Consequences for Internet Porn Viewing

[goldberry]

My DD11 has a laptop she uses for school. The laptop is always in the public area, never in her room. We had several talks when she got the laptop about content online, and what to avoid, what to do if something comes up, etc. She is not allowed to chat, and is not on any social networking sites.

 

Our family is Christian, but open in discussion about sex, what it is, and why we believe sex was intended as a gift from God for those committed in marraige. I have always answered her questions honestly, and encouraged her to bring questions to me rather than seeking out peers or other sources.

 

Last spring she had her first "crush" on a boy. No freaking out, talked about how feelings are normal, but when are we prepared to deal with those feelings or act on them.

 

She got the computer last year, but we never got around to putting the monitoring software on it. (I know, I know...) So I got on there today, before the school year starts, to put some software on there. (Talk about the horse leaving the barn...)

 

I discovered she had been googling porn stuff and all kinds of inappropriate things. When I searched history, the items were there but were not viewed within the last three weeks.

 

I confronted her about it and she immediately broke down in tears about how sorry she was, she deserved to be punished, etc. I asked her how long she had been doing it, she said she started at the beginning of the summer and the last time she did it was about a month ago. (That matched up with not seeing anything in the last three weeks.) I asked her how it happened, she said she was bored one day and started to search for things. I asked her how she felt looking at those things, and she said it made her feel bad inside. I told her I understood she was at an age when she was curious about sex and her body, but that those things weren't a good way to learn or satisfy those feelings. They weren't a real representation about what sex is or is supposed to be like. She felt so bad she wouldn't even look at me. I told her I wasn't happy she went to look at those things, but that I didn't think she was a bad person, that we all make mistakes. "I am a bad person, this is the worst thing I've ever done..." She said she had prayed to God about a month ago and promised she wasn't going to do it again, and that she hadn't.

 

I spent some time reassuring her that she wasn't a bad person, we all make mistakes, but she just made a bad choice. We talked about what a temptation is, and now she really knows what it is. She wanted to know what her punishment was, and I told her I needed to talk to her dad, which of course mortified her even more.

 

Recommendations? I don't want to under or over-react. I would like her to understand the seriousness of it, but not be totally self-beating-up.

 

Thanks for any advice. I promised her I wouldn't talk to my friends she knows about it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Take away the computer privileges.

[NanceXToo]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her. She admitted it to you, she apologized to you, she told you she felt bad, she told you she thinks she IS bad, she told you she'd stopped doing it (which you saw for yourself), she told you she wouldn't do it again, she even told you she'd prayed about it.

 

I would let it go. Other than telling her that if she is curious about anything in the future, she should come to YOU, and that you'll be checking her computer history from time to time and if anything inappropriate comes up again, she'll have to lose some computer privileges or some such... I don't think she needs any further "punishment."

 

Her curiosity was normal, your response (so far) seemed perfect, and I think that you managed to resolve it with your conversation with her alone. I don't think a punishment is going to do anything that hasn't already been accomplished, via your conversation, and your daughter's own train of thoughts.

 

By the way, when I was your daughter's age, I used to satisfy MY curiosity by looking up bad words in the dictionary, and a year or so later, by trying to watch the Playboy channel- which at the time was scrambled, so you could always get these occasional flashes of something... rather than just getting no picture at all like you do today. But I didn't have the internet back then. :D

[Tidbits of Learning]

This is just me, but she was honest with you when questioned and her history backs up that she stopped a month ago. She is ashamed and feels guilty. She knows you are disappointed. That seems punishment enough.

I wouldn't do anything more than what you have done.

[StephanieZ]

Personally, I'd be mortified, upset. . . and probably overreact.

 

Since dd now knows that you will discover any additional inappropriate viewing AND she had already stopped before discovery, I do not think you need additional "consequences".

 

It's normal curiosity. She had the response I would expect -- arousal, curiousity, and shame. You talked about it and she was open with you. That is hugely awesome.

 

I'd try to just let it go. Monitor carefully in the future. But, I personally think it is best to not punish right now.

[astrid]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her.

 

Then that makes two of us.....because I agree with you completely.

 

astrid

[QueenCat]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her. She admitted it to you, she apologized to you, she told you she felt bad, she told you she thinks she IS bad, she told you she'd stopped doing it (which you saw for yourself), she told you she wouldn't do it again, she even told you she'd prayed about it.

 

I would let it go. Other than telling her that if she is curious about anything in the future, she should come to YOU, and that you'll be checking her computer history from time to time and if anything inappropriate comes up again, she'll have to lose some computer privileges or some such... I don't think she needs any further "punishment."

 

Her curiosity was normal, your response (so far) seemed perfect, and I think that you managed to resolve it with your conversation with her alone. I don't think a punishment is going to do anything that hasn't already been accomplished, via your conversation, and your daughter's own train of thoughts.

 

 

 

:iagree: I agree with all of the above. Perhaps as further discussion, since you mentioned you are Christians, you can look up some applicable Bible verses. Not as a punishment but as discussion.

[Hockey Mom]

Take away the computer privileges.

:iagree:

 

Computers can be pretty dangerous for adults, much less kids. And honestly, she broke your trust in her. While she's repentant for what she did, she still needs to have consequences, and she needs to work on building trust with you again.

[patchfire]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her. She admitted it to you, she apologized to you, she told you she felt bad, she told you she thinks she IS bad, she told you she'd stopped doing it (which you saw for yourself), she told you she wouldn't do it again, she even told you she'd prayed about it.

 

I would let it go. Other than telling her that if she is curious about anything in the future, she should come to YOU, and that you'll be checking her computer history from time to time and if anything inappropriate comes up again, she'll have to lose some computer privileges or some such... I don't think she needs any further "punishment."

 

Her curiosity was normal, your response (so far) seemed perfect, and I think that you managed to resolve it with your conversation with her alone. I don't think a punishment is going to do anything that hasn't already been accomplished, via your conversation, and your daughter's own train of thoughts.

 

I agree with all of this 100%.

[abbeyej]

I don't think I would "punish" -- it sounds like she's got that covered herself -- but I would be open with her about the need for more accountability during her computer use. Perhaps a period of time when she does not use the internet without a parent sitting beside her (perhaps working on something else, but still with half an eye on the computer). Let her know that this is merely a way to help her avoid temptation. Or take the computer away for a period of time. While we're a pretty wired household, I don't think that 11yos *need* to be on the internet.

 

But I wouldn't punish her more. She feels very bad and has promised not to do this again. That's pretty much how the Bible says one should deal with sin, right? I'd want to focus more on how you want her to come to you if she feels tempted to look at such things again and discuss those feeling with you instead of indulging them or allowing guilt to fester inside of her...

[NanceXToo]

:iagree:

 

Computers can be pretty dangerous for adults, much less kids. And honestly, she broke your trust in her. While she's repentant for what she did, she still needs to have consequences, and she needs to work on building trust with you again.

 

But she DID have consequences. She felt bad, she felt guilt, she felt shame. Those were the consequences. And those consequences led her to pray about what she'd done, and to make the decision- all by herself- to stop doing it. As was evidenced in the computer's history. That's pretty amazing and mature, if you ask me!

 

And she didn't try to lie when confronted, she immediately confessed- and then went through still more guilt, shame and so on.

 

I SERIOUSLY don't think any further consequences are necessary. I think it's been handled perfectly so far- by both daughter and mother.

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her. She admitted it to you, she apologized to you, she told you she felt bad, she told you she thinks she IS bad, she told you she'd stopped doing it (which you saw for yourself), she told you she wouldn't do it again, she even told you she'd prayed about it.

 

I would let it go. Other than telling her that if she is curious about anything in the future, she should come to YOU, and that you'll be checking her computer history from time to time and if anything inappropriate comes up again, she'll have to lose some computer privileges or some such... I don't think she needs any further "punishment."

 

Her curiosity was normal, your response (so far) seemed perfect, and I think that you managed to resolve it with your conversation with her alone. I don't think a punishment is going to do anything that hasn't already been accomplished, via your conversation, and your daughter's own train of thoughts.

 

By the way, when I was your daughter's age, I used to satisfy MY curiosity by looking up bad words in the dictionary, and a year or so later, by trying to watch the Playboy channel- which at the time was scrambled, so you could always get these occasional flashes of something... rather than just getting no picture at all like you do today. But I didn't have the internet back then. :D

 

:iagree:

[Hockey Mom]

Slightly OT, but you can put this software on her computer:

 

http://www1.k9webprotection.com/

 

I know that some sites that kids go to often have inappropriate ad banners, and all they have to do is click one and they're off on a dangerous rabbit trail. If you install the software, it will block those ads. It also allows for the parent to set specific time periods for when the child has access to the internet. We had a problem with DS6 getting up in the middle of the middle of the night to play on nickjr.com, so we set the controls so he could only use the internet between 7am - 7pm. All other hours were blocked.

[specialmama]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her. She admitted it to you, she apologized to you, she told you she felt bad, she told you she thinks she IS bad, she told you she'd stopped doing it (which you saw for yourself), she told you she wouldn't do it again, she even told you she'd prayed about it.

 

I would let it go. Other than telling her that if she is curious about anything in the future, she should come to YOU, and that you'll be checking her computer history from time to time and if anything inappropriate comes up again, she'll have to lose some computer privileges or some such... I don't think she needs any further "punishment."

 

Her curiosity was normal, your response (so far) seemed perfect, and I think that you managed to resolve it with your conversation with her alone. I don't think a punishment is going to do anything that hasn't already been accomplished, via your conversation, and your daughter's own train of thoughts.

 

By the way, when I was your daughter's age, I used to satisfy MY curiosity by looking up bad words in the dictionary, and a year or so later, by trying to watch the Playboy channel- which at the time was scrambled, so you could always get these occasional flashes of something... rather than just getting no picture at all like you do today. But I didn't have the internet back then. :D

 

:iagree: I think being open and honest about these things is the best solution. If it's handled too strictly, she may begin to blurr the lines of what she saw and a sexual act done in love... in other words, she may feel punished and therefore, sex is bad. Look, this is a heart issue... and you've dealt with her heart. Might I suggest (after dad has calmed down and prayed) that he have a very calm heart to heart with her. He should assure her that sex between 2 people God has joined together is MUCH MORE than what she saw. That it is beautiful and an illustration of how close Christ will be to His Bride, the Church... it is not merely physical, cold, acted out before cameras. He should reassure her that he loves her and forgives her, and they should pray that the images be removed from her mind. She will likely have to pray that prayer over and over again, as images like that have a way of haunting you. Again, this is a heart issue and a spiritual one... and I think you've done a FANTASTIC job in responding to this. Good for you, mom! Praying for a great conversation and healing in your girl's heart and mind. :grouphug:

Edited August 14, 2010 by specialmama

[WishboneDawn]

But she DID have consequences. She felt bad, she felt guilt, she felt shame. Those were the consequences. And those consequences led her to pray about what she'd done, and to make the decision- all by herself- to stop doing it. As was evidenced in the computer's history. That's pretty amazing and mature, if you ask me!

 

And she didn't try to lie when confronted, she immediately confessed- and then went through still more guilt, shame and so on.

 

I SERIOUSLY don't think any further consequences are necessary. I think it's been handled perfectly so far- by both daughter and mother.

 

I agree. It sounds like you guys both handled the whole thing quite well. Kudos to you both!

 

In the future I'd make sure web surfing was done with an adult in the room but that's about it.

[Chris in VA]

"Punishment"/consequence is monitering software now on the computer.

:grouphug:

You handled it well, and she sounds like she has a tender spirit.

[Daisy]

I don't think I would "punish" -- it sounds like she's got that covered herself -- but I would be open with her about the need for more accountability during her computer use. Perhaps a period of time when she does not use the internet without a parent sitting beside her (perhaps working on something else, but still with half an eye on the computer). Let her know that this is merely a way to help her avoid temptation. Or take the computer away for a period of time. While we're a pretty wired household, I don't think that 11yos *need* to be on the internet.

 

But I wouldn't punish her more. She feels very bad and has promised not to do this again. That's pretty much how the Bible says one should deal with sin, right? I'd want to focus more on how you want her to come to you if she feels tempted to look at such things again and discuss those feeling with you instead of indulging them or allowing guilt to fester inside of her...

 

:iagree: I agree with a lot of this. I think accountability is good for everyone regardless of their age. I'd make sure the appropriate filters were placed on the computer. I would also say that all computers get used in a common area INCLUDING the laptop.

 

That isn't a punishment, imo. It is simply doing what should have been done from the beginning (by your own admission). I think it is awesome that your daughter was so honest with you and that she already recognized the need to eliminate this activity.

[Corraleno]

But she DID have consequences. She felt bad, she felt guilt, she felt shame. Those were the consequences. And those consequences led her to pray about what she'd done, and to make the decision- all by herself- to stop doing it. As was evidenced in the computer's history. That's pretty amazing and mature, if you ask me!

 

And she didn't try to lie when confronted, she immediately confessed- and then went through still more guilt, shame and so on.

 

I SERIOUSLY don't think any further consequences are necessary. I think it's been handled perfectly so far- by both daughter and mother.

:iagree:

 

Jackie

[amydavis]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her. She admitted it to you, she apologized to you, she told you she felt bad, she told you she thinks she IS bad, she told you she'd stopped doing it (which you saw for yourself), she told you she wouldn't do it again, she even told you she'd prayed about it.

 

I would let it go. Other than telling her that if she is curious about anything in the future, she should come to YOU, and that you'll be checking her computer history from time to time and if anything inappropriate comes up again, she'll have to lose some computer privileges or some such... I don't think she needs any further "punishment."

 

Her curiosity was normal, your response (so far) seemed perfect, and I think that you managed to resolve it with your conversation with her alone. I don't think a punishment is going to do anything that hasn't already been accomplished, via your conversation, and your daughter's own train of thoughts.

 

By the way, when I was your daughter's age, I used to satisfy MY curiosity by looking up bad words in the dictionary, and a year or so later, by trying to watch the Playboy channel- which at the time was scrambled, so you could always get these occasional flashes of something... rather than just getting no picture at all like you do today. But I didn't have the internet back then. :D

 

:iagree:

 

I agree with all of this...except for me, it was looking up bad words, finding a friend's father's Playboy magazine, and sneaking up late and turning on the Dr. Ruth program! :blushing:

 

I think it is actually remarkable that she confessed and admitted to feeling shame and the need to pray. She managed to use all of the tools you'd given her, to do the right thing in the end. I would simply talk to her and allow her to know that you're installing software to help should any further temptations arise. I just don't think anything more is necessary; you've handled it perfectly.

[Oakblossoms]

I think you helped her through the process of healing that our Savior gave us. She did the first part, you helped her through the rest. I think that is vital, especially at her age.

 

But, filter that computer.

[simka2]

But she DID have consequences. She felt bad, she felt guilt, she felt shame. Those were the consequences. And those consequences led her to pray about what she'd done, and to make the decision- all by herself- to stop doing it. As was evidenced in the computer's history. That's pretty amazing and mature, if you ask me!

 

And she didn't try to lie when confronted, she immediately confessed- and then went through still more guilt, shame and so on.

 

I SERIOUSLY don't think any further consequences are necessary. I think it's been handled perfectly so far- by both daughter and mother.

 

 

Well put! I don't think you want to add any shame with this...she sounds like an amazing young lady!!!! The consequences are natural...that icky feeling is one of the worst consequences out there!!!

[goldberry]

Thank you so much for your kind responses, they kind of go along with what I was thinking. I did tell her what I was doing on there anyway with the monitoring software, and asked her what she felt about that, she said she was glad it would be on there. I told her it was still up to her the choices she makes in life, and no software was going to protect her from that.

 

I was really freaked out and hoping to handle it well so she could learn that I wasn't MAD at her that she went to the sites, but that I really wanted her to know WHY the sites aren't good.

 

I will at least be making it clear to her that the next time anything like that happens, it would be more serious because to us it would mean that she didn't learn anything from this time. We have stressed to her that everyone makes mistakes, but what's important is to learn from them.

 

UGH. Thanks so much for the discussion and support.

[Hockey Mom]

I am probably projecting here, and if I am, I apologize. When we handed our DD her laptop, we laid out in great detail what was acceptable viewing and what wasn't. She was also told that her laptop was subject to periodic checks.

 

I guess I view this more as a trust issue rather than the actual porn stuff. Yes, the girl did confess after she was caught. I see that more as a lie of omission rather than coming clean. Would this young lady have outed herself? I guess that's something only mom would know. I can certainly see everyone else's POV in saying this girl needs no further "punishment", but I know if I were in this mom's shoes, the computer would be taken away for a week while Dh loaded up the monitoring software, and thoroughly checked the computer out for viruses and such (since porn sites are notorious for viruses).

[EJCMom]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her. She admitted it to you, she apologized to you, she told you she felt bad, she told you she thinks she IS bad, she told you she'd stopped doing it (which you saw for yourself), she told you she wouldn't do it again, she even told you she'd prayed about it.

 

I would let it go. Other than telling her that if she is curious about anything in the future, she should come to YOU, and that you'll be checking her computer history from time to time and if anything inappropriate comes up again, she'll have to lose some computer privileges or some such... I don't think she needs any further "punishment."

 

Her curiosity was normal, your response (so far) seemed perfect, and I think that you managed to resolve it with your conversation with her alone. I don't think a punishment is going to do anything that hasn't already been accomplished, via your conversation, and your daughter's own train of thoughts.

 

By the way, when I was your daughter's age, I used to satisfy MY curiosity by looking up bad words in the dictionary, and a year or so later, by trying to watch the Playboy channel- which at the time was scrambled, so you could always get these occasional flashes of something... rather than just getting no picture at all like you do today. But I didn't have the internet back then. :D

:iagree: 100%. I mean, really, what more can you do to her that will make her feel worse than she already feels?

[happi duck]

This is just me, but she was honest with you when questioned and her history backs up that she stopped a month ago. She is ashamed and feels guilty. She knows you are disappointed. That seems punishment enough.

I wouldn't do anything more than what you have done.

 

:iagree:

[Laurie4b]

I don't see a need for punishment because she stopped on her own. What would be the point?

Will you be giving yourself a punishment for not getting monitoring software on there? No. We don't punish ourselves. We correct ourselves as we get older. That's what your dd did. Congratulations to her on her maturity.

I would finish installing the software. That's some prevention, but know that it will always be your dd's self-control that determines the outcome. Kids can load up porn apps to their phones, view at nice friend's houses, etc. It is everywhere! We didn't have the same constant in-your-face-come-to-you-at-your-fingertips temptations that our kids do. But it's too ubiquitous for parental monitoring alone to address. There has to be an internal monitor and your dd has one.

So no punishment, but support. Is there a youth leader or friend that she can be accountable to? (Yes, she can be accountable to you, but part of growing up is developing other accountability.)

How can you help her heal? She's probably seen disgusting things that she can't get out of her mind. Can you pray for her and ask God to cleanse her mind? I suspect that her question about her punishment is because she feels she needs to pay. Jesus did. The issue is more likely to be receiving forgiveness. Can she receive His forgiveness for this and move forward? Perhaps a little ceremony at home where she writes down a list of her sins and then nails the paper to a cross or throws it into a fire and thanks God as it burns that her sins are as far as the east is to the west.

[babysparkler]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her. She admitted it to you, she apologized to you, she told you she felt bad, she told you she thinks she IS bad, she told you she'd stopped doing it (which you saw for yourself), she told you she wouldn't do it again, she even told you she'd prayed about it.

 

I would let it go. Other than telling her that if she is curious about anything in the future, she should come to YOU, and that you'll be checking her computer history from time to time and if anything inappropriate comes up again, she'll have to lose some computer privileges or some such... I don't think she needs any further "punishment."

 

Her curiosity was normal, your response (so far) seemed perfect, and I think that you managed to resolve it with your conversation with her alone. I don't think a punishment is going to do anything that hasn't already been accomplished, via your conversation, and your daughter's own train of thoughts.

 

By the way, when I was your daughter's age, I used to satisfy MY curiosity by looking up bad words in the dictionary, and a year or so later, by trying to watch the Playboy channel- which at the time was scrambled, so you could always get these occasional flashes of something... rather than just getting no picture at all like you do today. But I didn't have the internet back then. :D

 

:iagree:

 

I would install something like Covenant Eyes to help you monitor future viewing, let her know that will be happening, and be sure to let her know what a mature and honest young lady she has proven to be through all of this.

 

How can you help her heal? She's probably seen disgusting things that she can't get out of her mind. Can you pray for her and ask God to cleanse her mind? I suspect that her question about her punishment is because she feels she needs to pay. Jesus did. The issue is more likely to be receiving forgiveness. Can she receive His forgiveness for this and move forward? Perhaps a little ceremony at home where she writes down a list of her sins and then nails the paper to a cross or throws it into a fire and thanks God as it burns that her sins are as far as the east is to the west.

 

I like this!

Edited August 14, 2010 by babysparkler

[Guest ME-Mommy]

:iagree:

 

Computers can be pretty dangerous for adults, much less kids. And honestly, she broke your trust in her. While she's repentant for what she did, she still needs to have consequences, and she needs to work on building trust with you again.

 

:iagree: -- and PLEASE install the monitoring software!!

[kpnick in nc]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her. She admitted it to you, she apologized to you, she told you she felt bad, she told you she thinks she IS bad, she told you she'd stopped doing it (which you saw for yourself), she told you she wouldn't do it again, she even told you she'd prayed about it.

 

I would let it go. Other than telling her that if she is curious about anything in the future, she should come to YOU, and that you'll be checking her computer history from time to time and if anything inappropriate comes up again, she'll have to lose some computer privileges or some such... I don't think she needs any further "punishment."

 

Her curiosity was normal, your response (so far) seemed perfect, and I think that you managed to resolve it with your conversation with her alone. I don't think a punishment is going to do anything that hasn't already been accomplished, via your conversation, and your daughter's own train of thoughts.

 

By the way, when I was your daughter's age, I used to satisfy MY curiosity by looking up bad words in the dictionary, and a year or so later, by trying to watch the Playboy channel- which at the time was scrambled, so you could always get these occasional flashes of something... rather than just getting no picture at all like you do today. But I didn't have the internet back then. :D

 

:iagree:

[iona]

I suspect that her question about her punishment is because she feels she needs to pay. Jesus did. The issue is more likely to be receiving forgiveness. Can she receive His forgiveness for this and move forward?

 

this strikes close to home for me. the whole sin, shame, repent, repeat.

especially if/when she does this again (not saying she will, but sometimes these things did in deep and are cyclical in an ugly way) understanding her righteousness in Christ, not in her own strength or failures.

 

yes, monitor her, parent her, discipline her....but always keep God's grace and all of our constant need in this for his grace, even when we are at "our best"

 

i hope i don't come across as telling you how to parent at all...it sounds like you handled this in a great way...in a way i would hope to do with my own boys.

:grouphug:

[bookfiend]

:iagree: I agree with a lot of this. I think accountability is good for everyone regardless of their age. I'd make sure the appropriate filters were placed on the computer. I would also say that all computers get used in a common area INCLUDING the laptop.

 

That isn't a punishment, imo. It is simply doing what should have been done from the beginning (by your own admission). I think it is awesome that your daughter was so honest with you and that she already recognized the need to eliminate this activity.

 

And remember that cell phones with internet connection are mini-computers with access to all of the same stuff.

 

I agree with the majority. Punishment is unnecessary, and you have this beautiful opportunity to build on relationship. Mercy and understanding are more powerful in these types of shamming sins than punishment.

[texasmama]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her. She admitted it to you, she apologized to you, she told you she felt bad, she told you she thinks she IS bad, she told you she'd stopped doing it (which you saw for yourself), she told you she wouldn't do it again, she even told you she'd prayed about it.

 

I would let it go. Other than telling her that if she is curious about anything in the future, she should come to YOU, and that you'll be checking her computer history from time to time and if anything inappropriate comes up again, she'll have to lose some computer privileges or some such... I don't think she needs any further "punishment."

 

Her curiosity was normal, your response (so far) seemed perfect, and I think that you managed to resolve it with your conversation with her alone. I don't think a punishment is going to do anything that hasn't already been accomplished, via your conversation, and your daughter's own train of thoughts.

 

:iagree: Put the software on and don't do anything further to punish her.

[Greta]

I don't see a need for punishment because she stopped on her own. What would be the point?

Will you be giving yourself a punishment for not getting monitoring software on there? No. We don't punish ourselves. We correct ourselves as we get older. That's what your dd did. Congratulations to her on her maturity.

 

This. Exactly. The alleged point of punishment is to instill self-discipline. Your daughter showed that she HAS self-discipline! That means you've done an amazing job raising your daughter so far. Be proud of her. I think that any punishment at this point would only cause damage, to her view of herself and your relationship with her. I'd give her a hug and tell her how proud I am that she showed such self-control. Then I would drop it. End of story.

 

Really, she sounds like a great kid. :grouphug:

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her. She admitted it to you, she apologized to you, she told you she felt bad, she told you she thinks she IS bad, she told you she'd stopped doing it (which you saw for yourself), she told you she wouldn't do it again, she even told you she'd prayed about it.

 

I would let it go. Other than telling her that if she is curious about anything in the future, she should come to YOU, and that you'll be checking her computer history from time to time and if anything inappropriate comes up again, she'll have to lose some computer privileges or some such... I don't think she needs any further "punishment."

 

Her curiosity was normal, your response (so far) seemed perfect, and I think that you managed to resolve it with your conversation with her alone. I don't think a punishment is going to do anything that hasn't already been accomplished, via your conversation, and your daughter's own train of thoughts.

 

By the way, when I was your daughter's age, I used to satisfy MY curiosity by looking up bad words in the dictionary, and a year or so later, by trying to watch the Playboy channel- which at the time was scrambled, so you could always get these occasional flashes of something... rather than just getting no picture at all like you do today. But I didn't have the internet back then. :D

 

:iagree:This exactly.

[Jugglin'5]

I don't think I would "punish" -- it sounds like she's got that covered herself -- but I would be open with her about the need for more accountability during her computer use. Perhaps a period of time when she does not use the internet without a parent sitting beside her (perhaps working on something else, but still with half an eye on the computer). Let her know that this is merely a way to help her avoid temptation. Or take the computer away for a period of time. While we're a pretty wired household, I don't think that 11yos *need* to be on the internet.

 

But I wouldn't punish her more. She feels very bad and has promised not to do this again. That's pretty much how the Bible says one should deal with sin, right? I'd want to focus more on how you want her to come to you if she feels tempted to look at such things again and discuss those feeling with you instead of indulging them or allowing guilt to fester inside of her...

 

:iagree:

[Marylou]

She got the computer last year, but we never got around to putting the monitoring software on it. (I know, I know...) So I got on there today, before the school year starts, to put some software on there. (Talk about the horse leaving the barn...)

 

 

 

Did you apologize to her for your mistake? What monitoring software did you choose? I'm looking to get some, too.

[Dobela]

I agree with so many others. Not too long ago my 10yo ds stumbled into sites he shouldn't. I do have filtering software but had turned it off so I could read this site ironically. His dad let him use the computer not knowing. So even with filters, a child can end up where they shouldn't. And with my son I feel responsible to a degree. I had not taught him how to properly search for items on the web and he made up his own method- essentially putting what he wanted between 'www.' and '.com'. After all, that is how he found his favorite cartoon characters. Just imagine what came up when he started putting names of body parts (innocent names that he could spell like arm, lips, and leg) between those to make a web address. Then, once he was in the porn, it was almost impossible for him to get out with all the pop ups tht just continued and continued. He finally just turned off the computer and I discovered later what happened. And this is a computer in our living room with adults walking about but not really looking or paying attention when we should have :blushing: We just never imagined he would search that way. We did talk with him about it, but we didn't punish him because we felt that we are the ones who were at fault.

 

Since then I have taught him how to use search engines and we always make sure the filter is on before he has his turn. We also alerted his grandparents so they would be aware and watchful.

[OnTheBrink]

I am probably projecting here, and if I am, I apologize. When we handed our DD her laptop, we laid out in great detail what was acceptable viewing and what wasn't. She was also told that her laptop was subject to periodic checks.

 

I guess I view this more as a trust issue rather than the actual porn stuff. Yes, the girl did confess after she was caught. I see that more as a lie of omission rather than coming clean. Would this young lady have outed herself? I guess that's something only mom would know. I can certainly see everyone else's POV in saying this girl needs no further "punishment", but I know if I were in this mom's shoes, the computer would be taken away for a week while Dh loaded up the monitoring software, and thoroughly checked the computer out for viruses and such (since porn sites are notorious for viruses).

 

I completely, 100%, without a doubt, no questions asked, agree with this!

 

I'd load the computer with pretty intense monitoring software and if this ever happens again, the consequences are swift and painful (and I'm not talking about spanking).

[nd293]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her. She admitted it to you, she apologized to you, she told you she felt bad, she told you she thinks she

 

:iagree:

[Scarlett]

I don't think I would "punish" -- it sounds like she's got that covered herself -- but I would be open with her about the need for more accountability during her computer use. Perhaps a period of time when she does not use the internet without a parent sitting beside her (perhaps working on something else, but still with half an eye on the computer). Let her know that this is merely a way to help her avoid temptation. Or take the computer away for a period of time. While we're a pretty wired household, I don't think that 11yos *need* to be on the internet.

 

But I wouldn't punish her more. She feels very bad and has promised not to do this again. That's pretty much how the Bible says one should deal with sin, right? I'd want to focus more on how you want her to come to you if she feels tempted to look at such things again and discuss those feeling with you instead of indulging them or allowing guilt to fester inside of her...

 

Abbey always beats me to it.

 

I think the computer is horribly dangerous for young people. I told ds that I will be installing a keylogger on his computer (along with parental controls) for this very reason. I told him the temptations are great and the damge to him can be substantial and it is my job to protect him.

 

I wouldn't punish her. I would just provide more protection for her. She is very young.

[Anna]

Fwiw-- Net Nanny is a top notch internet filtering program.

[LittleHouseHomeschool]

I'd purchase a filter immediately, then I would allow access to the computer only in public places of the home and only when an adult is present. It might help your daughter if you would apologize to her for not protecting her with accountability measures. It might take some of the burden/shame off of her shoulders...

 

(I'm not blaming you though...please don't hear any sort of condemnation.) It's easy to trust our kids too much. It's easy to be complacent about the internet with all the busyness of life. Much good can come through it's use, but the internet is also full of nasty, harmful stuff and as parents we must stand guard diligently.

 

Porn is highly addictive, so you may want to check in with your daughter from time to time. Also you might want to look for a quality resource to teach sexual integrity in this difficult world we live in. If you are Christian, I can recommend Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman's Battle by Ethridge. It has sections for pre-teens to adulthood. It is designed to be read by mom first and then, mom and daughter together read the sections most appropriate for the daughter.

 

I'm sending up a prayer for your precious little girl!

[Peela]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her.

 

I agree. I wouldn't punish either. She is already remorseful in a deep way...and punishment is only meant to provoke remorse, it is not for its own sake.

I would also be careful not to promote more shame.Those hormones kicking in are a mighty powerful force .

[MelanieM]

Another nod to Nance's excellent post. I think to punish in this situation would be to miss the whole point of punishment in the first place. (At least, the only point of punishment that I can understand.)

 

Everyone makes mistakes... it's how we handle them that speaks to our true character. I think you sound like an amazing mother, with a lovely daughter. Well done.

[J-rap]

***

Edited February 18, 2023 by J-rap

[Rivka]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her. She admitted it to you, she apologized to you, she told you she felt bad, she told you she thinks she IS bad, she told you she'd stopped doing it (which you saw for yourself), she told you she wouldn't do it again, she even told you she'd prayed about it.

 

I would let it go. Other than telling her that if she is curious about anything in the future, she should come to YOU, and that you'll be checking her computer history from time to time and if anything inappropriate comes up again, she'll have to lose some computer privileges or some such... I don't think she needs any further "punishment."

 

Her curiosity was normal, your response (so far) seemed perfect, and I think that you managed to resolve it with your conversation with her alone. I don't think a punishment is going to do anything that hasn't already been accomplished, via your conversation, and your daughter's own train of thoughts.

 

:iagree:It sounds like everything you would hope to achieve with a punishment/consequence has already happened.

[LizzyBee]

She is already suffering the consequences and has repented. She committed not to do it again, and hasn't. I wouldn't punish her at all. I would tell her that if she feels tempted again, let me know because I want to help her stay strong. If you restrict her computer privileges, I would present it as a way to help her avoid temptation, not as a punishment.

[Haiku]

Recommendations? I don't want to under or over-react. I would like her to understand the seriousness of it, but not be totally self-beating-up.

 

 

Sounds like she already understands the seriousness and has already beaten herself up over it. I would install the monitoring software and let it go. Perhaps I would say that she can't use the computer without an adult in the room, but I wouldn't punish further.

 

Unless it happens again, at which time she would lose all computer privileges for a long, long, long time (a year?).

 

Tara

[Gwenhwyfar]

I'm in agreement with the "she's already been punished enough" crowd, but may I make a suggestion? If possible, I would try to have a chat with her about what she saw. There's some pretty wild stuff out there... I'd be concerned that she may have seen things that confused or even scared her - especially given her very young age. :(

[Lizzie in Ma]

But she DID have consequences. She felt bad, she felt guilt, she felt shame. Those were the consequences. And those consequences led her to pray about what she'd done, and to make the decision- all by herself- to stop doing it. As was evidenced in the computer's history. That's pretty amazing and mature, if you ask me!

 

And she didn't try to lie when confronted, she immediately confessed- and then went through still more guilt, shame and so on.

 

I SERIOUSLY don't think any further consequences are necessary. I think it's been handled perfectly so far- by both daughter and mother.

 

:iagree::iagree:

Having BTDT, I agree and put the filter on for her sake and your own We use the free K9. I wish I had done it before this happened but I didn't and now I can never remove those images from her mind. My own deep regret.