Is being a SAHM hard work?

[Janie Grace]

I have to admit that I'm amazed by how many comments there were in the "unpopular opinion thread" about how being a parent or SAHM is not very difficult. I'm not sure why my experience is different (five kids, my own introversion, having teenagers?) but I find motherhood to be something that has always challenged me in many ways (energy, creativity, stamina, wisdom, etc). What's your opinion/experience?

[Dmmetler]

Can I change my vote each day, or hour? Some days are easy. Some are very, very hard.

 

[mytwomonkeys]

i don't consider being a SAHM hard work but it is definitely a job.  saying it isn't hard isn't to imply it's easy breezy, as i am busy all.day.long.  it can be physically, emotionally, and mentally taxing at times -- so balancing my schedule and including time for myself proves to be an important aspect for me in doing this job well.  but i don't think of my life as hard.

[Scrub Jay]

I have worked full time, p/t and been a SAHM (right now, but with one client).  I have an 8 year old and a baby turning one next week.  I find being a SAHM much easier.  Not easy but easier. 

 

But I also always wanted to be a SAHM so I am sure mindset plays a part as well.

[momto10blessings]

Oh no, it's not hard at all. Neither is keeping the house sparkling clean.

 

Or the opposite of that

[SKL]

Well, compared to what?  Hard is a relative term.

 

I don't think the "work" of being a SAHM is very hard in a developed country.  However, emotionally, it can be very hard for some people.  Maybe most people.  My mom had six kids, and she needed to work so that she wasn't buried in the SAHM world 24/7.  She still had to do all the things that SAHMs do, with the exception that kid #5 was in daycare for about a year and she had in-home babysitters part of the time while the eldest kids were little.  (Meaning she still had to do all the same housework etc.)  Compared to having a job in a law office, no, I don't think the work she delegated to babysitters was harder.

 

Of course it depends on whether the kids have special needs, spouse dynamics, emotional dynamics, health dynamics, sleep dynamics, etc.  And if you have a lot of kids, you obviously have more work.  But on average, no, it is not "hard work" in my definition of hard.  Most days home with my kids (at various ages), it has been easy for me to do all the mom and homemaker stuff.  The exception being when we're sick or I'm short on sleep.  And I'm short on sleep due to my job, not my kids.

[AmandaVT]

I've been a mom with a full time job, a mom with a part time job and a stay at home mom. All three are challenging, but for different reasons. I think the hardest part about being a SAHM is not getting a mental break. Ever. Even when I was coaching back to back gymnastics practices, I'd have a few minutes here or there to socialize with my co-workers, to go to the bathroom by myself and to have a lunch break. You don't get that as a SAHM. I remember when ds was smaller, I'd just about cry with happiness when my mom would stop by to give me a break to shower alone. Now that he's 5, I can usually squeeze in an uninterrupted shower or trip to the bathroom, but not having those little windows of mental downtime (lunch, chatting with coworkers or a boss) is difficult.

 

FWIW, DH works an incredibly mentally taxing job (emergency mental health worker), works 12 hr shifts sometimes overnight. He says he prefers his job over the all day Dad one. :-)

 

 

[mytwomonkeys]

in thinking about this. what has made it easier for me is a schedule.  i did get breaks. i enforced quiet times and bedtimes & no one slept with us.  that was a big help for me when they were little.  i realize that puts me in the mean mommy camp to some, but it is what worked here.  my kids are older now & i still feel totally comfortable not entertaining them. they can entertain themselves while i take care of what i need to do, including hobbies and housework.

[Murphy101]

Well I don't know anyone who wants my job, so I'm going with challenging. ;p

[momacacia]

Is this a SAHM, or a SAHHSM? (homeschooling mom) If the first, and all but one kid is in school for several hours a day, then no, I wouldn't call it hard work. If a homeschooling mom with kids with you all day, yes. It's psychological torture. :lol:  But really, I find it hard work because everything is all on me. It takes much more energy and drive to make school and healthy food happen and make everyone do what they're supposed to do (and I don't even have teenagers), than it did to get up, go to the office and respond to email, calls and projects that had their own momentum when I was practicing law.

 

If I were a SAHM with 2 kids in school and just the baby at home, I would revel in cleaning and cooking in peace and quiet, and might have to get myself an outside job to not be bored. I definitely think I would have been mentally healthier if I'd kept a few hours a day/week working when first was a born, instead of quitting cold turkey right before we got pregnant with her.

 

Or is this a mom with a special needs kid(s)? Is there some special, crazy diet that has to be prepared, or therapies that have to be done and appointments taken to? This makes the "typical SAHM" harder and I would say hard work. We did a special diet for several years for one of ours and I would have loved to have had the kids in school a few hours a day to just cook and keep house. I do realize that there are PTA meetings and lunches that have to be made and meetings to go to and rules to follow when kids are in school (I get that from just being in CC one morning a week :glare: ), and I don't do that stuff well. So, it's a trade off.

 

Those are most of my unpopular opinions about SAHMs. :leaving:

[Jerico]

Confession: i have never had a full time job other than summers. I worked part time in college and then had my first baby almost immediately after graduation. I did do some part time nannying those first two years of motherhood.

 

I felt like the first five years of motherhood was challenging. Little sleep, adjusting to a baby, and then a toddler, etc.

 

Ever since my third was born/started homeschooling i feel like a complete mess. I don't know if it is from having 3 or homeschooling or both but lately i feel that motherhood is hard- emotionally, physically, and financially.

 

I make my kids play alone in their room for a little bit just so i can shower or veg on the couch.

 

Maybe it is because i have not worked an extremely challenging job with long hours before.

 

Eta: my husband started traveling for his job about the time we started homeschooling and that has been stressful.

[ChristineP]

I think it depends on how good of a mother and/or teacher you are. Also depends on kids and situation.

[Word Nerd]

I've worked outside the home full time and been a SAHM/homeschooling mom while also doing some freelance work. Both have challenges and benefits, so determining which is "easier"—which is far too subjective a word to even be useful IMHO—would be difficult. Without question, it's harder for me to juggle all of my responsibilities while working outside the home. But when I was a SAHM/WAHM, cleaning up messes seemed like a neverending chore, and it was especially frustrating because at the end of the day you couldn't necessarily tell how much I had done that day. When everyone is out of the house during the day, it's easier to keep up with housework. (My kids were pretty little when I was a SAHM, though, so that may not still be the case if I were home all the time now.) There are many duties that a mom has to do regardless of whether she works outside the home, so I don't even see the point of trying to decide which is easier.

[SKL]

I never had a problem taking a shower when I was home with the kids.  I used a Superyard for such times until they were almost 2, and by that age they were safe playing around the house without constant supervision.

 

I think being a SAHM can lead to a bit of perfectionism over things that aren't controllable or aren't easily maintained.  I mean, everyone wants to do something really well.  As a WAHM, I have other ways to get that kind of satisfaction, so I don't care so much about "sparkly clean" surroundings, maximum possible education, or perfect kid behavior.  I mean, I care, but I don't get depressed when these things are not perfect.

[Scarlett]

It is constantly changing. Also depends on how many kids you have. 3 under 6 is completely different than having an only, IMO. For me with an only, I enjoyed my time with ds so much.....I remember lack of sleep when he was new born, and the exhaustion at the end of the day when he was a toddler on up through 7 or 8. But those times were very satisfying for me. I had an important purpose. Now with a teen he is self sufficient in many ways but the emotional toll is hard...he is pulling away and yet still clingy and I can't seem to do anything right....all normal I know but it is hard.

[Rose in BC]

Well motherhood has been hugely challenging for me both when I stayed home full time and now when I work full time. All my kids are adopted, two out of three of my kids have FASD and other special needs. Maybe it's their special needs that make it hard.

[Janie Grace]

Is this a SAHM, or a SAHHSM? (homeschooling mom) If the first, and all but one kid is in school for several hours a day, then no, I wouldn't call it hard work. If a homeschooling mom with kids with you all day, yes. It's psychological torture. :lol:  

This is actually a good distinction. I was thinking of homeschooling moms. I try really hard not to imagine my life as a SAHM who isn't homeschooling… bad for the contentment, you know. ;)

[elegantlion]

I voted other and easy. Caveat: I have one and he's an easy child. I'm fortunate, I know in that he's "easy". 

 

I worked full time from high school graduation until ds was born when I was 30. Since then I've worked part-time, seasonal, and now I'm a full time student and a single parent. 

 

Mothering is not easy in the sense that you feel your heart is getting pulled in 30 directions everyday. It easy in the sense of I get to call the shots during the day. All of the jobs I worked required you to be there and ready to go by your start time. I hate how some people seem to run late for everything - it's a pet peeve. My own child is pokey, he will wait until 5 minutes to leave to start getting ready. The biggest consequence in being late in homeschooling circles is you tick people off. The consequence in being continually late for a job is you lose it. I've also worked jobs where they had say in if you could hold a second job - it became an issue for one of my co-workers. I've had jobs where I couldn't pee when I needed to because I had a long line of customers to deal with, jobs where my attire was dictated to me, jobs where people routinely yelled at us, and jobs where I was on the phone literally almost all day. AFter I left that job I never wanted to answer another phone. That job also went against everything I believed about people as individuals. Highly legal and something we use everyday, but for five years I felt like I violated my idealism. Only one job I ever held did I believe I was making a difference, and it was physcially and emotionally difficult. 

 

Mothering is little snatches of joy and OMG! I am doing something worthwhile. It's hard when you don't get a break, dh and I had a system when ds was little. If I called him before he left work and said I needed to get away, he'd sometimes even do dinner and I'd just leave for a few hours. 

 

I am fortunate that ds in his teen years is easier than the toddler years. I think being a SAHM is a full time job with its share of challenges and doubts, but it's not the hardest job in the world. There is a certain control that I have over how I spend my minutes (and some days all you get are minutes), that I never had while working. That same job that violated my idealism had me inside an office building for the entirety of the daylight hours in the winter. I would watch the sunlight come and leave out the window. It was like being in a cage. At home, I can go out during the day, it's my choice. 

[Wabi Sabi]

I've got easy kids. They're fairly laid-back, mellow and easy going. Parenting them is not difficult. Time consuming? Absolutely. Expensive? Yes. Particularly challenging? Not really.

 

That said, they don't have special needs, medical issues or behavioral challenges. They're not "spirited." I've only got two of them and they're still young. Sometimes I fear that they're saving it all up for their adolescent years, and I'll get payback for my years of easy childhood. I'm under no illusion that they'll always stay so easy.

 

Oh, and FWIW, I get to be both a SAHM and a WOHM. I'm home with the kids by day and work full-time in the evenings/nights/weekends. That presents it's own set of challenges for sure, but they're more schedule/work related and not kid-related.

[NotSoObvious]

I've been a mom with a full time job, a mom with a part time job and a stay at home mom. All three are challenging, but for different reasons. I think the hardest part about being a SAHM is not getting a mental break. Ever. Even when I was coaching back to back gymnastics practices, I'd have a few minutes here or there to socialize with my co-workers, to go to the bathroom by myself and to have a lunch break. You don't get that as a SAHM. I remember when ds was smaller, I'd just about cry with happiness when my mom would stop by to give me a break to shower alone. Now that he's 5, I can usually squeeze in an uninterrupted shower or trip to the bathroom, but not having those little windows of mental downtime (lunch, chatting with coworkers or a boss) is difficult.

 

FWIW, DH works an incredibly mentally taxing job (emergency mental health worker), works 12 hr shifts sometimes overnight. He says he prefers his job over the all day Dad one. :-)

 

 

This.

 

Working full time with young kids was EXHAUSTING. Being a SAHM with older kids is a lot easier. I can just focus on parenting. Yes, I don't get the adult interaction I got working, I miss my career, we have less income... there are things I miss/don't like, but it's definitely not harder. I can pee whenever I want, eat whenever I want, and I can sleep in a bit if I want. Working was not like that.

 

If I had younger kids, it would be a different story, I'm sure.

[Pawz4me]

For me, being a SAHM has seemed very easy compared to the job I had.  Very easy.  But I "only" have two kids, and neither has/had any issues (beyond youngest needing some speech and occupational therapy).  They were normal kids, probably naturally a lot better behaved than most.  And it has only gotten easier as they've gotten older.  I find parenting teenagers to be much, much easier than younger kids.

 

I think overall it very very much depends on a lot of factors --

 

Whether or not one truly wants to be a SAHM (as opposed to doing it because you think it's best for the kids)

How much one enjoyed their pre-kid job

Whether or not there is a financial strain from being a one-income family

Medical/behavioral/emotional issues of the kids

Whether one tends to be introverted or extroverted

 

Etc., etc.

 

I do strongly believe it's much harder to be a working mom than a SAHM.  I know it would be very difficult for me, mentally/emotionally and physically, to hold a job and do what I'd still need to do around the house and for the kids.  I feel very blessed that I haven't had to do that.

[mytwomonkeys]

 

I worked full time from high school graduation until ds was born when I was 30. 

 

 

 

This was me as well.

 

I worked full-time until I was 32 as a social worker.  I specifically served families with Alzheimer's & although it was wonderful, it was very emotionally draining to say the least.  I wanted to be a SAHM when my daughter was born but financially we just couldn't swing it then.  When my son was born, I was finally able to quit.  I loved my job, but I love being home so much more.  

[Ellie]

I couldn't answer your poll properly as I am an empty nester. :-)

 

However, I remember back in the day when I heard Dr. Dobson talk about how difficult it was to be the mother of toddlers, and I was amazed, because I so enjoyed that time of my dc's lives. And actually, I loved being a SAHM from the beginning to the end.

 

Don't judge me. :D

[Murphy101]

It is constantly changing. Also depends on how many kids you have. 3 under 6 is completely different than having an only, IMO. For me with an only, I enjoyed my time with ds so much.....I remember lack of sleep when he was new born, and the exhaustion at the end of the day when he was a toddler on up through 7 or 8. But those times were very satisfying for me. I had an important purpose. Now with a teen he is self sufficient in many ways but the emotional toll is hard...he is pulling away and yet still clingy and I can't seem to do anything right....all normal I know but it is hard.

Me too. I find my teens tremendously harder and more time consuming than babies and preschoolers. My little ones can be exhausting, but it's not hard. They just want to stick near mama and have me watch them and praise them and cuddle them. It's not rocket science, but as a more introverted person there are days when dh comes home and wants a hug and I'm just ugh, no. Everyone stay OFF for 20 minutes please!

 

But teens. Teens don't often say hey mom watch this or ask for hugs or plop down next to you to tell you the minute of their day or ...

 

Teens are work. I can't passively await them to connect with me, I have to actively work to connect with them every single day. And I can't just bluntly do it either. Each one of them takes a little special finesse. It's hard work bc it doesn't come naturally to me.

 

Which is another point, I know many moms who think it's easier and they think I put too much work into it. Well alrighty then. *confused*

[Murphy101]

I worked briefly after my first was born and hated every single day of it. I thought it was extremely difficult, frustrating, and disheartening.

[Chris in VA]

Too much variance to say one way for everyone. Some kids are easier than others. Some jobs are easier than others. 

 

I do think a lot depends on your standards--how clean the house is, how engaged you are with your kids--and the introvert/extrovert thing is big, too. Plus a lot of moms seem to not think the kids should have any chores (around here, and there are a couple on the board, I know); these moms at home seem to have a harder life than those of us who think it's fine to give our kids responsibilities. I love how things go faster with a 13 year old who helps me clean. She knows how because she's practiced...

 

It seems to me that moms who work outside the home have just as much to do as those who "stay home." Only they have to fit it in in the 4 hours they have after work. I guess it depends on their jobs, too, whether they come home exhausted or refreshed or whatever. Of course, their kids aren't home, messing up the house all day--though I'm aware I am judgy when it comes to moms who let their kids run wild all over the home w/o cleaning up at all. 

[Mandylubug]

other. I've worked full time outside of the home, kids in school, husband working nights. that was tough. I was pulled a million directions. I had a guilt trip the size of Texas. I'm happier and more content at home. I find homeschooling four, the stress of teaching kids with learning disabilities overwhelming, though. It is mentally stressful and I think the easy way out would be for me to send them to school for someone else to deal with. I don't think one's version of being a SAHM and Homeschooling mom is defined as the same across the board. I don't want to go back to juggling work, house, PS work, etc. Being just a SAHM would be easier than homeschooling or working fulltime.

[bettyandbob]

I have kids with special needs as well as kids with medical needs. My personal experience is motherhood is very hard.

 

I think if you have typically developing children and have a family income that puts you in the middle of the standard for your area being a SAHM or SAHMHSM could be easy or hard, depending on your own expectations and what you are willing to put in  and how you adjust to life with kids.

 

I have one friend who was anxious all the time about the cleanliness of her home, about her dc's performance, about stuff. Being a SAHM was hard for her, but I think a lot of think were hard for her.

 

I've known other people who were naturally able to keep home in life in good order, keep a structured routine, but adjust to occasional disruptions that life with kids provides. These people who seem to balance easy going and orderly, who don't have sn children are able to enjoy each stage of childhood. When you can enjoy the stages of childhood without having anxiety, artificial expectations, and stressors (like medical needs), then SAHM may fit into the easy category.

[Scarlett]

Me too. I find my teens tremendously harder and more time consuming than babies and preschoolers. My little ones can be exhausting, but it's not hard. They just want to stick near mama and have me watch them and praise them and cuddle them. It's not rocket science, but as a more introverted person there are days when dh comes home and wants a hug and I'm just ugh, no. Everyone stay OFF for 20 minutes please!

 

But teens. Teens don't often say hey mom watch this or ask for hugs or plop down next to you to tell you the minute of their day or ...

 

Teens are work. I can't passively await them to connect with me, I have to actively work to connect with them every single day. And I can't just bluntly do it either. Each one of them takes a little special finesse. It's hard work bc it doesn't come naturally to me.*

Yes, exactly. My mom always said teens need their parents even more than toddlers do....just a different need of course. I see many parents basically stop parenting once their kids hit 16 or so. That won't be me.....

[dirty ethel rackham]

Parenting young children was one of the most physically exhausting experiences of my life.  I worked 3 days a week when my oldest was a year old and my working days were much easier.  It was also emotionally and mentally challenging because I had to work hard to not follow the pattern of my upbringing.  I was reinventing the wheel, so to speak.  I grew up in a punitive, emotionally volatile household and I know that this was not a healthy approach for me to parent. 

 

Parenting teens is physically much easier, but mentally and emotionally very challenging.  While my first two were relatively easy in that they don't have risk-taking personalities, dealing with the challenges of renegotiating a relationship is hard.  Add in some mental illness and I am at my breaking point many times a week. 

 

In some ways, I wish I had continued to work - for my own mental health.  But, I really would not have given up the time with my kids.  And, I know that it would not have been a good thing for my middle child. 

[Dandelion]

For me, working outside the home was MUCH easier than being a SAHM.

 

I worked full-time in a demanding career for almost 20 years - until DS was 5 years old and DD was born (I went back for a couple months after maternity leave with DD and then quit).  While there were definitely tough days at work, none of them were as mentally and emotionally exhausting as being home all day, every day.  

 

DS has Asperger's and has always been very intense, oppositional, and ultra-challenging to parent.  I could have 10 kids like DD (sweet, eager to please, "easy") and it would be less exhausting than parenting DS.  Homeschooling him and trying to figure what works (i.e. what will not cause meltdowns, aggression, etc.) has been extremely difficult.  

 

I loved working.  I had amazing colleagues, a fun and challenging work environment, fantastic salary and perks, recognition - all the good stuff.  It was very hard to walk away from that, but I did because I knew DS needed me to be home.  When I contrast that with my typical day homeschooling DS, I'd pick going back to work any day.  So I work very hard on not thinking about what I walked away from, because no good can come from that.   ;)

 

Please understand: I love my kids, and I know I'm doing the right thing.  Despite everything I said above, I wish I would have decided to stay home sooner because I think it would have helped DS immensely.  But that doesn't change the fact that it's incredibly difficult and (at times) soul-crushing for me to be a SAHM. 

[Snow]

It's too hard to compare. I worked FT until dd was born. DS is challenging, always has been. I think there's probably a diagnosis in there but not sure what yet. Dd is easy.

 

Here's what's harder for me as a homeschooling mom: There's little to no feedback on how I'm doing. I could be screwing them up and won't know until they're older (or maybe never?). It's hard to "go to work" all day now and feel so incompetent. I mean, until I read it, I couldn't have told you anything about the purpose of silent e. As someone who is used to and desires to have a clue about what I'm doing, this is a challenge. Not to mention, the "figuring this kid out" aspect. Trying to figure out what works for him, what causes or reduces resistance, meltdowns, etc..all this stuff, I just feel like I'm flying blind. Also, there's no recognition of my efforts. At work, I had people tell me I was doing a good job, that I was valuable, smart, whatever. And of course, never getting a mental break. I have more physical breaks now, but fewer mental. I'm always on. Draining, exhausting.

 

Here's what's easier staying home: the pace of life. Ahh, a leisurely trip to the grocery store. Ahh, not having to scramble to get my crying kid out the door and get "the look" from my boss when I show up 15 min late. And speaking of idiots, not having to deal with idiots at work who think the world is collapsing because someone sent the wrong stupid email. Also, I don't have deadlines now. There are things in my to-do list, but no one will be let down if I wait a while to decide what our new schedule with be.

 

I'm sure I could ramble for a long time here. I'm thinking of more benefits and drawbacks even now, but duty calls....someone's wii game isn't working ;)

[Snow]

I worked full-time in a demanding career for almost Xx years - until DS was 5 years old and DD was born

 

DS ...... has always been very intense, oppositional, and ultra-challenging to parent. I could have 10 kids like DD (sweet, eager to please, "easy") and it would be less exhausting than parenting DS. Homeschooling him and trying to figure what works (i.e. what will not cause meltdowns, aggression, etc.) has been extremely difficult.

 

I loved working. I had amazing colleagues, a fun and challenging work environment, fantastic salary and perks, recognition - all the good stuff. It was very hard to walk away from that, but I did because I knew DS needed me to be home.

 

Please understand: I love my kids, and I know I'm doing the right thing. Despite everything I said above, I wish I would have decided to stay home sooner because I think it would have helped DS immensely. But that doesn't change the fact that it's incredibly difficult and (at times) soul-crushing for me to be a SAHM.

All of this Julie...I could have written it! Especially the part about wishing I had stayed home with DS earlier because I think he needed that. It's hard. But of course, who can say what being home would have done. I understood him even less at that point and that misunderstanding (which is still partly there) might have made things worse.

[Murphy101]

Yes, exactly. My mom always said teens need their parents even more than toddlers do....just a different need of course. I see many parents basically stop parenting once their kids hit 16 or so. That won't be me.....

Us either. We felt so strongly about it that my dh turned down the best paying job he would have ever had bc we felt it would have meant our teen sons having an absentee father for the majority of their last years living at home. Maybe we'll regret it later. But for now we feel it was the right decision. And our kids are really good kids, not problem kids at all really. (Knock on wood!)

 

Which brings me to another point...

 

I think it depends on the fathers too. When I worked outside the home, dh and I always worked opposite shifts and we shared the entire load. I never came home with the expectation that I had to maintain the house and baby too. When dh was home, he did it. When I was home, I did it.

 

Having 10 kids is hard. Having even 1 kid with some jerk husband who thinks it's beyond him to change diapers, do dishes, cook dinner and so forth? That is something I'd never have tolerated. We'd never have had baby #2 if dh had been like that. All the men in my family are like that and I always swore I'd have no part of it. (And yes, that is very different from a man who would if he could but can't be there to do it. My dh has traveled a LOT and I am perfectly capable of holding down the fort. But it's easier to do knowing eventually the cavalry will arrive.)

[AimeeM]

For me? No, it isn't difficult, even with the large age gap, one in brick and mortar school, two more at home, outside commitments, one medically fragile kiddo, etc.

That isn't to say I don't have rough days. The other day I yelled at the boys and told them mommy was going to go to work and put them in daycare. Not my proudest moment. Blessedly, my husband was there and laughed, making light of it, which made me laugh in turn.

[Dory]

I had to vote other.

It depends on the month. Some months go by so easily and wonderfully. Other months I'm kept hopping trying to stay ahead of my kids, break up fights, and keep communication happening. Some days I want to curl up in a ball and cry after the kids are in bed.

I love being a parent, I love my kids. I honestly wish I had more, but it's not always easy, nor is it always hard.

[Joker]

I don't really find it hard, but I also didn't find working outside the home hard either. I haven't worked since having children, though (so only from the age of 17-22).

 

I also think it was easier having them both home and homeschooling through elementary school. Now they're in public school for middle school and I feel much busier.

[ocelotmom]

I don't know why people seem to think that everyone has, or should have, the same experience of it. People have different situations, and people have different aptitudes. No one would think that everyone should equally enjoy being a firefighter. Why should everyone equally enjoy being a SAHM? Being the SAHM of 5 kids under 5, one of whom is medically fragile and another autistic, with poor family/social support? Yeah, that's going to be very very hard. Being the SAHM of 2 well behaved kids who are at school all day when you have the disposable income to hire a maid, regularly have a babysitter, and so forth? Probably not so much.

 

I have been a SAHM. I now work outside the home. In some ways it's harder. In others, easier. And yes, it varies by circumstances. When I moved cross-country shortly before my first was born, had no social or family support beyond DH, and he was still adjusting to becoming a parent, too - it was very hard, even though it was only one relatively easy baby. When my second was a baby, I had a whole group of mommy-friends and was getting out of the house for a few hours a few times a week for college classes. Then it was, overall, easy and fun.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

A parent working a paid job outside the house sends their kids somewhere else to be cared for and later to be educated. During those hours no one is at home so the house is not being actively dirtied all day either.

 

A stay at home (home schooling) parent cares for their kids at home themselves, teaches their kids at home themselves, and cares for a house that is constantly occupied.

 

Both are jobs, one is paid and one is not.  Both are difficult at times, and easier at other times.  The idea that one or the other "has it easy" is a joke.

 

*There are exceptions in both scenarios, as with everything else in life.

 

[Guest submarines]

I find it neither challenging nor easy. I guess these are not the right words for me.

 

I find it often all consuming and incredibly rewarding. It is challenging in a very different way than anything else I can think of. So this also makes it easy--it flows in a natural way, it has its ups and downs. It has extremely difficult days and days that are full of flow and joy and utter peace.

 

I really think it is an oversimplification to classify parenting as either easy or challenging. It is both and it is neither.

[trinchick]

I think most things are about as hard as you make them. I work outside of the home 4 days a week. I remember going to a birthday party and having my eyes glaze over when I joined a group of SAHMs who were having a 20-minute conversation on the pros and cons of giving their children a daily multi-vitamin. If I had to agonize over things like that - either at work or with my kids at home - I would find any task difficult.

 

I also think that many aspects of being home are frustrating, but not necessarily hard. It is annoying to be in the kitchen cleaning while my toddler tears apart the living room. But neither cleaning the kitchen nor restoring order to the living room is terribly hard - just annoying. I have yet to master the talent of getting said toddler to work with me in the kitchen to avoid the chaos in the living room.

[Mergath]

My own experience is that being a SAHM is easy compared to working outside the home.  Of course, when I worked I was taking care of multiple severely autistic teenage boys, so that might have something to do with it. ;)

 

There are some days it can be emotionally challenging, but now that dd is getting older they're fewer and fewer.  It's really not hard physical work, though, with all the modern conveniences we have to make things easier.  When I think about women who had to do everything by hand, right down to washing laundry in a washtub, hauling firewood to start a fire to cook meals, and grinding wheat by hand, I feel like I have it really, really good.  And there are many women today in other countries who still have to do all that, along with carrying their drinking water miles and trying to avoid violence.  Given that, I can't say that I work all that hard.

[canadianmomtofour]

I am, and always have been, a stay at home mom, so I can only speak from that perspective. My experience has been extremely challenging. I have kids with neurological and medical special needs, and up until 2 years ago my dh traveled for work at least 2 weeks out of every month. It has been exhausting, demanding, and often depressing especially once homeschooling was thrown in there as well. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way. The only job I ever wanted was this one, but I've been thrown a few curve balls along the way.

[Night Elf]

I think being a SAHM when my kids were younger was more difficult than I have it now. I was on-call all the time. Cleaning the house actually took work. Scheduling the kids for various things and keeping up a schedule did not come easily to me. Now I have teens, my youngest is 15. They just don't need me the way they used to. I also live in a smaller house. I can clean it from top to bottom in 3 hours or less, so housework isn't taxing. And I'm not constantly putting toys and craft things away. Both of my daughters do their own laundry so the rest is just easy peasy. Honestly, I'm bored every single day.

 

Now if we're just talking about being a mom, then yes I can say it's challenging. I'm a part of these beautiful people growing up. It isn't all roses all the time, but it's the most worthwhile task I've ever had in my life. I feel completely privileged.

[Guest]

"Easy" is a little bit too simplistic of a description, but I don't think motherhood is hard. I did think newborns were hard and one of my children was a baffling toddler, but on the whole, I don't think motherhood is hard. 

 

I have teenagers now, and I don't think that is terribly hard, either. They are pretty good kids, I grant you, but still - what's hard about it? 

 

I have wondered sometimes what some mothers were expecting when they go on and on about how hard it is to be a mom (or a SAHM, or a homeschooling mom, or whatever). Life is generally somewhat hard for pretty much everyone but Paris Hilton. 

[Dandelion]

 It's really not hard physical work, though, with all the modern conveniences we have to make things easier.  

 

Agreed.

 

In reading through the responses to this thread, those of us who say it's "hard" are all referring to other difficulties.

 

I'm totally fine with the physical demands of being a SAHM.  Cleaning, laundry, and even taking care of our backyard chickens is easy.  

 

Parenting DD, my "typical" child, is enjoyable and easy.  I imagine that parents who don't have any kids with neurological/behavioral challenges think parenting is pretty easy. 

 

In my case, it's mainly the emotional and psychological stress of homeschooling a child on the autism spectrum (DS) that makes it difficult. 

 

[Joanne]

No, SAHMothering is not hard.

 

It is obvious that managing "life" is more challenging the more major roles that are introduced. Therefore being a mom, wife, work outside the home adds more challenges.

 

OTOH, for those of us who need to work/have a career in order to be our best HUMAN, having an outside the home work role can make mothering easier, not harder.

I used to be a staunch, narrow minded advocate of at home mothering and anti-daycare. Staunch. Posted in that regard on this very board (a much earlier incarnation ;)). It seemed that SAHMother was "hard" but I discovered one reason (besides the Dad involved) it was hard for me was because the whole of Joanne was not being honored. I'm a better mom now that I have a career.

 

Being a SAHM is worthy, valid, and meaningful and significant. But it's not hard.

[Amy in NH]

Well, compared to what?  Hard is a relative term...

 

 She still had to do all the things that SAHMs do...

 

 

This just can't be true.  Sure she would have to do all of the household tasks, but not all of the parenting tasks.  She didn't have to do the full-time caregiving.  When you are working outside the home, someone else is doing a large part of the raising of your child, including working on physical, emotional, and cognitive growth and discipline of that child.  When you're a SAHM, you're on all the time and all of those responsibilities are yours.  Someone working outside the home just can not do the same level of parenting work that a SAHM does because a large part of it is done by someone else.  If the child is getting enough sleep, waking time that a working parent could possibly spend with that child is less than half during the week. 

 

I can see how it would be challenging to try to pick up parenting where the paid caregiver left off each day, redefine your relationship, try to develop traditions and instill your values in less time than you'd have as a SAHM, but that's not the same as parenting full time.  I can also see how it is easier not to have to undo the work done by someone else or try to get on the same page with them, and also squeeze all of the things you want to do with your child into the hours before and after work. 

 

OTOH, being the one responsible for all aspects of the child's growth all the time can be exhausting, as any job where you'd be responsible for the whole job 365/24/7 would be.  Whether or not anyone finds full-time parenting (24/7) more or less difficult than full time work outside the home (8) plus part-time parenting is the real question here, isn't it?  Are we actually talking about the housework, or are we really talking about the parenting?

 

I've always understood SAHM to mean stay-at-home-mother, not homemaker.  Perhaps it means something different to a homeschooling mother than one with kids in school?  DH & I have a division of household labor.  My day job is to be responsible for the parenting and educating all day every day, his is to work for someone outside the home 8 hours per day, 5 days per week.  We still have a household to run at the end of the day.  And he does find it challenging to step into the parenting situation I have set up because the way I do things is not necessarily the way he would do them.

[AimeeM]

Us either. We felt so strongly about it that my dh turned down the best paying job he would have ever had bc we felt it would have meant our teen sons having an absentee father for the majority of their last years living at home. Maybe we'll regret it later. But for now we feel it was the right decision. And our kids are really good kids, not problem kids at all really. (Knock on wood!)

 

Which brings me to another point...

 

I think it depends on the fathers too. When I worked outside the home, dh and I always worked opposite shifts and we shared the entire load. I never came home with the expectation that I had to maintain the house and baby too. When dh was home, he did it. When I was home, I did it.

 

Having 10 kids is hard. Having even 1 kid with some jerk husband who thinks it's beyond him to change diapers, do dishes, cook dinner and so forth? That is something I'd never have tolerated. We'd never have had baby #2 if dh had been like that. All the men in my family are like that and I always swore I'd have no part of it. (And yes, that is very different from a man who would if he could but can't be there to do it. My dh has traveled a LOT and I am perfectly capable of holding down the fort. But it's easier to do knowing eventually the cavalry will arrive.)

I couldn't agree more, especially with the bolded.

[LinRTX]

Actually, I think the most challenging are my adult children. Especially when they are all home and I can't send them to their respective corners. Or when they are doing something really dumb and I can't say stop.

 

But there is not a category for that.

 

Being a mother does not stop when they are out of the house.

 

Linda