A poll about your mom - for no other reason than curiosity.

[Mama Geek]

My mom lives several hours away but we visit any chance we get and talk on the phone several times a week. We also just got started on Skype.

[MBM]

I don't know how to vote. Both my mom and dad died when I was young. I have lived without them much longer than with them, so their absence doesn't really impact me much; however, I would rather they be alive than otherwise. I guess that's my answer. :)

[Sasharowan]

Mom and I speak daily and see each other at least 2x a week. She spoils the kids rotten too.

[Chelle in MO]

Sadly, my mom passed away when I was 19, well before I was married or had a child. It had a huge impact on me and I deeply regret she never knew her grandchildren (either my daughter or my younger sister's children). However, if she had lived, it's entirely possible I might not have my husband.

 

Do you mind sharing why that would be? I'm just curious about the story that's obviously there...

[5knights3maidens]

I talk to my mom almost every day. :D

[MamaT]

My mom is alive and we talk about twice a month. If I didn't call her I'm not sure how long it would be before I heard from her. My mom has never been very "motherly." My sister who is 12 years older than I am has always been more of a mother to me than my mom. I talk to her 3 or more times a week.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

My mom was young and had issues. I think she did the best she could. I talk to her nearly every day, even when there is an ocean between us.

 

Same for me.

[Ellie]

My mom was young and had issues. I think she did the best she could. I talk to her nearly every day, even when there is an ocean between us.

My mother was just 15 when I was born. Happily, her parents were there for me, and my life was stable and happy. She, too, had issues, and was much better as friends with her adult children than as mother to young ones, and she was a GREAT friend to me.

[CanaryMelody]

I voted My mom is alive but I have little to no contact with her.

 

I rarely get to talk to her because my dad is always shielding her. I have no idea why, to be honest. Every time I call, mom is out on walks or shopping, etc. Doesn't matter if it is 8am or 8pm. She is always out. My mom is a wallflower. She's a homebody and frequently sick because of her lupus. Sometimes I feel that she would be on her deathbed and I'd never know with as much communication as I receive from my parents. They aren't bad people. Really. My dad is a good man but I think he's a bit overprotective of her. :confused:

 

When I was going through my divorce and then later through a 7 month custody court case, my dad helped us through it (advice and money) but I was never allowed to bring up anything negative or even discuss what was happening to my mom. It hurt. He has no idea how much I needed a mom to talk to. I still do.

 

Anyway, I talk to my MIL about once a month. We usually have pretty good conversations but sometimes it is difficult since we are so different in our views. (I'm very conservative, she's liberal; I'm a Christian, she's not; I'm politically conservative independent, she's a liberal democrat, etc.) So we stay away from religion and politics! :lol:

 

Usually, though, we agree to disagree and I just take what advice I can glean from her. I just wish I could talk to my mom like I talk to her. :(

[KarenNC]

Do you mind sharing why that would be? I'm just curious about the story that's obviously there...

 

I don't know that it's hugely interesting:) but sure. I was always very introverted, very reluctant to go into situations without having the backup of someone I knew being with me and fully knowing the rules of a situation so that I wouldn't look stupid;). I met my husband through a group where I went into the first meeting absolutely cold---knew no-one, only had a sketchy idea of what was expected, but was very interested in what they were doing and looking for connections with others when I was in my late twenties. This was very atypical for me. I was also living in a city that, while not far from where I grew up, was not my hometown.

 

Honestly, looking back at my personality and the relationship that I had with my mom and she had with her mother, if she had not passed away, I would probably have still been living in my hometown very close by and not nearly as driven to seek out more connections outside the family. We lived a block away from my maternal grandmother, went to the church where my mother grew up, were at my grandmother's house every single day, etc. There's close and then there's enmeshed in not the optimally healthy way. I'm afraid my mom's relationship with my grandmother tended to the latter and I would likely have gone down that same road. I know I was horribly homesick the entire first year of college and came home every chance I could, but that was also partly because my mother was in ill health.

 

My mother's death and my father's quick remarriage (within 8 months) to someone very different than my mother caused a huge shakeup not only in our family, but also in the way I approached life and prompted a much closer examination of what was important to me. I think I became a much more independent and self-reliant person than I might have been otherwise, and at least a little more likely to take (in the grand scheme of things fairly minor) risks. As she died at the end of my freshman year in college, that change may have happened anyway, but I obviously don't know. Maybe a bit like all those characters in children's books who have to lose the security net of a parent to prompt their journey/adventure/growing up. Hopefully we can support my daughter in that journey without needing such a drastic event!!:)

[danybug]

My mom is my very best friend! We talk a zillion times a day and see each other a few times a week. I am so blessed and thank God everyday for the love and support I have in my mom (well, and my dad too for that matter). Especially, since I know how some parental relationships turn out. My dh has no contact with his mother and my sister has cut off contact with my mom and I. It makes me so sad to think about what my life would be like without my mother!

[The Girls' Mom]

My mom passed away when I was 19, and although we had a poor relationship, I still miss her very much. I miss the fact that I never got to see her as a grandmother, and that my kids never knew their grandmother. I also just miss her...the parts of her I loved.

[QueenRainbow]

I voted alive and frequent contact. Up until June my husband and I lived next door to my parents but now we live an hour away. We talk on Facebook every single day, have just started using Skype for the times my son wants to actually see Mamaw but we can't drive down to see her and we talk on the phone often.

[LibraryLover]

I was at my Mom's this morning and she fed me potato salad for breakfast. An onion-y way to start the day. ;)

[Renee in NC]

My mom and I live in the same town and I see her once every 2-3 weeks or so. She is *really* busy (owns/runs 2 businesses) and so am I. When she has time off she tends to want to spend it alone, so we get to see her only occasionally.

[BikeBookBread]

We live thousands of miles apart, 3 time zones away, and speak about 4 times a week. We also e-mail. I just got off the phone with her, in fact :) I miss her. :(

[Ohdanigirl]

My mother lives within a few minutes from me. We talk on the phone at least twice a week and see each other at least once a week. I am so lucky to have her. The great thing is that she and dh are very close as well. We all have lived together in the past and they loved each other very much. Dh always tells her that when she would like to retire we will get a larger house or one with a mother in-law flat for her. I think it drives his mom crazy, especially when she knows that dh and my BIL (her son) sometimes stop by to visit her on their own to catch up, see if she needs anything fixed around the house, or anything from the store.

 

Danielle

[JennW in SoCal]

Wow. All of you who have such good relationships with your mothers are very, very blessed.

 

My mother was a damaged soul who did her best as a mom, but was manipulative and vindictive. Vindictive as in refusing to speak to one of her kids if we did something she didn't like, such as getting married, or choosing a college major she didn't like. Refusing contact for years. Changed her will several times. Sent us hateful letters about what ungrateful and horrible children we were. Or she pulled the guilt card. "How can you do this to me?" "Oh, I just stay at home, alone. Nobody ever calls me."

 

I took care of her during her final, horrible year of life. Not in my house, but I was the one at the hospital, at the nursing home, making the medical and financial decisions, talking to the doctor, and listening to her complain.

 

The single most terrifying thing in becoming a mother was the thought that my children might one day despise me as much as I did my own mother. I'm not repeating her mistakes, though, through grace, prayer and lots of therapy!!

 

So yes. All 200+ of you who report having such close and loving relationships with your moms, count your blessings!

[Karen in CO]

My mom lives wth us most of the year. I love having her as part of our household. I think a multi-generational household is a great enviroment in which to raise a family.

[6packofun]

My mom is alive and we have frequent contact, but you didn't say whether or not that assumes the relationship is good. Most of the time it's just OK and I wouldn't say she's supportive of much that I do, more aloof until she wants to hand out (usually unreasonable) advice. LOL

[joannqn]

I might here from my mother 1-2 times a year. She doesn't have much to say about anything except her religion and doesn't show much interest in my family.

[Dobela]

I picked the first one. My mom lives 12 miles away but we have little contact. Her current term of endearment for me is "The Spawn Of Satan" so you can imagine how that effects our relationship. She also has decided that she will not recognize my dd3 as her grandchild becuse at some point she decided she only wanted one grandchild. Since my ds10 was the first one, then he is the only one she will recognize. Yes, she has some mental health issues brought on my a mild stroke a few years ago. I see her occasionally when she decides to come to church, once or twice a month she will call. Beyond that, it hurts me too much to be around her.

 

Once upon a time we talked daily and even ran a business together so this is quite painful to me.

[JVA]

I'm so happy for all of you that have good relationships with your mother.

 

Mine doesn't like the way we live, holds grudges and is very negative.

 

For my part, I made a choice a number of years ago that I would no longer tolerate her constant criticism of our choices (family size, faith, homeschooling, conservative views) and diminished contact. Thankfully, we live on opposite sides of the country. She has strengths, is intelligent but was badly damaged by an abusive father, my selfish father and has poor communication skills. Even though we have made herculean efforts to lure her into relationship with our family, her intense introverted personality and dislike of our lifestyle keeps her away. I make sure, through my two sisters, that she has what she needs. She's a retired ESL professor, active in her community and in fairly good health. My two college-aged sons visited her last week (while on vacation). I'll be curious to hear the details of their visit when they return.

It has taught me to work diligently to maintain good communication with our adult children, try to understand their point of view and offer encouragement. They know we're on their 'team' and want them to experience success. I don't always like their choices but will NEVER reject them.

[Chelle in MO]

I don't know that it's hugely interesting:) but sure. I was always very introverted, very reluctant to go into situations without having the backup of someone I knew being with me and fully knowing the rules of a situation so that I wouldn't look stupid;). I met my husband through a group where I went into the first meeting absolutely cold---knew no-one, only had a sketchy idea of what was expected, but was very interested in what they were doing and looking for connections with others when I was in my late twenties. This was very atypical for me. I was also living in a city that, while not far from where I grew up, was not my hometown.

 

Honestly, looking back at my personality and the relationship that I had with my mom and she had with her mother, if she had not passed away, I would probably have still been living in my hometown very close by and not nearly as driven to seek out more connections outside the family. We lived a block away from my maternal grandmother, went to the church where my mother grew up, were at my grandmother's house every single day, etc. There's close and then there's enmeshed in not the optimally healthy way. I'm afraid my mom's relationship with my grandmother tended to the latter and I would likely have gone down that same road. I know I was horribly homesick the entire first year of college and came home every chance I could, but that was also partly because my mother was in ill health.

 

My mother's death and my father's quick remarriage (within 8 months) to someone very different than my mother caused a huge shakeup not only in our family, but also in the way I approached life and prompted a much closer examination of what was important to me. I think I became a much more independent and self-reliant person than I might have been otherwise, and at least a little more likely to take (in the grand scheme of things fairly minor) risks. As she died at the end of my freshman year in college, that change may have happened anyway, but I obviously don't know. Maybe a bit like all those characters in children's books who have to lose the security net of a parent to prompt their journey/adventure/growing up. Hopefully we can support my daughter in that journey without needing such a drastic event!!:)

 

That IS interesting, Karen. Thank you for replying.

[Desert Rat]

I chose that I have a mom who's alive and we're in contact often--but most of that contact for the last few years has been negative. I keep trying though.

[Audrey]

My mom was always, unfailingly there for me. I miss her every day. I still cry sometimes and its been 16 1/2 years since she died. I still deeply resent that she had to die so young and so painfully.

 

Generally, I make it a rule not to read through threads about mothers because mom-bashing (which invariably rears its head) pisses me off to no end, and when I hear stuff like that IRL I tend to go off a blue streak on people.

[DarlaS]

My mom lives about 3 miles away and I don't visit her nearly enough (She's actually on the go a lot for a 74 year old woman!).

 

She is always stopping by though (in her travels!) and we talk on the phone frequently.

 

I just made her a cute bookcase for her living room this weekend for her birthday (which was this Sunday). It's the kind of thing she could use (There are stacks of books everywhere--just like my house!) but would never buy for her self.

 

I'm off to go add some finishing touches, and stain it--now that she's told me what finish she likes.

[praisefor3]

I don't like negative threads either but I found this thread not at all negative or bashing - just some honest feelings, both good and bad. Thank you to so many of you for sharing.

 

My mother died unexpectedly when I was pregnant with my second child thirteen years ago and I miss her very, very much. She was a wonderful mother and grandmother and I have often asked the Lord why He took her home. I don't have the answer but I do know He is faithful so I rest in that peace. Still...it would have been so wonderful to experience a lot more life with her.

 

Last week was her birthday. Wish I could have celebrated it with her.

[Food4Thought]

Not sure what is considered frequent, but I talk to mine about once every couple weeks. We live 1500 miles apart so contact is limited to phone.

 

This is my situation as well. I voted that I am in touch with her on occasion, though she is on Facebook and will sometimes chat me through Gmail. I pick up the phone for longer conversations about once a month. I sometimes wish we had a closer relationship, but this is our current season of life.

[nd293]

My Mom is on a different continent, and has been for the past 6yrs.

 

We e-mail and text regularly, and she reads to dd on Skype most weekends, so we have a quick chat then too (although I prefer e-mail to Skype).

 

We used to see each other about every year, but now that we are in a different country (and have a different financial situation) it is likely to be every 2-3 years.

[StaceyinLA]

on our property so she lives 35 steps from my door. I honestly don't spend a ton of time with her right now, but suspect I will in a few weeks (when I leave my job).

 

My son goes over there every evening and plays various games with her. I'm glad that at 15 he still enjoys time with his 82yo maw maw.

[Guest Cindie2dds]

I am very fortunate my mom lives only about 10 minutes from us. She stops by a couple of mornings a week for coffee while the kids are still asleep, just for "our time." Our girls spend the night with her at least once a month. I am very, very grateful to have her so close. :)

[HRAAB]

I spoke with my mom daily and saw her usually a couple times a week. I would often drop in for a cup of tea if I was out shopping. She passed away in 2001; missing her is just a part of my life now.

[tampamommy]

My mom died suddenly in 1985, 3 weeks before Christmas and 10 weeks before I got pregnant with my first child.

 

My dad died 11 months after mom, while I was in labor with my first child. Fifteen hours into my 38-hour labor, I found out Dad had died.

 

Separate from that knowledge, we both had medical complications and almost didn't make it through labor alive.

 

Mom and Dad were amazing, AMAZING people and we were very close. I think about them each day. I will always miss them.

[*********]

Hey, to the other two people besides myself who voted

 

'I don't know if my mom is alive or not',

 

I just want to say I'm sorry. I know how that feels.

 

:grouphug:

[Jan in SC]

My mom and I drive each other crazy, but in a good way! My parents live in the same neighborhood and we are with them constantly. My mom is always available to us. She will drop anything (execpt Altar guild) to help us. One of my dc could call her (or my dad) with some wild and crazy idea and they would be on their way over to take them!

 

Truthfully, we are with lots of family and friends all.of.the.time!

[mama23]

I frequently talk to my mom. I feel like I need her more to talk to now than I did before. While growing up, it was really rough between us and I would have preferred to never have any contact with her. We moved away and I think that distance helped us. When we moved back, we had a really good relationship. Still have our moments when she is on my nerves about something or doesn't agree with us on something. But otherwise, we are good!

[Smithie]

It's my ILs that I live close to, but I spend at least a month of every year with my mom (vsiting her, or she's visiting me, or we're traveling together). After basic financial security, Grandma time is #2 on the budget priority list. Most people (though not on this board, heh heh) would be shocked to know that this travel ranks even above preschool. We can afford both this year, but if we couldn't, I'd cut the preschool first.

 

My dad's there, too. :)

[laughing lioness]

I voted "Other." My mom passed away 11 1/2 years ago. She had some significant challenges in life so in many ways it's a relief that she is gone, but I still do miss her. I actually just posted about missing her on my blog: http://goldengrasses.blogspot.com/2010/06/one-of-lifes-necessities.html

[Mommyfaithe]

I am in frequent contact (daily) with my mother, but wis I weren't. She is toxic...BUT there is no one else around to take care of her. She needs me, so I do what I have to do and try not to let it interfere too much into my life. She is not good around my kids and I try to keep a good distance for them so they don't have to be exposed to her any more than necessary.

 

Faithe (who really wishes that I had a great relationship with my Mom, but has come to terms with the reality of the situation and is kind of ok with it.)

[G5052]

As far as I know, she is still alive, but she is institutionalized, and I only receive updates when the guardian chooses.

 

:grouphug: to those like me.

[MistyJ]

I am in frequent contact (daily) with my mother, but wis I weren't. She is toxic...BUT there is no one else around to take care of her. She needs me, so I do what I have to do and try not to let it interfere too much into my life. She is not good around my kids and I try to keep a good distance for them so they don't have to be exposed to her any more than necessary.

 

 

This is my situation.

[Hannah]

I voted that my mom is not alive and I miss her dearly because the choice about it not being a big impact on me didn't sound right. Actually my mom died 27 years ago of a sudden heart attack. I was a young adult, was not married nor have children yet. It isn't a big impact on me, but I sure wish she could have known my family. She would have loved them I'm sure.

 

I answered the same as you did for the same reason. My mom died 26 years ago when I was still a teenager. I would have loved for my children to have known her.

 

However, if she had lived, it's entirely possible I might not have my husband.

 

I don't think that I would have met my husband nor have the children I have now either.

 

My mom died during my first year of university. Before her death, I went home every weekend (from Friday afternoon to Monday morning) and spoke to Mom at least once during the week. I discussed and was guided by her in every decision I took.

After she died, I became much more independant (I also had to look after my younger sisters while my father had to be away from home for 2 months at a time for his work) and when my father remarried within the year, I was made to feel very unwelcome at home by my stepmom.

 

After finishing my first degree, I then got a bursary from a company to study in a completely different direction. I had to work for the company for 2 years to pay back the 4 years of study they payed for (so in that way I don't think its exactly the same as a scholarship in the US). The company is in a different part of the country from where I grew up and I thought that I'd work the 2 years and then move back to my hometown. Well - I met my husband through work and we've been here ever since.

 

I do believe my life would have taken different turns had my mom still been alive. My sisters feel the same.

[Cindy in FL.]

I voted other. My mom is dead and it has impacted me deeply... because it means our relationship will never get better than it was.

 

Cindy

[Night Elf]

Occasional contact. In fact, she showed up out of the blue yesterday and the first words out of my mouth were, 'Mom, I am glad to see you but I really wish you had phoned first.' It startled her because I was so blunt but she knew better than to just show up. I was in the middle of school stuff. I was rather ticked off.

[Vanna]

I don't like negative threads either but I found this thread not at all negative or bashing - just some honest feelings, both good and bad. Thank you to so many of you for sharing.

 

My mother died unexpectedly when I was pregnant with my second child thirteen years ago and I miss her very, very much. She was a wonderful mother and grandmother and I have often asked the Lord why He took her home. I don't have the answer but I do know He is faithful so I rest in that peace. Still...it would have been so wonderful to experience a lot more life with her.

 

Last week was her birthday. Wish I could have celebrated it with her.

:grouphug: Your post was very touching.

[sheryl]

Sniff...

 

My dear, sweet Mom is deceased. She passed away...it will be 21 years ago this November 4 that she went to her Heavenly Father.

 

She was in the hospital for about 6 months prior to that. My dh and I were living in Michigan at the time. Often I would drive to Cols, Oh and spend days with her. There was a well worn path b/t those 2 cities. My dh and I were visiting her during our anniversary. We spent several days visiting...either at my parents house or in the hospital itself. Well, the week before she passed away...it was Oct. 25, 1988 and my dh and I spent our 8th anniversary sleeping in the family waiting room in the hospital. Other times I'd sleep on the sofa in her room. I believed she was going to get better...as I look back I'm so grateful we spent time there with her b/c little did I know she would only have about a week left. :sad:

 

She was not perfect, who is. But, she was a very good wife and mother. When I became an adult she became my best female friend! We had an amazing relationship and I miss her terribly ~ so much it hurts and I feel like I'm going to burst.

 

She never met my dd....they will meet one day.

 

My Mom enjoyed people and they enjoyed her. She was much loved!!

[Denisemomof4]

My mom was always, unfailingly there for me. I miss her every day. I still cry sometimes and its been 16 1/2 years since she died. I still deeply resent that she had to die so young and so painfully.

 

 

 

this makes me very sad. My mom has only been dead a year and seeing her suffer still haunts me terribly. I hope I won't carry this 16 years from now, and I hope I don't (still) blame myself because we put her on Hospice. Sometimes I think my mother thinks I just wanted her gone. I just wanted her not to be used as a human pin cushion anymore.

:crying:

 

I'm voting that she's gone and I miss her terribly. But, she was never there for me. I worked hard to have a relationship with her. I'm so thankful we enjoyed 11 great years before she died. We became closer than I ever thought we could during that time. I loved her and my father both and really miss them.

[kalanamak]

The other day I found an entire German cookbook my mother had translated for me.

 

I think of her at her antique walnut table, with the chairseats she needlepointed, the old wind-up wooden clocks ticking in the background and bonging the hours, her cat moving to get into the sun as it passed through the room, her reading glasses on her nose-tip, my ancient father snoring softly on the fainting couch, the silence, and the antiques, and the oriental rugs, and her neat hand filling the page. She would have her dictionary out.

 

She would do this day after day until the book was done. She would rise at 5:30 and have supper on the table as 6 was striking, and after the dishwasher was humming, and Daddy was dressed and put into bed, she'd call in the cat and look at the day's work, thinking, thinking, and then lock the doors and go to bed with a book, and start it all again in the morning after weeding and watering and getting Daddy dressed and fed breakfast.

 

It is as if she will do it daily until I lapse from my senses, so consistent she was in all the things she did.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

:grouphug: to all who have had difficult relationships with their mothers. I've no desire to do any "mom bashing" but it is very tough to feel the emptiness that comes from knowing that you never had the mothering you would have liked and there is no hope of having it now or in the future. I had that proven to me when my mother lived with us recently for 18 mos. Our relationship drained the sap out of me (nothing changed), and my children were never able to bond with her- and one of them in particular had high hopes and made many efforts. My mother has lived elsewhere for over a year now, and I have no desire for further contact. Sometimes I think that makes me a bad daughter, or a bad person. I know that during my childhood she struggled with a lot and did the best she knew how. I have forgiven her for those years. But when I remember how really painful our relationship has been for me even in my adult years, I know I am making the best choice. I just can't do it anymore.