Update on my friend situation

[amydavis]

Oh, honey! :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Losing a friend hurts so much. ...losing one who turns out not to be the person you thought she was is so much worse. You lose the friend, and the history of your friendship... the memories themselves are tainted.

 

My advice:

 

1) Make no decisions now. Set aside the CD (a padded envelope in a box on a high shelf in a closet, perhaps), and postpone that decision. There is no urgency, no reason it couldn't be dealt with next week or next month instead of this, right? Don't email her, or call her; set her aside as well.

 

2) Allow yourself to grieve. The loss of a really close friendship is a mini-death - don't discount the intensity of your emotions.

 

3) When you are through the worst of the grief, and can think a little more clearly, write a letter to her, talk through all your feelings, analyze the relationship (if that is your style), let it all out - the grief, the anger, the self-doubt, the love you had for her. ...and then burn it, or tear it up, or put it in a sealed envelope packed well away. 'Cause it wasn't really for *her*, it was for the person you thought she was. ...but you have to let go of her, she was an illusion. ...a beautiful one, but ephemeral.

 

4) Then revisit the issue of the photos/CDs. Don't worry about 'letting her win', her character development isn't your problem... G-d will handle that! Figure out what you need to do to feel right with yourself. ...what is your goal? If any of it turns out to be about making a point to *her* then set it all aside for a while longer. It isn't about her.

 

If you decide you want Molly and/or her bio-Mom to have some or all of these photos, then you have logistical options, as others have pointed out. If you do decide to send them to her, and let her deal with passing them on, you do not need to include a note, or any kind of explanation... you could include a card for Molly or her bio-Mom, but you don't have to engage with this lady.

 

...but, please, consider setting it aside for a little while, until you can think clearly. I know I cannot make rational decisions when I am grieving...

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am so sorry you are going through this... you deserve a friend who values how wonderful you are, and loves you for yourself, imperfections and all!

:iagree:

Well said, especially the part about mourning the loss of a friend, as well as the memories, which are now tainted.

[HeidiKC]

omigosh, I am so sorry you're going through this! I agree that she is a horrible friend...not really a friend. But I don't believe that she took you on as a charity case. She may have thought you weren't smiling when she met you, but I sincerely doubt she decided to make you her project because of that (especially because she doesn't even seem that "caring"!).

 

I think she must be in a bad, nasty place in her life right now. Who knows what has caused her to be this way with you, since you said she is normally very sweet. I'm guessing she probably did care about you and just because of the way she's treated you this week doesn't mean that your friendship was never real. People sometimes say awful things they don't mean when they are upset (although it is hard to understand why she has so much anger directed at you). Yeah, maybe it bugs her that your house is a mess and your hair isn't fixed up (what is her deal? she must be perfect), but that still doesn't mean she didn't consider you a real friend and respect you. I think she must have some issues and all the anger is coming out. I wouldn't be surprised if she feels terrible about the way she's treated you. What normal person wouldn't?!

 

BUT...even if she saw herself as a real friend, I don't mean you should try to mend this friendship. As you said, you'll never feel completely free to be yourself around her and will always feel she's judging you, etc. I think you need to be DONE with this friendship. So hard and painful, I know.

 

I don't know about the other ladies. Are they people you'd like to continue a friendship with? If so, I'd call them and somehow make arrangements to continue to get together at another time even if it is irregularly. I'd probably just say either you've had a falling out...or even that she said some hurtful things.

 

This will be painful for a while, but you'll find a MUCH better friend down the road!

[happi duck]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[funschooler5]

I know a few people have made suggestions on how you could handle the situation in such a way as to possibly salvage the friendship, but my question is this -- why would anyone want to save a friendship with such a horrible woman? :confused:

 

My feeling is that if you can get the CD or a few photos to the woman or the daughter without contacting Evil Former Friend, that would be fine, but I would never, ever, ever send the CD to someone who was so incredibly mean and heartless.

 

Please realize that she was trying to get you to work for free. She initially agreed to pay for your work because she figured she'd be able to take advantage of your good nature and weasel out of paying when the photos were ready. When it didn't work out the way she'd planned, she couldn't stand it that she wasn't winning and that you weren't doing whatever she told you to do, so she went off on you.

 

I'll bet, if you think back over the duration of the friendship, that she was in control most of the time. Did she usually decide where you went and when you went out together? Was she usually the one giving the "helpful advice" while you sat there and listened? I say this because she sounds like a control freak who finally didn't get her way and couldn't deal with it.

 

I like a previous poster's idea to send her an invoice for the full agreed-upon amount, with a note stating that you will mail her the CD upon receipt of her payment in full. Make it extremely impersonal and businesslike. It will hammer home the fact that you're not going to be taken advantage of, as well as let her know she is now nothing more to you than a non-paying customer.

 

If you send her the CD for free, no matter what your intentions, she will feel that she has won and you are a complete gullible loser.

 

I'm so sorry you're so sad and upset. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: with all of this, especially the bolded.

 

I don't think this lady deserves any more of the OP's time.

[funschooler5]

She certainly doesn't sound like a good friend. I don't mean that friends can't pour it all out, especially in a time of stress, but *what* she poured out makes it look like this wasn't an equal, honest relationship.

 

:leaving:

 

However, I don't think I would've been able to charge her for the photographs in her situation. It seems that the fact that the dying woman was awful, was somehow a factor in your decision to charge them for the photos, otherwise you would not have mentioned this. But it shouldn't have been. What if it was a lovely, loved by everyone woman? Would you have felt the same? It shouldn't have matter, because you were essentially dealing with your friend and her daughter (who, at that time, still didn't reveal all this lovely information about your friendship).

 

Not only that, but charging either of them was not a good business decision. Volunteering time and services to the dying is a great business step for any photographer. If I had a choice between two equally talented photographers, and one of them donated her services to the parents of still birth babies, for example, it is clear who I would've chosen.

 

In addition, you mentioned that it wasn't your best work, and that the session didn't go very well, as you were stressed out. Personally, I wouldn't be able to charge a client if I knew my work wasn't my best. At that point, even if I intended to charge the client, I would have waived the fee.

 

Personally, I wouldn't have felt right on the inside, to charge a dying person, especially in your situation. I would've either refused, or donated my services. Business is business, but this simply wouldn't feel right. Because of this, I would've been taken aback if a good friend didn't donate her services if the situation were reversed.

 

I also think that in highly emotionally charged situations, when death and friendship are involved, it is not when we are to choose business over friendship. Exactly because this would never go well. However, in your case, maybe it did go well--you know now that this person's friendship wasn't genuine.

 

In any case, I'm really sorry you ended up losing the friendship. The whole situation was very awkward for both of you. But the problem is not that she was upset, but that she didn't value your friendship.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

But she wasn't charging a dying woman, she was charging her friend (and at a discount). Her friend was supposed to be the one giving the gift to the mom and the daughter, but the friend decided that the OP should be the one to bear the expenses of the gift. And she decided to inform the OP of this *after* the price was agreed upon and the work was complete.

[tex-mex]

What a HORRIBLE mean spirited person. :glare:

 

I had to stop reading the OP's letter half way when I got fed up with her so-called friend's foolishness. That woman is bitter and vindictive. The OP is lucky to find this out now. I am sorry she is going thru this. Some "friend" indeed.

[awisha.]

Post #159 is SPAM and has been reported.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Wow, she's a terrible person.

 

To keep such a list of criticisms of you is weird and creepy. I would never talk to her again. I agree with you about sending the CD. I think it's the easiest way to be done and over with it.

 

As for the other ladies....IDK. If you want to be friends with them, you should. Otherwise, it might just be easier to move on from the whole group.

 

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

 

:iagree:

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Mommyfaithe]

Sounds like friend & nut job are both Nut Jobs. And ftr, I am a business owner. We do HVAC and plumbing. If we work our trade for friends, we charge them....we give them a "service Agreement discount", but we do bill them.

 

If a friend asks for help moving the piano, or painting the porch, we do not charge.....that is being a good friend and neighbor.

 

My GF is a hairdresser. I would never expect her to cutm my hair without paying her GOING rate. I am just happy to have someone I trust to do a good job.

 

 

I am sorry your friend turned on you over a business deal.....but, better it happen than she harbor I'll will and bust forth over some other issue.....sigh.

 

You did nothing wrong. Love is NOT an expectation. She has issues.

 

Faithe

[kwg]

But she wasn't charging a dying woman, she was charging her friend (and at a discount). Her friend was supposed to be the one giving the gift to the mom and the daughter, but the friend decided that the OP should be the one to bear the expenses of the gift. And she decided to inform the OP of this *after* the price was agreed upon and the work was complete.

 

:iagree:

 

A friend who used her services and paid full price in the past. They had a history of doing business. If evil friend wanted a change, why not just say that?

[DawnM]

That is truly awful! I would agree with getting paid for whatever she owes you and severing all ties. She is and will continue to DRAG YOU DOWN!

 

If someone told me I needed to clean my house and do my hair and make up, I would run for the hills. My true friends know I don't do any of those things well, nor do I care about make up in general.

 

In fact, those EXTERNAL things shouldn't make a difference at all in a real friendship.

 

Add to that, a true friend wouldn't have said half the things she said to you. The only time my very good friends have said things like that, they have been genuine concern and not a "let me fix you" conversation.

 

Dawn

[southcarolinamom]

I'm so sorry :grouphug:.

 

It sounds as though your friend is trying to manipulate/guilt you into giving her what she wanted. Your professional services are worth your time and money. Don't doubt yourself.

[Word Nerd]

 

Personally, I wouldn't have felt right on the inside, to charge a dying person, especially in your situation. I would've either refused, or donated my services. Business is business, but this simply wouldn't feel right. Because of this, I would've been taken aback if a good friend didn't donate her services if the situation were reversed.

 

The OP did not at any point charge a dying person (though I didn't realize people expect that those who are dying should get all their goods and services donated by the businesses they use). You would have been in the wrong if you arranged for professional services, agreed to the usual rate, and then expected the OP to eat the cost herself after the fact.

Edited March 1, 2012 by WordGirl

[ezrabean2005]

:grouphug::grouphug:

She doesn't sound like a nice person.

FWIW it sounds like SHE has more underlying unhappiness.

I'm sorry she hurt you, I'd be very hurt too.

 

Please walk away from this relationship.

You are worth WAY more than this, sweetie.

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

**Idea for the CD: What about YOU picking out the best picture from the CD. Maybe even 2 or 3 and printing them and giving them to the step-daughter in a nice frame. Then the step daughter has what you wanted her to have without the step-mom or mom drama.**

Edited March 1, 2012 by ezrabean2005

[Alicia64]

First of all, :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Second of all, *don't* give her the CD!! She is trying to make your work seem worthless by saying she never really liked the photos. Don't believe her! If you really feel that bad about it *maybe* give it to the step-mom yourself, but I wouldn't give it to your friend, especially not after the conversation you had. No true friend (or even a decent acquaintance) would say the things she said to you. She sounds like a very bitter person.

 

As for the business end of it...I'm so angry on your behalf. I've been self-employed for several years, and I know what it's like to get charity/discount/donation spiel again and again. "Oh, this is for a church/sick person/school, so we should get a discount or you should donate it." Why? Not to be insensitive, but if this were really true, funeral homes would have to give away *all* of their business.

 

People just do not understand the time and money that is put in to being self employed, especially when you have a service business, and especially when your job is something that you enjoy. If you enjoy doing it, why not do it for free? Um, because you need to make a living! You have to pay for your equipment, taxes, utilities, etc, etc. You do not get a regular paycheck every week.

 

Again, the fact that she is (just now) saying that she didn't like the photos leads me to believe that she is still trying to get you to give them to her for free, when she knew darn well from the beginning what your price was. If you give them to her for free, then it is *you* not *her* giving her SD and the SM a gift. *You* are the one that is out the money, time, not to mention stress. What has she done to contribute to this gift? She came up with the idea. That's it.

 

More :grouphug:, and you are better off without this "friend."

 

:iagree: I only read to page 5 so forgive me if I've missed something important. This person is a major game player. She is playing a game on you now. She didn't get what she wanted so now she's "punishing" you by being absolutely vile.

 

Whenever someone is totally vile like this I start to wonder about narcissistic personality disorder. You might want to google it.

 

You're "so, so hurt" because you've been attacked. You're a normal person. Normal people become so, so hurt when they've been viciously attacked.

 

No friend is better than this friend.

 

Let us know how you are.

 

Alley

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I don't have the energy to go back and look for the posts I want to quote, so I'm just going to respond :)

 

Yes, I am an native Iowan.....however I have found the previous poster's sentiment to be true occasionally - especially with small town women. DH is from a small town and I had to realize that I wasn't ever going to break into his friend group's small group of women. They are generally nice people, just not very accepting o "outsiders". As a whole though? I hope not....or it would be true of me too.

 

I've hashed through the charging/not charging thing. I made what I felt was a good and sound business decision. Should the weight of a "friendship" won over in this case, maybe. However (ironically), I was trying to do exactly what she said & be assertive as the owner of my business.

 

As far as them not being my best work. I never said they weren't good pictures. They just weren't my BEST work. They weren't anything special or overly creative. She wanted me to be "creative". These are pretty standard studio shots....but technically good studio shots.

 

I keep everything on an external hard drive, so the files themselves are not going anywhere. I haven't decided how to handle the CD yet. I feel no need to "make a point" or "settle the score" with "friend". Should I choose to provide the CD to "Molly" and her mother (even if it is through "friend") it will be for ME. Because I think it is the right thing to do at this point.

[Alicia64]

Sounds like friend & nut job are both Nut Jobs.

 

You did nothing wrong. Love is NOT an expectation. She has issues.

 

 

 

:iagree: This is exactly what I was thinking: they're both nut jobs. Now I'm feeling sorry for the dh.

 

Alley

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I forgot - I also wanted to say that after having all night to think through things, I think the thing that hurts the most is knowing that I trusted her and made myself vulnerable by sharing my weaknesses and she, like another poster said, was taking notes and threw it ALL back in my face.

 

She's seen things and knows things that I hadn't ever shown or told anyone else. I allowed her, and another friend from the group (the one she's closer to now) to come in my home and help me clean & organize my bedroom. It was the catchall at our house, but it was nothing like Hoarders or anything. I was scared to let them in....and felt so, so, so vulnerable in that moment. Now, I feel so embarassed and betrayed.

 

There are, obviously, plenty more examples, but THAT is what is eating at me.

[Ibbygirl]

I forgot - I also wanted to say that after having all night to think through things, I think the thing that hurts the most is knowing that I trusted her and made myself vulnerable by sharing my weaknesses and she, like another poster said, was taking notes and threw it ALL back in my face.

 

She's seen things and knows things that I hadn't ever shown or told anyone else. I allowed her, and another friend from the group (the one she's closer to now) to come in my home and help me clean & organize my bedroom. It was the catchall at our house, but it was nothing like Hoarders or anything. I was scared to let them in....and felt so, so, so vulnerable in that moment. Now, I feel so embarassed and betrayed.

 

There are, obviously, plenty more examples, but THAT is what is eating at me.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Oh that's so horrible what she did to you. :( I can't even imagine how difficult it must have been for you to trust them enough to let them see you at your most vulnerable and then for them to betray you they way they did is just so awful! :( It makes me mad. You sound like such a wonderful person and like you would be such a great friend. I know I would be honored to have a friend like you in my real life. I wish could have you over to my house for a coffee (and dessert :tongue_smilie:) and treat you with the kindness and respect that you deserve.

 

It's their loss I say. :grouphug::grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

I forgot - I also wanted to say that after having all night to think through things, I think the thing that hurts the most is knowing that I trusted her and made myself vulnerable by sharing my weaknesses and she, like another poster said, was taking notes and threw it ALL back in my face.

She's seen things and knows things that I hadn't ever shown or told anyone else. I allowed her, and another friend from the group (the one she's closer to now) to come in my home and help me clean & organize my bedroom. It was the catchall at our house, but it was nothing like Hoarders or anything. I was scared to let them in....and felt so, so, so vulnerable in that moment. Now, I feel so embarassed and betrayed.

 

There are, obviously, plenty more examples, but THAT is what is eating at me.

 

In red, I have been there - I know. It's like adding insult to injury.

 

The good news is the way you feel will pass.:grouphug: Please console yourself with the fact that you did nothing wrong. Please try not to dwell on it (especially since it is more than 24 hours since it happened -- when you find yourself thinking about it simply tell yourself that THAT moment is over, it is in the past, and you are living in the present --and make yourself think about ANYTHING other than her hateful behavior -- IT DOES WORK!).:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[SKL]

I think your friend is at a low in her life. She has lost her filter. That's pretty significant, if you think about it.

 

Sometimes it's good to know what people "really" think of you so you can shake off your attachment to them and move on with more positive pursuits and relationships.

 

I don't know what you should do about the CD. If she didn't like your work, then why would she want it in electronic format anyway? If she doesn't want to pay you, she is entitled to nothing. And personally, I would not want to be in a position where I am forcing someone to pay me for something they don't want to buy. This may be a case for you cutting your losses and moving on. But only you can decide that.

 

ETA: Oh, and by the way - stop agreeing with her when she puts you down. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Please focus on your strengths; it's a lot healthier for all involved.

Edited March 1, 2012 by SKL

[scrappyhappymama]

:grouphug: Several years back, I was horribly betrayed in the worst possible way by someone I thought was my best friend. I've never been one to make friends easily or to have many close friends, so this was particularly devastating to me. So I understand how very hurt and manipulated you must feel now. I'm so very sorry. At the time, even despite the magnitude of the betrayal, there was some part of me desperate to find some way to mend the friendship. Especially because we don't live in a vacuum, so severing that relationship completely would mean cutting myself off from other people I cared about deeply (parents, children, other mutual friends). In some situations, it wouldn't mean sacrificing the other relationships, but in this case it was a necessity.

 

I share this simply to offer some hope. Years later now, I've moved on and this loss no longer stings like it did. I am able to see more clearly now that our friendship never was true and that I was being manipulated in ways I could never see from within the relationship. It still hurts when I reflect on it and the scars will always remain, but I've made new friends and continued to live my life and the wounds have healed. :grouphug:

 

I think NanceXToo's letter is very gracious, and if you ultimately decide to send the CD to "friend," then I probably be tempted to send a similar letter along with the CD. However, you'd have to accept that you are choosing to engage with this person again, and holding out an olive branch of reconciliation. I'd think long and hard before you choose this path because it means you consider the relationship to be salvageable. And without advocating an unforgiving heart, some friendships are just not salvageable. AT. ALL.

 

I also think she's still trying to take advantage of you emotionally and financially. If you give her the CD I feel sure that in a week or two you'd find that "everything" would suddenly be fine (on her end, mind you; not yours) and she might even offer a half-hearted "apology" because she was "stressed" and surely you understand and how about I treat you to coffee. All because you "agreed" with her about giving away your talent and time for free. :glare:

 

Don't give her the CD or anything else. Either she pays or she doesn't get the photos/CD. You are worth a lot more.

 

:iagree: If you give her the CD at this point, you will only be confirming in her mind the lack of assertiveness she accused you of, and she will respect you even less in the future. She will also be in a prime position to manipulate you further, because you capitulated on this point and with some half-hearted apologies on her end, you will once again be made out to be the weaker unloving friend if you don't resume the relationship. Again, I understand the temptation here, I really truly do, but try to focus on the ways she revealed her friendship to not be true in that awful tirade.

 

 

Ya know, nj's not dead yet. If what she says is true, that the pics suck, she has time to hire someone else and get new ones taken. Perhaps it'd be better to just put the cd in a drawer where it's safe, but you can forget about it. If she pays you, give it to her. If you find it a year from now, you can chose the. To trash it or give it to her. But she doesn't need this charity. The woman is still here to get her pics taken.

 

Stick that CD in a safe place. A few years from now you may find a way to get it to the daughter.

 

 

I agree with these approaches completely. Table the decision about the CD for now. The ONLY way I'd send "friend" the CD is if she sends you payment in full for the CD. Otherwise, she is likely to destroy the CD anyway, since she doesn't like the pictures and may feel vindictive about the situation, and then you've still not helped Molly.

 

I'd let things cool off, and then find a way to get the CD to Molly, especially since she is an adult, and will probably appreciate them for what they are, despite the drama. Then you can relieve your heart of your duty to this young girl, without further engaging her stepmother. For all you know, she may very much appreciate receiving this gift later without the emotional burden of dealing with her stepmother's "charity" and the constant reference to her mother as Nutjob. By mailing the CD to "friend" you are giving her the opportunity to be further manipulative to you and potentially to her stepdaughter as well, using your artwork no less. You are under NO obligation to provide these pictures to "friend" at this point, NONE.

 

You do not deserve to be treated the way she has treated you. :grouphug:

[4ofus]

This just plain sux. I am so so sorry for you. I agree with others that she is no friend of yours. RUN, don't walk away. She sounds like a 'mean girl' & you will be better off without her games, even if it means no friends at all for a while.

 

I am sorry you have been taken advantage of :(.

 

 

Sending hugs your way:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[meggie]

I forgot - I also wanted to say that after having all night to think through things, I think the thing that hurts the most is knowing that I trusted her and made myself vulnerable by sharing my weaknesses and she, like another poster said, was taking notes and threw it ALL back in my face.

 

She's seen things and knows things that I hadn't ever shown or told anyone else. I allowed her, and another friend from the group (the one she's closer to now) to come in my home and help me clean & organize my bedroom. It was the catchall at our house, but it was nothing like Hoarders or anything. I was scared to let them in....and felt so, so, so vulnerable in that moment. Now, I feel so embarassed and betrayed.

 

There are, obviously, plenty more examples, but THAT is what is eating at me.

I still can't believe someone would do that to you. I'm so sorry. I know it's been repeated so many times, but you are worth so much more and do not deserve to be treated like that.

 

I think your friend is at a low in her life. She has lost her filter. That's pretty significant, if you think about it.

 

Sometimes it's good to know what people "really" think of you so you can shake off your attachment to them and move on with more positive pursuits and relationships.

 

I don't know what you should do about the CD. If she didn't like your work, then why would she want it in electronic format anyway? If she doesn't want to pay you, she is entitled to nothing. And personally, I would not want to be in a position where I am forcing someone to pay me for something they don't want to buy. This may be a case for you cutting your losses and moving on. But only you can decide that.

 

ETA: Oh, and by the way - stop agreeing with her when she puts you down. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Please focus on your strengths; it's a lot healthier for all involved.

:iagree:You know, several months back my husband pointed out that the women with perfectly clean houses who always looked perfect still had their faults. A clean house and perfect image do not make someone better than another. It means they have different strengths and priorities and are at a different place in life. You have a two year old! I'm sure that in and of itself keeps you busy. You're a VERY talented photographer. And if I remember correctly, you have a very busy schedule taking kids to various activities. You sound like a great mom! A very great mom. Don't worry about what makes you less than perfect, go ahead and change what you can when you can. But give yourself some grace.

[Ibbygirl]

:grouphug: Several years back, I was horribly betrayed in the worst possible way by someone I thought was my best friend. I've never been one to make friends easily or to have many close friends, so this was particularly devastating to me. So I understand how very hurt and manipulated you must feel now. I'm so very sorry. At the time, even despite the magnitude of the betrayal, there was some part of me desperate to find some way to mend the friendship. Especially because we don't live in a vacuum, so severing that relationship completely would mean cutting myself off from other people I cared about deeply (parents, children, other mutual friends). In some situations, it wouldn't mean sacrificing the other relationships, but in this case it was a necessity.

 

I share this simply to offer some hope. Years later now, I've moved on and this loss no longer stings like it did. I am able to see more clearly now that our friendship never was true and that I was being manipulated in ways I could never see from within the relationship. It still hurts when I reflect on it and the scars will always remain, but I've made new friends and continued to live my life and the wounds have healed. :grouphug:

 

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[ezrabean2005]

Would the mom have a Caringbridge site? Could you find her that way?

Do you know where she gets treatment?

[Chris in VA]

I'm so sorry you had to endure this. :grouphug:

 

I'm kinda flabbergasted that someone would say they want to buy a gift from you, then tell you they think you should just give it to the person (but allow them the credit for giving it) for free. How weird IS that? What sort of boundary-less person does that?

 

I still don't get what you could possibly have done wrong? What do you feel guilty about? You made something, she said she wanted to buy it, then she didn't pay for it.

 

I just don't get it.

 

Secondly, with the over-the-top, incredibly harsh and inappropriate, unkindness she perpetrated on you-- Geez, with friends like that, who needs enemies?

 

If I had the nerve (I don't like enforcing boundaries, but I'm learning to), I might write a note like THIS:

 

Dear So and So,

 

I have been pondering our last conversation for some time now, and here's what I've come up with.

 

You wanted me to take some pictures of your sdd and her mom, and said you'd pay me for them. I did so, and then you said you did not want to pay for them, but still wanted them. Further, you told me you thought I should just give them to you so that you could present them as a gift. You used the reasoning that your sdd would like to have them, and that I should give them for free because her mother has cancer. On top of that, you said you did not like the pictures, yet still thought I should give them to you at no cost.

 

During the course of this conversation, you told me, in terms I felt were harsh and inappropriate, that the primary reason you had for friending me in the first place was because you felt you could fix me/help me/instruct me. You went on to share, in a way I found venomous, that you find me irresponsible, unorganized, self-absorbed (yet unable or unwilling to take care of my appearance according to your standards), and unreasonable WRT my parental expectations of my children.

 

Now I ask you--

 

How do you think all the above has made me feel?

 

Let me tell you, so that we are quite clear.

 

I find your expectation that I donate the photos to be unreasonable, manipulative and rather stunning. Had you come to me at first with the request for such a donation, I probably would have been both happy and honored to do so. You choose to enter into a business agreement with me, then decided not to pay, and THEN tried to guilty me into giving you something for free. I have to wonder why you do not see this as trying to take advantage of ME.

 

I also find the way you vented your frustration/disappointment in our friendship and in my personal failings to be both mean-spirited and unusually unkind. Again, I am rather stunned and, honestly, distraught over the idea that I was some sort of project to you. I certainly have things to work on. I have been quite humble and truthful in my conversations with you regarding my personal failings. But I did think there was a mutuality in our friendship, and it pains me to hear how you "really feel." It's not that "the truth hurts;" I can bear the truth. What I find difficult to bear is the utterly mean way you shared your perceptions. You tore down every part of my life, from the way I handle my children to the way I handle my hair.

 

I cannot let myself be treated this way and call it friendship.

 

Enclosed please find an invoice for the CD/photos, as per our agreement, discount included.

[Tammyla]

She set you up and put you in an awful situation. :grouphug:

Her personal attack was just mean and hateful.

 

She sounds dreadful.

Edited March 1, 2012 by Tammyla

[SweetMissMagnolia]

:grouphug:

[mommaduck]

 

Dear So and So,

 

I have been pondering our last conversation for some time now, and here's what I've come up with.

 

You wanted me to take some pictures of your sdd and her mom, and said you'd pay me for them. I did so, and then you said you did not want to pay for them, but still wanted them. Further, you told me you thought I should just give them to you so that you could present them as a gift. You used the reasoning that your sdd would like to have them, and that I should give them for free because her mother has cancer. On top of that, you said you did not like the pictures, yet still thought I should give them to you at no cost.

 

During the course of this conversation, you told me, in terms I felt were harsh and inappropriate, that the primary reason you had for friending me in the first place was because you felt you could fix me/help me/instruct me. You went on to share, in a way I found venomous, that you find me irresponsible, unorganized, self-absorbed (yet unable or unwilling to take care of my appearance according to your standards), and unreasonable WRT my parental expectations of my children.

 

Now I ask you--

 

How do you think all the above has made me feel?

 

Let me tell you, so that we are quite clear.

 

I find your expectation that I donate the photos to be unreasonable, manipulative and rather stunning. Had you come to me at first with the request for such a donation, I probably would have been both happy and honored to do so. You choose to enter into a business agreement with me, then decided not to pay, and THEN tried to guilty me into giving you something for free. I have to wonder why you do not see this as trying to take advantage of ME.

 

I also find the way you vented your frustration/disappointment in our friendship and in my personal failings to be both mean-spirited and unusually unkind. Again, I am rather stunned and, honestly, distraught over the idea that I was some sort of project to you. I certainly have things to work on. I have been quite humble and truthful in my conversations with you regarding my personal failings. But I did think there was a mutuality in our friendship, and it pains me to hear how you "really feel." It's not that "the truth hurts;" I can bear the truth. What I find difficult to bear is the utterly mean way you shared your perceptions. You tore down every part of my life, from the way I handle my children to the way I handle my hair.

 

I cannot let myself be treated this way and call it friendship.

 

Enclosed please find an invoice for the CD/photos, as per our agreement, discount included.

:iagree:

[Harriet Vane]

I'm so sorry you had to endure this. :grouphug:

 

I'm kinda flabbergasted that someone would say they want to buy a gift from you, then tell you they think you should just give it to the person (but allow them the credit for giving it) for free. How weird IS that? What sort of boundary-less person does that?

 

I still don't get what you could possibly have done wrong? What do you feel guilty about? You made something, she said she wanted to buy it, then she didn't pay for it.

 

I just don't get it.

 

Secondly, with the over-the-top, incredibly harsh and inappropriate, unkindness she perpetrated on you-- Geez, with friends like that, who needs enemies?

 

If I had the nerve (I don't like enforcing boundaries, but I'm learning to), I might write a note like THIS:

 

Dear So and So,

 

I have been pondering our last conversation for some time now, and here's what I've come up with.

 

You wanted me to take some pictures of your sdd and her mom, and said you'd pay me for them. I did so, and then you said you did not want to pay for them, but still wanted them. Further, you told me you thought I should just give them to you so that you could present them as a gift. You used the reasoning that your sdd would like to have them, and that I should give them for free because her mother has cancer. On top of that, you said you did not like the pictures, yet still thought I should give them to you at no cost.

 

During the course of this conversation, you told me, in terms I felt were harsh and inappropriate, that the primary reason you had for friending me in the first place was because you felt you could fix me/help me/instruct me. You went on to share, in a way I found venomous, that you find me irresponsible, unorganized, self-absorbed (yet unable or unwilling to take care of my appearance according to your standards), and unreasonable WRT my parental expectations of my children.

 

Now I ask you--

 

How do you think all the above has made me feel?

 

Let me tell you, so that we are quite clear.

 

I find your expectation that I donate the photos to be unreasonable, manipulative and rather stunning. Had you come to me at first with the request for such a donation, I probably would have been both happy and honored to do so. You choose to enter into a business agreement with me, then decided not to pay, and THEN tried to guilty me into giving you something for free. I have to wonder why you do not see this as trying to take advantage of ME.

 

I also find the way you vented your frustration/disappointment in our friendship and in my personal failings to be both mean-spirited and unusually unkind. Again, I am rather stunned and, honestly, distraught over the idea that I was some sort of project to you. I certainly have things to work on. I have been quite humble and truthful in my conversations with you regarding my personal failings. But I did think there was a mutuality in our friendship, and it pains me to hear how you "really feel." It's not that "the truth hurts;" I can bear the truth. What I find difficult to bear is the utterly mean way you shared your perceptions. You tore down every part of my life, from the way I handle my children to the way I handle my hair.

 

I cannot let myself be treated this way and call it friendship.

 

Enclosed please find an invoice for the CD/photos, as per our agreement, discount included.

 

Well said.

[StephanieF]

I suspect that "friend's" dh has asked his wife why she is spending $$$ to make nutjob happy. She is now feeling guilty and projecting those feelings onto you.

 

She has completely lost it in her attempt to make you the bad guy here.

I LOVE Chris's note and think it is perfect in every way!

Stephanie

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug::grouphug: I would be upset by what was said too. Nothing new to add. I just agree with others. Don't give the nasty lady the cd, hunt down the other two and give it directly. If you can't find them, I would than do what someone suggested and put a few of the one's you liked best, or the one's the lady cried when she saw the pictures, in a frame and give that to the nasty lady. If you feel compelled, give the cd but only with a select number of pictures. If you end up having to give pictures in a frame to give as a gift to the others to nasty lady, and nasty lady wonders where her cd is, than I would wonder out loud where her money is to pay for it! :grouphug::grouphug:

[elegantlion]

I think we need to start a Don't poke the Hive conflict management letter writing service. Chris and Nance will be in charge. :D

[OH_Homeschooler]

I skipped the last 18 pages of the thread, sorry. Just wanted to show my support too. She sounds like she just wanted to win an argument against you. I agree that it's stupid of her to say you need to be assertive, when you were doing just that and it pissed her off. So what she means is that you need to be more assertive when it works in her favor.

 

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

 

Oh and I don't think the fact that you have a messy house (according to this person) has anything to do with having ADD. I think it has to do with being a busy homeschooling mom.

[In the Rain]

I forgot - I also wanted to say that after having all night to think through things, I think the thing that hurts the most is knowing that I trusted her and made myself vulnerable by sharing my weaknesses and she, like another poster said, was taking notes and threw it ALL back in my face.

 

She's seen things and knows things that I hadn't ever shown or told anyone else. I allowed her, and another friend from the group (the one she's closer to now) to come in my home and help me clean & organize my bedroom. It was the catchall at our house, but it was nothing like Hoarders or anything. I was scared to let them in....and felt so, so, so vulnerable in that moment. Now, I feel so embarassed and betrayed.

 

There are, obviously, plenty more examples, but THAT is what is eating at me.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry. Is the other friend worth keeping?

[k2bdeutmeyer]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. Is the other friend worth keeping?

 

I don't know yet. I'm thinking I don't feel safe with her either.....as long as she is close with "friend".

[roseyloxs]

:grouphug: Friends accept each other, faults and all. I would address the CD to Molly but mail it to your 'friend's address. It will get to her and you'll be done with it. I don't know what to do about the breakfast scenario. If you like the other women there and are strong enough to go then I would. If you want to be done with all of them then I wouldn't worry about what they think when you stop showing up.

 

I am terrible at housework and have no idea why people care what someone else's house looks like. Guess what, children live in my home and you know it the moment you walk in. That's not the only thing that falls behind either. My extra bedroom still has a pile of Xmas stuff because I haven't found time to put it all away (maybe its my ADD who knows?). None of us are perfect.

 

I liked PP's suggestion about finding a local photo club in an effort to find some friends. :grouphug: again. I hope you find a way to get past this and not dwell on it too long.

[freerange]

It sounds like this "friend" is really no friend at all. As much as it hurts, I would bid her good riddance and walk away.

 

My jaw actually dropped at some of the stuff she said to you. Pardon my french, but WHO THE H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is SHE to say how clean YOUR house should be? OR who does what work IN YOUR HOUSE? My SIX year old is responsible to keep his room picked up. I vacuum and dust, usually, but once in awhile that gets to be his job, too.

 

I am seriously angry on your behalf right now! Heart poundingly so, and I really want to call her bad names.

 

ETA: I would not give her the CD, AND there is no such thing as a self-absorbed SAH/HSing mother - and you probably are spread too thin - as in you don't spend ENOUGH time on YOU. Really. I still want to call her bad names.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

:iagree: doesn't sound like a friend to me.

:grouphug:

[Ibbygirl]

She set you up and put you in an awful situation. :grouphug:

Her personal attack was just mean and hateful.

 

She sounds dreadful.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: What a petty, low-class woman! :mad:

[Ibbygirl]

I think we need to start a Don't poke the Hive conflict management letter writing service. Chris and Nance will be in charge. :D

 

:lol: :thumbup: Hear! Hear! :D hehe

[Ibbygirl]

 

Oh and I don't think the fact that you have a messy house (according to this person) has anything to do with having ADD. I think it has to do with being a busy homeschooling mom.

 

:iagree::iagree: Every home school mom's house I've ever been in (including my own) is messy. It's just a season in life. Kids are more important than clutter and when they fly the roost there will be plenty of time to keep a neat and tidy house (at least that's what I keep telling myself. :tongue_smilie: ) hehe

[NorthwestMom]

What a wretched human being she is. I vote NO CD and cut off all contact immediately. If the other ladies contact you, try to maintain a pleasant friendship with them. They may well be aware that this woman is toxic and have been handling her with kid gloves without your awareness. You are likely NOT her first victim.

 

:grouphug:

 

What a b****. Don't own any of the crazy she threw at you. To h*** with her!

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I just want to say that you all are amazing. Every time I feel myself starting to slip back to feeling awful, I come here and someone else has posted something to boost me up.

 

Thank you.

[Ibbygirl]

I just want to say that you all are amazing. Every time I feel myself starting to slip back to feeling awful, I come here and someone else has posted something to boost me up.

 

Thank you.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Well, you know how a hive is right? If you poke at it all the bees come buzzing out ready to attack. :D That lady poked the hive by what she did to you. Of course we're going to protect our own. :grouphug::grouphug: Feel better honey and like a PP said, don't own any of the bile she spewed on you. You're none of it!! :grouphug:

[Cindyz]

May I just remind you that "crazy" runs in families? :glare: Like mother, like daughter?

 

What she did was very hurtful and I think manipulative. If you do not plan to salvage the friendship, I wouldn't send the cd since they said they didn't like they photos. If they don't like them, why do they want them?

 

>hugs<

[NotAVampireLvr]

oh man - if it were me I would send the CD and delete every file off your computer. I'd also cut her out of your life. Even if she tried to make amends you'll always have this hanging over you. Yes you can forgive and move on, but there's no need to invite it back into your life. She IS NOT A FRIEND. She did not go about this in a loving way at all. I can't believe a grown woman could be so cruel and bully-like. I'm so sorry you even had to sit through that conversation. My heart hurts for you right now. :(

[k2bdeutmeyer]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Well, you know how a hive is right? If you poke at it all the bees come buzzing out ready to attack. :D That lady poked the hive by what she did to you. Of course we're going to protect our own. :grouphug::grouphug: Feel better honey and like a PP said, don't own any of the bile she spewed on you. You're none of it!! :grouphug:

 

A little coffee makes everything better, right?

 

Maybe a special trip to Starbucks is in order?!? lol

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm trying to imagine how long a friendship here would last if they started being upset about how I did my HAIR. :glare: Or that I didn't clean enough but made my kids clean. ('cause I do. And I'm ADD, too.) You do NOT need that. There are so many awesome people around to make friends with instead and you don't deserve to be torn down like that by a so-called friend. You have better things to do with your time than that. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Ibbygirl]

A little coffee makes everything better, right?

 

Maybe a special trip to Starbucks is in order?!? lol

 

Starbucks?? No, no, no honey. You come on down to my house and I'll make you a real cafe con leche and fill you up with some guava cheese pastries. :D If that doesn't put a smile on your face then nothing will! ;) :p :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: