Am I unreasonable or MIL?

[sbgrace]

My MIL is upset that they didn't see us on Easter. Specifically, she expected to be invited to my parent's to join my family (including my sisters and their families) for Easter. This has happened before but when she asked if she was seeing us this Easter I told her clearly that they should just do their own plans and my family had plans. She didn't get it apparently.

 

Background:

We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas days with my husband's family this year. I did not see my family at all over those holidays for various reasons though this isn't typical. I don't think I've seen one of my sisters in almost two years.

 

My in laws live about four hours away and we can't visit there (she is a hoarder). This means to spend a holiday with them I have to either:

 

1. Not see my family

 

2. Combine my family and his family together (at my parents or sister's home...this actually does happen much more often than is probably typical). The dynamics of having both families together is different than my family alone. Not that anyone dislikes them at all. It's just different and more awkward for various reasons. To see them on Easter this would be the only reasonable alternative and they have spent a number of Easters invited to my parent's home by my parents. I don't make the decision to include them or not. Easter is big there with egg hunts and stuff for all the grandkids.

 

3. Meet them somewhere like a restaurant and then arrange to meet my family on another day on a holiday week-end (very commonly how Thanksgiving goes). This is stressful because of my son's allergies require making and transporting all of his food. This is not easy when we can't meet at their home (or ours anymore for other reasons). Still, I expect to continue this for Thanksgiving and Christmas if we're not together with both families for those holidays. I just don't like that's is a "must" in her mind.

 

 

Anyway, my MIL informed me tonight that she thinks she should see us/her son on every Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter and I can't remember what else.

 

She went on to explain that they would always see both sides of the family on holidays when my husband was growing up. Of course both families lived in the same town...not hours apart and they could spend the night at the homes. We can't spend the night at any of the parent's homes.

 

I told her it wasn't going to happen that way necessarily and tried to explain why and it left me (and probably her) upset.

 

Is it reasonable to expect to see us every single holiday? I'm ticked she's upset about Easter especially given we spent Christmas and Thanksgiving with just them. I don't think I should tell my family that they "must" always invite them for Easter?? I need to let this go but it's got me knotted inside.

Edited April 9, 2012 by sbgrace

[Carol in Cal.]

If you have a pretty good relationship and this is important to her, I would do my best to facilitate it. It's great for kids to grow up knowing both sides of their families, and with the idea that everyone gets together for the holidays reliably.

[TXBeth]

What does your DH think about it all? He needs to be the one to communicate your joint decisions to his mother in a way that doesn't paint you as the bad guy.

[Unicorn.]

Your mil is being unreasonable. As you said, when your dh was growing up, both sides of the family lived close, and it was doable. You and your dh have created your own family, and are under no obligation to go visit anyone. You need to make your own traditions, and do your own thing. I think you have already done plenty of accommodating, and you are entitled to spend a holiday w/ only your family. :grouphug:

[besroma]

Due to how far apart you live, it does seem unreasonable, unless she is willing to do most of the traveling.

[A.Balaban]

Growing up, my grandparents lived two hours away from each other, but we lived several hours away from them. We would travel to one, spend a couple days there, travel to the next one, spend more days there, and then travel back to the first one before heading home. It was the best way to split that, and we often would vary which holiday's we went up for.

 

Now with my own family, we live 6 hours away from, and we live about 3 hours away from my husband's side of the family. My DS's BD also gets DS for every-other holiday. So far, he has chosen not to exercise that, but pretty soon he will, and that will complicate things further.

 

We just tell each side of the family what we can do. Last Christmas we did not travel- I was working. So we told each family we would make time to see them after Christmas. DH took DD down for a couple days in January, and we all went up to visit my family for a week in late Jan/early Feb. Last year we spent Easter at his mom's house, but this year we couldn't travel b/c his work schedule. We just tell them openly what we can do, and so far we have avoided any calamities.

[weddell]

She is being unreasonable. You can't (in the scenario you described) possibly see her every holiday. Even if you could see both your parents and your dh's parents every holiday, you simply aren't obligated to do so. Yes, it's nice to see family on holidays and have the kids know their grandparents, but it's not required. Plus you could always try and see them later in the spring. It's not like you are saying you will never see them again, just not EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY.

 

I think you have been more accommodating than most people would be inviting them on occasion to your parents' house in the past. You really aren't obligated to do that every holiday. Plus you saw your in-laws for the last couple holidays so you should definitely get a turn with your family.

[tex-mex]

What does your DH think about it all? He needs to be the one to communicate your joint decisions to his mother in a way that doesn't paint you as the bad guy.

:iagree:

 

Unless this is being decided by her son, it won't sink in. I do think for the grandchildren's sake, there should be some effort of seeing MIL but it would be secondary to the actual holiday. (i.e. Thanksgiving & Christmas dinners on another "scheduled" day or meet at a restaurant with food for son's diet [we do this with son's food & meds everywhere] -- so the OP can celebrate it with her family too) But not every holiday.

 

Keep in mind the MIL may be suffering from OCD/Depression and it may be helpful for her to see her family even if it is stressful.

Edited April 9, 2012 by tex-mex

[gardenmom5]

Your mil is unreasonable - she needs to get a life of her own. You also need to be clear - don't try to reason with her as she will never agree with you - just be explicit that "we are going to my family for easter, and won't be able to see you".

 

if she get's upset - well, that's her problem.

 

(and "that's nice you saw both families for all holidays - that doesn't work for us." end of discussion.)

[Rosie_0801]

She is being unreasonable. And if she wants to see you so badly, she will visit the week before or the week after. It is not as though visiting is strictly prohibited between holidays.

 

Rosie

[ChandlerMom]

Your mil is unreasonable - she needs to get a life of her own. You also need to be clear - don't try to reason with her as she will never agree with you - just be explicit that "we are going to my family for easter, and won't be able to see you".

 

if she get's upset - well, that's her problem.

 

(and "that's nice you saw both families for all holidays - that doesn't work for us." end of discussion.)

 

:iagree: I also agree that your dh needs to be the one to deal with your MIL, IL issues are really spouse issues because they are the only ones with any power to enforce the boundaries.

 

If it makes you feel better, we *tried* to appease family on both sides during the first year of marriage, but after the T'Day debacle at our house shortly after our eldest was born we said ENOUGH. Now NO ONE would presume that they will see us on ANY holiday, or birthday and if they do (mil) they are quickly disabused of that notion. Holidays and birthdays are about our nuclear family, primarily the KIDS. We do Christmas on their schedule, we searched and rehid the Easter eggs 30 times yesterday. *IF* they are invited over it is with the understanding it's all about our kids (so no, the kids will NOT just "run along and play" so you can monopolize your son to talk about your azaleas) and they need to fit into our plans. Even my extremely passive-agressive MIL doesn't bother to ask or put up a fuss because dh made it clear this is just how it is. And you know what? It is absolutely LOVELY! No stress, just great family fun.

 

What we do isn't for everyone, but my point is that every couple has to decide what is best for their family. You and dh need to decide for your family. Your ILs decided for theirs. They don't get to decide for you. The fact she thinks she gets a say (let alone to decide) shows she may love you and dh, but she has no respect for you. A common occurrence with parents of adult children. ;)

 

Good luck!

[elegantlion]

Your MIL is unreasonable. So you're expected to travel on all major holidays? Unreasonable. Even when we had our parents in the same city we'd rotate holidays. After ds was born it became about creating traditions for our family.

 

I don't consider Easter a travel holiday though. Most people need to be at work on Monday. Traveling 4 hours after a day of eating and fun gets to be wearying.

 

Even though our families get along I would never think to combine them. They each have a different dynamic and extended family. It would be awkward.

[Lisbeth]

Your mil is unreasonable - she needs to get a life of her own. You also need to be clear - don't try to reason with her as she will never agree with you - just be explicit that "we are going to my family for easter, and won't be able to see you".

 

if she get's upset - well, that's her problem.

 

(and "that's nice you saw both families for all holidays - that doesn't work for us." end of discussion.)

 

This! You should not explain. You are an adult... "That won't work for us." Is all that needs to be said. Plus, my mom would is very private, and would not be too happy (to say the least) if I invited the inlaws. She wouldn' t want them there.

Your MIL has serious entitlement issues. Nip them in the bud.

[NanceXToo]

I guess I don't really get why you're all close enough to them to invite them for some Easter dinners but not others. It's your husband's family, they've indicated it's important to them to be with their family/son/grandkids on a major holiday where all the rest of the family is getting together (I don't personally think of family so much as "mine" and "his" once we're married, it's now "ours"), you're already having a big extended family get together anyway at a place where they have been welcome before and have fit before, you said it's not a matter of not liking them, so unless your husband DOESN'T want to see them, or there are bad things about them as people that you aren't mentioning here, why include them some years and exclude them others, especially when they've expressed how important it is to them to see their family on the holiday?

 

I get that you said your parents are in charge of this, but if it were me, I'd be going to my parents and saying, "Hey, just so you know, husband's parents have indicated how important it is to them that they get to see son and grandkids for Easter, too and I think they feel a little left out years they aren't invited. You know the situation with them and we can't travel there, do you think they can just be included and invited here each year" or however you want to word it.

[ma23peas]

The clincher is the 4 hours....my parents live 3.5 hours away, would have loved to see them, but we had commitments on Saturday and just was not up for a 7 hour drive in one day to be back at work on Monday. If they were in the same town, no problem....but, no...you are not 'expected' to make it happen....but I definitely would do something special for her to show you are thinking of her...a nice flower bouquet/fruit basket...something to tell her you miss her and will see her in the summer. She's a hoarder...you know she already has issues...just be sensitive to her condition...but not sensitive to her reactions. Hard to do!

[Word Nerd]

What does your DH think about it all? He needs to be the one to communicate your joint decisions to his mother in a way that doesn't paint you as the bad guy.

 

:iagree:

 

And yes, I do think it's unreasonable to expect to see you for every major holiday.

[Mama Geek]

I think some of this really comes down to difference in how we grow up. Dh and I go through lots of issues with where to spend holidays, birthdays, etc. He has a big extended family and wants to spend every holiday he can with as many of them as possible. My MIL is of the opinion if her kids aren't in her home then she really doesn't like it. I am happy to be involved in church and in doing things with just us with sometimes including my mom or IL's. This isn't what dh or his parents want or like. After 16 years it still isn't easy and when dd came along it got worse. There are no easy answers.

[pageta]

I guess I don't really get why you're all close enough to them to invite them for some Easter dinners but not others. It's your husband's family, they've indicated it's important to them to be with their family/son/grandkids on a major holiday where all the rest of the family is getting together (I don't personally think of family so much as "mine" and "his" once we're married, it's now "ours"), you're already having a big extended family get together anyway at a place where they have been welcome before and have fit before, you said it's not a matter of not liking them, so unless your husband DOESN'T want to see them, or there are bad things about them as people that you aren't mentioning here, why include them some years and exclude them others, especially when they've expressed how important it is to them to see their family on the holiday?

 

I get that you said your parents are in charge of this, but if it were me, I'd be going to my parents and saying, "Hey, just so you know, husband's parents have indicated how important it is to them that they get to see son and grandkids for Easter, too and I think they feel a little left out years they aren't invited. You know the situation with them and we can't travel there, do you think they can just be included and invited here each year" or however you want to word it.

 

Each family grows and so the gathering gets bigger and bigger. I've seen threads where people got tired of it getting bigger and bigger and bigger because of all the extra people invited. It's one thing for your children and their immediate family to come. It's another to include their extended family. It's one thing to do that occasionally, it's another to feel obligated to ALWAYS include extended family. I don't think it's right to expect that.

 

Personally, I don't understand the holiday thing. When I grew up, we lived 16 hours from our grandparents. They came to see us for a week every year, and we went to visit them for a week every year. This was almost always NOT over any given holiday.

 

If family is important, there is no reason why you can't get together at other times. Sometimes I enjoy a quiet holiday with just us. This year we did Thanksgiving by ourselves, we did Christmas with my family, and we did Easter with my husband's family. My parents just came to visit a couple weeks ago (they live 12 hours away). We see them at Christmas because my husband has a week off work and we can drive to see them, so that works well. My husbands family serves really bad food, and I love to cook, so I did my own Thanksgiving dinner this year. We see them all on a regular basis, but if we see them over a holiday, that's just an added bonus, not an obligation.

[happypamama]

I also think it's unreasonable to expect to see you for every major holiday, especially since you don't live close together, and especially since you spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with them. My parents and ILs live in the same town, three hours away, but we rarely travel to see them; they come to us at different times. My ILs were here for Christmas, for instance, while my parents hosted my other siblings and then visited us at New Year's. My parents are here this week and were with us for Easter; my ILs were here a couple of weeks ago and went to visit their daughter and her family for Easter. It all works out.

 

I think it's very kind that your parents have invited your ILs to Easter in the past, and maybe you could just put in a gentle hint to your parents that your ILs are lonely and would love to be included, even if they're not related to everyone. (If they're used to a large extended family, it might not matter so much who is actually related.) But your MIL should not *expect* that at all.

[Zebra]

Your MIL is being unreasonable.

 

You are an adult with your own family and you and DH need to do what you want to do. If they live next door and you don't want to see them, that's your business. Just be kind and firm with her, and if she gets upset that's her problem.

 

Boundaries with family is one of the hardest things to deal with.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

She has unreasonable expectations considering the distance and the fact that you have your own family that you would like to spend some holidays with. I already know that when my sons grow up, I'll have to split the holidays up, or see them on different days or something. I think it's nice that your parents have been willing to invite your ILs on occasion, but I can also see how that gets draining after a while.

[3browneyedboys4me]

Maybe you could sit down with your husband and make a plan for the holidays. You could decide which holidays your family celebrates and which set of parents would be the best fit for those holidays- given distance, size of family, and travel involved.

 

 

Or, you could try to find a way to incorporate everyone in the BIG holidays like Christmas, but divide the other holidays up- Thanksgiving, Easter, etc...

[jelbe5]

In my opinion it is unreasonable for you to spend every significant holiday with your in-law.

 

My family lives about 60 minutes away. My in laws live 3 hours away. We rotate holidays each year. This year we spend Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with my husband's. In 2013 it will be reversed. Easter is more flexible. We decide what we want to do . . . this year we stayed home and relaxed.

 

I would suggest the rotating holiday idea and that your dh let his mom know how it is going to work . . . :tongue_smilie:

 

ETA if we spend Thanksgiving with my in laws we do try to see them again shortly after the Christmas break for a weekend visit.

Edited April 9, 2012 by jelbe5

[Harriet Vane]

She is being unreasonable. You can't (in the scenario you described) possibly see her every holiday. Even if you could see both your parents and your dh's parents every holiday, you simply aren't obligated to do so. Yes, it's nice to see family on holidays and have the kids know their grandparents, but it's not required. Plus you could always try and see them later in the spring. It's not like you are saying you will never see them again, just not EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY.

 

I think you have been more accommodating than most people would be inviting them on occasion to your parents' house in the past. You really aren't obligated to do that every holiday. Plus you saw your in-laws for the last couple holidays so you should definitely get a turn with your family.

 

:iagree:

 

She did what worked for her kids, her family, in her circumstances. That does not mean you have to do what she did for YOUR kids, your family, your circumstances.

 

It's not like you never see her. You can celebrate a holiday not on the actual day, but I also see NO problem with alternating time spent.

 

My dear sil has her parents here, close by, and her dh's family about two hours away. They alternate holidays. Thanksgiving and Easter will be spent with one side of the family, and Christmas with the other side. Thanksgiving and Easter are an either/or kind of deal--they spend those two holidays with only one side of the family. For example, this year they were with us and did NOT see her dh's side, and next year they will be with her dh's side and NOT with us. Christmas is different. They do travel to both sides. One side gets them for Christmas DAY, and the other side celebrates Christmas together on a day that is not actually the 25th. It's a system that has worked well for the last fifteen years.

 

Your mil is being unreasonable and self-centered. Have your dh explain it to her firmly, one more time, and then NO more discussion. If she continues to bring it up or create drama, you shut the conversation down calmly, without anger, saying something like, "We love you. We explained how we do the holidays already. I'll talk to you later." Repeat as often as necessary, but do not open the discussion again.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Your mil is being unreasonable and demanding. :iagree: Your dh, would be a good point man to let his mom know without you being the bad-guy, but I get that life doesn't always work that way.

 

Boundaries, the book...get it from the library.

 

Families grow, people change and doing what is best for your family is a good thing. Her way isn't the only way...you can love someone and not do everything their way.

[Gingerbread Mama]

While I think it's great that Nance's family and inlaws all get along so well, that isn't the case for everyone. DH and I have been married for 14 years, we still have "his" and "hers" families. We all get along, but we grew up so differently that it's really unreasonable for us to expect the other to feel at home in the other family. Now, my husband travels, so it's easy for us to see a lot of my mom... and he doesn't feel awkward, because he's not here. My MIL is always pushing for "one big family" type holidays and it's always stressful for me and my mom. We don't DO holidays that way, never have. My mom tried it one year, going to my inlaws, and swore never again.

 

OP, I really think your MIL is either clueless and unreasonable, or just outright rude. You don't insist someone invite you somewhere. You. Just. Don't! And that is basically what she's done, buy insisting that she see you all every holiday. Frankly, I'd be tempted to say that if it's so flipping important to her she might try dejunking so it would be convienient for her to host your family on some holidays. If my inlaws ever pitched that kind of fit, it would be hard for me not to tell them they'd just fixed it where they wouldn't see us at holidays at all. I think her demands are awfully immature. Perhaps you need to sit down with her (and your DH) and come up with a schedule, like the PP has. Tell her you can either do ALL holidays with her one year and your family the next...or alternate by holiday...or whatever. I think I would take the bull by the horns here and get it all hammered out NOW before another holiday pops up. If she knows what to expect, maybe she will be more pleasant. Does anyone else think it's terribly self centered of this MIL to expect that the OP will see her *every* holiday, even if that means changing her family's plans, but clearly expects that some holidays she may be coming to see the MIL and WOULDN'T get to see her family at all?

 

Sorry, extended family makes me cranky sometimes. :glare: I've been known to declare that I'm going to move to a tent in the farthest reaches of Canada to escape the pressure that my inlaws put on me to "feel like one of the family." I don't, and I'm okay with that.

[Chris in VA]

Maybe just alternate years. It might be the only way to set a boundary that works.

 

It's not a matter of just seeing her at another time; she has an emotional attachment to the holiday, and it doesn't feel the same to her to not have her kids around or to have them around at a different time. It feels empty and lonely to her.

I think, anyway. Remember, she's a hoarder, and she might be the kind that can't throw things away because of emotional attachment--She's hoarding holidays just like she's hoarding things. She may be really rigid and black-and-white in her thinking, and holidays and other things may need to be a certain way or she feels the above and also feels anxious and disappointed.

There ya go--That's my attempt to understand.

 

I will also say, it would feel funny to me to be invited somewhere one year and not the next. I'd wonder what happened--did I do something wrong? Do they not enjoy my company? I've sort of felt this when dd's friend no longer invited her to birthday parties. It wasn't dd or my fault, they just wanted to limit the list to school friends and thought dd would feel uncomfortable with people she doesn't know (it felt like a hurtful and lame excuse to us, but I totally get their right to do it!).

 

So, since your mil is not a really flexible person and invests so much into the holidays, maybe just be really clear ahead of time (like you were, I know...you did the right thing), and be sure to call and send something. But know it won't satisfy her. Oh, and I mean DH should send/call, not you. :001_smile:

[Parrothead]

Move. Hundreds of miles a way from either side. That way the visits are not centered around major holidays. ;):D

 

 

Dd's first Christmas was spend in the car. We had to go see this person, that person and the other person. As soon as we got home I looked at dh and said never again. I told everyone from that moment on dd would spend her holidays in her house with her stuff and if anyone wanted to see her they could come to her.

 

Maybe it would be easier on you if you work out whatever the problem is at your house so you can have your holidays in your home accepting visitors as needed.

Edited April 9, 2012 by Parrothead

[Word Nerd]

I guess I don't really get why you're all close enough to them to invite them for some Easter dinners but not others. It's your husband's family, they've indicated it's important to them to be with their family/son/grandkids on a major holiday where all the rest of the family is getting together (I don't personally think of family so much as "mine" and "his" once we're married, it's now "ours"), you're already having a big extended family get together anyway at a place where they have been welcome before and have fit before, you said it's not a matter of not liking them, so unless your husband DOESN'T want to see them, or there are bad things about them as people that you aren't mentioning here, why include them some years and exclude them others, especially when they've expressed how important it is to them to see their family on the holiday?

 

The OP's parents did nothing wrong. It's perfectly acceptable to host people one year and not another. Hosting people for one holiday (or several) doesn't obligate a hostess to invite them every year thereafter.

[tristangrace]

I guess I don't really get why you're all close enough to them to invite them for some Easter dinners but not others.

 

Reading this makes me feel claustrophobic. As a host, I tend to do holiday differently every year. Some years I host a big group, some years a small group, some years we celebrate in someone else's home. Why isn't it OK to have some people over some years and not other years? I especially like to invite people who don't have somewhere else to go for holiday meals, but part of the reason I can do that is that I don't HAVE to invite the same people year after year . . . if I did, my house couldn't hold them all.

 

I get that family is a little different in this regard, but still: social interactions require grace and manners from both host and guest . . . surely it is poor manners for a guest to respond to an invitation with the expectation/requirement that it be renewed every year for every holiday!

[Carol in Cal.]

Why isn't it OK to have some people over some years and not other years? I especially like to invite people who don't have somewhere else to go for holiday meals, but part of the reason I can do that is that I don't HAVE to invite the same people year after year . . . if I did, my house couldn't hold them all.

 

 

Is it OK? I guess so. Can it lead to hurt feelings? Yes, clearly.

The thing about holidays is that they come around each year. When people spend their holidays with you, they are establishing traditions, or at least they may think that they are. It's important to realize that many feel this way about it. It's not so much a question about what is or is not polite. It is more a question of what is or is not kind, both in deed and in impression.

[Danestress]

.

Edited April 10, 2012 by Danestress

[Stacy in NJ]

you have a pretty complicated situation.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable to expect that under those circumstances you split the holidays between families.

 

It is unreasonable of your MIL to expect that someone else (your family) host every year.

 

It sounds like you're trying to balance out the need for you to spend some time with just your parents and sibs and still spend some quality time with your IL's. Your approach sounds fair to me.

 

I agree with other posters who indicated that your dh needs to step in and explain the situation to his mom.

[susankenny]

We rotate holidays. No, you aren't being unreasonable. In the future though, I would make this conversation be between your MIL and your husband. It's his mom, so I would let him handle it.

 

I'm sorry she reacted that way. MIL's are great, but they can suck the joy out of seemingly lovely things sometimes too:grouphug:

 

Susan

[kalanamak]

Sounds like she is hoarding holidays.

 

Have hubby tell her ahead of time, and don't respond to her complaints other than, "John told you what the plans were. Say, what do you think of those Mets?"

 

You don't needs to explain it to her. Reasonable people would "get it". Unreasonable people just get more worked up when you keep on explaining. For some, it is even an itch they want you to scratch.

[Ann@thebeach]

I'm confused-if you can't go to their house because she's a hoarder and they can't come to your house (for other reasons as you state) then where does she think these holidays will be held? And where did they occur last year?

 

Basically, you are both adults and you just need to put your foot down. Will she be mad, yes. But either she'll get over it or you will be estranged from them. Life is too short to worry about stuff like this. It's supposed to be a holiday and HAPPY and time to spend with family in a positive way-not driving all over the state and stressing.

 

Since we have 4 kids we've always told both sets of parents that we do not leave the house on Thanksgiving or Christmas Day but they are all welcome to see us at our house. We had a few grumbles the first few years but now it works just fine. One or both sets of grandparents show up every year for Christmas Day.

And now since we are known to host Thanksgiving-everyone else is glad they don't have to clean their house or cook the turkey ;)

 

And larger extended family gatherings are always done the week prior or after the actual holiday so there's no conflicts.

[mhg]

This is VERY close to my situation with our families. It got so heated in our early married years that we (husband and I ) devised this chart and gave it to both of our families (and to our siblings), so that they knew where WE planned to spend the holiday each year. It has SOLVED the debate and has helped tremendously. Changing names a bit here for this public-posting: My maiden name “Humbo†Married name “Gumbo†. The family whose year it is for that holiday gets first dibs, meaning that family gets to CHOOSE the day they want to celebrate that holiday. Usually, the family chooses THE day that the holiday is on, but sometimes they choose to have our Christmas on December 23rd for example. The family who doesn’t get first dibs still sees us for the holiday, but we just don’t celebrate it on the holiday day itself. It was just too much on us (all the traveling) that would have been required to accommodate both families for the same holiday. Perhaps it may help in your situation.

 

(.....I tried to attach the chart but couldn't so I had to manually attempt the chart here below).

 

 

-------------------------2009------2010-------2011--------2012----------etc. and so on and so on

EASTER ----------Gumbo---Humbo----Gumbo----Humbo

JULY 4th -----------Humbo---Gumbo----Humbo----Gumbo

THANKSGIVING---Gumbo---Humbo--- Gumbo----Humbo

CHRISTMAS------- Humbo---Gumbo--- Humbo----Gumbo

 

*Christmas Day is always at our house with NO in-laws / just OUR immediate family.

 

We didn’t make EVERY holiday/day off subject to a family visit/traveling, so we didn’t add Martin Luther King, Labor Day, etc. to our calendar. After all, there’s plenty of times to plan get togethers (birthdays, etc.).

Our families didn't like it at first (the fact that they wouldn't see their respective (adult) children and grandkids on the DAY itselt, but to make this happens is just too much on a family with kids (AND gifts, food, etc.) in tow.

I disagree with your MIL. I get her DESIRE, but the cost to your family to accomodate that desire is too much and she should realize this and accept that there needs to be a new way of scheduling the events.

 

 

Edited April 9, 2012 by mhg

[Wendi]

We tried to alternate early in our marriage, but it seems that unexpected things would keep happening, throwing off the rotation and causing confusion. (For example, we were due to spend Thanksgiving with dh's family, but my dad died shortly before Thanksgiving, so we stayed with my family. Things like that.)

 

Wendi

[J-rap]

She is being completely unreasonable and selfish. When we were first married, we tried to see both families every single holiday, and it was exhausting and not enjoyable.

 

We began alternating holidays, and that worked out better. Now, everyone has gotten so casual about it that we're not really on any pattern at all -- just whatever happens to work that year. But, never more than one family per holiday! And sometimes, we just spend it on our own.

 

Stick to your gut feeling about. Remain polite but firm. You have to do what's right for your family. Your husband should help reaffirm this with his mother. (In fact, I would have let my husband handle it all!)

[tristangrace]

If you bill it as a family gathering, then it is odd to exclude different parts of the family from year to year. With family gatherings, the event is inclusive of everyone every year. We all squeeze in to whatever room the eldest relatives are going to be eating in, have the blessing, thank the hosts & contributors, then spread out throughout the house and grounds to enjoy the meal. It is just plain wrong to leave the elderly home alone...usually one of the grandkids has the transportation responsibility and one of the children hosts g'ma and/or g'pa for the weekend if they are up to traveling. If not, then company and food is arranged for.

 

Is it OK? I guess so. Can it lead to hurt feelings? Yes, clearly.

The thing about holidays is that they come around each year. When people spend their holidays with you, they are establishing traditions, or at least they may think that they are. It's important to realize that many feel this way about it. It's not so much a question about what is or is not polite. It is more a question of what is or is not kind, both in deed and in impression.

 

 

I am in my 40's, and I have--periodically--invited large groups (family,friends, strangers) to celebrate holidays in my home for the past 20 years. I don't bill it as a family gathering. We have people eating in every available space (every room except bedrooms and bathrooms). Any time we host a large group, all extended family members are invited. I am relieved to hear this qualifies as being "polite", but still a little disturbed that it is also perceived as "unkind."

[sbgrace]

Thank you all for the replies. They've been really helpful as I think this through. I think she is unreasonable but I do get a bit more where this might be coming from. How to handle it is hard because I don't like people upset and hurt.

 

My dad plans a huge thing (he hid 150 eggs yesterday and every egg was worth a prize as in a toy car or bubble machine) on Easter. Those present yesterday where myself/hubby/kids, my parents, my sister, and my other sister and her hubby and 4 kids. My boys are the only grandkids on my husband's side and, well, that family isn't very kid oriented at all.

 

My inlaws are somewhat socially awkward. It changes the dynamics a lot.

 

As some of you have pointed out it's probably correct that her feelings are hurt because they have been invited many years for Easter (maybe 5 out of 8 years). I don't think my parents intentionally didn't invite them but it's possible they did decide they wanted to do it alone this year. My father would not handle it well to be told he "has" to invite her because they have in the past. That said, he even invited them to go with us to Disney World this year (he paid for all except their Disney tickets). My parents have been very inclusive. I didn't think about the mental issues possibly causing a very strong attachment to actual holidays but that's probably in play for her too.

 

My husband says it's just his mom and ignore it. I'm upset she's upset and hurt. I feel like the only way to avoid this would have been to never invite them in the first place and that's awfully sad.

Edited April 9, 2012 by sbgrace

[Stacy in NJ]

:grouphug: You have my sympathy. I hosted every single family thing for many years (because we are on the ranch, it fell to me). The final straw was when I had babies right at Thanksgiving three times. My mil just didn't get it. I finally started staying in the hospital long enough that I COULDN'T host! :D Finally, my dh stood up to his mom--which was hard seeing as they lived next door to us... It's up to dhs to keep this kind of drama away from their wives...

 

When we first married, dh and I hosted all major holidays at our house. None of my IL's (mother or sister) enjoy cooking and were only too happy to let me do that. The year I had two babies under the age of 2 was the last year I hosted all the holidays. I remember trying to cook, clean, and basically serve dh's entire family while trying to nurse and chase toddlers. We simply didn't invite them the next year. Now my MIL hosts Easter and Christmas most years. She has them catered. :D

[Carol in Cal.]

I am in my 40's, and I have--periodically--invited large groups (family,friends, strangers) to celebrate holidays in my home for the past 20 years. I don't bill it as a family gathering. We have people eating in every available space (every room except bedrooms and bathrooms). Any time we host a large group, all extended family members are invited. I am relieved to hear this qualifies as being "polite", but still a little disturbed that it is also perceived as "unkind."

 

I don't 'hear' anything unkind in your post, which makes me think that I should clarify mine.

 

I think that if someone invites others to spend holidays with them annually for a long time, and then suddenly stops, it can be unkind. The others could reasonably have the expectation that this is a beloved tradition, and be surprised to be excluded. So it falls to those who are hosting to be proactive in dealing with this, particularly with family members. A simple call at least 6 weeks beforehand in which said family member is included in the discussion, a la, "We aren't hosting Easter this year--we are so tired and just need to be quiet," or "My parents are getting older and can't handle a crowd this year, so they are cutting way back on their guest list. We plan to go see them, but we would like to see you, too. Can we meet the week after?" is a kind thing to do. Leaving people out, especially family members, if one has previously established the tacit assumption that they 'have a place to go for Easter' and a usual, customary tradition has an unkind result, albeit usually an unintentional one.

Edited April 9, 2012 by Carol in Cal.

[tristangrace]

I don't 'hear' anything unkind in your post, which makes me think that I should clarify mine.

 

 

Thanks for clarifying. Sounds like we were talking about two different situations.

[AuntieM]

After years of trying to accommodate everyone, dh and I finally said ENOUGH! And nobody saw us for any holidays for a while (just own nuclear family and friends we chose to invite).

 

Now we are easing up a bit and the grandparents are just glad for what they get. Or maybe not, but they've learned that it's easy for us to just go back to doing our own thing.

 

In your situation I think your MIL is being very unreasonable and that she already gets more than her fair share or your holiday time.

 

If she won't let it go, perhaps you could calmly offer her a deal: We'll consider spending additional holiday time with you when you clean out your house.

[Slartibartfast]

I don't think it is reasonable to expect to see someone every holiday because of the distance.

 

I wouldn't visit a home with hoarding issues, I have severe dust allergies.

[fairfarmhand]

Move. Hundreds of miles a way from either side. That way the visits are not centered around major holidays. ;):D

 

 

Dd's first Christmas was spend in the car. We had to go see this person, that person and the other person. As soon as we got home I looked at dh and said never again. I told everyone from that moment on dd would spend her holidays in her house with her stuff and if anyone wanted to see her they could come to her.

 

Maybe it would be easier on you if you work out whatever the problem is at your house so you can have your holidays in your home accepting visitors as needed.

 

This exact scenario occurred here too. And we came to the exact same conclusion.

[tori@thehomefront]

What does your DH think about it all? He needs to be the one to communicate your joint decisions to his mother in a way that doesn't paint you as the bad guy.

 

I agree! Also - I totally get your feeling that it's different having some one else's family mixed in with yours, even if you all get along fabulously and everything. I'd stand your ground and not let her guilt you into anything. You have been far more accommodating than I would have been!

[Guest JoyfulZindagi]

I think you are being selfish and disrespectful of your elders. You are being hurtful to your MIL and trying to be controlling. You don't know when a holiday is a person's last, young or old, and you should open your heart and look at it that way. I am sure you will find there is enough love in there to go around.

 

My sister and her husband did that to my parents -- rationing the time they could spend with their grandchildren. My sis and her husband dictated when and where my folks could see their four granddaughters -- 3 hours on Christmas Ever, from 3 to 6 pm, not before and not later. They never even got to see the little ones open the gifts they gave them, because it wasn't allowed until after Midnight Mass. This was abusive to my parents. Especially when they got old. Christmas Day was spent with her husband's family. The second year they were married, my sister sent a letter to my mom saying they wanted to start a new Thanksgiving tradition on their own. That new 'tradition" turned out to be Thanksgiving with her husband's family only. Every year since then.

 

I tell you this is completely adverse to the way we grew up. On holidays EVERYONE was included. My grandmother never turned a soul away. Neither did my mother, when she took over. Aunts, uncles, cousins, relatives from all "sides" of the family were included, as were neighbors, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, exchange students -- nobody was ever told they were not welcome. And there was always enough food. Always enough space. Always enough help. Always much joy and laughter. And always many beautiful memories. (Ya know -- "Many hands make light work." and "The more the merrier.")

 

Today my sister's daughters do not really know their mother's side of the family. They think their father's family is "better." Well that just isn't the case. We don't live far away, and we are not crazy or anything. There might actually be a few hoarders in there, but its all good.

 

I think you should reconsider and include her. I think you are trying to control life, and that just isn't how things work.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think you should reconsider and include her. I think you are trying to control life, and that just isn't how things work.

 

You come into an online community on your very first post when you don't know the OP and she doesn't know you and say something so harsh and full of judgment?:confused: