NanceXToo Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 (edited) The thing is, I've been having a bit of a tough time lately. I know a few people in my real life right now who have been sharing news of pregnancy (one with twins recently no less), and in the past few weeks especially I keep finding myself thinking, "I was supposed to be due NEXT MONTH" and tearing up. Knowing my due date was supposed to have been so soon...next month, holy cow! has been especially rough on me lately. :( I guess February will be kind of hard on me. In case anyone doesn't know and wants an update, I stopped trying for a while. It turns out that between being kind of depressed about the ectopic and my natural genes and lifelong struggles with weight anyway I gained quite a bit and ended up being the highest I've ever been in my life. I went to my doctor for some help finally in November, and he ran some tests, and it turned out that I had high insulin levels. He put me on two medications...one to help with weight loss even though it's "off label use" (a generic version of topamax) and one that is a diabetes medication (metformin) as he knows I will be 39 in four months now, REALLY want one more baby, have high insulin levels, was at my highest weight ever and was depressed about the ectopic and the weight, and really just wanted to get to a healthier weight as soon as possible so that I could start TTC again. I have been taking the two medications in conjunction with a South Beach type diet...doing the low/healthy carb thing since mid November. This is quite embarrassing but any of you on the Weight Loss Challenge social group forum already know my weight :P I started at 247.6 pounds (at 5'7"). Ugh. I know. I was horrified too. This morning with a combination of medication, healthy diet, and treadmill, I weighed myself at 217.2 lbs. I've lost about 30 lbs so far. I can't wait to get under 200 and start thinking about TTC again. Meanwhile hoping that my age doesn't deter it from happening and trying not to think about how the last time I tried, five months of trying led to an ectopic pregnancy, that should have been a baby next month. If I'm a little snappy with some of you sometimes in my responses, and I know I probably am these days (TT anyone? :P) well, this is probably part of it. So if that's been you, I apologize. And hey speaking of the Weight Loss Challenge social group...it's been really active and supportive. Come join us if you're trying to lose weight. :) And if you've been dealing with miscarriage/ectopic/pregnancy loss, too, even if it was a long time ago and you should've been "over it" by now... yeah. I know. It's not always that easy. :grouphug: Edited January 30, 2012 by NanceXToo typo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 :grouphug: January is always a hard month for me. I had my first miscarriage six years ago this month. I always remember the day it was confirmed. Even though I went on to have a healthy baby after, I still really sucks. And we won't even go into the weight thing:glare:. :grouphug: Good luck to you sweetie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 :grouphug: There's no "normal" for "getting over" pregnancy loss. We watched Cheaper by the Dozen this weekend, and it kind of stung. Even after more than a decade after one miscarriage and 3 years after an ectopic rupture. Even knowing that some of my kids wouldn't be here if other babies had come. It'll always be a part of my life story, no matter what else happens. And I'm not even "in the market" for any more! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 no it's not easy--I had a m/c on january 5,2002 and to make a long story short on january 5,2003 I brought my preemie baby boy home from the hospital-so it took some of the hurt out of that date but it's never easy....hope the meds help your health issues-I took metformin for a while....now I'm just doing insulin....I think it's great to support each other through our challenging times.....:grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5forMe Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 My son died 10 years ago, and I still struggle around the time he was born prematurely and around his due date. You are perfectly justified in not being over it yet. If there is a Lullabyes group in your area (or something similar) going to a meeting or two may help. Lullabyes is a support group for parents who have lost infants before, during, or soon after birth-for the most part, babies you never got to hold, and may never have gotten to even see. It's a safe place to grieve when the world says you should be "over it". And yes, we had women who had ectopic pregnancies or early miscarriages mixed in with women who lost babies after a month or more on life support and multiple surgeries to attempt to correct congenital defects-and we all grieved together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Sometimes I read your posts Nance and think, "Wow. We're going through the exact thing right now!" This is one of those times although I haven't gotten motivated enough to actually stay on a health kick. I really do feel 10000% better when I juice/eat mostly raw. I do that for a week or two at a time and then freak out. I'm scared. I'm 40. What if I get into shape and cannot get pregnant anyway or universe help me... what if I lose the next one too? Maybe I'll just stay plumpish and try not to think about it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I lost a pregnancy that would have been due in August 2001. I still think of it. Even though I have had 3 other kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I would have starting my third trimester next month. Every cycle I have had since September sends me into a downward spiral. I'm not supposed to have cycles right now. I have a lot of the same health problems that you talked about. I'm hoping to get back on Metformin next month. I was on insulin because I was still nursing. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 No, I would not think that you'd be over it by now. It's not that easy and most of us know it. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leeannpal Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I still think about my ectopic in June of 2001. Mine would have been due in January, like yours, so I think it is natural to think about what might have been.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I had an ectopic in 2003. Maybe I'm weird (more so than it would normally appear), but I still think and wonder. I look at Tazzie, and think about how he should have a sib a year older than him. I wonder who that child would have been. Thankfully, time has eased the pain, as cliche as that sounds...it's not something that makes it hard to breathe any more. I remember completely losing it when we heard that Wolf's niece had a baby that year, right around when I was due. She was using meth, etc. I remember being so angry, and saying to Wolf that it wasn't fair, that she's a drug user and gets to have a baby, but we were doing everything 'right' and not only did we lose our baby, but I almost died as well. Irrational, sure, but that's how I felt at the time. *hugs* to you, Nancy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 :grouphug: I still wonder what happened to my little girl (17 weeks gestation). She was sent off for genetic testing... I guess the "tissue" is treated as medical waste. I don't think I could have handled seeing her so don't regret the d&c, but it would have been nice to get a box or something to bury. Maybe if we hadn't elected for testing we could have had that? Anyway, I'm not over it and probably never will be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 :grouphug:Nance:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 No, I would not think that you'd be over it by now. It's not that easy and most of us know it. :grouphug: So true. DD32 lost their 1st little boy in 11/10 and their 2nd little boy again at 20 weeks in 6/11 -- she is still hurting and so is her dh. My little grand daughters are still sad (now and then) as well. I think that some hurts are always there -- perhaps at times not as near the surface as at other times (anniversaries of the loss), but I do not think the hurt ever goes away. My dd has dear friends who have also had losses and then gone on to have babies, and there are times when she must distance herself from them as her pain is so palpable. Be kind to yourself, lean into your grief 'a little' and then lean out of it. Read everything you can, maybe speak to a grief counselor, but do not push yourself or be hard on yourself.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomandlorih Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 :grouphug: My (oldest) son was stillborn 5 years ago in October, 1 week before dd8's 3rd birthday. You go on but you never really "get over it". And that's okay! It is a natural human reaction to grieve. *confession* I still cry once in a while* It sounds like you are doing what you can to grieve and move ahead and getting a handle on the insulin issues will be very helpful in TTC! I hope you are encouraged and uplifted today! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Nance, be easy with yourself. I don't expect you to be over it, if that helps at all. And if there are people IRL that are expecting you to be over it, well, they have wrong expectations. You lost a child. It's a hard loss. You are allowed to grieve. And yes, the anniversary of your due date may always be hard. Women lose children lots of ways; you lost yours before the baby was born. That doesn't change the fact that you lost a child. Grieve. It's ok. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
higginszoo Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 :grouphug: There's no time limit on these things saying that you can only be sad about this sort of thing for x number of months. It's totally normal for it to come back around and bite you when the due date rolls around. I found this to be true even when I was pg again. Kudos to you on getting in shape. 30 lbs is a huge accomplishment, especially under the stress of grieving. You'll need that extra energy to keep up with a toddler in a couple of years! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 No, I would not think that you'd be over it by now. It's not that easy and most of us know it. :grouphug: :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 Thank you all for making me feel a bit better. I knew you would! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrappyhappymama Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks six years ago. I still grieve over that loss sometimes. It did make it easier at the time since I was pregnant again just before my original due date. But, it still makes me sad, even though I know I wouldn't have my wonderful four year old if that hadn't happened. Logically, I'd never trade my beautiful son, but my heart still misses the baby we lost. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenC3 Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I was due next Friday Nance, so yes I know how you feel. I mostly likely would have been a week early as I have been early with all them and so what do I do? Host a double baby shower this Friday! It's actually helping me. I'm also taking the birth pics for my friend, anyday now, and I look forward to it being very cathartic for me. It will be good to be at a birth this month. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry you're sad, Nance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 :grouphug: I'm sorry you are sad. It is understandable though, especially as you near the due date. :grouphug: In other news... you've lost 30 pounds!!!! That's awesome! :hurray: Really, that is great, and worth celebrating. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Yep due dates and anniversaries of loss are hard. I am looking forward to welcoming a little one and hoping beyond hope that it doesn't come on a loss anniversary. One thing that I did to remember my little lost ones was get a miscarriage necklace to remember them all. My MIL thinks it is crazy but I love my little ones I didn't get to meet and I wear it at times to remind me of them. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kesmom Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Be gentle with yourself. Many of us have been down painful roads and are here for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellers Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Nance, be easy with yourself. I don't expect you to be over it, if that helps at all. And if there are people IRL that are expecting you to be over it, well, they have wrong expectations. You lost a child. It's a hard loss. You are allowed to grieve. And yes, the anniversary of your due date may always be hard. Women lose children lots of ways; you lost yours before the baby was born. That doesn't change the fact that you lost a child. Grieve. It's ok. :grouphug: :iagree: Two years ago my oldest DD was pregnant and lost the baby at 26 weeks. Time has passed but its still hard sometimes. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Hugs to you. I haven't BTDT, but I wouldn't expect there is any time you are completely over a miscarriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 (edited) Nance, :grouphug:. I was just thinking of you and wondering how you were doing. I'm sorry you're still hurting - I certainly wouldn't expect you to be "over it" yet. I really should join you guys in the weight loss thread. I'm at my highest ever weight too. Edited January 30, 2012 by Mommy22alyns Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 Nance, :grouphug:. I was just thinking of you and wondering how you were doing. I'm sorry you're still hurting - I certainly wouldn't expect you to be "over it" yet. I really should join you guys in the weight loss thread. I'm at my highest ever weight too. Thank you. :) (Thank you again to all of you who responded). It was really hard in the beginning, then I went through a few months of being "fine" for the most part and then it was hard again getting close to the due date... it comes and goes. Please do feel free to come join us, it's a fun group and very encouraging and motivational. There are ongoing challenges and some new ones will be starting for February! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momof3littles Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I'm sorry you are feeling like this :grouphug: Be gentle with yourself. Healing doesn't always happen linearly. I have pcos and take metformin. I went through infertility treatments with my oldest but conceived my 2nd and 3rd child with metformin and LC. Hugs to you. You will be in my thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Never get over it...somehow, we get through. Sorry you are going through a tough time. :grouphug: Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 (edited) I'm sorry you are feeling like this :grouphug: Be gentle with yourself. Healing doesn't always happen linearly. I have pcos and take metformin. I went through infertility treatments with my oldest but conceived my 2nd and 3rd child with metformin and LC. Hugs to you. You will be in my thoughts. So metformin can continue to be taken while TTC? I think I have to stop taking the topamax when I start TTC again as I don't think it's considered safe for pregnancy. (One of the questions I planned to ask my doctor when I go for my follow up mid February was if I have to stop the meds when I decide to TTC or if I can stop if/when I find out I'm pregnant. I thought it would be nice to be able to keep losing while TTC since TTC could take months and the meds help so much, but of course if either of the medications would in any way affect implantation early on or anything like that I would never want to risk it)! ETA: IMplantation, not TRANSplantation...lol...and you quoted that typo lol...I'm on my way out the door, I was so not thinking. Edited January 31, 2012 by NanceXToo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momof3littles Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 So metformin can continue to be taken while TTC? I think I have to stop taking the topamax when I start TTC again as I don't think it's considered safe for pregnancy. (One of the questions I planned to ask my doctor when I go for my follow up mid February was if I have to stop the meds when I decide to TTC or if I can stop if/when I find out I'm pregnant. I thought it would be nice to be able to keep losing while TTC since TTC could take months and the meds help so much, but of course if either of the medications would in any way affect transplantation early on or anything like that I would never want to risk it)! women with pcos regularly take it while TTC. For them it can almost function like a fertility drug by regulating their insulin sensitivity. Because it regulates insulin, and insulin is a master hormone, it helps regulate hormones that run amok with PCOS. When I was pg with my oldest they had me discontinue after the first trimester but I remained on metformin during my 2nd and 3rd pregnancies and while BFing. Dr. Hale has some good info on BFing on metformin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted January 31, 2012 Author Share Posted January 31, 2012 women with pcos regularly take it while TTC. For them it can almost function like a fertility drug by regulating their insulin sensitivity. Because it regulates insulin, and insulin is a master hormone, it helps regulate hormones that run amok with PCOS. When I was pg with my oldest they had me discontinue after the first trimester but I remained on metformin during my 2nd and 3rd pregnancies and while BFing. Dr. Hale has some good info on BFing on metformin. How embarrassing... I'm on my way out the door and so I was typing quick, I put TRANSplantation instead of IMplantation, and you quoted it haha. But thank you for letting me know that. Right before I started my meds and weight loss plan, I had actually briefly started TTC again after my recovery period after the ectopic for like two months before stopping again because I used ovulation predictor tests for those two months and never even got a positive. Then I found out that my insulin levels were high... and I'm REALLY hoping that the lack of positive OPK's was due to the insulin and not my age or something... I hope that the metformin and the healthy diet will have me ovulating normally again... I guess one way to find out is to take OPK tests again but I've been holding off until after I lost some more weight, I'm almost afraid to find out. :P But maybe I'll test in March's cycle just to find out if I'm ovulating normally again as per the OPK tests. That would be a big relief. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in MI Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Nance, be easy with yourself. I don't expect you to be over it, if that helps at all. And if there are people IRL that are expecting you to be over it, well, they have wrong expectations. You lost a child. It's a hard loss. You are allowed to grieve. And yes, the anniversary of your due date may always be hard. Women lose children lots of ways; you lost yours before the baby was born. That doesn't change the fact that you lost a child. Grieve. It's ok. :grouphug: :iagree: I've lost 2; One at 20 weeks and another at 10, It is not easy :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairyMom Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 And if you've been dealing with miscarriage/ectopic/pregnancy loss, too, even if it was a long time ago and you should've been "over it" by now... yeah. I know. It's not always that easy. :grouphug: Not a day goes by that I don't look at my girls and think, "There should be three of you running around." My ectopic pregnancy was in December of 2000. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paula in PA Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 No, I would not think that you'd be over it by now. It's not that easy and most of us know it. :grouphug: :iagree: :grouphug: It does get a little easier with passage of time, but you never forget. I've had three miscarriages in the summer with due dates in February, so it's a rough month for me. I just try to keep as busy as possible and spend lots of time being grateful for my beautiful daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Oh you sweet thing. Congratulations on the weight loss. I wish you comfort and peace.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I got pregnant with Lily right after my Dr. upped my Metformin and I lost 10 pounds. I only found out after I was pregnant that high blood sugar was probably the reason I could not get pregnant for so long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkInTheBlue Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Not a day goes by that I don't look at my girls and think, "There should be three of you running around." My ectopic pregnancy was in December of 2000. :grouphug: I lost my first baby at 19 weeks from having no heartbeat. That was in November 1994. The sharp pain is not the same but there hasn't been a November or his due date that goes by and I don't think of him. Of course I think of him much more than that too. :) My 3 boys should 4. Oh my! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
desertmum Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I am an only child and I always said I would have at least 2. Hey, I wanted a large tribe. I grew up obssessed by shows like "Eight is Enough", "The Waltons", "Little House in the Prairie", you name it. Well, I've had 2 m-c, and only 1 child. I am grateful for the one I have. But It makes me sad as my husband has a bunch of young nieces -all getting pregnant at the same time, so I understand a little how you feel. I don't think you can "get over" loosing a baby/child. But life goes on. You are in my prayers. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 :grouphug: My ectopic was in October 2001 and I'm still not "over it". I don't know that I ever will be. Better, yes, but not over it. An ectopic carries with it a lifelong reminder of the loss (at least for me it has) as the tube is often taken; that fact is still causing me grief all these years later. With all my heart I am sorry for your loss and struggles now. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HLDoll Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I wouldn't expect you to be over that at all. I lost a baby late 1st trimester and I grieved so much around the expected due date, especially watching other women due around that same time. I kept thinking how that should have been me. I was even expecting again at that point, but it was still hard. I wish you great success with your personal health goals and permission to cut yourself some slack. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madlibs Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I have 5 living children, but I've also had 5 mcs. Even though the pain has dulled, it will always be a part of me. I wish you much success in getting healthy and TTC again when you're ready. Metformin has helped a lot of women conceive a healthy pregnancy. Robin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TKDmom Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I had a pregnancy 4 years ago, and I was due Feb 29th. I found out around 15 weeks that the baby had died and went through a d&c. I still feel waves of grief over that baby. Especially now that it's almost Feb, and it seems like I know half a dozen people that are hoping for leap year babies. Miscarriages stink. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 No, I would not think that you'd be over it by now. It's not that easy and most of us know it. :grouphug: :iagree: BTDT and the "dates" are still difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted January 31, 2012 Author Share Posted January 31, 2012 Metformin has helped a lot of women conceive a healthy pregnancy. Robin Well, that has been one positive thing then! Maybe that will be the case for me when I'm ready to try again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madlibs Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Once my Dr. found the right combination of Metformin, Lovenox injections, and progesterone I was able to carry 3 pregnancies to term (my oldest dd is adopted), with the last one being a set of twins. I have had several friends that only needed to use the Metformin. It is perfectly safe to take all the way through pregnancy. I'm new here, but I hope it is OK if I head over and join the Weight Loss Challenge Group. I have been trying to lose the baby weight from the twins on my own, it would be nice to have others to share this struggle with. Robin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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