Seeking godly parenting wisdom!!!!

[julikins]

My husband and I are building a house and it's taking everything we've got (a loan from in-laws and our personal savings). So this year presents are lean--we keep saying the house is our present. It's not a complaint, just reality.

 

My birthday is the same month as Christmas, so my husband has a hard time finding two sets of gifts anyway. This year he outdid himself. I have an antique rocking chair that's a family heirloom. The only heirloom I have. It was falling apart, so he had it reglued, sanded and revarnished. It looks beautiful, completely restored. It was fairly expensive (we live overseas and this kind of work is rare) and my only present for my b-day. Very special to me.

 

This morning we discovered that our 6 year old son has scratched the surface of the rocking chair in several places (less than a month after we got it redone), many of the scratches in the shapes of hearts. A couple of weeks ago we saw him scratching the varnish off of a couple spots on my sewing table. We talked to him, he got his spanking, he apologized, we hugged and kissed and it was over. We thought he really understood he shouldn't have done it.

 

We asked him when he did the scratches on the rocking chair and he said it was on the same day of the sewing machine incident. I don't know if I believe him. Neither I or my husband noticed it that day. And we've done family pictures in the rocking chair and I sit in it several times every day and never noticed it. I really don't know how to handle it. He says he's sorry, but I don't know if he understands how bad it was, how he ruined something new and precious (when anything new or nice is so rare when you're missionaries overseas). I don't want him to think that "things" are more important than he is, but he needs to realize what he did and the depth of it. It was hurtful, destructive and disobedient.

 

We told him that we have to pray and talk about how to handle this so he doesn't ever do it again. My husband mentioned (privately) that we could let him open one of his Christmas gifts and then marr somehow it soon after, so he understands how it feels and will be considerate of other's possessions. I don't know if that accomplishes the goal or what it will do. We really have no idea how to handle this situation.

 

He is such a sweet little boy, but his attitude has recently turned less obedient and more willful. He's been getting in more trouble lately. But I keep thinking--He's six, it's a phase we need to work through. Am I right?

 

Please share your wisdom, experiences...(and please don't make this about the fact that we spank, that's our choice, it's based on conviction, and it's done with restraint, never in anger).

 

Thanks!

[OrganicAnn]

I don't like the idea of ruining one of his presents. That brings you down to the level of a child.

 

I would think that the consequences are that you don't trust him alone and so tomato stake him. Require that he has be be within sight of you at all times.

 

Good luck.

[Lolly]

I would let it go. Messing up his new gift would be teaching him to be vengeful. When you are older, you will have a totally different view of those little hearts etched into the chair. They will not be a sore upon your heart as they are now. For now, believe him that they happened on the same day as the sewing cabinet. Discuss how it would have been better if he had shown you his other handiwork at the time so that he wouldn't have been "caught" again for the same crime. Then, let it go.

[Chris in VA]

I think the saving grace is that he scratched heart shapes. ;)

 

Honestly, while I certainly see the disobedience, and the hurt he caused you, I think that, over time, those scratches will become dear symbols to you.

 

They grow up, you see! One day you will be an old woman, rocking in that chair, and you will rub your hands over those faded scratches, and remember the little boy he was and is no more.

 

Think how dear the scars on Jesus' hands became--marks of his love for us. Your little boy may have made the marks out of curiousity or disobedience, but you can redeem them by thinking of them as marks of his boyhood.

 

I would forgive him and love him up.

 

 

And maybe give him his own supply of soft soap to learn to carve! :D

[speedmom4]

Hi Julie,

 

I think your son is behaving pretty normally for a six year-old boy. My oldest dd was notorious for writing on things or scratching at wallpaper with her fingernails. I really believe that she wasn't doing it to be defiant or hurtful to me. I think she just had some impulse control issues that have been solved since she has matured and is now 16. She still loves to shred paper and twist objects in her hands. She still has a hard time keeping her hands still.

 

If your son was truly remorseful I would just continue to remind him to think before he does things. I don't think "marring" one of his own things will work. It seems a bit immature, IMHO.

 

It's hard having little ones around. It takes years of work and training but believe me it is worth it. I have two teens now and I believe we are seeing the fruit of those tough years when they were young.

 

I'm sorry that some of your things were scratched but remember they aren't as valuable as your little boy's heart! :001_smile:

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

[NotSoObvious]

I'd let it go, too. 6 and 7 years old were hard years for one of my dds, who is 90% of the time a very sweet and loving child. She would push boundaries and tell LOTS of white lies. I'm not sure all of our disciplining did much good. I think it was a phase that she would have grown out of anyway. (Not that she shouldn't have been disciplined, though!)

I just don't think these things are malicious at these ages. He didn't intend to hurt you.

A firm consequence, and move on.

[Parrothead]

I would let it go. Messing up his new gift would be teaching him to be vengeful. When you are older, you will have a totally different view of those little hearts etched into the chair. They will not be a sore upon your heart as they are now. For now, believe him that they happened on the same day as the sewing cabinet. Discuss how it would have been better if he had shown you his other handiwork at the time so that he wouldn't have been "caught" again for the same crime. Then, let it go.

:iagree:There might even come a time when you regret giving that spanking. (I say this as a mom who has BTDT.)

[bbmom]

I think if you wanted to go the Christmas gift angle, then once you find out what his favorite Christmas gift is, you sit down with him and ask him how he would feel if someone wrote on it with marker or scratched it on purpose or otherwise did something to it that made it not as nice. Then ask if he would ever decide to color on it or scratch it. Then explain to him that when he scratched into your chair, that's what he did, and that you were very sad and a little angry that he would do that to your things because he just (hopefully) admitted that he would not donthings like that to his own things. I would then explain that if it happens again, he will be responsible for fixing it-with his labor if possible, but with his money if not, meaning that all piggy bank money, allowance, and gift money will go to mom and dad until it can be fixed.

[Plink]

Wow! I can't imagine any good coming from intentionally breaking a child's toy. It would instantly put you in the bad-guy role and create far more drama than the original problem.

 

I would tend to believe the child. I would talk with him again about how to respect objects, but I wouldn't punish unless I knew without a doubt that he was lying. He is 6.

 

Praying for you and your DH as you work through this!

[SKL]

Your son is too young to understand how much you value that chair. Nothing you do as a punishment will make him more mature in that respect. And in fact, anything you do punitively to impress that on him (beyond the spanking and talking-to, which I do not disagree with) will give him a warped view of the importance of "things," in my opinion.

 

I definitely would not mar one of his Christmas presents. That would be something he'd remember as the time his parents intentionally crushed his heart. He would not view it as a logical result of his past actions.

 

He needs to learn to see things from others' point of view and respect others' property. This is a process, not something that a one-time punishment is going to accomplish. Keep reminding him at logical times, and when anyone (e.g., a younger child) messes up something in his world, talk to him then about how he feels and the fact that this is how others feel if he does something to their stuff. But don't break his little heart, as it will only teach him that it's OK to break hearts but not things.

[Starr]

Maybe he could become the special "duster" of the special chair and take very good care of it for you.

[kolamum]

I don't think she means breaking as much as "marring" or putting a mark on it with a marker or other item. Sometimes tough love is what some children need.

 

Having said that 6-7 is a rough age. Oh my how hard it is. I think they are struggling with the "I'm not a baby anymore, but I'm not quite as grown up as I wish I was!" One of mine was harder at 7 where the another was harder at 6. The later still has stubborn streaks where, "I don't want people to tell me what to do! I'm big enough to make my own choices!" It can be rough.

 

 

I think, if it were me, I might extend grace this time. Explain to him that while you aren't convince he's being totally honest with you, you are willing to give him the benefit of the doubt just as Jesus would. Can you share stories of the rocking chair with him?

 

Sometimes the "preciousness" of an item is hard for kids to understand until they know the stories behind it. I have a rocking chair {not presently in our home} that was given to my mother when I was born. It was then given to me when my child was born. Sweet memories in it indeed, and I've told my children those stories many times. It makes certain things mean something to them.

[Ellie]

My husband mentioned (privately) that we could let him open one of his Christmas gifts and then marr somehow it soon after, so he understands how it feels and will be considerate of other's possessions.

I think that would be a collosally bad idea. Really. But I think another spanking would be in store, and a heart-to-heart talk about how we respect other people's belongings (that chair was not his to do with as he wished), how we take care of the things we have (I can hear my grandmother's voice in my head saying "If you don't take care of your things, you'll never have anything nice," lol), and then how important this chair was to you and what his father went through to have it refinished (I think that should be last, because it was still wrong to damage it whether it had sentimental value for you or it cost a fortune to restore).

 

I'm wondering if you can do some tomato staking, where he has to stay right.next.to.you all the time for awhile. I'm sure he's a sweet little boy, but he managed to squeeze in some alone time--twice--to carve up furniture, KWIM? Seems like there should be some on-going, I don't know, restriction or supervision (more than normal) for awhile.

[jennsmile]

I like the idea of tomato staking. Yes I would be upset, but let me put things in a different light.

 

I have the family cradle I received it in 2008 when I had my 3rd son. My older kids found the markings written inside, Josh several times. When I pointed it out to my parents we were all misty eyed as my brother Josh passed away in 2007. My parents had no idea that he had left his mark but it was all the more precious to our family because of it.

 

So add it to your family story and history. And love that little boy. I have permanent marker on a bookcase from number 2. My quilt I made for number one has a big patch that was from him placing an iron on it all night, thankfully the house didn't burn.

 

:grouphug:

[jennsmile]

Maybe he could become the special "duster" of the special chair and take very good care of it for you.

What a great idea!

[elegantlion]

I would let it go. Messing up his new gift would be teaching him to be vengeful. When you are older, you will have a totally different view of those little hearts etched into the chair. They will not be a sore upon your heart as they are now. For now, believe him that they happened on the same day as the sewing cabinet. Discuss how it would have been better if he had shown you his other handiwork at the time so that he wouldn't have been "caught" again for the same crime. Then, let it go.

 

:iagree: Perhaps he saw the work that had been done and wanted to add his touch. Six year olds have weird logic. Years from now you will rock in that chair and remember when he was so little. Get him some wood and markers and let him make you a picture, show him a more appropriate venue for his artistic work.

 

Yes, my son decided to decorate a coffee table by hammering on it. Then he wrote in marker under the top. My dh refinished the top, leaving all the hammer marks, and the writing is still under the table.

[Mommyof4ks]

I like the tomato staking idea. When my kids need that they learn very quickly o straighten up, because it usually comes with lots of chores with mommy. :D

 

My kids all got in trouble for damaging stuff when they were 2 and 3, so I guess they got it out of their systems at that time, since 6 and 7 were fairly easy for us. I don't know which age would be worse.

[cbollin]

I don't think "marring" one of his own things will work. It seems a bit immature, IMHO.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

There is nothing good that will come from breaking his stuff. That is an act of anger from adults. It will not teach the lesson you want to teach. Glad you recognize that as you questioned the wisdom in it.

 

Is it possible that your child just wanted to give you a gift of hearts and love and honestly didn't understand that the way he did it would "ruin" a piece of wood in your eyes? My goodness.. he drew hearts on a piece of wood. He's 6 and just doesn't understand the economics of it.

 

OP wrote:

"He is such a sweet little boy, but his attitude has recently turned less obedient and more willful. He's been getting in more trouble lately. But I keep thinking--He's six, it's a phase we need to work through. Am I right?"

 

 

Is it just the stress of holidays and no money with the adults that make you see 6 year old behavior as something more than it is?

How are you as adults handling the crazy stress in your life? Is that what you are seeing in your child?

 

Have you thought about signing up for parenting tips from Turansky and Miller

here's the link

http://www.biblicalparenting.org/

 

I'd choose to believe the child did it all on the same day and you didn't notice.

 

edit to add: if he likes to scratch wood... get some wood to scratch. if he likes to decorate, get some paper and art tools. tell him to ask permission for those art and carving tools.

 

-crystal

[mommaduck]

One of these days, your little boy will be grown and you will still have those scratched hearts. Find him something to draw on or give him wood and a scratch item. Or a keyboard to tear apart, etc.

[SKL]

I just wanted to make another point about the "marring" idea.

 

Since you asked for Godly advice.

 

Forgiveness is an important lesson you can teach your children. If, as late as Christmas morning, your child sees that you and dad are holding resentment in your heart to the point that you would retaliate against his Christmas present, he will see that forgiveness is not for him. Either he does not deserve forgiveness from those who love him most, or forgiveness is just a fairy tale.

[mommaduck]

I just wanted to make another point about the "marring" idea.

 

Since you asked for Godly advice.

 

Forgiveness is an important lesson you can teach your children. If, as late as Christmas morning, your child sees that you and dad are holding resentment in your heart to the point that you would retaliate against his Christmas present, he will see that forgiveness is not for him. Either he does not deserve forgiveness from those who love him most, or forgiveness is just a fairy tale.

:iagree: Do not retaliate. I came from a home where love seemed to be "earned" and every little thing I did was held against me for life. The spankings I could have lived with, as long as it had been left at that, but it wasn't. Don't retaliate on top of it!

 

You may want to do a search on Grace Based Parenting ;)

[maddykate]

Maybe he could become the special "duster" of the special chair and take very good care of it for you.

 

 

I absolutely love this idea! Let him know how special the chair is to you and allow him to be the one to take care of it for you. That is a wonderful idea!

[mirth]

I wouldn't call the OP's idea retaliation, but I don't think it is great idea either. Also, OP, if you just don't find the hearts cute or endearing (yes, this is an emotion you are allowed!), tell him so. Then sand them out and revarnish. Really, with a baby coming, you don't want to think about this negatively everytime you sit in the chair. You want no object in the house that is loaded with negative emotion (so for sure, don't create another one)

[Laurie4b]

You've gotten some good advice: Give him an acceptable alternative for his "woodworking," realize that the chair is a big deal to you for reasons he can't understand and forgive him. Whatever you do, don't retaliate. A logical consequence would be having him take extra care of the chair or some other stuff in your house: do the dusting, etc. for a period of time. The "logic" is that he harms an object, so he learns to care for objects. I wouldn't spank for that, either.

[julikins]

Wow, thank you guys! This is why I asked! I really needed the voice of those outside the situation and have experience, to know how to handle this in a godly way. I know we were in the middle of emotion and didn't want to do anything that would be reactive, angry, hurtful or teach the wrong thing. Thank you!

 

We have been completely stressed out with not only the finances but trying to learn how to live and deal with a new culture that we don't understand, where everyone thinks we're the rich Americans and rip us off left and right, etc. So, yes, we have been trying to separate the stress of housebuilding and our work here and not allowing it to affect our family and our Christmas preparations. But I know it does affect them regardless of what we mean to do.

 

The more I think and pray about it, the more I like the idea of Tomato staking. I've never heard that term before, but I love the name. I don't know if he would think of it as a punishment though because he absolutely loves being with me all.the.time! I will also talk with him about how he would feel if someone marked (that's what I meant to write) his favorite Christmas present. We won't do it or threaten even, but I want to help him understand that we do need to take care of our belongings. I don't want to hurt his heart, but teach him through this.

 

That being said, I do think he is going through a phase and we need to be on top of it. I was sadder than mad, and my husband was more angry and hurt--feeling like his efforts and hard-saved money, research to find someone that does it, driving two hours one way to drop it off and then pick it back up, was wasted. But both of us have loved on him after this and told him that we love and forgive him. So we will get past this and we pray that he will learn through it.

 

Thank you all. And Crystal, thanks for the link. I'm always looking for resources for encouragement since we're on our own way out here.

[melissel]

I just wanted to make another point about the "marring" idea.

 

Since you asked for Godly advice.

 

Forgiveness is an important lesson you can teach your children. If, as late as Christmas morning, your child sees that you and dad are holding resentment in your heart to the point that you would retaliate against his Christmas present, he will see that forgiveness is not for him. Either he does not deserve forgiveness from those who love him most, or forgiveness is just a fairy tale.

 

This is lovely, and :iagree:. I agree with a lot of the gentle advice given too. I also wanted to throw in that for my strong-willed DD6, this was indeed a phase she went through when she was 5, for about 6 months. I even posted here about it! No amount of discussing, punishing, scrubbing etc. deterred her. She was so remorseful every time she did it, but she just couldn't help herself. It drove me insane, but thankfully, thanks to some other discussions I'd read here, I was able to realize that this bizarre, experimental, destructive phase is something most of us went through, including myself! (I can remember practicing cursive Gs on the bright white quarter round at the base of my bedroom walls, and having no answer later when my parents asked had possessed me to do it :tongue_smilie:)

 

Be kind to your little guy, and remember why he scratched those hearts on a chair he knows you love :grouphug:

 

ETA: Oops, I was typing as you were posting! I'm sorry things are so hard, and I think you have a good plan!

Edited December 24, 2011 by melissel

[jennsmile]

http://raisinggodlytomatoes.com/

 

Here is where we all got the term. :001_smile:

[jujsky]

I think if you wanted to go the Christmas gift angle, then once you find out what his favorite Christmas gift is, you sit down with him and ask him how he would feel if someone wrote on it with marker or scratched it on purpose or otherwise did something to it that made it not as nice. Then ask if he would ever decide to color on it or scratch it. Then explain to him that when he scratched into your chair, that's what he did, and that you were very sad and a little angry that he would do that to your things because he just (hopefully) admitted that he would not donthings like that to his own things. I would then explain that if it happens again, he will be responsible for fixing it-with his labor if possible, but with his money if not, meaning that all piggy bank money, allowance, and gift money will go to mom and dad until it can be fixed.

 

:iagree:

[jennsmile]

Please, instead of that horrible raising godly tomatos site look at gentle christian mothers instead. www.gentlechristianmothers.com

 

 

Thanks for the recomendation off to look. I don't follow raising godly tomoatoes strictly. ;)

[Remudamom]

Let it go.

 

And sorry, but your dh's idea is outrageous. No, no and again no.

 

One of ours carved her name in our front door and the older she gets the more precious that carving becomes.

[Anne in CA]

When my dd was five she used a pen to "carve" a pattern into the only new chair we owned. She blamed the next door neighbor's son when I noticed it. I showed his mother who pointed out to me that her son never could have made a pattern, he was only three. DD was disciplined and made to clean the chair as well as she could. We still have it on the back porch today, lol.

 

Fast forward to: we thought she understood but the next year she cut a hole in my expensive new shower curtain. In the very middle, lol. Dh was in college and I could not afford to replace it for several months. She got no allowance until I could replace it, but I pointed out to her many times when we were in the bathroom that it was ruined. She didn't like to hear it, but she never destroyed something in the house again.

[love2read]

It's the age and while I don't know what is going through their mind, I had two children around that age do something similar. We had our piano refinished at quite an expense and my almost 7 year old took a pin and scratched swirls all along the tops and sides. It looked worse than before we had it refinished. I don't remember the punishment, but I do remember he didn't know why he had done it except to see what it would look like. Another time we replaced all of the windows in our living room. We had them less than a week when my daughter, who was around 5, brought a rock inside and scratched one window. She just rubbed the rock over and over the window because she wanted to see what it would feel like with scratches. I made her clean the windows once a month for long enough that she understood why we don't scratch windows.

 

I would ask him to go someplace quiet and think about why it would be upsetting to have someone do that to your rocker and then have him explain it to you along with a sincere apology. Then ask him how he can make it up to you and let him think on that for an hour or two and if it at all shows remorse, accept it. It's the remorse that you want to see and nothing else.

 

We still have the piano and window scratches. They are a part of the fabric of our family history now and have gone a long way in reminding the kids not to act impulsively.

Edited December 24, 2011 by love2read

[Ottakee]

I agree with not making too much of a big deal about it but maybe keeping him close is a good idea.

 

Sounds like he might also be very stressed out--new country/culture, parents stressed about building a house, etc. That is a lot for a 6 year old and they just do things without thinking.

 

Maybe he could learn some woodworking skills and how to properly take care of things.

[Rjmakmom]

I think the saving grace is that he scratched heart shapes. ;)

 

I think that, over time, those scratches will become dear symbols to you.

 

They grow up, you see! One day you will be an old woman, rocking in that chair, and you will rub your hands over those faded scratches, and remember the little boy he was and is no more.

 

 

:D

 

I had something similar happen with a special table that had been my Grama's and my oldest ds carved his name into the side. He was 5 or 6. I was so upset and so heartbroken. He is now 16. A moody teenager with everything that goes with that. I can now look at his childish scratching on that table and smile as I remember the little boy he used to be.

[TranquilMind]

I don't like the idea of ruining one of his presents. That brings you down to the level of a child.

 

I would think that the consequences are that you don't trust him alone and so tomato stake him. Require that he has be be within sight of you at all times.

 

Good luck.

Totally agree. Don't damage one of his presents!

 

It's a phase, believe me. My kid scratched a tic-tac-toe on the surface of our bathroom counter! And poked a hole through a painting. All around that age. It's exciting to see if you can make things happen. He will totally get over it. I'd let it go but watch closely, because it does tend to happen a few times. It really isn't willful disobedience, but more an experiment at that age.

[leeannpal]

I think the saving grace is that he scratched heart shapes. ;)

 

Honestly, while I certainly see the disobedience, and the hurt he caused you, I think that, over time, those scratches will become dear symbols to you.

 

They grow up, you see! One day you will be an old woman, rocking in that chair, and you will rub your hands over those faded scratches, and remember the little boy he was and is no more.

 

Think how dear the scars on Jesus' hands became--marks of his love for us. Your little boy may have made the marks out of curiousity or disobedience, but you can redeem them by thinking of them as marks of his boyhood.

 

I would forgive him and love him up.

 

 

And maybe give him his own supply of soft soap to learn to carve! :D

I so agree with this! Remember, over time, the antique rocker will get marred at some point. How precious t have those little hearts.

 

I do think there is a difference in willful diobedience, i.e.-he did it to hurt you, and childish behavior. How has he reacted to your disappointment?

[Jennifer3141]

I cannot believe any adult would actually think about ruining a child's present in some sort of revenge against their child for basically just being a child. Is the OP truly serious?? That makes me feel nauseous. :(

[rwjx2khsmj]

I think the saving grace is that he scratched heart shapes. ;)

 

Honestly, while I certainly see the disobedience, and the hurt he caused you, I think that, over time, those scratches will become dear symbols to you.

 

They grow up, you see! One day you will be an old woman, rocking in that chair, and you will rub your hands over those faded scratches, and remember the little boy he was and is no more.

 

Think how dear the scars on Jesus' hands became--marks of his love for us. Your little boy may have made the marks out of curiousity or disobedience, but you can redeem them by thinking of them as marks of his boyhood.

 

I would forgive him and love him up.

 

 

And maybe give him his own supply of soft soap to learn to carve! :D

:iagree:

Your son's thoughtless actions didn't destroy your chair nor the love in which the gift was given. The chair still works, you can still sit in it and enjoy it. The marks will become part of the chair's history. You love your son, explain what not to do again and move on.

 

Especially in this case, at this time of year, where God showed us ultimate generosity and mercy, two wrongs do not make a right. I doubt that a six year old would understand the purpose behind marring his gift nor do I think that it would turn his heart to obedience.

[myfunnybunch]

I think the saving grace is that he scratched heart shapes. ;)

 

Honestly, while I certainly see the disobedience, and the hurt he caused you, I think that, over time, those scratches will become dear symbols to you.

 

They grow up, you see! One day you will be an old woman, rocking in that chair, and you will rub your hands over those faded scratches, and remember the little boy he was and is no more.

 

Think how dear the scars on Jesus' hands became--marks of his love for us. Your little boy may have made the marks out of curiousity or disobedience, but you can redeem them by thinking of them as marks of his boyhood.

 

I would forgive him and love him up.

 

 

And maybe give him his own supply of soft soap to learn to carve! :D

 

This, exactly.

 

I have a spot on my wall, written in Sharpie: "I love Mom" decorated with hearts and smiles and flowers. I was angry at first, but I am SO grateful that I hugged and put the Sharpies away instead of scolding and punishing. (Heh. Chris is right about those hearts...they just softened me in the nick of time.) I do treasure it every time I see it, and regret that someday I will have to paint over it. That ds has never written on the walls again.

 

What a lovely thoughtful gift from your dh. :grouphug: I completely understand how you feel about the scratches. You can refinish the chair again someday. But your little one won't be 6 for very long.

 

Cat

[jennsmile]

This, exactly.

 

I have a spot on my wall, written in Sharpie: "I love Mom" decorated with hearts and smiles and flowers. I was angry at first, but I am SO grateful that I hugged and put the Sharpies away instead of scolding and punishing. (Heh. Chris is right about those hearts...they just softened me in the nick of time.) I do treasure it every time I see it, and regret that someday I will have to paint over it. That ds has never written on the walls again.

 

What a lovely thoughtful gift from your dh. :grouphug: I completely understand how you feel about the scratches. You can refinish the chair again someday. But your little one won't be 6 for very long.

 

Cat

 

Just put a frame around it and paint around the frame. :001_smile:

[TranquilMind]

This, exactly.

 

I have a spot on my wall, written in Sharpie: "I love Mom" decorated with hearts and smiles and flowers. I was angry at first, but I am SO grateful that I hugged and put the Sharpies away instead of scolding and punishing. (Heh. Chris is right about those hearts...they just softened me in the nick of time.) I do treasure it every time I see it, and regret that someday I will have to paint over it. That ds has never written on the walls again.

 

What a lovely thoughtful gift from your dh. :grouphug: I completely understand how you feel about the scratches. You can refinish the chair again someday. But your little one won't be 6 for very long.

 

Cat

Right. It is so hard to remember that when you are in it. But it goes fast.

[TammyinTN]

I think the saving grace is that he scratched heart shapes. ;)

 

Honestly, while I certainly see the disobedience, and the hurt he caused you, I think that, over time, those scratches will become dear symbols to you.

 

They grow up, you see! One day you will be an old woman, rocking in that chair, and you will rub your hands over those faded scratches, and remember the little boy he was and is no more.

 

Think how dear the scars on Jesus' hands became--marks of his love for us. Your little boy may have made the marks out of curiousity or disobedience, but you can redeem them by thinking of them as marks of his boyhood.

 

I would forgive him and love him up.

 

 

And maybe give him his own supply of soft soap to learn to carve! :D

 

:iagree: He's gonna be grown before you blink twice.:grouphug:

[lauranc]

 

My husband mentioned (privately) that we could let him open one of his Christmas gifts and then marr somehow it soon after, so he understands how it feels and will be considerate of other's possessions. I don't know if that accomplishes the goal or what it will do. We really have no idea how to handle this situation.

 

 

 

 

Bolding mine. The idea of a parent intentionally wrecking or 'marring' a gift that a child has just opened to 'teach him a lesson' sounds vindictive and somewhat juvenile. :001_huh:

 

Your son is 6. He is going to make many mistakes growing up. Mistakes are important because we learn from them. If you wreck something of his to teach him a lesson, the main lesson he will learn is that he cannot trust you-- which I am sure you do not want him to feel.

 

When my daughter was 6, she used a pink crayon to make a very pretty picture on her carpet. I was not happy. I told her how unacceptable it was, and with a bit of help she cleaned it up. She did it again. Again, I told her it was not at all ok, and again she cleaned it up. Never happened again.

 

I was stern, but not mean. I showed my disappointment--- had her clean it up both times.. and that was that.

 

If I was you, I'd work with him to somehow fix what he did if you want... or you can look at with different eyes as Chris in VA suggested.

 

I can tell you have his best interest at heart, and I know it isn't easy to raise kids! Good luck :001_smile:

[AimeeM]

http://raisinggodlytomatoes.com/

 

Here is where we all got the term. :001_smile:

 

Teaching infants to submit? His reminds me vaguely of The Pearls'.

[LND1218]

In our house, restitution would be in order. We follow Biblical restitution. Sometimes full restitution is too much for a child, but they still get the message that when you damage something it needs to be repaired or restored. If it were my child, they would be responsible for making it right. Exactly what that looks like varies depending on many things including age.

[Ester Maria]

Forgive him and let it go. Not a hill to die on. Not a reason to hold grudges or demonstrate ill-will towards the child. Not a reason to have bitterness in the air during the holiday season. Do not sweat the small stuff, just not worth it in this particular case. Some love, some understanding that vindictive mentality is not exactly what any of you need right now, and enjoy your holidays with, like you emphasized in your OP, your sweet and good little boy.

[Mergath]

It does seem to be something about that age- I did much the same thing when I was five or six- so I'd think about getting him some kind of simple wood carving kit. Nothing dangerous, just something to let him get the need for that kind of sensory stimulation out of his system.

 

I'm glad you decided not to retaliate against your child, op. That would have been wrong. I sincerely hope your dh doesn't come up with parenting ideas like that often. :sad:

[Nakia]

I understand being mad. I have very little nice furniture, but my bedroom furniture is really nice. About a year ago when Cora got mad at me, she went in my room and wrote, "Enoic" on my dresser and drew a big heart on Patrick's chest of drawers, all in Sharpie. When I asked her about it, she said the letters on my dresser said, "My mommy is mean" and she drew the heart on Patrick's chest because she loved him most. It was then I realized I had been kinda mean to her. She didn't know how else to express that her feelings were hurt. And those letters and that heart on still there.

 

I am NOT excusing this behavior because children must learn they can't destroy someone's property. But it did give me an opportunity to talk to her about a good life lesson: Respect people's things. And honestly, that's a lesson that you will be teaching for a long time. :001_smile:

 

Anyway, I agree with the others that marring or destroying one of his things is just flat out mean. And exactly what you are trying to teach him not to do. A little bit of grace goes a heck of a long way.

 

:grouphug:

[julikins]

I cannot believe any adult would actually think about ruining a child's present in some sort of revenge against their child for basically just being a child. Is the OP truly serious?? That makes me feel nauseous. :(

 

I'm sorry this has upset so many people. It was a thought, a reaction, not an action--we never said it or did anything. Our first action with our son was ask him what happened and when, then we told him he shouldn't have done it because it was special to mommy and told him we would pray about how to teach him not to do it again. He was immediately remorseful and asked forgiveness. We forgave him right there. Then we talked privately and were upset, yes. But as soon as we talked with him again we extended grace, hugs and kisses and reiterated our forgiveness. There was no yelling, berating, any of those things.

 

In our conversation where the thought came to mark a gift like he marked my gift, it was not a vengeful thing, that was not our intent, it was to teach a lesson of how it would feel like. But in reading these posts, I realized that would not accomplish the goal. That is EXACTLY WHY I ASKED THE QUESTION! Because we were so upset, we were feeling the emotion of the loss, but didn't want to do anything wrong or hurtful, but wanted to know if this was normal or not. We needed outside experience and an unemotional perspective to know what to do. My husband and I were together reading the replies and they helped us know how to deal with the situation.

 

I've never faced a 6 year old that was destructive before, he's our 2nd and the first wasn't that way. I'm baffled constantly with raising children having never been around little children or had experience with kids growing up. That's why I like this forum because I can read and participate in discussions, ask questions, and lean on the wisdom and experience of those who have gone before. My last intent was to start something controversial or appear to be horrible parents. We are trying to do our very best as lost sinners trying to raise children that will love the World the way Christ loves them. Not in hate and judgement, but grace and forgiveness, but sin does need to be dealt with, and I was looking for perspective on if he did this willfully or not, having knowledge of the destruction or not. That was my point. How to teach, not how to punish and be vengeful.

[Mergath]

I've never faced a 6 year old that was destructive before, he's our 2nd and the first wasn't that way.

 

Part of your problem may be that you're viewing this as "destruction," whereas most kids his age see it as "decorative." I'm sure that, as he was doing it, he wasn't thinking, "Heh heh heh, I'm going to ruin this chair FOREVER!!!!" *crashing thunder* He was probably thinking something like, "Oh, I can make pretty hearts on the chair! I like hearts. Mommy is pretty and now her chair is pretty too."

 

If you're having trouble figuring out what is an appropriate reaction to certain childhood behaviors, getting a few books on child development from the library to understand what is and isn't normal can be immensely helpful.