Did you set 'ground rules' before you were married?

[Isabella]

My 17yo daughter was saying if she got married she would be sure to set some 'ground rules' before marriage regarding expectations of each other.

 

I think that she has come to this conclusion as a result of seeing my marriage and struggles.  I wouldn't have even thought to do this before marriage.  I had a fairytale view of how my marriage would be, after being brought up in a somewhat dysfunctional family.  I thought things would just all fall into place.  The reality has been reasonably far from that, and looking back, I think it would have been easier if I was mature enough to have formed some realistic expectations and had the confidence to voice them.

 

So, did you and your spouse set any 'ground rules', or lay out expectations of the other?  Do you think it's helped things to be easier that if you didn't?

 

[Catherine]

Our only ground rules had to do with communication, like not going to bed with unresolved "stuff", being as honest and direct as possible about problems, without being hurtful. I think communicating well is one of the bedrocks of good marriages so I think it's definitely helped us. 

[Mandylubug]

I had a list of qualities I was looking for in a husband. At age 15, I had this list LOL. Maybe overkill? But I did gauge guys by my wants and expectations. I didn't view dating as just dating for fun, but I viewed it as finding my forever spouse. DH and I both discussed our "requirements" and expectations before we were ever engaged. Actually, I think we discussed it all before I ever kissed him. We waited six months before we kissed.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I had a lot of ground rules after having been in a DV situation.  Most of them had to do with having mutual respect, safety and a way to disagree without abuse.  

[Santi]

More before our whole romantic relationship started than just our marriage, but yes. I first got married when I was much younger and it turned out terrible. Current husband used to be best friends with the ex so we definitely needed rules! I think it's helped us a ton. I have friends whose marriages seem miserable a lot of the time because they don't communicate well.

[MollyAnn]

I didn't really see it as setting ground rules, but we got married so quickly after meeting that I wanted to make sure we were on the same page about major things. We talked about how many kids we wanted, that I would be a stay at home mom, we would move wherever his job took us, that we were equals and there would be no head of household, and I am sure a bunch more but that was 15 years ago and I can't think of them.

 

That is not to say everything has run smoothly. He had problems thinking of it as 'our money' instead of 'his money' when I stopped working. He also cut me off after two kids when we had agreed on four, but I got a third. I know there are a few things that he could point out about me.

 

Now that DD is 13 and DS 11 I have started talking about how sometimes love is not enough, that sometimes it is possible to be in love with someone who isn't good for you and you need to be strong and walk away of that happens, that love is very important but there needs to be respect with it, that opposites do attract and that is fine as long as they both want the same kind of life, and that while people change over time you can never change someone and you can never fix someone.

Everything I had to learn on my own which I am sure they will have to learn also. I just want my words in their heads to help them when they do go through those lessons.

[SKL]

I didn't get married, but talked marriage very seriously with a guy.  He had very specific ground rules that I had to agree to before he would even introduce me to his family.  He called them "The Four Principles" (4Ps for short).  LOL.  I probably had one or two as well, in response to his, but I don't remember what they were.

 

One would hope that people could expect basic respect and an attitude toward team problem solving.  Too bad that is idealistic.

[Dory]

There needs to be some sort of choice in the middle of all that. We both had numerous thoughts and expectations, but there was a LOT of things that neither of us really thought of. Neither of us realized that some things needed to be looked at, and neither of us realized how much things might change over the years or how far off of realistic our expectations might have been. It made us miserable. It's caused damage that we are still trying to figure out and repair 11years later. Also, me voicing my opinion didn't really matter a lot in the beginning. I would voice it, but it wouldn't make a difference, and I am not stubborn enough to keep pushing on something if no one cared the first time around.

[Heather in Neverland]

Absolutely. We were a bit older when we got married ( I was 26 and he was 28) and we had a good idea of what we wanted and didn't want. Having these discussions beforehand was absolutely vital to the health of our marriage.

[Melissa in Australia]

Yes.

 I think it made things easier, but I am not positive.

 

one thing for sure. We have referred back to it several times. Always the same one

[Tap]

Well, since it seem to be all or nothing....I went with nothing in the poll.  We didn't have 'well-thought out' plans, but did discuss a couple of major topics while we were dating.  We agreed that divorce was not an option, barring a major offense like abuse/adultery. We didn't really discuss other detail because we were together for almost 4 years before we got married.  We dated, lived together and had already made an offer on a house before we got married at 22.  We just addressed issues as they came up and dealt with them. 

[Laura Corin]

Husband and I lived together for four years before we were married.  I had a pretty good idea whom I was marrying.  So no ground rules necessary.  We have been together for 25 years and are doing very well.

 

L

[Joyofsixreboot]

We totally flew by the seats of our pants. Knowing our personalities agreeing ahead wouldn't have mattered we'd have still argued.

[nd293]

I chose the first option, but in reality, much of this was established by trial and error when we lived together for four years before we were married (more or less from when we met although we did maintain separate residences for the first year and alternate between them). The effect was the same: by the time we were irrevocably committed we had our basic expectations figured out. The most important issues: financial values, parenting philosophy (especially on whether we should both work or whether there should be a stay-at-home parent) and acceptable displays of anger/temper (no swearing or hitting stuff, for instance).

[Night Elf]

Well, I answered for my current marriage. Having both been through divorces, my DH and I learned things the first time around that became important to us for the second marriages. So yes, we both had expectations, but I wouldn't call them ground rules. Rules imply a law must be kept or punishment will incur. One of our expectations was to be open and flexible to new ideas, willing to discuss things sensibly on an as needed basis. I guess that was our biggest, probably considered to be underlying, thing. Communication. We didn't have it in our first marriages.

 

Now if I had to answer for my first marriage, i would say I had no expectations and certainly no ground rules. I was head over heels in love and saw everything through rose colored glasses. After 2 years of miscommunication, i realized marriage wasn't the heavenly state I thought it would be. Then I spent 5 years trying to get him to understand me. From that I learned the lesson that you cannot change people, they have to see change is warranted and initiate it themselves. I don't think any sort of ground rules would have worked in my first marriage. We did things willy nilly, each expecting the other to cave in and let go. We were, well I was , too young to truly understand it takes two to make a really good marriage. He was 8 years older than me and i was his second serious relationship. The first woman broke their engagement but he never shared a reason with me other than to imply it was all her fault. After 7 years with this man, I wondered if there was more to it than he was letting on. Don't get me wrong. He's a good man and a great father. He just wasn't the type to believe in 'it takes two'. I know a few things about his current marriage and what he found works for him. It's surprising though. Of course, his wife actually asked me how I dealt with him. I just laughed and told her not very well since we ended up divorced.

 

I talk to my kids about being in love and being responsible adults, and most importantly, being respectful. I have a great marriage that has been a good role model for how marriage can be truly wonderful. Both of my girls have stated they want the type of marriage i have and i think that's sweet. My oldest dd especially has ideas on what marriage should and shouldn't be. Besides me, she has her dad and stepmom to be influenced by, and their marriage isn't as easy going as mine is. And as much as she loves her dad, she's not liked guys that seem like him. So in our case, all of us adults have influenced her and she feels she knows what she wants.

[mathmarm]

Yes, we both had ground rules. I begin formulating my list when I was 9 or 10 and revised it constantly until I was about 19. Much of our lists overlapped and I took that as a good sign :).

[Onceuponatime]

I had a list of qualities I was looking for in a husband. At age 15, I had this list LOL. Maybe overkill? But I did gauge guys by my wants and expectations. I didn't view dating as just dating for fun, but I viewed it as finding my forever spouse.  .

 

I was this way too. But 30 years later I see it would have been better if we had talked some things out. My mother told the minister who married us that we did'nt need pre-marital counseling, without asking me. I think we would have benefitted. Especially since dh was embarrassed to discuss certain things before marriage.

 

A couple of months before the wedding, I asked him if I should go on BC he was shocked and said we would talk about it after we got married! I said what if I get pregnant? He told me I wouldn't dare! The poor guy was clueless.

 

Also after 30 years, I wonder how it came to be that I do all the cooking and the cleaning, I don't remember agreeing to that. Dh never disciplined our first couple of children, which was very frustrating. From the beginning I would have insisted on an allowance for housekeeping and personal needs/wants. I don't like the feeling of guilt from spending money that he worked hard for, even though he never complains at all.

[mathmarm]

I should clarify though, that the ground rules for both me and him. Faults that I saw in other women and mothers that I didn't want to be seen in me 10+ years later. I was determined to be honest and truthful about things, rather than demure to someone else and resent them. There was a list of things I'd never say or do to my husband and the traits and qualities that I wanted him to possess. Later there was a column for how I wanted to be treated...that sort of thing.

 

 

[carriede]

We talked about most of the topics ya'll have mentioned, but we never labeled it "ground rules". Not sure how to vote, since we did have many premarital discussions.

[jillian]

We did pre-marital counseling. We had talked about what we wanted and expected. Some things had to be figured out as we went along simply because we just didn't know things were issues until later. We are military too so some things were just part of our relationship that are different from others.

[NotSoObvious]

I suppose, but considering when we got married we were Mormon, didn't drink, and wanted 5 kids and now we aren't Mormon and are infertile...

 

Life changes and people change. I can't imagine trying to come up with too many "rules" as a newly wed that would be valid decades later. You have to be willing to grow and change together.

 

With that said, we did establish early on that when we got into an argument, we weren't allowed to walk out or leave. But I think that has to do more with being a good communicator and letting your spouse know what you need.

[bettyandbob]

We talked before marriage about the general picture of marriage and future. We did premarital counseling which covers finances, children, sex and arguments. We talked about those things before counseling. Required counseling made us talk about them more. I think more couples should do premarital counseling. It doesn't have to be with a religious leader. It should be something that gets them talking about the issues that come up in a marriage.

[Carol in Cal.]

Not everybody sticks with what they say.  So making agreements in advance is only as helpful as the character of those who are getting married is good.

[Mom0012]

No, not "rules". It was clear throughout the development of our relationship that we had the same goals and values, so I can't see where rules would have been necessary. If we had completely different goals and values, I doubt we would have married.

 

I do think it is good for a young person to be thinking about what is important to them in a marriage and to look for a mate that shares similar feelings about those things. I would not have liked being told, "I must ... " and can't imagine my dh would have liked that either. It actually would have been a complete turnoff and a big red flag for me that this is not a person I want to marry.

[*Lulu*]

I couldn't vote as nothing fit our situation.

 

We did pre-marital counseling which helped us explore lots of topics and there were a lot of things we discussed over the course of the three years we dated before getting married.

 

Since we married we have several times sat down and negotiated terms. (It sounds funny but it is true and has been very valuable.) We have very clearly spelt out who is responsible for what in the daily running of the home and that communication helps keep us from setting ourselves up for resentment or frustration stemming from unreasonable expectations.

 

It sounds very formal, but the way it is lived out in our relationship is with love and grace.

When DH is sick or swamped at work, I cover his responsibilities; when my PTSD symptoms get bad, he steps in and takes things off my plate to help keep me from feeling overwhelmed.

 

So, while I don't think it is necessary to have "rules" laid out, I think good communication both before and after the wedding is an important part of having a healthy relationship. Sharing expectations would definitely fall under the heading of good communication.

[marbel]

My husband and I both had been married before we met, so we had pretty good ideas about what we wanted and expected. 

 

The best thing we did was have premarital counseling by the pastor who married us.  He made our responsibilities to our marriage very clear. He had us talk about expectations but also about flexibility and contingency because things don't always work out the way we plan or expect or want.

 

The one area we still have trouble sometimes is communication.  Hard to imagine after being together 20 years but sometimes we still look at each other going "huh?" 

 

I didn't vote in the poll because nothing seemed to fit.  

[Aspasia]

I guess I don't really understand what these "ground rules" are that people are talking about. Like NotSoObvious said, things change and you have to grow together. Plus, what do any of us really know about marriage before we get married? A great example is the "never go to bed angry" rule. Seems like a good idea while you're dating, right? But then you get married and realize a few months or years into it, that everything gets worse when you're both tired. The fights get worse, the behavior gets worse. You learn that when you're angry, maybe the BEST thing you can do is to just go to bed--together. Things always seem better in the morning when you're well-rested and your head is clear. The disagreement still exists, but you're able to deal with it much more constructively.

 

I don't think we had anything that resembles ground rules. We got married "Mormon style"--after a very brief courtship and engagement. What we did bring to marriage was commitment. That, not pre-set "rules", is what has helped us deal with our impasses and disagreements. Over the years, we have also developed increased flexibility, which I also think is key. Other than that, we have fundamental respect for each other and good problem solving skills. We are almost ten years in, and I really couldn't be happier.

 

I personally think that if your daughter wants to increase her chances of marital happiness, it would be more effective to do like pp mentioned and make a list of traits that she desires in her future spouse...and then BE that person herself. That's how you attract the person you want. And then, when she's dating, the most important things to learn about a potential spouse are their communication style, what their values are when it comes to marriage and family, how flexible they are, and if they fundamentally treat you kindly and with respect. If you are both committed and respectful, and have similar goals/values, your chances of happiness are very good, IMO.

[JustEm]

Once we were engaged I set one ground rule and that was I will be raising our children Catholic.  If that would have been a problem for him then we would not have gotten married.  Luckily it wasn't and he decided to look into coming back to the Church shortly after we got married.  It has been great ever since!

 

Not ground rules really but we certainly made sure we talked about the ins and outs of ours lives together, what we both wanted, how many kids, etc.

[ktgrok]

I don't knwo what "ground rules" would mean in this case. Big stuff, like religion, abortion, birth control, the importance of trust, that was all discussed. But not rules on how the other person should behave. Just honesty on how I feel about things, and how I would handle certain things. 

[mlbuchina]

I don't knwo what "ground rules" would mean in this case. Big stuff, like religion, abortion, birth control, the importance of trust, that was all discussed. But not rules on how the other person should behave. Just honesty on how I feel about things, and how I would handle certain things. 

 

This was pretty much us, as well.  My dh and I had lots of discussions about what we wanted in a marriage while dating.  The only thing I remember specifically telling him I wanted was that once we had children, I would stay home with them, and homeschool them.  So far, that's worked out pretty well.   :D

[mytwomonkeys]

Yes, I suppose both of us had "ground rules" in place (although we certainly didn't call them that??). And yes. It helped a great deal with understanding each other's expectations of each other and our marriage.

[Mandylubug]

The first year I homeschooled, my Dad gave me a letter I wrote to him about my desire to homeschool while I was still in college. I had decided at that time to stop pursuing my degree in psychology and instead went forward with becoming a dental assistant. My reasons for doing so were because I planned to only work temporarily and one day, God willing, be a stay at home mom that homeschooled her kids. DH and I were engaged at the time, so we obviously discussed that as well. I had forgotten about my letter. It was neat to have.

[Kim in Appalachia]

My dh and I did pre-marital counseling with our pastor before for 6 months before we were married.  I think it was very helpful.  My dh and I had been dating for 6 years by that point (met in high school), and we knew each other fairly well.  But sitting down and voicing expectations was helpful, and our pastor gave great advice.

[Crimson Wife]

We did pre-marital counseling but there have been issues where how we felt at 21 and 23 is not how one or the other now feels at 36 and 38. The phrases "but you KNEW before we got married how I felt about _______! You said you were fine with it!" comes up not infrequently when we argue.

 

Don't get me wrong- I am very glad that we did the pre-marital counseling because it has helped us. It just hasn't prevented as many disagreements as I would have thought at the time we did it, because of the "I changed my mind" factor.

[ErinE]

I think communicating with your partner is better than walking into a relationship with "ground rules". Otherwise, you're not treating your future partner as a true equal in the relationship. If you're not compatible, why waste time discussing future plans? I had, as DH did, my own views on what I wanted in a spouse, but that was used as a pre-screen for serious dating.

 

However, DH and I participated in a couples counseling session before we were married. I wish it had been similar to the RC's multi-week classes, but it was still useful. It brought up several topics to discuss that in the rosy haze of love could easily be glossed over like children, finances, holidays, and handling disagreements.

 

The ability to disagree and make-up is a far better skill to have going into a relationship.

[Santi]

I think I might have misunderstood the question- I meant ground rules like no fighting in front of dd, etc. Not what type of person I wanted him to be.

[Danestress]

No. We discussed very little and trusted ourselves to work out issues as they arose. And we really have. 20 years in, we are still good to each other.

 

I think amiable people who marry amiable people have it easy. The only rule we really set was that if I was going to do the cooking, I would just flat NOT do dishes at night. And I never do. I cook, he cleans. If he tried to slack in that, he woukd find himself eating a lot of Lean Cuisine.

 

But seriously, we are just not the kind of people who have to iron out things ahead. And we have been lucky, I know. I would focus more on the temperaments and values of the other person than on the 'rules.'

[Renee in NC]

No, but I wish I had.

[LiveforLaughter]

I think I might have misunderstood the question- I meant ground rules like no fighting in front of dd, etc. Not what type of person I wanted him to be.

 

:iagree: That's what I was thinking of too. Nothing that would make him a different person, just expectations of certain things.

 

We were young and had an unplanned baby a year into our relationship. In a weird way, it helped us realize we were meant to be married because we wanted the same exact thing. 

[Murphy101]

Idk what you mean by expectations.

 

We were 16 when we met and talked about everything under the sun.

 

I think the only expectation we both had was once we said our vows, there'd be no changing it. The end.

 

Everything else? If we knew we were tied together to the end, somehow we would work it out. I don't know that it made it easier or not bc it's the only life I've known.

 

The problem with expectations is not having them, it's what to do when one or both fail to meet them. Because they will. Because they are human. Because circumstances and perspectives change.

 

So if the question is whether we had lines in the sand parameters drawn around around our marriage? No. Not really though it was understood we wouldn't abuse each other and would generally be kind.

 

If the question is whether we talked about our hopes, dreams, ideals, goals, and such? Sure. Lots.

 

But never thought I'd take in a mother dying of cancer when I was 21 or that I'd have 10 kids or need to homeschool them or convert to Catholicism.

 

Life often laughs at expectations.

 

ETA: nope. We didn't have rules about fighting or whatever either.

 

Oh wait. I think the only thing I told him from the get go was I would never tolerate that I'm a man/breadwinner and thus don't do dishes or take care of babies crap. But it was stated as an expectation, just a foregone fact. And I knew before I married him that he wouldn't be like that. We both took care of other people's babies/kids on a somewhat regular basis and even then he was more likely to be the one to walk the floor and faster to change the diaper than I would have been. He was always shocked than none of the men in my family ever even hold babies.

[Farrar]

"Well-thought out" probably gives my 21 yo self too much credit, but yes, we absolutely talked about this sort of stuff.

[Joanne]

Marriage #1 - We both were living a very specific program of living/recovery. It was implied that we'd continue to embrace the values and outline of living involved in that. I didn't know what I didn't know about "ground rules" to prevent what happened.

 

Marriage #2 - No, other than baselines.

 

Marriage #3 - not gonna happen. ;) When the kids move out and the dogs die, I am not getting so much as a plant.

 

 

[mytwomonkeys]

We also did premarital counseling, which we both found to be very beneficial as well. They covered so much ground regarding topics that hadn't crossed my mind. Our "ground rules" were really just either convictions or things that we weren't willing to compromise on. For example, we didn't have sex before we were married-- we had both been in past relationships and wanted this to be different. We discussed it and it was a "ground rule" so to speak. We also discussed if we wanted kids and when? I was almost 29 when I got married, so it mattered to me.We agreed that we wouldn't have tight-knit friendships with people of the opposite sex. We are friends with people as a couple, but not with individuals closely of the opposite sex. Yep. I know that's a hot topic here, but it matters to us and it works. Aside from that, we didn't have a list of non negotiables. It really wasn't about changing either one of us, but more to do with fully exposing ourselves to one another. Sort of, this is who I am and this is where I'm at in my life.

 

So much of the other stuff that mattered to me was filtered out in my own discernment of the kind of man I was looking to marry in the first place. So it wasn't like I was just dating without an understanding of the type of man I was involved with. I knew the characteristics and values that mattered to me, so before we ever discussed marriage, I already felt confident he was the type of man I could spend my life with and raise a family.

[Mommyof4ks]

We talked about a lot of things before marriage, but communication and respect are really the only 'ground rules' if you want to call them that. When we married we had no idea that we would travel down a road of life threatening illnesses with 2 kids, deal with medical debt, and that all of that would totally change our thoughts on life and what we wanted to do with our lives. We are very different people than we were 15 years ago, however we have kept communication open and are respectful of the thoughts and opinions of one another. Compromise is a huge thing in marriage, and setting a bunch if rules might not work out well, but it is good that she is thinking about what is important to her. I was only 2 yrs older than her when I got married, so now is certainly the time to figure out what deal beakers would be.

[Soror]

We talked about everything but neither of us really had rules for the other. We both had general expectations of how the other would act I guess. We have both changed since marriage so any rules we had set up then would have been little use now. As a pp mentioned our ability to discuss, compromise and treat each other with respect has been far more important than any rules would have been. When we married we were both agnostic, fairly liberal, and only planned on 1 or maybe 2 children. We both converted to Catholicism and have 4 children. I'm now half-liberal and half-conservative, dh is generally conservative on most everything.

[AimeeM]

No.

Now, we "courted/dated" with the express intention of learning if the other was potentially someone we could spend our lives with, so there was a lot of frank, open discussion regarding our views on marriage, gender roles, children, religion, politics, etc - almost immediately. By the time we went on our first formal "date" we already knew where the other stood on these things, knew where small compromises would need to be made, and knew that we enjoyed eachother.

I don't regret not making ground rules, no. I also do not regret getting to know the other's views on each of these things before even diving into a real "dating" scenario, but that's also reflective of that him and I were both past the point of dating for the sake of dating, we were looking for someone to settle down with, so "vetting" our potential spouse was seen as important to prevent wasted time.

I'm not sure what "ground rules" would do anyway, if I'm honest. A reasonable spouse would listen without the ground rules, an unreasonable spouse isn't going to care about "ground rules".

[waa510]

I think I had some reasonable expectations. We went over the basics while dating like how many kids, what we want our lives to look like, work plans, etc. We didn't talk about a lot of the major stuff. I think we were very naive. I don't think we really 'got' the whole idea of us being a family or a team, either. That caused a whole lot of issues! I wish we had better understood the implications of a married relationship. I think ground rules of how involved you expect your parents to be after marriage is huge. We really struggled with Dh letting go of his immediate family a bit and connecting to us ( dd1 at the time and I). It has caused a gigantic rift between his family and ours that will never be truly repaired, IMO. They're finally sort of civil and are slightly in the kids' lives but that has just been in the past year or so and we've been married almost 8 yrs!! They still struggle to find a balance in how to be parents to an adult child, and respect that we are his family.

 

We had a lot of issues with his family and I before getting married, but thought it would all blow over once I was 'family'. I think teaching your kids to be realistic and work out big issues *before* getting married is key.

[sbgrace]

I had no idea what we were going to face in this marriage. We did discuss a lot. It was required in our pre-marital counseling thing. But, in retrospect, we didn't really know life. We're not now the same people we were when we got married. It likely would have helped you to have a realistic view of marriage, yes. I think that can happen to people who didn't have marriages ups and downs and stick with it modeled growing up. But certain personalities are just idealistic in nature. That's good in many ways, but can make the less than ideal things in relationships harder to handle!

 

So, I think discussing expectations (even ones like Christmas is travel extended family time vs. Christmas is a nuclear family whose kids get to open gifts in the own home) can be a good thing. I think talking about and agreeing on budgets/money management/debt use is an excellent thing. Understanding that someone might need time to collect themselves before discussing an upsetting issue while the spouse is a "let's work it out here and now" person is helpful. Preparation is good. But I don't think laying ground rules and expecting them to cover what you'll face or even expecting them to be 100% followed is realistic though. And, further, I think there are much better ways to work on a healthy marriage.

 

In terms of your daughter, I think it would be far, far better to find materials that will set up success from the start. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work by Gottman is quite good and has specific exercises. It also paints a realistic picture of a healthy marriage (ie it won't be roses and perfect resolution all the time). Getting the Love You Want by Hendrix has a fantastic respectful communication technique. Those two books are better than any premarital or marital counseling I've seen. Preventing relational issues is so much better than trying to fix things after damage is done.

 

I'm imagining she is wondering if she could make it work better. Maybe you could explain to her that you didn't have the tools and she can go into marriage with healthier tools. Maybe? I say this as someone who wishes I had had those tools when I first got married!

[SailorMom]

We sorta had some rules - but they were more like agreeing about major life choices in advance (i.e. we both wanted kids, preferably 2, etc.).  We both hate game playing and manipulation, so that was a non-issue.  Honesty - that's a big one but I would think it is implied - I wouldn't think you'd have to make honesty some kind of rule....

Also - we decided to never ever say the 'D' word (divorce) to each other.  I mean - when people we know are going through it we say it in conversation, but it is not allowed here.  It may seem silly - but it's also about banning the idea of it, not just the word.

I would say more important than any rules that I can think up is respecting each other.  If you love and respect the person you spend your life with, you'll kinda automatically follow unspoken rules. You won't want to hurt them, so you'll actively find ways of doing things that the other person agrees with (or at least you'll really try to find a compromise).

 

 

 

[Element]

Dh and I have changed so much in the 11 years we've lived together, I don't think any initially laid "ground rules" would even be applicable at this point. I guess we did have a couple of unspoken rules that were important to us both (don't compare the other to his/her parents, keep at it - "it" being whatever hard discussion we're in the midst of- until you come to a resolution) but we didn't lay anything out in a "this is how it's going to be" way.