If a woman from your DH's past mentioned going to lunch.....

[HappyLady]

How would you react?  My DH was in a band for a few years in his 20s (twenty years ago).  He was the lead singer.  The band had a lot of faithful followers.  Not too long ago, one of these women followers found my DH on Facebook and friend requested him.  My DH remembered her and accepted it, but that's about as far as it went.  My DH took the morning off today and took our DD somewhere and posted a pic of her on Facebook from where they were.  This woman said, "Too bad I'm working or we could have met for lunch."  I was kind of taken aback by it because I know I would NEVER go to lunch with someone I really only knew from a band 20 years ago and ESPECIALLY since he's married.

 

I asked my DH why she'd even mention going out to lunch and he said he had no idea and pointed out that he didn't respond to her, nor would he ever go to lunch with her.  I trust him, but he doesn't understand why I'm so upset about it.  He kind of got a laugh out of it because I'm rarely jealous of other women.

 

What are your thoughts?  Is it weird that she wanted to do lunch with him?  Is it innocent because she posted it for the world to see?  Would you be upset/jealous?

[Moxie]

I wouldn't be upset but I would be very aware that that woman is after your man! Keep her at arms length.

ETA: I would ask DH to unfriendly her just to send her a message that he isn't interested.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I would be upset and demand that he de-friend her immediately. If that's their only point of contact, if she doesn't have his number or work address, then that would be the end of the threat and temptation.

[aggieamy]

Oooh.  I would be ticked off.

[Belacqua]

I wonder if she views your husband as a celebrity and is approaching him in that vein. Somebody might fantasize about having lunch with Brad Pitt and it would seem kind of charming and innocent; she just wants to sit and talk with him, maybe get a picture together, but not steal him away from Angelina. Much like those Win a Date With [Famous Person] contests* aren't considered actual dates but rather PR opportunities.

 

But I still think the situation warrants monitoring. If she keeps it up, or she makes her suggestions more serious or private, maybe your husband will have to be firm about telling her to get lost.

 

*I'm reminded of when my economics-major roommate in college was excited because her professor had announced an essay contest to Win a Date With Milton Friedman. She was sorely disappointed to learn that it was, in fact, a Day with Milton Friedman. She still entered, though.  

[Moxie]

Really? I'd mostly be amused. My DH is awesome and he's all mine!!

[Jean in Newcastle]

It wouldn't have bothered me.  I would expect my dh to have taken me to lunch too!  

[Danestress]

I would not be mad about the comment. I would be mad if he actually did it. I would also be mad if she were private messaging him to invite him to lunch. What she said seems pretty much like the standard 'we should get together sometime' thing that people say. Done so publicly, I would not assume the worst about her intentions.

[trinchick]

I guess I'm in the minority, but since it was all in the past tense and hypothetical, I don't think she meant anything by it. If she were suggesting a future lunch, then yeah. Also, since it was in response to a picture of your DD, I don't think she really meant anything flirtatious.

[Paige]

I would not think anything about it. It doesn't sound like she was serious this time or about scheduling anything in the future.

[Heatherwith4]

She commented publicly. She wasn't trying to sneak. It was purely hypothetical. Your daughter was with him. I wouldn't let it bother me. :)

[sassenach]

I wouldn't be upset about anything- too strong of an emotion.  I would say that I would not be a fan of my dh being fb friends with former groupies.  

[Samiam]

I'd never personally do that...but I don't see it as sneaky (I mean, she posted it on his Facebook page, not a PM....I assume he is listed as married on FB, and your name is there...which means she can see that you'd be able to see).    I think for those people that are extroverts, meeting an old friend for lunch is common, something they'd do on a whim, something they'd do without thinking twice about it.  Plus the fact that the pic had your DD in it, if I read your post right, I mean, it's a dad and DD, and the lady says she'd meet them for lunch...I don't see that being flirtatious.

 

If your husband never responds, which I assume you trust he wouldn't, she'd move on IF she in fact was trying to start "something" other than a casual friendship.....and you know what....sometimes those casual friendships means a friendship for YOU as well.   Is she married?  Couple friendships can often start even if the original friends are of the opposite sex, not just same sex friendships.  

[AimeeM]

My husband goes to lunch with old friends - including those of the opposite sex (although I know/have met most of them).

Am I the only one who doesn't automatically assume a lunch invite means she's "after her man"? Lol.

I mean, I certainly do not have a romantic interest in every person I visit with...

[bettyandbob]

It wasn't an actual invite. It sounds like a casual response to a FB pic posting. 

 

I'd just tell him you don't want him meeting her for lunch. If in the future she actually invites him and he doesn't want to unfriend her, he could respond with "great, I'll bring my wife." My neighbor had a woman from his past contact him and he was not sure of her intent, so that's how he responded. The woman backed off immediately. 

 

He's telling you who/what's on his FB. I'd give him credit for that. My dh has no idea who my FB friends, who messages me or anything like that. He told you she responded to his post. Your dh may be clueless about intent (like my neighbor) or the woman was genuine about just chatting about old times over a couple of burgers (since your dd was with him it couldn't have been more than that anyway). 

[zoobie]

If she wanted to go to lunch with him and our kids, it wouldn't bother me. Posting publicly on a picture is much less alarm-bell-ringing than sending a private message. :)

[gardenmom5]

your dh sounds naïve.  why did he accept her friend request?  (she apparently thinks that means he's interested.) 

does she know your dh is married? and that he is NOT interested?

 

eta: it's not the 'having lunch with someone of the opposite sex thing'.  it's the someone he hardly knew, and  hasn't seen hide nor hair of for twenty years coming across as though she is looking for something other than just a casual reconnection with her past.

[Alexigail]

Honestly, I wouldn't like it.  I wouldn't meet up with a guy from my past either, unless it was with a group.  I'm guessing this is an individual thing, though.  There's nothing wrong with feeling either way about it.  

[City Mouse]

The casual mention of lunch doesn't bother me either. My DH does ocasionally have lunch with former coworkers that are female and some of the people that work in the same building that are female.

 

Both my DH and myself have "friends" on Facebook that we haven't seen in 20+ years, so I don't see anything wrong with that either.

 

as long as they are sneaking around to see each other. I don see what the big deal is. It doesn't sound like he really cares one way or the other if he sees her again.

[xixstar]

That wouldn't phase me for a moment. Would not care if they had lunch either if they were friends. Sounds like she was an acquaintance perhaps? I dunno. My DH maintains long term friendships better that I do and would jump to hang out with someone even 20 or more years later. And I feel we are both pretty set in our relationship so the idea of it being a 'risk' of any kind wouldn't cross our radar.

[tabinfl]

Wouldn't bother me. Might annoy me if he actually met her for lunch w/out inviting me (outside of a chance encounter), that's just inconsiderate IMO. We both have former romantic interests among our friends, FB and otherwise. As long as there aren't any secrets or sneaking around, I'm not worried. Then again, we've both been around the block a few times and have weathered some pretty bad storms in our time together, there's not much this side of actual infidelity that could shake me right now.

[xixstar]

Also if I like you enough to be Facebook friends then I like you enough to share a meal together too.

[Mergath]

Sounds like idle FB chatter to me.  I'd try not to worry about it.

[Mango]

I agree, she's testing to see if he's interested. .  . 

 

My DH's last girl friend, the one before me, wrote a very personal letter about 3 years after we'd been married. DH asked me what I thought I and I requested he not respond. He didn't and she didn't try to contact him again. She was putting out feelers because we heard that a year after that she was in a new serious relationship with someone other than her baby daddy. 

[regentrude]

Would not bother me.

When I go back home, I sometimes have lunch with old friends whom I have not seen in years.

[bolt.]

I'd have no reaction at all. My DH has friends of either gender, and I don't consider eating lunch together with friends to be unusual or inappropriate in any way.

 

I'm not interested in my DH having any social barriers that aren't self-initiated -- he can manage himself, and if he wants to be faithful, he will be. (And if he isn't interested in faithfulness, I think maybe it's better to hit the fan sooner rather than later.) The only time he would rebuff a female friend is if he felt himself developing a crush, or had reason to believe she had one on him... That's because he's interested in faithfulness.

[elegantlion]

It wouldn't bother me unless there was history between them. If not, I don't assume previous friends of the opposite gender have nefarious reasons for wanting to connect. Heck, I'd probably leave that kind of message. 1. on public on facebook so if he's married the wife would know. 2. commenting on a photo of his family so that he'll know I recognize him as a married man with family. If he asked to bring along the wife, I'd say sure, love to meet her. 

 

People of opposite genders CAN be friends - there isn't always a sexual connotation to their encounters. 

[PeacefulChaos]

I don't think it's a big deal.

[Wabi Sabi]

This would totally be a non-newsworthy scenario in our household.

[MomatHWTK]

DH and I have chosen as a couple to not invite the past into our marriage.  Meaning that we don't restart or maintain relationships with folks of the opposite gender from our single days.  It makes a nice simple policy that we can explain to anyone and don't have to get into the the "Well I'm friends with X because I don't think he'll make a pass at me, but not friends with Y because he might."  It may be perfectly harmless, but my DH (if he had Facebook) would have not friended in the first place and would definitely unfriend. 

 

I would interpret the lunch comment as a feeler, she was trying to see how far he's willing to go and whether he'll respond flirtaciously or not. 

[Word Nerd]

If that were the extent of her communication with him, it wouldn't bother me. If she seemed to be pursuing or flirting with him, I'd ask him to unfriend her.

[wonderchica]

DH and I have chosen as a couple to not invite the past into our marriage.  Meaning that we don't restart or maintain relationships with folks of the opposite gender from our single days.  It makes a nice simple policy that we can explain to anyone and don't have to get into the the "Well I'm friends with X because I don't think he'll make a pass at me, but not friends with Y because he might."  It may be perfectly harmless, but my DH (if he had Facebook) would have not friended in the first place and would definitely unfriend. 

 

I would interpret the lunch comment as a feeler, she was trying to see how far he's willing to go and whether he'll respond flirtaciously or not. 

Do you mean you don't maintain friendship with people you DATED in your single days, or people you were just FRIENDS with? I can see not wanting to hang out with exes, but dropping all your friends as soon as you get married seems a little extreme to me.

[Ravin]

DW#2 and I would probably tell him to go enjoy himself and let us know if lunch turns into a longer date so we know not to expect him home for dinner. :tongue_smilie:

If it went well, I'd want to meet her if I hadn't before.

 

 

[beaners]

I could see myself making that sort of comment if I saw someone post a picture out to lunch at a place I visit frequently. Just a "hey, cool, small world" kind of thing. I am certainly not pursuing anyone's husband.  (Crap.  Someone analyze that statement for me, and tell me if I have a subconscious desire I don't know about.)  

[sparrow]

Hmm. Yes, I think it would kind of bother me, but I wouldn't freak out about it.  I have a tendency to run a little hot tempered. Character flaw, I know.

 

The thing that is interesting about the question to me is that *I* have an ex-boyfriend that I've talked about having coffee with sometime.  We're both happily married. I moved back to our hometown and we ran into each when he was in town to visit family. We've caught up with each other via FB messages--nothing I wouldn't show my husband, in fact, I did read him parts of the messages, and it didn't even cross my mind that this might be something that would tick off dh.  I don't believe it did. He's a pretty mellow guy.  Now I'm thinking we should just go out for a few beers as two couples instead of the two of us for coffee.

[Ravin]

I could see myself making that sort of comment if I saw someone post a picture out to lunch at a place I visit frequently. Just a "hey, cool, small world" kind of thing. I am certainly not pursuing anyone's husband.  (Crap.  Someone analyze that statement for me, and tell me if I have a subconscious desire I don't know about.)  

 

It sounds to me like you do have an unconscious desire....to eat out.

[MomatHWTK]

Answering question above.. We don't hang out with people we were friends with because there's really no way of knowing if they really intended to just be friends.  I know one of the men who I was friends with would have been thrilled if he could be more.  He would never say, "Hey I'm just sitting around waiting for you to be available," but DH and I could tell.  When he made contact, I told him our policy.  Much nicer and simpler than having to tell him that Dh and I suspected he had a crush on me.  KWIM? 

 

We have observed that not everyone sees marriage as a sacred vow and sometimes they assume that spouse and kids are no impediment whatsoever to pursuing whatever "makes them happy."  We've had male friends of DH who we thought were 'trustworty' (as in respecting the sanctity of marriage) who later revealed that they had affairs with friends' wives.  A female from DH's past ran into him and wanted to exchange information, turns out that later (though she was married) she had a fling with another of his old friends. She was looking to cure some boredom. Yuck! 

 

 

 

Of course, not everyone is untrustworthy, I know this.  And DH and I do trust each other.   But I have a very busy life do I really need to add drama because someone from our pasts is looking to revive their glory days?  If someone made contact and DH or I wanted to see the person, we probably would- neither one of us is locked in a tower.  I'm just not a fan of buying trouble. No judgment on those who are able to balance it all, but I'm an introvert so I try not to add social layers if I can avoid it.  ;)

 

 

 

The person who was my best friend and who I promised to always stay in touch with no matter what happens to be the man I married so there's really no one else out there that is worth rocking out little boat over.  Maybe I'd feel different if I had a bff other than him.  :)

[Catwoman]

If your dh is no longer part of a band and this woman was never anything more than a groupie, I see no reason for her to be FB friends with your dh. She isn't a part of your dh's life at all, and will never be, so I think it's a little odd that she would even want to keep tabs on his FB page. I mean, why would she care? :confused:

 

Personally, I think she was putting out feelers when she asked to be his FB friend, and she took it as encouragement when he friended her. Now she's trying to casually mention lunch to see if he will take it a step further.

 

Maybe I am in the minority here, but I think that if you're having uncomfortable feelings about the woman, you should just ask your dh to unfriend her. It's not like he would be giving up an actual friendship or anything, and in reality, do you really want this stranger looking at your family photos and reading about what your family is doing?

[JumpyTheFrog]

On a blog I visit, singles have been sharing how tired they are of married people automatically being suspicious of them if they want to be friends with an opposite gendered married person. I never understood what they meant until I read this thread.

[AimeeM]

If your dh is no longer part of a band and this woman was never anything more than a groupie, I see no reason for her to be FB friends with your dh. She isn't a part of your dh's life at all, and will never be, so I think it's a little odd that she would even want to keep tabs on his FB page. I mean, why would she care? :confused:

Am I the only person has not only good friends, but also simple acquaintances on my facebook? I'm starting to feel like I am. I have over 200 "friends" on my face - some I know very well, others barely.

[Parrothead]

In those circumstances it would bother me. I wouldn't be upset with dh though. What I'd probably do would be to post something along the lines of "hi, I'm (insert dh's name)'s wife. Thank you for the lovely invitation. Next time we are close we will take you up on it."

 

That tells her your dh has told you about her and the invitation.

 

At that point it would cease to bother me., and dh and I would have a good laugh.

[marbel]

Am I the only person has not only good friends, but also simple acquaintances on my facebook? I'm starting to feel like I am. I have over 200 "friends" on my face - some I know very well, others barely.

 

Nearly all of my facebook friends are people I have met IRL - most I know well, but some mere acquaintances. 

 

I know I am less likely to friend new acquaintances than, say, my adult nieces and nephews who will friend almost anyone they meet.  I've noticed that my kids suddenly have friend requests when they return from camp or start a new class - kids they will likely never see again.  (My kids aren't allowed to friend people they've never met at all.)

 

I've just assumed it's an age thing - older people maybe are more suspicious or just in general not as open to that kind of friend/acquaintance relationship?

 

BTW I am still friends with a single guy who was my neighbor 30+ years ago.  We call each other from time to time to chat.  Our lives are so vastly different -  he's never married, I'm a homeschooling mom of teens; he lives for travel, rock concerts, baseball and basketball; I live for my family - that we don't have much more than a sentimental attachment.  I would be very upset if my husband asked me not to talk to him anymore.  But he is obviously not a threat. 

[Catwoman]

Am I the only person has not only good friends, but also simple acquaintances on my facebook? I'm starting to feel like I am. I have over 200 "friends" on my face - some I know very well, others barely.

The woman in question was a band groupie from many years ago, so at this point, I don't think she would even be considered an acquaintance.

 

Many people don't have FB friends that they barely know, because they prefer to share details about their lives and the lives of their families only with people they know quite well, and not give out too much information to casual acquaintances.

[JumpyTheFrog]

The woman in question was a band groupie from many years ago, so at this point, I don't think she would even be considered an acquaintance.

 

Well, the first post did say that her DH did know who the woman was. I doubt he'd remember her if he had only met her once. However, the post was unclear about how well he knew her.

[Catwoman]

Well, the first post did say that her DH did know who the woman was. I doubt he'd remember her if he had only met her once. However, the post was unclear about how well he knew her.

Yeah, but even if he knew her casually all those years ago, if they haven't stayed in touch, I would be more likely to describe her as a stranger than as an acquaintance. It would be different if they had dated or been friends. I may have been mistaken in my impression that Bean's dh knew who the woman was, but that's about as far as it went. I figured she was one of those groupie types who showed up at Bean's dh's band gigs, so he knew who she was -- let's face it, most small bands don't have a whole lot of groupie chicks following them around, so it would make sense that he would have known who all of them were.

 

Either way, I think if Bean is uncomfortable with the woman being FB friends with her dh, he should just unfriend the woman and be done with it.

[AlmiraGulch]

Well, the first post did say that her DH did know who the woman was. I doubt he'd remember her if he had only met her once. However, the post was unclear about how well he knew her.

I agree.  He knew her well enough to accept her friend request, which tells me he was interested in at least knowing what was going on with her life.

 

I have quite a bit of experience with this band groupie thing.  Some are completely innocent, and some not so much.  I'd say that her husband needs to figure out which one this is.  If he thinks it's more than that, he needs to get her off his FB if only to appease his wife. If he's not close to the woman, and it sounds as if they haven't spoken in 20 years, and if it's bugging his wife, he needs to do whatever he needs to do to make his wife comfortable, even if he thinks it's unreasonable or unwarranted.  Her needs should be more important than not offending some person he knew 20 years ago. 

 

That said.....if she trusts her husband, then I'm sure she has nothing to worry about at all, and it's probably better to just let it go than to make something out of nothing. 

[MistyMountain]

It wouldn't bother me unless I had a reason to think the women was really untrustworthy. There is only one women I wouldn't want dh to have lunch with because she did have a thing for getting other people's boyfriends to fall for her. As long as nothing was going on and he told me about it I wouldn't mind him going out to lunch with a an old friend that was nearby even or who frequented the lunch spot he took a child out to lunch with. I wouldn't even mind if he got together with his ex girlfriend with all the kids for lunch. His child was at lunch and she knows about the wife from facebook so I am guessing it wasn't romantic at all in the least.

[Penny_P]

your dh sounds naïve.  why did he accept her friend request?  (she apparently thinks that means he's interested.) 

does she know your dh is married? and that he is NOT interested?

 

eta: it's not the 'having lunch with someone of the opposite sex thing'.  it's the someone he hardly knew, and  hasn't seen hide nor hair of for twenty years coming across as though she is looking for something other than just a casual reconnection with her past.

:iagree:

[Joanne]

I would not be mad about the comment. I would be mad if he actually did it. I would also be mad if she were private messaging him to invite him to lunch. What she said seems pretty much like the standard 'we should get together sometime' thing that people say. Done so publicly, I would not assume the worst about her intentions.

 

 

This.

 

Adrian no longer lives with me (in part) for having talked to an old friend (from grammar school through High school) on Facebook, privately, and arranged and went on a lunch date. All without TELLING me first. His response when confronted was "you just don't want me to have a social life." Um, no, bud. I don't want you to DATE while you live with me!

 

Had he told me "Joanne, a woman I have known since grammar school lives in Katy. I'd like to have lunch with her." That would have been ok.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Every time one of these sorts of threads come up, I end up being a bit puzzled.  I know how to guard my heart.  If I felt like I was starting to drift toward deeper affection than is appropriate between just friends, I would cut it off.  My dh knows how to guard his heart.  We don't go out of our way to have friendships with members of the opposite sex but we do have some friends who are.  We click with them on a level that has nothing to do with their gender.  We don't go out of our way to get together with them one on one but there have been times when someone has been in town and one of hasn't been available.  That hasn't stopped the person who was free from getting together with them - usually with our kids in tow.  We meet in public places both for ease of meeting and so as to avoid uncomfortableness if for some reason it should arrive.  The only way a woman would seduce my dh against his will would be to physically r*pe him.  Ditto for me.  And of course at that point it wouldn't be seduction at all.  My point is simply that the key to our will belongs with dh and me and not with someone else no matter what they might want.  But neither dh or I like drama so if we had even the faintest whiff of someone wanting drama, we would be out of there so quick their head would be spinning.