Oakblossoms Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Am I the only one that won't require my children to move out when they hit legal adult age? I went to college and Uni a few years ago and those children were not ready for the environment they were in. I think it is much healthier to stay at home where you still have family. i watched my nephew and friends choose to move out and they have all gone down hill. I will encourage college or trade school. I will encourage a savings account. I have talked to my boys about having a down paymet for a home when they get married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Am I the only one that won't require my children to move out when they hit legal adult age? I went to college and Uni a few years ago and those children were not ready for the environment they were in. I think it is much healthier to stay at home where you still have family. i watched my nephew and friends choose to move out and they have all gone down hill. I will encourage college or trade school. I will encourage a savings account. I have talked to my boys about having a down paymet for a home when they get married. I am with you. I think giving kids the freedom of living on their own without the responsibility of having to support themselves is a recipe for disastor. It doesn't always turn out bad, but I've seen enough to know that most kids don't do well in that situation. I plan to encourage ds to stay home for college and learn to work and have some time to save for when he is on his own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Mine are welcome to stay as long as they want...as long as they are living their lives in a manner acceptable to me. If they think they can just stay home doing absolutely nothing, they will be asked to leave. If they are students, fine. If they are working, fine. If they are looking for work and helping at home, fine. Just sitting around all day? Sorry, so long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Our girls are welcome to stay here as long as they need to, but there are obligations with that. They will be working (or actively searching for a job), and going to school (if they choose to go to college) They will be contributing to the household, and saving for the future. Once they are adults, they will be expected to act like it. :001_smile: My dh and I realize that starting out for the first time will look very different for this generation than it did for ours, and it won't be an easy thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hsmomto4 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 We have all girls so I can only speak as to what we will do with them and that is to encourage them to STAY HOME till they are married. We are also lucky that the college that they will go to is close enough that they can stay home then to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoxcell Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I can't imagine we would just send them packing as soon as they reach 18. I would be fine with them living with us so long as they are working, pursuing higher education, or both. My oldest is 8 so we really have not discussed it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Our kids will (mostly) spend two years living at home and going to CC, then will go further away for the final two years and live on campus. They can come home if they want afterward but will be required to pay significant room and board. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 (edited) Familia. :) Edited September 9, 2011 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Mine are welcome to stay as long as they want...as long as they are living their lives in a manner acceptable to me. If they think they can just stay home doing absolutely nothing, they will be asked to leave. If they are students, fine. If they are working, fine. If they are looking for work and helping at home, fine. Just sitting around all day? Sorry, so long. :iagree: If in school I will not expect them to work or pay rent, but they will have to still follow the household rules and contribute towards chores. If not in school they will be expected to work and pay rent as well as any personal expenses. Not a huge amount in rent but enough to get them used to the real life expections of paying for your place to live, cell phone, and other expenses. Again household rules and pitching in around the house expected. No job, no school, not out actively seeking work, just being lazy. Nope that won't fly. If that was the case it would mean my home was stifling their ability to become productive adults and they need to move out and find a situation that would ensure they did so. I also will not allow them to yo-yo back and forth between living here and not. If something happens and they are in a situation that they need to move back home for a short while to get on their feet I would allow it within reason, but it will not be a way for them to escape from the realities of adult living kwim. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seraphina Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 For a long time I have figured that at least a couple of my children will probably be in my house or under my watchful eye for their entire lives. We have two children who are special needs and while I hope they are able to lead productive lives I know they will need my guidance. We are their parents and we will do so willingly. As for the other three I am perfectly fine with them living at home if they are being productive. I left home as soon as I finished high school which was better than being at home but not ideal. I hope that my children will either work or go to college and if they do they are more than welcome to live at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy1k Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I would't ask a child to move out, but I'd certainly expect him to follow house rules. My son moved out (unprepared) when I told him that it wasn't acceptable to light incense in his bedroom. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 (edited) My parents had a policy that we could live at home rent-free for one year. ETA - after college or if we weren't going to school. We were expected to do chores and participate in family things as well as have a job. When I had graduated college, I really chafed at living at home. We were not getting along. They treated me like a child, not someone who had lived away, managing my own time, managing finances (yes, I was subsidized, but it wasn't a blank check - definitely a frugal budget), living my life. I tried to be courteous, but they would be angry if I went out with people after work or went to a museum event after work instead of coming home for dinner. I am sure I wasn't a model tenant either. I moved out after 3 months. Fast forward several years ... I was living on my own, I had met my future husband, we were talking about not paying rent anymore and buying property. I wanted to save money and I wanted to live closer to future dh. My mom had a health crisis and my dad, being the ultra sound sleeper that he was, almost didn't wake up in time to take my mom to the hospital for a severe hemorrhage. She nearly died. So, I moved home to help out and since it was closer to future dh. They gave me the rest of my 1 year rent free then I paid rent. I saved money. They learned to treat me like an adult rather than a child. I was able to be there for my mom when she needed me. I lived with them until I got married. The 2nd go around of living back at home was much more successful. I don't regret moving out. While I made some choices at that time that I regret, I learned from them. I don't think moving out is always a bad thing, nor does it always lead to bad choices. Kids have to grow up. Some of them need a nudge out of the nest. I think stifling growth can be just as bad as letting them go down the wrong path. So, our plan for our children is the same ... one year rent free and then they pay a modest room and board. That is, according to dh, until they all have their own places, then we sell ours, buy an RV and spend 4 months living in each kid's driveway;). But seriously, my kids may end up with careers where they have to relocate. My oldest will likely go on to graduate school and could possibly end up in another part of the country. I have seen too many young adults not develop independence and responsibility because they never had to. Edited September 8, 2011 by dirty ethel rackham Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I do not want my kids to move out. That is absolutely clear to them. My son sometimes says, "when I turn 18..." I keep hoping he'll grow up enough by that time to not believe that is best. However, there is no way on earth I will continue to support an adult if they refuse to go to school, work, do volunteer work, SOMETHING. Also, if they cannot abide by the fairly lax rules of this house, that would be unacceptable. I don't suspect the latter will be an issue. I'm a little more worried about the not "doing something with themselves" (stealing Wendy's words). I would be surprised if anyone would be fine with their 19yr old (or 30 yr old) sleeping in all day, playing video games to all hours, being disrespectful, etc. And of course, some 19 and 30 yr olds are doing things much more sinister but none of us would allow or be party to those things. But I *want* my kids to stay here a long time. One plans to. The other doesn't. We'll see how it plays out. They are currently 19 and 16yrs old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyable Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 My kids can stay as long as they want so long as they are doing something with themselves (and not burdening me). If they go to college I won't require rent. If they don't I'd probably require they pay something towards utilities at the very least and take care of their own expenses. These are my thoughts as well. Although right now, our house seems very small for the number of people we have. I think I may lose my mind if 7 *adults* are wandering around. :tongue_smilie: Or maybe it will get easier when they stop tackling me and/or interrupting my showers with yelling only to find out that "he looked at me funny." If we had a larger house and maybe a little land (like a half acre would be nice! :lol:) I can see wanting my children to stick around a little longer. Right now this introverted mom wants them to move out as soon as possible, but that's what I *want* not what I would actually do or what is best for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Mine are welcome to stay as long as they want...as long as they are living their lives in a manner acceptable to me. If they think they can just stay home doing absolutely nothing, they will be asked to leave. If they are students, fine. If they are working, fine. If they are looking for work and helping at home, fine. Just sitting around all day? Sorry, so long. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smillard00 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I went back home for my last year of college and first year of work. During that time I was attending school full time and/or working. I paid for my own car and insurance and phone. I also took over the duties of the maid that came and cleaned our house once a week. That was my main contribution to the household. They allowed me to put my salary away into savings (much of it went to buy my car). I also did my own laundry and helped with meals and dishes. I'm not going to give my kids the boot as soon as they turn 18, but I also will not let them just hang out at my house without working or getting an education and helping around the house. Our job is to launch them off into successful adulthood and we will keep that in mind at all times. If they are choosing to work instead of school, I probably would ask for some sort of rent that fits within their earnings and situation, but I would likely put that into a savings account and at some point give that back to them to help with a down payment on a home or some other goal they are trying to achieve. But they don't have to know that. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Mine are welcome to stay as long as they want...as long as they are living their lives in a manner acceptable to me. If they think they can just stay home doing absolutely nothing, they will be asked to leave. If they are students, fine. If they are working, fine. If they are looking for work and helping at home, fine. Just sitting around all day? Sorry, so long. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 My oldest son lived at home until he got married at 23. He still followed house rules, and was a contributing member of the household. He didn't pay rent, but helped out around here and ran siblings to and from activities for me. He was working and going to school. It was a joy to have him here and I'm so glad I had that time with him. He had moved out once to live with friends when he was 21, but came home because he "missed everyone." He is very close to his younger siblings. All my kids know that this is their home and will be until they are ready to establish one of their own. They also know that while they are here there will be expectations as far as behavior and helping with household tasks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Mine are welcome to stay as long as they want...as long as they are living their lives in a manner acceptable to me. If they think they can just stay home doing absolutely nothing, they will be asked to leave. If they are students, fine. If they are working, fine. If they are looking for work and helping at home, fine. Just sitting around all day? Sorry, so long. I totally agree. I also think it's important to set ground rules prior to a child who has been out of the house moving back home...rules that both parents agree to and that the child (er, adult) must live by. I have a friend in that situation right now....her 27-year old moved back home. He's not working; he wants a full-time job, hasn't found one and refuses to look for a part-time job. They are now supporting him and it is causing a huge amount of tension between my friend and her dh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I went to college and Uni a few years ago and those children were not ready for the environment they were in. They aren't children. They behave childishly because we have created a culture that forces them to be children. Young adults raised to be responsible and to have a more accurate outlook on life will be less likely to crash and burn when they move beyond high school. Of course everyone makes mistakes. But you really tip the scales based on how you treat your young adults and what you expect of them. I expect dd17 to behave like an adult and make good decisions. She doesn't always, as my post about food shows. But there is a huge difference between her and a lot of her friends. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 My dh will be the one not wanting ds to move out. I want him to know he always has a home, a place to land so to speak. But, as others have said, there will be expectations. It may that he spends four years at home while in school. I'd rather him live at home and have less debt as he walks into his own life. He has a really cool bedroom that I would love to make into a writing retreat/office, but I'm not going to push him out to do that. I don't expect him to live here when and if he gets married though. I don't know, I've wandered home a few times over the years, temporarily landing with my parents. It felt safe, I want ds to know that. I'd be a hypocrite if I kicked him out at 18. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 No, I'm not going to kick them out as soon as they turn 18. As long as they're being productive and contributing to the family, they can stay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 (edited) We won't require it. Dh was brought up with extended family, so was I. If they CAN, that's one thing, but we won't make them. Frankly, I can't see how they'll be able to afford to. If they graduate with school debt, we'll want them home so they can pay it off as quickly as possible. We don't want them going out there with a noose around their necks. If they stay home for college, then, obviously, we'd like to see them graduate debt free. Edited September 8, 2011 by justamouse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I want my girls to go when they are ready. It's important to me that nothing holds them back from following their dreams. It's mine and my husband's job to make sure they are ready to follow that dream when they are adults. I will not insist they stay home, get married, go off to college, etc. I will encourage them to pursue their ambitions, their dreams, and happiness. It's sounds cheesy, but that's how we feel. And I firmly believe there is no house big enough for two women. So they will have to leave, eventually, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in Florida Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 They aren't children. They behave childishly because we have created a culture that forces them to be children. Young adults raised to be responsible and to have a more accurate outlook on life will be less likely to crash and burn when they move beyond high school. Of course everyone makes mistakes. But you really tip the scales based on how you treat your young adults and what you expect of them. I expect dd17 to behave like an adult and make good decisions. She doesn't always, as my post about food shows. But there is a huge difference between her and a lot of her friends. Tara :iagree::iagree: I think we have extended childhood too far. I am not talking about children who need help for one reason or another. If I have done my job the way I hope to then my dd will be ready to leave home for college. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in Florida Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I guess I am taking the opposition view here. :001_smile: I love my kids and want to have a good relationship with them. In my opinion that means having a demarkation line between dependant child and independant adult. I hope I have prepared them well. I think some of the most telling remarks in the above posts are the 'my house my rules'. Mmmm, no not for me. With the exception of illegal activities or health code violations :lol: my rules are limited to the normal polite behavior two adults expect from each other. Let me know if you will be late, ask if you can pick up anything for me when you are out, don't disturb the household at 3:00 am, type things. I know it would be financially better to attend college and live at home, but 'that way be dragons'. I don't know about boys but IRL it doesn't make for good relationships between moms and daughters. They need to leave, even if they end up returning. I really would not approve of a daughter living at home until she moves into her husband's home. Oldest dd lives on campus so she lives at home for summers. Yea!! we love to have her visit, but she is an adult visiting. We provide financial support because her full time work is extremely demanding academics. Her requirement is to not waste this opportunity. DD17 is already being given more and more control of her life and decisions. She is not a wild kid, but she has her own plans and ideas, this causes more friction than DD20 did as a teen. I know that come next fall she will be ready to go and it will be the best thing for her and us. As adults they will always have a safe place to crash. If they need the space to save up for a home or business they can come home. As adults to adults. If they were just hanging out doing nothing that is not adult behavior and would not apply. :001_smile: Obviously this does not apply to kids with special specific needs, I assume their families have their own plans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 It's nice to see this thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I left home at 18 and needed to. My relationship with my mother deteriorated to the point that I'd have done anything to get out of the house. Sadly I was not prepared to be on my own. Long story short there were some bad choices made and I could have ruined my life. That won't happen with dd. At least not for the same reasons. I will do whatever I can to make sure she and I continue to have an excellent relationship. She will be encouraged to come back if she goes to an away college so that she has time to get some work experience and build up savings to the point that she can have a significant nest egg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 They aren't children. They behave childishly because we have created a culture that forces them to be children. Young adults raised to be responsible and to have a more accurate outlook on life will be less likely to crash and burn when they move beyond high school. Of course everyone makes mistakes. But you really tip the scales based on how you treat your young adults and what you expect of them. I expect dd17 to behave like an adult and make good decisions. She doesn't always, as my post about food shows. But there is a huge difference between her and a lot of her friends. Tara :iagree::iagree::iagree: They are not children...we're just treating them that way. My oldest son is 21 and is serving an LDS mission in California. I haven't laid eyes on him since Nov., 2009. He has grown tremendously as has his self-confidence in his ability to take care of himself and manage his own life. My dd is 18 and is living in an apartment with four other girls in a student housing complex at a university an hour away. It's perfect. The first week she called us non-stop. Now she is completely adjusted, loves where she's at, loves her classes, her roomies, and the ability to make adult decisions on her own. She is in a safe atmosphere (a school full of Mormon kids :lol:), she's very responsible and mature and has never done anything colossally stupid in her life. Why wouldn't we want her to take the next step toward independence? I firmly believe kids learn how to be adults by being given the responsibility to do so. Part of this involves living on your own, paying your rent, budgeting your money and learning to deal with the real world while finding your place in it. I don't think this happens when you're under mommy and daddy's roof until your 25 years old. Our culture is already suffering the effect of prolonged adolescence and not making children leave the nest is a huge reason why. Will they do dumb things? Will they make mistakes? Of course....it's called growing up. Let your children do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxanne23 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 (edited) . Edited January 4, 2023 by roxanne23 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 We do not plan on requiring our children to leave home. I really want to always live close to them as always be really close as a family (think, Indian culture) and I don't think encouraging children go off at 18 for the big, exciting world is the way to achieve those goals (for us). Granted, they may need to find a way to contribute to the family food fund at some point (as of now we will have 5 teen boys someday :blink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I will absolutely not be requiring my children to move out. Assuming the economic situation is anything like it is today, I can't imagine doing it. Even if the economic situation was such that it was easy for a graduate to get a job paying a living wage, I'd still not force them to move out until they were financially and emotionally ready to do so. And I recognize those things may happen at very different times. They might be emotionally ready to leave home at 18 but not have the material resources to do so. Or, they might have the money to leave home, but not be emotionally ready. In either case, we'd be happy to have them at home. We've said that they and their spouse will be welcome to live with us after they marry, especially if they marry when they are younger (late teens or early 20s) and need some time to get on their feet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 My kids are welcome to stay as long as they are making progress toward something. School, job, something. We've never charged our kids anything to stay here, but they always help out. Oddly enough, our 19 year old recently said when she was a kid she was afraid we'd kick her out when she turned 19- which is bizarre since we didn't do that to her sisters and her sisters didn't even move out at age 19. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredmommyof8 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Mine are welcome to stay as long as they want...as long as they are living their lives in a manner acceptable to me. If they think they can just stay home doing absolutely nothing, they will be asked to leave. If they are students, fine. If they are working, fine. If they are looking for work and helping at home, fine. Just sitting around all day? Sorry, so long. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in Florida Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 My mother used to joke about kicking me out. I never liked the "joke". :glare: That said she never did kick me out. I wasn't a thorn on her side though. My mom actually did. :lol::lol: A few weeks after I turned 18 she said to me "You are 18 now, do you need help finding an apartment or do you want to do it on your own?" I LOVE my mom, we had a great relationship all the way up to her death. She wanted me to experience independence (I was already dating the boy who would become my dh). I NEVER doubted her love or willingness to bail me out if I needed it. I am grateful for her example. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5KidzRUs Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Mine are welcome to stay home while they finish college - and welcome to be home longer if they wish. My mom ejected my brother and I when we were very young. We both became emancipated minors and put ourselves through high school. I don't want my children to ever struggle like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Dd19 still lives at home. I do not charge rent or food. This is her home and she is welcome here as long as she needs to be here. She was working full-time but due to stress, she quit and is now focusing solely on finishing her high school diploma. After that, she is hoping to go to college but unless she goes to one far away, she will likely stay here. We can't see paying for a dorm if the college is within driving distance and especially since she doesn't have an interest in living in a dorm. She has friends in college and hears their horror stories. (Obviously not everyone has horror stories but they are fresh in her mind and she hates the idea of having to go through those things.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyatHome Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 We haven't required ours to move out. Currently we have our 24 yo ds and 20 yo dd living with us. Our 22 yo married ds and his wife are also living rent free on our property in an R.V. All of them are actively saving to buy their own homes. The 24 yo pays rent/board and is extremely helpful. He pays for all his other living expenses. His goal is to move out by the time he is 25. We don't make 20 yo pay rent because she is paying for college herself. She does pay for all her other living expenses (car, phone, clothes, etc.) She is engaged and will be moving out on her own when she gets married next year. The 22 yo and his wife pay for all their living expenses except rent. All three all paid for almost all of their own college expenses. Two of them were able to graduate debt free. Both boys lived away from home for at least part of their college years. Everyone is responsible, employed full time, and helpful. Our 16 yo dd benefits from having them around. I would be worried if they planned to stay here forever. But they don't. For now though, I enjoy having them close by. I love seeing them as adults. I love seeing their interaction with one another. Definitely a mutually beneficial situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 My dd will still be in high school when she turns 18 and the current plan is for her to live at home and commute to college for at least the first year. With the economy so crappy and housing so expensive (at least around here) I think expecting a kid just out of high school to be able to completely support themselves is expecting a lot. My dd will be able to stay "home" as long as she is either in school full time or working full time and contributing (financially and otherwise) to the household. It is very very hard to be working enough hours to make a living, dealing with all the things that come of living on your own (bills, car payments, shopping, cooking, cleaning) and try to continue your education in college. I don't see any reason to make it harder on my kids as long as they are showing their own commitment to responsibility and independence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 We will not require our children to be independent or to move out once they reach adult age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 My dd will still be in high school when she turns 18 and the current plan is for her to live at home and commute to college for at least the first year. I turned 18 in early November of my senior year. If my parents had expected me to live independently upon turning 18, unless I could have found a friend or other family member to let me stay with them while I finished school, I don't know how I could have. I don't think there's any way I could have finished high school and worked enough to support myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Am I the only one that won't require my children to move out when they hit legal adult age? You're in good company :D. My grandparents didn't, my parents didn't, and I'm not out to start any new family trends! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 (edited) If they think they can just stay home doing absolutely nothing, they will be asked to leave. If they are students, fine. If they are working, fine. If they are looking for work and helping at home, fine. Just sitting around all day? Sorry, so long. This is how we feel as well. Our children are so welcome to stay as long as they wish, as long as they are contributing to their future and the household in some way, be it college or job/job-hunting and help around the house with things like meal clean-up and their laundry. We don't expect or wish for them to move out when they turn 18. Be careful what you wish for, right? Unfortunately (for all of us, not just our dd--my stepdd), our oldest really does believe that unconditional love meant that we should support her financially while she played on the computer and went out with friends. After her mother kicked her out for refusing to get out of bed or work or go to school or help around the house (or even self-care around the house like doing her laundry and dishes), she came to us. She decided that if we require help around the house (help with meal cleanup, do her own laundry, take out her own trash, help keep the main living space clean), and job (or job-hunting) or school, then she refuses to live with any of us. I keep reviewing the expectations--are they really reasonable?--because she was so adamant that we expected too much. We were kind and firm, and really tried our best to encourage and help, but she decided to move so that she could live her life the way she wanted to live it. I am still sad about this, and feel like we are being punished for the fall-out from her break-up with her mom. We miss her a lot. It's been really hard. But it did get her motivated to get a job and get up off the couch. Things are tough for her right now. I wish she'd come back, but she sees our demands as unreasonable even though she's doing all of the things for herself that we wanted her to do at home--her own laundry, all the meal cleanup instead of helping, taking care of her living space, working. She's happy, so I know it's for the best, but it has been a hard transition for all of us. *sigh* I've really been missing her lately. Cat Edited September 8, 2011 by myfunnybunch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 After listening to Jessie Wise's What I Wish I'd Done Differently I really got on board w/ having my two boys stay at home for at least the first two years of college. And, yes, I'd like them to stay longer if it works for their life. (Of course, I want it to be a healthy situation for all . . . not actually the inability to launch.) Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I would not think of asking my over 18 son to not return home to live unless he were just drifting/mooching off us.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiver0f10 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Our kids can live here as long as they want. If they are in college they can live here rent free. However, if they aren't in college they need to pay rent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 i watched my nephew and friends choose to move out and they have all gone down hill. I have seen a fair bit of this sort of thing as well. In all the cases I have witnessed, the families have treated their teens as children, given them few responsibilities and allowed them to believe they can sustain a material lifestyle that is unrealistic for even a lot of well-established families. I won't insist my boys move out if they cannot support themselves, but we have been teaching them for years to be financially responsible, care for a home, hold a job, etc. I don't think they will find any reason to remain at home as long as some young adults do if they have the wherewithal to support themselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sun Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I feel very fortunate that my parents allowed me to stay with them as I needed after college and during school breaks. I think that paying for my schooling and allowing me to live at home while I searched for a job after college was a huge gift. I'm still appreciating it now, especially when I talk with friends who are still paying off college loans 20 years or more after finishing. If we can provide that same safe haven and helpful start in life, we will certainly do so. The years of 18-25 or so can be a time of a lot of change and growing up, and I would like to be able to provide my children with the type of support that helped me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Anyone ever have the dream that you ask your mom if you can move home and she tells you no? :lol: I've had that dream 3 or 4 times in my adult life. I left home three days after I graduated and I didn't turn 18 for another 6 weeks. I did not have a bad relationship with my mom....she didn't want me to leave....but I just couldn't wait to be on my own. I was so excited. However, I wasn't going to college....and staying with my mom would not have enabled me to work/save since she living in the middle of no where teaching at a small country school. When I see other young adults not go to college and continue living at home---with out a real plan----I do think they are just delaying adulthood. Oh and every time I've had that horrible dream I wake up and call my mom (in the morning!) to verify she would take me back. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 (edited) My kids can live here during their college years if they want. I'm very much in favor of them going to college, so if they don't there needs to be a clear plan on how they are going to become independent wage earners living on their own. If they want to live on campus or in a dorm, I'm totally fine with that. I did, and it wasn't always pleasant. But it did build character. I will say my parent's assistance allowed me to graduate college without debt. I did work through college too, quite heavily over the summers (40-60 hours a week). So it is definitely in our plans to do the same for our kids through undergrad for sure, and maybe even help them do grad school if that's an ambition for them. I lived on my own for 10 years before getting married and I loved it! Edited September 9, 2011 by kck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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