Anyone who had one parent die and the other parent start dating soon afterwards...help

[PrincessMommy]

I need to process all this, please bare with me.

 

My mom died in March during Holy Week.  When my dad came out to visit us in MD from St. Louis in June he stopped in Indianapolis to see an old school chum (a lady - widowed).   I didn't think much of it because when he was here his calendar was full visiting old friends here.  To me she was just one more on the list.  My mom had been sick for 6 years and dad was pretty much just as house-bound by her caring for her.    

 

He did it again when he and my sis's family came out in Aug for our son's wedding.   Then we starting thinking, "hmmm....?"  But NO ONE talked about it.  Ugh.  This is the way my family is.

 

So my sister, who lives next door to dad, is really grieving for my mom.  Really struggling.  My aunt( who lives out here) is also really struggling.   My mom and her were very close... my aunt actually bought them the house they live in and when she visits she stays in the basement apartment she made. 

 

So last week dad comes to my sister and says, "I've invited K (widowed friend) for Thanksgiving."  !!??  Really? no warning... no asking the hostess if it's okay to invite a stranger over???  Just a statement of fact.

 

My sister was upset (not in front of dad - of course - can't say what we really feel).. Her daughter announced "I don't like her!".   Oh my!    Why couldn't he have at least softened the landing a bit?  Ask if it was okay to bring someone over for Thanksgiving dinner??

 

We aren't really sure if he's actually dating her anyway.  He's a very kind (and gullible) man.  I'ts very likely his oblivious. Just like he's oblivious about other people's feelings/grief.

 

My sister is upset that the very first holiday since mom passed is going to be so awkward and even more painful.  I feel so bad for her too... it's just too much.  My mom loved this time of year and really went all out to decorate - which my sister helped during my mom's final years.  My sis was hoping for a nice family Thanksgiving.  It's very raw for her. 

 

So, I'm going to be calling dad today.  I'm going to see if I can wade through the fog and maybe gently instruct him that perhaps a little warning would have been helpful, if the opportunity presents itself.  My dad has not said anything to me or my other sister about this..  IMHO, it's just rude to invite someone to Thanksgiving dinner in the first place without checking with the host/hostess.  Bad form, dad, bad form.   But, added to that I'm worried that it just sets up a scenario of more bad communication... and if/when he does get serious about someone else, he'll just fobs it on us without any consideration.

 

We all agree that we'd be delighted for dad to have a new partner.  we even talked about it at mom's funeral!! (I know - but it was bad for many years for my parents - we just don't blame him).  But, we would also like it to be done a little more gently.   Does that make sense?  Is it too much to ask??

 

Does anyone have a positive experience where your parent handled the change with grace and respect towards his/her grown children and other people who may still be grieving??

 

 

[MrsMommy]

No advice, but I wanted you to know that I really, really understand what you're going through. Why does stuff like this have to happen at the holidays?

 

Lots of hugs!

[Tess in the Burbs]

Everyone grieves in their own way.  When my stepmom died it was suddenly.  She was told 6 months, it was less than 72 hours.  So come fall when dad was seeing multiple women it was interesting to see how he was handling his life.  We didn't agree.  But it was how my dad chose to live it out.  When I visited he would introduce me to women as friends, but by name we figured out who had been seeing and such.  We all kept our mouths shut and I'm glad now we did.  

 

I know this is still new for many of you, but it's his choice in how he gets through the situation.  A new woman in his life may be what's keeping him from being severely depressed and wasting away at home in grief.  And it may be hard for others, but I would be welcoming of what he wants.  If he wants to spend the day with this new friend and introduce her to family, indulge him.  I'm pretty sure people would rather see their dad happy instead of wallowing in grief.  

 

And it's ok for the kids to be told, it's grandpa's new friend.  Hopefully grandpa will be respectful of the group and not be weird if the mom's name comes up.  In this situation, really the whole family needs to be open to what is today.  Respect the passed loved one, but be happy/grateful for new beginnings.  

[Jen in NY]

(((Debbie))) This first Holiday without your mom has got to be hard... for everyone.

 

That's why I think maybe you should give your dad a pass on this one. It definitely, definitely would have made sense for him to call you guys ahead and give you a heads up about the situation, but since he didn't, there's really no putting that cat back in the bag at this point. I am trying to imagine what the upside of chastising him (however gently) for not talking to you about it ahead of time would be at this point, and I can't see one. I think it may have the effect of making him feel defensive about how he is handling your mom's death.

 

(((hugs))) to you all as you navigate the new normal.

[Wildiris]

You're young. Time is on your side (maybe), but for your dad time is of the essence. Dating at his age is an important part of starting his life again. If your dad were an active caregiver for the past six years he may have already grieved for the loss of his relationship with your mom during those six years. I think you dad's announcement to bring a date to Thanksgiving should be met with grace. It also gives your family an opportunity to check-out his date. I'd be asking dad about the woman from high school. Was she an old girlfriend or an old crush?

 

The grief you feel at the loss of a parent lasts a long time. I know you know this, but your dad isn't replacing your mother. I doubt there is any gentle way for him to bring in someone new. He's just looking for a partner for however many years he has to live. 

[Miss Marple]

OH, dear, I'm sure it's hard and awkward for all concerned.  He probably had NO idea how to present the idea of bring her to Thanksgiving.  I can well imagine my own dad doing it the way your dad did.  Men don't typically think of how to best bring up a subject :D   I'm sure he would have been more considerate if he had any idea *how* to be more considerate.  He was probably worrying all day about telling your sister that he had invited a lady friend.  

 

[PrincessMommy]

Thanks to all who understand how difficult this is. 

 

 

You're young. Time is on your side (maybe), but for your dad time is of the essence. Dating at his age is an important part of starting his life again. If your dad were an active caregiver for the past six years he may have already grieved for the loss of his relationship with your mom during those six years. I think you dad's announcement to bring a date to Thanksgiving should be met with grace. It also gives your family an opportunity to check-out his date. I'd be asking dad about the woman from high school. Was she an old girlfriend or an old crush?

 

The grief you feel at the loss of a parent lasts a long time. I know you know this, but your dad isn't replacing your mother. I doubt there is any gentle way for him to bring in someone new. He's just looking for a partner for however many years he has to live. 

 

I don't think you read what I wrote.  We won't have a problem with him dating.  But, it's the way it was handled  that is most upsetting.   It's not THAT he did it, it's the WAY he did it that makes it so much more difficult.   I'm sure my sis would have taken it MUCH better if dad had come to her and said, "I'm thinking of inviting..K for Thanksgiving, what do you think?" 

[PrincessMommy]

OH, dear, I'm sure it's hard and awkward for all concerned.  He probably had NO idea how to present the idea of bring her to Thanksgiving.  I can well imagine my own dad doing it the way your dad did.  Men don't typically think of how to best bring up a subject :D   I'm sure he would have been more considerate if he had any idea *how* to be more considerate.  He was probably worrying all day about telling your sister that he had invited a lady friend.  

 

yes, exactly what we think.  He' just didn't realize... new territory for everyone.  That's why I do'nt think there's aything wrong with honesty and helping dad understand there may be a gentler way to bring it up.

[rieshy]

My Dad did something very similar- except it was christmas.  The christmas we all would like to forget:)  

 

My only advice is that Wildiris had good points.   Let your Dad live his own life and don't say anything that cannot later be unsaid. Think of him as a teenage boy with hormones and a big old hole in his life.   My sisters and I took comfort in the fact that Dad loved our mom so much, and loved being married so much that he was ready very quickly to remarry.  Like your Dad, my mom's death was not a surprise- she had been terminal for a while.  

 

Plus,  it might seem to you as if your Dad has moved on but looking back I can see that my Dad was still grieving deeply and very lonely and was emotionally very fragile.  Having a "friend" there to celebrate meet a lot of his needs and I think for my Dad, kept him from having to talk and think about mom when he wasn't quite ready- because of course we were not going to chat about mom in front of a girlfriend.  

 

Just love on him as much as you can and don't be surprised if everyone's emotions are a little weird.  The only fight that I've ever had with my sisters as an adult was after Dad left on that christmas from hell.  To this date I cannot even remember what we were fighting about but it was full of raised voices, vigorous arm motions, and irrational tears on all sides. 

 

We want our parents to be our parents but sometimes it helps to think of them as grieving friends.  It sucks because you are all grieving your loss too.

 

[trinchick]

I'm so sorry your family is going through this. Holidays after a loss are so difficult, and this just makes it more agonizing for you all.

 

I know you said that you're OK with his dating so I'm probably beating a dead horse. I've developed this kind of crazy theory that it's a compliment to the departed loved one when their spouse begins dating quickly. I think it's a sign that the remaining person enjoyed being married and misses their departed spouse's companionship.

 

I agree that your dad's timing is really unfortunate, and I'm sorry it's affecting you and your sister so deeply.

[bettyandbob]

I'm sorry for your loss

 

Your dad went through his grieving while he was care giving for 6 years. Often people who have cared for a person for a long time, they have already processed and are ready to see what's ahead. Rather than viewing his behavior as callous, it is important to understand this for him and be welcoming--as hard as that is.

 

:grouphug:

[Lizzie in Ma]

I am sorry it was handled badly, I am sure he has no idea.  Firsts are always, always hard. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Miss Marple]

yes, exactly what we think.  He' just didn't realize... new territory for everyone.  That's why I do'nt think there's aything wrong with honesty and helping dad understand there may be a gentler way to bring it up.

No, nothing wrong with honesty :)  But I think timing is everything.  Maybe after the Thanksgiving celebration is over it can be casually mentioned to him that it would be nice to have a bit of a heads up when/if he's planning to do this again.  Navigating new waters is always hard for everyone.

 

:grouphug:

[Jann in TX]

I think it is silly to force a parent to 'grieve' for a certain period before they entertain the idea of moving ahead with their life... 

I STILL grieve for the loss of my mother-- but that has NOTHING to do with my father's happiness and HIS needs...

 

My mother died at 44 ( my father was 45).  They had been together since their early teens.  My mother passed in April.  In October of that same year he began to date a woman (who had been widdowed at a young age).  They were married the following January just 9 months after my mother had passed.  I celebrated WITH them! 

 

My husbands step mother passed last year just after Christmas.  His father has since taken up with one of his old girlfriends (one he dated BEFORE sMIL and who was recently widdowed-- they started dating 5 months after sMIL passed).  I'm happy for them too.  One of my husband's step sisters is IRATE (really irrational) because FIL did not mourn her mother for the full 12 months that 'she' deemed acceptable.  When you are in your early 80's one year is a HUGE amount of time to wait.  FIL grieved for sMIL the last several years she was alive-- he was her personal caretaker the last 3 years (she was bed-ridden).

[Ellie]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

The first holiday after the death of one's parent is so hard.

 

And every holiday after that, for a long time.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

But really, *I* wouldn't say anything to him about what you perceive as thoughtlessness. Think of it as a sign of how much he loves you all that he trusts you to welcome a new friend. And is it *really* so bad to add *one* person to a big meal?

[kroe1]

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. (I am only speaking in clichés today.)

[zoobie]

Gently speaking, your dad did give a heads up. He didn't show up with her on Thanksgiving with no warning. Asking his child's permission to have a companion along probably did not cross his mind. He hasn't dated in a long, long time, and never with grown kids. Would he have asked to bring your mom anywhere he was going? I don't think he was trying to be rude or breach etiquette. The situation is utterly foreign to him too. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope your holiday goes smoothly.

[Changed]

My mom died when I was 16. My dad married 6 months later. We were all grieving, but I understood (although my siblings are still upset about it--15 years later!). So I understand what you're going through...

 

I don't see how your dad was inconsiderate. Wouldn't someone invited to a Thanksgiving dinner be expected to bring a guest. ?? And, really, I don't think there is a gentle or easy way to introduce this new person in his life. It would be hard no matter how he did it.

 

 

[Happy]

I don't have time to read other responses, but I wanted you to know I've BEEN THERE. And it's not easy.

 

My dad died young. My mom was only 43 years old. She started 'dating' when Daddy had been gone about six months or so. My dad had been ill for a couple of years if that matters--I sort of think it does. Anyway, my mom called and told me and my brother. My only rule was that she date men who were older than me. :) There was one guy that might have been close to breaking that rule. Eventually she began seriously dating a great older gent. He was terrific....and I hated him.

 

In fact at one point I remember sitting in my mom's house and watching him and my mom laugh with my family. The little child in my head thought 'if you would just go away, my Daddy could come home.'

 

Do you hear the little kid logic of that?????...by that time my dad had been gone almost two years.

 

My mom did marry him and they lived happily ever after until she died ten years later. I'm SO glad she had someone to have fun with during those years. I"m doubly glad he was there when she was so sick--he was a rock and loving caretaker.

 

The one thing I missed is being able to talk about my daddy at holidays and such. It seemed like all the stories stopped when mom married H.

 

Hang in there! You can always message me if you want to scream, vent, or cry....I get how hard this is. I get it. I also get that a new companion can be a wonderful thing.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

It looks like I'll be in the minority in this, but is it unreasonable to think you could call your dad and say that while you're all glad he's met someone nice and you don't resent him getting out there again, you and your sister just aren't ready to face this first major holiday without your mom WITH someone else? He's not the only one grieving here, and this is a major milestone for all of you, not just him. Does he know how much your sister is struggling? 

 

I don't know. I haven't gone through this, but I'd like to think that my family is enough of a team that we could all work together on this and speak up if we felt we needed to. I know it's very possible that while your sister isn't ready to face Thanksgiving with another woman there, your dad isn't ready to face Thanksgiving "alone." But I'd like to think there'd be room to talk about it, albeit very gently, with both your sister AND your dad. 

 

:grouphug:  I'm sorry you're all having to deal with this.

[Scarlett]

I need to process all this, please bare with me.

 

My mom died in March during Holy Week. When my dad came out to visit us in MD from St. Louis in June he stopped in Indianapolis to see an old school chum (a lady - widowed). I didn't think much of it because when he was here his calendar was full visiting old friends here. To me she was just one more on the list. My mom had been sick for 6 years and dad was pretty much just as house-bound by her caring for her.

 

He did it again when he and my sis's family came out in Aug for our son's wedding. Then we starting thinking, "hmmm....?" But NO ONE talked about it. Ugh. This is the way my family is.

 

So my sister, who lives next door to dad, is really grieving for my mom. Really struggling. My aunt( who lives out here) is also really struggling. My mom and her were very close... my aunt actually bought them the house they live in and when she visits she stays in the basement apartment she made.

 

So last week dad comes to my sister and says, "I've invited K (widowed friend) for Thanksgiving." !!?? Really? no warning... no asking the hostess if it's okay to invite a stranger over??? Just a statement of fact.

 

My sister was upset (not in front of dad - of course - can't say what we really feel).. Her daughter announced "I don't like her!". Oh my! Why couldn't he have at least softened the landing a bit? Ask if it was okay to bring someone over for Thanksgiving dinner??

 

We aren't really sure if he's actually dating her anyway. He's a very kind (and gullible) man. I'ts very likely his oblivious. Just like he's oblivious about other people's feelings/grief.

 

My sister is upset that the very first holiday since mom passed is going to be so awkward and even more painful. I feel so bad for her too... it's just too much. My mom loved this time of year and really went all out to decorate - which my sister helped during my mom's final years. My sis was hoping for a nice family Thanksgiving. It's very raw for her.

 

So, I'm going to be calling dad today. I'm going to see if I can wade through the fog and maybe gently instruct him that perhaps a little warning would have been helpful, if the opportunity presents itself. My dad has not said anything to me or my other sister about this.. IMHO, it's just rude to invite someone to Thanksgiving dinner in the first place without checking with the host/hostess. Bad form, dad, bad form. But, added to that I'm worried that it just sets up a scenario of more bad communication... and if/when he does get serious about someone else, he'll just fobs it on us without any consideration.

 

We all agree that we'd be delighted for dad to have a new partner. we even talked about it at mom's funeral!! (I know - but it was bad for many years for my parents - we just don't blame him). But, we would also like it to be done a little more gently. Does that make sense? Is it too much to ask??

 

Does anyone have a positive experience where your parent handled the change with grace and respect towards his/her grown children and other people who may still be grieving??

My mom was the new wife after my step dads wife died. They had been married for 45, years she had fought cancer for 5 years. He and mom married 11 months after his wife died. They had also been family friends for 30 years....so I already knew my step sister who was very close to her mom. So I know your pain from her POV. :(. She really really struggled with it even though she had nothing against my mom.

 

My gentle advice to you is to realize he needs companionship and that it won't be easy for the rest of the family. Try to say JUST That to him without the judgment of '"bad form dad' to invite a guest without permission". I think with voicing your pain to him without telling him how WRONG he is you will make yourself feel better and give him a heads up to be more sensitive.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: Big hug to you and your sister :grouphug: .   I do understand what you are feeling...My mil moved on very quickly and it just makes things uncomfortable and even hurtful at times.

 

 

Too bad your sister wasn't able to just tell him how hurtful his announcement was vs. asking asking when he said it.  I'm with the others in thinking scolding him now will not be very helpful, but if the family needs more consideration for the next holiday, then I would discuss it with him.

 

 

[PrincessMommy]

I'm so sorry your family is going through this. Holidays after a loss are so difficult, and this just makes it more agonizing for you all.

 

I know you said that you're OK with his dating so I'm probably beating a dead horse. I've developed this kind of crazy theory that it's a compliment to the departed loved one when their spouse begins dating quickly. I think it's a sign that the remaining person enjoyed being married and misses their departed spouse's companionship.

 

I agree that your dad's timing is really unfortunate, and I'm sorry it's affecting you and your sister so deeply.

 

Interesting theory - and very lovely.  Sadly, it doesn't quite fit with us.  I think the reason we'd be happy to see him date is because their marriage was pretty difficult.  My mom was not easy to live with - especially those last 6 years - it was bad.   I think they loved each other in their own way, but it never seemed like they were companions, especially the last 25-30yrs or so.. does that make sense?   My sisters and I all agree that it would be lovely if he were to find someone to share the rest of his live with - a companion.  I had told my sisters that I thought he'd have a personal renaissance after he got over the grieving period.   I really hope that it happens.

 

 

No, nothing wrong with honesty :)  But I think timing is everything.  Maybe after the Thanksgiving celebration is over it can be casually mentioned to him that it would be nice to have a bit of a heads up when/if he's planning to do this again.  Navigating new waters is always hard for everyone.

 

:grouphug:

 

Yeah, I don't think we'll mention this particular invite. Water under the bridge and all that....  it's more the whole "Are they dating, are they not dating??? - can you just give us a heads-up in a gentle way when/if it does happen. Please?"  That is what is bothering us more.   I think that part can be addressed *tactfully*, without making it seem like I/we're accusing him of anything.  Like I said, we'd be happy for him to be dating... but a little notice would help smooth things over, KWIM?   It's not the potential dating part that is the problem, it's the abruptness in the way it was introduced (and yeah, the first holiday) that is jarring (if they really are dating - no one wants to *talk* - sheesh - that's why I'm more leaning toward opening the lines of communication - so we can  ya know..communicate!).  My dad lives next door to my sis, he eats dinner every night with my sis's family... it's not like he's off living somewhere doing his own thing. 

[QueenCat]

I would welcome the friend with open arms. Telling your dad to "cancel" the invitation could cause issues later on, should they get more serious. Or it could cause your father to still choose to spend the day with her, and not you & your family.

[Harriet Vane]

Sometimes a person is so focused on their own grief, or loneliness, or the business of living after the loss that they forget that everyone else is going through their own grief and shock as well. It didn't occur to your father that this would be a problem for your sister because he was thinking of himself, perhaps? It's not being mean--it's a normal self-focus that follows a major trauma.

 

He doesn't think it's rude to invite his lady friend because he doesn't think of your sister as "the host." She's his daughter; he's the father. No matter how many years pass, parents tend to think of themselves as "in charge" (either consciously or sub-consciously). He doesn't think of Thanksgiving as a party she is hosting; he thinks of it as the family meal that is at his daughter's house.

 

If you do speak to him, remember his terrible loneliness. Be direct (he seems to need it) but be gentle too.

[Seasider]

(((Princess mommy)))

 

I understand where you are. It is very difficult. In fact I am preparing to face the Thanksgiving table in my father's home with the new guy who insists on calling himself my stepfather, despite the fact that I was well into my forties when he married my mother, on the anniversary of my father's death (after they were already living together for an extended time).

 

It's a complicated set of feelings. On the one hand, you are all grieving for your mother on this first major holiday without her. But you are trying to be a loving daughter, glad to know your father is engaged in life after losing a spouse. It's emotionally rending.

 

I think it's fine that you speak gently with your father about how you (your sister especially) are processing the grief, the new gal, holiday stress, all of it. Hopefully he will understand. But brace yourself, he may let out a long string of rationalizations for his actions and lack of thoughtfulness. Just let him talk. Something he says may give you a peg for further conversation. If nothing else it might trigger your compassion meter and help you feel more willing to just coast on your feelings rather than to worry over them. Does that make sense?

 

More hugs.

[albeto.]

  That is what is bothering us more.   I think that part can be addressed *tactfully*, without making it seem like I/we're accusing him of anything.  Like I said, we'd be happy for him to be dating... but a little notice would help smooth things over, KWIM?   It's not the potential dating part that is the problem, it's the abruptness in the way it was introduced (and yeah, the first holiday) that is jarring 

 

 I think other people have offered some beautiful sentiments on how to interpret all this, but if your feelings being hurt is that hard part, then I think that's on you to resolve. It's not other people's responsibilities to keep your feelings from being hurt. It doesn't sound like your dad was being passive aggressive or in any way mean spirited about this, so that's why I think this is your dragon to battle. Your dad doesn't need to know about this. He's got his own dragons to slay.  In any case, I'm sorry for your loss. I imagine this is a very difficult time for you all.

[Liz CA]

Oh, I can see where this would be painful. Especially when it happens within the first year after a death. I am always one who thinks..."a year ago he/she was still alive."

I cannot really say what to do with the situation. I liked FlipFlop's suggestion but it may be too late if he has invited the woman already. It would be very awkward to un-invite her. I don't know if you would feel comfortable with bringing it up to your Dad? You mentioned several times that you don't talk about things like that in your family. Is this an isolated incident or has your Dad always been a little obtuse to other people's feelings? If it's the latter, then it seems one could not expect that kind of consideration from him because he does not see what he is doing.

 

Also, you mentioned that your Mom was sick for 6 years. This is a long time to say good-bye and very stressful when one knows the end is coming but it's long in coming. He may feel he has not taken a deep breath in 6 years and now is the time...does this make any sense? Hugs to you!

[PrincessMommy]

And what if he would have asked if it is ok (which he should not have to IMO)?  What would everyone have said?  No?  I mean that's wrong too.  So why bother to make him do some song and dance about the situation?

 

And speaking of a person being sick for a long time before dying.  I think there may also be some of that time spent already grieving.  I know I grieved before my mother died because I knew she was going to die soon.  It's hard to live like that without somehow distancing yourself in your mind. 

 

Are you talking about Thanksgiving invite or dating??

no, no - not permission to date. But, something along the lines of "I'm think I've found someone I really like, how do you feel about that?" or "I really like K, what do you think about her?"    More - "this is what I'm planning to do" rather than "this is what I've done."  A way to ease the landing.  I know it's subtle, but I think there's a difference.   I'm not comfortable with the attitude that I can just live my life whatever way I want to and the h*ll with anyone else.  If you have family, they should be considered - but not asked permission of.  Does that make sense? 

 

If my kids wanted to invite someone to Thanksgiving dinner - I would not refuse (neither would my sister).  I've even told college kids that if they have friends who have no place ot go to ask them here."   But it is polite to get the question, "Is it okay if I invite... for Thanksgiving?"   At least that is the way we do it in our family.   If my husband just invites someone over for dinner without checking with me first (the cook), it is NOT appreciated - BTDT. 

[Miss Marple]

 

My dad lives next door to my sis, he eats dinner every night with my sis's family... it's not like he's off living somewhere doing his own thing. 

 

Based on this, I certainly think you/sis can bring up the subject of dad dating fairly easily.  It sounds like there is good communication/affection there.  Just don't make him feel badly about how he managed this Thanksgiving :)  You're in reverse situations now - dad bringing home a date LOL.  We don't want our teens to feel inhibited or awkward about bringing home a person they are interested in.  Your dad is now in that "teen" position.  

 

This thread reminded me of the time I told my folks I was going out for the first time with my dh.  We were all sitting around the dinner table and I finally blurted out, "X asked me to go to the basketball game tonight.  And I'm going to go."  There was a long awkward silence then everyone went back to eating and chatting.  I have NO idea why I felt I needed to make an announcement, but I remember feeling awkward about the whole thing (try to analyze the teenage brain :p ). 

[Scarlett]

Are you talking about Thanksgiving invite or dating??

no, no - not permission to date. But, something along the lines of "I'm think I've found someone I really like, how do you feel about that?" or "I really like K, what do you think about her?" More - "this is what I'm planning to do" rather than "this is what I've done." A way to ease the landing. I know it's subtle, but I think there's a difference. I'm not comfortable with the attitude that I can just live my life whatever way I want to and the h*ll with anyone else. If you have family, they should be considered - but not asked permission of. Does that make sense?

 

If my kids wanted to invite someone to Thanksgiving dinner - I would not refuse (neither would my sister). I've even told college kids that if they have friends who have no place ot go to ask them here." But it is polite to get the question, "Is it okay if I invite... for Thanksgiving?" At least that is the way we do it in our family. If my husband just invites someone over for dinner without checking with me first (the cook), it is NOT appreciated - BTDT.

Maybe he doesn't know yet? Maybe is just enjoying reconnecting with a friend. Does it really matter if they are dating vs just being friends? But you could ask him. Of course that would require communication. :). When my mom told me she had received a letter from my now step dad my eyebrows shot up. She said oh he is just saying hi! Yeah right mom.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

And what if he would have asked if it is ok (which he should not have to IMO)?  What would everyone have said?  No?  I mean that's wrong too.  So why bother to make him do some song and dance about the situation?

 

Why would it be wrong for his daughters to say no? Why wouldn't they be allowed to have their own feelings about it, the same way they're acknowledging his right to deal with his grief the way he sees fit? I don't think not wanting a new woman at your first Thanksgiving after your mother's death is unreasonable, and I don't think saying, "Dad, it's just too much for us, we're not ready. Would it be OK if we maybe make dinner plans for another night instead?" while still allowing for him to be able to say, "This is really important to me, so can we try to make it work?" is inappropriate. I don't know, do families not feel they can interact this way? Maybe my parents and I have an especially good relationship or something?

 

IMO, the kids' feelings are just as important as Dad's here, particularly if one child is having an unusually difficult time coping with the loss. 

[kitten18]

Interesting theory - and very lovely. Sadly, it doesn't quite fit with us. I think the reason we'd be happy to see him date is because their marriage was pretty difficult. My mom was not easy to live with - especially those last 6 years - it was bad. I think they loved each other in their own way, but it never seemed like they were companions, especially the last 25-30yrs or so.. does that make sense? My sisters and I all agree that it would be lovely if he were to find someone to share the rest of his live with - a companion. I had told my sisters that I thought he'd have a personal renaissance after he got over the grieving period. I really hope that it happens.

 

 

 

Yeah, I don't think we'll mention this particular invite. Water under the bridge and all that.... it's more the whole "Are they dating, are they not dating??? - can you just give us a heads-up in a gentle way when/if it does happen. Please?" That is what is bothering us more. I think that part can be addressed *tactfully*, without making it seem like I/we're accusing him of anything. Like I said, we'd be happy for him to be dating... but a little notice would help smooth things over, KWIM? It's not the potential dating part that is the problem, it's the abruptness in the way it was introduced (and yeah, the first holiday) that is jarring (if they really are dating - no one wants to *talk* - sheesh - that's why I'm more leaning toward opening the lines of communication - so we can ya know..communicate!). My dad lives next door to my sis, he eats dinner every night with my sis's family... it's not like he's off living somewhere doing his own thing.

I understand.

 

HUGS to your whole family.

[Catwoman]

Is there any chance that this woman is really and truly just a close friend of your father, and he doesn't want her to be all alone on Thanksgiving so he did the nice thing and invited her to your family celebration?

 

If he doesn't think of her in a romantic way, he may not have even thought that you or your sister may be viewing her as his "date," so it wouldn't seem to him like he was doing anything awkward or that might make anyone think he was being in any way disrespectful of your mom's memory.

 

Also, you said he sees your sister daily and that they're close. I don't understand why she doesn't just come right out and tell him how she's feeling. I'm sure he knows how upset she is about your mom, and I'm also pretty confident that he wouldn't intentionally do anything to hurt her feelings. I'm sure he will feel terrible if he finds out after-the-fact that bringing his friend for Thanksgiving was hurtful to anyone.

[Catwoman]

I had a similar thought. I figured if she had somewhere to go, a traditional family gathering, or what not, I can't imagine she'd ditch that to spend it with a bunch of strangers. But who knows.

Yeah, I can understand how people might assume that they're dating just because he's a man and she's a woman, but they both might just be happy to have a good friend, and there might not be any romance involved at all.

[Murphy101]

My dad already had a live in girl friend by the holidays after my mothers death. We were/are more shocked that he found multiple gals willing to deal with his crap. Tho to be fair, he divorced within 2 years so I guess she couldn't take it after all. Now he brings various women friends and as long as they sleep in separate rooms, I don't care. And I've never had to ask they sleep apart while here either.

 

I have an open door policy for holidays. No invite required. I cook enough for 3 armies either way.

 

(((Hugs)))

[Mrs Mungo]

Are you talking about Thanksgiving invite or dating??

no, no - not permission to date. But, something along the lines of "I'm think I've found someone I really like, how do you feel about that?" or "I really like K, what do you think about her?"    More - "this is what I'm planning to do" rather than "this is what I've done."  A way to ease the landing.  I know it's subtle, but I think there's a difference.   I'm not comfortable with the attitude that I can just live my life whatever way I want to and the h*ll with anyone else.  If you have family, they should be considered - but not asked permission of.  Does that make sense?

I don't think parents really think it's the business of their grown kids to tell them what to do. I also don't think they feel it's not up to them to ease the way for their grown kids. This is just an observation, based upon what I have seen.

 

I have found that many widows/widowers quickly start dating again after a long illness. I know many who have remarried well before a year was up. It is definitely hard on extended family, believe me when I say I know first-hand. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[fairfarmhand]

You're young. Time is on your side (maybe), but for your dad time is of the essence. Dating at his age is an important part of starting his life again. If your dad were an active caregiver for the past six years he may have already grieved for the loss of his relationship with your mom during those six years. I think you dad's announcement to bring a date to Thanksgiving should be met with grace. It also gives your family an opportunity to check-out his date. I'd be asking dad about the woman from high school. Was she an old girlfriend or an old crush?

 

The grief you feel at the loss of a parent lasts a long time. I know you know this, but your dad isn't replacing your mother. I doubt there is any gentle way for him to bring in someone new. He's just looking for a partner for however many years he has to live. 

 

this is what I came to understand about my dad even before my mom passed. He no longer related to her as a spouse, although he loved her dearly and still misses her greatly. My dad was married a bit more than a year after mom's passing. She died Jan 3 and that Thanksgiving, we were celebrating it with my soon to be stepmom. She and dad were married one year and three months after mom died. It was hard but, I am so glad that dad found a sweet wonderful woman who is comfortable with the rest of us talking about my mom.

 

 

hugs to you. I know how hard it is.

[Laurie4b]

What I hear you saying is that your dad is not the only one grieving--your sister is, too, and he has made it much harder on her and she's the hostess. I see other posters focusing on your dad. To lose a parent is also a big deal. You are not saying he shouldn't date. You are saying a stranger is now coming to a poignant family celebration where people's feelings are going to be on the surface. 

 

One thing I might consider  is cancelling the traditional family celebration since it reminds you of your mom. Everyone can go out to dinner and dad can bring his friend. That might hurt less/be less awkward for your sister and others. Then if you want, the rest of you can get together on Friday or whatever and do the traditional celebration without your dad.

 

Or if you feel like you need to say something to your dad, emphasize that you all are not against dating, but it will be hard having someone no one else knows at a dinner that is likely to evoke sad feelings. Your reason for telling him that would be because it's going to be awkward for his guest. Without knowing the real reason, she could feel that she's the problem--you all don't like her, etc.

 

Grieving is hard.

[edelweiss]

Why would it be wrong for his daughters to say no? Why wouldn't they be allowed to have their own feelings about it, the same way they're acknowledging his right to deal with his grief the way he sees fit? I don't think not wanting a new woman at your first Thanksgiving after your mother's death is unreasonable, and I don't think saying, "Dad, it's just too much for us, we're not ready. Would it be OK if we maybe make dinner plans for another night instead?" while still allowing for him to be able to say, "This is really important to me, so can we try to make it work?" is inappropriate. I don't know, do families not feel they can interact this way? Maybe my parents and I have an especially good relationship or something?

 

IMO, the kids' feelings are just as important as Dad's here, particularly if one child is having an unusually difficult time coping with the loss. 

 

I agree completely with this.  I have to say that I can completely identify with your sister, OP.  I would feel very uncomfortable with this scenario.  I do think that it is pretty inconsiderate of your dad to put you both in this position.  I understand that this is hard for him, but he also needs to understand that it is hard for you as well.

 

I hope that you and your sister find a way to work it out.  I'm sure that you really aren't looking forward to Thanksgiving now.  Big Hugs! 

[Rosie_0801]

Maybe this lady will help you all work through your grief. Sometimes people show up in our lives because they have skills that are needed.

 

 

:grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

I'm glad I didn't do this.  And it was SO HARD. My mother was the holiday queen.  She always made holidays special and it was really her thing.  But I didn't want to stop living because she had died.  I clung to our traditional Thanksgiving to give me comfort.  I think I would have been horribly depressed to cancel it or do something radically different.

The first year was the absolute hardest because we had to go through all the holidays and seasons without my mom. 

 

I agree that that is typically best. The reasons I suggested a change of venue were the "stranger" factor that would put a whole wrench in what would be the most normal way to grieve and remember and the hostess is unhappy about an uninvited guest. Moving off-site can mitigate some of that, but everyone is different.

 

[LaxMom]

This is a communication issue, I think, which is compounded by everyone grieving and approaching the first family holiday without your mom. Here's what I'm seeing, and you can obviously take it for what it's worth.

 

You say nobody talks about how they're feeling in your family. I am going to propose that your dad, approaching the first family holiday without your mom, would like to fill the gigantic void at the table with someone who has also been there, with whom he has, what? 50 years of history? He's grieving, he knows you're grieving, and because he feels awkward about speaking freely (because that is your family norm), he just sort of drops a bomb about the invitation. 

 

You and your sister are assuming this is a romantic relationship because nobody speaks freely. Two stopovers to visit with someone you've known more than half your life, when you've suddenly found your life changed in a very significant way, is not necessarily so. Maybe K is weathering the same "first holiday" - whether because her spouse died in the same time frame, or perhaps because her children are unavailable this year for the first time. 

 

Yes, I think you should speak with your dad, but I think you should speak to him and find out how he's doing, "get to know" K, and leave it at that. I can't imagine making him feel more awkward by suggesting he's being rude is going to help. Perhaps he's not so much oblivious about others' grief as desperate to not have glaring reminders of loss at the table. Would your sister normally be ok with guests, or is this something that wouldn't be done? 

 

I think everyone needs to communicate, so you can all stop assuming about one another's feelings, coming to your own conclusions, and feeling resentful about something that might not even be reality.

[Hoot]

There isn't really anything I can contribute other than a heartfelt :grouphug: and my own experience.  I was 9 when my mom died.  A family member set my dad up very soon after and they were married the following year.  So many changes so quickly were tough, but it wasn't a huge deal.  Unfortunately though, it didn't end well.  The woman was in it for the money and physically abused my younger brother and I.  Obviously, this is not an issue for you; however, if there is someone saying "I don't like her" I would not let it be swept under the rug.

 

That said, talk to your dad and get to know this woman.  Yes, it was a poor choice on your father's part to invite the woman to Thanksgiving without discussing it with you guys first, but he's probably also just REALLY thrilled to have found a companion.

[Evergreen State Sue]

I've been there with my dad.  About six months after my mom suddenly died (I was the youngest child at 24), my dad informed us he was looking for someone else.  He had just retired and was lonely.  However, In the 11 years between when my mom died and my dad died, my dad married three times.  That was pretty shocking since my parents had been married 36 years.  By the time the third new wife came along it was hard to be happy for them.  She was the best of the bunch, though.  I wish we could have skipped the drama of the first two.

 

The hardest part was when the first new wife was so excited to show me the engagement/wedding ring my dad gave her.  As she was showing me, she said said something like "Aren't the diamonds from your mom's set beautiful!"  I couldn't believe my dad used the diamonds from my mother's wedding rings.  That wife only lasted 2-1/2 years and she and my mother's diamonds are gone.  Isn't there some rule about passing wedding rings down to the children?  That's the conversation I wish I had had with my dad before he got involved with anyone. 

 

Holidays are such a hard time after you lose a loved one.  I wish your family the best during your time of grief and as you transition into what will become a new normal. 

[PeterPan]

It looks like I'll be in the minority in this, but is it unreasonable to think you could call your dad and say that while you're all glad 

I'll be a little more blunt than that even.  My great uncle and grandfather (brothers in law) both passed away in the same year.  My grandma said her life was over and wanted to die.  My great aunt remarried her husband's friend very shortly afterward, sold her house, all the belongings (giving what the kids wanted to the kids, obviously), built a new house with the man, and decided to have a happy bang-up last however many years of her life.  Her kids were AGHAST.  And you know what, IT WAS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.  

 

My step-father's father had a lady move in with him *one month* after the wife died.  In this case, the kids were a little more sensible, and instead of protesting and saying it was too soon and all this junk, they realized WHEN A MAN IS LONELY he solves the problem.  

 

In both cases the people are still together happily.  The kids protesting only made the kids miserable and caused friction.  UNLESS THE WOMAN IS AN AXE MURDERER, get out of the way, send them champagne, ask when the wedding is.  They're older and know what they want and what they're willing to deal with.  Be happy for them and let them move on.  I understand it's hard for you, but you have to let them move on.  It could be very fast.  Plan on it and then don't act so surprised.  Be happy for them, even as you're sad for yourself.  And frankly, I'm shocked he waited so long.  He's already taking it slow compared to the people I've known.

[Anne in CA]

I know this is not what you want to hear, but this is not as sudden as some men do. One man I have gone to church with for nine years had his wife die the week before Easter and REMARRIED before the 4th of July. He met her on EHarmony and it turned out they both went to our church, just different services and took it as a sign that they were meant to be together. They have been married eight years now. NONE of their kids were at all happy about this, and they did not care a bit. I suspect that your dad will choose a new relationship over making his family happy. He has been sad a long time. He wants to be happy now.

[LaxMom]

So, Debbi, how did it go?

[Guest]

My FIL started dating within 3 months of my MIL's passing.  Dh found it especially hard to deal with because 1) She was only a couple of years older than dh, and 2) Dh and his sister felt she was using FIL.  We found out she was, and he left, but started dating soon after.  He ended up marrying less than a year after MIL passed, and his current wife is a lovely woman.  She understands that when dh is there, he will talk about his mother.  She doesn't try to take MIL's place, and respects the fact that sometimes FIL and dh's conversations turn to his mom.  

 

Honestly, I see this SO often in men.  They are used to having a wife to take care of them, and I see a lot of them finding a new spouse within a year or two.  Doesnt make it any easier, but it is very common.  FIL said it was a compliment to MIL....because she did such a good job of being there for him, that he missed that immensely when she passed.

[ElaineJ]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

We've been through this scenario as well, and it is super hard. I would agree with other posters who have mentioned how common it seems to be for men, especially, to remarry very shortly after losing their spouse.

I do think that your grief and your sister's grief is equally important with your dad's grief and should be allowed out in the open. I wouldn't uninvite the new lady, but I would say something like, "Dad, I'm so glad that you are making lots of important connections with friends, both new and old. This has been such a difficult time for you! It has been so hard for us, too. Thinking about this upcoming holiday without mom is really hard, and I have to be honest and let you know that seeing your new friend there when mom isn't will probably bring up a lot of sad feelings for me. I'm glad she can come and I don't want you to feel bad for moving ahead with your life because that is what we all want for you. I just want to share with you as my dad that I'm still really grieving right now."

Prayers for you all as you journey through this season-

Elaine