S/o Bill's comment: Are you your spouse's keeper?

[jld]

Do you "watch out" for your spouse, whether in matters of food, dress, finances, driving, or other areas? Do you feel it is part of your marital role? Or would that be considered disrespectful in your marriage?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I watch out for him in the sense of offering good advice if he asks for it, volunteering good advice sometimes but only once, letting him know that I'm available if he needs me for something, and making good choices in household management. He watches out for me in the same way - though his good choices are usually related to work or cars because of the way we've divvied up our household responsibilities. If either of us nagged, the other one would shut down in defiance. We're both extremely stubborn.

[Rosie_0801]

Do you "watch out" for your spouse, whether in matters of food, dress, finances, driving, or other areas?

 

Yes I do. He seems to think he does for me, but I'm thinking we have different definitions...

 

Do you feel it is part of your marital role? Or would that be considered disrespectful in your marriage?

 

Yes to the former, and yeah a bit to the latter. However, we both know "for our own good" isn't always pleasant.

 

Rosie

[Melissa in Australia]

my husband watches out for me. I don't watch out for him. .... much!

I sometimes find being watched out for frustrating. especially his very helpful advice of how to drive the car:auto:

[KidsHappen]

Yes, I watch out for him and share my concerns with him but I am not his mother. He is an adult of able body and mind and is capable of making his own decisions. For my part, I could probably do with a little more looking after but my hubby does not consider it his place. I have special needs but also strong opinions. He seems to be more concerned with the opinions than the needs. I think I manage to seem as if I am functioning at a higher semblance of normalcy than I really am.

[Rosie_0801]

Yes, I watch out for him and share my concerns with him but I am not his mother.

 

Mmm. It's a fine line and we stumble on both sides. We seem to be getting better with practice though :)

 

For my part, I could probably do with a little more looking after but my hubby does not consider it his place.

 

Me too! My hubby seems to think I'm too sensible to need looking after. That's a double edged sword of a reputation...

 

Rosie

[IsabelC]

I agree, Rosie, it's a fine line. Sometimes I find I have crossed the line, with my looking out for him becoming mothering and my respectful suggestions becoming nagging. But usually he lets me know when it's starting to happen and I can take the hint!

[Rosie_0801]

I agree, Rosie, it's a fine line. Sometimes I find I have crossed the line, with my looking out for him becoming mothering and my respectful suggestions becoming nagging. But usually he lets me know when it's starting to happen and I can take the hint!

 

Mm. Or he crosses the line and drags me with him. That happens frequently around here. I don't know why, when neither of us like it over there. I guess it's habit. He had a bossy mum and is now hanging out with a woman who is a touch prone to it herself...

 

Oh well. Life's supposed to be an interesting journey :)

 

Rosie

[Laura Corin]

I offer good advice, but I expect to negotiate and 'lose' part of the time.

 

I am fierce about the children's safety, however - I vetoed DH's first choice of car for this reason: it didn't meet the highest European safety checks.

 

Laura

[Cera]

Not really. If he was doing something potentially harmful to myself or the children, or our way of life I would call him on it. In this I would include things that would cause us direct harm, things that would drastically alter our lifestyle and things that have his removal from the kid lives as a fairly likely outcome.

 

I am not his keeper so when it comes to clothes, food and such he is on his own unless he expressly asks for my opinion.

[Catherine]

Only in the most loving, doting, kind way. He's still his own person-wouldn't have it any other way.

[elfgivas]

i've read all the responses, and i'm still not sure what we're talking about... lol...

 

if we are talking about "he's about to drive through a red light; do i say something?".... the answer is yes.

 

if we are talking about "is he about to drive by the exit on the highway and there is another one in a couple of miles; do i say something?".... the answer is "it depends on whether it will make us late".

 

i'm wondering if it has a lot to do with what our dhs would respond well to?

 

i try to lead by example a lot.

 

fwiw,

ann

Edited February 11, 2010 by elfgivas@yahoo.com
editting for grammar

[MSNative]

I just read something that sort of dovetails. I am trying to do more of the encouraging/supporting and less of the criticizing. Fwiw, I'm trying to do more of this type of supporting or "keeping" however you want to describe it with my kids, too.

 

"In fact, the longer couples are together, the easier it becomes to not only see each other's flaws, but to mercilessly criticize them. This eventually leads to low tolerances, short tempers, minimal patience, and a woeful lack of marital bliss. As a result, those gifts of unconditional love, respect and admiration that were once offered so freely become gifts that we are not so willing to offer at all...

 

As I recalled some of the critical comments that had rolled off my tongue so easily, I became overwhelmed with regret and disappointment. I had fallen into a bad habit of tearing down my man with my words, not fully realizing the toll it was taking on him. Most importantly, I began to realize the powerful influence I have on my husband and marriage by simply choosing words that encourage, instead of discourage...

 

As women, we have the power to build up or tear down our husbands every day, merely by the respect we give and the amount of faith we let him know we have in him."

[Renee in NC]

I am not his keeper EXCEPT when it comes to finances, but he has put me in that position himself because money discussions make him break out in hives.:lol: I try really hard NOT to mother him. I fail miserably sometimes, but I would *hate* for him to try and "parent" me. That doesn't mean I will never say anything to him, but it does mean that I don't state the obvious and I try not to be controlling.

 

From the original thread - he is educated in good health practices and my trying to "convince him" to lay off the meat would be nothing but condescending and an insult to his intelligence.

 

I am so opinionated, though, that if he states a preference for something, I always try to go that way. If he wants lasagna for dinner, for example, I'll try my best to get it done, even if we just had spaghetti last night, KWIM?

[Pamela H in Texas]

I give opinions, but I don't dictate his choices. He's a grown man!

 

Now, I do listen to him though. He doesn't have MUCH opinion on most things, trusting me just fine. But there have been a few times he's asked me not to go to the (Christian) meeting or out on the roads due to weather. We also have a "deal" regarding certain mental and physical health concerns as we've had problems in the past (I didn't go to the hospital til the next day when I had a stroke, for example).

 

But on a day to day, month to month basis, we really don't have much of an issue. We have our dance and it doesn't include much "keeping," as it were.

Edited February 11, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[Ibbygirl]

I just read something that sort of dovetails. I am trying to do more of the encouraging/supporting and less of the criticizing. Fwiw, I'm trying to do more of this type of supporting or "keeping" however you want to describe it with my kids, too.

 

"In fact, the longer couples are together, the easier it becomes to not only see each other's flaws, but to mercilessly criticize them. This eventually leads to low tolerances, short tempers, minimal patience, and a woeful lack of marital bliss. As a result, those gifts of unconditional love, respect and admiration that were once offered so freely become gifts that we are not so willing to offer at all...

 

As I recalled some of the critical comments that had rolled off my tongue so easily, I became overwhelmed with regret and disappointment. I had fallen into a bad habit of tearing down my man with my words, not fully realizing the toll it was taking on him. Most importantly, I began to realize the powerful influence I have on my husband and marriage by simply choosing words that encourage, instead of discourage...

 

As women, we have the power to build up or tear down our husbands every day, merely by the respect we give and the amount of faith we let him know we have in him."

 

Beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing that. :)

[Jane in NC]

Do you "watch out" for your spouse, whether in matters of food, dress, finances, driving, or other areas?

 

Yes.

 

I manage the family finances for the good of my husband, my child and me.

 

As the primary cook and grocery shopper, I serve as the gatekeeper for what enters everyone's bodies.

 

The question truly puzzles me since it seems that family members naturally do this. "Watching out" does not mean nagging. An example: there are times during the year when my husband clocks 60-70 hours at work weekly. It is a highly stressful time for him which I try to make easier by running errands for him, having extra meals in the freezer, planning an outdoor activity when he has a day off. I don't view this as micro-management of his life. I add support.

 

Perhaps some families are less cohesive? Is asking "why?" threatening to some spouses? There is something that I must be missing..

 

Jane

[michelle l]

I watch out for my spouse in some areas of weakness/struggle. I think that is part of being a good, loving friend, so is even more a part of being a spouse. This doesn't mean I act as his keeper. It just means there are a few things that are important enough to address. I think he does the same for me. This is different, however, from talking to him about things that bug me. Those things I'm more assertive about! ;)

[MelanieM]

No, we don't "watch out" for each other in this way. I cannot imagine us advising each other on eating, spending, viewing, dressing, etc. habits, and I suspect if one of us tried to start something like that the other would bust up laughing and it would become a big joke! We do have areas where one or the other of us is considered more the expert on the matter, and so we defer to that person, knowing that they are making choices based on the good of the family. But that's more about teamwork and division of responsibilities than being the other person's keeper.

 

I grew up in a home where I felt I was the keeper of my mother. It wasn't fun, and I never again want to parent someone who is not my child. In fact, this is a big reason why I married the man I did -- he's extremely independant, and I like it that way.

Edited February 11, 2010 by MelanieM

[creekland]

This is indeed a hard one to answer as I could answer it different ways based on different thoughts that come to mind.

 

In short, we work as a family unit. We each have our areas of expertise where neither micromanages the other - we trust what they are doing. Mine are the kitchen, cleaning, and finances. His are the upkeep for the house and vehicles, taxes, and providing our main income. He will assist me with cooking and cleaning at times - seldom with finances. I will assist him with upkeep at times - seldom with taxes. I choose things I know the whole family will enjoy for our meals. He will keep the house/vehicles up in ways that all of us prefer. I have a part time job where he occasionally acts as my secretary. He works his full time job where I occasionally act as his secretary. Beyond that, neither of us gets involved with each others work - we just listen to each other relate their day.

 

When we go out, we look at what each other is wearing. If there's anything major (stain, tear), we'll mention it, but otherwise, we hardly pay attention. When we shop together - not common, but happens - we each have a say in what is bought whether it's food, clothing or anything else.

 

We have always raised our kids together based on both of our pasts and knowing the general area we are in (when in Rome...). They get experiences both of us - or either of us - has enjoyed.

 

When we eat out our choices reflect price and what we can afford - we don't get on each other about the content of what each of us chooses.

 

Am I his keeper - or he mine? It depends on how you look at it I suppose. I see it as us working together for what we've decided is the good (or needs) of the family. I know our relationship is as close now as it was 21+ years ago when we married and I wouldn't trade it for anything else. :)

[GWOB]

I refuse to allow my husband to leave the house with a black belt and brown shoes. That is just wrong. WRONG!!!

 

I maybe kinda sorta get a little obnoxious about his driving sometimes.:blush:

 

Other than that we are pretty supportive of one another. We aim to build up rather than tear down, except for the aforementioned incidents. This does not always work, but at least we try.

[TravelingChris]

Well since this is a spin-off from the thread about whether it is okay to drastically change your spouse's diet without their assent, I would say that that level of control I could not do not would my husband do.

 

He works long hours, travels a lot, and has ceded to me control over many things- the money, health decisions, educational decisions, car repair decisions, etc. But even if I could make giant changes to his life supposedly for the better (like better health or better wealth), I would not think it is my role. Nor would I think that him deciding to throw out a lot of my books and papers to make our house better is his role. He trusts me to take care of the money because I have shown for 25 years that I don't do crazy things with it. If I read a book about how to make money quickly and started applying extra money to it even though I knew he would be against it if he knew, I think that is a violation of the marital trust. In the same way, I think it is disrespectful to do other major changes to someone's life like unilaterally changing the diet, getting rid of entertainment (tv or the like), getting a pet, or deciding to change his wardrobe. That is a level of control that I find excessive. He doesn't do those things to me and I don't do them to him.

[michelle l]

Hm, I should backtrack and say the areas where I watch out for him are not necessarily the areas mentioned in the OP.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

We take care of each other.

 

Dh works hard to provide us with finances to be able to eat and live. I make sure I honor his hard work by being responsible when I spend money. We both keep track of our finances and what we can afford without micromanaging each other. There is a great deal of trust in this area because we are both very careful and will discuss unusual purchases with the other.

 

I take care of dh's clothing needs because I'm the one that does most of the shopping and he is totally ok with that. He gets his own shoes and things that I don't think of.

 

I take care of the food we eat too. I will ask dh if there is anything he would like. Other than that he eats what I buy and cook with no complaints. He likes that I am frugal and try to keep us all healthy.

 

We don't interfere with each other's driving unless it seems that one did not see a potentially harmful situation. Then we thank each other for bringing that to our attention.

 

Dh and I are usually in accord about most things. We tend to think alike and we are both polite and respectful to each other. No bossing or parenting in our relationship. I'm lucky. :-)

[kalanamak]

Yes. Hubby is hard of hearing and reads on a third grade level, and grew up in a dysfunctional and disadvantaged family. He is also far more emotional than I.

 

I hear and smell things going wrong in the house that he misses, and he has learned, the hard way, that ignoring my concerns that I heard a dripping, etc, is wrong. I also have strong radar for the mentally ill, who tend to lean on his kind heart and ignore normal limits. Plus, if I didn't put limits he'd packrat our house into a pigsty. It sounds awful, but he has trade-off qualities. BTW, my family is in on this, and if anything should happen to me, he will move to live near my brother who can read important documents to him and offer sound, impartial advise. Hubby is well aware of his limitations, even if he does chafe against them at times.:) Don't we all?

[Heidi7Sue]

Do you "watch out" for your spouse, whether in matters of food, dress, finances, driving, or other areas? Do you feel it is part of your marital role? Or would that be considered disrespectful in your marriage?

 

I feel it is part of my role to "watch out" for him when he wants me to. He asks me about his clothes often enough that it seems reasonable to volunteer advice if needed. He doesn't need to watch out for any hidden problems in food (like I do), but if he did, I would warn him when they came up. He does the financial watching out.

 

I loathe the habits of nagging and bossiness, so I don't do it. Ever.

[Peek a Boo]

scripturally, yes.

 

Am I my brother's keeper?

 

before we are spouses, we are Children of God and subject to Christian accountability, even from --especially from-- our spouses.

 

and as Rosie mentioned, sometimes that isn't pleasant.

 

It is critical to note that each person responds differently to various tactics and tones, and we are responsible for finding out which ways work best w/ the unique people around us.

[BigMamaBird]

Do you "watch out" for your spouse, whether in matters of food, dress, finances, driving, or other areas? Do you feel it is part of your marital role? Or would that be considered disrespectful in your marriage?

 

I expect "constructive support" from my dh. Meaning that if I'm doing something wrong or it could be done better, I hope that he'd gently and with love, comment. Not to change me or hurt my feelings, but to make my life easier or better. For instance, his work has been hosting a series of health speakers, if they attend they get a discount on their health insurance. Dh has gone to a few and comes home, all excited about these healthy changes we could make in our family and why they would be good for us. 90% of the time we're on the same page and I agree and we make the change for our family. But when we disagree, he doesn't berate me and lecture me, he knows I'm a big girl.

 

At the same time, he has absolutely NO fashion sense! He graciously accepts the suggestions and hints I give him so he has a more put together look. I say it with love and don't treat him like a child. Most of the time he just leaves the clothes buying up to me. But the point is, I love him and want a husband, I have no desire to have a 6' 2" child so I don't treat him like one.

 

I guess it all boils down to relationship and respect.

[ciyates]

Do you "watch out" for your spouse, whether in matters of food, dress, finances, driving, or other areas? Do you feel it is part of your marital role? Or would that be considered disrespectful in your marriage?

 

My husband could care less what he wore, so when we go somewhere that clothes matter I pick them out (he always ask me to). I do the cooking so i make sure to add cook for his needs (high cholesterol). I manage the money because that is my training and frankly I am really good at it. If he WANTS something he ask "Do we have the money?", however if he NEEDS something he tells me and I find the money. He is a truck driver so yes I do tell him to be careful each night when he leaves the house, however he is a much better driver than me and I would never say slow down or don't follow so close. I am his helpmate and it is my job to help him. I don't feel like his mother, I feel like I am supporting him. I feel he watches out for me in his way. I would never consider the fact the tires may be bad unless they were flat. I would never look and say oh we are going to need a roof this year. I feel we both watch out for each other in our way. :D

[Renee in NC]

Yes.

 

I manage the family finances for the good of my husband, my child and me.

 

As the primary cook and grocery shopper, I serve as the gatekeeper for what enters everyone's bodies.

 

The question truly puzzles me since it seems that family members naturally do this. "Watching out" does not mean nagging. An example: there are times during the year when my husband clocks 60-70 hours at work weekly. It is a highly stressful time for him which I try to make easier by running errands for him, having extra meals in the freezer, planning an outdoor activity when he has a day off. I don't view this as micro-management of his life. I add support.

 

Perhaps some families are less cohesive? Is asking "why?" threatening to some spouses? There is something that I must be missing..

 

Jane

 

I do all those things and in general we have no issues with this. However, if my dh asks me to buy him chips, then I do. I cook and do the grocery shopping, but I make things he likes. Why would I do otherwise? If I started including meatless meals too often, he would wonder what was going on and not be really happy about it.

 

I do all the errand running. I do all the financial stuff. I even get up at 5am to make his lunch for him. However, I make what he wants for lunch, not what I think is better. I stick to our agreement regarding finances.

 

I don't pick out his clothes for the most part, but I may pick up jeans or t-shirts that he asks me too. I don't dictate what he does - he doesn't go to church and I don't nag him about it (even though that *does* cause problems at times!) I don't make "honey do" lists, though I may ask for some help doing some things (and he usually will.)

 

He does *not* like for people to tell him what to do. He had a micromanaging, controlling mother who never let him make a decision for himself. What he wants from me is for me to take care of him and the dc without telling him what to do, how to eat, what to wear, etc.

[HRAAB]

Do you "watch out" for your spouse, whether in matters of food, dress, finances, driving, or other areas? Do you feel it is part of your marital role? Or would that be considered disrespectful in your marriage?

 

Well, depends. Of course, I watch out for him. I love him. And he does the same for me. I watch his diet (high cholesterol), buy healthy food - I want him around for a long, long time.

 

However, I do not mother him. He's 51 yrs. old; he doesn't need a mother right now, he needs a partner. I don't tell him how to dress, how to drive (if he was trying to kill us, you can bet I would be saying something). I don't tell what he can watch on TV, what he can read, what music he can listen to, what he should believe, how to vote. That I would consider extremely disrespectful. Frankly, if I did those things, it's highly unlikely this marriage would have lasted almost 25 yrs.

 

In return, he gives me the same respect. Plus, he reminds me to take my Prilosec and vitamins. :001_smile:

[angela in ohio]

I watch out for him in the sense of offering good advice if he asks for it, volunteering good advice sometimes but only once, letting him know that I'm available if he needs me for something, and making good choices in household management.

 

:iagree:

[MBM]

I am his keeper in the sense that he would probably starve without me. Dh can barely boil water. Recently, I've been teaching him how to make burgers. No one is allowed in the kitchen while he cooks. It is difficult enough for him to 1) fry the burger, 2) add a slice of cheese, and 3) toast the buns all at the same time! :D Baby steps, just baby steps at this point.

 

Otherwise, dh is fine on his own. He even prefers to wash his own dress shirts and clean the bathroom. That's a-okay with me!

[Spy Car]

Well, depends. Of course, I watch out for him. I love him. And he does the same for me. I watch his diet (high cholesterol), buy healthy food - I want him around for a long, long time.

 

However, I do not mother him. He's 51 yrs. old; he doesn't need a mother right now, he needs a partner. I don't tell him how to dress, how to drive (if he was trying to kill us, you can bet I would be saying something). I don't tell what he can watch on TV, what he can read, what music he can listen to, what he should believe, how to vote. That I would consider extremely disrespectful. Frankly, if I did those things, it's highly unlikely this marriage would have lasted almost 25 yrs.

 

In return, he gives me the same respect. Plus, he reminds me to take my Prilosec and vitamins. :001_smile:

 

:iagree:

 

Should any comment of mine be misconstrued that I think we should try to control what our spouses wear, determine what they watch or read, what they think or how the vote, nothing could be further from the truth.

 

Actually, that's not totally true. Because even on these points there are issues that could seriously detract from a partner's well-being. When I met my wife (a beautiful young 24 year-old) loved wearing cowboy boots. But she had congenital hip dysplasia that required multiple surgeries when she was a little girl, and I could see the toll that boot wearing had on her back and hip at the end of the day.

 

We were not married then, but I was in love and knew she was the woman I wanted to spend my life with. What to do?

 

Say nothing? Watch while she hurt herself, because she was a big girl?

 

I could not do that.

 

Nor did I want to be a "nag".

 

So I started taking her out for "shoe-shopping" trips, and soon she had shelves full of Eccos and Rockports and other comfortable and supportive shoes, and her life improved for the change in foot-wear.

 

She still needed a new hip at 35, but the decade before that was (I'm convinced) much freer of pain than if I'd known in my heart that something needed to me done, but not acted.

 

So, yes. Where life and health is involved I do think we should act in loving and compassionate ways to protect our husbands and wives. I see that as part of my duty in this life.

 

Bill

Edited February 11, 2010 by Spy Car

[DarlaS]

Do you "watch out" for your spouse, whether in matters of food, dress, finances, driving, or other areas?

 

Sort of. I do all the cooking. He's not a picky eater but seldom tries anything new the first time it's on the table. That can be a little frustrating as I end up feeling like I have 5 kids. :glare: He does seem to respect my thoughts on nutrition and diet and asks questions.

 

If I happen to notice a light turns red, or a deer is heading for the road, and he seems distracted--I'll say something. After all, it's not just him in the car. We very seldom ride together though and he drives a lot more than I do (long commutes to work, college etc).

 

Do you feel it is part of your marital role? Or would that be considered disrespectful in your marriage?

 

Respect is a two way street. A lot of it is in the presentation as well. If I'm riding with him and his thoughts seem to be elsewhere, I might point out to him that the speedometer is creeping up or some jerk looks to be backing out of a driveway or merging without looking etc. :D. I very seldom need to though.

 

I am not his mother, and I don't act like it. I would consider it disrespectful not to do the best I can in matters of our family's diet etc. when he spends so many hours pursuing his career and education (also for the betterment of our lives). I watch out for him and he watches out for me too.

[TammyinTN]

Do you "watch out" for your spouse, whether in matters of food, dress, finances, driving, or other areas? Do you feel it is part of your marital role? Or would that be considered disrespectful in your marriage?

 

Were a team and we watch out for each other. I pick up things I know he would like to wear. I prepare food thats healthy for all of us. He's deployed so I manage all the money and take care of everything in that aspect. I have a ledger that I keep and I email him a copy each payday so he knows where everything is going. Weve been together for so long is just second nature now. I don't think its disrespectful at all.

[swimmermom3]

Yes.

 

I manage the family finances for the good of my husband, my child and me.

 

As the primary cook and grocery shopper, I serve as the gatekeeper for what enters everyone's bodies.

 

The question truly puzzles me since it seems that family members naturally do this. "Watching out" does not mean nagging. An example: there are times during the year when my husband clocks 60-70 hours at work weekly. It is a highly stressful time for him which I try to make easier by running errands for him, having extra meals in the freezer, planning an outdoor activity when he has a day off. I don't view this as micro-management of his life. I add support.

 

Perhaps some families are less cohesive? Is asking "why?" threatening to some spouses? There is something that I must be missing..

 

Jane

 

Lovely, Jane. It's all about the "support". It's about a hot meal at the end of a long day, an arm load of firewood brought in through pouring down rain so there will be a fire in the fireplace for school the next day, and an end-of-the-day call, every day while traveling to check in with the family. It's going out early in the morning for the run/walk even when one of you doesn't want to go. "Watching over" here means doing the small things that ease stress or add joy or just let the other person know that they are thought of.

 

For me, there is a positive connotation. When my FIL was alive, he would always call me to check on me while my husband was traveling. I still miss hearing Dad's voice on the other end. A true Southern gentleman. Like father, like son.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Since the post that prompted this thread was on diet, I will respond specifically to that. My dh is a diabetic. I do try to make diabetic friendly meals that are tasty but good for him. But- if I notice his stash of cookies and chips in his study downstairs, I do not say anything even though I know that they are not good for him. He is an adult. He isn't stupid and he knows as well as I do, that those things aren't good for him. So - I do look out for him by buying and cooking healthy food (with a low glycemic index). But that's as far as it goes. It's sort of a "if you lead a horse to water" sort of thing. He has to want the good and the healthy for himself. I can't do that for him.

 

(This can be reversed to apply to me too. He can recommend certain exercises, therapies, special diets etc. to me that might help me with my chronic illness but I've got to be totally on board with any of those things if they are going to work for me. I would hate it if I felt like I had no control over my own choices.)

[Impish]

Do you "watch out" for your spouse, whether in matters of food, dress, finances, driving, or other areas? Do you feel it is part of your marital role? Or would that be considered disrespectful in your marriage?

I absolutely do. Its part of what our marriage is, and what makes it work.

Yes.

 

I manage the family finances for the good of my husband, my child and me.

 

As the primary cook and grocery shopper, I serve as the gatekeeper for what enters everyone's bodies.

 

The question truly puzzles me since it seems that family members naturally do this. "Watching out" does not mean nagging. An example: there are times during the year when my husband clocks 60-70 hours at work weekly. It is a highly stressful time for him which I try to make easier by running errands for him, having extra meals in the freezer, planning an outdoor activity when he has a day off. I don't view this as micro-management of his life. I add support.

 

Perhaps some families are less cohesive? Is asking "why?" threatening to some spouses? There is something that I must be missing..

 

Jane

:iagree:

Well since this is a spin-off from the thread about whether it is okay to drastically change your spouse's diet without their assent, I would say that that level of control I could not do not would my husband do.

 

He works long hours, travels a lot, and has ceded to me control over many things- the money, health decisions, educational decisions, car repair decisions, etc. But even if I could make giant changes to his life supposedly for the better (like better health or better wealth), I would not think it is my role. Nor would I think that him deciding to throw out a lot of my books and papers to make our house better is his role. He trusts me to take care of the money because I have shown for 25 years that I don't do crazy things with it. If I read a book about how to make money quickly and started applying extra money to it even though I knew he would be against it if he knew, I think that is a violation of the marital trust. In the same way, I think it is disrespectful to do other major changes to someone's life like unilaterally changing the diet, getting rid of entertainment (tv or the like), getting a pet, or deciding to change his wardrobe. That is a level of control that I find excessive. He doesn't do those things to me and I don't do them to him.

:iagree:

scripturally, yes.

 

Am I my brother's keeper?

 

before we are spouses, we are Children of God and subject to Christian accountability, even from --especially from-- our spouses.

 

and as Rosie mentioned, sometimes that isn't pleasant.

 

It is critical to note that each person responds differently to various tactics and tones, and we are responsible for finding out which ways work best w/ the unique people around us.

:iagree:

My dh has FASD. Its a fact of our life together, just as my having RSD. We each have our strengths and weaknesses.

 

I missed what prompted this thread, so perhaps I'm missing something I should be answering specifically.

 

Funny enough, there have been times that I've felt...well...useless. I'm not able to do what I once could. We were talking last night about 'what if' regarding the Iran situation. He told me that I was an integral part of any plans, because he couldn't manage without me. He told me that I balance him, keep him grounded. He admitted that he's thought of what he'd do if something happened to me (we've had some scary moments in the last year...inability to swallow water for over 18 hrs after the first ganglion block, he watched me turn purple after trying a small sip of water, and was dialing 911 when I managed to clear my airway, migraine that presented as an arachnoid aneurysm...the list goes on) and he couldn't picture how he'd manage.

 

I buy his clothes for the most part. I do the cooking. I educate and raise our children so he can work. I know that's not what he was referring to though. Its the team we've created, he and I. Where he's strong, I'm weak, and he bolsters me. The same works the other way 'round. I can predict consequences way down the road, and have several different plans in place. He can't.

 

We're very lucky, really. Once again, God knows what He's doing. ;)

[Joanne]

No. Not in the context from which this thread spun-off. I do not think it is a healthy dynamic to try to change my husband's mind and habits over *very debateable* diet style issues.

 

My DH has severe psoriosis, psoriatic arthritis and liver issues. There are lifestyle choices that exacerbate these conditions. I am mindful of his choices in this regard. I have mentioned to him that we want him around for a long time and as healthy as possible during that time. Even this is an infrequent statement (though the sentiment is constant! ;))

 

I would personally percieve a person "guiding" my choices as disrespectful, patronizing and invasive. Ultimately, I find it passive/aggressive.

 

We love each other, cooperate, discuss, discourse and decide. We seek each other's opinions. But, no, I am not his keeper if that means micromanaging his daily choices.

[Mrs Mungo]

Do you "watch out" for your spouse, whether in matters of food, dress, finances, driving, or other areas? Do you feel it is part of your marital role? Or would that be considered disrespectful in your marriage?

 

Hm. We watch out for each other. We both have said "I like the other outfit better" or "your tag is sticking out." We both have said "I know you really want X but it's just not a priority right now." We both motivate each other and say "come on, let's get up and work out together!" I don't feel it's disrespectful because it's a two-way street, it's a partnership, not a parent-child type of relationship.

[LibraryLover]

We definitely take care of each other, and both have given input on clothing. behaviors (maybe you're working too much, maybe you're worrying too much about something and you need to cut yourself some slack), etc. I don't dress him, nor he me, but he does need help matching his clothing occasionally and I will let him know when something really does not work. I also kno:)w that he prefers certain outfits on me over others. :) That's just couple stuff. We've been together a looooong time, and we trsut each other.

 

We've talked a lot about food, how we want to grow our food, where we want to purchase our food, how we want to feed our children and set a good example of caring for our bodies. etc. So yes, if my dh were wanting only to eat one kind of food day in and day out, I would absolutely want to talk with him about the possibility his body may not be getting all of the nutrients it needs to thrive, especially if any health issues are involved.

 

I think it's only natural for couples who care about each to watch over each other in a loving way. So, yes, sure, too much alcohol or too much work or not enough time together or with the kids, or contant injestion of poorly- raised, hormone- laden factory farmed meat-- it would all deserve some honest chit-chat. No question.

 

We're not each other's keepers, no, but we are a couple who wishes to grow together emotionally, and care for each other, always.

Edited February 11, 2010 by LibraryLover

[GailV]

No. Not in the context from which this thread spun-off. I do not think it is a healthy dynamic to try to change my husband's mind and habits over *very debateable* diet style issues.

 

My DH has severe psoriosis, psoriatic arthritis and liver issues. There are lifestyle choices that exacerbate these conditions. I am mindful of his choices in this regard. I have mentioned to him that we want him around for a long time and as healthy as possible during that time. Even this is an infrequent statement (though the sentiment is constant! ;))

 

I would personally percieve a person "guiding" my choices as disrespectful, patronizing and invasive. Ultimately, I find it passive/aggressive.

 

We love each other, cooperate, discuss, discourse and decide. We seek each other's opinions. But, no, I am not his keeper if that means micromanaging his daily choices.

 

:iagree:

 

My dh has MS. He controls it through diet, exercise and supplements. i happen to disagree with some of his choices regarding diet -- I think the studies he's using as guides weren't well done, didn't actually show the conclusion that the researcher seemed to think they showed, etc. However, I'm not the one facing the disease moment-by-moment, limping from place to place, wondering what the future holds (well, I wonder what the future holds, but in a different sense).

 

So I occasionally point out new research I've read on diet (which tends to be solidly in the saturated fat equals good/PUFA equals bad camp -- sorry, folks). We occasionally kick around ideas about nutrition and how various studies were run. But I don't bring it up to him often, nor do I lament to others that he's making poor choices and ask how can I get him to change.

 

In the meantime, I fix the food he wants, what he can seem to tolerate -- any more he can't tolerate tannins, so add that to the list of no gluten, little dairy, no beef,, etc. etc. I love to cook and try new things, but I'm limited to about 5 meals that "work" for our family. C'est la vie.

[lionfamily1999]

No. Not in the context from which this thread spun-off. I do not think it is a healthy dynamic to try to change my husband's mind and habits over *very debateable* diet style issues.

 

My DH has severe psoriosis, psoriatic arthritis and liver issues. There are lifestyle choices that exacerbate these conditions. I am mindful of his choices in this regard. I have mentioned to him that we want him around for a long time and as healthy as possible during that time. Even this is an infrequent statement (though the sentiment is constant! ;))

 

I would personally percieve a person "guiding" my choices as disrespectful, patronizing and invasive. Ultimately, I find it passive/aggressive.

 

We love each other, cooperate, discuss, discourse and decide. We seek each other's opinions. But, no, I am not his keeper if that means micromanaging his daily choices.

:iagree:

 

There's a difference between parenting, nagging, and discussing. For instance, if I were to choose a diet change, we might discuss it, but I would not beat him over the head with it, or stop buying the foods he prefers. I had gestational diabetes with Luke and could not eat any sugar (no bread, milk, fruit, etc). I'd still get dh his cookies and things. He was kind enough not to offer any to me (or eat it where I could hear, see or smell :lol:) and I was kind enough not to force everyone onto my own diet.

[Rosie_0801]

As women, we have the power to build up or tear down our husbands every day, merely by the respect we give and the amount of faith we let him know we have in him."

 

And men have the power to encourage us to be delightful, or to encourage us to be horrible nags, merely by the respect *they* give.

 

My hubby responds much the same way to me politely requesting as he does me plainly nagging. He pays almost no attention. If I have to yell before he's convinced I really did want him to do whatever I asked, what am I to do? (Rhetorical question.) If a man demonstrates that putting faith in him in some area (you know, like housework ;) ) is misplaced, acting as though you have faith restores marital harmony in the short term, but it doesn't last long because the man hasn't changed his actions to justify your faith.

 

There was a thread along these lines not long ago.

 

Rosie- who doesn't choose her hubby's clothes or even shop for them, but won't let him go to work in dirty shirts or shirts with stretched necks...

[LittleIzumi]

Yup! If I just let him mess up without helping, what kind of wife is that?

 

(did not read the rest of the thread)

 

ETA: If it's about diet, I do most of the shopping & meal planning, so most of the food is my idea, but I also let him have a couple. So it's mostly healthy, but still a few fun meals he wants to do. I'm stricter with the girls, as they have allergies. If dh ever goes in and gets tested (he SO has something going on like allergies) then I'll tighten up. But he thinks it's worth being sick to have certain foods on occasion. He just gets no sympathy from self-induced illness :p

Edited February 11, 2010 by LittleIzumi

[texasmama]

This is indeed a hard one to answer as I could answer it different ways based on different thoughts that come to mind.

 

In short, we work as a family unit. We each have our areas of expertise where neither micromanages the other - we trust what they are doing. Mine are the kitchen, cleaning, and finances. His are the upkeep for the house and vehicles, taxes, and providing our main income. He will assist me with cooking and cleaning at times - seldom with finances. I will assist him with upkeep at times - seldom with taxes. I choose things I know the whole family will enjoy for our meals. He will keep the house/vehicles up in ways that all of us prefer. I have a part time job where he occasionally acts as my secretary. He works his full time job where I occasionally act as his secretary. Beyond that, neither of us gets involved with each others work - we just listen to each other relate their day.

 

When we go out, we look at what each other is wearing. If there's anything major (stain, tear), we'll mention it, but otherwise, we hardly pay attention. When we shop together - not common, but happens - we each have a say in what is bought whether it's food, clothing or anything else.

 

We have always raised our kids together based on both of our pasts and knowing the general area we are in (when in Rome...). They get experiences both of us - or either of us - has enjoyed.

 

When we eat out our choices reflect price and what we can afford - we don't get on each other about the content of what each of us chooses.

 

Am I his keeper - or he mine? It depends on how you look at it I suppose. I see it as us working together for what we've decided is the good (or needs) of the family. I know our relationship is as close now as it was 21+ years ago when we married and I wouldn't trade it for anything else. :)

 

My answer would be similar to this. Dh has had some very bad habits with eating and has ignored some potentially serious health issues so I became a big nagger about those. I didn't like it, but the stakes seemed too high to ignore it. He actually thanked me for helping him to change his eating habits.:001_smile:

[Parrothead]

Yes, I believe we fall into that category. I did not realize it until my MIL told me that he (her son, my dh) is spoiled.

 

I'm trying to change that, but he is fighting every step of the way.

[Peek a Boo]

No. Not in the context from which this thread spun-off. I do not think it is a healthy dynamic to try to change my husband's mind and habits over *very debateable* diet style issues.

-----

 

I would personally percieve a person "guiding" my choices as disrespectful, patronizing and invasive. Ultimately, I find it passive/aggressive.

 

We love each other, cooperate, discuss, discourse and decide. We seek each other's opinions. But, no, I am not his keeper if that means micromanaging his daily choices.

 

I don't think that being someone's "keeper" is necessarily equivalent to micromanaging someone's daily lives, but if i noticed my dh was engaging in Very Clear behaviors that were known dangers to him I would absolutely intervene if he refused all other courses of rational discourse.

 

I would hope that people don't immediately perceive regular, genuine concern as automatically passive aggressive/disrespectful/invasive: esp a person that you know loves you very much---that default perception is not a healthy dynamic either. ;)

 

 

And men have the power to encourage us to be delightful, or to encourage us to be horrible nags, merely by the respect *they* give.

 

ayup. Eph 5 is very clear about the submit *to one another* in this regard. In fact, "love your wife as Christ loved the church" is pretty dang powerful, and puts more on the man in the greater sense: as Christ loved the church --and died for her as that church was denying Him and disrespecting Him......

[Spy Car]

I don't think that being someone's "keeper" is necessarily equivalent to micromanaging someone's daily lives, but if i noticed my dh was engaging in Very Clear behaviors that were known dangers to him I would absolutely intervene if he refused all other courses of rational discourse.

 

I would hope that people don't immediately perceive regular, genuine concern as automatically passive aggressive/disrespectful/invasive: esp a person that you know loves you very much---that default perception is not a healthy dynamic either. ;)

 

 

:iagree:

 

It happens :D

 

Bill