Denisemomof4 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I just don't know what happened to our family. We were always so close and so loving. We had so many good times together. I look back at homeschooling my boys and remember all the good and special times we had. They look back at all the bad times. The days of corrections, the days of diagramming with tears, etc. I didn't really realize that until today. Is it normal for the parents to reflect on the positive, the kids on the negative? I don't understand. I can't even begin to tell you how many special and FUN times we've had. When dh is at work, we act like total lunatics and laugh until it hurts. We do when he's home, too, but he's just not as crazy as us. But things have changed. We adopted a messed up kid with an attachment order and the peace we had in our family has never been the same. She causes me so much stress. We've sought help twice and it was a complete waste of time and money. The closeness our family once shared isn't even comparable, and a lot of it has to do with her. I honestly thought adopting would absolutely be God's will, now I'm not so sure. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and honestly, I do have regrets. I'm sorry, most of you won't understand that, but to have a child do everything in her power to get you NOT to love her, it eventually works. I really regret adopting. And let me say, I'm having a REAL DOWN DAY today, so that is playing into my emotions right now. My MIL and BOTH my parents almost died 3 years ago. We have spent the past three years caring for them. My husband and I are burning out. Dad died last August, my MIL is in a nursing home, and I'm caring for my mom at home. She's on Hospice now and is fading but they told us today she likely has weeks left. Two weeks ago they told us we have 1 - 2 weeks left. I rarely leave my mom's side because she's afraid when she's left alone. I'm exhausted. I love doing this, but it's also hard. Having mom here for almost five months has been the best thing I've ever done, but it's come at a price. We've had aides in the house every day for 8 hours, sometimes more. Nurses come. Family comes to visit mom. We have had NO time alone with just our family in five months. My brother and sister will be staying here until mom is gone. We have NO privacy. I do think this is playing into it, but don't know if it really affects my boys. I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like we've completely failed them, and honestly - I had to put them in school to deal with our adopted daughter, and putting them in school has slowly caused this wall between us to build more and more. it has NOT been a positive experience AT ALL. Our house has been neglected, our yard, once lush and beautifully groomed, a complete embarrassment. All my years of gardening - you'd never know. It bothers me each and every time I look out the window. So I know we've been pulled in every with direction, and I know we have had ANY enjoyment for summer for three years now. Two summers were spent caring for ailing parents, one summer spent renovating MIL's house so we could rent it out to help pay for her health bills. She owes us money, too, and I don't know if we'll ever see it. My husband just spent a week in AZ with our younger son. It was a business/pleasure trip. My son told me it was the most fun he's ever had. Then today he awakes, with hubby's insistance, at 11:15. He's told to feed the dogs (his chore) and I didn't even think to do it as I was up last night with panic attacks due to my mom's situation. Yesterday was a bad day, today is better for her. I was So tired today I didn't even realize what was going on. I go up to talk to the boys and they're both livid and they say they hate living here, they can't wait to be out on their own. They think we're disrespectful parents and don't care about them. Honestly, where has my head been? How could I not have known? I've been crying all day. I hate thinking like this, but I will be getting some $ when mom goes to be with dad. I was starting to look through flyers to buy my oldest son a car. I wanted to take everyone on vacation to make up for what has happened. My boys don't want to be with us. They hate living here. Honestly, how could I have been so clueless? I really thought we were a close family. I can say for SURE that the amt. to which they HATE chores and rules is NOT normal. We have a LOT of chores on our farm but I always wanted our kids to work and learn to work hard. I guess they hate me for it, but that's only part of why they hate it here. I do remember hating living with my parents as a teen, but honestly - they were never involved in my life. We've been there for our kids EVERY step of the way. I really thought we had a special family life, as did our friends. How could I not have seen the truth? I'm just so devastated right now. I'm watching mom dwindle away, and watching my boys grow further away. I'm too weak to do anything about it right now. I just can't. Please pray for me. If I never knew what depression felt like before, I certainly do now. Sorry for rambling so long, and I know I'm one of the "older" women on the board at 46, but I'd especially like to hear from moms who have had rocky roads with teens. This is So hard and I never thought I would experience it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kfamily Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MIch elle Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 (edited) :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Edited June 20, 2009 by MIch elle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 :grouphug: You have a lot lot lot on your plate right now. Is there any way you could get some counseling for yourself? Sometimes it helps having an impartial ear to dump on. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4kiddies Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 :grouphug: You can only deal with one thing at a time. Focus on your mother for the time she has left and then you can work on everything else.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tricia Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I am so sorry Denise. I will pray for you. Life has a way of putting us in dark tunnels where the light never seems to shine. And even them, sometimes it's just a small crack or so. Also, I think with your boys that it is normal to NOT remember the good times because when we are in the midst of the bad it seems to go on and on and on and on until somehow we just "accept" the bad as being our "life", even though that's not true. But it doesn't take much darkness to cover the light I have found. You can have say only a bad month but somehow that month seems to wipe out all that was good. Don't know why that is. But it is true that pain hurts, we feel it, we are aware of it constantly until it is totally removed. And sometimes that just seems to take forever. But always remember, WHEN LIFE GETS TOO HARD TO STAND, KNEEL. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkpan Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 :grouphug: I am sorry, Denise. I have prayed for you, and it is when we fall apart and KNOW that we cannot do this life, that we are most able to be supported by Him. I pray that you find that comfort. It sounds very hard, but it also sounds like you are in the very worst of it this moment, and that your pain is compounded by your exhaustion. May you find true rest and peace soon! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaylk in tx Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 :grouphug: I would say they're reacting to the extreme stress the entire family has been under for the past 3 years, and especially these past few months once your mother had to move in. Please look into counseling for them as well as yourself. A good counselor can help them process their grief and anger to help them through this time. (yes anger, because your energy and focus has been on your mother. a grownup can understand why it has to be that way, kids not so much) again, :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Oh Denise. I'm in tears right now for you. I think I'm seeing my mom through you. My mom and dad adopted three children, one of whom had an attachment disorder. I know my mom went through a lot of these same emotions you are going through. :grouphug: You really do have a LOT on your plate. I'll pray for you and your family. You sound like a truly wonderful person. Some day your kids will look back and realize how blessed they are to have you. Right now they're teenagers who are thinking of nothing but themselves. I'm so sorry it's coinciding with this difficult time in your life. Can you sit down with all of the kids and explain all of this? (Maybe not about the adoption, but everything else.) I mean - really explain it - cry if you need to. Let them see how this is affecting you. :grouphug: and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacie Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 (edited) You and your sons are viewing the world with two different perspectives. You're older and the past two or so years you've been intently caring for your loved ones have been long and traumatic. However, your sons are looking at the last two or so years and, because they are younger and their frame of time reference is smaller, it seem like so much more. Two years when you're 15 is a much higher percentage of time than two years at your still young but a little older age. ;) As they age and their frame of reference expands, they will be more able to put things in better perspective and appreciate all you are doing for your entire family...extended, adopted, by marriage, and by birth. Give them as much attention as you can, be firm, and love them. This time is short and your mom needs you too. My prayers are with you right now. God bless you all. :grouphug::grouphug: Edited June 19, 2009 by Stacie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Savannah Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Denise, You are a brave woman, who is carrying an enormous load right now. Please don't be hard on yourself, there is so much stress in your life right now. I would agree with Jennifer, that since your children are at school, their perspective might be a little distorted.....sit them down and talk or even cry your way through the sadness, the heaviness, and ask for grace from them. I had to do that at one point with my children, and they were very supportive once they understood the picture. God knows your struggles, Denise and He is so loving towards you. Blessings, Heather Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 :grouphug:My heart goes out to you. We took care of my mother for about a year before she went into a nursing home. It was a very difficult year. We also had a buisness in our home of caring for Veterns and had 3 teen/pre-teens. When mom had to go into the nursing home I felt so guilty until I was sitting with my family and something happened that we all started to laugh. I laughed until I cried. I realized that it had litterally been months since I had laughed. You said that your brother and sister will be there until your mom goes home to be with the Lord, are they helping pick up the slack or are they extra people to care for. They need to be 2 more sets of hands at your house to do whatever you need. While they are doing some of the things for your mom possibly you could take some time to first off get some rest, then spend some time with each of your children. Our youngest two are adopted and I have said many times it has been the most wonderful, most difficult thing I have ever done. I am so glad that we didn't have other young children at home when we were blessed with them. I honostly don't know if we would have made it. When your life settles down a bit I would advice you to see a councilor that specializes in rad children. One of the things we were told is a rad child does not have to associate with the councilor. You are the one that needs to meet with that person. My prayers are with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I can't even give you any advice, but a lot of :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. You are one amazing woman, really and truly. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I will try to post more later but right now I just wanted to say :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Denise, I am so sorry for all you're going through. I have no words of advice. My oldest is only 13yo and I have enough trouble with him that I can't handle that I'm not in any position to give advice, but I can empathize. And I will pray for you, for strength, and for your family to be strong. Could it be that your boys are just under a lot of stress and upset about the prospect of losing grandma, and they're blowing things out of proportion and saying things they don't really mean? I hope that's the case. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East Coast Sue Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 :grouphug: I can understand the difficulty of parenting a child with an attachment disorder. My son has RAD and I have two older children. It is a challenge. There are days when the only thing I can do is cry b/c it is so hard. My kids have changed. My family is not the same. I have changed too. My marriage is strong but it is different than before. I know part of your pain. It is not something that your friends can probably understand. With the added burden of caring for a loved one who requires round the clock care and is deteriorating.... well, these burdens can only be lifted & comforted by the Lord. I am so sorry. I wish that I could help you more, but the truth is my son's RAD is just way more than I ever expected and I really don't know what to say. I will pray for you and your precious children. :grouphug: Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Share Posted June 19, 2009 :grouphug:My heart goes out to you. We took care of my mother for about a year before she went into a nursing home. It was a very difficult year. We also had a buisness in our home of caring for Veterns and had 3 teen/pre-teens. When mom had to go into the nursing home I felt so guilty until I was sitting with my family and something happened that we all started to laugh. I laughed until I cried. I realized that it had litterally been months since I had laughed.You said that your brother and sister will be there until your mom goes home to be with the Lord, are they helping pick up the slack or are they extra people to care for. They need to be 2 more sets of hands at your house to do whatever you need. While they are doing some of the things for your mom possibly you could take some time to first off get some rest, then spend some time with each of your children. Our youngest two are adopted and I have said many times it has been the most wonderful, most difficult thing I have ever done. I am so glad that we didn't have other young children at home when we were blessed with them. I honostly don't know if we would have made it. When your life settles down a bit I would advice you to see a councilor that specializes in rad children. One of the things we were told is a rad child does not have to associate with the councilor. You are the one that needs to meet with that person. My prayers are with you. Honestly, my siblings being here is wearing me out. They're both mentally ill. My brother is of NO help at all. He sits and watches tv all day. He used to not eat until I weighed on him. When he's hungry and if he needs something, I tell him to help himself out, I won't be serving him. My sister is very difficult, overpowering and irresponsible. Yes she's helped out a TON around the house, but after caring for mom so long, I really wish she'd do more for her. I left the house to get away from her two days ago, and I was shocked when I went to change mom several hours later, sis hadn't changed mom since the night before. She sat in everything for about 15 hours. Do I honestly need to tell her to change someone who's incontinent? She also feed her something she shouldn't have had TWICE and mom had days of diarrhea from it - mom has ulcerative colitis. I got mad the second time, so sis blew up, in front of the Hospice nurse. I was mortified. Instead of dealing with a bully, I kept changing mom myself and nearly cried each time for my sister putting my MOTHER through it. My sister is going to go home for a few days since we were told mom has weeks, and I'm so glad. I may have to ask my brother to as well, but it's hard to because I know he's struggling SO much right now he doesn't want to live. When he's home alone he is enslaved to negative thoughts and suicidal thoughts. This is also overwhelming. So I think we may have to have him stay, and yet I don't know if we can. I need to go give mom some food and walk my horse. He always makes me feel better. Ya know, my therapy. ;) Thasnk you ladies, it was really hard for me to post. But I really am having a hard time grasping the situation at hand. And I also know I'm exhausted. I've also had to deal with siblings and care for mom myself while being sick for 5 days now, an I think mom has a slight fever. Please pray for my mom, Lorraine. She said "scared" several times a few nights ago, has expressed her concern for my brother (so having a hard time letting go) and yesterday she awoke saying "please" over and over and over with tears running down her face. She was also in pain and we started morphine two days ago. This is just a very difficult time. Thanks So much for your prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Love doesn't solve everything. I know this for sure. And yet, still we must love. God made us to do that. God bless you for loving everyone in your family so much! I think that you have to get through this passing before you can address anything else. It sounds like you're in mourning for many things. I'm so sorry. I wish you lived close by. I would organize all the nice people I know to bring you meals, take in your siblings, and fix up your yard. What a hard time you have had, with everything piling up at once! Just realize that your boys are probably in mourning, too, about their grandparents and also about your old family life, and that they are probably speaking in anger and grief. Not very compassionate of them, but the teens can be a very self-centered age, and although I know that they really hurt you, I think that in the long run they won't feel this way about their family. That doesn't mean that you should go out of your way for them this minute; I would wait until everything settles down and the other relatives leave town; but after that you will have a chance to make things better. Not right, just better, good in a new way that really works for you. This wears you down for sure in the meantime. But it's not forever. Breathe. I'll be praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Alfred Academy Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I can't even give you any advice, but a lot of :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. You are one amazing woman, really and truly. :grouphug: :iagree:and here are some hugs from me...:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. Frankweiler Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 :grouphug: I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. You'll be in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jensway Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug: Praying for your family. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Big hugs to you, Denise. I don't have teens but I wanted you to know that at your ds's ages I was a very angry girl. I resented my parents and the role they were playing in MY life. And they are excellent parents, much like you. When I hit 21 I realized that I hadn't been fair. When I hit 23 and got married I realized that maybe they weren't so restrictive. When I hit 28 and had a baby I thought I was a really awful daughter for being so rebelious (although I do think I could have been a lot worse!). Now, at 38, dealing with a mom who's mentally ill and a dad who's physically ill, I'm giving back. It's my turn. They'll come around. Hang tight. My dad always says, "When you reach the end of your rope, that's when you have to tie a knot in it and swing for awhile." Good thoughts are being sent your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lollie010 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Your despair reminded me of Jonah's prayer. Meditation on this has gotten me through many dark hours. Jonah 2 1Then Jonah prayed unto the LORD his God out of the fish's belly, 2And said, I cried by reason of mine affliction unto the LORD, and he heard me; out of the belly of hell cried I, and thou heardest my voice. 3For thou hadst cast me into the deep, in the midst of the seas; and the floods compassed me about: all thy billows and thy waves passed over me. 4Then I said, I am cast out of thy sight; yet I will look again toward thy holy temple. 5The waters compassed me about, even to the soul: the depth closed me round about, the weeds were wrapped about my head. 6I went down to the bottoms of the mountains; the earth with her bars was about me for ever: yet hast thou brought up my life from corruption, O LORD my God. 7When my soul fainted within me I remembered the LORD: and my prayer came in unto thee, into thine holy temple. 8They that observe lying vanities forsake their own mercy. 9But I will sacrifice unto thee with the voice of thanksgiving; I will pay that that I have vowed. Salvation is of the LORD. Laurel T. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alphabetika Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I am not dealing with the same situation as you are with your adopted dd (though my brother and I are adopted and he was very difficult for much of his childhood, so I can see from a sister's perspective) but I do have a bit of insight into parenting during stress. As another poster said, your kids may be reacting to the general stress level in your house. Kids are so powerless, and they're so sensitive to their surroundings, especially their homes because they're immersed in what's happening there, with often little idea what's REALLY going on and, of course, no power to change anything. About three years ago we went through a very stressful time, with my mom being very ill and on life support, expected to die. Praise God, she lived, but her recovery was hard. During this time, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and died a year later. While I was caring for them (not in our home, but driving to their home 30 minutes away, sometimes daily) my dh had to have emergency back surgery, which disabled him for 2.5 months afterwards. I can say, without hesitation, that that year-or-so period when I was caring for everyone was the hardest parenting time of my life. My dd's were feeling all of the stress along with me. God is good and we made it through. My dad died, and my mom moved in with us, and God has made an awful situation into a blessing. My girls calmed back down and now are able to see the good that came out of that whole time. But it was hard for me to see that then, and impossible for them to see it because they just didn't have the skills or maturity. I just want to encourage you. God is faithful. Hang in there.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen sn Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I PM'd you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Oh my. You are dealing with more than anyone is meant to bear all at one time. I don't have a lot of advice at all. I am just so sorry. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonshine Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 First, I have 5 boys, including 4 ages 16 to 21, (and a very macho acting husband) and while I am not an expert, I have learned a few things the hard way. Men and boys are not good at figuring out why they feel bad. So they tend to blame Mom. In fact most kids blame Mom if they are not happy. Mom is supposed to make everything better and make life good. This happens with boys even more because they are even more clueless about why they are not happy. I don't mean this to be critical of them, it actually helps me to have mercy on them and not to take it as personally, as hard as that is. I think even the dog would be super stressed out with all that is going on at your house, much less your sons. They probably don't really feel the way they expressed themselves, and when the dust clears and life has returned to some semblance of normal for awhile, will change their attitudes. Also, I recently heard something that makes a lot of sense. The only way males above a certain age are allowed to express their feelings is through anger. So if they're sad, they get angry instead. I think your sons are learning valuable lessons through your example of caring for family even when it's incredibly hard. They are growing character right now instead of being happy. In the long run, character is more important and allows for lifelong happiness. I'm sorry for how unbelievably hard your life is right now. You are a fantastic woman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Your kids will remember the good times. They will also see what an amazing thing you did adopting that child. I am so sorry you are going through this and I will be thinking of you. You will make it through. I know you will. Don't buy the kids cars to make up for it though. The best thing you can do with that money is take care of yourself and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Denise you are going through the dry desert right now. This is the time to draw on friends or church members to help. You are taking care of your dying mother and cannot take care of your family the way you would do otherwise. Can you get a helpnet of friends together that can help with chauffeuring kids around, bringing meals, inviting kids over for afternoons to give you some peace, etc. This is where friends (or church family) come in. It sounds like you have little support in this monumental struggle at this time in your life. Make your need known and don't be shy. People love to help - most people anyway! Teenagers typically have a limited view of things and it is often - also typically - self-centered. Wait another five years and you will hear how they remember the fun times as well. They may also understand by then the great love you and your dh have to adopt a child with such emotional issues. It's too early now, they are too young to see the full scope of it. Wait a few years and meanwhile...breathe! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
9GreatKids Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 The thing you need to remember about kids is.....during the years that they are old enough to attend school, and are living at home....your only as good as your last time at bat. You may provide them with a comfortable home, delicious food, much laughter, and the security of parents who love each other. What a young mind recalls is...what have you done for me lately? The bumpy moments...when they just want to get away...when you haven't done enough for me lately..they aren't the moments they take away with them when they leave home. Our three oldest are in college, and when they are home and traveling memory lane, it isn't the really tough times that stand out...it's the moments when we laughed. Give yourself and your troops a bit of slack...and hang on! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted June 20, 2009 Author Share Posted June 20, 2009 Denise you are going through the dry desert right now. This is the time to draw on friends or church members to help. You are taking care of your dying mother and cannot take care of your family the way you would do otherwise. Can you get a helpnet of friends together that can help with chauffeuring kids around, bringing meals, inviting kids over for afternoons to give you some peace, etc. This is where friends (or church family) come in. It sounds like you have little support in this monumental struggle at this time in your life. Make your need known and don't be shy. People love to help - most people anyway! Teenagers typically have a limited view of things and it is often - also typically - self-centered. Wait another five years and you will hear how they remember the fun times as well. They may also understand by then the great love you and your dh have to adopt a child with such emotional issues. It's too early now, they are too young to see the full scope of it. Wait a few years and meanwhile...breathe! :grouphug: honestly, friends have been wonderful and wanting to help. Once we found out that mom only had 1 - 2 weeks left, we kind of closed into ourselves, only picking up the phone when we were up to it. Friends offered meals, but honestly, I'm SO tired from having people at the house every day, I went out and stocked up on things easy to prepare or already made and ready to heat. Food hasn't been an issue. But today the Hospice nurse said weeks, so I may need to get that help. I just want some space for a little, and I may take it by leaving mom with siblings and going to friends house for the night. thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
battlemaiden Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 I am moved to pray. Nothing is impossible with God. You are in a valley. Seek Him. I pray God will hold up your arms in this time of exhaustion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
battlemaiden Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 The thing you need to remember about kids is.....during the years that they are old enough to attend school, and are living at home....your only as good as your last time at bat. You may provide them with a comfortable home, delicious food, much laughter, and the security of parents who love each other. What a young mind recalls is...what have you done for me lately? The bumpy moments...when they just want to get away...when you haven't done enough for me lately..they aren't the moments they take away with them when they leave home. Our three oldest are in college, and when they are home and traveling memory lane, it isn't the really tough times that stand out...it's the moments when we laughed. Give yourself and your troops a bit of slack...and hang on! Good advice. You stick around miss just visiting 9GreatKids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rowan25 Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug:We had an adoption fail because one of the children was undiagnosed RAD. We eventually had to have her removed from our home so we could protect the other children in our home. She was that violent and dangerous. It was absolutely the worst experience I have had. While she was lovely and had great personality, sometimes it was like have evil personified living in our home - and she was only 5 years old. We were crushed that the adoption failed, that it failed so dramatically, and it has had very long lasting effects on all of us - especially our other children. I found great online support thru a yahoo group called RAD FAS kids. If you are not a member, you may want to join. They had a wealth of knowledge and love. Otherwise, I will remember you in my prayers. You are under a great deal of stress caused by a great deal of uncertainty and loss. such a difficult place to be in.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 :grouphug: Hang on, we'll be praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Oh my heavens. Bless your heart. You are stretched so thin right now. My prayer is that your sweet boys (the ones you and I both know still love and care for you) will come to understand why things have been the way they are lately and that it is NOT your fault. God bless you. I struggle with depression too - and when you get down there, it is so very hard to come back up. May God's love and strength surround and comfort you now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Hugs!:grouphug: I wish I could be of more help! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarfoot Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Prayers and :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 :grouphug: You and your family will be in my prayers. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lgm Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 I just wanted to add that your children in public school may have counseling available through the district. We found it quite helpful during the year one grandparent dealt with cancer and passed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 :grouphug: I will be praying for you and your family. You are just stretched too thin. About your boys - one thing you have to remember about teenagers is that their emotions are like rollercoasters, and they have no filter. They just say things. Things they wouldn't say or mean two hours or two days later. It's hard not to take those things they say to heart. I have had teenage boys tell me they were moving out as soon as they could, would live as far away as they could, etc. The one that I heard that from the most often is 23 and still living at home.:001_smile: He tells me all the time how much he appreciated me teaching him school, making him behave, etc. At the time, he thought I was abusing him. They have to grow up to appreciate the things you have done for them. My 2nd son is in Afghanistan. I talked to him on the phone last night and it broke my heart because he was so homesick. Your sons are too immature to appreciate you. They will do it in hindsight. Hang in there and remember you're not superwoman. It's hard enough to do everything you're doing without dealing with teenagers. I'll really be praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 :grouphug: You can only deal with one thing at a time. Focus on your mother for the time she has left and then you can work on everything else.:grouphug: When under stress we tend to see everything in a hopeless light. Things will be better after your burden is lighter. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milseain Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Denise, I'm so sorry. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Feel free to PM me with anything, any time. You can't deal with everything right now. You just can't. Ask God to. Hand it over to Him, even if its just for now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paisley Hedgehog Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 My husband just spent a week in AZ with our younger son. It was a business/pleasure trip. My son told me it was the most fun he's ever had. This reminded me of a book called "Hold on to your Kids" by Gordon Neufeld. Talks about how to reconnect to your kids when you feel sooooo far apart. I remember a suggestion in the book was to take the child one-on-one somewhere away from home (like camping) and spend time alone together. Sounds like your dh and ds did that on their own and already saw some of the benefits. The book has many other ideas like that to reconnect. Some ideas are big, like the trip idea, and others are small daily rituals that promote closeness. It won't solve everything, but maybe it will help a tiny bit. And I agree with what everyone else said. Teenagers can be brutal with words and totally oblivious to how much they can hurt you. And they also grow up and remember the good things over the bad, once some time has passed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rita Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 very gentle hugs to you. I've been praying for your family, and will continue to pray for them, and you Rita Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Just adding my voice to the teen situation. My oldest was an only child for 8 years. She never liked her younger sisters and they were all scared of her. The only person she was nice to was me. She didn't get along with her dad. Long story there. Anyway, she was always telling me that she couldn't wait to move out. And when she did? She accused us of kicking her out :confused:. We moved her into Grandma's house on good terms when she had already been out of high school for a year (19yo). Over the next year she really changed towards her sisters. At first they didn't trust her because she was being so nice. It has been almost 3 years and she gets along great with them. She is constantly wanting them to come spend the night at her house (13 & 11yo) and she drives half an hour to come hang out with us once a week. Even though our relationship has improved, I know how badly it hurts to hear them say things like that now. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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