Siblings "Parenting" Siblings

[wendyroo]

My MIL made a comment the other day that got me wondering...

 

I have newly turned 2 and 4 year old boys and another boy on the way next month. As I have gotten closer to my due date (and more tired, awkward, etc) I have found myself occasionally asking my 4 year old to help the two year do small tasks that previously I would have done. IMO nothing too big, just helping him put on his hat or take off his sandals or helping him connect a stubborn toy truck and trailer. I've kept track the last few days (since MIL said something) and I've been asking the preschooler to help 2 or 3 times a day.

 

Well, MIL saw me ask the 4 year old to help the 2 year old put on his bib and MIL launched into a tirade about how unfair it is to make older siblings parent youngers. That is why she only had two kids, she said, because that is how many one person can handle and it is completely unfair to make one child to do something like that for another.

 

I take everything MIL says with a grain of salt, and this seems a little over the top to me - I didn't ask the preschooler to discipline the toddler or buckle him in his car seat or anything, it was 10 seconds to put on a bib!! But, it did get me wondering.

 

If you ask your kids to help each other like this, what phrasing/tone/attitude do you use to encourage family team spirit and discourage superiority or resentment? Do you phrase it as the child is helping you by helping the other child? Or is it more an attitude of helping those less able is how the family works? I don't want the 4 year old to think he is in a position of authority over the 2 year old or resent the 2 year old as a burden.

 

Any advice or experience would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Wendy

[myfunnybunch]

My advice: Use your grains of salt liberally. Only you know your family dynamic and comfort level well enough to know if it's worth telling your MIL to mind her own business, or to say sweetly "Thank you for your input,' or to ignore her altogether. (This is both advice and experience talking.) My own philosophy: We are all a family, and we all help one another. Doing something to help a sibling is an act of kindness and caring. You're doing fine, hon.

[JustEm]

After having my third, who is almost 5 months, I've certainly started asking my ds (4.5) to help dd (3) with small things. Things like find her shoes, get her water,and help her find kung fu uniform. He is usually very happy to help and on the occasions that he is not I explain to him why I ask for help. I tell him that we are all a team and in order to get x,y, and z done every day sometimes we all need to help each other out. If after the explanation he still doesn't want to do it then I don't make him. I don't want him to ever get to the point where he hates being the oldest because he does everything. I also make it a point to ask my dd to help ds doing some tasks (not that he needs help but if she is able to do it then I'm teaching them both that EVERYONE helps out not just the oldest kids.)

 

I think your MIL is wrong and as long as you make sure you don't get into the habit of having him do everything for you then you'll be ok.

[swellmomma]

I expect my older kids to help out and look out for the younger kid. But they are not allowed to parent them, which my dd13 sometimes slips into. Helping each other, or an older watching a younger for a bit etc is building good relationships, but if the child is trying to discipline the sibling or interrupts you speaking to the sibling to reprimand him herself, well that is a bad thing (and not permitted here. I swear for a good year I had to say "I am his/her parent, you are not so stop telling them what to do" before it really sunk in. If all you are doing is promoting helpfulness like putting on a bib then your mil can suck it. That's not making them parent the little ones. You are doing just fine having the older help out the younger, that's what loving siblings do, they look out for each other and lend a helping hand.

[violamama]

I think it's wonderful to build relationships not only between you and your children, but between the kids themselves. It's FANTASTIC to show a child they have the ability to be helpful. You are doing just great!

 

How was your MIL's performance as a mom in terms of building a good relationship between her own kids? My own MIL sounds like she has a very mild case of whatever yours has- and her grown kids (my husband and his sister) have never had a strong bond because of it.

 

Anyway, carry on and let it roll right off you. Your instincts to let 4 yo help are spot on. As he gets older, he will want more!

[Anne in CA]

I would smile sweetly and tell MIL, "How lovely that you know best for everyone. I guess I will have to be wrong, because I don't see that having the child help me is 'parenting'. It is too bad for me to be wrong, but I just don't see your logic. How lucky that you only had two kids, since sharing all you wisdom with two spouses is certainly going to be exhausting enough." I had conversations like this my MIL, and she didn't like it but I stayed sweet as honey and we moved on, lol.

[bolt.]

I think that things like "always" having to stop one's own agenda to "help" a younger sibling can be unhealthy -- there are quite enough grown adults to testify to childhood resentments of this sort of thing. So, indeed it is clear that it can and does go too far in some families.

 

It's something to be aware of... but not something that it sounds like you are taking to far right now. (And even if you did happen to 'take it too far' during the short phase of late-pregnancy-through-new-newborn, a little season like that wouldn't create a long-term issue.) You are an intelligent person. You will be able to catch glimpses of any problem that might develop. For now, I suggest you put it out of your mind.

[Amber in SJ]

When we were out & about each older child had a younger child "buddy." That way I knew hands were being held and we could keep things together. My children also share rooms so when it comes time to find lost items those people who share that room need to go look for it. When I was on bedrest, I desperately needed all the help my 8 & 10 year old could give. The big kids got plenty of love, praise & cuddles for helping their younger sibs.

 

When others would get on me for asking my children to "parent" younger siblings I would give them the hairy eyeball and say,

"Why would I deny them the opportunity to learn patience or compassion?" or "Why would I deny them the opportunity to help others?" or "I am trying to raise someone who is loving and kind, and the best way to do that is to let him practice being loving and kind to his brother"

 

And then you pass the bean dip.

 

Amber in SJ

[KungFuPanda]

Your MIL is a loon with a clear agenda. I'd just smile and say "DH and I disagree." or "DH and I believe that family members should help each other."

 

Seriously, pick ONE line and use it every time she brings it up. Redirect her to her son if she would like to discuss it further. If YOU are not a first or second child you may want to remind her that her beloved grandchildren wouldn't exist if everyone stopped at two. (If you ARE a first or second child, just go back in your family tree to find a third-born or later. They have to be there. )

[merry gardens]

...If you ask your kids to help each other like this, what phrasing/tone/attitude do you use to encourage family team spirit and discourage superiority or resentment? Do you phrase it as the child is helping you by helping the other child? Or is it more an attitude of helping those less able is how the family works? I don't want the 4 year old to think he is in a position of authority over the 2 year old or resent the 2 year old as a burden.

 

Any advice or experience would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Wendy

 

You discourage resentment by encouraging love. We demonstrate love through actions, such as exactly the type of request you made of your four year old. :) We also use words to express love. Tell him thank you and express your gratitude for his helping you by helping his brother. Tell him you are proud of him, (because you should be!) Make sure your oldest still feels well-loved from both you, his parents, and his younger brothers. Encourage the younger ones to smile and say thank you and just in general to be kind their big brother. Expect the younger ones to take on chores as they are able and tell the oldest that it will happen in time as they get bigger. Reward the oldest with age-appropriate privileges, (i.e. later bedtime, bigger bike) that the younger children may also get eventually. Make sure they all see a link between privileges and responsibilities. As they get older, continue to say thank you and express to each of them how much you appreciate their help, while also making sure to mention the help that the others give you. Teach them to be loving and kind and well-mannered.

[gardenmom5]

give your mil a salt shaker.

 

kids *like* to help. It makes them feel good and that they are important. My kids would do things to help youngers on their own - I didn't have to ask. I also knew when there was a time crunch, I could ask and they would gladly help. especially at this age when helping makes them feel more grown-up.

[SKL]

She's crazy. It is a huge benefit to have the opportunity to help with younger siblings. In my opinion, as long as the parent takes responsibility for the "big stuff," it is perfectly fine, and people who are scared to ask their kids to help their siblings are not doing either of the two any favors. ... I can say this because from age 9 to 21, I spent hours every day helping care for my younger siblings. And I loved [almost] every minute of it. I count it as one of the greatest blessings of my life. Tell your MIL to pound salt.

[HS Mom in NC]

Putting on a bib and helping out with a task or two is a completely different thing than parenting a sibling. Apparently MIL is hyper vigilant in this department. There is a problem with some people allowing or encouraging their older children to parent the younger, but you're not asking a child to cook meals, enforce discipline, and do things that are developmentally and categorically parental responsibilities while a perfectly able parent sits idly by. As all of your children get older they can all be asked to help each other out in little things. They can all have chores and responsibilities that increase with age and ability.

 

MIL made her parenting choices with her children and now you're going to make your parenting choices with your children. Feel free to tell her so.

[zoobie]

Next time she asks you do something tell her you wouldn't want to put her in the unfair position of asking her DIL to parent her.

 

She's nuts. You'll be fine. The littles will be helping the bigs soon enough--fetching things for them and being their guinea pigs. Fastening bibs and such is not parenting. There's no conveyance of responsibility there.

[Unicorn.]

It is our job to teach our children to help others, and that includes siblings. Someday, I'm sure the younger one will help the older one with something. That isn't "parenting". Your mil is way over the top, and you should ignore her.

[Coco_Clark]

My kids are expected to help each other. My 5 yr old helps the 3 yr old tie his shoes, unbuckle his carseat, remember how to draw a forgotten letter,ect.. My 3 yr old helps the 5 yr old find things (he's the worst finder ever), clean up a mess he made, carry something heavy, ect. They both help the baby all. the. time. Families help one another! I can't even think of what phrasing I use because it never even entered my mind that I was "doing" something. They see how I help their dad, how their dad helps me, ect, and they've always been expected to help as well. Honestly, if you asked your MIL to snap the bib, would she consider it you asking her to do your parenting? Obviously the oldest kids end up doing the most, because they can do the most things, but its always been a matter of pride, not resentfulness in our house.

 

I came from a family of 5 children myself, my husband a family of 7, so maybe that explains it ;)

[wendyroo]

Thank you, Everyone.

 

I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing some big issue that would crop up later down the road.

 

I rarely respond to MIL's rants and I didn't say anything about this one either. I have been listening for 4 year to her lecture that breastfeeding after 2 weeks is pointless because baby has gotten all the benefits by that point. Especially horrifying because she was a labor and delivery nurse for several decades. Coincidentally, two weeks is how long she breastfed each of her kids before deciding that they weren't sleeping long enough stretches and switching them to formula.

 

I will continue to respectfully ignore her and promote age-appropriate helpfulness and cooperation among all the children. I'll even continue to allow them to help with chores - something she is vehemently opposed to because only lazy mothers force their children to help with chores and housekeeping. :confused1:

 

Thanks,

Wendy

[ErinE]

My response to MIL,"As a family, we help each other." I wouldn't say anything else. You won't change her mind from anything you say.

 

The two-child rant was rude. You have a third on the way; does she expect you to appreciate her views on additional children?

 

Wouldn't it be nice to have an IGNORE button in real life?

[ErinE]

I rarely respond to MIL's rants and I didn't say anything about this one either. I have been listening for 4 year to her lecture that breastfeeding after 2 weeks is pointless because baby has gotten all the benefits by that point. Especially horrifying because she was a labor and delivery nurse for several decades. Coincidentally, two weeks is how long she breastfed each of her kids before deciding that they weren't sleeping long enough stretches and switching them to formula.

 

I had a pediatrician tell me to start formula "in case anything should happen" to me. What!?!? We found a new pediatrician within a week.

[emcap]

I have five kids, I need help! I don't consider the nine year old buckling up a younger sib to be parenting, he's just helping me out. we are a family, we all help chip in with the work. I don't ask my kids to bath, feed, discipline, teach, soothe, etc. that would be parenting. Velcroing a bib is helping mom, just like putting a dirty dish on the counter.

 

Btw, I must be really lazy because I think the kids that eat, wear the clothes, play with the toys, live in the house and so forth should help clean them up and keep them nice.

 

You're fine and good luck with the rest of pregnancy and the new little one! Boys are great!

[happypamama]

Another vote for "you're just fine." I do think there is a line at which siblings are doing an inordinate amount of care for youngers, but I think that line is different for everyone (and I don't think you're anywhere near it). I think it's when you're still obviously parenting but asking the kids to help a bit that you're fine. For instance, if I ask one of my big kids to put the baby in his seat while I'm dishing up plates, or if I ask one of the big kids to set the table while I'm putting the baby in his seat, I think those things are fine (or when I'm loading the car and have the big kids get the little guys buckled, or I ask them to load the car while I'm zipping jackets and putting shoes on small boys) -- everyone pitches in and helps, and many hands make light work. And I think that's all good for kids to help, to care for younger children, to contribute to the running of the family. There *are* times when I am really tired and ask the big kids to do something specific with the littles, like watch them outside (actually, they usually do this voluntarily because they like taking the baby outside) or care for the baby while I take a nap, but I do try to limit those times (and often reward them with something special later), because I don't want them to resent the babies. It IS true that they didn't choose this lifestyle; I did, so I definitely make sure they don't feel forced too often. But really, it hasn't been a problem. They generally adore the littles and WANT to do stuff with/for them. (My 11yo loves the 22mo so much and wants to know why he can't just be HER baby when the new baby arrives, LOL.)

[Butter]

I'd ignore her.

 

FWIW, we have to stop my 11 and 13 year olds from trying to be the parents. Today as we were leaving the orthodontist I had a sleeping 4 year old in my arms and needed to gather our stuff and also make a payment and schedule appointments so I handed the (barely awake) 4 year old to his 11 year old brother at which point the 4 year old asked to be carried by his 13 year old sister instead. Neither Wil nor Melody had a problem with helping with Rory. They like helping and I think it's good for them and good training. Melody baby-sits for her younger brothers sometimes, too. We pay her, but not nearly as much as she'd earn baby-sitting kids in another family. Every time we get in the van Adric buckles Rory in. He is so proud of himself helping like that. It was actually his idea. I think it's actually quite normal for older kids to help out with younger kids in most families.

[MomatHWTK]

Based on what I've been told, your MIL's generation of parents (MIL's parents) may have taken the "help" of older kids a little too far. In our past generations I know siblings who by the age of 5 were being asked to cook for and care for younger children. Children as young as 12 were made get summer jobs, or help with work that the parents took on for pay, etc.

 

When our children began arriving, I took note of the resentment I'd seen expressed from folks my parents' age and, as others have mentioned, do ask for and allow age-appropriate helps but try not to ever make it the older child's "job." Meaning, I will ask for help and gratefully appreciate it and the kids do have assigned jobs, but I usually don't require child tending.

 

As the kids have gotten older and the baby isn't "new" I ask more of them and I sometimes need more due to our hectic life. But particularly when the baby first arrived, I made it clear that they were helping- not taking on "my" jobs. KWIM? I want the kids to be good at caretaking and care for one another, but not feel like they have been burdened.

[I.Dup.]

Wow, that's crazy. When I think of "parenting siblings" I think of a young child staying home with babies, having to miss school to keep them fed and watched over, while the parents are MIA. Or slaving to do all of the household work, cooking, and changing all of the diapers while the parents are MIA.

 

I am sensitive to this issue because we have 7 children and I've heard all of the negative comments about large families where the siblings get stuck "parenting" the youngers. My 11yo has never once changed a dirty diaper, although I will occasionally ask her to change a pee diaper. I was doing ALL of the household chores until a few months ago. So I err on the side of trying to do everything myself, and that's going to be changing. :)

 

Helping put on a bib? HA!! Hahahahahaahah.

[JennyD]

Not to excuse your MIL's intrusiveness, which was clearly inappropriate, but is it possible that she's carrying some scars from her own childhood? My mom is the second-youngest of five and my oldest aunt -- who is now 81 -- really was expected to carry a substantial portion of the parenting load, to an extent that just wouldn't be considered widely acceptable today. Could she may be speaking out of some old buried resentments of her own?

[wendyroo]

Not to excuse your MIL's intrusiveness, which was clearly inappropriate, but is it possible that she's carrying some scars from her own childhood? My mom is the second-youngest of five and my oldest aunt -- who is now 81 -- really was expected to carry a substantial portion of the parenting load, to an extent that just wouldn't be considered widely acceptable today. Could she may be speaking out of some old buried resentments of her own?

 

 

It's possible, but if so I expect it is exaggerated in her mind. She is the middle of three children, all pretty close in age. She grew up in a white collar family with a stay at home mom, a grandmother less than a block away and a weekly cleaning lady. She talks about playing with all the kids of the neighborhood outside most days and laments the lose of that type of neighborhood. She went to private schools and was heavily involved in sports...well, I don't know about when she was a young child, but by middle school she was on several teams.

 

If I had to guess, she views her childhood as ideal. Lots of play, no chores (her mom and the cleaning lady did it all), no helping with siblings (her mom had her mother and lots of other family nearby to pitch in as needed) and when she was older no jobs (her parents paid for her entire nursing degree).

 

She raised her kids in a very similar fashion, and while that was her prerogative, and I don't criticize it, my DH does not think it did he or his sister any favors. DH and I are pretty much on the same page with our parenting, and mostly ignore what MIL says, but I do try to listen with an open mind and, at least, briefly consider whether her criticisms have any merit.

 

Wendy

[AK_Mom4]

Wow! Your MIL would have been shocked around here. There is a 6 year age gap between youngest DD and her next older brother. Youngest DD has always known that she could get help and assistance from any of her siblings if mom or dad wasn't immediately available. It has fostered an affectionate relationship between the kids - the olders like being looked up to and appreciated for their efforts and the younger feels secure because there is always "someone" there for her.

 

Helping each other out is what families should do.

[beaners]

:001_rolleyes: I have parented a sibling. It looks nothing like fetching a wipe or tying shoes once or twice a day.

 

I just tell my children I need them to do something for me. I have a habit of saying "Could you..." which means I occasionally need to remind my children that it sounds like a question, but it really isn't. They'd balk just as often if I told them to go do it, so I'm not going to rephrase everything that comes out of my mouth. If there's only one child in the room, I'll tell them what needs to be done and ask what they'd prefer. If there's more than one child, I delegate so that they aren't arguing over whichever job sounds fun at the moment. I also always try to mention what I'll be doing while they help, so that it doesn't sound like I'm ordering them to work while I sit and eat bonbons.

 

"Child, could you please get the milk out of the fridge for your brother while I finish scrubbing these dishes?" "Other child, could you please put these shoes on the shoerack while I get out glasses for everyone?" "Child, we need to get the laundry out of the dryer, stack the library books, and wipe off the kitchen table. Which would you like to do?" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Sure, and I'll get the rest. Thank you."

[Stuart]

I have not read all the responses. I am speaking to no one directly just telling my experience.

This is a topic I am very sensitive to being the oldest of 5 six years apart.I did a lot of "small tasks"that I'm sure my mother thought wasn't much. While as an adult I understand why my mother did it, I still have strong feelings of being treated as a grown up when I was a child. I will go as far as to say I resent it. She chose to have kids that close and that many not me. While I may be sensitive, unless you have lived this way it is hard to understand.

Every child needs to help out in a family but

A lot of small tasks can add up. Be sure you keep the childhood in their childhood.

 

[texasmama]

Older sibs are not allowed to discipline younger sibs. Older sibs are expected to provide assistance at times to younger sibs. My oldest child taught the others how to tie their shoes. A little responsibility helps everyone and is the benefit of having several kids, IMO.

[swellmomma]

:001_rolleyes: I have parented a sibling. It looks nothing like fetching a wipe or tying shoes once or twice a day.

 

I just tell my children I need them to do something for me. I have a habit of saying "Could you..." which means I occasionally need to remind my children that it sounds like a question, but it really isn't. They'd balk just as often if I told them to go do it, so I'm not going to rephrase everything that comes out of my mouth. If there's only one child in the room, I'll tell them what needs to be done and ask what they'd prefer. If there's more than one child, I delegate so that they aren't arguing over whichever job sounds fun at the moment. I also always try to mention what I'll be doing while they help, so that it doesn't sound like I'm ordering them to work while I sit and eat bonbons.

 

"Child, could you please get the milk out of the fridge for your brother while I finish scrubbing these dishes?" "Other child, could you please put these shoes on the shoerack while I get out glasses for everyone?" "Child, we need to get the laundry out of the dryer, stack the library books, and wipe off the kitchen table. Which would you like to do?" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Sure, and I'll get the rest. Thank you."

 

 

I do that too, especially the "could you" that really means do it now lol

 

I count on my kids to help each other out, I am greatly outnumbered. ds14 doesn't do too much to help his siblings, although he is 14 he is actually quite young. dd13 is my main helper. She watches the youngers when I need to, helps supervise baths or kids outside, helps prepare meals when asked, read to dd5 while I work with one of the boys etc. Ds9 is great with dd5, he thinks it is his job to teach her so they play school everyday because I was scolding him for it so much. He loves to make her breakfast or lunch and he is primarily the one that watches her outside and just this spring I started allowing him to take her to the park up the street. He is also the one that buckles her in the back seat(and dd13 double checks the strap is in the red loop and is snug across her hips)

 

On the whole I do all the cleaning, most of the meal prep (I will not cook certain foods so they do those, and if they want eggs for breakfast instead of toast that is up to them to prepare, and they generally cook enough for everyone), or I ask one of them to heat up a can of soup for dd5 while I am busy with something else. Certainly more than many people have their kids do, yet a fraction of what I did even younger than them.

 

If I felt they were unwilling or incapable of helping with the youngers I would not ask them to beyond perhaps tieing a bib, but the enjoy it even if they slightly protest at first. All of that helping me out has helped dd13 become quite a responsible girl with near daily babysitting gigs and a p/t nanny job. I doubt should would be able to do that if she hadn't been asked to help since ds9 was born when she was only 4 and was asked to grab a diaper or a soother or to sing to him while I attended to something else (usually I was dealing with ds14-who was 5 at the time).

 

It is still nothing like parenting a sibling. It's being part of the family unit and if people (including children) aren't pitching in, the family unit dissolves into chaos, after all I am only 1 person, and while my kids may think I have a super hero cape, I don't.

[Tita Gidge]

I come from a large family. My twin and I are the oldest two of the middle six. We six came in the quickest sucession, so we've always felt ourselves a separate group. The olders were almost a different family, as were the youngers, simply due to the spacing between them and us. I have children the same age as my youngest siblings, and I have aunts the same age as my older siblings. There's just a lot of overlap, and perhaps that's why ... but I've never had a problem with being called to parent my siblings. Nor have I had any issues being parented by my siblings. It wasn't presented as us helping to parent, it was (still is) an expectation that we all are called to look after one another. Full stop.

 

If my sister needed a diaper changed, I changed it. I didn't wait to be asked, nor did I take her to my mother. We spent a lot of time in the trees as kids, but we weren't allowed on the roof. If my brother cimbed onto the roof, I parented him down off from it. Since I was older, and it's our culture to obey an elder, he did. It didn't matter that I'm only 15 months older, and frankly it mightn't have mattered were I younger - my responsibliity to my family is to look out for them, in any capacity.

 

I have a large family of my own. My kids parent each other, and none have expressed an issue with it - even the older ones. And they're not typically shy about expressing issues they have with how I do things IYKWIM LOL. Maybe the difference is that because I have so many and because we ARE so many we're all used to being parented by an older relative (be it sibling or cousin, or younger aunt). So when it's our turn to parent, we're not on a power-high. That coupled with our general family philosophy to look out for one another, and our tendency to assume the best of intentions about each other ... I guess it works for us.

 

I'm glad it does. It's pretty common to my culture, and where I grew up. It's quite obviously NOT common where I currently live. I must live near most of the other posters to this thread LOL.

[ondreeuh]

My family tries to help each other. My 11 year old does a LOT to help his brother since they are together most of the time. I never considered that "parenting." Older siblings SHOULD help younger ones - and the younger ones should help the older ones as they are able. My dd is currently mowing the lawn (helping the family), my 5 year old is reading aloud to my 11 year old (who is helping him decode), and I'm about to send the 11 year old to help the teen dump the lawn clippings while the 5 year old moves sticks off the lawn. Not allowing kids to help each other is a great way to make sure they are self-absorbed, entitled kids, IMO.

[StartingOver]

My children help each other all the time, that's what families do.

[Crimson Wife]

Your MIL sounds like a whackadoodle. I am 4 and 8 years older than my two younger brothers and I am glad that my mom started making me help her out with them. I was able to get the experience and maturity needed to be hired for paid babysitting and nannying jobs when I was a teen.

 

Now when it crosses over from helping out mom to Dugger-style raising of younger siblings, that is where I object. But that mostly happens in unusually large families, or ones where the parent has some sort of mental illness or substance abuse problem.

[Dory]

I encourage my kids not to just help their own siblings, but to help anyone around them that needs it. What better place is there teach that serving approach to life, than at home. There is a big, big difference between parenting and helping. With my youngest, I purposely spend a lot of time around families that have kids smaller than him so that he is getting more opportunities to learn to help those that need it.

 

It's also a huge confidence booster to feel like they have something worth while to offer the people around them. I think your MIL perhaps was stuck in an unhealthy situation at some point where perhaps she was asked for more responsibility than she was old enough to properly handle.

[I.Dup.]

I come from a large family. My twin and I are the oldest two of the middle six. We six came in the quickest sucession, so we've always felt ourselves a separate group. The olders were almost a different family, as were the youngers, simply due to the spacing between them and us. I have children the same age as my youngest siblings, and I have aunts the same age as my older siblings. There's just a lot of overlap, and perhaps that's why ... but I've never had a problem with being called to parent my siblings. Nor have I had any issues being parented by my siblings. It wasn't presented as us helping to parent, it was (still is) an expectation that we all are called to look after one another. Full stop.

 

If my sister needed a diaper changed, I changed it. I didn't wait to be asked, nor did I take her to my mother. We spent a lot of time in the trees as kids, but we weren't allowed on the roof. If my brother cimbed onto the roof, I parented him down off from it. Since I was older, and it's our culture to obey an elder, he did. It didn't matter that I'm only 15 months older, and frankly it mightn't have mattered were I younger - my responsibliity to my family is to look out for them, in any capacity.

 

I have a large family of my own. My kids parent each other, and none have expressed an issue with it - even the older ones. And they're not typically shy about expressing issues they have with how I do things IYKWIM LOL. Maybe the difference is that because I have so many and because we ARE so many we're all used to being parented by an older relative (be it sibling or cousin, or younger aunt). So when it's our turn to parent, we're not on a power-high. That coupled with our general family philosophy to look out for one another, and our tendency to assume the best of intentions about each other ... I guess it works for us.

 

I'm glad it does. It's pretty common to my culture, and where I grew up. It's quite obviously NOT common where I currently live. I must live near most of the other posters to this thread LOL.

 

 

I love it! I agree, it is largely a cultural thing.

[AndyJoy]

I ask my older son to help the younger one all the time. I only have 2 (and that is all I'm having). I wouldn't call helping someone with their shoes "parenting". It's just helping someone out with their shoes. Geesh.

 

 

Yeah, by that definition of "parenting", my 3-year-old "parents" me all the time. He loves to fetch my shoes, pick up small items I've dropped, open doors, throw away my trash, get my water bottle for me, etc. This is especially helpful now that I'm 7 mo. pregnant and sore! He loves to help little kids and babies in general. Whenever we have his 2-year-old friend over he insists on putting on his shoes for him. I'm not taking advantage of his helpfulness--I'm nurturing it! He's very excited about all the things he thinks he is going to get to do for the new baby.

 

I was 22 mo. when my sister was born, and my mom tells me I loved to fetch clean diapers and other items for her from the very beginning. We had a close relationship and I never resented doing things for her--it's not like that phase lasts long!

[Joyofsixreboot]

I think sibs helping sibs is healthy, normal and probably has always existed. It builds bonds and skills. I'm not talking abdicating responsibility but making a sandwich or tying shoes or helping give baths isn't going to scar a kid for life. I think kids need more real responsibility not less.

[LibraryLover]

Maybe she has watched one too many episodes of 19 and Counting? ;)

[LucyStoner]

Never being prompted/asked to lend a hand to help siblings/parents/friends just seems like a rocking way to raise a selfish, unhelpful person.

[Mommy22alyns]

MIL is way overreacting. Usually my two are a pair, but there are times where Rebecca does things for Sylvia. She's perfectly happy to - I get the feeling she'd love a couple more younger siblings, but that's not happening. Putting on a bib or making a sandwich =/= parenting a sibling.

[ElizabethB]

Another thing the hive agrees on!

[TravelingChris]

AS they got older, they all helped each other too. Like when the oldest would have lost his ______ (whatever it was on a particular day), the younger two would help him look for it. My youngest is the best repair person in the house and she helps everyone. It is what a family does and you are doing fine.

[diplomum]

I always said Number 6 was the easiest because there were at least four other sibs who were actual, real, responsible help. I had to fight to hold that baby! The fact that my kids help each other and me out so much is one of the things that I am most proud of in my parenting, if I'm honest, and one of the things I get so many positive comments on. Having said that we really try and allow them plenty of time for schoolwork and/or homework, lots of downtime, and we don't cramp their style whenever possible. If ds15 has a party or is invited to a sleepover on the same night we want to go out, for example, we wouldn't make him stay home to babysit but rather we'd make other arrangements. When they have friends over we don't force younger siblings on them no matter how much they whine to join in! It's all about respect for them as children and individuals while instilling in them a respect for the needs of the family and a respect for each other and their parents. Helping one another is expected and normal, and everyone sees it is more efficient if we all help load the car and the little one rather than let me do it all. Most of the time it's just common sense.

 

As far as MIL's comments go, ignoring is probably best. I am very non-combative so I would probably say something like "You're right, it's good to remember to keep a balance there. I've heard stories of kids resenting the things they had to do in childhood, so we'll keep that in mind and try and stay on the side of just being helpful to Mommy and each other."

[plansrme]

Well, if she disapproves of your having an unseemly number of children, it would just be wrong--wrong, I tell you--to thoughtfully ponder her advice and respond, "Well, you may have a point. We will sure think about that for the next set."