19 y/o niece is engaged?

[MommyRyan]

She and her boyfriend/fiance have been together for three years. They have a very mature relationship, but are not financially secure. My brother and SIL are absolutely livid. What do you think? Should someone that young get married?

[Tangerine]

It's on such an individual basis, it's hard to say. I think there ARE people who are ready to bet married at 19. Probably a bit on the rarer side. But 3 years is a good solid time to get to know someone.

 

As far as not being "financially stable", I think that's sort of a right of passage of new married couples. Provided there is no baby, I wouldn't really worry much about that part.

[K&Rs Mom]

I can think of 19yo's who are ready to get married, and 35yo's who are not. It depends on the individuals involved, not their ages. If they've been together 3 years, they probably know each other pretty well, and are legally adults who can make this decision. Why are the parents so upset? Is it something besides their age? She can be married and still finish college or whatever they're afraid she'll miss.

[patchfire]

Well, I got married at 18, so I don't really see an issue with it. When you say "not financially stable," do you mean that neither is employed nor going to college? Both are in college but neither is working? Something in between? Could there even be financial reasons for getting married now as opposed to waiting until later? While dh and I would have gotten married anyway, we did move it up so he could have in-state tuition.

[mazakaal]

I agree with Patchfire that 'not financially stable' can mean a lot of things. If they're both living at home and neither has a job I would be concerned. If both or at least one is out on his own, renting an apartment, working, and supporting himself, but doesn't have a large savings, I would be fine with it.

 

Yes, it would be nice to go into marriage with a home of one's own and a retirement package, but I don't think it reasonable to require them to wait for that before getting married.

[Quiver0f10]

I got married at 18 and have been married for 22 years, so I don't see age as an issue.

[ConnieB]

I'd probably want to ask neice's parents exactly WHAT they object to? I mean if they have a 3 year relationship it certainly can't be the boy. Is it solely because they aren't financially secure, because zillions of young newlyweds (and a lot of not so young newlyweds) aren't financially secure. My first reaction was these are parents not yet ready to "lose" their baby. I can totally relate to that emotional response.

 

Or, are the couple planning to live with her parents after marriage and perhaps they object to the idea of supporting them both?

 

Since they are adults there is little the parents can do and raising their voice will probably only make matters worse. I'd probably try to encourage parents to sit with the couple and try to help the couple understand the non-romantic/real life part of marriage. I continually remind my starry eyed-already has her wedding planned-daughter that the wedding is not reality....marriage is a lot harder than choosing which flowers to wear in your hair or what color the bridesmaids should wear.

 

Perhaps the parents could help the couple work up a budget...and then ways for them to have the income to match that budget. If they're in college it might be very difficult to work enough hours to make their budget and still have time for school and studying.....let alone time together. That can wreck havoc on a new marriage even with a solid mature relationship behind it. But the couple may not truly understand the time committment to a job and school just to keep going.

 

Or, maybe these young folks have figured out how they're going to do and mom/dad just don't want them to have a rough start....but sometimes if you go into a tough situation with your eyes wide open it can actually be a bonding experience. It's usually the "I didn't know it was going to be like this" that tears apart marriages in the early years.

 

I hope that the parents can find a way to be supportive and encouraging to this young couple....even if they have got it well planned, all young couples can use their parents support and encouragement.

[MommyRyan]

Thank you all for your responses. The couple is "not financially stable" in that they are both still dependents; they are attending college and technically live at home when not at school; both have summer jobs but that is all. I hope that helps to clarify. I'm not sure if the financial situation is the issue for my brother; he keeps repeating that they are too young, not married, etc. Not many people get married before 25 where we're from. I want to give my niece support but don't want to undermine my brother either.

[CAMom]

Haven't read the other replies but I got engaged when I was 19 and not financially secure. We got married 6 weeks after my 20th birthday and just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary two months ago.

 

With that said, though, 19 sure sounds young to me now.;)

[Pink Fairy]

Are they planning to get married after college, or right away?

[jg_puppy]

Well my husband and I met at 18 when we were both freshman in college. We got engaged at 19, and we got married at 20. Yes, it has been hard financially, but we are still happily married 14 years later. Marriage and finances can be hard no matter how old.

 

Jan

[melissel]

Are they planning to get married after college, or right away?

 

This is a good question. If they're planning on getting married now, IMO, kids who are living with their parents and have no real jobs or means of paying for a wedding or supporting themselves are not mature adults making a well-reasoned decision. I also think that people change a loooooot over the years between teenagerhood and young adulthood, and 19 these days is not the same as 19 was 20-25 years ago. I definitely don't think it can't be done, but I know I'd have a hard time being supportive in this situation. I wouldn't be furious, though, at least not openly!

[coralloyd]

All I can say is- I did. I turned 20 the month before we got married. We're coming up on our 10th ann. We have an awesome/amazing relationship :D. I wouldn't change a thing. I think it is better to marry young than have a long engagement. If this is the guy for her, why wait? Hey at least her parent will get to enjoy their grandkids, while they have the energy to ;). They should talk to someone about their finances, get on a budget; then get married imho.

[LibrarianMom]

Could they be planning a long-term engagement? We have a cousin who was engaged at 19 or 20, but she and her fiance made it clear that they were not getting married until they both finished college two years later. They actually were married two years to the day from when he proposed. Asking some thoughtful questions concerning when they plan to get married and how they will pay the bills wouldn't be out of line.

 

Another thing to consider, if they decide to wed before finishing college, is that they may have greater financial aid opportunities as they would no longer be dependents.

[Veritaserum]

It depends. :) I was barely 19 when dh and I got married. I was, however, a sophomore in college and dh had a good job while he was going to school. Over ten years later things are going well. :)

 

Some 19-year-olds are more mature than others. ;)

[ChristusG]

I got married at 19 years old. That being said, DH is three years older than me and already had his college degree and had just gotten a stable job at a good company. I was a year out of high school, had only done a little college, and was working part-time. It would have been rough had DH been the same age as me.

[orangearrow]

Age isn't the basis to judge whether or not someone is "ready" to get married. I was 20, dh was 19 when we got married and already we were more mature than many of our friends are NOW. ;) We weren't "financially secure," but to be honest, I've never really understood that as the criteria for getting married. I mean, you wouldn't want to marry someone who was deep in debt already - but so many couples I see now wait until they are "financially secure" which usually (to them, anyway) means they already own a big house (with a big, fat mortgage), 2 brand new cars (with hefty car payments), plus paying down student loans, etc. :confused:

 

If I had it to do over again, I'd have married dh when I was 19 and he was 18 (when we first met). :D It was the best decision we could have made to get married young. We've sort of grown up together, and I wouldn't change a thing. If we'd waited until we were "financially secure" we would have morphed into very different people, more than likely.

[mazakaal]

Thank you all for your responses. The couple is "not financially stable" in that they are both still dependents; they are attending college and technically live at home when not at school; both have summer jobs but that is all. I hope that helps to clarify. I'm not sure if the financial situation is the issue for my brother; he keeps repeating that they are too young, not married, etc. Not many people get married before 25 where we're from. I want to give my niece support but don't want to undermine my brother either.

 

In this case, I think that the couple needs to have a long, heart-to-heart talk with the parents or some other older people who can explain the costs involved in keeping an apartment and ask how they plan to meet those expenses.

[gingersmom]

Why the rush to get married while they both are still in college and living at home?

 

What difference is a piece of paper going to make if they are already in a committed relationship?

[coralloyd]

I didn't read about their job/living situations. When we got married dh had a good job and provided well for us. We also both lived on our own.

[ConnieB]

Thank you all for your responses. The couple is "not financially stable" in that they are both still dependents; they are attending college and technically live at home when not at school; both have summer jobs but that is all. I hope that helps to clarify. I'm not sure if the financial situation is the issue for my brother; he keeps repeating that they are too young, not married, etc. Not many people get married before 25 where we're from. I want to give my niece support but don't want to undermine my brother either.

 

Perhaps if the parents aren't quite emotionally up to talking to the couple, you as a loving Aunt could? I wouldn't tell them they shouldn't/wouldn't/couldn't, but I would try to explain to them the possible reason that the parents are objecting:

 

1. Show them the costs that they would need to raise in order to live away from home....rent, food, utilities, vehicles, gas, clothing, entertainment, insurance, etc etc. Not to mention college if the parents choose not to continue.

 

2. When they likely respond that they'll get jobs, remind them that a full time job and college will leave them such little time together that if their reason for wanting to marry NOW is to be together it's not likely to happen as they hoped. Yes, there is the "marital bed" part if that's not happened yet, and that's a strong motivator, but quality time together is likely much easier now with little need to do anything except attend classes and study. Two full time jobs might even mean different shifts and then the time together is even less.

 

3. Not finishing college is something they need to think about long and hard.....and even if they feel they'd not do that now....the fact is that lack of time together, or the need for more work hours, later may make it a necessity. Finishing college "later" is a lot harder than it sounds.....life has a way of getting in the way and it's not like there will be more hours in a day sometime in the future to make working and college easier. Throw a kid or two in that mix and it's really a rare person that does return to college. Not all careers need college of course, but chances are good that they are studying for something where a college education is either required or at least will make the job hunt easier. Are they willing to risk the chance of never finishing and therefore perhaps never having the earning potential (not to mention doing the career they wanted) to marry a year or two earlier?

 

4. Children....they have a way of showing up whether you're ready or not. And if full time jobs and college don't derail your goals, children can. Now add child care to the budget, and typically that means that the new mom's chances of finishing college are severely limited. And yes, the "I'll go when husband graduates" sounds great, but by then there could be another child or two.....or other demands on your time and finances, and well, mom's tend not to get back to school.

 

Ok....all those are the negatives, but there are people who are able to make it work....they work, go to college and support themselves and their marriage stays strong. And maybe even throw a kid in the mix and make it work. I'm sure there are many of them right here on this board. But I also think they are the exception.

 

I think after you have a talk with the couple about the negatives you'll be able to tell whether they have a chance by how well prepared they are with ideas of ways they'll not be a statistic. Have they really thought this through, do the negatives come as a shock, are their reasons for not wanting to wait emotional or maturely thought through. If they have the determination and energy, and their eyes wide open, then they'd have my support. I think the eyes wide open part would be my determining factor of whether I thought they had a chance or not.

 

Good luck!

[Murphy101]

I married young and have no regrets.. but aside from that perspective...

 

The only thing that happens when parents get livid at their adult child for marrying young or for marrying someone they would rather they not, is it drives a wedge between them and their own kid. Sometimes a wedge that is never entirely gone for the rest of their lives.

 

Personally, whenever my children marry, to whoever (barring some drug addict or wife beater), I will gladly welcome their new spouse into our family like a long lost child of my own.

 

IME and IMO, to do anything else serves no loving purpose towards my own child.

[Tap]

I guess it depends on how long the engagement is planned for and where they are planning on living. If they plan on getting married and living in one of the parent's homes...I wouldn't be happy. Part of the responsiblity of marriage is being finacially independent. I know a lot of families choose to live together, but each party should be able to live idependently should the need/desire arise.

 

It really is about why they want to get married, beyond the 'I love him/her".

 

A lot of the people who I know that got married young did so because of three predominate reasons (aside from pregnancy). 1. Sex (living together makes this much easier) 2. they want to move to the next level in their relationship and see marriage as that next logical step. 3. I have even had friends get married, when the should have broke up, just because they felt marriage would fix the problems. They still cared for each other but had grown apart, but didn't know how to break up.

 

Dh and I have been together since we were teens and I work with 2 other people who got together with their spouses as teens. I don't see it as a problem, if they are doing it for the right reasons.

[Rhonda in TX]

I had two friends that got married while in college. They had lived in dorm during the school year and at home during the breaks. They were all 20 years old. After they married, they went to college and lived in an apartment. I'm sure it was rough financially, but they graduated on time. One of the husbands even went on to medical school. They are all fine.

[Sara K]

I got married at 19, dh was 29. I am pregnant with our 5th at 29.

 

Honestly I don't know a single person with a better marriage than ours. I'm not trying to sound snotty or anything it's a fact. My parents hated that I was getting married. I have 4 siblings who focused on careers and financial stability, married late and I would not trade my marriage for their bank account and marriages no matter what. They fight so much more and so much worse than we do - and always about money and the claim that the spouse lacks respect for their careers and how hard they work for their money.

 

I can say being poor (well money poor anyways) and young and married is hard. It is VERY hard. I think it comes down to what they feel is important to them and how hard they are willing to work to make things work for them.

 

I'm not saying it's got to be one or the other but that's how it worked in my family.

 

Like a pp I know older couples are not "old" enough and teenagers that probably are.

 

Sara

[Macrina]

I met DH when I was freshly 17, engaged at 18 and married a month after my 19th birthday. DH was three and a half years older then me. Had had a good job at our church and was finishing his college degree. I had a part time job at a vet clinic. My parents were thrilled. They saw I was at my best becuase of him and our relationship. My in-law tolerated it, but none the less we had their blessing. We've been married 10 years now.

[*Jessica*]

Have they set a wedding date?

 

Marc and I met during my freshman year of college. I had been 18 for all of 2 months when we met. We started dating a month later and were engaged a month after that. But we were engaged for 3 years before we got married. We've been married for nine years. Perhaps they are planning a long engagement.

[Impish]

I'm in my 30s and not financially stable yet! *sigh*

 

Engaged could mean a wedding in a year, or yearS.

 

Folks need to relax a bit, and realize that these are young adults, no longer children.

[PinkInTheBlue]

My general opinion is that nobody needs to get married that young. I'm glad it's worked out for some but it doesn't for most. They are too young. They don't even know who they are yet much less who they are in a relationship. I was a very mature 19yr old but that's still not enough.

 

That is my opinion, of course.

[Word Nerd]

My parents were high school sweethearts and married at 19. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me when I think of their marrying at that age, but most people that age seem way too young.

[Philothea]

I'm sure they will do fine. Getting married after 25 seems old to me.

[Desert Rat]

Engaged doesn't mean married only the intent to do so. As a parent, I'm sure it's hard to not over react. I encourage the parents to take a deep breath and ask when the date is planned for. They won't have to worry if the couple sets a date for June 2012. Right?

[Tabrett]

I was engaged at 19 and married one month after I turned 20. I have been married for 18 1/2 years. I really don't see a problem. Waiting to get married when your are older doesn't equall a successful marriage.

[mommaduck]

I was engaged at 17, married at 19, and first baby at 21. I guess if they want to get married, let them support themselves. However, if they are in college and the parents want to help out, one can't complain about that either as they are at least in college to prepare for the future.

[SnowWhite]

It's on such an individual basis, it's hard to say. I think there ARE people who are ready to bet married at 19. Probably a bit on the rarer side. But 3 years is a good solid time to get to know someone.

 

As far as not being "financially stable", I think that's sort of a rite of passage of new married couples. Provided there is no baby, I wouldn't really worry much about that part.

 

:iagree:

 

My dh was 19 when we married, after knowing one another for 6 months.

[Lolly]

One more for when is the wedding?

 

Personally, it wouldn't bother me. If my dc wanted to get married to a boyfriend of 3 years at 19, I would continue to support them in the same manner I planned. (Basically, I would keep paying their portion of the rent, food, and schooling as long as they are full time students.) I don't see why parental support has to end just because kids get married.:confused:

[Melissa in Australia]

I got married at 18. I had my first child by 19.

my mother got married at 16

my grandmother got married at 18

my great grandmother got married at 17.

I always thought around 18-19 was the right age to get married.

[ereks mom]

We had known each other less than 2 years. We were both full-time college students (sophomores). I worked part time at a work-study job and dh worked full time (yes, 40+ hours per week AND a full-time student) at a department store as a sales clerk. When we married, each of us moved from our parents' home into an apartment on campus designated as "married housing". We continued to work and go to school, and we both finished college by age 22 with two bachelor's degrees each. Both of us went on to earn master's degrees after the kids started coming.

 

Dh & I have a strong marriage; in fact, we have been leading marriage retreats/seminars for church groups for over 15 years, teaching other couples our "secrets" to having a happy and lasting marriage. We also teach a weekly class for couples whose marriages are in crisis because of domestic violence.

 

When we married at age 19, I'm sure there were plenty of people who thought our marriage wouldn't last, but I'm glad they were wrong. :)

 

As another poster said, I know people who are 19 who are more ready to be married than others I know who are 35. So, yes, age really has very little to do with it. There are a LOT of other factors that determine whether a marriage will make it.

Edited October 5, 2009 by ereks mom

[HRAAB]

Well, my 18 year dd just got married. She has finished one year of college and is employed. Her dh is 23 and employed full-time. So I can't say they aren't financially secure enough to get married. Dh and I were and are very apprehensive because she is so young. But you know what. She was going to marry him irregardless. That put the ball in our court. We could accept and support, or we could not accept and dig a chasm between us. Yeah, we chose to accept and support and to welcome him into our family as a son. I know they are going to need our support. We are happy to say his parents are also on board so they have support on both sides.

 

I appreciate reading about those of you who married young and have successful marriages.

 

Janet

Edited October 4, 2009 by Ishki

[myfunnybunch]

I think it depends on the couple.

 

My sister was married at 19. They would not have been considered financially stable at the time. They have been happily married for 20+ years.

 

If I'd been married at 19, it would have been a disaster.

 

That said, they are legally adults. Being livid isn't going to help anyone. It will just drive wedges at a time when support and careful planning are crucial.

 

Cat

[Cera]

Have you asked her parents exactly why they object? Simply saying she is too young doesn't get to the heart of the issue. Is she too young because they are afraid she will drop out of college? Because they don't like the fiance? Because they aren't ready to see her move out?

 

She is legally an adult. I think the best they can do is sit down and discuss it with her like an adult. Perhaps once they hear how she plans to address each of their concerns they will start to feel better.

[eternalknot]

Personality and perspective play such a large part in it. It takes a special couple to weather the "growing pains" - both as individuals and as a couple - that come with maturing. And while one is always maturing, there is something to be said for the late teens and twenties as a major time of maturation. Maybe less "maturation" and more "discovering oneself" is what I mean to say.

 

People whose perspective of marriage is that it's truly a covenant (religious or not) with personalities of perserverence and realistic expectations (there will be 'seasons' and all relationships take work) will make a marriage work regardless of the obstacles they face ... be those age, finances, family, whatever.

 

People whose view of marriage is more based in 'love' (as in love conquers all) with personalities of "happiness is paramount" (to the extent that one feels unhappiness cannot be weathered, it must be eliminated by doing x-action) will always find it more of a struggle to work through the kinks of a matured marriage, even if they are grown adults, financially independent, and all of those other social must- and should-bes.

 

Personality and perspective. Those are the heart and soul of successful and unsucessful relationships - marital or otherwise.

[LadyAberlin]

My parents were married a couple of months after turning 19. They had know each other since about 5th grade and dated all through highschool. They were far from financially stable. They have been married 33 yrs. I was married at 21 I don't think I was more mature at 21 than at 19. I don't see the big deal, unless the parent just don't like him.

[Guest 4boys]

I think it's an individual thing.

 

If it helps, DH and I were married at 19. Looking back, we agreed that we should have gotten married straight out of high school. We began dating when I was barely 16 and there wasn't ever really any doubt that we would get married. Instead, we left it too long, became too involved physically, and ended up getting married two months after the birth of our first son (and it was an extremely stressful pregnancy trying to decide between parenting and adoption. By the grace of God, we made the right choice for us!).

 

That said, we have been married for 7 1/2 years, together for 11, and we have a fabulous marriage.

 

It is my opinion that if a couple has dated a couple of years, it's better to get married sooner if it's going to happen eventually anyway, than fall into temptation like we did.

[cin]

engagement is more of an expression of exclusivicity (if that's a word!) and dedication. We were engaged when DH was 19 & I was 21. We didn't get married for another 2 years. He got his Associate's Degree in Electrical Engineering Technology. He graduated, and as soon as he got his job, we announced a date. :D So, an engagement doesn't necessarily mean an immenent marriage. It just mean that they are planning it somewhere down the road.

[Tree House Academy]

I am not sure if I "should have" gotten married that young, but I did. I was pregnant too. We both finished college - FAST and had great jobs within 2 years of getting married. We were making 110K a year between the two of us at the ages of 21 and 23. Not too shabby. :)

 

If they have been together 3 years, have a good and mature relaitonship, and are going to college/have aspirations, then they will be FINE. Just because you are young doesn't mean instant ignorance. Would I WANT my child to do this...no. Would I accept it and do all I could to be supportive? You bet.

[babysparkler]

I can think of 19yo's who are ready to get married, and 35yo's who are not. It depends on the individuals involved, not their ages. If they've been together 3 years, they probably know each other pretty well, and are legally adults who can make this decision. Why are the parents so upset? Is it something besides their age? She can be married and still finish college or whatever they're afraid she'll miss.

:iagree:

[Garga]

There's really not enough info on the OP to really know...even with her update about their going to college.

 

Is their dad really livid? That seems a bit over the top. Concerned, yes, but livid? Wow. That's a strange thing to be livid about. After 3 years of dating, he didn't see this coming?

 

What is the couple planning on doing for housing? If they're going to live with their parents, then their parents can just refuse, gently. No need to be livid.

 

Are most people ready for marriage at 19? Probably not. I got married at 19 and have been married for 17 now, but I still don't think it's a good idea to get married so young. I wish I'd gone to college, maybe traveled a little, lived on my own for a year or so before making a life-long commitment.

 

Anyhoo...I'd like to know what made the op's brother so livid.

[mama2cntrykids]

I married my first husband when I was 19. I was ready to be married, looking back, he wasn't. We were not financially stable, BUT if you're going to wait until you are, it could be a lifetime. Especially when you live paycheck to paycheck (which I have for most of my adult life). Just my .02.

[QueenCat]

It's interesting to me that what was "normal" has varied in the different places I've lived. Where I lived, in MD, when I got married, at 22, I was OLD to be just getting married. Shortly after that, we moved. Where I lived in GA, I was a young mom, having my first child at 24. Most of my neighbors and others I met there, were much closer to 30 with their first. Where I live now, it's somewhat common to get married in the 18-20 year old range but not as common as where I lived in MD.