Do you feel accepted by your inlaws?

[MistyJ]

MIL and FIL, but also SILs and BILs?

 

I married into a huge Catholic family. My MIL was a stay at home mom who raised 6 kids. Out of her 5 married children, 3 are divorced, all were/are double income except us. We are the only ones not to use daycare, only to homeschool, obviously. We are the only ones who go to church. The last of the 6 is getting married soon, but he and his fiancee have been living together. (And two of the divorced ones are living with their girlfriends.) Of course one loves one's children no matter what they do, but sheesh, why am I so disliked?

 

You think I would get some kudos from those statistics, but no. I am considered unambitious and lazy, a blood sucker who doesn't contribute to the family. I won't go into the petty details, but this has been a cumulative experience over our 14 years of marriage. I have my flaws, but I run a tight ship, homeschool fastidiously, cook and sew, and clean in line with the haiku, "Don't worry spiders, I keep house, casually."

 

Perhaps this is a common experience? Perhaps big families don't embrace outsiders?

Edited September 7, 2009 by MistyJ

[Harriet Vane]

I think the answers on this are going to vary as much as people do. Some people are loving, warm-hearted, generous, and accepting, and others are not--no matter what the size of the family.

 

I have to say I am so lucky to be fully accepted and loved by my dh's family. I thank God for them all the time. They love me despite the fact that many major life choices are so very different from their own.

[sunshine]

I understand. My MIL hated me on sight. That was 21 years ago and it hasn't changed much. My MIL calls my husband everyday, sometimes 2x a day, tries to get my son to move in with her, adores my sister inlaw who left my BIL for him after they had an affair. She had the requisite 1 child and went to work fulltime at 6wks, daycare, public school, football the whole redneck stuff, she goes off for weekends with her girlfriends without child or BIL, gets drunk but she is a "great mother and wife", while I..... am a leech, lazy, child obsessed, neurotic. I don't even go over there any more although they live within a mile of us. I keep my kids away as much as I can get away with. People like that don't change because they can't change the way they raised their dysfunctional family and your life is a testament to all they did wrong. Don't be surprised if they are gleeful if any of your children show any rebellion. I had a 2 week rebellious episode with my son last year, and my SIL and MIL were so thrilled that it sickened me. It sickened my son too, along with his own behavior but he was so hurt at their response to me. It isn't worth my time to worry about it. They will never change.

It is not you, it is them. You are great!!:D

[BigMamaBird]

I am fortunate to be loved by my In Laws.

 

But I have noticed what you said about large families. The one's I have known tend to be very insular. Not that it's always a negative thing. It's just harder to break into "the club" when there's a large family with built in friends.

[kalanamak]

Some people are loving, warm-hearted, generous, and accepting, and others are not--no matter what the size of the family.

 

:iagree:

 

I am reminded of the line about how "small people put others down in the hopes to look larger themselves". The logic is flawed. I've heard more alarming words out of my IL's in the little time I've known them and spent with them, than I have out of my whole extended family over the last 50 years. Both are large families, although mine is larger.

 

So sorry this has to happen to you.

[Orthodox6]

With deepest love and gratitude, I can say that from the very beginning, I have been accepted and loved by m-i-l, s-i-l, b-i-l, and myriad aunts-, uncles-, and cousins-by-marriage. This is true even of those who live in Europe. I could not possibly ask for more than I have received.

 

I did not mention f-i-l because, to my sorrow, he died the summer before I first met dh.

[Word Nerd]

Yes, and given how many horror stories I've heard from those who aren't accepted by their in-laws, I'm very thankful for that and try not to take it for granted.

 

I do want to share this and hope it gives people some hope: My grandmother thought my parents got married too young (they were both 19 and had been dating for several years) and gave my mom a hard time for decades. Mom could do no right in her eyes, and she never had a kind word for her. Much later when her health was ailing and Mom was caring for her, she acknowledged how horribly she had treated Mom and asked for forgiveness. She also told her that she truly considered her a daughter and knew that she was a good wife to her son all those years.

[chiguirre]

We seem to have married into similar families, but I haven't experienced in-law trouble. Dh has 4 brothers and the youngest just got married after living with his fiancee for a year. Only the oldest is divorced and everyone still likes his ex-wife as well as his current girlfried who's been around for about 12 or 13 years now. The in-laws still visit the ex when they visit BIL #1 (and he doesn't mind). The only difference is that I'm not the religious SIL, that would be #2's wife (and when I say religious, I mean it, they're Opus Dei).

 

I think the key to our calm relationships is that nobody thinks that everyone else should be like them. All of us have faced difficult situations and worked through them with the family's support (although sometimes the support has just been sympathy instead of actual help). It could be a cultural thing since dh's family is mainly Venezuelan with 2 Americans (including me) but it might just be his family's laid back style, too.

 

There are some difficult personalities in the crew, but everyone knows what to expect by now and the rest of us just roll with it. Some of the quirks have become standing jokes and some are annoying, but everyone manages to get along almost all the time and the few blow-ups get patched up or forgotten. I'm willing to put up with everyone else's quirks because they put up with ds1's behaviors so it's only fair. I think the key to good relations is to be more generous than usual with your patience and forgiveness. You don't get to pick your family, either birth or in-law, they come as a package deal. Most will have both good and bad points and, if you want to be content, focus on the positives and try to avoid or shrug off the negatives. Or just grin and bear it!

[Mabelen]

I am very lucky to feel completely accepted and loved by all my in-laws, and my husband is also completely accepted and loved by my own family.

 

Not only that, but both families really accepted each other from day one even though they are from different countries and continents, have different religious beliefs and languages, achieved different levels of education and belong to different social classes. Our families have as much contact with each other as it is possible considering all the geographical and linguistic barriers.

 

I edit to add we are also different races... it really shouldn't matter and it doesn't.

[mrsrevmeg]

I am very fortunate to be accepted by wonderful in-laws. My husband on the other hand, not so much. It breaks my heart that nothing my husband is good enough for them. Although, why should it be when nothing I have ever done has ever been good enough. So maybe that is their way of accepting him.

[lgm]

Nah..it's their culture and/or education and maturity level combined with possible need to control their children. I let it roll off and find a reason to leave if they get uncivil, since I"m not changing my religion, education, race, ethnicity, or profession for their benefit and besides, there is no one they actually accept besides themselves. My family is just as big, but the culture is entirely different. Case in point: wedding family photos. In my family, everyone is in the picture. In the ILs..only blood relatives, no spouses, no kids unless favored grandchild. (THe look on the photographers' faces is always priceless)

 

Oh, I'm lazy too. Now that we have firmly established that we won't be dumping our kids in daycare and both work in order to contribute to their lifestyle, life is fine.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The day we announced our engagement, my future MIL sat down with me and told me about all the Filipinas she had hoped he would have chosen instead.

 

The first year of our marriage, my ILs did not remember my name. It doesn't matter that it is the same as my MILs name - whenever I called and identified myself, it was "Who?" Even if I said "it is your son's wife" - they would say "Who?" :glare:

 

When we moved close to my ILs because MIL was deathly ill, she announced happily that she was so glad that we were there so she could take care of her son now. She would call me at supper time and tell me "I have (dh's name)'s supper ready." I would say, "What a coincidence. So do I." Dh was a very wise man and ate my suppers.:D

 

But - despite all that, I have to say that after about 6 years of marriage, my ILs did start to accept me. Now they know my name! They do not overstep boundaries because I drew a very firm line in the sand. And yes, I'd say we have a good relationship now. (Now - they still have their weirdnesses and I'm sure they think I have some too - but we have an unspoken agreement to accept each other warts and all.)

[nukeswife]

I wouldn't say they hate me but they Tolerate me. All of my SIL's and BIL's are wonderful and accept me fully.

 

As far as they are concerned I'm the girl that took their son and made him move away from them. Um NOPE, that would be the US Navy that made him move away. He had joined 2 years before I even came into the picture. They feel I keep the kids from them, but I have an open door policy and they know it. Even when I lived somewhat close (6hr drive instead of the ususal 24+) they only came to visit twice because they think I should come to them. Well it's much easier for 2 grown adults to drive that long than it is for 1 grown adult, and 2 small children (at the time we only had 2 kids ages 5 and 2.5)

 

Even though my FIL offered to fly my MIL, in his plane, to see our 3rd child a week after he was born (a 1 hr plane flight) she refused saying "I don't think I should take off of work"

 

My dh is finally coming around to see this, he's a wonderful man but had lived 8 years with rose colored glasses on. When the whole time off thing happened after 3rd child's birth it was like the glasses came off and he finally got what I'd been talking about.

 

They don't do anything mean directly, but they always find a way to subtley suggest I'm not who they'd pick for a DIL

[Crissy]

My MIL was a stay at home mom who raised 6 kids.

 

.......

 

Perhaps this is a common experience? Perhaps big families don't embrace outsiders?

 

My MIL also stayed at home to raise six boys, but my experience is very different from yours. She is extremely loving and accepting of all her daughters-in-law and her grandchildren. My sisters-in-law and brothers-in-law all treat me kindly. I married into a wonderful family.

 

I would guess that your MIL's issues are based on her own personal problems and have nothing to do with you or with the size of her family.

[Stacy in NJ]

I'm accepted because we're not close (physically or emotionally)? My in-laws live about 3 hours away. We see them 3 or 4 time per year during holidays. My in-laws don't want closeness. They have that attitude some older people develop - I've raised my kids and don't want to be to bothered with yours. They don't have any other grandkids, so there's no competition for attention. The funny thing is my dc will probably inherit a nice sum from them, but a more loving relationship would be more valued.

[OrganicAnn]

I'd say yes. My DH parents divorced about a year after we were married and there is a lot of dysfunctional stuff in his family. I am the calm solid one. If we don't approve of the way they treat us, we can live our lives independent of them and can be quite satisfied. So our relationship has had to be one of mutual acceptance. We don't always approve of everything they do or say, but we get along. I do let my DH decide on issues of attending family functions if there is something touchy. His mother still does not like to be in the same room as his father which make family weddings and funerals a little awkward.

[lauracolumbus]

No, not at all. And they're a small family and getting even smaller. It was only dh and his sister and she's getting divorced. It has made my life easier b/c we don't see each other. He takes the kids on visits, which is wonderful for me b/c I get the break. I'm sure it's a lot harder on his mother not to see the kids very often, but she was the cause of all this and I've tried several times to reconcile, but nada.

 

Laura

[SilverMoon]

:lol:

 

Short answer: no :tongue_smilie:

 

Well, FIL barely talks to me anymore, when they visit. Which I take as a good sign; he has nothing to complain about and nothing to say to me otherwise. (I'm not sure the man knows how to compliment) MIL likes to poke wherever she possibly can and has loudly disagreed with practically every parenting decision of ours she's ever been privy to. She and I mostly tolerate each other for hub's sake.

 

Hub's sibs and I aren't around each other enough to form much of a relationship. We get along for the most part when we are together and agree to disagree on major issues that come up.

[The Girls' Mom]

Thankfully, I was very much accepted into the family, even though they did NOT want us to get married at the time. (They were right, we were TOO young!) I honestly have to say though, they are a large part of what held our marriage together during rough patches. DH and I even separated for a while, and my MIL and FIL helped me out SO much during that time. (Of course all the while saying they wished we get back together). They even made sure that I knew I'd always be their daughter, no matter what happened. My SIL (dh's brother's wife) is one of my closest friends. There are women that have married into this family that haven't been as accepted. I'm not even sure why :confused:

[MistyJ]

My MIL also stayed at home to raise six boys, but my experience is very different from yours. She is extremely loving and accepting of all her daughters-in-law and her grandchildren. My sisters-in-law and brothers-in-law all treat me kindly. I married into a wonderful family.

 

I would guess that your MIL's issues are based on her own personal problems and have nothing to do with you or with the size of her family.

 

 

I just meant to say that I am the only SAHM in the family, and religious, as she was. My life is the most like hers.

[MistyJ]

The day we announced our engagement, my future MIL sat down with me and told me about all the Filipinas she had hoped he would have chosen instead.

 

The first year of our marriage, my ILs did not remember my name. It doesn't matter that it is the same as my MILs name - whenever I called and identified myself, it was "Who?" Even if I said "it is your son's wife" - they would say "Who?" :glare:

 

When we moved close to my ILs because MIL was deathly ill, she announced happily that she was so glad that we were there so she could take care of her son now. She would call me at supper time and tell me "I have (dh's name)'s supper ready." I would say, "What a coincidence. So do I." Dh was a very wise man and ate my suppers.:D

 

But - despite all that, I have to say that after about 6 years of marriage, my ILs did start to accept me. Now they know my name! They do not overstep boundaries because I drew a very firm line in the sand. And yes, I'd say we have a good relationship now. (Now - they still have their weirdnesses and I'm sure they think I have some too - but we have an unspoken agreement to accept each other warts and all.)

 

 

God bless you! What a story.

[Crissy]

I just meant to say that I am the only SAHM in the family, and religious, as she was. My life is the most like hers.

 

I hope I didn't sound snarky in my original post. I should have explained my thoughts better.

 

I wonder if because you are more like her, she feels threatened by you?

If the other adult children have difficult marriages, etc., maybe she feels as if she retains whatever position of importance she imagines for herself in those relationships.

Could she think that because you are doing everything 'right' that her son doesn't 'need' her?

 

That is why I said her issues are her own.

Make sense?

 

Whatever it is, I'm sorry you have to deal with it. :grouphug:

[jujsky]

I don't necessarily think it's a big family/small family issue. My DH is an only, and I haven't felt very accepted by his family, while I have a large extended family and they accepted DH and my brother's wonderful wife with loving arms. When we told DH's family we were engaged, we were met with shocked silence, and then his parents broke out some wine for what had to be the most awkward toast in the history of the planet :tongue_smilie: I have been outright told in the past that I ruined the life of their son. They have been more accepting of me since we've had children because I think they finally realize that I'm not going anywhere, and at least I'm a good mom. The acceptance is more of a resigned acceptance (they don't have much of a choice) verses a true acceptance (loving me despite my real and perceived faults). Oh, well -- I'll take it, I guess. You're not alone in the "not accepted" department. You have LOTS of company!

 

:grouphug:

[KrissiK]

My DH is the 4th of 5 children. He has a wonderful family and I feel extremely accepted by all of them. There's a funny thing about his family - he's got 3 brothers and 1 sister. His oldest brother married a Kristin, another brother married a Christa, his sister is named Christine and my name is Kristen. My sil Kristin is a rather well-respected OB/Gyn in town, so people take me for her all the time, especially when I'm taking care of business in the women's health mileu. I once had an argument with a doctor who was doing an ultrasound on me who insisted I was my sil and I kept insisting that I was K the teacher, not K the doctor. It was pretty funny.

[Crissy]

:D

My DH is the 4th of 5 children. He has a wonderful family and I feel extremely accepted by all of them. There's a funny thing about his family - he's got 3 brothers and 1 sister. His oldest brother married a Kristin, another brother married a Christa, his sister is named Christine and my name is Kristen. My sil Kristin is a rather well-respected OB/Gyn in town, so people take me for her all the time, especially when I'm taking care of business in the women's health mileu. I once had an argument with a doctor who was doing an ultrasound on me who insisted I was my sil and I kept insisting that I was K the teacher, not K the doctor. It was pretty funny.

 

That reminds me of a funny mix up with my husband's brother. His name is Chris.

We see the same doctor, a family friend, who also calls me Chris.

 

My brother-in-law arrived in the exam room for his annual physical a few years ago to find a tray of implements he didn't recognize. When he questioned the nurse about them she said, "Oh those are for the...Oh NO! We pulled the wrong chart!"

 

An assistant pulled my chart and had the room ready for *MY* annual exam.

 

So, Chris now recognizes a speculum and knows what it's used for. :D

[TammyinTN]

MIL and FIL, but also SILs and BILs?

 

I married into a huge Catholic family. My MIL was a stay at home mom who raised 6 kids. Out of her 5 married children, 3 are divorced, all were/are double income except us. We are the only ones not to use daycare, only to homeschool, obviously. We are the only ones who go to church. The last of the 6 is getting married soon, but he and his fiancee have been living together. (And two of the divorced ones are living with their girlfriends.) Of course one loves one's children no matter what they do, but sheesh, why am I so disliked?

 

You think I would get some kudos from those statistics, but no. I am considered unambitious and lazy, a blood sucker who doesn't contribute to the family. I won't go into the petty details, but this has been a cumulative experience over our 14 years of marriage. I have my flaws, but I run a tight ship, homeschool fastidiously, cook and sew, and clean in line with the haiku, "Don't worry spiders, I keep house, casually."

 

Perhaps this is a common experience? Perhaps big families don't embrace outsiders?

 

My mil and fil are awesome. :D They have always been completely onboard with our homeschooling, family decision and our crazy military lifestyle. I feel really blessed. Now my family is a total other story...I often feel I was accidently switched at birth and I got the wrong family. ;)

[Tabrett]

My dh is convinced they like me better than him.:blushing:

[Sahamamama]

No.

 

But neither does my husband.

[chaik76]

 

Perhaps this is a common experience? Perhaps big families don't embrace outsiders?

We're a huge Catholic family...and once you join it, you're considered just part of the rest of us...so I think it has more to do with how individual families operate than large families as a whole.

 

My husband's smaller family though...no, I don't feel accepted although my husband assures me that I am. I am very different from them.

[CalicoKat]

my bil's wife made it very clear to me -- minutes after the wedding was over that we were NOT related. Her relationship to me was that she's my bil's wife.

 

my mil and fil are very loving, non-confrontational, gossping individuals.

 

we're respectful and loving to them but certainly not close.

[Rosie_0801]

It's not big families. It's people. My hubby is better accepted by my fairly large family than his small one. Most of my rellies are not too fond of me, but at least they didn't dislike me on principle like my inlaws! They had decided not to like me before we even met. I don't take it personally, they don't seem to like anyone.

 

Rosie

[vettechmomof2]

yes, even extended cousins and there families and in some cases in laws in laws.

 

Now, my family has their own issues though but my main family:parents and brother accept my hubby and his family great though. Just the others, cousins and so forth that tend to be a bit crazy.:tongue_smilie:

[dancer67]

I just meant to say that I am the only SAHM in the family, and religious, as she was. My life is the most like hers.

 

I may not be the expert here on the in-laws, since I am also in a dilemma aver mine and have a thread started on some advice.

 

But your statement jumped out at me.

 

""My life is the most like hers"......I wonder if she is angry and feels threatened by you. She raised a large family and was Catholic, and was a SAHM. She also attended Church. You are now doing the same. Sounds to me like she is no longer able to brag about her accomplishments, because you are now doing the same, PLUS you homeschool. Maybe she thought all along everyone was thinking she was SO wonderful, and now she can't think or say that she is the only one in the family who did this.

 

I only wanted to mention this as a possibility. My MIL was the same way, the situation was the same, but different circimstances.

 

:grouphug:

[MamaSheep]

I come from a family of seven siblings and have been impressed with the way all the new siblings-in-law have been welcomed into the family. A bunch of us were together this past summer and my one sis-in-law made a crack about my brother leaving her (totally joking around) and he got all serious and said he wouldn't dare because we'd keep her in the family and kick him to the curb. At the same gathering there was quite a discussion about how much the in-law sibs felt as much a part of our family as the birth-sibs. I've really enjoyed my in-law sibs.

 

My husband's family had a hard time with him marrying me. We've now been married for 13 years, and over the past few years a pretty good relationship has developed between me and dh's parents, and his brother's family (he has only the one sibling). I feel much more welcome now.

 

The whole family has always been VERY POLITE -- in that classic Southern manner that lets you know that you are decidedly NOT welcome, but that they are too well bred to say so to your face. In the beginning, his family refused to participate in any wedding festivities and asked us to please not have the wedding in their hometown. A couple of months before the actual wedding, though, they said that if we were having a reception in the town where dh and I were living at the time instead of just out where my family lived, they would come. We threw one together there kind of last minute, and they did come and even behaved themselves, which we appreciated. Shortly after we were married, dh's grandmothers (he had no living grandfathers) wrote him out of their wills. I gather they'd told him in advance that this would happen should he marry me, but I didn't find out about it until later. Frankly, even though it was evidently a sizeable inheritance, I think it was probably one of the kindest things they could have done for us, since we got to be left out of all the family drama when they passed away and dh is perfectly capable of supporting our family without it.

 

The main problem was that dh switched religions, and his family wasn't happy about that. But I think they saw that as just a phase that he'd eventually grow out of until he decided to marry me. Marrying me made it permanent in their eyes (though if he wasn't extremely committed BEFORE I married him, I would not have said yes). So I can kind of see where they're coming from and have never really been offended by their attitude, though I have always been sad that we could not be closer. It has been nice the past few years when things have thawed out a lot and we have started to be able to really be ourselves around each other.

 

I understand that one of his aunts in particular was on an anti-me campaign, and my relationship with my mother-in-law improved greatly a few years ago when she finally (she tells me) realized that 99% of what dh's aunt was saying about me (based on my religion) was clearly untrue based on her own observations of our family. I have only met said aunt one time. Dh has seen her a few more times since, and I gather that aunt's husband does a pretty good job of reminding her to be polite to her evil-cultist nephew when he's in town.

 

I got a couple of good doses of what it would be like before we were married and we talked it over, and I knew his family and their "issues" were part of the package if I married him. I knew what I was getting myself into, and it's what I chose so I can't complain. There was one kind of funny (in a sad sort of way) incident about a month before we got engaged. We'd been dating for quite a while and I'd met his family when they were in town a couple of times, but he took me home to hang with them for a while and really get to know each other. His mother was polite, but not friendly, and I really got a glimpse of how she really felt about it all when we came home from a Renaissance festival near where they lived. She asked if I'd enjoyed it and what we'd done while we were there, and I replied that we'd watched a jester's little show, and a joust, and whatever else it was, and then we'd shopped at the craft booths and her son had given me a ring. It was just a little medieval themed trinkety ring that turned my finger green, but he'd bought it for me as a souvenir. She turned about four shades of white and grabbed at the stair post she was standing next to pretty hard and edged toward a nearby chair, and then I realized that she thought I'd meant an engagement ring. Her facade only slipped for a minute, but it gave me a pretty clear idea of what her reaction would be if we actually did get engaged.

 

But she really is a sweet, caring woman, and my FIL tries to be gruff but he has a good heart underneath and it comes out if you know how to manage him. Dh has always been good about running interference if any inappropriate comments were made (they have slipped out a few times). Overall, they're good people and I think they've done the best they could with what they considered less than ideal circumstances.

[HRAAB]

I was as accepted by my MIL as she ever accepted an in-law. Which means at first she was not excited about us getting married which made no sense at all since she should have been doing backflips. ;) I also married into a large Catholic family. There had been several divorces, cohabitating, etc. Dh and I did not live together before marriage and married in the church with every intent of living faithful, Christian lives. In my case, she simply distrusted everyone.

 

I can't tell you how many years it took, but I can say I have been totally accepted. We attend church, are raising our children in the faith, are passing on our morals - which are mil's morals. Our children spend time with their grandparents, keep in touch, go to church with them occasionally. All my sil's work outside the home; I'm the only SAHM plus the only homeschooler. My mil appreciates that greatly. It took years, but I finally made it.

 

I'm sorry you don't feel accepted. I remember feeling that way early on, and it was very hard plus making things difficult between dh and me. It's hard when certain values aren't shared (like staying home w/your children), but you know you're doing the right thing. Your dh supports you, right? I would try to let the rest of it go, if I could. Your family is what counts.

 

Janet

[Impish]

My MIL accepted me...the way a drowning woman accepts a life preserver.

 

She had this bizarre idea that I would be the daughter she had wanted when going to the adoption agency vs the son she accepted 'because he was the right age'. :glare: She viewed/views me as a co-conspirator to manage Wolf, and has called in the past to 'make him' do something she wanted him to do. I'm someone else for attention to her.

 

As for his bio fam...depends. His late Grandfather, absolutely welcomed me. His youngest brother and youngest sister accept me.

 

His other sibs? Well, eldest sister hates me cause I told Wolf my earrings went missing (he saw her a cpl of years later, wearing them). Apparently, I should have let her steal to her hearts content. Plus, she wanted her brother to herself.

 

Other extended family? Depends. Some won't even have anything to do with Wolf because he's 'too white'. They hate me on sight, due to their racist idiocy.

[mom4him]

MIL and FIL, but also SILs and BILs?

 

I married into a huge Catholic family. My MIL was a stay at home mom who raised 6 kids. Out of her 5 married children, 3 are divorced, all were/are double income except us. We are the only ones not to use daycare, only to homeschool, obviously. We are the only ones who go to church. The last of the 6 is getting married soon, but he and his fiancee have been living together. (And two of the divorced ones are living with their girlfriends.) Of course one loves one's children no matter what they do, but sheesh, why am I so disliked?

 

You think I would get some kudos from those statistics, but no. I am considered unambitious and lazy, a blood sucker who doesn't contribute to the family. I won't go into the petty details, but this has been a cumulative experience over our 14 years of marriage. I have my flaws, but I run a tight ship, homeschool fastidiously, cook and sew, and clean in line with the haiku, "Don't worry spiders, I keep house, casually."

 

Perhaps this is a common experience? Perhaps big families don't embrace outsiders?

I was never accepted by my mil. My fil had died years before I met dh. My dh's sister have always accepted me though. I wouldn't say we are 'close' but I do feel very loved and accepted by them both.

I don't think large families don't accept outsiders though. I came from a family of 9 and I would say all of my sil/bil except 2 loved my mom and day as their own and vis-versa.

I think it is the personality of the person and whether they are secure enough in themselves and the family they have raised as to whether the inlaws are received in. The fact that you do stay at home, have a happy marriage, go to church verses their birth children that have not had this success could possibly be the reason you are not accepted.

[Desert Rat]

Not really. My youngest BIL is very accepting but he was 17 when I met my dh. The rest of the family ignores us now. It's sad because most of us still live in the same town. My FIL is very nice but distant so it really isn't a matter of being accepted, at least I don't take it that way.

[justamouse]

 

You think I would get some kudos from those statistics, but no. I am considered unambitious and lazy, a blood sucker who doesn't contribute to the family. I won't go into the petty details, but this has been a cumulative experience over our 14 years of marriage. I have my flaws, but I run a tight ship, homeschool fastidiously, cook and sew, and clean in line with the haiku, "Don't worry spiders, I keep house, casually."

 

Perhaps this is a common experience? Perhaps big families don't embrace outsiders?

 

 

I have given up trying to gain my MILs acceptance. We've been married 15 years this month and have 7 kids. Not ONCE has she been to our house for Xmas. She chooses her daughter over her son all the time.

 

I actually apologized to Dh this week. I was sorry that him marrying caused a rift (his sister hated me from the get go. I'm taller, thinner and have a better education). He and sis had a fight, he chose me over her and she told him he was dead to her. His Mom puts a guilt trip on him all the time but as far as he's concerned sis is the one that has to apologize.

 

MIL gets rid of every present I buy, used to tell me I was gold digging (esp when I got preg before we got married) which I laughed at because when we met we made the same amount.

 

*shrug* what ya gonna do? I am the duck.

[ma23peas]

Not really accepted...I think the word they used was 'disowned' or 'cut out of the will'...all of which means nothing to us...we don't want their money, just a smidgeon of reasonableness and understanding....I've been called "That woman" and we've both been called Jesus freaks...my dh's siblings have pretty much nothing to do with us, I send Xmas cards every year but the feeling is they don't care to associate...or rock the boat for fear they might be cut out of the will...all this because my dh told them he did not want to be around them if they drank...he was told if they were to choose between Jim Bean(m?) and my dh, they would choose Jim....needless to say, my dh's name is not Jim. My dh grew up with alcoholics and does not want to expose our children...I can't blame him. But I still love them and hope one day their heart will be the organ that wins out..

 

Tara

[rafiki]

.

[eternalknot]

My inlaws accept me, yes. Tolerate would probably be the more fitting word.

 

Reading some of the other replies, ... I come from a very large family, and have always heard from friends and married-ins that we are a difficult bunch to break in to. We don't intend to be, and it's definitely food for thought. I'll have to make a point of being more welcoming to people who are newer to our family.

[LibraryLover]

My inlaws are good people.

Edited September 10, 2009 by LibraryLover

[petepie2]

As others have said, I don't think it's a family-size issue.....it's a people issue...some people are just that way...they're unforgiving, mean-spirited, selfish, etc....actually i think we can all have some of that at times....but some people are just defined by it. I'm so sorry that you have to live with this family tension. We don't have this problem in our family, but I have friends that have experienced this. I do hope your husband is your defender and protector when his family acts inappropriately toward you. And I hope God gives you the grace to respond in the right way in this situation. Your behavior is the one thing you have control over. You can't control them. Again, I'm sorry that you have to deal with this.

 

:grouphug:

[Peela]

I dont really know if dh's family accept me or not, and I dont waste my time worrying about it, either. They treat me ok to my face but I am sure they have judgements just like I do about them.

 

I let go of my own family to a large extent many years ago. My 'family' are the people I choose to be close to in my life. Blood relations are ok- I dont reject them- and I love some of them, and get on with my own parents- but truly I dont invest my energy in them very much. And even less my inlaws, who even live fairly close.

[MistyJ]

I really appreciate everyone's stories. In retrospect, perhaps I shared too many details. Wish I could change my name on these boards to something more anonymous :001_huh:.

 

My dh does support me, and we live far away. I think growing up in a VERY small family increased my expectations for love and warmth from my in-laws. At 40, I'm almost, but not quite, confident in my choices. Not bulletproof yet. Hope that comes at 45.

[i.love.lucy]

My husband is an only child, so it's pretty much been him and his parents his whole life. They are retired school teachers, very simple, "salt of the earth" kind of people. They think of me as the daughter they never had and I feel very blessed to have them.

 

Unfortunately they are now becoming more like dependent children in their older years, but I care for them with all the patience, love, honor and duty as I would my own parents.

 

I am very sorry for those of you that have to deal with being treated so badly. Life is so short and precious.

[KidsHappen]

Absolutely. They have been my in-laws for 28 years now. That means that they have been my in-laws for a larger part of my life than not. I have been incredibly blessed to not have any in-law problems or really any family of origin problems either. It also looks like I am doing extraordinarily well in the SIL department and their families as well. My trials lie in other areas.

[sgilli3]

With deepest love and gratitude, I can say that from the very beginning, I have been accepted and loved by m-i-l, s-i-l, b-i-l, and myriad aunts-, uncles-, and cousins-by-marriage. This is true even of those who live in Europe. I could not possibly ask for more than I have received.

 

I did not mention f-i-l because, to my sorrow, he died the summer before I first met dh.

 

Ditto.

 

My extended family adore me and love me more than I will probably ever know. I ( and my family) love them with all our our heart.

 

Not only was I blessed to meet and marry such a wonderful guy, but I have married into a fabulous, warm, loving, and very funny family.

 

DH's parents and my parents ( along with my siblings and their partners) all get on wonderfully!

 

FIL is arriving here in 2 weeks, to help us out with a project.

Followed shortly after by my mum, then a few week later, my MIL

 

I can't wait!

[JudyJudyJudy]

I don't think the issue has anything to do with the size of the family. My family is large, yet they accepted dh.

 

Dh's parents come from large families, but although Catholic, they didn't have large families themselves. Dh has one older half-brother by his mother and one younger half-sister by his father. His parents were never married, but they were living together when fil decided to leave mil for another woman.

 

Fil and step-mil are book-worthy and not in a good way. There is some major history there, and you all would probably think I was making it up if I tried to explain it. It's the type of thing you see in movies. Anyway, despite their past (and their present doesn't impress me any more than their past), they have nothing to do with dh and me because we didn't get ds baptized in the Catholic church (I guess they really would croak if they found out that I'm atheist, and dh is agnostic). Sil, who has also chosen to pretend that her own husband's only brother doesn't exist because she is so much holier than everyone else around, made the call to exclude us from family events, and fil and step-mil went along with it because they always go along with anything she wants.

 

As for mil, she's okay, but she and dh have a weird, almost creepy relationship. Dh was married before, and his ex told my step-daughter that mil is the one who came between her and dh; I truly believe it. Luckily for me, mil lives 900 miles away, so I don't have to deal with her often. However, when she comes to visit, it isn't pretty. She knows that I have multiple chemical sensitivity, and she's reminded in advance that she can't bring any scented products (I even provide shampoo, conditioner, etc.), but she'll sneak behind my back and wear smelly stuff (thus making me really sick) because she thinks it's "all in my head."

 

If someone can't respect me in my own home, I don't have much respect for the person. The last two times mil has visited, dh and I came very close to divorce. The last time she was here was in late June, and I told dh that he'll have to go visit her from now on—that she can't come here again since she can't respect me.