don't have to have the harder conversation of where to go if no more $$ comes through.  This has certainly been a growing experience for all of us :)

[Laura Corin]

Calvin decides.  The fact that I will be partly financing his education makes no difference.  

 

I think that it's unwise to tell an adult child that they can't attend the college that they want - it's very important that s/he takes ownership of the college career, and therefore works hard and succeeds there.

 

At a university talk that we attended, they stressed the importance of choosing the course you really want to do, otherwise when there are many competing demands on your time, you won't do the work.  And then you'll come out with a bad degree or fail to graduate.

 

We have, of course, talked through Calvin's choices with him.  But they are just that - his choices.

 

L

[Laura Corin]

How does this work?  Just curious.  Do you pay it back instead of your usual taxes or in addition to your usual taxes?

 

In the UK, which has a similar system, one pays back university fees in addition to normal taxation, once one is earning a certain amount per year.  If it isn't paid back in 35 years, the balances is voided.

 

L

[Mom22ns]

My kids will choose their own college. It is not my degree. It is not my life.

 

The money I spend or don't spend is up to me. My kids know how much is in their college savings accounts, how much we can add to that and that if they choose a more expensive option that we can't pay for, that they will have to cover the difference with scholarships. They also know that we oppose debt and what impact that has on their decision.

 

At the end of the day is is their decision though. I can't tell an 18-22 year old what college to attend. I can't even imagine trying. 

[bettyandbob]

We've told kids what we can finance. We will not consign any loans. Our income is high enough that I think it is unlikely our dc would get grants, but our youngest has lifelong disabilities and we cannot make the financial commitments some of the calculators suggest because our situation doesn't fit in with projections.

 

Oldest has always felt very entitled. He really wouldn't stick to the parameters we gave him. We did make some exception for where he attended, but he decided after a year his choice was not a good fit. The exception was close to our financial parameters, but it was a stretch. He is attending cc now. Honestly I think he was just too immature to go away to university. He is in the very early stages of looking like he is ready now. He still got some maturing to do.

 

Dd has a couple of years. She has a list of schools that fit the financial parameters. The list includes small LACs, engineering/ tech schools, large, small, rural and urban. She initiated beginning college visits. We will need to visit again, but she's getting a feel and taking note of requirements that are not listed on websites ( some schools say they require algebra 2, but their previous acceptances were only to students who had had calc) . She has a range of environments to choose from and she's taking the process seriously. I know she'll be ready to go. She is well aware that a couple of private schools are only possible with significant aid , so she is trying to position herself for that. Her older brother never took on the research for school expectations or fit. He just seemed to be determined to be contrary to us. He never researched how to get money to pay for it either. He just seemed to think we should pay for whatever. He didn't research loans.

 

If the student isn't going to stay within financial parameters and isn't going to research contributing through loans, grants and scholarships, I don't think parents should have to pay for that level of entitlement. I think serious thought should be given to the student's actual readiness to go to college as a bridge to obtain a career path, not an extension of high school without mom and dad's supervision.

[cathmom]

I think it needs to be a joint decision, a negotiation between adults. With that said, it doesn't sound like your dd is acting very adult.

[Irishmommy]

I chose. I am glad I did because my parents would have picked the cheaper school. I chose the perfect school for me. The other school would have cost lots less. My parents paid of half, and I paid for half. Where I went didn't determine how much my parents were going to pay. I just had to pay more. And it was worth it!

[goldberry]

Homeschool here.  We will decide how much assistance we are able to give.  She will decide where to use that assistance.  I don't see using that assistance as a bargaining tool (as in, if you don't go here we won't help you).

 

The only way we would withdraw assistance is if we were paying and she was not putting any effort at all and was wasting what we were paying for.  I don't think I would withdraw just because I didn't agree with her choice of school.

 

ETA, to me, that behavior would be inappropriately manipulative.

[Guest]

This thread is interesting. I do think the final say rests on my child, but the places dd is looking are totally dependent on what we can afford. Although my dd's personality is very accommodating. She has no strong opinion on where she wants to go to college. I personally would not tell my child, "I'll pay up to $50,000 total for your education and anything beyond that you'll have to figure out how to make up the difference." I think that's a crazy offer, personally! I prefer that my kids are reluctant to accrue debt. I would not want to point them in a direction where loans seem like a great solution. 

 

In the OP's example, I would not agree to send her to A&M. She does not sound like she has a mature view on why she's going to college at all, let alone that particular one. I do think it will be difficult for you now, though, because it doesn't sound like she had a good understanding the choices to begin with. 

[Guest]

I don't know how I'll handle this with my own since I have awhile to go . . . but I do know we don't plan on paying for our kid's college except for what we've already put aside for them in their college savings accounts and that includes not taking any loans or co-signing them. (I have friends who are already telling me that's a pipe dream. Fine. I'll cling to it for now.)

 

But, I can tell you how it worked for all of my sibs. We choose & we earned/paid our own way (except for oldest & youngest brothers - who both ended up paying half their way with parents paying other half). I choose not the school I really wanted to go to, but my #2 choice because that's the one that gave me the best overall scholarship offer (net price). My money, my choice. (It worked the same with my wedding. DH & I paid for it, so we chose everything ourselves. When my mom made demands (dh shave his mustache & wear his military uniform), I could decline because she wasn't paying for it. This has worked out well for us as a pattern in life.)

 

I anticipate the outlook to be very different by the time my kids get to senior year of high school. . . . 

:grouphug:  Good luck!

 

It is not a pipe dream. Just wanted to say, this is my view, too. 

[Ivey]

Our oldest made the final decision on which college to attend, and his younger siblings will have the same freedom. We gave plenty of input, especially early in the research process, but he made the final decision on which schools to apply to and which offer to accept. The college he ended up choosing was second on my list, but he absolutely made the right decision. 

[Irishmommy]

My parents didn't give me a figure that they would pay, they just paid all they were able to pay (with two brothers in college also). I worked on and off campus the whole time I went to school, I got some grants, and made up the difference in loans. Granted, the outlook for paying back loans looks MUCH different now than when I went to school, but I did it...or should I say, my husband and I did it. If I had gone to another school I would not have met my husband, would not have my children, would not be homeschooling...so I think I made a good choice!

[chiguirre]

OP, if your dd has her heart set on A&M to the point of refusing a scholarship at UT-D, you may have to let it go. If she can't come up with the money, she'll have to start at the local community college, decide what program she's going to apply to, take the classes listed for that program (this is not difficult, they give you the CC course numbers), get the GPA you need to transfer, and voila she can be an Aggie! She'll just have to wait a couple of years. Having to stay home while all of her friends go off to school will be a real test of how badly she wants A&M.