DawnM Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Just curious how often this is still done. My husband did not. We got serious and engaged while my parents were in Africa and there was little in the way of communication other than letters back then. They didn't have phones where they were that worked very well at all. So, we were engaged and planned the wedding around their furlough so they could be there. My father would have approved anyway...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RegGuheert Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I voted 'Other', since I don't have a husband. ;) But I DID ask MomsintheGarden's father for her hand in marriage. The man couldn't speak for about THREE HOURS!! It was hilarious!! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 My father died when I was 8 years old, but DH did ask my mother if he could marry me :001_smile:. It was probably a little absurd, really, as I was 33 years old at the time, and it's not as though we'd have changed our plans if she'd said no. DH is just very old fashioned about those kind of things. My mother couldn't have been more delighted, she said she couldn't haven't chosen a more wonderful DH for me herself. And she was right :001_wub:. Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 I wasn't 33, but I was 29 when I got married so I do agree.....it isn't like you need "permission." I had been on my own for 11 years and living in a different country than my parents for that amount of time, so it wasn't like I was under their care and young and naive. Dawn My father died when I was 8 years old, but DH did ask my mother if he could marry me :001_smile:. It was probably a little absurd, really, as I was 33 years old at the time, and it's not as though we'd have changed our plans if she'd said no. DH is just very old fashioned about those kind of things. My mother couldn't have been more delighted, she said she couldn't haven't chosen a more wonderful DH for me herself. And she was right :001_wub:. Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 That has been more than 16 years ago. My parents were divorced and my mom had custody. I really don't remember if he asked my dad or if he asked my mom, but he did ask. I didn't vote in the poll. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ByGrace3 Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I was living in another state than my parents, dh and I had already talked about marriage, we knew we were just waiting on him meeting my parents and asking my dad. We picked them up at the airport, headed to run an errand, and while I was in the building he asked my dad. :001_smile: He said doing it the first night was the only way to surprise me :tongue_smilie: It was simply a traditional formality for us... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I voted yes and other. I am not sure exactly how the conversation went, if DH asked my parents or if my parents asked DH what his intentions were, whatever it was, the next day DH proposed to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 No. I was already knocked up so the DH and I just voted for marriage on the way down to his parents one day. We're very romantic people. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 My ex did not. He would not have gotten it. Dad was right... My dh did ask. I had NO idea he would do that. He searched out my Dad via the name of the company he worked for, got his number, and called to set up a lunch meeting. He drove 3 1/2 hours to come see him and have lunch, and get his blessing. it wasn't easy, from what I understand :) I had no idea this happened, and he didn't propose for MONTHS after that, so every one but me knew he was going to propose. I was a bit annoyed by that later, actually. My parents should not have told all my relatives before hand! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 OH, and I was in my 30s, with a first grade son, so no, it wasn't needed, and my dad wouldn't have been upset if he hadn't asked, but my dh believes in doing things the traditional way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 This made me laugh, because when dh asked me to marry him, I really didn't want to say yes, so I said, "You haven't asked my father." It was sort of a way to give myself an out, and so I could think about it more. He responded in a confused voice, "But I don't want to marry your father!" Guess who comes from the more traditional family? ;) I really wish he had--not exactly for permission, but more for approval and blessing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 My dh did not ask, I would have been offended if he did ask. On the other side of the coin, and a bit of a funny story.... My brother was dating a girl still in high school. He is 3? 4? years older then her. He asked her Father "Can I marry your daughter". The Father was surprised and asked "When?" My brother responded, "On Valentine's Day" (Meaning he would propose on that day which was very near. NOT get married on that day) The Father was shocked because he thought my brother wanted to marry her on that day, not just propose. Since that day was so close, and they were young the Father assumed the fast wedding was wanted since she must be pregnant. Lots of explaining and talking later it was all understood, and the Father was relived to know his daughter wasn't pregnant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knit247 Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I voted "other", because DH asked me first and then my father! We met on a blind date while he was home on leave in Aug. '95. DH lived in HI and & in NC. By Dec. he knew that he wanted to marry me and had planned to ask me on New Year's Eve - after he had had the chance to meet my parents and ask my Dad. But - when I went to pick him up in D.C. in mid-Dec., he was so anxious to get engaged and simply couldn't wait :lol: So, he asked me - I said "YES!", and it was about a week later when he finally asked my father! It was then that we told him that we were already engaged - along with the whole story. It was the best Christmas season ever!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homemaker Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I would have been offended as well. I don't understand why you would be offended. My husband called my parents living in Europe to ask my dad. I think it showed a sign of respect for my parents. I don't know why anyone would be offended over that, I think it is sweet and honorable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down_the_Rabbit_Hole Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I voted other. My husband didn't ask my dad instead he went over to my house (I was away at college) and showed him the ring he bought for me and asked my dad if he thought I would accept it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Yes, much to my great and mighty consternation at that time! He knew it would make my dad feel special and included...my dad is quite a sentimental guy and particularly about this daughters. But, it ticked me off a bit because I HATE the concept of women being property of their fathers and becoming property of their husbands. UGH! I.just.do.not.abide.this.kind.of.thinking. My cousin is even more anti-property exchange marriage than I. When her fiance suggested he should ask for her hand, her father was a Southern Baptist Minister at the time so he thought it would go a long way towards forming a good in-law relationship, she broke off the engagement. It took the guy about year to win her trust again and believe me, he didn't mention doing that again! Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I don't understand why you would be offended. My husband called my parents living in Europe to ask my dad. I think it showed a sign of respect for my parents. I don't know why anyone would be offended over that, I think it is sweet and honorable. Just different perspectives. You see the sweet and honourable bit, another woman sees it as her being looked at as the property of her father rather then an independent person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Mine did not. I'm glad. I can totally understand being offended and I probably would have been. If he had gone to my dad and said "I'm going to propose to your daughter and would like your blessing", that would've been okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I don't understand why you would be offended. My husband called my parents living in Europe to ask my dad. I think it showed a sign of respect for my parents. I don't know why anyone would be offended over that, I think it is sweet and honorable. Because I don't think my Father has any say in the matter. Because I don't feel my Father deserves that kind of respect. Because it would make me feel like property. It would seem creepy to me to think What if my Father said "no". That would make things awkward since I wouldn't really care about his "no". I also thought that if he had my Father might have thought he had some sort of right? responsibility? towards me that he did not have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Just different perspectives. You see the sweet and honourable bit, another woman sees it as her being looked at as the property of her father rather then an independent person. This. The historic tradition does not stem from some noble attempt of the boy to forge a trusting relationship with the parents of the woman he has already proposed to. This comes from the age-old concept that a woman is her father's property, cannot speak for herself, has no legal rights, etc. In most cases, prior to trying to "civilize" the practice in the western world, the woman wouldn't have any prior knowledge that she was about to be betrothed. The menfolk arranged the property transfer and she had no choice. So while I can absolutely understand that many modern women would think it is somehow sweet, I personally can't get behind the concept. Added to this is the insult that no one has adopted the practice of the female approaching the parents of her intended to ask for his hand in marriage. If the marriage were to be an equitable relationship, than logic would deem that if it honors her parents to be asked ahead, then it also honors his. But, that has never been the case and the reason for that is because it all traces back to "women are property". I thought about calling my future father-in-law because it would at least "even it up" so to speak, but I knew the only thing this would garner is, "Wow. M. Your fiance is weird." I set my future dh straight following the incident by thanking him for thinking of my parents' feelings and for wanting to start off on the right foot wth them, but that the only way the engagement could move forward was with the understanding that I am no man's property and we will make decisions in our relationship equally. It hasn't been a problem since then. So, 23 years later, I guess it wasn't a make or break deal. :D But, in my previous post about my cousin, it did turn out to be a harbinger of his real views of women. Though she eventually took him back and married him, she should have gone with her first instincts. He turned out to be a real chauvenist, very disrespectful to her, very uncaring about her feelings in most issues, very much "man is king", and the marriage didn't last very long. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 my dad would've said no, so he skipped that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfatherslily Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I was 18 when we got engaged, so yes, he did ask and I think it was appropriate! I am divorced now and think it would be silly if a future man were to seek out my father's approval/blessing before discussing it with me, since I'm 30, have 3 children, own a house, and have lived 1000 miles from him for 11 years! I think this kind of thing should have flexibility, depending on the situation:) Now, when ex-h asked my father, we had already discussed marriage, looked at rings, and I knew he was going to ask me. So it's not like he didn't have my approval already! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Wolf didn't even meet my Dad until this past summer. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mereminerals Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 My dh didn't meet my dad until after the birth of our 2nd son, so almost 2 years after we were married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I wasn't 33, but I was 29 when I got married so I do agree.....it isn't like you need "permission." I had been on my own for 11 years and living in a different country than my parents for that amount of time, so it wasn't like I was under their care and young and naive. Dawn I was 29, owned my place, etc and would not have married my husband if he had not been the kind of guy to honor my parents by asking them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 my dh did and my dad told no one for the few days in between. I think it was brave of my dh at the time my dad was a little hard to get to know and a little rough around the edges. My dad thought it was cool to be the first to know a secret. I was very close to my sister and mom growing up - and we were very girly; I am sure my dad often felt out of the loop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 No, and I wouldn't have wanted him to. I am not my father's property and he doesn't make decisions about how I live my life. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 My dh did not ask my father first because my father and I did not have that kind of relationship. If I was super close with my dad he would have asked first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Dh did. He doesn't have a father, so he's very careful around mine :p If he would have asked me without asking my dad first, I would have told him to ask Dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 No. I was 22. My dad would have been *so uncomfortable & he was thrilled when we told him & my mom the news. I don't think every dad wants to be asked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scuff Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I checked yes, but other would have been more appropriate. DH took both parents out for dinner and asked both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 No, my father died when I was 13. My dh didn't ask me even. We had both decided we were going to get married and then I asked him if we could get married earlier than we had originally planned (after he graduated from college) because I wanted my mom at my wedding and she was terminally ill. So we got married a few weeks before he started his senior year- I was already graduated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 (edited) No, but I was 36.5 when we met and 37 when he proposed. We had both lived out on our own for many years (he was in CA, I was in MO & NJ). We met through eHarmony, believe it or not! :D Go, eHarmony! :party: We are often amazed at those 29 levels of compatibility. When we say the same thing at the same time, or finish each others' sentences, we shake our heads and say, "Oh, that eHarmony search engine has done it again." :001_wub: :lol: Edited October 7, 2011 by Sahamamama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelanieM Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Nope. We took off to Vegas and eloped so no one even knew we were married until a week after the fact. But we had been living together for four years at that point and were already trying to have kids, so it would have been sort of silly to ask permission from anyone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I didn't have a good relationship w/ my dad at the time--not *horrible,* but not good enough for that. Dh asked my great-grandfather instead, who also walked me down the aisle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heidi Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 No, I wasn't speaking to my father during that time anyway. It wasn't until 6 months after we were married that my father even met my husband. we also eloped so he probably wouldn't have asked anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 No. I was 22. My dad would have been *so uncomfortable & he was thrilled when we told him & my mom the news. I don't think every dad wants to be asked. :iagree: No, my dad also would have been very uncomfortable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I was 29, we had been living together for two years and had owned a business together for a year. Would have seemed silly at that point to ask for a hand in marriage. I also think the idea (not the way it is practiced now) is bordering on barbaric. From the times of women being chattel, and basically being sold off from father to husband. Blech. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Yes. I was only 17 and he was 23. He even asked for permission to date me 8 months before. That took a lot of convincing for my dad, but after 8 months of dating I think my parents knew he was the one before I did, so the asking for my hand part wasn't so difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laundrycrisis Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I would not have let him ask even if he had wanted to. I was never anyone's property. I was also 29 and a fully independent self-sufficient adult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caedmyn Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 DH did...but after he proposed. I asked him to ask my dad because I thought my dad would appreciate that so he did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HistoryMom Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I voted no, but it makes me chuckle to think about what that conversation would have been like. My dad probably would have liked it, but in a how-funny-and-have-you-even-MET-my-daughter kind of way. :) I do fall in the women-are-not-property camp, but as with most everything else, to each their own. If you think it's sweet or necessary for your own relationship, I'm happy to agree with you. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I answered that I don't have a relationship with my father, so dh did not ask him. However, he did ask my mother before proposing to me which I think is just as admirable, not because I am property to him, but he did it because he respected my mom and wanted her blessing for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 no....don't have a relationship with my dad (long story)--I grew up living with an older sister and her husband as parental figures in my life.....I was 30 when dh and I found each other and it never was discussed....we just got married.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Splinter Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I don't have a husband :tongue_smilie: but I did ask my ex-wife's father before I proposed. We visited her parents about a year after we started dating and I discussed it with her father and oldest brother before I asked her (later on the trip). She was only 21 though, I'm not sure if I would have asked if she'd been older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trresh Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 (edited) No. Edited October 8, 2011 by Trresh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeneralMom Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 No, absolutely not. I would never have allowed it and would have been deeply insulted. My Dad would have stopped him if he tried with a firmly placed "I'm not the one you need to ask, she is." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 My dh did. I was surprised & thought it was sweet. :001_wub: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lacie Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 My father died a few years before I met my dh. Sometimes I feel like I really missed out on something special because he was not here to go through this with me. But, it is something that I cannot control. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 My dh did speak with my parents...but it was more of a traditional thing than a permission thing.... Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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