Have you discussed childhood regret with your parents?

[Joker]

I have some serious childhood issues / regrets regarding my parents - especially my mom. I was tech. the middle child. My older brother and sister were just a year apart and my little brother was two years younger. Nothing at all was "expected" of me. I actually overheard a conversation where my mom said she didn't "expect" the same of me as my older brother. I don't know why. I was an A/B student but I never really tried because it seemed noone would notice. How I wish I could go back in time! I gave up and quit school. I ended up with a great job in human resources but my family has never seemed to look past the "quit school" part. I've gone back since and am now in nursing school but I feel they will never actually take me seriously. I find that I really push my dds and let them know they are capable of anything and I know its because of my experiences. I don't think I will ever bring it up. My mom is truly a great mom and has suffered greatly (my dad and little brother were killed in a car accident). We're actually close as adults and talk almost daily. It seems horrible to bring it up but its something that will always bug me. I just want to ask her, "Why?".

 

Do any of you have any issues you wish you could bring up or that bother you?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes and it didn't go well. Not because they didn't care or even acknowledge that it was a regret for them too. But it brought up too many painful memories for all of us. It didn't make me feel better either. I ended up being helped the most by looking back and seeing God's grace even in the tough times. And I try to use those things I've learned to try to make good choices for my family now.

 

I know that there are things I regret in my own kids' lives. I hope that they can look forward to making new choices and look back to see God's grace in their lives despite the mistakes I've made.

[WiseOwlKnits]

Yes and it wasn't a good conversation. My feelings weren't validated, which only made it worse.

[Josie]

How about talking with a *trusted* friend or counselor? Since you have a good relationship now I am not sure I would be willing to risk it bringing up the past.

[Sophia]

Do any of you have any issues you wish you could bring up or that bother you?

 

I did when I was younger. As time passed though, I realized a confrontation would not go well because my mom has already created memories that are not consistent with mine. I could force clarification and honesty, but for what?

What would really be accomplished?

Instead I focused on how I could positively use my experiences in raising my own dc.

It has been easy for me to let go of what my family of origin *expected* of me, because they don't really know me.

Becoming a Christian was a big step in allowing me to let go of what others thought and just focus on who I am in Christ.

[EmilyK]

How about talking with a *trusted* friend or counselor? Since you have a good relationship now I am not sure I would be willing to risk it bringing up the past.

 

This is a great idea and might give you clarity about whether to bring it up. Especially if you can work with a good counselor on it.

[asta]

My sisters already treat my mom like cr@p - having given her a litany of what she did "wrong" and what she "should" have done.

 

Did she do all of the things my sisters said she did? Absolutely. To h*ll with it. She had also lost a child and a husband. My sisters couldn't possibly know her life.

 

My sisters still think I'm an idiot, even though I've accomplished at least if not more than they have - simply because I didn't follow the same path they did. Yeah, whatever. I'm not going to throw that at my mom.

 

I decided to be the better person. She should be able to die knowing that at least one of her kids didn't think she sucked. She did what she could. And what she did is the entire reason we're all as successful as we are.

 

 

asta

[lynn]

Yes. It took a while to realize I needed to forgive her and move on. It's taken years but I moved on. Some things still linger but I work through them.

Edited August 29, 2010 by lynn

[Ester Maria]

I don't hold any grudges against them, actually - at least not serious enough to warrant a conversation, bring up the bygone, hit my head against the wall thinking of all possible would-have-beens... Just not worth it IMO. Some things should be kept under the rug, especially if you have a very good relationship with them and if they're very dear people, and not be mentioned if you know you're going to hurt them with it.

 

My parents actually asked me that once (plus my mother an additional time), as an adult - whether I hold any regrets. I said no, that maybe I would have preferred a thing or two differently, but that those were such nuances, in the context of the big picture, that don't matter now.

[TravelingChris]

No, my mom died when I was 23 (newly married and right out of college) and my father had died when I was 13. I had no real complaints about the way I was raised. I do think my mom could have tried to hem in my sister but like Asta, I thought she had a very hard life and I wasn't going to make it harder.

 

 

My dh only comment to either of his parents was when his mom decided to stop speaking to him when he was deciding and did decide to join the military (as an officer in the Air Force, non flying and not during a war). He did tell her that at least he had turned out successfully even if she refused to acknowledge it. ( All three of his older brothers at the time had either no job or low level, non career job, none had graduated from college, none were married, and all had serious problems). SHe did come around to his way of thinking and became proud of him later. His dad was sensible and thought becoming an Air Force officer was a great idea and did all their neighbors. He is still an AF officer.

[Prudent]

I have plenty of regrets about how my parents raised me.

 

I know if I ever tried to air out their mistakes my parents would fully deny all my claims. I found it very therapeutic marrying a loving man who believes me, can see how my parents still treat me and validates that I've been wronged by them.

 

Even more healing is raising my own children so much differently than I was raised. When I give my own children loving support and guidance in certain situations, I really feel like I'm reaching back to little Prudent and giving her the love and support she needed.

 

Lastly, selfishly and immaturely, I find myself getting great satisfaction out of how delightful my children are compared to my parents' children. I'm by far the best adjusted and most successful of my siblings. I thrived in spite of my parents (and because of God's goodness), while my siblings didn't fare as well.

[gingersmom]

I have had many discussions with my mother about how I was raised.

 

Mysteriously she does not remember 99% of them. The other 1% she blames on being young and stupid and I should get over it.

 

I have no problem bringing the subject up even though it irks her. And I freely discuss how I was raised with my children. It makes them appreciate even more how good things are for them.

[Karenciavo]

No. What would be the purpose of the conversation? If they ever asked me I would tell them. I have had some conversations with my children, not along the lines of, "my parents made me feel such and such," or whatever, but rather sharing my life experience in a way that educates them and hopefully helps them avoid some hard lessons I learned.

[SquirrellyMama]

I have to agree with what many of the posters have said. It doesn't go well, parents have created their own memories that may differ from your own, it hurts them, etc...

 

I've decided that when my kids are grown I will apologize for my mistakes (I already apologize but I'm sure I haven't gotten them all) but honestly they will probably improve on mine but come up with all new mistakes for their own kids.

 

I've realized that my parents weren't perfect and I'm not either. I can already look back and see the stupid things I've done.

 

So, before having this conversation with your parents, try and think about your own kids and your own mistakes.

[Mallorie]

Yes and it didn't go well. Not because they didn't care or even acknowledge that it was a regret for them too. But it brought up too many painful memories for all of us. It didn't make me feel better either. I ended up being helped the most by looking back and seeing God's grace even in the tough times. And I try to use those things I've learned to try to make good choices for my family now.

 

I know that there are things I regret in my own kids' lives. I hope that they can look forward to making new choices and look back to see God's grace in their lives despite the mistakes I've made.

 

This is pretty much how I feel, but I still struggle with it. Some things in my childhood just weren't great. But some things in my parents lives haven't been great, I know they've had some hard blows through the years.

 

Like another pp, my sister also behaves very poorly, to all of us. She is extremely abusive and hostile. I have a hard time balancing how I feel about my parents, and allowing grace there, and watching her struggle with anger.

[kewb]

As a parent myself I have finally been able to forgive my mother. I realize now that she did the best she could. Did it fall short? Heck, yeah. Nothing would be accomplished by discussing it. I just try to do better with my kids.

[MelanieM]

Every single experience in our lives has helped to make us the people we are today. Even the things that sadden us have helped to ensure we are the parents we want to be for our own kids. So sure, we could look to the past as a reason for whatever negative feelings/experience we're having... we could also look to the past for the gifts. There's always a choice, and I try very hard to choose looking for the gifts in all instances.

 

My mother did the best she could with what she knew at the time. I get that. She's much harder on herself than I could ever be -- as we all are; it's so easy to beat yourself up over anything and everything as a parent! I really don't need to add to that for her, and I know that doing so would net zero benefit for all concerned.

 

If you have pain to release, do it with an outside party who is not emotionally invested in your story. Giving it back to those that helped create it really won't make it go away, or make you feel any better.

 

Big hugs, and many wishes for peace and love.

[bookfiend]

I have some serious childhood issues / regrets regarding my parents - especially my mom. I was tech. the middle child. My older brother and sister were just a year apart and my little brother was two years younger. Nothing at all was "expected" of me. I actually overheard a conversation where my mom said she didn't "expect" the same of me as my older brother. I don't know why. I was an A/B student but I never really tried because it seemed noone would notice. How I wish I could go back in time! I gave up and quit school. I ended up with a great job in human resources but my family has never seemed to look past the "quit school" part. I've gone back since and am now in nursing school but I feel they will never actually take me seriously. I find that I really push my dds and let them know they are capable of anything and I know its because of my experiences. I don't think I will ever bring it up. My mom is truly a great mom and has suffered greatly (my dad and little brother were killed in a car accident). We're actually close as adults and talk almost daily. It seems horrible to bring it up but its something that will always bug me. I just want to ask her, "Why?".

 

Do any of you have any issues you wish you could bring up or that bother you?

 

Maybe you could change your essential question. "Why" supposes that what you percieved as a child is the reality of what your Mother intended. Even an overheard conversation can have many nuances and meanings based on unheard conversations that went before or after.

 

Perhaps a different approach would be to open conversation by saying - this is how I perceived my place in the family. What was happening at the time that I didn't know about? How did you see me in relation to my brothers and sisters? Anchor your questions about the past in the concrete "I turned out just fine" of today.

 

It sounds like you have a good solid relationship with your Mom, but just want understanding about the past. Try understanding from her point of view first - rather than opening her up to criticism from your POV.

[Dobela]

I did bring things up to my mom and it just made life worse because she had all these other things tht she blamed me for and felt the need to tell me. Really, I wish I had just moved on and never mentioned it.

[The Girls' Mom]

I did with my dad. It served no good purpose, and I wish I hadn't.

 

With my mom, she passed away when I was 19. She apologized to me a few weeks before she died for the way I was raised. I'm SO glad I never confronted her with it. She knew her mistakes, as I'm sure most parents do.

[Mommyfaithe]

Yes and it wasn't a good conversation. My feelings weren't validated, which only made it worse.

 

I tried....many times....BUT, it is a futile discussion which adds more pain instead of healing old wounds. I won't try to re-open those again. My mother has to live with the damage she did to my brother and me but I DON"T have to allow it to effect me, my dh or my children EVER again.

 

Faithe

[May]

I would see no purpose in such a conversation. I just try to do better with my kids and move forward.

[ma23peas]

As you can see, many have issues with parents...mainly because we're human and fallible...what's done is done..I do believe people have different perceptions of history, whether right or wrong it can cause a bone of contention....the fact you talk to her daily is a blessing, she's lost a great part of her family...move on and make the next 20 years the best you can...

 

Drop the resentment, do not feed it....let it go....and embrace what you have now...I think anything other than that is selfish...(I've been there so I can call myself selfish! :))

Tara

[Mimm]

I have lots of things I regret from my childhood and talking to my mother was always a guaranteed backfire. One time (I was newly married and out of the house) she pulled me aside to "ask my advise" which is code for "confirm that what she wants to do is the right answer". My sister was wanting to cut her hair. Big drama right? She had long beautiful thick straight shiny black hair (the type of hair you see in shampoo commercials), but she was very much a tom boy and didn't take care of it and wanted it shorter. My mom was pressuring her to keep it long.

 

This was a reflection of my own childhood. I have hair that looks rather pretty when long- straight, fairly thick, a nice brown color, not gorgeous like my sister's, but still pretty- and I was always pressured to keep it long. They guilt tripped me till I was in tears when I asked to cut it. It was down to my waist and such a pain to take care of. Anyway, I told my mom that she should allow my sister to cut her hair. She seemed surprised and asked why. I said that she didn't like taking care of it and if it was cut, it would probably look neater. Then I brought up my own hair and how I was never allowed to cut it when I was younger. She snapped at me, "I feel like you have all these secret childhood resentments!" and stomped away.

 

You know those moments that will stick in your mind forever? When she said that, I suddenly realized that I DID have a bunch of childhood resentments and they were a secret because I could never talk to her about them. And I wished I could have said something about how I wished certain things had been different. How hurtful some things were. But I knew it wasn't possible.

 

Fast forward a few years. It's as if some parents don't realize the affect they can still have on grown children. My mother has put me through a lot since I moved out, and finally one day, it exploded all over our relationship. I called her on the phone to express my surprise and disapproval about something she was doing, something that she had pounded into our heads was NEVER acceptable. I tried to be as gentle as possible but she was furiously offended, the conversation escalated and we ended up not speaking for a few months. This might not seem like such a big deal to some of you, but my mother and I were very close and talked often (but not honestly). :p She finally emailed me. During the email exchange that followed, I was finally able to bring up many of the things that bothered me, such as the way she had involved me in the ugliness of my parents' bitter divorce.... and other things. I don't feel like detailing them here. I think about some of this and it still makes me feel slightly ill.

 

Parents sometimes think that when you bring up something they did wrong, you want them to go back in time and fix it. Or at least, my mom seems to have felt that way. But really all you want is for them to acknowledge that you are justified in your feelings and they are sorry. Which is something my mother could never do. Until then. I wrote her some brutal emails. I was never nasty, never called names or anything, but for the first time I was honest. And for the first time, she was listening. She apologized which is all I was looking for. It didn't really solve anything, but we both managed to heal some wounds. And our relationship improved dramatically.

 

So, basically, yes, it can be worth it to confront a parent about something hurtful. But if you can possibly let it go without the confrontation, I would do that. You also need to think about what you're likely to accomplish and if you're willing to live with less than ideal consequences. For instance, what if your mother doesn't apologize? What if she holds a grudge against you for a long time? What if she stops talking to you? I don't know your mom so I don't know if these are likely or not. When I went through that with my own mother, I was finally at a point where I was willing to walk away from my relationship with her. It was causing too much pain. I'm glad that didn't happen though.

 

Edit: Just realized this sounded like I gave my mother an itemized list of what she did wrong when I was a kid. Actually, no, I didn't talk about silly things like how I couldn't cut my hair, but focused on bigger, more hurtful things. There is plenty I've let go of without feeling the need to bring it up to her.

Edited August 29, 2010 by Mimm

[EKS]

I was a gifted kid but I see now that I also had some learning disabilities (dyslexia and ADD). My parents just figured that I was lazy in school and never intervened. I wish they had helped me with certain things, like learning math facts, organization for school, and reading fluency (just making me read aloud each day would have done wonders).

 

But they didn't and I guess I turned out ok.

 

I have mentioned that I think I have/had dyslexia and ADD. My mother just laughed at me.

 

I realize that this concern is trivial compared to those of others here, but it's the one I have.

Edited August 29, 2010 by EKS

[Joker]

Thanks everyone! I think I was just venting a bit last night. I don't think I have any intention of bringing up past issues. Its just that sometimes it really bugs me because I feel she still doesn't *really* know me. She still has her own ideas about what I'm good at or not good at and it really bugs me. She really is a good mom who's been through a lot and I do realize that because of how I feel I was treated I am making sure I don't do the same with my dds. (so that's something positive thats come out of it all)

[OrganicAnn]

I think parents are the result of their own upbringing, their personality, the number of kids and economic circumstances, the common parenting philosophies or misconceptions of the time, and all their dysfunctions. So even if you can calmly discuss a parents parenting, they might not understand. Since you are probably coming from a completely different set of assumptions.

 

I think that is why helicopter parents are now more common, since many past generations believed in benign neglect. I would caution that if you feel your parents didn't push you enough, that you don't go over board in the other direction.

 

I think writing letters to your parents and then tearing them up. Or talking to a counselor. Or praying about it. These can be as beneficial as anything else.

[Abigail4476]

No...not really. I think my parents did the best they could with the knowledge and resources they had. Since I know that they loved me, even though they didn't always make the best choices, I can appreciate that aspect. :)

 

Some mistakes our parents made were just out of ignorance and nothing more complex than that.

 

I think you have to think about what outcome you expect or desire - do you want them to agree with you that the things you view as mistakes on their part were actually mistakes? That may or may not happen. Do you want them to apologize for things they did wrong? That apology is contingent on the outcome of question 1.

 

Do you want to make them feel bad for all the bad things they've done? That's fairly easy to accomplish, but I don't know how it will make you feel when you've finished.

 

My husband came from an extremely abusive background, and while my childhood pales in comparison because my parents truly loved and cared about me, I still had my struggles. Over the years I found that just loving them anyway and welcoming them into my life as imperfect people, setting boundaries where necessary, is what works best for me.

 

My husband, on the other hand, keeps his parents at arms length, to put it lightly, because they are repeat offenders. He's tried to discuss the things that happened in his childhood, and those things are either "not remembered" or completely denied. Therefore there can be no resolution. Since the abusive behavior has continued into his adulthood, he has had to set healthy boundaries to protect himself and our family from further hurt. As it stands, then, he has a polite, long-distance relationship, and we are available to help in time of desperate need, and that's about it.

 

It's important to realize that we can't always manipulate relationships into being the relationship we idealize in our minds. We either have to accept things as they really are, and accept people as they really are, OR if even that is too toxic, we simply set boundaries and move on. My husband has formed meaningful relationships with other older men in his life, because he realized that he would never have that *mentor* type relationship with his father that he longed for.

 

I'm also of the opinion that we should keep our "own noses clean" in the midst of family struggles, and so I won't lower myself to be mean and disrespectful just because other people won't change. People who are mean, abusive, neglectful, unloving, unkind, etc., aren't going to change just because a child wants them to, because it obviously isn't in their nature to do so.

 

I guess to sum it up--I think conversations are overrated, especially past the first attempt. If you talk about it and it fails, don't waste your effort doing it over and over. I also don't believe in cutting off familial relationships just because people are difficult, but you can put healthy boundaries in place, and the occasional "cutting off" is inevitable in certain circumstances.

:grouphug:

[Mimm]

 

I think writing letters to your parents and then tearing them up. Or talking to a counselor. Or praying about it. These can be as beneficial as anything else.

 

I agree that writing these things out is helpful. I have a notebook around here that I labeled The Book of Childhood Resentments and inside are some very nasty rants. At some point I will get rid of it, as I would be horrified if my parents were ever to get ahold of it. I know from experience that my mother views the things said in anger as a more true representation of your feelings that what you say with a level head. And what I've written in the book is very angry. I needed to get it out of my system and it actually helped me organize how I feel about various things that happened.

[Abigail4476]

I have some serious childhood issues / regrets regarding my parents - especially my mom. I was tech. the middle child. My older brother and sister were just a year apart and my little brother was two years younger. Nothing at all was "expected" of me. I actually overheard a conversation where my mom said she didn't "expect" the same of me as my older brother. I don't know why. I was an A/B student but I never really tried because it seemed noone would notice. How I wish I could go back in time! I gave up and quit school. I ended up with a great job in human resources but my family has never seemed to look past the "quit school" part. I've gone back since and am now in nursing school but I feel they will never actually take me seriously. I find that I really push my dds and let them know they are capable of anything and I know its because of my experiences. I don't think I will ever bring it up. My mom is truly a great mom and has suffered greatly (my dad and little brother were killed in a car accident). We're actually close as adults and talk almost daily. It seems horrible to bring it up but its something that will always bug me. I just want to ask her, "Why?".

 

Do any of you have any issues you wish you could bring up or that bother you?

 

Just the other day, I was discussing going back to college with my mother, since it's always been a goal of mine to go back and finish, and right now it would be fairly easy for me to take evening classes. I won't go into the personal reasons why I didn't finish the first time, but as a teenager I pursued music and was fairly accomplished. I received scholarships based both on my audition to the music department of the college and also my ACT scores. My father in particular really pushed me in that direction. Anyway, my mother commented that she had always "prayed" that I wouldn't pursue music and go to college because she didn't want it to pull me away from my relationship with God. :001_huh:

 

I was floored. Not that her prayer made much difference in the overall scheme of things, but just the philosophy behind her statement shocked me to my toes. I had lots of questions bubbling up, such as, "How would it stop me from having a relationship with God?" and "Why on earth did you guys push me so hard if you wanted me to quit?" and "Why would you pray about something so STUPID?", etc.

 

However, I just looked at her for a second, and then let it go. She's 76 years old, and there was just nothing to gain from arguing with her about it. It stung me, but I realized (again) that it was just ignorance, not real malice, at work. If I think someone really has it out for me and wants to see me fail, that upsets me and makes me defensive. When I see that someone loves me, but just has misguided ideas--it allows me to cut them some slack and realize that their opinions don't really affect my choices in the end.

[mcconnellboys]

I have way too many and my parents would just be in total denial so there's really no point. My Mom only remembers what she wants to remember. She only sees what she wants to see. Attempting to get her to recognize (not acknowledge, just recognize) any problem areas just makes her withdraw from us. She's already barely in our lives, so there's no point in completely alienating them.... (my Dad just goes along with her....)

[Hedgehog]

Yes and it wasn't a good conversation. My feelings weren't validated, which only made it worse.

 

Snap. I found that a more productive way of dealing with it was to talk to a counsellor, and work on forgiving my parents from the heart.

[*Inna*]

Every single experience in our lives has helped to make us the people we are today. Even the things that sadden us have helped to ensure we are the parents we want to be for our own kids. So sure, we could look to the past as a reason for whatever negative feelings/experience we're having... we could also look to the past for the gifts. There's always a choice, and I try very hard to choose looking for the gifts in all instances.

 

My mother did the best she could with what she knew at the time. I get that. She's much harder on herself than I could ever be -- as we all are; it's so easy to beat yourself up over anything and everything as a parent! I really don't need to add to that for her, and I know that doing so would net zero benefit for all concerned.

 

If you have pain to release, do it with an outside party who is not emotionally invested in your story. Giving it back to those that helped create it really won't make it go away, or make you feel any better.

 

Big hugs, and many wishes for peace and love.

:iagree:

[mommaduck]

Yes, but it's not possible to discuss it with her at this point. However, the older I get the more I "understand" my mother. Still don't agree with her decisions, but at least am more understanding. There are times that I want to rail at her and times where I wish I could tell her that it's okay. It's in the past. I'm trying to leave it there finally. My sisters and I have moved on and are making our own lives.

[Momma2Many66]

No, I don't bring it up with my parents. They are old (mid to late 70's) and they are in the last days of their lives, why fill them with more guilt and grief ?

 

I did not have a great childhood, I have many, many, things I could hold as regrets and things I wish my parents would have done different or better.

 

But you know what ?

 

It is what it is.

 

All the things I went through in my life made me the person I am today. I am very proud of who I am today. I have learned to conquer my fears and overcome so much. I know I am better for it and it has made me very strong and I have learned to endure hardships that would probably crumble most people.

 

What doesn't destroy us makes us stronger !

 

I also realize now at the age of 44, after having raised two of my children into adulthood (ages 27 and 22) that almost all children are going to find something or another to complain or pick at about that they wish their parents would have or would have not done.

 

There are no perfect parents this side of Bethleham.

 

I also know that whatever "stick" we measure others by, so will we be measured by someday.

 

I think for our own emotional & mental health and that of our own children, we need to learn to let more things go. Forgive and forget and go on with our lives. Don't hold grudges and they won't have any hold on you.

[LibraryLover]

I think it's possible to discuss the past in a non-blaming, non- accusatory way.

 

She often says, "I was so young and foolish" etc. There would be no point in listing the ways she was that, since she already knows. Because our family has talked about the losses that were experienced, I understand my mother and grandparents better.

 

Life is a journey, a quest for meaning, and chaos is pretty much the name of the game. Even if we plan for perfection, life happens....children die, spouse die. People cheat, a hurricane destroys the house, wars happen, dictators rise, the stock market crashes. Brain cells die from lead poisoning, people drink too much or do drugs to blot pain, people die of influenza or children get assulated. We can't know an individuals personal demons...we can't know or anticipate how that might play out in a family. We don't know how each of the children in a family will percieve the same actions, the same words, a similar love.

 

We can learn some things from our parents, but our children are not us, so we don't even know how our actions (which we might carefully consider) will play out for any individual child.

 

If one can respectfully discuss the past, with an open heart and not blame, then some things can heal and some things can be set aside and new bonds can form.

 

If it's a conversation about how 'you done me wrong', it might not be helpful or growthful to either party. Thinking about our parents as human, with their own childhood hurts and pain or regrets, is helpful when revisting the past. What's the goal of the conversation, basically. What do you hope to happen for the future? Does one want to continue the relationship, understand it better? Are there ways to ask questions about the past without the person feeling defensive? Is the goal to share and explore and gain wisdom? To harm or hurt? Going into the discussion with the objective being as clear as we can manage will be helpful and will set the initial tone.

Edited September 1, 2010 by LibraryLover

[6packofun]

Whenever we talk about life when I was a kid, my mom usually expresses regret and beats herself up a bit about it. Sometimes about things that never really bothered me and sometimes she still seems oblivious to a few of the REAL issues. I know that she didn't do a great job, was doing the best she could with all the garbage happening around her AND that she has more regrets than I realized. I do not want to add to that. I went through a time where I sort of "mourned" the mother I knew I'd never have, the mother she wasn't...but I can't play the woulda, coulda, shoulda game with someone ELSE'S life, kwim? It's still hard sometimes, but I can deal.

[LibraryLover]

Some of the best conversations I have had with my parents is when I ask them about their childhoods. There are so many amazing stories...so much interconnectedness (over-soul), so many ways to see how people are forced to take on certain roles in a family.

 

I know the great regret my father has about ruining one of his sisters dolls....he was so little...maybe 4 at the time? He honestly didn't realize what he was doing was going to 'ruin' the toy. He was playing and thought he could 'wash' it. Well, he was 4 and he did ruin it. In so many ways this one act defined his childhood...and the ruined doll story still makes both of them teary. My father still regrets it, and my aunt, the big sister, still harbors anger about it, and they are both in their 70's. Me? I love the story. I feel sad for both of them, but it illustrates so much.

 

What did I learn from this story, having heard it several times in my life? That litle children do impulsive things without malice, and that parents too easily assign their children roles in a family from which they often cannot escape. My father became the bratty destructive little brother who ruined this doll in malice (which was not true). His sister became the fragile damsel- in -distress. My father and aunt are whole humain beings...not one thing...yet it took but one impulisve childhood act by a little boy who had not yet been to kindergarten, to begin this narrative, which as time went on, took on a life it's own.

 

I like knowing about my parents' pasts. We've had some good conversations about life this way...my own and theirs...and the meaning of life, just in general.

Edited August 29, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Snap. I found that a more productive way of dealing with it was to talk to a counsellor, and work on forgiving my parents from the heart.

 

This has been my experience as well.

[LibraryLover]

I think it's not so much about forgiveness, but understanding. Our parents are so much more than parents. They are daughters and sons, cousins, aunts, uncles, survivors, and more. If we want our parents to see us as more than the little boy who ruined the doll, we have to make an effort to see them as the whole of who they are.

Edited August 29, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Abigail4476]

I think it's not so much about forgiveness, but understanding. Our parents are so much more than parents. They are daughters and sons, cousins, aunts, uncles, survivors, and more. If we want our parents to see us as more than the little boy who ruined the doll, we have to make an effort to see them as the whole of who they are.

 

I love this post! You are so right. :)

[Alenee]

I had a long talk with my mom. It didn't start out that way. I was just telling her about my doctor's recommendation to write out the pain in my past. I was trying to decide whether I was willing to go forward with a hysterectomy and doc was concerned that while the hysterectomy was necessary, the physical pain would manifest itself elsewhere if I didn't finally deal with my past. When I told my mom this she went into a massive tirade. It was completely unexpected. The call did not end well. Her motto is, "If you ignore it, it doesn't exist." I never even intended to talk to her about my past. Just wanted to tell her what the doctor said.

 

After that phone call I was ready to cut all ties. She sent an e-mail to me asking where all "these accusations were coming from". I wrote back that I did not call to accuse her and if she wasn't willing to listen, I had nothing more to say to her. A few days after that I got a call from her. Very somber. She said she was ready to listen.

 

Now two years later my mom has a deep respect for me that I never thought would exist. We were always close but now there's a deeper connection and she truly accepts the person I am and the choices I'm making for my family and future. That in itself is still quite unbelievable.

 

All this to say, if you can find the right moment, talking these things out can be life-changing. I pray you get that moment or that you can make peace with your childhood in a different way.

[fairfarmhand]

Nope.

 

I feel like they did the best they could and I may have made the same mistakes as a parent. Also, things seen in the eyes of the child are different as those from an adult point of view.

 

I wouldn't want to muddy the waters after so many years.

[Laura Corin]

I don't hold any grudges against them, actually - at least not serious enough to warrant a conversation, bring up the bygone, hit my head against the wall thinking of all possible would-have-beens... Just not worth it IMO. Some things should be kept under the rug, especially if you have a very good relationship with them and if they're very dear people, and not be mentioned if you know you're going to hurt them with it.

 

 

My parents divorced when I was a teenager. A fair few very odd things were done and said during that time, but I haven't felt that it was useful to hash it over. My father (who instigated the divorce) died a few years ago. I'm glad I never confronted him.

 

Laura

[dirty ethel rackham]

I had lots of issues with how my parents raised me. Much of my parenting is a reaction to that. As an adult, I know in my head that my parents loved me, but some of the hurt is still there. I never felt understood. I never felt good enough. There were many times I wanted to bring stuff up to them, but I knew I wouldn't get any satisfaction. It would only upset the apple cart, leading to more hurt feelings all around and fracturing of relationships. I found more peace and healing in therapy in prayer than any confrontation could have done.

 

Part of truly being a grown up for me was accepting the mistakes they made, praying for healing, and working at loving my parents for who they were, not for who I wanted them to be. I had to stop looking for their approval. If there was something they were doing to me as an adult that was painful, I tried to bring it up as "I know you don't mean to hurt me (or my children), but this is how it is coming across." This non-confrontational means of communication went much further than any judgment ever did. Judging only puts people on the defensive.

 

Now, if they were continuing to "diss" me, I saw no crime in putting some distance between us.

 

The question you need to ask yourself is "what do I want to get out of it?" Then the followup question is "how likely is that to happen?" It is best to deal with the present than the past.

[Rosie_0801]

Whenever we talk about life when I was a kid, my mom usually expresses regret and beats herself up a bit about it. Sometimes about things that never really bothered me and sometimes she still seems oblivious to a few of the REAL issues. I know that she didn't do a great job, was doing the best she could with all the garbage happening around her.

 

Yeah, this. If she wants to do penance of things that are long gone, I'd rather she didn't involve me in it. She's visiting again in October and I daresay I'll say the same as last time, (and the time before) which ran something like "Dude, you did the best you could and I'm too old to be blaming my parents for my life. Yes, I know my sister is still harping on at you about stuff, but at her age, it's not your fault any more. Would you like some bean dip?" Most people's parents do the best they can. It might not look like a very good best in hindsight, but they couldn't do better than their best. If my parents hadn't done their best, I might have a different opinion.

 

I did get to the point where I decided to tell my father exactly what I thought. I'd been avoiding it for ten years because I thought it would just hurt him without resolving anything. After ten years, though, it was obvious that wasn't resolving anything either, so gave up and sent him a very long email. I worded it as politely as I could, but it was lengthy and in depth. I can't even remember what it said, so the content can't have been very important to me, I don't suppose. I know if I'd received it, I'm not sure I'd have ever spoken to me again, but Dad is Dad and not me, and we've gotten along ten times better ever since. If I'd done that to my mother, it would have fractured her soul and she'd probably never recover. Dad seemed to feel better as though it answered a whole bunch of questions he'd never figured out how to word and now that was all out in the open, we could all feel better. I dunno. He's been on a journey of self discovery for the last ten years or so, so perhaps dumping like that was just what he needed? If I'd known that, I'd have done it sooner! He's a bit weird, so who's to say? Anyway, the result is we can now converse about topics other than the weather with only a 5% chance of cracking it with each other. Before the mega-email, there was only a 5% chance we wouldn't crack it. Maybe one of these days he'll figure out how he works and be able to tell me, because I'm having major trouble figuring it out for myself!

 

Rosie

Edited August 29, 2010 by Rosie_0801

[Daisy]

No.

 

My Dad occasionally tries to bring up my abusive childhood, but his apologies usually precede my mom asking if the kids can come stay for a visit. My mom just pretends it never happened.

 

Either way it is too painful and I'm not sure what the point would be.

 

Either they have regrets for their behavior or they don't. Our talking it to death won't change that and it sure isn't going to change how I allow my children to interact with them.

[teachermom2834]

In my case it would just make things worse. No point at this time.

 

That said, my siblings initiated a conversation about our childhood in which my feelings were validated and it helped tremendously. That was enough for me to set aside any desire I did have to address any issues with my parents.

[Jean in Newcastle]

In my case it would just make things worse. No point at this time.

 

That said, my siblings initiated a conversation about our childhood in which my feelings were validated and it helped tremendously. That was enough for me to set aside any desire I did have to address any issues with my parents.

 

I can relate to this. I remember how relieved I felt when I talked to my oldest sister and she had some of the same issues I had with things growing up!

[MamaT]

My sisters and I have talked at length about our abusive childhood, but it would do no good to talk to my mother. She changes the past around in her head to suit her. My father passed away a few years ago. He was the sweetest person and loved me very much, but I have realized that he allowed abuse and he wasn't perfect either. I don't dwell on it and have healed through the grace of God, but talking about it would serve no purpose.