Length of time dating before marriage?

[Night Elf]

I was thinking about how long I dated before I got married. With my first husband, we got married 2 years after we started dating. With my DH, we were engaged after only 5 months of dating though we didn't actually marry until 14 months after we first started dating. I got cold feet about a month before we were planning to get married and postponed our wedding date.

 

I was married to my first husband for 7 years, about 5 years too long. I knew it then but felt obligated and trapped until I just couldn't take it anymore.

 

I've been married to my DH for 15 years now and am as happy now as I was when we started dating and everything was brand new and exciting. We knew after only 5 months of seeing each other every other week, though at the time we couldn't have really known that we would have stayed so happy for as long as we have.

 

I'm watching my dd18 starting to have strong feelings for a guy she met online, just like I did. They've seen each other a few times. He's a perfectly lovely guy from what we can tell. There is no way to know a person's closet skeletons. She's not talking marriage or even engagement. It was just something that popped into my mind.

 

How long did you date before you got engaged?

How long would you like to see your child date before they become engaged? Not that I can do anything. I wouldn't have listened to anyone when I married my first husband. I felt so in love that the world revolved around us. It just seemed so great a relationship. If I knew then, what I know now... :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm not talking about courting, which I believe is an entirely different matter altogether.

[kokotg]

We dated for 3 years before we got married; 2 before we got engaged. We were 23 and 24 when we got married. My kids? I dunno. I wouldn't do anything differently for myself, but it will definitely make me nervous if my kids decide to get married before their mid 20's. Looking back, I think we were very lucky that we grew up together as well as we did. That doesn't have anything to do with length of dating, though...I think we'd been together a perfectly acceptable amount of time; we were just young. It's an interesting question....I wonder if people who are older need less time together before marrying because they're more likely to know what they're looking for?

[Renee in NC]

I knew him for 6 months before we married.

[TheCoffeeChick]

Dh and I dated for 4 years before getting married - mostly because we started dating at 15! We've been married for 10 years and are happier than ever. We truly are a perfect match in every way. :001_wub:

[eternalknot]

How long did you date before you got engaged?

 

Three weeks. We got engaged ten minutes before we got married, as we drove around looking for an open chapel :).

 

How long would you like to see your child date before they become engaged?

 

For me, it's not so much a matter of time. I think some windows are too short, and others too long - not sure if that makes sense, but I think the "right" window will vary from person to person and relationship to relationship. I don't think x-amount of time will be ideal for all - or even most - couples.

 

I'd much rather my child go deeper, more quickly than to plop along the course steady as she goes and never really getting into the meaty stuff until after the wedding. I have friends and know of people who didn't know they had a difference of opinion on finances. or childrearing. or family responsibilities. or job expectations. or similar stressors, until they were knee-deep in it. Some things just never came up in conversation, you know? And sometimes delusion came into play, as in "She'll change. His mom will like me after I have kids. Her parents will accept me once we're married and they know she'll choose me over them" and so much more.

 

I guess what I want most for my kids is to know what they're getting into marriage-wise and also spouse-wise. I want them to have had the difficult conversations and the uncomfortable compromises it takes to truly understand what you are undertaking as a couple (marriage) but also as an individual (in a spouse and in-law family). That could take three weeks or it could take three decades, or anywhere in between depending on the people involves and the relationship dynamic.

[ChristusG]

We got engaged on the first anniversary of the day that he asked me to be his girlfriend (we knew each other about 2 weeks before that). After that, we had a year and a half engagement. So we were together 2.5 years before getting married.

[ZeldaRules]

It took my husband 9 months to admit I was his girlfriend! :)

We dated for 3 years before we got engaged. We were engaged for 6 months before we got married.

 

I would like to see my kids date for at least 2 years before getting married...and be 24 or older. That's my ideal outcome. Whether that happens is a whole other story. :)

[mommaduck]

Almost 4yrs. Class ring at 15, promise ring at 16, engagement ring at 17, wedding ring at 19.

[battyjac]

We dated 5 years before we got engaged then another 2 years until we got married. But I was 17 when we started dating and college was a high priority for both of us. We went all through college together (even living together with another roommate for some of it). It's been up and down for us, but after some therapy we are doing fine. It helps that he was my brother's best friend (my brother married my best friend) and became my best male friend long before we dated. The friendship has gotten us through when the romance has gone south for awhile.

 

I wouldn't be picky about how long any of my kids dated, I would just prefer them to be graduated from college or the vocational school of their choice before getting married.

 

DH and I are polar opposites. Opposite political parties, he's strict Mormon and I'm agnostic, etc. If we can make it work, anyone can. :) But, yeah, therapy helped when I left the church and became more political as well as him becoming more religious. People change, sometimes it helps to have someone else remind you that you love that core person.

[lionfamily1999]

I How long did you date before you got engaged?

How long would you like to see your child date before they become engaged?

Well, we decided a month in we were going to marry. He got the ring seven months into our relationship and we married not quite ten months after we started dating :D Dh and I knew each other for two years before he asked me out, but he did not acknowledge my existence until that point... at that time I was 16 and dh was 21.

 

The next question is a toughy. I'm glad that they'll all be 18 and old enough to decide for themselves :)

Edited November 8, 2010 by lionfamily1999

[NCJessieRN]

My husband bought my engagement ring after a month. Actually proposed after 6 months and we were married a year later. I was 20 and he was 23. He is still the love of my life:001_wub: even though we've only been married 9 1/2 years. We were so young but I wouldn't change anything. However, I can not even imagine my children being our age when they marry!

[rafiki]

.

[Nestof3]

We knew each other/dated nine months before he proposed, though he told his son who was 7 at the time that he was going to marry me after talking to me the first time. We married six months later. I was 26 and he was 39.

[Parrothead]

Dh and I were engaged for 4 months. We had been together 2.5 years. At the 1.5 year mark I told him he had 6 months to make up his mind. This was the beginning of January. I gave him until the first week of June. He waited until the day before his deadline to ask me to marry him. We got married four months later.

[Lolly]

Dh and I were discussing marriage and knew it would be so after just a few dates. We were officially engaged after about 6 mths and were married a year after the engagement. Still strong.

[Jennifer in MI]

We dated long distance. I was 22 and he was 27 when we met.

 

late-August - We met. He said he knew he was going to marry me the second we were introduced.

September - December - we wrote letters.

October - I knew I was going to marry him.

December - He met me at the airport during a layover for breakfast.

January - He came to my parent's house for a visit. First kiss.

February - He came out to my place in Boston for a visit and proposed!!!

 

We'd seen each other three times.

 

We still have all the letters we wrote to each other.

[Night Elf]

I'd much rather my child go deeper, more quickly than to plop along the course steady as she goes and never really getting into the meaty stuff until after the wedding.

 

Yeah, that was me in my first marriage. I was just so in love and had no clue there were deeper issues that should be explored. I just assumed that everything would work out because we were so in love. I don't regret that marriage because we had a beautiful child and I feel that I learned much about what to do and not to do when married. So some good things came from it. :)

[KidsHappen]

My hubby and I had met once three years previously to our beginning to date. We dated for about a month before we moved in together and got married at the three month point. We will have been married for 20 years in Dec.

 

My 25 year old and 17 year old both connected on the internet with boys they had known since they were children. So they knew each other for quite a while as children, interacted on-line for a long time, then dated for a few years after that. The oldest got married in Oct. of the year she turned 18 and the 17 year old will be doing the same thing. The trajectories of their relationships were almost identical. So I knew both of the boys since they were children. I watched them grow into fine young men. I have seen their relationships blossum. My eldest lived with his family for almost two years before they got married and my future SIL has lived with me on and off from the 16 to 18 years old and full time since then. They are both very much part of the family and I love them like they were my own sons.

 

My 18 year old has recently become engaged to a boy that she has only know for almost three months now. Only my SIL knew him before that. We haven't been able to spend much time with him so none of us know him very well. This is my dd's first boyfriend and we are concerned that she is moving too fast especially since it is so different from what her sisters have done and what her original plans were. We are afraid of the possibility that she will get her heart broken and we are having a hard time getting her to understand our concerns. She seems to think that we are just mad at her or don't approve of the boy or the choices that they have made. She is also kind of upset that we have not warmed up to him as we have the other two but she seems to forget that we have known the other two for a very long time and barely know him at all. We all love her dearly and really want her to live happily ever after so we are trying very hard to be supportive and hope for the best.

[HRAAB]

We dated 2 yrs 9 mos before we got engaged and then were married 7 mos later. I would have happily married him sooner, but he really felt the need to be alone for awhile. He comes from a family of 14 plus his sister lived with him while in college, so he had never had time alone. We just celebrated 25 years.

[JudoMom]

I met my dh Easter of 96, then moved to his state in July of 96. We were engaged in Feb of 97, and married in May of

[Ginevra]

My dh and I dated for four years before we got married. We were engaged for one year. I would want my children to be involved for 2+ years before marriage, longer if they are less than 20 years old.

[Crissy]

We dated for 5 months before he proposed and married 5 months after that.

We had known each other for three years before we dated.

[Wheres Toto]

First marriage, we dated for 7 months before we were engaged, engaged 2 years before we were married. It lasted (officially) 10 years but shouldn't have happened in the first place - within a year or so things were not good at all. I was 19, he was 26 when we started dating.

 

DH and I knew each other casually for about a year before we starting dating. We dated for 3 months before we were engaged and were married 7 weeks later. We just celebrated our 6th anniversary and things are going amazingly well. I was 35 and DH was 48 when we were married.

 

I don't know what I would like for dd. I know I would prefer that she wasn't real young when getting married - at least mid-late 20's.

[dirty ethel rackham]

We dated 18 months before we got engaged, although he did ask me once 9 months after we met. But I said not yet the first time because didn't feel I knew him well and I was kind of messed up at the time. He was shy and quiet and we only saw each other on weekends because of his work schedule/commute. I knew he was serious when he started taking me house hunting with him a few months before we got engaged. I was getting irritated that he didn't ask me again for 3 months after we started looking at houses. We married 7 months after our engagement - 25 months after we met. We were both 28 on our wedding day.

[jujsky]

We were together 18 months total -- got engaged after 9 months and married 9 months after that. I don't know how long I'd want my kids to date. I think it completely depends on the relationship. I knew by our 2nd date that DH was "the one" and could have happily married him shortly after. By contrast I dated a guy for 3 years and we got engaged. I knew him longer, but I can guarantee if we had gotten married it either would have ended up in divorce or my extreme unhappiness.

[tearose]

I met my DH in grad school. We dated 2.5 years before getting engaged and got married a year after that. I think that it worked out very well for us. While I know people who have gotten engaged much sooner (and it has worked out for them), I still favor a somewhat longer courtship.

[fairfarmhand]

together 3 yrs prior to marriage....engagement was 6 months of that. been married for 13 years now.

 

I'd like my kids to date at least a year before deciding to get married. I'm not a fan of long engagement. If you're ready to get married, take a couple months to plan your wedding and go get married.

[Tutor]

We dated just shy of 4 years before we were married. He officially proposed two years after we started dating, but we were talking about marriage 3 months after we met. (Our conversations went to "we" rather than "I" when discussing plans after graduation... we met in college, and my parents insisted that I graduate before we get married.)

[cathmom]

We met at age 19, dated for 3 years and got engaged on the 3rd anniversary of the day we met, and then got married 14 months after that. However, we were talking of marriage within a month or two of having met each other.

 

I personally would prefer that the couple had known each other for at least a year, with some actual time spent together (ie, not just Friday night/Saturday night). I'd want them to have an opportunity to see how the other one acts when the chips are down and things aren't going swimmingly.

[ecj98]

It was 1 year and 2 months from our first date until we got engaged. We were engaged exactly 10 months. It probably would have been shorter, but I needed to graduate from college first.

[alpidarkomama]

My DH and I dated for eight weeks before making it official. :) But we really decided after 2 dates. In the orthodox Jewish world, there really aren't long engagements or dating periods. I suspect my kids will get married in their very early 20s, and won't date for all that long (please, G-d!). :)

[Beatusduo]

We dated for 6 months before we married. We then set a date for our wedding, but instead eloped. We had a church wedding 2 months after we eloped.

We now celebrate both anniversaries, one of which is this Thursday. We have been married for 15 years.

As for my dc. I think it will depend on the situation. I don't believe the amount of time dating directly correlates with how long your marriage will last.

[nukeswife]

I met my dh in an AOL chat room on March 2, 1997

 

I met him in person on April 10th, 1997 (and stayed at his house for a 10 day vacation)

 

I got my engagement ring in the mail in May 1997 (I don't remember the exact day, but know he sent it certified US mail)

 

We got married on June 13, 1997 (yes it was Friday the 13th)

 

We've now got 13.5 years of marriage under our belts and my family swore it wouldn't last 6 months.

 

From the timeline above you can see we got engaged about 2 months after meeting on line, about a month after meeting in person and we'd only been physically in the same state for 10 days before becoming engaged. We were married about a month after getting engaged.

 

For me it was a matter of just knowing it was the right thing. I'm not sure about my kids because I have a few years before I have to worry about that, but I would like to think that it wouldn't really matter about the time they'd known each other or dated, but how the relationship works.

 

My inlaws met me the day before the wedding and to this day I think my MIL dislikes me because I'm not a "Girl from the neighborhood" 2 of my BIL's married their highschool sweethearts and the other BIL married his college sweetheart. They all dated their now spouses for 4-7 years before marrying them, and they all live within a 2 hrs drive of my inlaws. We've always lived about a days drive of more (military's fault not mine) from them and I think they hold that against me.

[Crimson Wife]

I met DH at 18 3/4, got "pinned" (like a promise ring in the Greek world) at 20 1/2, engaged at 21 1/2, married a month shy of my 22nd birthday.

 

Had we been older, we probably would've skipped the whole "pinning" stage and just gotten engaged. But he was only finishing up his junior year in college and I was just finishing up my sophomore year. Our 12th anniversary is next month.

 

My maternal grandfather was smitten by my grandmother and actually proposed to her on their very first date. She liked him but his forwardness freaked her out & she refused to see him. As the family story goes, instead of drowning his sorrows in a bar, my grandfather threw himself into working on his PhD. dissertation. He stayed in the library for a week until his friends got so worried about him that they talked my grandmother into agreeing to go out on another date. He still wanted to marry her but was smart enough to keep his intentions to himself this time. 6 weeks later, my grandfather got drafted into WWII so he proposed again and this time she accepted. They were married for 54 years :D

[Spryte]

I'm married to my first love. 11 years of bliss and counting. He asked me to marry him the night we met. :)

 

But it took us 11 years to actually jump into marriage. We were way too young to get married - I was 16 when we met. After dating for about a year, we made a date to get together in NYC in 10 years and go ice-skating... No matter what we were doing at the time.

 

I moved cross-country for college, he didn't. For the next 10 years we were on again off again long-distance. We both needed to finish school, start careers, grow up, date other people. But he was my gold standard, always.

 

Then, as our "date" drew closer, he called - out of the blue, after a 3 year absence. We dated long-distance for a year. 2 weeks before our "date" we were deciding if we should meet in NYC to go skating as planned... and somehow decided that instead we'd get married. :)

 

Life is good!

[Impish]

Wolf and I got engaged 6 wks and 5 days after we met.

We married 5 mths and 6 days after we met.

 

If any of my children attempts to follow suit, I'll lock them in the attic until they smarten up. :lol:

 

For us, I was 29, he was 35 on our wedding day. We were old enough to know very quickly what was right or not, and had had enough experience paying our own bills, living life to know what we could and couldn't manage. Its been a roller coaster anyways, but I really think that's why we moved as fast as we did to being married. That, and I was already a single mom. If I hadn't had children, we might have lived together for a year or so before talking about marriage. I made it very clear to Wolf that there would be no 'trying things out'. I wasn't going to play house with my kids. Either all the way committed, or live at your own place. :tongue_smilie:

 

We knew we were getting married the 2nd date, and talked about 'when', not 'if' from then on. The dates I mentioned were the 'official' dates.

 

We've just had our 8 yrs together in Oct, will be 8th wedding ann. in April.

[coralloyd]

Our dating AND engagement was a total of 3 months ;). Tha's right 3 months from the time we started dating to the day we were married. We have been married for 11 amazing yrs. and still going strong.

[6packofun]

I met my dh and knew pretty quickly that he was the one I wanted to marry. But we were 18 and so we dated for a year, got engaged and then waited another year before getting married. I would NOT recommend that to most people. I think we would have done better getting married within 6-9 months of *knowing* and, because all of my kids intend (reality may be different? lol) to date only when they're ready to get serious about finding a spouse, I will encourage them to not be engaged for a really long time, either.

 

I'm hoping that we talk enough about what to look for in a spouse that when they do start to look--or find someone and the process begins and maybe ends! lol--they will be confident about when to say yes to "dating" or whatever you want to call it. I want them to know the person well even *before* the dating starts, because once it does, judgment can be clouded, am I right?? LOL

 

I also hope that none of them has to deal with a long-distance relationship, mainly because it's SO tough and the times that they'd see each other would be full of temptation and without an opportunity to see that person living out life, being responsible (or not) and interacting with other people. Those are important things to see in a person.

[mytwomonkeys]

we got engaged at 6 months. married at 10 months. we're now married 10 years & still madly in love!:D ....i was 11 days shy of 29 when i got married.

Edited November 8, 2010 by mytwomonkeys

[mytwomonkeys]

Our dating AND engagement was a total of 3 months ;). Tha's right 3 months from the time we started dating to the day we were married. We have been married for 11 amazing yrs. and still going strong.

 

this is my mom & dad! they're still happily married for 45 years.

[Melissa in Australia]

we courted for about 6 months, were engaged for 3 months after that then got married.

I really think my mother hurried the whole thing along, she was sick of chaperoning, and said it is best to get married quickly for two reasons;

1 if you have picked your guy, then what is there to wait for?

2 get married quick because then you won't be led to temptation.

[lionfamily1999]

I love these threads :)

[journeytolily]

DH and I got engaged 5 months after our first date. Both of us kind of just knew that we were right for each other from the beginning. We were engaged for 13 months, as we planned our formal wedding. We have been married 10.5 yrs now, and I can't imagine him not being in my life!

 

As for our kids, well..I can only hope that they are not TOO young (I was only 19 when I married my first husband) - I would like them to at least finish college (or some kind of training). I believe that some people DO know right away, as DH and I did, so I can't make a blanket statement of how long I'd want my kids to date before marriage. In general, I'd say that they younger they are, the longer they should date. In their teens, maybe 3-5 yrs, in their 20's, maybe 2 yrs. Of course, they will do exactly as they please once they are adults!

 

DH and I were "older" so that definitely had an impact on our not dating for a long time - we both were ready to settle down, once we found each other!

 

Veronica

[hsbaby]

3 months. It was a spur of the moment thing. I think he said something romantic like "I'd marry you right now.". I said okay and we drove to Tahoe. I was 25 and he was 21. Best 8 years ever:)

Edited November 8, 2010 by hsbaby

[Murmer]

I dated 5 months before unofficially getting engaged, 6 months it was official and married 4 months later...we were not living in the same state for over 6 months before we were married.

[ktgrok]

First marriage we dated for 5 years...married 7, all of them bad. Second marriage I knew in 5 minutes that I wanted to marry him. We got married 2 years later because of logistics, but I would have done it that week. We are very happily married, and totally in love.

 

My parents got married 3 weeks after they met, and they are also still happily married.

[Mom-ninja.]

DH and I dated for 5 months when he proposed. We married a month later. At the time there were people who assumed I must have been pregnant. I wasn't.

 

We've been married for 12 years ans just as happy as we were in the beginning.

[mom31257]

My dh and I met in 1985, but we didn't date at all until the Fall of 1990. We knew each other during those years, but I wouldn't say we spent a lot of time together or anything. We were engaged 3.5 months after our first date and married 6 months later. We were both 24 when we married and living out on our own. We've been married 19.5 years.

 

As far as what I want for my kids goes, I don't think I can set a time, but I do hope they are out of school and on their own like we were. I think it really helped us to be settled in who we were. We did premarital counseling and even attended a marriage seminar with classes for engaged couples. Those things helped us a lot.

 

We love each other, and while I think our relationship has changed through the years (not as "giddy in love" I guess), I think our love is much deeper and constant. He is my best friend, and I love being with him.

[Melora in NC]

Dh and I dated 2 weeks.

 

I would like to see my children spend quite a bit longer getting to know their future spouses. A couple years would seem reasonable.

[Mama Geek]

We dated 3 months before getting engaged and an additional 10 1/2 months before getting married.

 

I would like to encourage my daughter to wait 2 years and to really get to know the guy first.