If your baby cries at dinner time......

[kesmom]

(disclaimer - I realize that people make a variety of parenting choices. This is slightly different than "cry it out" for bedtime which is why I am curious to see how common it is)

 

Do you pick up the baby? Attempt to busy/distract baby, but still pick her up if that fails? Move her to another room and leave her alone?

 

Our niece just turned 10 months. At every family dinner since she has been old enough to grab at plates, the following takes place. Her parents start her on a blanket/swing/whatever nearby and when she starts crying they take her across the house to a pack and play in a bedroom, shut the door (baby crying) and come back and finish eating their meal. It's typically right after she has taken a nap. She isn't eating finger foods yet, which is I'm guessing why they don't put her in the high chair.

 

Am I alone in thinking that this is extreme? Admittedly, Dh and I lean in the AP direction of parenting. But taking turns holding a fussing baby while the other eats is what I have seen with pretty much all parents if other distractions do not work. She's not a tantruming toddler nor is it bedtime/naptime. I'm obviously not a mind reader, but it certainly doesn't seem to be the "I'm at the end of my rope and afraid I will lose it" type of situation. It is done very matter of factly and every single time.

 

I offer to help when I can, though I am often busy with my own little ones. Plus it seems like a fine line between helping and interferring, especially when the baby has already been put in the bedroom. When I grew up going to family gatherings, there was practically a line formed of people waiting to love on babies and this is just very very different.

[kesmom]

This is leisurely eating (20 minutes at least) and a non-colicy baby.

[KidsHappen]

I don't think I ate a warm meal for 32 years. All of my babies always wanted to eat at dinner time.

[Soror]

Babies sit in my lap until they are old enough to sit and eat on their own, slowly transitioning to eating full time on their own. Smaller babies 9 mo and under especially often nurse while I eat. If a baby 6 mo or older grabs food I generally start directing to things for them, ie smaller easier to chew bites which I put directly on the table and put my plate a bit further back. I don't do baby food though and that is how they transition to regular eating at my house. A baby that age can eat finger foods, well unless something is wrong. You can start them with soft items, there are lots of choices. We never even do pureed foods.

[KnitWit]

At 10 months my kids were usually in a high chair at the table with the rest of us, laughing at their siblings as they mash peas into the tray.

[KnitWit]

I don't think I ate a warm meal for 32 years. All of my babies always wanted to eat at dinner time.

 

For real!

[Karen in CO]

My babies sat on someone's lap at meals until they were old enough for a highchair (except youngest who never had a highchair) . Once they started on soft food, I'd put something on their tray or in front of them while we were at the table. Meals for us are part of that grand welcome into human society in which everyone is welcome and learns rules of proper behavior by watching. Having said, I don't judge other parents much. Twenty minutes isn't along time, but I wonder how the child will learn the rules of proper table behavior if never allowed to join.

[Wendi]

Hmm. I'm not familiar with this approach. When ds was a little baby, we'd put him in his swing near the table, so he could see us and interact with us, but the movement of the swing helped him stay calm and content. When he could sit in the high chair, though, we'd put him in it and feed him his dinner while we ate ours. So I'm unfamiliar with the idea of feeding baby at a separate time and expecting him/her to let mom and dad eat without him/her. Even if your family member feeds the baby first, why not let the child sit in the high chair and work on picking up cheerios or something?

 

Wendi

[ktgrok]

weird. I get letting baby fuss in the highchair a bit, but shutting her in the other room like a barking dog? Why on earth isn't the 10 month old in a high chair at the table with everyone else? A sippy cup and some toys at least, although not offering food seems odd too.

[EmmaNZ]

It certainly doesn't sound like something I would do, not least because I can't enjoy my food knowing there is a crying baby waiting. I would personally rather sort out the baby and then eat in peace, even if that means eating in shifts with dh.

[frugalmama]

Babies sit in my lap until they are old enough to sit and eat on their own, slowly transitioning to eating full time on their own. Smaller babies 9 mo and under especially often nurse while I eat. If a baby 6 mo or older grabs food I generally start directing to things for them, ie smaller easier to chew bites which I put directly on the table and put my plate a bit further back. I don't do baby food though and that is how they transition to regular eating at my house. A baby that age can eat finger foods, well unless something is wrong. You can start them with soft items, there are lots of choices. We never even do pureed foods.

 

This. I mastered the art of nursing while eating with one hand when dd was little :D She didn't have more than tastes of solid foods until she was nearly 2 because of food allergies and her refusing them.

[nukeswife]

weird. I get letting baby fuss in the highchair a bit, but shutting her in the other room like a barking dog? Why on earth isn't the 10 month old in a high chair at the table with everyone else? A sippy cup and some toys at least, although not offering food seems odd too.

 

:iagree:

[nova147]

I'm not one to shut children out of normal activities just because they don't act like adults. I figure those are the times I have to parent the most . . . so that they learn what behavior is expected of them.

 

My infants almost always nursed during meals until they were 6 months old, or so, when they could sit in a high chair. They didn't always eat while we ate. Sometimes I gave them toys to play with. But my goal was that they learn that we sit at the table at meal time. As they get older, we work on sitting quietly, though I don't like crying and will generally do something to make the baby happy. But I don't recall ever putting a child in another room during a meal with other adults. Perhaps occasionally when I really needed to eat and the baby had been fussy all day. But if there is another adult, we take turns holding/entertaining the baby.

 

It sounds like a Babywise kind of thing, though my SIL did Babywise and I don't recall her every doing that. But I could be wrong, having never read it.

[melissad2]

At 10 months my kids were usually in a high chair at the table with the rest of us, laughing at their siblings as they mash peas into the tray.

 

:iagree:

[fairfarmhand]

 

Am I alone in thinking that this is extreme? Admittedly, Dh and I lean in the AP direction of parenting. But taking turns holding a fussing baby while the other eats is what I have seen with pretty much all parents if other distractions do not work. .

 

I'm nowhere near AP, but this is what happened at my house. Baby cries, you hold it, unless it's a tantrum. But even at that age, I erred on the side of too much attention to crying, because it can be hard to tell what is a tantrum and what is legitimate crying.

 

. A baby that age can eat finger foods, well unless something is wrong. You can start them with soft items, there are lots of choices. We never even do pureed foods.

 

 

yes, this. Why isn't baby eating at the table?

[tabrizia]

weird. I get letting baby fuss in the highchair a bit, but shutting her in the other room like a barking dog? Why on earth isn't the 10 month old in a high chair at the table with everyone else? A sippy cup and some toys at least, although not offering food seems odd too.

 

 

This, heck the babies were sitting at the table with us from about 4 months on, though they didn't get food until 6 months or so. If they fussed they moved to someone's lap.

 

I am kind of surprised she is not eating any finger foods at all at 10 months, I know some people exclusively nurse until 12 months or longer, but in general, most babies are at least playing with table food of some sort by 10 months.

 

I would never move a crying baby into another room because I am trying to eat. I might let them fuss a few minutes if I am trying to eat and no one else is there to help, but even then I will probably just pick them up, put them on my lap and deal with them grabbing at my food as I try to eat.

[TravelingChris]

At that age, all my children were in high chairs eating with us. Not the same food exactly- well sometimes, but something anyway. Like others said, mashing peas or chewing on some bread or something to eat. Then they didn't cry and enjoyed dinner time with us. It doubly helped when we had to go out to eat (which wasn't always a choice since as a military family, we ended up moving a number of times). Certainly by ten months of age. We took our second one on a cruise when she was 9 months old and I never had to take her out since she enjoyed eating with us. There was plenty of food she could have by then.

[kesmom]

From what I understand, she has taken to solids slowly. I think they are wanting her to do purees "well" before moving to finger foods. It's not what I would do personally like many have already mentioned.

[Cinder]

weird. I get letting baby fuss in the highchair a bit, but shutting her in the other room like a barking dog? Why on earth isn't the 10 month old in a high chair at the table with everyone else? A sippy cup and some toys at least, although not offering food seems odd too.

 

:iagree: We usually had baby with us at mealtimes, whether in a highchair or on a lap, unless baby was sleeping. They learn so much just being with everyone else.

[tomandlorih]

Why on earth isn't the 10 month old in a high chair at the table with everyone else? A sippy cup and some toys at least, although not offering food seems odd too.

 

:iagree:Our 3.5 month old sits with us, either in her highchair(which reclines) or her walker or on daddy or mommy's lap. Of course at this age, if she cries she needs something.. food, diaper change etc. We also pretty much skip baby food. We start them out with cereal but they quickly progress to mashed real food.

[Trish]

My husband and I took turns eating.

[Soror]

My first didn't eat solids until later, 10 months iirc before he ate anything and over 2 before he ate more than a few Ts. I still let him sit with us. I would have difficulty hearing that and to be honest I'd have to cut my time short at such events. People can do what they like but I find it personally distressing to listen to babies cry for extended times, ie anything more than 5 minutes, without some kind of comforting to be tried.

[Aggie]

Developmentally at 10 mos finger food is not only appropriate but imperative.

 

 

This is not true. Many children, mine included, were bf exclusively past 12 months.

 

Ah see, my first wasn't eating any solids until after 12 months.

 

Same here.

 

This is just a different parenting style. No need to fret.

 

FWIW, I can't even remember meals when my dc were that age. :lol:

[Harriet Vane]

weird. I get letting baby fuss in the highchair a bit, but shutting her in the other room like a barking dog? Why on earth isn't the 10 month old in a high chair at the table with everyone else? A sippy cup and some toys at least, although not offering food seems odd too.

 

:iagree:

[jennsmile]

:confused::confused:

 

We include our babies with us from birth at meal time unless they are napping. If they are fussy we hold them. If we are out at a restaurant and they are fussy I take them outside till they calm down. I eat when I can. When we are my parents often my parents hold the babies.

[justLisa]

POor thing. I understand needing to put down a colicky baby so you don't go nuts. But baby should sit with family during meal time, in a high chair or something. It's called being a family.

[wapiti]

I wonder what the baby is screaming about to begin with - just wanting some time to be held?

 

I'm with all the PPs - I don't understand why the baby isn't sitting at the table. I'd always put mine in the feeding chair with some finger foods, a sippy cup of water, or even toys, if they were finished eating. If they were upset, I'd just let them out of the chair to crawl away and play on the floor while the others eat. We are as far from formal as one can get at mealtime, but the baby would at least start the meal in the chair.

 

Now, if we had people over to the house, or we were out, the baby would often be scared of the strangers/strange situation and want to sit on my lap while we ate. Eating with one hand, spilling on myself, etc., is just par for the course with a baby. I wouldn't be punishing the baby for that. Now, if the baby is having some sort of tantrum, as opposed to just struggling to communicate her needs and wants, maybe that's different, I don't know.

[justLisa]

I dunno, mine always had a knack for screaming at dinner time. I have no idea why. I always fed them first. Then they would just meltdown when I wanted to sit down and eat. So I usually choked down my food as they screamed.

 

It didn't matter what I did (high chair, toys, etc.).

 

I wasn't able to hold them and eat. So I didn't do that. It's like they knew I wanted to do something without them and they didn't like it.

 

That's totally different. I did not have colicky babies but DD was more fussy for her first year in comparison to DS. I would have to put a baby down for a few minutes if they screamed all the time, because I am just *not* the type that can remain sane while hearing that. Shutting a kid in a room though....I don't think i could happily eat knowing they were just screaming behind a door.

 

But once a baby it old enough to be awake every dinner time they should be allowed to just sit with the family during meal time.

[Parrothead]

Wow! Just after nap and have they fed her? She is probably just as hungry as they are and yet they eat while she cries. How awful for the poor little thing.

[Parrothead]

Exclusive bfing is really not ideal for that long.

Everyone is going to have an opinion on this. It is one of those hot button topics. Let's not turn this into a kilt thread. :D

[ktgrok]

From what I understand, she has taken to solids slowly. I think they are wanting her to do purees "well" before moving to finger foods. It's not what I would do personally like many have already mentioned.

 

No wonder, given she doesn't ever see anyone eat!

[ktgrok]

This is not true. Many children, mine included, were bf exclusively past 12 months.

 

 

 

Same here.

 

This is just a different parenting style. No need to fret.

 

FWIW, I can't even remember meals when my dc were that age. :lol:

 

My son didn't eat a lot of solids at that age, but he still sat at the table and got to play with a spoon, maybe suck on a pickle, etc....

[AuntieM]

So you've only observed this at extended family gatherings? Hmmm... perhaps they are trying to avoid all those hands lined up to hold baby. Maybe they don't want baby all passed around and handled. At their own home this is likely not an issue.

 

FWIW, my babes always joined us at the table, I am just trying to imagine what the parents in question are thinking. Especially considering that other thread about the sign on the stroller!

[alisoncooks]

At 10 months my kids were usually in a high chair at the table with the rest of us, laughing at their siblings as they mash peas into the tray.

 

Hmm. I'm not familiar with this approach. When ds was a little baby, we'd put him in his swing near the table, so he could see us and interact with us, but the movement of the swing helped him stay calm and content. When he could sit in the high chair, though, we'd put him in it and feed him his dinner while we ate ours. So I'm unfamiliar with the idea of feeding baby at a separate time and expecting him/her to let mom and dad eat without him/her. Even if your family member feeds the baby first, why not let the child sit in the high chair and work on picking up cheerios or something?

 

Wendi

 

:iagree::iagree: My girls sat in a high chair at 6 months. They were still exclusively BF at that point, but they sat there with books or blocks or something while we ate...

[happypamama]

If our baby (11 months, but not eating solids yet) is awake at dinnertime, he often sits at the table. Instead of a high chair, we have a seat that sits on a regular chair; we can buckle him in just fine, but he sits right at the table with us. Sometimes he's in my lap, and sometimes he's playing on the floor. If he cries, I pick him up. If I can't, someone else does. We really, really try not to leave a baby crying if there is anything we can do about it. Personally, I can't imagine using the approach the OP mentioned; it's not my cup of tea.

[Mommy22alyns]

The girls always sat at the table with us. If she's grabbing at plates, move her back? We always had the "baby radius" on tables when we were out.

[happypamama]

Developmentally at 10 mos finger food is not only appropriate but imperative.

 

 

I'm not doubting that it may be appropriate for many babies, but may I ask why you say it's also imperative? I have three older children, all of whom are good eaters. DD started solids (soft foods, finger foods, no purees) at just before 8 months and was interested right away; I offered solids to DS1 at 9 months, but he wasn't interested until 12 months. I didn't offer DS2 anything until 12 months, at which point he took to them right away, and at 3 1/2, he eats anything and everything. His fine motor coordination is excellent as well. We have food and other allergies in the family, so I am super cautious about solid foods. I expect DS3 will follow the same path as DS2. In fact, they just tested DS3's iron, and it's perfect; he's growing and healthy and chubby and doing all the things he's expected to be doing, so clearly, he's not missing anything.

Edited June 18, 2012 by happypamama

[ssavings]

DD(baby) is just a bit younger than 10 months. She sits on a lap or in her high chair at dinner time. Before she was on finger foods, we fed her purees during dinner (give her a bite of her food, take a bite of my food).

Granted, DD(baby) is not the type of girl to stay on a playmat/blanket while other people are doing something fun. She'd likely be crawling under the table or pulling up and cruising around every chair if she wasn't at the table. At least sitting at the table, she's in one place.

[HomeschoolingHearts&Minds]

I remember going to a family gathering at a restaurant when my oldest dd was a babe. She started to fuss, but wasn't hungry or wet or anything, so first I bounced her on my knee while eating, then hubby bounced her on his knee while eating, then grandpa bounced her...and so on around the table. :D

 

Now, obviously, locking her in a room wasn't an option, but I can't imagine shutting a wee one in a room. I'm not comfortable with that, but everyone has their own threshold of tolerance. Perhaps their experience has been that no matter what they do she cries and they can't tolerate it? My same dd would get on a crying jag every evening like clockwork where absolutely nothing would console her. I just walked and walked and held her and loved on her, but she wouldn't stop until she fell asleep. It wasn't colic. It was just part of her rhythm.

[Cricket]

If the baby is grabbing at plates, it kind of makes me wonder if she is actually wanting the plate or the food on the plate. :confused: I'm the same as other pps. My babies were either on my lap or in the swing nearby and then in the highchair when they could sit on their own. Most definitely at the table since they were also members of the family. It is a little weird that they aren't at least letting her play with mashed up food on her highchair tray. Some people are weird about the mess though.

 

And she doesn't have to do well with pureed food before moving on to feeding herself. My youngest went straight from b/f exclusively to table food at 9 months. She had absolutely no interest in pureed food or any food for that matter until then.

[Ellie]

Do you pick up the baby? Attempt to busy/distract baby, but still pick her up if that fails? Move her to another room and leave her alone?

A *baby,* yes. Cranky baby would sit on someone's lap. An *infant* who couldn't be satisifed with being bounced on laps, who wouldn't nurse, might get to go to bed, because we'd have assumed that she was tired and needed to sleep.

 

Our niece just turned 10 months. At every family dinner since she has been old enough to grab at plates, the following takes place. Her parents start her on a blanket/swing/whatever nearby and when she starts crying they take her across the house to a pack and play in a bedroom, shut the door (baby crying) and come back and finish eating their meal. It's typically right after she has taken a nap. She isn't eating finger foods yet, which is I'm guessing why they don't put her in the high chair.

0_o

 

That's just weird. In our home, a 10mo toddler would be sitting in a high chair with finger foods (I don't assume that a baby grabbing at plates wants what's on the plate; babies old enough to do that grab at everything, lol) while we ate, not on a blanket/swing/whatever nearby; we'd want her to be with us. If she had been really cranky, and we knew she had eaten and had a clean diaper, we might assume that she was tired, and we'd have put her in her bed to see if we were right. We don't close doors, though.

 

I am surprised that she isn't eating finger foods yet, but that's a different discussion. :-)

Edited June 18, 2012 by Ellie

[Mothersweets]

These are first time parents, right?

 

When they look back 10 years from now, they'll probably cringe with embarrassment at how stupid they were to do this. I know I did some idiotic things that seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. Is there a grandma or grandpa there who could jump in and hold the baby next time?

[mommymilkies]

I would not be able to eat with a crying baby/toddler. That takes precedence, by far. You can always reheat your food! I have baby on my lap nursing or in a seat with something to play with/eat.

[Starr]

At 10 months my kids were usually in a high chair at the table with the rest of us, laughing at their siblings as they mash peas into the tray.

 

:iagree:

[Katiebug_1976]

Hmm. I'm not familiar with this approach. When ds was a little baby, we'd put him in his swing near the table, so he could see us and interact with us, but the movement of the swing helped him stay calm and content. When he could sit in the high chair, though, we'd put him in it and feed him his dinner while we ate ours. So I'm unfamiliar with the idea of feeding baby at a separate time and expecting him/her to let mom and dad eat without him/her. Even if your family member feeds the baby first, why not let the child sit in the high chair and work on picking up cheerios or something?

 

Wendi

 

:iagree:My thoughts exactly. Our babies (one at a time, of course) were always at the table with us whether in a swing, on a lap or in a highchair unless they happened to be sleeping at meal time. They were also early eaters...they started "eyeing" our plates early on and usually by 6 or 7 months they were nibbling on soft finger foods.

[Melissa in Australia]

I brought my children up with the philosophy that they are people even at a small age and part of the family. With this in mind, I had their bassinet in whatever room everyone was in all day long, even nap time. At meal times they were at the table observing and learning what happens at meal times. When they were very tiny this would include sitting on my lap. By 10 months they would be sitting, so they would be in a high chair, being part of the family and sampling the odd tidbit of what we were eating.

[Embassy]

I'd pick up the baby. From an educational and language development standpoint you want to respond to your baby's cries. Crying puts the baby in a place of stress and not in a place where learning happens. Also responding to your baby helps him build the very basic skills necessary for future language skills.

[MrsBasil]

POor thing. I understand needing to put down a colicky baby so you don't go nuts. But baby should sit with family during meal time, in a high chair or something. It's called being a family.

 

I know a lot of people who feed their children dinner first and have an adult dinner later while the kids play or watch TV. Perhaps that is what this couple intends to do?

 

My dd has been grabbing at plates since she was 5 months old. She was either nursing or sitting in my lap during dinner until recently. Now she's in her bouncer, but it would be an ideal time to drag out her high chair maybe.

 

Usually though, it's just DS and I at dinner and we like to have "indoor picnics" for meals.

[Embassy]

Yeah so what was my baby telling me when he screamed all day long? *sigh*

 

Sorry, this is a major sore point for me. I held my baby as much as humanly possible. He still cried all the time. I was a wreck for about a year. Maybe he was unusual, but all the advice I read said what you are saying and it made that time in my life the most miserable time ever because I stupidly listened to it. It made me want to burn all my baby advice books.

 

My only point being we do not know the individual situation here.

 

Holding your baby is responding to his cries. I'm sure your baby felt much comfort from your constant holding even if he was still unhappy.

[justLisa]

Yeah so what was my baby telling me when he screamed all day long? *sigh*

 

Sorry, this is a major sore point for me. I held my baby as much as humanly possible. He still cried all the time. I was a wreck for about a year. Maybe he was unusual, but all the advice I read said what you are saying and it made that time in my life the most miserable time ever because I stupidly listened to it. It made me want to burn all my baby advice books.

 

My only point being we do not know the individual situation here.

 

Yeah this is what kind of ticks me off. I am a very attached parent, but I would not be the kind to be able to hear actual screaming alll day. I had a dear friend with a colicky baby. She is probably the most attached kind of parent I have every met, but she would call me to say "I just put him down and closed the door....." and I would always feel sad for them both, but always assured her she needs her sanity. He screamed hours a day.

 

DD drove me nuts for several months with her fussiness, but she was not a screamer. I wore her on my back all the time around the house and out and she would nap there too, but I couldn't do that if she was actually screaming. I totally feel for people who get through that.