Update on my friend situation

[k2bdeutmeyer]

**WARNING: This is going to be long and disjointed.**

 

So breakfast was awkward at best. She wouldn't look at me or speak to me.

 

I called her this afternoon to try to and work things out. The first thing out of my mouth was "I think I upset you yesterday and I'm not sure how to fix it." She said "I'm not sure you can." I asked her exactly what was upsetting her.

 

As I suspected, she felt that she has done a lot for me (she has) and that I should've done this for her (I'm shortening that bit). She said she felt like I was "kicking her in the teeth" and just trying to turn a profit off her.

 

Then, she told me how she'd been upset with me for awhile. I knew that too. I've felt like the 3rd wheel for awhile now. I knew something was up. She said she has a problem with not saying things at the time and instead holding them in and then blowing up and that that was probably part of this.

 

Okay. I said that I didn't know what the "other things" were, but that I could understand her being upset about the current situation. I expressed my gratitude for all the things she HAS done for me and explained why I made the decisions I had made about the CD. I even said that I might have screwed up (I really feel that way). I felt like I had every business voice I had ever heard ringing through my head along with the voice of my husband and the fact that I knew that I have a tendency to let people walk all over me, so I did what I thought was the right (business) thing. I explained that I had offered the discount because I DID feel bad, because she IS such a good friend. And then, I said that maybe it wasn't the right thing to do this time.

 

This is where things get disjointed, because I don't remember how the conversation progressed. But, she told me that I was a VERY unhappy person (I'm not - though I definitely have my share of stressed out moments that I felt safe venting to my "friends"). She said that when she first saw me, she thought "what an unhappy person, wonder what I can do to make it better". Thus, our friendship began?!? (So, I was a charity friendship?)

 

She told me how I'm self-absorbed. She told me that I have myself spread too thin (I know this) - not in a caring way. She told me that there is only so much she can do to try to help me unless I try to help myself (not sure what this was about)?!? She told me that I need to take a serious moment to sit down and look at my life and decide what has to give. That I'm a stay at home mom and there is no reason I shouldn't be able to keep my house up. That I should be able to do all my duties. I need to sit down and say this day is for this, this day is for that.

 

**Note: I have ADD. This stuff is hard for me. I'm working on it. I'm learning what works for me. I'm learning to accept me for me & that I'm okay being me. I'm learning that I can't hold myself to other's standards or I will fail every time. I told her this.**

 

She told me how unhappy I am (I'm not). She told me I never smile (I do). She finally said that I did smile, but that it was never genuine (it is). She asked me if I am 100% happy with my life. Of course not....who is? Am I happy overall - yes! Do I have some seriously stressed, I'm going to lose it moments.....absolutely! I felt safe expressing them to her.

 

She told me that she was just flabbergasted that I would expect my 10yr old to keep her room clean. That when her SDD was that age she would help her. Well....again, I'm ADD. It was as overwhelming to me as it was to my ADD daughter. The implication was that I am a terribly overbearing, high expecting mother....my poor daughter.

 

She told me that while Nut Job loved the photos, she didn't like them at all. She felt she didn't even get what she asked for. (I can't offer a reshoot as one of SDD's sisters was in them and lives out of state) I told her that I agreed that they weren't my best work. I said that I am uncomfortable with groups & adults and that I know I don't work well with them, which is part of the reason I'm taking a hiatus. I'm not taking sessions right now, but I did this for her, because she's a friend. I expressed that I had a hard time working with this group especially because they were pushy. She told me I need to be more assertive.....I'm the photographer.

 

Well...isn't that what I was doing by enforcing my prices?!?

 

I told her that I wished she had approached this from a "I want to do this for Nut Job and I want you to help because I love your work. Would you be willing to donate your time....I'll cover your costs?" perspective. I probably would've said yes.

 

She told me that after I had my hair done I looked more confident and happy, but now I'm "back to slicking my hair back and not giving a crap". FWIW....I've NEVER been the type to do my hair and makeup all fancy every day. I'm also one with hair that doesn't look good on day 2. I have a 2yr old and can't always fit a shower in first thing in the morning, so I throw it in a pony tail to take my kids to preschool until I can shower in the afternoon.

 

I cried through the whole conversation. She never once sounded anything but angry/upset. I had no idea was a charity friend. I had no idea she was judging every move I made. I had no clue I shouldn't feel safe venting things to her.

 

I'm dumbfounded and so hurt right now. Part of me wants to give her the CD. Not to make her happy, but because I truly believe it probably WOULD be the right thing to do, but I know it won't be received the way I would intend. I have no other local friends. I don't know if I can ever be friends with her again without feeling like she scrutinizing everything I do and say.

 

I'm so, so, so hurt.

[kalanamak]

 

I'm so, so, so hurt.

 

 

:grouphug: In my experience, bitter people tell me I'm bitter, unhappy people tell me I'm unhappy, and thieving roommates accuse me first.

 

Personally, I'd get the money and run.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Oh, Kristin, I can understand why you would feel hurt. She is not a good friend at all. I hope that you can find some new healthier friends. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: (And I would not give her the CD.)

[Whereneverever]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am so, so sorry.

[bettyandbob]

She doesn't sound like a friend. "I decided to be your friend to help you?" Weird, what is that. It's like she thinks you owe her, b/c you were her project.

 

She's the one that is unhappy. She's really stressed. You have enough to do should not have to be attacked like this.

 

If it were me I might give her the CD and tell her not to contact me until she's pulled herself together. As an alternative I might say I need some space from her for a while.

[luvnlattes]

I am so, so sorry that this woman is treating you this way :grouphug: . It doesn't sound like she has ever been the friend you thought she was. I don't know what you should do about the business part of it but I would let this person go. :grouphug:

[fraidycat]

It sounds like this "friend" is really no friend at all. As much as it hurts, I would bid her good riddance and walk away.

 

My jaw actually dropped at some of the stuff she said to you. Pardon my french, but WHO THE H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is SHE to say how clean YOUR house should be? OR who does what work IN YOUR HOUSE? My SIX year old is responsible to keep his room picked up. I vacuum and dust, usually, but once in awhile that gets to be his job, too.

 

I am seriously angry on your behalf right now! Heart poundingly so, and I really want to call her bad names.

 

ETA: I would not give her the CD, AND there is no such thing as a self-absorbed SAH/HSing mother - and you probably are spread too thin - as in you don't spend ENOUGH time on YOU. Really. I still want to call her bad names.

 

(((HUGS)))

Edited February 29, 2012 by fraidycat

[chickenpatty]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry. Situations with "friends" can be so painful. :grouphug:

[BeachGirl]

This person is NOT a friend. They are taking their miserable life out on you. I know it is hard with ADD (I have it also). Give her the cd at no charge. Don't speak with her again. She seems to be in a bad place right now and expects you to conform to HER standards. You need to do what works for you and your family. She doesn't seem to fit into that right now. I have had people treat me like this. It sucks. Cutting them out of my life was the only way to get some sanity. I was finally able to look back at the interactions and see what kind of friend they truly were to me. Good luck. My prayers will be with you and your family. :grouphug:

[catz]

WOW! :grouphug: She sounds extremely judgmental and not like a friend at all to me. I'm so sorry. Judging the state of your house and your hair? Not to mention your parenting? Seriously? I'd hate for her to come over to my place right now. Some people don't mind having messy hair or a messy house and it doesn't make them unhappy at all. I have a friend that get twitchy in clean houses. My hair and house are quite in shambles much of the time!

 

I told her that I wished she had approached this from a "I want to do this for Nut Job and I want you to help because I love your work. Would you be willing to donate your time....I'll cover your costs?" perspective. I probably would've said yes.

 

 

This is my problem with this whole exchange. She didn't come to you up front with this frankly as a friend and all of a sudden there's a big blow up when there's money that's supposed to be exchanged for services? In particular, when she's used your services before and knows the drill.

 

:grouphug: In my experience, bitter people tell me I'm bitter, unhappy people tell me I'm unhappy, and thieving roommates accuse me first.

 

Personally, I'd get the money and run.

 

:iagree: She sounds very unhappy to me. If nothing she said is ringing true to you, it's not. It's all on her and it's not you. I could personally see just sending her the CD and washing your hands of the entire situation. Or not sending the CD and washing your hands of the entire situation. I'm so sorry again.

[LizzyBee]

It's awful that she unloaded on you like that. She is not your friend and you don't deserve to be treated that way. I'd probably just give her the CD and then have no further contact with her ever. Or I might break the CD into tiny bits and then have no further contact with her. :grouphug:

[jennsmile]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Crazy.

[elegantlion]

I've had a friendship where after we moved, I realized I had kind of been the charity "oh, we'll pray for you, dear" type of friend to another person. It stung for a long time, still does.

 

I think your photographs are beautiful, you have an eye. I know you've been hurting, and I've know times have been tight.

 

If she truly feels that way then you are better off without her. You have a beautiful and peaceful soul, you don't deserve this.

 

I'd be asking about that log in her own eye too!:glare:

[Danestress]

and then tomorrow, start looking for new friends.

 

I'm so sorry, but I think this relationship needs to die. I'm sure you were very fond of her, and she may be an awesome person. But there is too much about you that she thinks needs fixing, and now that you have heard it all, you will never really feel relaxed and at ease in her presence. You will always be wondering if your hair looks okay and if you need to fake a smile.

 

That's how it seems to me.

 

On the other hand, sometimes lovers have quarrels and speak hard truths to each other. Sometimes sisters deliver lists of the other's character defects. Sometimes mothers tell the daughters to truth even when it hurts, and sometimes the things are mixed with hotly spoken untruths. So if you love her, you maybe can slowly work your way back through this.

 

But my guess is that you are done. It sounds like she sees you as a "project" that isn't getting resolved as quickly as she hoped.

 

And as for the photo CDs, she knew your prices. I think even if she hoped you would discount her more, she shouldn't have said so.

[Happy2BaMom]

Honey,....I feel soooo bad for you.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I can understand your emotions - two and a half years ago, I lost my BFF over stupid s*** like what you describe. It took nearly two years of solid grieving and seemingly endless more amounts of **** for me to finally say (to myself) "I don't do crazy" and walk away. I also have many good acquaintances and only one good local friend (who is now moving....sigh). My former-BFF also fell into the 'habit' of judging me and what I did and how I acted, but what she didn't recognize is that she made the decision to judge FIRST and then was looking for things to justify her decision...which you can ALWAYS find when you decide first to judge.

 

DO NOT GIVE HER THAT CD!!! (OK, I'll stop shouting....:tongue_smilie:do what you want, but you were more than upfront with her and she is the one who is post-mortem manipulating.) I think you have to do your best to ignore your emotions (which want to reconnect with her at nearly all costs) and protect yourself, protect your right to live without endless negativity and judgment and withering criticism, and protect your right to be treated with respect and decency, especially when you are reaching out in earnest and sincere honesty.

 

From my experience, friendships don't come back from this point. She's already decided that she'd rather tear you apart than seek reconciliation - that is what is more important to her. My biggest regret, after nearly two years of being "good" to my former BFF, of being understanding and sympathetic and trying to keep the connection up, is that I didn't stand up for myself early on. The friendship would still be over, but I would have less of a feeling of being strung-out/strung-along and used as somebody's personal dumping ground for her unresolved "issues".

 

Best of luck. :grouphug:

[ErinE]

:grouphug: In my experience, bitter people tell me I'm bitter, unhappy people tell me I'm unhappy, and thieving roommates accuse me first.

 

Personally, I'd get the money and run.

 

Agreed! She's lashing out at you for something going on in her life.

[Hilltop]

Wow... I can't imagine saying those things to anyone, especially a friend!!

 

I would be hurt and upset too. Please try not to let what she said and how she treated you ruin your day/week/month/etc. I wouldn't consider someone who said those things to me a friend anymore.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Scuff]

It kinda reminds me of a situation we were in a few years ago. Does she have a string of broken relationships or a tendancy yo charity case others? Sometimes hindsight shows a pattern. It seems like she's personally attacking you now that she's not getting what she wants monetarily. I may be puuting too much personal experience on that, though. :grouphug: I'm sorry you're going through this. If it's any consolation, the truth came out and we were vindicated a year after the fact. Although it was very hurtful and confusing at the time.

[happyhomemaker25]

Honey, I say this with all of my heart. I had a friend say some stuff like this to me once. I listened and thought maybe they were right. Soon after the friendship ended. A few weeks later I was thinking about that last big conversation and realized she was all wrong. She'd projected stuff onto me that was NEVER there. She'd manipulated me by playing the "I did this for you" card way too many times. I was not the person she wanted to make me into so her project failed miserably.

I would say distance yourself from this friend and look at it with a new perspective. I bet you find that it's her that is unhappy. I bet you find she was trying to mold you into a new person.

I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

I don't want my friends to be all, "yes, men", but I do expect them to support me and encourage me. What she was doing is neither.

[Mommyof4ks]

Wow, she has some nerve projecting her issues onto you. I would start looking for new friends who put their children first and are trying to make their kids better people. Seriously, by 10 kids should be able to keep their own rooms clean, and they should be expected to do it. My house is a mess too, and it is because we live here, all of us, all of the time! Anyway, break the 'friendship' off and find someone who accepts you. As for the pictures; I would email her the best picture given the circumstances, but no way would I give her the CD.

[HappyCrazyMama]

Ouch!:grouphug:

Wow, I'm shocked, sad and angry reading that. No way would I give her the CD, she can pay your already offered discount and find herself a new project.:mad: How rude!

[QuirkyKidAcademy]

I'm so sorry. You deserve better.

[clementine]

Ugh. She is not a true friend. She unloaded on you what SHE thought. She was accusatory and mean. Nothing she said sounded like it came from a place of friendship and caring.

 

You deserve more. When this photography/CD transaction is completed, cut your ties with her - for your own sake. I hope she feels terrible!

 

:grouphug:

[Coffeetime]

:grouphug:

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine having to sit through that conversation. It makes me mad on your behalf just reading it! :glare:

It's clear she was never really your friend.

The personal attacks about your house, hair, smile- good grief! What an unhappy, pathetic human being she is.

Personally, I would mail her the CD, along with a note saying that under the circumstances you do not wish to have further contact with her.

But only because I would want to wash my hands of the entire affair and never have to risk dealing with that woman again. She's poisonous- toxic. Probably the last thing you need in your life. You deserve better.

:grouphug:

[Scuff]

I think I would just mail her the cd and delete the pics just to be done with it. Seeing it there would be a reminder and make me sad. But I think you should do whatever you feel is right and gives you peace. Perhaps she's having an off-the-deep-end moment. You can reconcile when she comes to her senses and apoligizes, if you choose. But I wouldn't count on it. Praying for you all.

[Rhonda in TX]

She is NOT a friend. I repeat, she is NOT a friend. You deserve so much better than that. I am so, so angry and heartbroken on your behalf. You do not need that kind of garbage in your life.

 

I think you need to just forget about the CD. Don't send it to her and don't ask for any money for it. Pretend it never happened and never, ever have anything to do with that woman again.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

A friend would never tear you down like that, regardless of the beef she has with you. I can't get over all the things she decided to criticize you about--that's insane.

[KRG]

:grouphug: She is not your friend. Let her go and do not offer the CD.

[Ester Maria]

Unless she is an *extremely* close friend of yours - one of those friends with whom an outburst or two of brutal honesty and unsolicited criticism in such words are to be expected, swallowed, and forgiven as a part of the package - a conversation like that would be a complete deal breaker for me.

 

I would sleep on it, just in case that my perception is messing up with me a little right now while I am still emotional. But wow, I doubt that after having slept on it I would reason much differently.

 

Also, I would send her the CD, with no strings attached to it, in an attempt to close that chapter in your life with a last grace on your part - and then I would MOVE ON, to other people, who are going to appreciate you for who you are and who are not going to allow themselves these types of conversations. You deserve better.

 

:grouphug:

[Beth.]

Who talks to anyone like that?? It was cruel. She is trying to manipulate you into giving her what she wants. I think you gave the name Nut Job to the wrong person in your original thread ... she clearly deserves the title. :glare:

[elegantlion]

I would probably mail her the CD with an invoice. :glare: Then if she chooses not to pay, leave it and write it off.

 

The CD is for the girl whose mother is ill. Kristin, if I'm guessing you right you'd probably feel bad if the mother passes away and they don't have those pictures. Then you'll be the bad guy that didn't let SDD have the last real photos of her and her mother. Either way you get stuck.

 

I wouldn't do anything today, wait until Friday or Monday to decide.

 

Then I'd schedule that trip to IKEA and have a very special field trip of your own.

[Word Nerd]

I would probably give her the CD and let the relationship go. I read the other thread, and you did nothing wrong. She doesn't sound like a good friend to me. :grouphug:

[5knights3maidens]

I didn't read what others posted but I'm sorry to say that this woman is and has never been your friend. What she said was hurtful to say the least. You have done nothing wrong.

[HappyCrazyMama]

Who talks to anyone like that?? It was cruel. She is trying to manipulate you into giving her what she wants. I think you gave the name Nut Job to the wrong person in your original thread ... she clearly deserves the title. :glare:

:iagree: This is why I say don't give it to her, she didn't like them anyway.:glare:

[Evergreen State Sue]

She told me that I have myself spread too thin (I know this) - not in a caring way. She told me that there is only so much she can do to try to help me unless I try to help myself (not sure what this was about)?!? She told me that I need to take a serious moment to sit down and look at my life and decide what has to give. That I'm a stay at home mom and there is no reason I shouldn't be able to keep my house up. That I should be able to do all my duties. I need to sit down and say this day is for this, this day is for that.

 

 

 

If she knew you were spread too thin, then why did she ask you to do this photo shoot?

 

I think if you sit down and decide what has to give - it would be this so called friend who was not upfront about what she wanted from you.

 

I'm so sorry. I hope things will look better soon.

[Harriet Vane]

**WARNING: This is going to be long and disjointed.**

 

So breakfast was awkward at best. She wouldn't look at me or speak to me.

 

I called her this afternoon to try to and work things out. The first thing out of my mouth was "I think I upset you yesterday and I'm not sure how to fix it." She said "I'm not sure you can." I asked her exactly what was upsetting her.

 

As I suspected, she felt that she has done a lot for me (she has) and that I should've done this for her (I'm shortening that bit). She said she felt like I was "kicking her in the teeth" and just trying to turn a profit off her.

 

Then, she told me how she'd been upset with me for awhile. I knew that too. I've felt like the 3rd wheel for awhile now. I knew something was up. She said she has a problem with not saying things at the time and instead holding them in and then blowing up and that that was probably part of this.

 

Okay. I said that I didn't know what the "other things" were, but that I could understand her being upset about the current situation. I expressed my gratitude for all the things she HAS done for me and explained why I made the decisions I had made about the CD. I even said that I might have screwed up (I really feel that way). I felt like I had every business voice I had ever heard ringing through my head along with the voice of my husband and the fact that I knew that I have a tendency to let people walk all over me, so I did what I thought was the right (business) thing. I explained that I had offered the discount because I DID feel bad, because she IS such a good friend. And then, I said that maybe it wasn't the right thing to do this time.

 

This is where things get disjointed, because I don't remember how the conversation progressed. But, she told me that I was a VERY unhappy person (I'm not - though I definitely have my share of stressed out moments that I felt safe venting to my "friends"). She said that when she first saw me, she thought "what an unhappy person, wonder what I can do to make it better". Thus, our friendship began?!? (So, I was a charity friendship?)

 

She told me how I'm self-absorbed. She told me that I have myself spread too thin (I know this) - not in a caring way. She told me that there is only so much she can do to try to help me unless I try to help myself (not sure what this was about)?!? She told me that I need to take a serious moment to sit down and look at my life and decide what has to give. That I'm a stay at home mom and there is no reason I shouldn't be able to keep my house up. That I should be able to do all my duties. I need to sit down and say this day is for this, this day is for that.

 

**Note: I have ADD. This stuff is hard for me. I'm working on it. I'm learning what works for me. I'm learning to accept me for me & that I'm okay being me. I'm learning that I can't hold myself to other's standards or I will fail every time. I told her this.**

 

She told me how unhappy I am (I'm not). She told me I never smile (I do). She finally said that I did smile, but that it was never genuine (it is). She asked me if I am 100% happy with my life. Of course not....who is? Am I happy overall - yes! Do I have some seriously stressed, I'm going to lose it moments.....absolutely! I felt safe expressing them to her.

 

She told me that she was just flabbergasted that I would expect my 10yr old to keep her room clean. That when her SDD was that age she would help her. Well....again, I'm ADD. It was as overwhelming to me as it was to my ADD daughter. The implication was that I am a terribly overbearing, high expecting mother....my poor daughter.

 

She told me that while Nut Job loved the photos, she didn't like them at all. She felt she didn't even get what she asked for. (I can't offer a reshoot as one of SDD's sisters was in them and lives out of state) I told her that I agreed that they weren't my best work. I said that I am uncomfortable with groups & adults and that I know I don't work well with them, which is part of the reason I'm taking a hiatus. I'm not taking sessions right now, but I did this for her, because she's a friend. I expressed that I had a hard time working with this group especially because they were pushy. She told me I need to be more assertive.....I'm the photographer.

 

Well...isn't that what I was doing by enforcing my prices?!?

 

I told her that I wished she had approached this from a "I want to do this for Nut Job and I want you to help because I love your work. Would you be willing to donate your time....I'll cover your costs?" perspective. I probably would've said yes.

 

She told me that after I had my hair done I looked more confident and happy, but now I'm "back to slicking my hair back and not giving a crap". FWIW....I've NEVER been the type to do my hair and makeup all fancy every day. I'm also one with hair that doesn't look good on day 2. I have a 2yr old and can't always fit a shower in first thing in the morning, so I throw it in a pony tail to take my kids to preschool until I can shower in the afternoon.

 

I cried through the whole conversation. She never once sounded anything but angry/upset. I had no idea was a charity friend. I had no idea she was judging every move I made. I had no clue I shouldn't feel safe venting things to her.

 

I'm dumbfounded and so hurt right now. Part of me wants to give her the CD. Not to make her happy, but because I truly believe it probably WOULD be the right thing to do, but I know it won't be received the way I would intend. I have no other local friends. I don't know if I can ever be friends with her again without feeling like she scrutinizing everything I do and say.

 

I'm so, so, so hurt.

 

This conversation was inappropriate. Absolutely inappropriate.

 

She was wrong to describe your friendship in those terms. That is nothing short of mean.

 

She had no business criticizing either your hair or your house or your parenting or whether or not you smile. Those are all issues that are unrelated to the photographs. No matter what the circumstances, those things are NOT things she or anyone else has any business criticizing. I cannot stress enough how completely inappropriate those comments are.

 

Second, you are a professional photographer. She knows this, and she has paid for your services before. If she wanted a donation, she should have asked for one up front. Do not apologize and do not feel badly for this.

 

And it was mean to criticize the photographs, especially after she had previously raved about them. She is being petty.

 

She threw a temper tantrum, and you are her punching bag on this. I think your friendship is done, and I am really sorry. Truly, really sorry.

 

Don't apologize to her any more. Don't.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

You all are so wonderful. My head is pounding. I think I've cried all the tears I can cry in the last 4hr.

 

I think I need to send/give her the CD....for ME. I know if she had approached me about it as a charity venture we would partner in, I would've done it. This isn't about me, or her. It's about her SDD.

[amyrjoy]

:iagree: This is why I say don't give it to her, she didn't like them anyway.:glare:

 

I'm thinking along these lines, too. Definitely.

 

I am SOOO sorry for your friendship hurts. I've had plenty. The ups and downs are not fun at all. :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

You all are so wonderful. My head is pounding. I think I've cried all the tears I can cry in the last 4hr.

 

I think I need to send/give her the CD....for ME. I know if she had approached me about it as a charity venture we would partner in, I would've done it. This isn't about me, or her. It's about her SDD.

 

Make sure you tell her what to do with the self-absorbed comment when you do. ...wait, you're nicer than I am. You could think it though. ;)

[jujsky]

I would give her the CD, but only because I would want to get rid of it and not deal with it anymore. If I had to print/edit/copy any of those pictures or look at them again for any reason, that entire conversation would wash over me. I wouldn't want to give it to her because she was right (she's not) but because the CD would have become almost a toxic item in my mind. Too many bad feelings attached to it so it wouldn't be worth it for me. I'd chalk it up as a loss.

 

I'm sorry she hurt you :grouphug: You did the right thing in calling her and trying to clear the air. I also think you were right in the way you handled the photo shoot. If she wanted you to do it for free, that should have been expressed. If she didn't ask, she shouldn't have assumed you would do it for free.

[NanceXToo]

I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

 

This is what I think I would do.

 

I would send her a letter in the mail, along with the CD.

 

The letter would say something like,

 

Dear Friend:

 

I am sending you this CD because part of me has been feeling all along like it would be the nice thing to do as a friend, because I know you have done a lot for me in the past, and because if your stepdaughter's mother passes away, it would be nice for her to have these memories of her mother.

 

I have tried to make the right decisions from a business standpoint and to keep business and friendships separate. In my line of business, most of my income initially comes from friends and family, and then word of mouth, and if I don't make money there, where would I make it? As you know, my family has also been having financial difficulties, and my equipment is very expensive, and so I told myself a long time ago I would not offer discounts, etc. even to friends in order to support my family and meet my expenses. In this case, I DID make an exception because I valued our friendship and because of the circumstances. Perhaps I should have offered more of a discount, or offered my time for free this one time. Perhaps you should have approached me initially and outright asked if I would donate my time. But what's done is done and I can't take it back. I'm sorry you were hurt by that.

 

I hope that by sending you this CD you feel that I've made some amends.

 

But the truth is, I am hurt, too. I'm hurt by a lot of the things you said to me during our conversation. I'm hurt that someone I thought was a dear friend brought up so many things that I had no idea were going through her mind, judging my parenting, my appearance, my home, my organizational skills, my personality. It hurts to think that any friendship we resume in the future will always feel like its under constant scrutinization, that I will always have to wonder if you are judging everything I say and do, when I always thought you were a safe person to talk to and be myself around.

 

I'm sorry it has come to this and I wish you would have just been honest with me up front over what your wishes and expectations were when you asked me to do this photo shoot, but I hope this makes up for my part in any wrongdoing you saw.

 

----

 

 

 

A little bit of amends, a little bit of food for thought for her part in this, maybe she'll think through her part in things, maybe she'll apologize, maybe you guys will be able to work things out, I don't know. And I say this only because you've called her a "very dear friend" who has done a lot for you etc. It sounds like you're both hurt right now. I'm so sorry that it came to this. :(

[Catwoman]

Who talks to anyone like that?? It was cruel. She is trying to manipulate you into giving her what she wants. I think you gave the name Nut Job to the wrong person in your original thread ... she clearly deserves the title. :glare:

 

:iagree:

 

She is not a friend, and it appears that she has never been a true friend. My opinion is that she's envious of you and is trying to cut you down to make herself feel better about her own life. And she's angry because she wasn't able to use you and take advantage of you, and get the CD for free. (Do NOT give it to her -- for crying out loud, she even said she didn't like the photos! :angry:)

 

She has no right to make personal judgments about how you keep your house or how you treat your family or how often you style your hair. She was being calculatedly vicious, and I think she is a horrible person.

 

I'm so sorry you had to see her true colors in such a hurtful way, but please write her off completely and pretend you never even took the photos unless she sends you a check for the full amount in the mail.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[dirty ethel rackham]

:grouphug: In my experience, bitter people tell me I'm bitter, unhappy people tell me I'm unhappy, and thieving roommates accuse me first.

 

Personally, I'd get the money and run.

 

Amen! She doesn't sound like a friend at all. She was not in this relationship for friendship ... she had her own motives and agenda.

[Grover]

That is NOT a friend.

 

If the business transaction has been concluded (i.e. you've been paid) then send the CD, if not, don't. It sounds like she's just trying to bully you into to sending it for free now.

 

You deserve more, you are worth more, and no friend would treat another the way she has treated you.

[mlktwins]

I

The CD is for the girl whose mother is ill. Kristin, if I'm guessing you right you'd probably feel bad if the mother passes away and they don't have those pictures. Then you'll be the bad guy that didn't let SDD have the last real photos of her and her mother. Either way you get stuck.

 

 

This was my thought about the CD as well. SDD didn't ask for any of this and I think it would be lovely that SHE have the beautiful pictures you took of her and her mom (NJ though she is).

 

I think I need to send/give her the CD....for ME. I know if she had approached me about it as a charity venture we would partner in, I would've done it. This isn't about me, or her. It's about her SDD.

 

This would be me too! Do what you feel is right in your heart, then let it go!!!

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry she said those horrible things to you. She sounds toxic and I would stay far, far away from her!!!

[funschooler5]

First of all, :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Second of all, *don't* give her the CD!! She is trying to make your work seem worthless by saying she never really liked the photos. Don't believe her! If you really feel that bad about it *maybe* give it to the step-mom yourself, but I wouldn't give it to your friend, especially not after the conversation you had. No true friend (or even a decent acquaintance) would say the things she said to you. She sounds like a very bitter person.

 

As for the business end of it...I'm so angry on your behalf. I've been self-employed for several years, and I know what it's like to get charity/discount/donation spiel again and again. "Oh, this is for a church/sick person/school, so we should get a discount or you should donate it." Why? Not to be insensitive, but if this were really true, funeral homes would have to give away *all* of their business.

 

People just do not understand the time and money that is put in to being self employed, especially when you have a service business, and especially when your job is something that you enjoy. If you enjoy doing it, why not do it for free? Um, because you need to make a living! You have to pay for your equipment, taxes, utilities, etc, etc. You do not get a regular paycheck every week.

 

Again, the fact that she is (just now) saying that she didn't like the photos leads me to believe that she is still trying to get you to give them to her for free, when she knew darn well from the beginning what your price was. If you give them to her for free, then it is *you* not *her* giving her SD and the SM a gift. *You* are the one that is out the money, time, not to mention stress. What has she done to contribute to this gift? She came up with the idea. That's it.

 

More :grouphug:, and you are better off without this "friend."

[Harriet Vane]

You all are so wonderful. My head is pounding. I think I've cried all the tears I can cry in the last 4hr.

 

I think I need to send/give her the CD....for ME. I know if she had approached me about it as a charity venture we would partner in, I would've done it. This isn't about me, or her. It's about her SDD.

 

Can you consider giving her a note? Something like: "The things you said about me were untrue and unkind and absolutely inappropriate."

 

Either way, though, I would not continue in this so-called charity friendship. I doubt you will ever be able to trust her again.

 

I had a similar experience, with someone very, very dear to me. The first time, I forgave her and we rebuilt the friendship. The next time she went crazy on me I realized I had been stupid to trust her. It still hurts to think of her.

[serene]

I think I need to send/give her the CD....for ME. I know if she had approached me about it as a charity venture we would partner in, I would've done it. This isn't about me, or her. It's about her SDD.

 

 

If you're going to give the cd to anyone, why not give it to Molly? Your 'friend' said she didn't even like the photos, and she won't be the one to truly appreciate them anyway. Send it as a gift to the daughter.

 

 

:grouphug: sorry your day has been rotten because of this mess.

[brehon]

:grouphug: In my experience, bitter people tell me I'm bitter, unhappy people tell me I'm unhappy, and thieving roommates accuse me first.

 

Personally, I'd get the money and run.

 

 

:iagree::iagree: I also think she's still trying to take advantage of you emotionally and financially. If you give her the CD I feel sure that in a week or two you'd find that "everything" would suddenly be fine (on her end, mind you; not yours) and she might even offer a half-hearted "apology" because she was "stressed" and surely you understand and how about I treat you to coffee. All because you "agreed" with her about giving away your talent and time for free. :glare:

 

Don't give her the CD or anything else. Either she pays or she doesn't get the photos/CD. You are worth a lot more.

[Jean in Newcastle]

First of all, :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Second of all, *don't* give her the CD!! She is trying to make your work seem worthless by saying she never really liked the photos. Don't believe her! If you really feel that bad about it *maybe* give it to the step-mom yourself, but I wouldn't give it to your friend, especially not after the conversation you had. No true friend (or even a decent acquaintance) would say the things she said to you. She sounds like a very bitter person.

 

As for the business end of it...I'm so angry on your behalf. I've been self-employed for several years, and I know what it's like to get charity/discount/donation spiel again and again. "Oh, this is for a church/sick person/school, so we should get a discount or you should donate it." Why? Not to be insensitive, but if this were really true, funeral homes would have to give away *all* of their business.

 

People just do not understand the time and money that is put in to being self employed, especially when you have a service business, and especially when your job is something that you enjoy. If you enjoy doing it, why not do it for free? Um, because you need to make a living! You have to pay for your equipment, taxes, utilities, etc, etc. You do not get a regular paycheck every week.

 

Again, the fact that she is (just now) saying that she didn't like the photos leads me to believe that she is still trying to get you to give them to her for free, when she knew darn well from the beginning what your price was. If you give them to her for free, then it is *you* not *her* giving her SD and the SM a gift. *You* are the one that is out the money, time, not to mention stress. What has she done to contribute to this gift? She came up with the idea. That's it.

 

More :grouphug:, and you are better off without this "friend."

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: