Dh wants to kill me! Do others impose on your dh's skills??

[Alicia64]

Please don't tell me that I'm an idiot. I get that finally.

 

We have a neighbor who comes over kindly pleading for help w/ her computer. She's a single mom of one boy who has behavior issues. She's a tough, smart cookie but her life can't be easy.

 

So, she must see me as an easy mark because every so often she asks me to ask dh if he'd upload or download or whatever something from her computer.

 

He works as a well paid highly skilled computer guy for a great company.

 

He gets mad at me. So far I cringe at telling her no and haven't. (I know, I need to put on my big girl panties.)

 

So she asked Fri. and Sat. he was over there for about 30 mins. downloading something.

 

She just showed up on Sun. while dh was playing a board game w/ the boys saying her computer has crashed and please won't dh help. . .please. .

 

With the implication being that he did something to the computer so we couldn't tell her no at that point.

 

Now I'm sitting here steaming mad. My boys are bummed because they were playing, dh needs his Sunday to be w/ his family and I feel terrible. :banghead:

 

Has anyone else experienced this kind of imposition for your dh's skills?

 

I will never again hesitate to say to her or anybody, "I'm sorry but he has told me that he can't/won't work on anyone's computer for various reasons." Period. Done. Over.

 

I'd love your feedback. He's already been over there for 20 mins. I'm just praying he'll walk back in soon and this isn't a two or three hour job.

 

Alley

[nmoira]

DH and I help out friends, but they help us out when we need it as well. However, even though we're all good friends, not one would think about dropping by unexpectedly for help. *If* he chooses to help her occasionally, there's nothing wrong with her setting up a appointment with him "in a few days" when he has the time to do it. I wouldn't be the intermediary because it's his time, not yours. I would make clear to her that DH values his family time on the weekends and is loath to sacrifice any. She may take the hint.

[Parrothead]

I've had people do similar. It ticks me off because the person asking won't put on his/her big girl panties and ask him. Why go through me? I'm not his secretary.

 

So I started telling people that they will have to talk to dh themselves. At that point dh can man up and say "no" or he can go do whatever.

[mom2denj]

All of the time!!!! My husband is a plumber! He is usually everyone's best friend! He doesn't mind most of the time. It is the ones that ask him to help and then he gets there and they go off and get on the computer or go watch tv or what ever. He is usually pretty good about helping friends and people from church.

 

So a big YES, we deal with this ALL the time, I feel your pain. They usually call me and I have to relay the message.:tongue_smilie:

[regentrude]

Not that we are in the same situation ... but I would simply smile and say: "You need to check with my husband yourself and ask him - I don't know whether he would be able to."

My DH would be very unhappy with me if I volunteered HIS time.

[Denisemomof4]

I would be more protective of the family time, especially when he was spending time with the kids! I would have told her, "I'm sorry, but dh is playing a game with the kids. We like to keep Sunday's to ourselves so we can enjoy quality time together."

 

I think we all should help each other out, but there are limitations and boundaries that need to be respected.

[DawnM]

Some. DH is a CPA so people will call with questions.

 

However, growing up it was an issue. My dad is a doctor and people would call all the time to ask him to come over and see their child/parent/whatever. Most of the time my dad saw it as a ministry and didn't mind, but there were times when it cut into our family time and it bothered us.

 

Dawn

[Denisemomof4]

I've had people do similar. It ticks me off because the person asking won't put on his/her big girl panties and ask him. Why go through me? I'm not his secretary.

 

So I started telling people that they will have to talk to dh themselves. At that point dh can man up and say "no" or he can go do whatever.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: I like this response better than mine. :blushing:

[Sophia]

Neither dh nor I have it in us to give a blanket statement of "we won't help" with this or that.

However, neither do we have a problem with saying 'This isn't a good time."

 

I think there is a healthy balance.

[3lilreds in NC]

My dh helps our family but that's about it. Occasionally I've asked him to help a friend with a Mac who was having a hard time, but I try to let him decide what he wants to do.

 

We finally have nearly our entire family converted to Macs, so dh can support them. He hates PCs and won't work on them. He doesn't mind being the family technical support guru, as long as they have the right computers. :D

 

The best part is, my sister's dh, who could really use the help, won't get a Mac. I'm confident he will learn someday. :lol:

[GinaPagnato]

"Gosh, I have no idea what dh has on his schedule at this point. Why don't you give him a ring and see if he's available."

[Paige]

My DH is the opposite. He will help out anyone and everyone for hours with their computers because he feels bad about telling them no. I tell him to tell them to call tech support or Geek Squad. :tongue_smilie: DH thinks the Geek Squad people are hacks a lot of the time and many times he is called in to help a friend after Geek Squad or tech support has really messed things up. I do love that he is so kind and generous and I think that in the end, helping them out is not really bothering us much. Several times, we have been on the receiving end of some really nice gifts because people have felt he deserved something for all of his free help. It is nice but not expected.

[just Jenny]

post deleted by user

Edited March 7, 2011 by just Jenny

[Tap]

My dh helps our family but that's about it. Occasionally I've asked him to help a friend with a Mac who was having a hard time, but I try to let him decide what he wants to do.

 

We finally have nearly our entire family converted to Macs, so dh can support them. He hates PCs and won't work on them. He doesn't mind being the family technical support guru, as long as they have the right computers. :D

 

The best part is, my sister's dh, who could really use the help, won't get a Mac. I'm confident he will learn someday. :lol:

 

lol my hubbies bff is a computer guru. When I was talking about getting a Mac, he very bluntly told me that if I did, he wouldn't/couldn't help me any more.

 

I stayed PC.

[Tap]

I don't volunteer his services, but I have donated products from his company LOL. He is a sales person, and I know what he can and can't do for the most part. I have volunteered that he will donate x amount of xyz product for a non-profit event. He doesn't mind, and I never commit more than I would be willing to pay for out of pocket if for some reason he couldn't come through.

[Alicia64]

Thanks everyone.

 

Update: the neighbor's computer has a bad virus and she's at Best Buy right now getting stuff for it. Dh is happily getting ready to go back to her place and install whatever is needed.

 

He likes doing the "white knight" thing so I think he's not too mad.

 

But I've learned a lesson.

 

Alley

[Pam Wilhelm]

We don't volunteer his services..... once in a blue moon he has given some suggestions for what the people should go ask their own mechanics, but he very, very, very rarely has ever helped anyone out.

 

As a mechanic he feels that there is an element of liability that he isn't ready to risk without the proper insurance, etc of having his own business.... and at this point he doesn't want his own business. Even if what he did/didn't do wasn't at fault... people have this idea that once you touch something as a mechanic than you are supremely responsible for EVERYTHING that will ever go wrong with the car/truck. Nope. We've been down that road with family and don't help out anymore. Sounds awful, I know.... but being sued is even less fun.

[5knights3maidens]

I haven't seen anyone mention this but I will. :tongue_smilie: I wouldn't volunteer my dh's services especially to a woman with no husband (should I run?) I would probably say I'd ask my dh and then if he said no, so be it and leave it at that. OR, I'd always have one of my children go with him :auto:

Edited March 6, 2011 by 5knights3maidens
adding a sentence

[Reeciecup]

I feel your pain. My dh is very talented when it comes to fixing things, and he makes his living doing just that. But friends and family regularly want him to repair things in his free time at no charge. And many of them ask me instead of him. But I've learned to say, "I don't know, you'll have to ask him" whenever anyone asks.

 

It's awesome having such a talented husband, and he doesn't mind sharing his skills with others, but it does get old, when people think, just because he's not at work, he wants to come fix their stuff. Even if they offer to pay, its a pain, because some times he just wants his free time to be free.

 

But I never tell anyone he can fix something or that he's available to fix things, I make them ask him.

[KristinaBreece]

We don't volunteer his services..... once in a blue moon he has given some suggestions for what the people should go ask their own mechanics, but he very, very, very rarely has ever helped anyone out.

 

As a mechanic he feels that there is an element of liability that he isn't ready to risk without the proper insurance, etc of having his own business.... and at this point he doesn't want his own business. Even if what he did/didn't do wasn't at fault... people have this idea that once you touch something as a mechanic than you are supremely responsible for EVERYTHING that will ever go wrong with the car/truck. Nope. We've been down that road with family and don't help out anymore. Sounds awful, I know.... but being sued is even less fun.

 

My cousin is a mechanic & he does a lot of our vehicle work. We always pay him a fair rate, and sign a waiver that limits his liability to whatever he specifically is doing. Of course... I could never sue family. Realtionships>$$ Almost always.

 

I haven't seen anyone mention this but I will. :tongue_smilie: I wouldn't volunteer my dh's services especially to a woman with no husband (should I run?) I would probably say I'd ask my dh and then if he said no, so be it and leave it at that. OR, I'd always have one of my children go with him :auto:

 

My grandfather won't go help a single woman by himself. He's a church deacon, and always takes his wife or myself with him when it looks like he could be alone with a woman or children. It's similar to the reason that all nursery & SS classes are co-taught, all the time. And the reason 2 trustees always accompany the treasurer with the offering plates. Always 2+ adults, so that accusations aren't even possible. (The alarm system works this way, too. One man has the code, one has the key.) Keeps everyone honest.

[Ravin]

This is a major pet peeve of my childhood BFF, except in her case, it's her DH who is always volunteering to do things for other people, while he leaves projects around the house unfinished.

 

I talked my DH into making stroganoff for 14 people for Estrella War, an event he wasn't attending himself. I try not to volunteer him too often, though. Maybe every 6 months or so, if he's not too busy.

 

My stepdad turned the helping-people-with-their-computers thing into a side business that has by turns helped fund his hobbies and helped them get through tight spots.

 

If it really bothers your DH, you should probably stop volunteering him.

[Hedgehog]

I haven't seen anyone mention this but I will. :tongue_smilie: I wouldn't volunteer my dh's services especially to a woman with no husband (should I run?) I would probably say I'd ask my dh and then if he said no, so be it and leave it at that. OR, I'd always have one of my children go with him :auto:

 

:iagree: 100%.

 

Nothing wrong with stating what's okay/not okay in your home.

[Haiku]

I don't see why your dh can't just say, "Sorry, I'm playing a game with my boys right now, but I'll be over when I get the chance." Nor do I see why there needs to be a blanket refusal to help people with their computers. There just needs to be balance. I hardly think that asking a neighbor for help with your computer means that you think that person is an "easy mark."

 

Tara

[lllll]

...

Edited December 23, 2012 by ksva

[nmoira]

Bolding mine.

 

I wouldn't volunteer my dh's services especially to a woman with no husband (should I run?)

I wouldn't volunteer his time, period, but the marital status of the person would have no bearing on this. If I didn't trust my husband, I wouldn't have married him. I would, however, either talk to him privately to arrange a date (e.g. for close friends) or advise the person asking for help to contact him directly.

[Mommyfaithe]

All of the time!!!! My husband is a plumber! He is usually everyone's best friend! He doesn't mind most of the time. It is the ones that ask him to help and then he gets there and they go off and get on the computer or go watch tv or what ever. He is usually pretty good about helping friends and people from church.

 

So a big YES, we deal with this ALL the time, I feel your pain. They usually call me and I have to relay the message.:tongue_smilie:

 

My dh is a plumber as well, and I have learned if someone calls for help with a plumbing job, I tell " sure, dh would be happy to help. The charge is $ service call fee and $ labor per hour plus parts. He has an appointment open....". If it is to help on something that is not his field, then he either can or can't depending on the skill and his work schedule.

 

No one has gotten upset. If I call my friend who is a doctor, I would expect to make an appointment and pay for medical advice. Otherwise, I would be taking advantage of our friendship.

 

Faithe

[funschooler5]

We get this all. the. time. DH is a computer tech in our small town. We know just about everyone. EVERYBODY we know expects free computer advice. They called us so much at home, we now only have cell phones and only a few people get our numbers...but he still gets calls at home from family or friends: "Hey, how are you doing? How are the kids? Oh, by the way, my printer has been doing this weird thing... "

 

We just have to be rude (he tells people to call him at his shop during his store hours), and even that rarely works. People just laugh it off...they have no concept of boundaries. AND he gets the whole "well, you were the last one to work on it, so you must have caused whatever is going wrong with it now." They don't connect their problems with clicking on pop-up ads, filthy computers, etc. It is so irritating. And the worst thing is, almost everybody treats him like this! It's not just one or two people.

 

DH says all of this has turned him into an a****** (you fill in the blanks).

[nmoira]

No one has gotten upset. If I call my friend who is a doctor, I would expect to make an appointment and pay for medical advice. Otherwise, I would be taking advantage of our friendship.

I agree with this, but only up to a point. There are some things we can do more easily than our friends, and vice versa. I wouldn't hesitate to ask a friend who is a doctor for general advice (i.e. not a diagnosis or specific medical service). I would also not feel in the least offended if the person told me they are not in a position to help. In our circle it's usually a "Oh, I was wondering if you could give me a little help with this thing-a-ma-jig? Yes? Good, let's all get together and have dinner?" DH and I are technically minded people and don't mind helping friends with messed up computers in the slightest. We would never dream of charging them and generally don't feel taken advantage of. There have been those who get cut off, so to speak, those who call only when they have computer trouble. The worst are the ones who pretend to care about you and yours and then 15 minutes into the conversation just happen to recall a little trouble they've been having. :rolleyes:

 

Neighbors and casual acquaintances are a different issue, and you have to decide where to draw the line when it comes to your time.

Edited March 6, 2011 by nmoira
clarity

[Mejane]

Constantly. My dh is always running off to help someone cut up a fallen tree or chop ice or snow off their roof or help them fix something. It's not what he does for a living, but he's handy and everyone knows it. Also, he has an awesome arsenal of power tools. It irritates me, so I never volunteer him; he volunteers himself.

Edited March 6, 2011 by Mejane

[mo2]

 

So I started telling people that they will have to talk to dh themselves. At that point dh can man up and say "no" or he can go do whatever.

 

 

:iagree:

[Eleni]

My dh really doesn't have skills people need- he will talk about life insurance forever if they are interested. I'm the one who fixes and builds things and I would not be happy if dh volunteered me

[kewb]

I am married to a computer guy and people used to ask all the time for his assistance. He tells friends (and so do I) that he will not work on a friends computer because if something should go wrong or if he is unable to help he does not want to be blamed for it.

[elegantlion]

I'm married to a carpenter, I don't volunteer his time. :D He has his own phone number and he does free estimates so I will gladly give out his number. For the sake of our marriage I am NOT his secretary, a fact we established early in our marriage.

[Joanne]

I haven't seen anyone mention this but I will. :tongue_smilie: I wouldn't volunteer my dh's services especially to a woman with no husband (should I run?) I would probably say I'd ask my dh and then if he said no, so be it and leave it at that. OR, I'd always have one of my children go with him :auto:

 

 

:confused1:

 

This would not even cross my mind as an issue. I find the assumption(s) involved to be very unkind and presumptuous.

[Guest]

One should avaid the appearance of evil. I agree with those who said a man should not go to a single woman's home alone. It is the times we live in.

[Tree House Academy]

:confused1:

 

This would not even cross my mind as an issue. I find the assumption(s) involved to be very unkind and presumptuous.

 

She was, in no way, being unkind. She was giving a view that had crossed her mind. Nothing wrong with that!

[Tree House Academy]

One should avaid the appearance of evil. I agree with those who said a man should not go to a single woman's home alone. It is the times we live in.

 

:iagree:. Not that the OPs husband would DO anything wrong, but accusations are a mighty thing and this woman could make a false one at any time. You can't be too careful in this society.:glare:

[nmoira]

 

One should avaid the appearance of evil. I agree with those who said a man should not go to a single woman's home alone. It is the times we live in.

Evil? Really? I guess I don't live in your time.

[OnTheBrink]

I haven't seen anyone mention this but I will. :tongue_smilie: I wouldn't volunteer my dh's services especially to a woman with no husband (should I run?) I would probably say I'd ask my dh and then if he said no, so be it and leave it at that. OR, I'd always have one of my children go with him :auto:

 

As a single mom who often asks friend's dh's for help, I totally understand this. And, I have absolutely no problem if the helping dh brings his wife, or not. I'm extraordinarily selective on who I have in my house, so if I ask a friend's dh over to fix something or help me, then *I* have no issue with them being there, but if the wife prefers to tag along, fine by me! She's my friend anyway.

 

And, in the past, I've gone along with my single pastor friend when another single female has asked for his help with something. Having a 3rd party can put a stop to any misunderstandings that may arise.

[KristinaBreece]

:confused1:

 

This would not even cross my mind as an issue. I find the assumption(s) involved to be very unkind and presumptuous.

 

I always thought it was generational. I'm 25. I've sent my DH to the home of our single woman friend before when she needed help with something & we weren't both able to go. I know I can trust my DH (and my friend) in that situation.

 

Like I said earlier, though, my grandfather & his church leadership (all white men in their 50s & 60s), make sure that no man is ever left alone with a woman or child who is not in his family.

[Peela]

DH loves to help people- also with computers but other things too- but has no problem at all with saying no when he's had enough or feels imposed upon.

I always check with him first- I would never offer his skills or time without checking with him- but that's because he is so clear with his boundaries.

He also gets people to drop their computers off at our place so that he can work on them in his own time- ho doesn't do house calls!

Sounds like a good lesson in learning to take care of yourselves and have clear boundaries. Also- a clear boundary between yourself and your dh- I would not presume to offer my dh to a neighbour :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

My ds13 is the one that friends and neighbors call for computer help. Dh cannot legally help people in his professional field - he's a nurse and there are strict rules/legalities on whether he can even give advice. I am the one who has traditionally been called on to help all the neighbors will everything from miscarriages to diarrhea accidents. I was told once that "You're a mom. You can handle the gross stuff." I've started to say no.

[laundrycrisis]

My DH would be very unhappy with me if I volunteered HIS time.

 

:iagree: Mine is also a computer guy. I don't volunteer this information, or his time. Sometimes he does it himself - that's fine, it's his time to give.

[Holly IN]

He works as a well paid highly skilled computer guy for a great company.

 

He gets mad at me. So far I cringe at telling her no and haven't. (I know, I need to put on my big girl panties.)

 

Has anyone else experienced this kind of imposition for your dh's skills?

 

I will never again hesitate to say to her or anybody, "I'm sorry but he has told me that he can't/won't work on anyone's computer for various reasons." Period. Done. Over.

 

Alley

 

Well, my dh gets request ALOT from the church people that we used to attend to help them with thier computer with NO recipricol help on their part. No payment, no return of favor, NADA!!!! After several years of this "helping" we stopped and started saying no....We got griped at over this so we left the church. Went to another one and MUMS the word on what my dh does for a living (computers and plowing)... :D:D If they had returned the favor then it wouldn't be a problem. Now my hubby will plow snow for several friends of ours because we know there are recipricol relationship on returning favors. When we plow their drive for free....they still give us a starbucks gift card because we did not accept payment for doing so. The gift was great. :)

 

Too bad you can't move away but you really have to tell her she needs to hire out or learn herself how to do computers.

 

Holly

Edited March 7, 2011 by Holly IN

[momofkhm]

My dh also is a computer guy and gets called to help often. The hard thing is it tend to also be a single mom (at church). We're convinced that the only time she talks to either of us is when she needs something - him to fix her computer, me to sew something her girls ripped.

 

DH doesn't mind helping friends. But others, not so much.

[Garga]

One should avaid the appearance of evil.

 

That scripture doesn't mean to avoid doing things that will somehow accidentally make people presume you're doing something evil, when you're actually being innocent.

 

The scripture means that when evil presents itself (appears), to avoid it.

 

So, if someone offers you drugs on a street corner--run away. But if a neighbor needs help, you can help her.

 

 

 

My dh is a whiz on the computer and he loves to help his friends. Sometimes they give us gift cards and sometimes they make us dinner or dessert. If he didn't want to go during game time, he'd set up a later time to do it. Then again, I don't think he's been asked by someone who wasn't somewhat of a friend--at least an acquaintance. Maybe it would be different if some random church person wanted lots of help and was presumptuous about it.

Edited March 7, 2011 by Garga

[In2why]

One should avaid the appearance of evil. I agree with those who said a man should not go to a single woman's home alone. It is the times we live in.

 

 

We live in a military area, and there are many women who are alone for extended periods of time. That is the 'time we live in'. My DH has helped these women fix home issues, their cars, or whatever, and my kids help with yard work or whatever needs to be done.

 

There is also a woman at the end of our street who is single because her husband is a horrible person. I think it is evil not to help her out if and when we can, regardless of her marital status.

 

I feel like I stepped into a bad 50's movie where the loose divorcee is there to steal someone's husband. :001_huh:

[Thea]

Yes, dh is an electrician by trade. He, however, has no problem saying no and I *never* volunteer him.

[Joanne]

Quote:

Originally Posted by training5

One should avaid the appearance of evil. I agree with those who said a man should not go to a single woman's home alone. It is the times we live in.

 

 

 

Evil? Really? I guess I don't live in your time.

 

 

 

 

The scripture:

 

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

 

19 Do not quench the Spirit. 20 Do not treat prophecies with contempt 21 but test them all; hold on to what is good, 22 reject every kind of evil.

 

23 May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24 The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.

 

25 Brothers and sisters, pray for us. 26 Greet all God’s people with a holy kiss. 27 I charge you before the Lord to have this letter read to all the brothers and sisters.

 

28 The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.

 

Avoid the appearance of evil applied to this context is:

 

1) prooftexting

2) a mistranslation

 

I find it ironic that a man can't help a woman who isn't married "alone" but no one here ever suggests greeting *everyone* with a holy kiss. :smilielol5::001_rolleyes:

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Do y'all ever get the feeling that there are really only two dozen conversations to be had on the internet?

 

We almost had a new topic here, but it devolved into "Do you let your husband be around other women unsupervised." Didn't we do that one already, and recently?

 

Thread drift is not a big deal. I only noticed because I've been glued to the computer for entertainment while being housebound for awhile.

 

I guess when a person begins to notice this repeat conversation phenomenon happening with more frequency, she should take it as a sign to get off the internets for while. LOL