My sister's wedding - what am I supposed to do?

[Sarah CB]

My sister is getting married this summer. I am the maid (matron?) of honor. She had booked a lovely place and I thought everything was settled. She was getting married on an island close to the city she lives in. It's somewhere our family could have driven to.

 

Dd was supposed to be a junior bridesmaid. The boys were supposed to play music between the service and the reception. We've already bought my dress and dd's dress (not a huge big deal).

 

Last night she called me and said they had changed their minds (long story, fiancee is a worrier and was too stressed out about the cost of the wedding) and now they are going to get married in July (instead of August) and in Jamaica!!!

 

It's $1400 (I'm assuming that's before taxes) for the week. Basically, they don't want to pay for a big wedding so now the cost is going to be spread out between everyone. The place they've chosen will do the whole wedding "for free" if 16 people come.

 

We have saved our airmiles for seven years and finally booked flights to Europe for our family. We get back the first week in June. There's no way all of us could go to Jamaica in July.

 

I'm a little ticked off. I don't want to go to Jamaica. Dh has limited holidays that he can actually take. We have four pets - and four KIDS!

 

Why can't she just have a small ceremony at home and *then* go to Jamaica?

 

This is my only sister, so if she's dead-set on going I guess I have to go. But, there's no way we can take the kids as well, I have no idea if dh will be able to go, and there's a whole list of reasons why this is incredibly inconvenient for us especially this year and with short notice.

 

Should I try to talk her out of the Jamaica thing? Should I just respect the fact that it's her wedding and leave her to it? Do I have to go?

[AuntieM]

You do not have to go. Unrealistic of her to expect such a thing of you at late notice (yes, this is late notice considering international travel is involved).

 

Your sister has the right to get married as she pleases. She does not have the right to expect all aboard.

 

There have been several threads on this topic, you may find some interesting reading by doing a board search for destination weddings.

 

Sorry you have to deal with this unexpected turn of events.

[MariannNOVA]

My sister is getting married this summer. I am the maid (matron?) of honor. She had booked a lovely place and I thought everything was settled. She was getting married on an island close to the city she lives in. It's somewhere our family could have driven to.

 

Dd was supposed to be a junior bridesmaid. The boys were supposed to play music between the service and the reception. We've already bought my dress and dd's dress (not a huge big deal).

 

Last night she called me and said they had changed their minds (long story, fiancee is a worrier and was too stressed out about the cost of the wedding) and now they are going to get married in July (instead of August) and in Jamaica!!!

 

It's $1400 (I'm assuming that's before taxes) for the week. Basically, they don't want to pay for a big wedding so now the cost is going to be spread out between everyone. The place they've chosen will do the whole wedding "for free" if 16 people come.

 

We have saved our airmiles for seven years and finally booked flights to Europe for our family. We get back the first week in June. There's no way all of us could go to Jamaica in July. My suggestion would be that you fly to Jamaica alone in July and return almost immediately after the reception. Your sister's idea has its merits (I guess, I don't know them or their situation) but her plan doesn't seem to really work for your family. It's her wedding, though, and you probably will want to be there.

 

I'm a little ticked off. I don't want to go to Jamaica. Dh has limited holidays that he can actually take. We have four pets - and four KIDS! I would have to say that four kids, four pets, and one dh stay home and you go for the shortest amount of time possible. Sometimes folks who are sans les pe**** enfants just don't grasp the logistics of transporting kids and pets from one place to another.

 

Why can't she just have a small ceremony at home and *then* go to Jamaica? I don't know why you don't suggest it to her -- with a workable (albeit short) plan that sort of works for everyone. It's certainly your prerogative. I would tread lightly with my suggestion but at least know that I had suggested it.

 

This is my only sister, so if she's dead-set on going I guess I have to go. But, there's no way we can take the kids as well, I have no idea if dh will be able to go, and there's a whole list of reasons why this is incredibly inconvenient for us especially this year and with short notice.

 

Should I try to talk her out of the Jamaica thing? Should I just respect the fact that it's her wedding and leave her to it? Do I have to go?

 

Oh, my. My answers are above. When dh and I were planning our wedding, we planned to have it on campus at Princeton University -- dh had always wanted that and I loved the idea. We planned everything (it was not a large wedding - 100 guests perhaps). My sister (who is the supreme ruler of the universe, in case anyone wasn't aware) wanted us to be married in Aruba or St. Maarten or someplace like that and have everyone get there on their own dime -- I don't know why, but this is what she wanted. Well, my MIL does.not.fly. At all. EVER. And, dh and I wanted to be married at Princeton, so ds' plans did not come to be.

 

We were married in Princeton, it was convenient for everyone, so many people did not want to fly anyplace, ds was fine with it (I guess).

[QueenCat]

Simply tell her the truth. Don't try to change her mind. Tell her you can come and be there for her but since you've already made firm travel plans for earlier in the summer, the rest of the family will not be able to come. Just not in the budget. Don't get upset with her, just be factual.

[Emmy]

You do not have to go! I think it sounds borderline tacky, if not that, it's at least thoughtless. I have a cousin that had a destination wedding and she gave over a year notice, and even then she did not expect people to shell out money like that. When you choose to have a wedding in another country you give up the right to be unhappy if people don't come. I would maybe go just you, but possibly not even that.

[Impish]

Her decision, don't try to talk her in or out of anything...its just disrespectful, in the same way that someone deciding that they have the right to talk someone out of home schooling.

 

Give her your love and support, and ohhh and awww over the pics/video when she comes back.

 

My eldest brother did a destination wedding. Nobody in the family could afford it, so it was just him, his wife, and his friends that could afford it.

 

When folks choose a destination wedding, imo, they're also choosing not to have everyone present. To expect that folks can afford to be there is like putting your hand in their pocket and spending their money. Not appreciated.

 

End result, its their wedding, and so its all about them, not anyone else.

[Carrie12345]

You don't have to go.

 

My sister's fiance called their wedding off right after her bridal shower. They eventually wound up rescheduling for the next year, and MY family's circumstances had changed by then. She was outraged that we wouldn't be attending, but my family comes first!

 

(It's been a year and a half. She's almost past it. ;))

[Amy in NH]

WoW! That's a HUGE change.

 

It is unrealistic for her to expect that you and your whole family (or anyone else) can swing such a thing at such short notice. If you can't make it (which it doesn't sound like you can), let her know now. If it's important to her that you and your family be there, maybe she can change her mind again. Otherwise, if she's firm on her new decision to get married in July in Jamaica, perhaps she should consider an elopement.

Edited April 1, 2011 by Amy in NH

[Sarah CB]

Ok - I'm emailing her. She hasn't come to a final decision about it yet and it is very cost driven. She told her fiancee she'd be willing to get married at city hall and after they discussed options for a while they came up with the Jamaica idea. Nothing is finalized so I'm hoping there might be room for another idea. I know this isn't my wedding, and this isn't my kids' wedding, but she's their only aunt (dh's brother died last year) so this was a wedding our entire family felt was important.

 

How does this sound?

 

Dear Sis,

 

I wish there was another solution for your wedding. I understand the concerns over the cost, but having it in Jamaica is going to cost the same (16 people times $1400) – you’re just asking everyone else to help pay for it.

 

Have you guys considered doing a small ceremony at city hall (or somewhere) in town and then heading off to Jamaica for a reception/honeymoon? That way people who really want to be there to see you get married could do that and you’d still get to go and have fun at an all-inclusive.

 

I know this is your wedding and your decision, but I hope there's still a little room to think through some other options that might also work for you. We’d be willing to host a wedding here. I’m sure *dh's mom and dad who live in her city and have a gorgeous acre* would love to host one at their house (she loves that kind of stuff). You could have an early wedding and then a sandwiches and tea reception in the afternoon and then fly off to Jamaica.

 

I love you and really do want to be there for you. I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it to Jamaica or not. I do know that the kids wouldn't be able to make it and they were really disappointed when they heard they wouldn't be able to be at your wedding.

[LinRTX]

Dear sister,

 

My entire family is going to Europe in June. We have saved for seven years to do this.

 

I would love to be at your wedding and have even bought the dress. We were all looking forward to sharing this big moment with you in August.

 

Since it has now been moved out of the country and moved to July, I don't see how we can all attend. I'm not certain I can even afford to change plans at this late date, but will try for your sake. Do you think you can help with the cost. Last minute plane tickets are so expensive.

 

Jamaica is a beautiful honeymoon spot!! I so hope I can see you get married as you are my only sister.

[Ellie]

How disappointing. :grouphug:

 

Nope, you don't have to go. As her sister, I don't see a problem with your pointing out how exceedingly difficult--it not impossible--it will be for family members and to travel there, and that you and your family will certainly not be able to go.

 

As an aside, I'm thinking her dh-to-be is kind of a...well, you know. They could stay stateside and do their wedding on a small budget, I'm sure.:glare:

[ocelotmom]

I think it's definitely tacky to expect others to pay for your wedding, whether directly or through their travel expenses. Especially when you're talking more than $1000 per guest, and especially on such short notice.

 

Whether I was honest with her about this (because she may need a bit of a kick in the pants if she wants *anyone* to come to her wedding) or simply politely declined would depend on my relationship with her.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I have one sister. And when she got married I had a newborn. She didn't even send me an invite b/c she assumed I wouldn't come. I decided the day before to get the redeye and take the baby with me. I shocked the heck out of her and I have no regrets going even though it was truly a trip from h*ll.

 

I know it's absolutely the worst timing for you. But she is your sister and you may regret not going. Perhaps you and the kids could go since dh can't get off work? At the least, you should go. She's your sister so you have the right to tell her how you feel and explain it affects your family and who can attend now. And suggest a small thing at home and then a real ceremony in Jamaica?

 

hope it works out so you can have peace about it. just don't regret not going....

 

and you wouldn't be crazy in this economy to be the only one who can't afford to go. if she wants people at her wedding she has to consider most people can't go to another country!

[NanceXToo]

You do NOT have to feel obligated to go!!

 

She does NOT have to feel obligated to stay!!

 

But she needs to be understanding of other peoples' financial situations, etc.

 

It's perfectly fine to say to her something like:

 

Unfortunately, we will not be able to attend if you have your wedding in Jamaica. We just can't afford the cost, the vacation time, the pet arrangements and so on. I wish we could! We do understand, though, if you two choose to go ahead and have a private ceremony there. We'd be with you in spirit. :)

 

Or some such- letting her know you can't make it, but that you won't have hard feelings if they choose to go on without you.

[Annie G]

Dear sister,

 

My entire family is going to Europe in June. We have saved for seven years to do this.

 

I would love to be at your wedding and have even bought the dress. We were all looking forward to sharing this big moment with you in August.

 

Since it has now been moved out of the country and moved to July, I don't see how we can all attend. I'm not certain I can even afford to change plans at this late date, but will try for your sake. Do you think you can help with the cost. Last minute plane tickets are so expensive.

 

Jamaica is a beautiful honeymoon spot!! I so hope I can see you get married as you are my only sister.

 

Love this letter.

[Random]

Dear Sis,

 

I wish there was another solution for your wedding. I understand the concerns over the cost, but having it in Jamaica is going to cost the same (16 people times $1400) – you’re just asking everyone else to help pay for it.

 

Have you guys considered doing a small ceremony at city hall (or somewhere) in town and then heading off to Jamaica for a reception/honeymoon? That way people who really want to be there to see you get married could do that and you’d still get to go and have fun at an all-inclusive.

 

I know this is your wedding and your decision, but I hope there's still a little room to think through some other options that might also work for you. We’d be willing to host a wedding here. I’m sure *dh's mom and dad who live in her city and have a gorgeous acre* would love to host one at their house (she loves that kind of stuff). You could have an early wedding and then a sandwiches and tea reception in the afternoon and then fly off to Jamaica.

 

I love you and really do want to be there for you. I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it to Jamaica or not. I do know that the kids wouldn't be able to make it and they were really disappointed when they heard they wouldn't be able to be at your wedding.

 

I think this is an excellent note. The only thing I would change would be to say it on the phone instead of email, so you can clear up any misconceptions that might occur.

 

What a crummy situation. Hope it works out for everyone.

[Lovedtodeath]

Unfortunately, we will not be able to attend if you have your wedding in Jamaica. We just can't afford the cost, the vacation time, the pet arrangements and so on. I wish we could! We do understand, though, if you two choose to go ahead and have a private ceremony there. We'd be with you in spirit. :)

 

Or some such- letting her know you can't make it, but that you won't have hard feelings if they choose to go on without you.

:iagree:And As soon as possible so she has time to change her mind.

[Starr]

Wow, that is a short notice change and a big disappointment for your dc! Fortunately your family has a great trip planned for this summer. I would go alone if I could manage it or stay home. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I wouldn't go into endless detail as to why you all can't come. She might not see it your way. I would just say that only you or sorry none of us will be able to attend. And I would of course have my not nice moment and tell her I thought what she did in changing plans was really a huge disappointment for your famlly and .... Maybe you don't want to do that. :D An above poster did say that destination weddings are not so everyone can come. :(

[AK_Mom4]

I would stay home and offer to throw a Congratulations party for the couple when they get home from Jamaica. Have the party somewhere that everyone can drive to, wear your new dresses, and have your boys play music.

[Joanne]

There is no way a wedding is going to cost $1400 in a remote setting.

 

What "costs" is she counting? :confused:

 

If cost is REALLY the concern, a small, private ceremony at a church or a JoP is cheap.

 

That said, it is her deal. I'd simply respond with what I could "do", and I would not change my plans with my family.

[Sherry in OH]

My sister is getting married this summer. I am the maid (matron?) of honor. She had booked a lovely place and I thought everything was settled. She was getting married on an island close to the city she lives in. It's somewhere our family could have driven to.

 

Dd was supposed to be a junior bridesmaid. The boys were supposed to play music between the service and the reception. We've already bought my dress and dd's dress (not a huge big deal).

 

Last night she called me and said they had changed their minds (long story, fiancee is a worrier and was too stressed out about the cost of the wedding) and now they are going to get married in July (instead of August) and in Jamaica!!!

 

It's $1400 (I'm assuming that's before taxes) for the week. Basically, they don't want to pay for a big wedding so now the cost is going to be spread out between everyone. The place they've chosen will do the whole wedding "for free" if 16 people come.

 

We have saved our airmiles for seven years and finally booked flights to Europe for our family. We get back the first week in June. There's no way all of us could go to Jamaica in July.

 

I'm a little ticked off. I don't want to go to Jamaica. Dh has limited holidays that he can actually take. We have four pets - and four KIDS!

 

Why can't she just have a small ceremony at home and *then* go to Jamaica?

 

This is my only sister, so if she's dead-set on going I guess I have to go. But, there's no way we can take the kids as well, I have no idea if dh will be able to go, and there's a whole list of reasons why this is incredibly inconvenient for us especially this year and with short notice.

 

Should I try to talk her out of the Jamaica thing? Should I just respect the fact that it's her wedding and leave her to it? Do I have to go?

 

The location and timing of the wedding is between your sister and her fiance. You choose whether or not to attend. Be nice, yet firm, about telling her that it is her decision, but that your family will be unable to attend if the wedding is in Jamaica. Tell her that you are sure it will be a lovely wedding and that you look forward to seeing the pictures. You could even offer to host a small after-the-fact reception for those unable to travel to Jamaica.

 

If your sister presses for reasons you cannot attend, then lay it out for her - 1. Short notice, 2. Non-refundable plane tickets for a long-planned holiday in Europe, 3. Husband does not have vacation time, 4. Cost to your family, 5. anything else you choose to add. Your sister and fiance are likely to find that few people are able to arrange international travel at such short notice. If enough people let them know now that the logistics are not possible they may change their minds about the timing or location of the wedding.

[caitlinsmom]

I would stay home and offer to throw a Congratulations party for the couple when they get home from Jamaica. Have the party somewhere that everyone can drive to, wear your new dresses, and have your boys play music.

 

I like this idea! Let her know that you want her wedding day to be everything she wants but you won't financially be able to fly your family to Jamacia. However you would love to celebrate with her and would be delighted to throw a reception party in their honor upon their return (maybe even get her future MIL in on the action).

[Sparkle]

:lurk5:

[Kim in Appalachia]

My sister got married in Vegas, it was her dh's dream. I had a baby I was still nursing, and we could not afford for me and the baby to fly out. I also had 3 other kids who needed care that weekend, as my dh could not (he had to work, plus to make matters worse, my 2 little girls, who were going to be in her wedding the year before, to someone else, were now not invited). I ended up not going. She is my only sibling, so it hurt. I don't regret not going. I wish I could have, but it would have been a miserable trip across country with a baby. It was their choice, which they made knowing people could not come. I'm still very close to my sister. It did not affect us, because she understood.

 

I think your sister and future husband can get married anywhere they want, but to phrase it that they are getting married there so everyone else will be footing the bill (since 16 others paying gets them a free ride) is just rude. I would tell her that if you can make it and afford it you will try to come, but your whole family couldn't come. What she does is her decision.

[Starr]

I would stay home and offer to throw a Congratulations party for the couple when they get home from Jamaica. Have the party somewhere that everyone can drive to, wear your new dresses, and have your boys play music.

 

:iagree: This sounds fun!

[Sarah CB]

How disappointing. :grouphug:

 

Nope, you don't have to go. As her sister, I don't see a problem with your pointing out how exceedingly difficult--it not impossible--it will be for family members and to travel there, and that you and your family will certainly not be able to go.

 

As an aside, I'm thinking her dh-to-be is kind of a...well, you know. They could stay stateside and do their wedding on a small budget, I'm sure.:glare:

 

Yes, they certainly could. He drives me crazy - he worries about money but he worries equally about appearances. Things like bottling their own wine vs. putting nicer wine on the table (he would have been embarressed with bottled wine) or doing a cash bar vs. supplying all of the drinks (and their friends are big drinkers!).

[AuntieM]

Yes, they certainly could. He drives me crazy - he worries about money but he worries equally about appearances. Things like bottling their own wine vs. putting nicer wine on the table (he would have been embarressed with bottled wine) or doing a cash bar vs. supplying all of the drinks (and their friends are big drinkers!).

 

Cash bar at a wedding?!!! Oh, my....

 

Perhaps you should just suggest to your sister that a simple elopement seems to be what her fiance's budget allows, and you'll be happy to see her at a welcome home party, complete with your piano playing children.

[MariannNOVA]

Cash bar at a wedding?!!! Oh, my....

 

Perhaps you should just suggest to your sister that a simple elopement seems to be what her fiance's budget allows, and you'll be happy to see her at a welcome home party, complete with your piano playing children.

 

:iagree:

[jujsky]

My sister is getting married this summer. I am the maid (matron?) of honor. She had booked a lovely place and I thought everything was settled. She was getting married on an island close to the city she lives in. It's somewhere our family could have driven to.

 

Dd was supposed to be a junior bridesmaid. The boys were supposed to play music between the service and the reception. We've already bought my dress and dd's dress (not a huge big deal).

 

Last night she called me and said they had changed their minds (long story, fiancee is a worrier and was too stressed out about the cost of the wedding) and now they are going to get married in July (instead of August) and in Jamaica!!!

 

It's $1400 (I'm assuming that's before taxes) for the week. Basically, they don't want to pay for a big wedding so now the cost is going to be spread out between everyone. The place they've chosen will do the whole wedding "for free" if 16 people come.

 

We have saved our airmiles for seven years and finally booked flights to Europe for our family. We get back the first week in June. There's no way all of us could go to Jamaica in July.

 

I'm a little ticked off. I don't want to go to Jamaica. Dh has limited holidays that he can actually take. We have four pets - and four KIDS!

 

Why can't she just have a small ceremony at home and *then* go to Jamaica?

 

This is my only sister, so if she's dead-set on going I guess I have to go. But, there's no way we can take the kids as well, I have no idea if dh will be able to go, and there's a whole list of reasons why this is incredibly inconvenient for us especially this year and with short notice.

 

Should I try to talk her out of the Jamaica thing? Should I just respect the fact that it's her wedding and leave her to it? Do I have to go?

 

No, you don't have to go. It's April. Giving you 3 months notice that she's planning a wedding in another COUNTRY is completely unreasonable. I would tell her you're very sorry, you'd love to attend, but it's impossible with the timing and the short notice. It sounds to me like her fiancee is thinking only of his own finances, and instead of shelling out his own money for a wedding, he's putting a big chunk of the burden on family and friends who will need to travel. Are you there because they want you to be there or primarily to fill the 16 people = free wedding for them quota? If your sister really wants you there, she will put her foot down with her fiancee and tell him they can do a small wedding locally if finances are that tight, or they can put the wedding off for another year and save up for a bigger wedding.

[arghmatey]

I would tell her I can't afford it and wish her the best.

 

Yes, you should respect her desire to have whatever type of wedding she pleases.

 

You do not have to go.

[Lovedtodeath]

I think your sister and future husband can get married anywhere they want, but to phrase it that they are getting married there so everyone else will be footing the bill (since 16 others paying gets them a free ride) is just rude. I would tell her that if you can make it and afford it you will try to come, but your whole family couldn't come. What she does is her decision.

Why oh why is telling the truth usually considered rude. I really wish it wasn't.

[Sarah CB]

Why oh why is telling the truth usually considered rude. I really wish it wasn't.

 

I know! That's the part of my email that I'm waffling over, but the truth is the wedding will cost the same it's just that *they* aren't paying for it.

[LibraryLover]

Brilliant!!

 

Dear sister,

 

My entire family is going to Europe in June. We have saved for seven years to do this.

 

I would love to be at your wedding and have even bought the dress. We were all looking forward to sharing this big moment with you in August.

 

Since it has now been moved out of the country and moved to July, I don't see how we can all attend. I'm not certain I can even afford to change plans at this late date, but will try for your sake. Do you think you can help with the cost. Last minute plane tickets are so expensive.

 

Jamaica is a beautiful honeymoon spot!! I so hope I can see you get married as you are my only sister.

[LibraryLover]

Well...because you love your sister. She seems to be marrying a very anxious man. She is going to need you. Families are not easy...but you love her.

 

I know! That's the part of my email that I'm waffling over, but the truth is the wedding will cost the same it's just that *they* aren't paying for it.

[TheReader]

I know! That's the part of my email that I'm waffling over, but the truth is the wedding will cost the same it's just that *they* aren't paying for it.

 

I think your email (up thread) is good, except I'd caution you to check with your in-laws before you offer up their gorgeous acre as a potential wedding site for your sister.

 

Otherwise though, I agree with everything in your proposed email. Tell her the truth, and hope she changes her mind. If not, try to go on your own (if you can) and don't feel one ounce of guilt over the family not going, or even if you yourself cannot make it.

[kchara]

My brother got married in Jamacia. They had actually planned it out months before. The problems lie in the timing. First of all, they went on a cruise. Second, they went on a cruise during spring break. We're not big into the partying thing like they are, and we would've been very, VERY uncomfortable. Third, they scheduled it smack dab between our anniversary (on the 17th) and DS's birthday (on the 21st, they got married on the 19th), so everything for our family would've been crowded out by their wedding. Then, I got pregnant with twins, and couldn't make it, anyway (I was entering my 2nd trimester during the wedding). Not to mention the astronomical price it would've been to take 5 people on a cruise to begin with....

 

He's still mad at me for not coming. IMHO, if you plan a destination wedding like that, you plan on it just being you and your beloved. If anyone else shows up, it's gravy, and an unbelievable blessing and gift. But you don't expect it, and you're gracious and understanding when people can't come.

[JFSinIL]

Simply tell her the truth. Don't try to change her mind. Tell her you can come and be there for her but since you've already made firm travel plans for earlier in the summer, the rest of the family will not be able to come. Just not in the budget. Don't get upset with her, just be factual.

 

I agree.

[JFSinIL]

Might as well add - I planned our wedding in S. California from Chicago in the days before internet/email. All MY family was in S. California, so fiance's family/friends had to travel there.

 

They did not like it, but why should the bride's folks/friends have to be the ones to travel?

 

Anyway - a month or so after we were all back in Chicago hubby's folks had a second reception at a nice restaurant for all the folks who had not been able to travel...or simply wanted to attend a second free meal ;). I wore my wedding dress a second time, too.

 

You could tell your sister that the kids would love to play music at a second reception held locally for all the folks UNABLE TO GO TO JAMAICA!!!!

 

Knowing folks really, REALLY are not going to fund their island wedding might help make them see reality and go back to their first plan!

 

PS - we had to change our first wedding date to accommodate some of my future in-laws who could not take time off before April 15th!!!

[LidiyaDawn]

Why in the world would someone plan a wedding OUT OF THE COUNTRY and then expect that everyone (or anyone!) could automatically attend?

 

Not only are there crazy expenses to consider, but you need passports and all sorts of stuff to do that kind of thing. Many people don't have those, some can't get them, etc.

[Emmy]

I know! That's the part of my email that I'm waffling over, but the truth is the wedding will cost the same it's just that *they* aren't paying for it.

 

I got the impression from your first post that she had pointed out the reason for the Jamaica trip was to save them money because the wedding was free with 16 attendees, so I think it is fine to point that out in your email.

[Jen+4dc]

Simply tell her the truth. Don't try to change her mind. Tell her you can come and be there for her but since you've already made firm travel plans for earlier in the summer, the rest of the family will not be able to come. Just not in the budget. Don't get upset with her, just be factual.

:iagree: Keep it simple and focused on facts.

 

I would stay home and offer to throw a Congratulations party for the couple when they get home from Jamaica. Have the party somewhere that everyone can drive to, wear your new dresses, and have your boys play music.

Great idea!!!:D

 

I got the impression from your first post that she had pointed out the reason for the Jamaica trip was to save them money because the wedding was free with 16 attendees, so I think it is fine to point that out in your email.

:iagree:

 

Good luck with this, what a tricky situation.:grouphug:

[HS Mom in NC]

I would say to her, "Oh, I wish we could go but there's no way we can afford it. It's so disappointing that we have to miss it. I hope it all goes well. When you get back we'll have you over for dinner and you can show us all the pictures and video and tell us all about it."

 

If they choose to have a destination wedding, they are choosing to risk having people not attend. It's their choice, but they should be willing to take the consequences of not having all their friends and family there without EVER complaining, whining, pouting, grumbling,or making a single snarky or passive aggressive comment about it now or forever more.

 

No one can be expected to attend a location wedding. It is a very thoughtless couple that would not take into serious consideration the expenses for each set of family and friends that are invited to a wedding. (It seems they thought of their own savings, but not the cost to their guests. How incredibly rude and selfish.) Are these two people generally so self-focused, or is this an exception to the rule? Is it just a taste of things to come? Will they expect every family gathering to accommodate their personal preferences above the preferences and limitations of others? I hope not, but you may have to come up with some planned responses if it turns out that way.

[HayesW]

You absolutely don't have to go.

 

But go anyway. If you can take your daughter, then do it. If you can't then don't. But please go to your sister's wedding. I know far too many people who have lost loved ones lately. Please go see your sister get married.

[amey311]

If you think you can swing it, and they commit to Jamaica, then go.

 

It might be worth discussing who the 16 people are that they're sure will attend (since it won't be your clan) - this whole Jamaica lark only works if they can get 16 people to commit to international travel (which assumes that those people have passports, etc).

 

I had friends have a child-free wedding on the other side of the country. I had a high needs 13 month old, so I sent regrets. Friends were completely understanding (the way good wedding hosts should be).

[Lovedtodeath]

Just a side note: my guilt over not attending my best friend's wedding over the out of state location and dress code stuck with me and really affected our relationship.

[Susan C.]

I haven't read all of the threads, but maybe if she paid for it you all could come :)

[ocelotmom]

But go anyway. If you can take your daughter, then do it. If you can't then don't. But please go to your sister's wedding. I know far too many people who have lost loved ones lately. Please go see your sister get married.

 

Just a side note: my guilt over not attending my best friend's wedding over the out of state location and dress code stuck with me and really affected our relationship.

 

It's too bad that people plan exclusionary weddings that create this sort of heartache and guilt.

[kitten18]

Simply tell her the truth. Don't try to change her mind. Tell her you can come and be there for her but since you've already made firm travel plans for earlier in the summer, the rest of the family will not be able to come. Just not in the budget. Don't get upset with her, just be factual.

:iagree: Maybe she will change her mind if she realizes everyone is not going to come.

[JennyD]

Ok - I'm emailing her. She hasn't come to a final decision about it yet and it is very cost driven. She told her fiancee she'd be willing to get married at city hall and after they discussed options for a while they came up with the Jamaica idea. Nothing is finalized so I'm hoping there might be room for another idea. I know this isn't my wedding, and this isn't my kids' wedding, but she's their only aunt (dh's brother died last year) so this was a wedding our entire family felt was important.

 

How does this sound?

 

Dear Sis,

 

I wish there was another solution for your wedding. I understand the concerns over the cost, but having it in Jamaica is going to cost the same (16 people times $1400) – you’re just asking everyone else to help pay for it.

 

Have you guys considered doing a small ceremony at city hall (or somewhere) in town and then heading off to Jamaica for a reception/honeymoon? That way people who really want to be there to see you get married could do that and you’d still get to go and have fun at an all-inclusive.

 

I know this is your wedding and your decision, but I hope there's still a little room to think through some other options that might also work for you. We’d be willing to host a wedding here. I’m sure *dh's mom and dad who live in her city and have a gorgeous acre* would love to host one at their house (she loves that kind of stuff). You could have an early wedding and then a sandwiches and tea reception in the afternoon and then fly off to Jamaica.

 

I love you and really do want to be there for you. I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it to Jamaica or not. I do know that the kids wouldn't be able to make it and they were really disappointed when they heard they wouldn't be able to be at your wedding.

 

This sounds perfect to me. Given that your whole family was participating in the (original) wedding, presumably you're pretty close and hopefully she just hasn't though this all the way through.

 

If she does insist on the Jamaica thing anyway, in your shoes I'd probably try to go by myself nevertheless, but if you can't, you can't. (I'd also lower my odds on the success of the marriage, but that's another story).

[Audrey]

IMO, your sister has committed an egregious faux-pas by changing the wedding plans with such short notice and AFTER everyone has been assigned duties and bought the requisite clothing for their duties.

 

It is 2 mere months to June. A considerate bride does not change her plans with a mere 2 months warning, and a considerate bride NEVER makes a change that requires others to pony up money they hadn't expected to have to spend.

 

If she were my sister, I would point this out to her. If she were my sister, she would have known this train was going to be at the other end of her tunnel-visioned plan changing, though. ;)

Edited April 1, 2011 by Audrey