shinyhappypeople Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Mom, niece and I were sitting around chatting. Niece is getting ready to graduate from college (yay!). Mom says to her (while looking straight at me): "And maybe then you'll stay at home with your kids and waste your degree." I didn't say anything. Some comments don't deserve a response, but.... OUCH. :( I think mom sees very little value in what I do and it hurts. No, I don't need a degree to educate my kids, but her attitude implies that staying home and home schooling my kids requires no thought, skill, passion or imagination. It implies that any warm body could do what I do. No brain required. Ouch (again). I also really, really dislike the message she's sending to Niece: "Working outside the home is inherently more valuable than being a SAHM." :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 :grouphug: Sometimes, people just say really dumb things. It is sad that many people don't value raising and educating kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 What you do now will have much longer lasting effects than you will ever know. ((hugs)) Some people just don't see the value in our "career choice." While my MIL would never say anything (because she learned early on that she will lose this argument and cause a rift) she totally thinks we should put our kids in school and has thought so for the past 15 years. Sorry her words were hurtful and thoughtless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Are you kidding me?! I have 2 degrees and I don't feel either are being wasted by homeschooling. Do you see her often and is this her pervailing attitude? I might say something if it were. And it's not exactly a nice thing to say to your niece either! She's a young woman - who knows what her future will bring! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Just reply, if she says it again, "because caring for and educating your grandkids is a waste of time, I guess" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: Just remember that your kids are probably going to have the opposite opinion because they're the ones who see you every day and they are the ones who are benefiting from it. I can't imagine a kid (or even a grown up offspring) say to their parent "you should have used your degree and worked outside our home instead of teaching us at home." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinyhappypeople Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 Thanks :) I just realized that I should have put this on the Chat Board (sorry mods), but I guess it sort of relates to home schooling indirectly, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hen Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I'm so sorry. That was rotten of your mom. I kind of wonder what my kids think and what they will choose. I kind of feel (whispering here..that if none of my kids homeschool their kids, that it will be a reflection of them not valuing what I did for them) Anyways, dh had an interesting discussion with son, age 13 -who is a bit of a challenge lately with attitude. Son wanted dad to take the family to dinner. Dad said we don't have the money for dinner and pointed out how much it would cost for all 6 of us to go to a sit down dinner plus drinks. He went on to point out that is why we don't go to dinner, but that we do sometimes go out to lunch at a burger joint and that we do some fun stuff like lunch and Barnes & Nobles (every week). Dh pointed out that families that go out to dinner often usually have both parents working and that we decided we wanted mom home. Son started to say something about mom could go to work, and then he stopped himself and said 'no, that wouldn't be good, we like her home and we like our life" ...it was good for me to hear that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Wow. How cruel! I have an advanced degree and it has really helped me with regards to working with my son who has autism. Education is never a waste and how you choose to raise your children is your business. I would suggest you either talk with your mom and be up front with how her comment hurt you or be ready with a response for the next time she makes a comment - because it probably will happen again unless you nip it in the bud. Why has our society moved from one that once revered motherhood/homemaking to one that thinks being at home with children is a waste? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 That type of response devalues children, IMO. I did have a family member that hoped one day I would go back to school and do even more career-wise. But I think that was because he just thought there was this great potential there that I could use and make $$$. For the Depression generation, having a job was essential and at least in my family the kids all had jobs too. So caring for a child wasn't seen as useful so much as necessary and to be done as efficiently as possible. Looking back through history, when great men/women are identified one can often also identify the person or persons who influenced that individual to achieve greatness. Even if my kids don't achieve greatness, I want to be one of their influencers. I'm only wasting my time if one values earning ability only. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 That's when you pop off with, "Riiiight, because it's better to waste our children by having them only be raised and educated by the least educated and cheapest paid in society." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Mom, niece and I were sitting around chatting. Niece is getting ready to graduate from college (yay!). Mom says to her (while looking straight at me): "And maybe then you'll stay at home with your kids and waste your degree." I didn't say anything. Some comments don't deserve a response, but.... OUCH. :( I think mom sees very little value in what I do and it hurts. No, I don't need a degree to educate my kids, but her attitude implies that staying home and home schooling my kids requires no thought, skill, passion or imagination. It implies that any warm body could do what I do. No brain required. Ouch (again). I also really, really dislike the message she's sending to Niece: "Working outside the home is inherently more valuable than being a SAHM." :( Oh, I would have commented right on the spot. I like what you said, "Home schooling my kids actually requires a lot of thought, skill, passion and imagination. It's really easy to ship them off to someone who cares less and for whom they simply represent a paycheck, but this isn't our choice and I'm proud of it." Or something like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Ouch. I'm so sorry your mother said that to you. I hold to the theory that nasty comments like that say more about the speaker than anything else. People who are secure and confident in their own life choices generally don't lash out at others about theirs. Is it possible that your mother feels badly about something she herself did or didn't do? Does she perhaps take your choices as an indictment of hers? Good on you for rising above and not getting into a fight, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: FWIW, and to look at it from a little different perspective, *I* would probably feel like I was wasting...not so much the degree, but possibly the $$$ that went in to getting it, if I wasn't making that money back. KWIM? Not so much in a "I MUST get a job" sort of way, but more in a retrospective "Was it worth it? What else could I have done with that money?", kind of way. I would most likely feel guilty about it too, if my parents paid for any of it. JMO. I'm not trying to "stick up for your mom",or tell you you should feel guilty if your parents contributed at all, so please don't take it that way. This is just how *I* might feel, if I were in your shoes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 My mom said something like that to me, though in a much kinder way. I told her that I was using my degree (teaching) to work with my own children. Plus, I got married and had kids later than many so I used it prior to having children. I'm sorry she said that. I don't see any way to spin that to anything other than cruel and mean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Our society is just so confused and messed up. We don't know what we want as priorities, and think we should be able to have it all, but we can't. People who are not prioritizing and being real, are the ones most likely to shame those that are. Everything people say is almost entirely about THEMSELVES and not TO person they are talking to. What do you think her comments say about HER? Draw an imaginary bubble around you and another one around her. Let her comments stay in her bubble where they belong. Picture them floating around her head, trapped in her bubble. If you feel like venting, now tell is what you think her comments say about HER, if that will make you feel better. In my trauma recovery, I'm told the best revenge is a life well lived. Live your life WELL, by YOUR standards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Yuck. My response: "Only the best for my kids!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 :grouphug: I would not respond with any sarcasm or jokes. However, I do think a line needs to be drawn. Can you tell your mother how very, very disrespectful her statement was, and how absolutely inappropriate it is for her to criticize in front of others? It's really a matter of common courtesy, and being family does NOT mean that courtesy is suspended. If she has nothing nice to say, then she should say nothing at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 So sorry OP, that's just nasty. I have a mother that likes to be nasty too, especially about staying home. Less than 2 weeks after my last miscarriage (she knew about it) she told me I needed to 'Stop having babies', the implication being that I was wasting my life caring for and teaching them at home... ouch indeed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I'm sorry. That was a nasty thing to say—and even worse coming from your own mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 :grouphug: Sometimes people say things that just plain hurt. One thing I wouldn't do, though, is talk down PS teachers. Having been one, I can tell you they already get more than their share of people assuming that they turned in their brain on the day they got their diploma-and if anyone should understand how hard a job teaching is, it's a homeschooler. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 :grouphug: Ouch! That is awful. :cursing: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy in TN Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I love my mom. I love my mom. I love my mom. Your post makes me want to shout it from the rooftops. However, your mom is certainly not alone in not valuing a life choice that doesn't generate an income. Although that is actually pretty common, I am sorry she said that to you. :( Mandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyrobynne Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 That stinks :( I spent most of my 20s worried that I was disappointing my parents by "only" getting a bachelor's degree, marrying before 25, and having 2 kids before I was 30. I still care what they think, but I'm not as focused on it. Then my only sister, age 30, got pregnant with her first and said that she plans to return to her 40 hrs a week + 12 hrs commuting job after 3 months and I realized I'm totally freaked out that she'll manage to be that woman who has everything balanced and wonderful and a child who always sleeps and never cries, etc etc. Anyway, I understand that sting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I unfortunately probably would have thrown it back on her...Yes, Mom, my kids deserve the best of me. You of all people should understand the importance of the relationship between a mother and her children. :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I am so sorry. What a horrible thing to say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Not so much in a "I MUST get a job" sort of way, but more in a retrospective "Was it worth it? What else could I have done with that money?", kind of way. I would most likely feel guilty about it too, if my parents paid for any of it. My parents paid for my education all the way to masters. It was my safety net in case my hubby can't work. My dad family was very poor once when he was a child and he is very worried about money all the time. He thinks I should work so that we have more emergency cash. It gets me annoyed and upset but when I am calm, I understand why he feels so apprehensive about money. My in-laws think staying at home is a luxury but they have been less vocal about it. ETA: I think it is out of place to make that comment to your niece, kind of like a kill joy comment of her college graduation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 My aunt was so wonderful and encouraging to me about my choice to home educate. When I saw her a couple of years ago she told me what one of the nuns from her Catholic school used to always say: "Educate a boy and you educate an individual. Educate a girl and you educate a family." These words had stuck with her for over 50 years. Your mom went way over the line with her comment. Don't let it get to you though. Just remember that your education is educating a whole family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Yeah, there's no way to spin that nicely. That was just rude and disrespectful. I'm sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alisoncooks Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 However, your mom is certainly not alone in not valuing a life choice that doesn't generate an income. Although that is actually pretty common, I am sorry she said that to you. :( Mandy :iagree: And :grouphug: to the OP. My dad (and granddad) fairly frequently ask me when I'm going "back to work." Just yesterday, my dad asked if I'd thought of going back to get my masters. (In my head, I'm thinking....why?! Why pay $$ we don't have to advance a degree I have *no* intention to use.) Anyway, I'm pretty sure my dad's concern is financially-based. We're scraping by and I'm sure he sees more value in the other route. I don't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraciebytheBay Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 My jaw would have hit the floor. :blink: I am speechless... So sorry this happened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljenn Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 Wow, I am so sorry. People can be so hurtful. My DH and kids have seen the impact that a full-time working mom has on kids with both of DH's sisters' kids. They all can see how nice it is to have me home taking care of things and driving them here and there and now homeschooling too. It is so sad for the kids that don't have that, for whatever reason, and it is it quite evident in watching their bonding and relationships that they are not the same as mine with my kids. I've made it a point to encourage dd to find a career where her education will serve her in a part time career, or one where she can do piecework, in case her DH doesn't bring home quite enough bacon. And we've trained DS not to expect his wife to work. His bio mom works (I am step) and I am the one that has always done everything for him. Somebody's got to be running the show! Geez!! The goal for all of us is to have the old-school wives stay home (home educate, volunteer at a private school, whatever) and raise the kids they have instead of giving them to someone else to raise all day. Grammy and Papa will be there when they need us, but as DH has already told them, "we are not going to raise your kids for you. We've already done that- we are going to travel and spend your inheritance". Haha! Love that man! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 Sounds like something my mom would say. Except I never finished school so it is actually my intellect that I'm wasting by not being out and working a full time job. it was great when I was making headway in duel male dominated fields - LEO and firefighter. But now that i've been home for 14 years I'm wasting away, not taking advantage of all the opportunities she and her sisters in feminism made available for women in this country, etc. I need to be on the front lines so dd has the same opportunities. Sorry. i shouldn't have rambled on. It struck a nerve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemongoose Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 :grouphug: I'm sorry, it hurts. My mom said the same thing to me, with the added bonus of saying she shouldnt of funded it (she forgets that I actually paid for 95% of it myself in loans after the fact). I know it sucks...some more :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 Sounds like something my mom would say. Except I never finished school so it is actually my intellect that I'm wasting by not being out and working a full time job. it was great when I was making headway in duel male dominated fields - LEO and firefighter. But now that i've been home for 14 years I'm wasting away, not taking advantage of all the opportunities she and her sisters in feminism made available for women in this country, etc. I need to be on the front lines so dd has the same opportunities. Sorry. i shouldn't have rambled on. It struck a nerve. I agree with the nerve striking. I've had my mom and sister loudly complain about women who never contributed to SS sucking funds from the system via survivors' benefits. They were talking about a relative of ours, but it was made pretty clear they thought that my time in the workforce was insufficient and that I would be in the benefit sucking camp. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJ. Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I'm sorry your mom said that, especially in front of your niece. I view my role as mother my most important and I feel homeschooling my boys is one of the most important things I do right now. Ten years ago I would have never imagined I would feel this way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 Why pay $$ we don't have to advance a degree I have *no* intention to use. Ny hubby's income as a self-employed was not enough to support himself before we marry. He applied for a PhD scholarship (he did not have masters) so as to get a steady income to support our family. His hours were very flexible during that time and the stipend was good. Just something to consider that advancing a degree might bring in money instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 Wow, I wholeheartedly and completely disagree with what she said. I honestly believe just the opposite. Staying home with your kids is the most important thing a mom can do. They are shaping the futures of the next generation! If more moms stayed home with their kids, I believe that children these days wouldn't be so out of control. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nukeswife Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 That's one of those "Did you really just say that out loud?" moments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 *looks straight back at Mom* "Yea, I am at home to teach them boundaries, relationship skills, tact, and kindness. Apparently those characteristics are not in my genes." {{hugs}} Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 so, did your mom raise her children or farm them out? did she get a degree and stay home, or just wish she went to college so she could "have a career"? sounds like some sour grapes on her part and dissatisfaction with her life. I've drilled into both of my girls that even if they never work a day in their lives, but stay home with their children, their education is worth every penny. (they're better prepared for teaching/rearing *my* grandchildren. ;p) they are both going/in fields they can support a family on one paycheck should they ever have the need. I also tell 1dd she has a fabulous background - ba classics - for homeschooling her children when the time comes. (she's a computer nerd.) 2dd chose a field she can have a very flexible schedule and work only part-time or less just to keep her hand in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinyhappypeople Posted December 12, 2012 Author Share Posted December 12, 2012 so, did your mom raise her children or farm them out? did she get a degree and stay home, or just wish she went to college so she could "have a career"? sounds like some sour grapes on her part and dissatisfaction with her life. I've drilled into both of my girls that even if they never work a day in their lives, but stay home with their children, their education is worth every penny. (they're better prepared for teaching/rearing *my* grandchildren. ;p) they are both going/in fields they can support a family on one paycheck should they ever have the need. I also tell 1dd she has a fabulous background - ba classics - for homeschooling her children when the time comes. (she's a computer nerd.) 2dd chose a field she can have a very flexible schedule and work only part-time or less just to keep her hand in. First, some of my mom's strengths: (1) she is intelligent, (2) she is STRONG. This is a woman who has been through the fire and lived to tell. (3) She's an *amazing* artist. (4) She's a devoted grandmother. (5) she's hospitable to those in need (the lonely, people without families) She had to work outside the home while we were growing up, because my dad was a deadbeat. She didn't make much, but managed to support us. (I am in awe of her perseverance. She got up every day and, no matter how hard it was or how depressed she was, she refused to cry uncle, kwim?) She would have rather stayed home. But, the thing is that she feels the need to put me in my place when I express pride in any of my accomplishments. Her comment in the OP came shortly after me saying something positive about my college experience. Another example: I was *determined* to avoid an epidural or other pain meds when I had younger DD. (I don't care about other moms' choices, this was just a personal goal of mine.) So, a few days after childbirth, I told her how excited I was that I'd achieved the goal of a non-medicated birth. I made no mention of anyone else. I put down no one. Her immediate response: "Well, not all women are able to do that" and I shouldn't think I was better than them. WTH??? I don't care what other women do! I was just being happy for me! Same with breastfeeding. Same with home schooling. Don't feel proud of your accomplishments, don't act above your raising. Sigh. I have more or less trained myself to keep my "yay me" moments to myself when I'm around her, but I slipped up this time. Gotta tuck the kids into bed and tell them that they are AWESOME. Thanks for listening... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Esperella Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I'm so sorry :( That is a very hurtful thing to say :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 She had to work outside the home while we were growing up, because my dad was a deadbeat. She didn't make much, but managed to support us. could it be her fear of you someday ending up in that position that is the basis for her comment? (in this economy, it's a real risk.) Or could she stll have anger and resentment she had to work and wasn't able to be a full-time mom? But, the thing is that she feels the need to put me in my place when I express pride in any of my accomplishments. Her comment in the OP came shortly after me saying something positive about my college experience. Another example: I was *determined* to avoid an epidural or other pain meds when I had younger DD. (I don't care about other moms' choices, this was just a personal goal of mine.) So, a few days after childbirth, I told her how excited I was that I'd achieved the goal of a non-medicated birth. I made no mention of anyone else. I put down no one. Her immediate response: "Well, not all women are able to do that" and I shouldn't think I was better than them. WTH??? I don't care what other women do! I was just being happy for me! Same with breastfeeding. Same with home schooling. Don't feel proud of your accomplishments, don't act above your raising. It does sound as though she feels insecure in herself - and her comments could also be taken as defensive. How often do you tell her how much you appreciate the things she does? and how hard it must have been for her to have to work to support her family and not be able to care for her children? It might be worth the effort of letting her know - in very blunt terms - how much you appreciate the woman she is and how she handled the hand she was dealt. we can feel appreciationg, but that doesn't mean the other person "hears" it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I am so sorry, how incredibly insensitive and mean, and from your MOM? :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susann Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 I just saw your post and had to respond. That is exactly the attitude my father and stepmother have/had. According to my father, I was "too smart to stay home with my kids" and at the same time "too stupid to home school them"! We're estranged now but I wonder what they'd think of the awesome dds DH & I have raised. It's hard when you don't have the family support. Through the years I just kept reminding myself what kind of family I wanted and did it for us. But, I understand how much it hurts not to have the support!! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 She had to work outside the home while we were growing up, because my dad was a deadbeat. She didn't make much, but managed to support us. (I am in awe of her perseverance. She got up every day and, no matter how hard it was or how depressed she was, she refused to cry uncle, kwim?) She would have rather stayed home... It sounds like she's jealous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinyhappypeople Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 It does sound as though she feels insecure in herself - and her comments could also be taken as defensive. How often do you tell her how much you appreciate the things she does? and how hard it must have been for her to have to work to support her family and not be able to care for her children? It might be worth the effort of letting her know - in very blunt terms - how much you appreciate the woman she is and how she handled the hand she was dealt. we can feel appreciationg, but that doesn't mean the other person "hears" it. This is very good advice. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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