cathmom Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I'm talking about crosses, flowers, anything at the site where a loved one died, which usually is the side of the road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belacqua Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I understand why people want them, but I do wish they would remove them after a certain period of time There was a small memorial on a road I drive frequently, and the stuffed teddy bear just sat out in the rain for years. It was sodden and moss-covered and eventually moldy and horrible. Hardly the loving tribute the family probably intended. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I remember discussing this in my psychology class some 20 years ago when it was a newer thing for our area. I personally don't see much reason behind it. I guess its a way for folks to get over grief. There is a intersection in my hometown where a family died. The remaining family still keeps cross, baseball cap and flower at the corner for 20 + years. I remember the accident left the area for 15 years and all the road side stuff is fresh/new. I guess they just need more than the graveyard. I don't personally like it but can see that maybe its a reminder to drivers to be careful. They may want people to be more conscious of their driving choices. I also want to know why folks want to put a memorial on their car window. The strangest one I've seen was for someone that died back in the 90's. The death wasn't resent but someone put it on their back window of a newer car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UncleEJ Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Honestly, I'm not a big fan. I do understand why some people do that but I would not want one for me put up. I think about, if I were to die in a car accident, likely it would be in an area I travel often. I would hate for my kids to have to drive by that spot and see a memorial. They will not need the reminder. But I suppose if they want one and put it there, then so be it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 They make me feel sad. I don't have strong feelings one way or the other -- if setting one up helps people heal or feel that they have honored someone's memory, so be it. I don't think I'd do it for a loved one, because I am pretty private. I'd be more likely to write a tribute and share with close friends, or visit the gravesite alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zimom Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I also want to know why folks want to put a memorial on their car window. The strangest one I've seen was for someone that died back in the 90's. The death wasn't resent but someone put it on their back window of a newer car. The strangest one I saw recently was for someone, I guess their grandma, because when I calculated their age based on the birthdate and death date was about 89 years old! Around here I'm use to seeing them for kids and teenagers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I understand that some people feel the need to "do" something when their loved one has died, as part of their grief process, and going to the cemetery may not be easy for them. The roadside memorials I've seen often become hazards to the living, though, because they can distract drivers. There's one at a major intersection I travel several times a week, and people often look at it rather than keep their eyes on the road as they are turning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I personally would not want one nor would I participate in creating one for a loved one. I'd rather focus on the life lived not the location and manner of death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I don't mind them. I think they are good reminders to take care. I just saw one yesterday on a very dangerous highway (one of the most dangerous highways in the country) and there was a memorial there that had a good sized cross as well as a flag pole with an American flag. It was for a state trooper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 If it is for a limited time as a closure and perhaps warning to other motorists (it was taken in that spirit where I used to live), it's fine IMHO. If I see flowers and bears years later, I think the grieving process is not moving forward in a good way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 It doesn't bother me at all. My heart mourns for those families. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I understand crosses at the side of the road in dangerous areas to remind people to be careful or stay safe. However, you see a lot more than that here. A couple of months ago a young guy killed himself by driving drunk, speeding and hitting a tree in the yard of someone around the corner from me (in the middle of a neighborhood where the speed limit is 25, and it was only 11 pm). There is now *constantly* stuff in their yard including empty beer bottles!! And a few times a week there are groups of people gathered in the yard drinking and talking until all hours. If it was my yard, it would tick me off. I especially find the drinking and leaving (empty or full) bottles of alcohol particularly disturbing since he killed himself by driving drunk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I don't mind them. I also think they serve as a reminder that driving can be dangerous and to take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I think they are a distraction to drivers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 The least valid argument for me is that is serves as a reminder for people to be careful. Drivers should be conscientious already, not bc they're reminded someone died nearby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I feel like if the family needs a shrine for their loved-one they should have a private one at home. Enough people die that eventually all of the roadside will be filled up with junk (yes, much of what I see out there is junk) memorializing people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 They don't bother me but I don't really understand them. My dad and brother were killed in an auto accident but none of us felt the need to put up a memorial at the site. I honestly don't want to keep going there. I do know a family who has kept one for their teenage son, but maybe it's because they have to drive by that spot daily and they want a reminder or memorial of some sort. They take care of it and change it out often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 The least valid argument for me is that is serves as a reminder for people to be careful. Drivers should be conscientious already, not bc they're reminded someone died nearby. "Should be" but they are not. The number of "don't text and drive" signs I saw during our trip probably outnumbered crosses by the road by about fifty times. Texting and driving should be punished with a punch in the face but people do it all the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I wouldn't personally make one, but they don't bother me (except the one on a highway nearby that has a deer skull/antlers on top—it's creepy!) if that's what people feel they need to do. I don't get why people put memorial decals in the back window of their vehicle, but if that's what they feel led to do, so be it as long as they don't block visibility. Something else to consider is that roadside memorials are not legal in all states or there are rules that must be followed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodhaven Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 They don't bother me, although I wouldn't want to do that. I don't mind. I do agree that if people are going to do that they should clean it up a little from time to time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 The least valid argument for me is that is serves as a reminder for people to be careful. Drivers should be conscientious already, not bc they're reminded someone died nearby. Should be doesn't mean they are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 I like it there in the short term as a warning, if the road is indeed hazardous. Sadly, around here it's usually an impaired or inexperienced driver and that part of the story is usually hidden instead of brought out. Neighbor college boy just lived thru his accident two weeks ago...crossed a double yellow to pass and didn't see the oncoming vehicle until just in time to jerk over and collide with the car he was attempting to pass (not surprising, it's double yellow for limited vision going up a hill), driven by another college lad. Really not fair to claim the 'road is dangerous', but that's what he's walking around saying... I had someone almost hit me before Christmas doing the exact same thing! I was so irritated. It's not a passing zone for a reason, dude! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 In our area a young girl died tragically several years ago and it was widely covered on the news. Every year there are fresh memorials around her birthday and death date. I don't know who puts them up. Eta: these are large memorials along major roads and on overpasses. I hope if it is not her family that they are not upset by it. I also can't help but wonder about other families that have lost children to similar violence. The media is so fickle and plays up only certain victims. I wonder if it hurts to see so much attention for someone else...do they feel like no ones cares about their child? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 They don't bother me. They're pretty popular in our area, and there are two memorials that I drive by on a regular basis where I know the story of what happened (although I didn't personally know the people involved). I always remember those that died when I drive by. Both memorials have been there for over a year. I do agree that it's sad when people don't keep up with the memorial. A cross with a pile of what is essentially moldy garbage around it isn't a meaningful tribute. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 In our area it is primarily people of Hispanic culture who put have the roadside memorials and the decals on cars at least based on the names on the memorials. I have no real opinion on it but figured that it had a cultural element. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 "Should be" but they are not. The number of "don't text and drive" signs I saw during our trip probably outnumbered crosses by the road by about fifty times. Texting and driving should be punished with a punch in the face but people do it all the time. Municipal signs are not the same as homemade memorials. A sign that reads, "don't text and drive" is a clear message. What is the message of a teddy bear tied to a cross with some flowers? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I just remembered there is one memorial nearby that does bother me. A bicyclist was killed by a semi-trailer truck. The family painted a bike white and have chained it to a sign on the side of the road. There is usually a picture or message there as well. It is very distracting, looks like it takes up part of the sidewalk, and I'm surprised it's okay for them to chain it to a road sign. The little memorials don't bother me but this one seems like a bit much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeteranMom Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I totally understand people wanting to do that for their family members. We have a memorial that has been on one of our busy roads for about 12 years. 3 teens died at the spot and their families have fought to keep putting things out. They have multiple wreaths with ribbons and names, balloons, bears, etc. The weather varies quite a bit here. I think I'd prefer for the city or county to have some standardized way of honoring people who died on the roads. Overall, it doesn't really bother me to have people put out things, though. People deal with tragedy in a variety of ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I understand why someone would do it, but I'm not a big fan, especially when they remain for many years. I've thought before, you don't see a memorial, say, on the door of a bank because someone was shot there or at the gas station because of a death there. Why should car accidents be uniquely memorialized at the actual scene? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I'm not the least bit bothered by those. I've never felt memorials-whether online, in homes, at graves, on roadsides, through car decals, on a brick in a stadium, or similar are signs of stuck grief or anything else negative. The way people grieve loved ones is their business. That said, I've never felt anything I see is a danger to other drivers. I guess I'd feel differently if I had that perspective or experience. I had a loved one killed in a car accident. If there is a memorial there, someone not my sister (his widow) or my family did it. But if she had asked for a memorial, I would have done anything to try to help her grieve. My brother in law was traveling to work and it was weather related for him. I abhor impaired driving. But the grief for those left behind isn't less when their loved one was at fault. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I abhor impaired driving. But the grief for those left behind isn't less when their loved one was at fault. To clarify-in no way did I mean to imply that the families of drunk drivers who die in self-imposed accidents would grieve less. My problem is the manner in which they are being memorialized *here*, which is through beer or hard liquor bottles being drunk by young people at the site of death and left there. It seems to glorify drinking and driving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 To clarify-in no way did I mean to imply that the families of drunk drivers who die in self-imposed accidents would grieve less. My problem is the manner in which they are being memorialized *here*, which is through beer or hard liquor bottles being drunk by young people at the site of death and left there. It seems to glorify drinking and driving. I agree that is very icky. You'd think law enforcement would intervene. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 It doesn't bother me at all. My heart mourns for those families. This is where I fall as well. Whatever helps people that are hurting. It's not for me, though. And it's a good reminder, I think, for people to be safe. I dunno, folks in general are so reluctant to deal with death, except when it can not be helped in their own personal lives...I think that reluctance can (and does) reach unhealthy proportions, and gentle reminders that we're finite are sort of nice, in that way. :iagree: with both of these. I'm pretty sure they are legal where I live. There are a lot of country roads, and it shocks me how many deaths there are. I've lived here long enough to remember a lot of the road deaths. I don't have a problem with the memorials, but I am saddened when I see them because I am reminded that a life was needlessly lost. There are family and friends whose lives were so altered, and they have to go on. I drive a lot, with a lot of highway/interstate miles. I am, oh, worried or fearful aren't quite the right words--I think about hitting deer, so I avoid long distance night driving on the interstate. When it's just me and dh in the car, I usually make a comment that I hope we don't both die in a wreck. I know that sounds morbid! It's more of a habit, and he gently humors me. I think if I say it, it won't happen, I guess! Life is so precious. That's what I think when I see the memorials. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I would be interested to know if the increase in roadside memorials over the years has any correlation with reduced focus on burial (as opposed to scattering of ashes). I wonder whether there is a human need for a marker of a loved one's existence. Please note that I have not read all the preceding comments. I'm slumming, avoiding my ironing, but I have to get after it sooner or later.... Along that vein, I have wondered if the popularity of roadside memorials are a result of the prevalence of scattering ashes. With a memorial spot, the family whose loved ones remains were scattered, has a place to go to pay their respects/remember their loved ones. as to the OP. I have mixed feelings. I totally see the desire for this from the family, but we have some that either deteriorate or just stay up so very long. The others I see have become pretty permanent. It's like someone has planted a garden with the person's name and they do keep it up. It seems kind of odd to me. I can see a reasonable time frame for roadside memorials, but who's going to tell a grieving mother to stop? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 The one that always gets me here is where an Iraq vet, a former military cop, died. He suffered from PTSD, was fleeing from police, stopped his car randomly (more than once) and was killed in a roadside shootout with police. According to media reports, his father has struggled horribly with all of this. He maintains a memorial at that spot, honoring his son as a vet with a small American flag and a few other items. Different than an auto accident, but I am always reminded of the sad story behind the memorial, and of the father's devotion and devastation from what happened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 It's not something that I would do personally, but I can certainly understand why some people do. It doesn't bother me at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomintheMountains Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I think it is cultural. They are all over the place in NM. They make me very sad. I actually found it kind of creepy when I first moved here because I wasn't used to it (I'm from the northeast). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I think they are grim. I dislike them. Every time I see one, it dredges up the worst memories I have of losing my brother. I believe my state has a law, or a proposed law, that requires all such memorials to be short term because they are considered a road hazard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I think it is cultural. They are all over the place in NM. They make me very sad. I actually found it kind of creepy when I first moved here because I wasn't used to it (I'm from the northeast). In NM, it is illegal to desecrate a descanso (roadside memorial.) It is a misdemeanor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 They just make me sad... :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 not something I do. Here people are only allowed to put up a very small white cross. the are not meant to put up flowers etc. an intersection near me has several white crosses form different accidents. It is a reminder that that intersection is dangerous and I try to avoid it if at all possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I've never made one nor do I think I would but I do see them. It never occurred to me that it would bother people. Its just people grieving. It makes me feel sad for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I don't really think one thing or another about them. But, I also don't think it is my business to tell someone that they can't grieve a particular way. If someone wants to memorialize a death on a car window or their old grandmother etc then that is their business. I figure it makes sense to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I'm not a fan, and I don't really understand them. I wouldn't want anyone to memorialize the location of my death, nor would I want to do the same for someone I know who died in an accident. I also think they've become so commonplace, at least in my area, that most people don't even notice them anymore. That said, I'm not against them being put up for a limited time. They should be taken down after a while, maybe 3-4 months at most. Many of the ones I see are very faded and it's obvious no one is tending to them any longer. The least valid argument for me is that is serves as a reminder for people to be careful. I agree. I don't think I've known anyone who thought to be more careful because they saw a roadside memorial. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Assuming they're not in your yard or creating a nuisance like the one Mrs. Mungo described, I can't imagine being bothered by them. I also wouldn't participate in one, but who am I to judge how others grieve? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I feel sorry that someone lost a loved one. I also won't judge the way they mourn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Municipal signs are not the same as homemade memorials. A sign that reads, "don't text and drive" is a clear message. What is the message of a teddy bear tied to a cross with some flowers? I don't believe the intent of the mourner is to create a message in the slightest. I said I don't mind them. I imagine if I lost someone I would want to mourn and memorialize in the manner I chose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alyeska Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I have a loved one who was cremated. His roadside memorial is the only place for us to visit, as his ashes were scattered. So obviously they don't bother me. : ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyroo Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I agree. I don't think I've known anyone who thought to be more careful because they saw a roadside memorial.I do. I used to have to drive down a curvy back road to and from work each day. It would often be dark when I was driving along there and I was tired and ready to be done with the drive. Then I would get to one particularly tight, blind curve where there was a memorial to a teen that had been killed in a head on collision there. It always made me re-prioritize and be a more mindful driver. I have no issue with roadside memorials. Personally, I think a heartfelt memorial put up by a grieving family is much more likely to impact passing drivers than mass produced don't text and drive signs. Wendy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Honestly, it doesn't really matter what I think or you think or anyone else. It is about what comforts those that have lost somebody. To some it makes no sense. To others, it is the obvious choice. My son was killed in a car accident in Alaska. We live South Carolina. Most likely, I will never go to Alaska and visit the scene. Very soon after his death, I was sent pictures of the roadside memorial that was growing. It started with his army boots and a cross. It grew with fast food, alcohol, skittles, notes and love. Honestly, I don't think I would have done those things. I think I would have been afraid to go there. But I appreciate the love that went into each of those acts. I appreciate the soldiers that took the time to snap a photo of themselves and send it my way. Somehow it is all they felt they could do in an awful situation. My son was "adopted" by a soldier's family. They had him over for dinner, holidays, etc. Their one daughter was 14 when he died and 18 now. This past year, her family was getting out of the military and leaving Alaska. One of the last things she did was make beautiful foam flowers and took it to the scene and attached it to the sign. She said she didn't know if she would ever make it back there, but she wanted to leave her love just once more. She sent me pictures and it did my heart good to know how much he is loved and remembered. So, while, I probably would not do these things, I understand those that do and am thankful for their kindness. Each person grieves in their very own and unique way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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