dirty ethel rackham Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 My walking partner broke up with me this morning. I knew it was coming, but I am heartbroken. It is all because of the dog. I had tried to incorporate walking the dog into our morning walk, but he, being a dog, needs to sniff, mark, look at squirrels, greet other dogs. He is getting better on walks, but I feel he needs the mental stimulation of these activities just as much as he needs the exercise. Well, this is just too slow for my friend. Instead of doing 3 miles in 45 minutes, it is taking over an hour. She has tried to do things to make it more of a workout for her, but it just isn't enough. I don't blame her, really. I know this isn't helping her fitness goals. But I am crying. She has been my best friend for 10 years and my walking partner for 4. I feel that this is just one more thing putting a wedge in our friendship. For years, we did so much together, we ran book clubs, science clubs, history clubs, we are both Usborne consultants and basically ran our businesses together. In the last few years, many of those things we had in common have fallen to the wayside ... our kids educational goals have diverged and we don't do as many school activities together. This year, our kids have only one activity together. She has let her business drop as she has moved in other directions. Her oldest more or less dropped my oldest as a friend. Our daily exercise was our last remaining connection. This was just the final nail in the coffin. I feel she has outgrown me. I really value her friendship, but we won't see each other very often, no matter how much we insist that we will meet for a cuppa. Life never works that way for me. Now that she is moving out of my life, I will have no one to talk to, to really talk to. She was my sounding board - and - well - my sanity. Dh is an engineer who doesn't have a strong need for emotional intimacy (a thorn in my side), so, really, her friendship was my sanity. Somehow I need to dry these tears and move on with my day, but I just can't stop crying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :grouphug: Oh, honey. I am so sorry. I have tears in my eyes. You have my prayers! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :grouphug: Are you certain you can't walk with her then take a leisurely stroll with the pooch later in the day? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristinaBreece Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Not silly at all. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: What a crummy way to start the day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :grouphug: Are you certain you can't walk with her then take a leisurely stroll with the pooch later in the day? :iagree: ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I'm so sorry. I know how you feel, because I have had a hard time making friends as an adult, and only have one (MAYBE two) that I feel close enough with when I need to talk. My advice, keep the friendship instead of the dog walk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRG Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Praying for you--I know how hard it is to lose a long-term friendship. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 awww....I've been the left behind friend all to often, especially here in the last couple years. It stinks. bah. I am so sorry. (married to an engineer too. such a sweetie, but (sigh) just a different personality) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I am really sorry. That isn't silly at all. I had a good friend that I did everything with for a few years, then she put her kids in school. I cried and cried, it was really hard.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I am so very sorry! My husband is an engineer too and I understand the need for girl friends. I have been very blessed by having two friends from childhood who are ever constant in my life. No matter where life takes us - no matter how much we outgrow one another, we always come back to our friendship. If I needed one of them, they would be here in a heartbeat and I feel the same with them. I recently lost a friend that I considered a good friend. But as each day passes, I feel better and better about it. She is not the person I thought she was at all and I find myself a lot less "judged" than when she was around. Life goes on and sometimes, even things that hurt us, are for the best. *hugs* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Missouri Okie Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :grouphug: I can totally empathize because my walking partner broke up with me last spring. I, like you, totally enjoyed the girl time chatting about this and that. She emailed me one day and said it made her too tired during the day to get up and walk. That made me very sad, but I understood. What made it worse is that a month or so later I finally got it together and started walking in the mornings by myself only to find her out and about with another walking partner. My feelings have never been so hurt. It still puts me in a funk to think about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkpan Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I think that I must be missing something. My first response is to walk the dog before or after. Why would you choose the dog over the time with your friend? BTW, I am also married to an engineer. Love him to pieces, but there is a definite need for girl time. Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 My first response is to walk the dog before or after. Why would you choose the dog over the time with your friend? Since several people have mentioned this and she hasn't been back to respond yet, I want to share my "take" on it. It seems like the friend not accepting the dog and deciding it meant they didn't need to walk together at all was a "last straw" and a relationship that his been fizzling out for sometime now. Probably, the dog isn't the true reason...it is just one more "nail in the coffin" like the OP said. Please, OP, correct me if I am off here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I'm sorry :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :grouphug: I can totally empathize because my walking partner broke up with me last spring. I, like you, totally enjoyed the girl time chatting about this and that. She emailed me one day and said it made her too tired during the day to get up and walk. That made me very sad, but I understood. What made it worse is that a month or so later I finally got it together and started walking in the mornings by myself only to find her out and about with another walking partner. My feelings have never been so hurt. It still puts me in a funk to think about it. :grouphug: How painful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Ellen, I'm sorry too! I get the feeling that you would have quickly ditched the dog for later but that she used it as an excuse and you kinda saw it coming anyways. I think it was kind of you to let her off the hook, but I sure feel bad:grouphug: for you about it. It's tough when we grow apart from friends. What made it worse is that a month or so later I finally got it together and started walking in the mornings by myself only to find her out and about with another walking partner. My feelings have never been so hurt. It still puts me in a funk to think about it. :( Oh man. My heart hurts just hearing that story. I'm sorry about that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted September 7, 2011 Author Share Posted September 7, 2011 I walk the dog at 6:30 am. I really cannot take him on hour walk at 5:30 and then meet her. After that, I wouldn't be able to walk much at all. After that I need to get ready for school. She needs to be home by 7:45. He is a 20 month old labradoodle who needs at least 5 miles a day plus plenty of fetch time in order to be a decently behaved dog. The old mantra ... a tired dog is a good dog. We NEED a tired dog. He needs it first thing in the morning after he has been in his crate all night. No one else is willing to make the commitment to get up that early and walk him. Dh is not willing to change his morning routine. He needs to leave the house by 7 to be at work on time. Dh walks him in the evenings and my kids take him out during the day. I have tried to do a quick walk with him in the morning and then meet her, but Bear's behavior is pretty annoying that it takes us 2 - 3 times as long to get our morning routine done or we risk him chewing something valuable. I reserve the crate for bedtime and when we have to leave the house so I can't just crate him to get him out of the way. He willingly goes in when he knows it is bedtime or we are not home, but will whine if we are home. The only option is to get one of my teens up to walk him. I have trouble enough getting them up for school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :grouphug:Ellen:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linders Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Do reconsider taking the dog... Your friend sounds so important to you. Can't you resume your walks sans dog, then you and the DC take short strolls with the pooch during the day? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted September 7, 2011 Author Share Posted September 7, 2011 Since several people have mentioned this and she hasn't been back to respond yet, I want to share my "take" on it. It seems like the friend not accepting the dog and deciding it meant they didn't need to walk together at all was a "last straw" and a relationship that his been fizzling out for sometime now. Probably, the dog isn't the true reason...it is just one more "nail in the coffin" like the OP said. Please, OP, correct me if I am off here. It is not that my friend is not accepting the dog. She thinks he is great. When she is at my house for reasons other than exercise, she seems to bond with him. But, to her, he is not a great exercise partner and I see her point. Df needs a brisk walk with nordic poles and a weighted vest to get the workout she wants. Before the dog, I was able to keep up with her. Our fitness goals have been diverging for a while. We had tried sharing a trainer. I kept getting injured, but she thrived on the intense workout. I am not in love with exercise. I do it because I have to - to control my weight, to help with my chronic issues, to keep my moods more stable. I like to walk when I have someone to talk to and keep my mind off of how much I just want to go lie on the couch (which is how we started.) I lifted weights grudgingly because I knew I needed to fight off osteoporosis and try to prevent some of my chronic issues from getting worse. The only exercise I enjoy (as in don't think about how much longer I need to do this) is rock climbing. But that is another story. She stuck with me throughout injuries that forced us to use the elliptical when I couldn't walk. We were able to continue to exercise together because we both got what we needed. It's the dog. Even though our fitness goals have been diverging, we have kept up the walking because we really like that connection and we were able to make it work - until the dog. Other areas in our life were diverging, but we have remained friends. I have been supportive when she went back to schoo to finish her degree She has started a project based learning "school" for homeschoolers and I have been very supportive of that goal, despite the fact that it isn't meeting an educational need of ours right now. She has been very supportive of things I am doing, but they are no longer shared goals. When I said that I think she is outgrowing me, I feel like I have been stuck in a rut of my life - I only have so much energy and most of it is going toward educating my kids and helping my oldest fly the nest. I am a little envious of her energy and drive. I feel like I have been left in the dust. She has never said anything to make me think she feels like she is outgrowing me. This has been my own issue - me looking at my life and wondering if I'll have anything to show for it. Most of my other homeschooling friends are actually done homeschooling and have children in college. They have time for things that I don't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Ellen, your sadness and feeling of loss here is not silly at.all. It's so hard when friendships change, and it does hurt terribly. Grieve this loss, and don't feel a bit guilty or silly about it. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had a similar experience of "growing apart" a year ago, and I cried often. Dh didn't understand (he's an accountant, so a similar brain to an engineer). I prayed God would put new friends in my life, and He has answered my prayers. I have met 2 wonderful ladies in the past few months, and the connection we have was there immediately. I know God gave them to me. I will pray that he will bring a new, dear friend into your life. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in IL Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 My dogs and I would love to walk with you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Are you certain you can't walk with her then take a leisurely stroll with the pooch later in the day? :iagree: Her friendship sounds really important to you; I'd put it before the dog. Can one of your kids walk the dog later? Or your dh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I'm thinking that running the dog would actually benefit him more; do you know how jealous I am for my dog when I see people running by? :( I always think how much happier he would be jogging or going fast. Me, I just stroll. Just a thought. You could try it for a week and see if it worked... by yourself... and then see if she'd run with you again. As far as friends... a few years ago my best friend and I "broke up" and I don't have another friend that is close to me. I had a couple friends I was getting to know, but circumstances changed... and now we have nothing in common, I guess. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5KidzRUs Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :iagree: ? Praying for mending. I want to ask gently and not accusingly, about the dog. Could you have subconsciously added the dog to your walk to test her or yourself in some way? Your children could walk the dog or you could at a different time. Could you call her up and let her know how distraught you are and start again without the dog. Again, praying for mending. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 ... we were able to make it work - until the dog... If that's TRULY the case and you WANT this friendship to continue, you need to find another alternative for the dog. You *can* make that change. If, on the other hand, you're ready for the friendship to go separate ways (and it almost sounds like *you're* the one walking away from it more than your friend is -- yes, you have different goals, but you're the one who feels like it "can't" work any more), then sure, use the dog to bring it to a head. But if that's really *not* what you want. Find an alternative option for the dog. Have the kids alternate walking the dog. *Something*. But if you feel it's simply "time" (and these things happen), well, mourn... And maybe try to reconnect to a greater degree in a few months or a year. The divergence with your friend doesn't have to be "forever". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I understand about the dog. My dogs are also high energy and they NEED a certain kind of care that includes exercise at the right time and pace. If you take a dog into your family there is a responsibility there to meet the dog's need - for the dog's physical and mental health but also for your own protection (due to destruction behaviors if their needs aren't met.) I also understand needing to exercise for chronic issues while finding the right level of exercise that doesn't lead to injury a difficult balance. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LND1218 Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I am sorry - it's hard when friendships go in different directions. We had a dog that needed a lot of exercise. We were struggling to get him tired, and we were told that we shouldn't let him stop and sniff, greet other dogs etc. A social stroll wasn't enough of a workout for him. We were told that in order to get him what he needs that he should walk without stopping to pee on everything or sniff at everything. It really made a difference in his energy level and behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 ...We had a dog that needed a lot of exercise. We were struggling to get him tired, and we were told that we shouldn't let him stop and sniff, greet other dogs etc. A social stroll wasn't enough of a workout for him. We were told that in order to get him what he needs that he should walk without stopping to pee on everything or sniff at everything. It really made a difference in his energy level and behavior. Maybe worth a try at least? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 If that's TRULY the case and you WANT this friendship to continue, you need to find another alternative for the dog. You *can* make that change. If, on the other hand, you're ready for the friendship to go separate ways (and it almost sounds like *you're* the one walking away from it more than your friend is -- yes, you have different goals, but you're the one who feels like it "can't" work any more), then sure, use the dog to bring it to a head. But if that's really *not* what you want. Find an alternative option for the dog. Have the kids alternate walking the dog. *Something*. But if you feel it's simply "time" (and these things happen), well, mourn... And maybe try to reconnect to a greater degree in a few months or a year. The divergence with your friend doesn't have to be "forever". :iagree: And no one else will probably love this suggestion, but I would pay those teens to get up and walk the dog (unless it's their dog too, in which case I would just force them up with a crowbar to do it). :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 BTW, I don't think it's "silly" at all. A friendship fading away is genuinely sad. I'm sorry for the loss... :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 From the perspective of your friend, it may seem you are choosing the dog over her. I would train the dog to walk quickly and ignore distractions during dedicated exercise time. It will be better exercise for him too. It can be his "job". Then let him have a leisurely investigation/playtime later with the kids. Or make it work to walk the dog later with the kids. I just don't see dumping a friendship that is meaningful. And I absolutely adore my dog! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) :grouphug: What I would try is to take Bear out at 6:15 for a 15 minute walk to allow him time to do his thing. Then I'd leave his leash on and bring him up to a son's bedroom and loop the leash around his wrist. I'd alternate days with which son gets the remainder of Bear's walk. Then I'd walk with my friend. It really sounds like you need her friendship and that connection. You'll have one son you won't have to get up out of bed for school - Bear will do that for you. :) Is your backyard fenced? If not, you may want to do that and then one of the mid-day walks could be time in the backyard throwing a ball or frisbee to give puppy lots of running, but the human can take it a bit easier. And I am praying for you. :grouphug: Edited September 7, 2011 by Teachin'Mine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I'm sorry; the closest friendship that I'd had as an adult ended earlier this year. The pain of losing a friend is intense, and I still miss her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) I really am sorry, and I know friendships can be complicated and multi-layered, so there are no easy answers to the heart issues. But I will say that just this week, I started having a trainer come in and help me with my dog. He's a good dog, but needs more stimulation and is getting a little "guardy" for my tastes. I already walk/run him 3 or 4 miles everyday. One thing she mentioned was that when I am walking him, I so NOT have to let him sniff and pee. She said to let him pee before we leave and then keep him close to my side not sniffing/peeing/overly focusing on others. We do this anyway when we run, but I had not really worked on it as a walking behavior. She said that the discipline of running with rules will mentally stimulate him in a way that an "undisciplined" walk will not. So we the last few days I have been doing just that - walking him without letting him take his focus off of me and the "work" at hand (which is simply walking next to me). Then at the end of the walk he can sniff all he wants. Maybe you need to just be broken up with your partner, but maybe this is also a possibility - just thought I would put that out there. Edited September 7, 2011 by Danestress Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollyandab Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 This suggestion will probably make everyone roll their eyes, but... I'll throw it out anyway!! We have a female Siberian husky puppy, 9 mos old. Everything I read said you have to walk huskies, especially females. However, I have not found that to be true. We also have an old American bulldog that romps REALLY hard with the pup for about 15 mins in the morning. It seems to suck the hyper energy right out of the puppy! I have a feeling the old bulldog won't be romping for very long, though, so, probably stupidly, I bought another Siberian pup from our breeder a couple of weeks ago. At first I thought I had made a mistake (total chaos), but now all of them are getting along great. The kids run around the house chasing them and the pups spend hours rolling around wrestling with each other. It works out really well! They get all of their energy out with each other and are extremely well behaved dogs! The new pup is only 4 mos and she doesn't chew on anything or do anything bad. So, I guess my thought is this; perhaps a playmate for your dog?? You'd be amazed how much they'd play together! Then your dog will get her exercise and you can go back to walking with your friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live2Ride Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I'm so very sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomemom Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :grouphug: I can't add anything helpful, but I can pray! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Oh, I'm so sorry for you! Having girlfriends break off their friendship with me is one of the most traumatic things I've ever had to deal with. I hope you can find a new way to connect, or possibly a new friend. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :grouphug: Are you certain you can't walk with her then take a leisurely stroll with the pooch later in the day? I think that's a great idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I guess I am not totally getting it. The way I read your post, it sounds like you are sad because she is breaking things up (in terms of the walking.) But as an outsider reading your post, I could well imagine what she might post on a different forum: " We had this friendship that faded on many fronts, but our last connection was walking for exercise together. Then she brought her dog along and it has to stop and sniff, etc. I tried different things to make it more of a workout for me. She knew I was doing that, yet, still, the dog's needs came first. I guess our friendship didn't matter to her as much as it did to me." I think you and your friend both made choices. You chose to bring a dog into an activity that previously had been done for exercise and to continue doing so even knowing that your friend was having to make changes to try to get her exercise in. She eventually chose to stop the activity. You still have the opportunity to leave the dog and keep the friendship through walking for exercise together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarlaS Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :iagree: And no one else will probably love this suggestion, but I would pay those teens to get up and walk the dog (unless it's their dog too, in which case I would just force them up with a crowbar to do it). :tongue_smilie: I love that suggestion! I was actually looking at her siggy thinking the same thing. I'm not opposed to paying kids for taking over one of my responsibilities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I think I agree with the others, she has made some sacrifices for you to make things work. When the dog was added to the equation that was just too much for her and she wasn't getting what she needed. I think you should try to make some sacrifices for her as well. I would make the kids walk the dog or something else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blueridge Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Bless your heart. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarlaS Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I have a feeling the old bulldog won't be romping for very long, though, so, probably stupidly, I bought another Siberian pup from our breeder a couple of weeks ago. This is what's referred to by husky owners as the potato chip syndrome. You can't have just one. I do though. We had just one husky for six years. One major source of fluff was plenty for me. We did just add a GSD puppy (another double coated breed. I must be almost as nuts as you! ;)). I do often wish we'd gotten another puppy years ago. She wants nothing to do with him. Having two Sibe pups at once would have been a blast. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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