Overprotective or reasonable?

[Amber in AUS]

DH has been asking for a while now to let our DC have a sleepover at his parents house, for no real reason.

 

So far i have said no on the grounds that it isn't necessary. There is absolutely no need for them to stay away from us at the moment, and we don't just live around the corner, we live just over an hour away (that's an hour each way). They have never stayed anywhere by themselves before. I have no problem with them being watched for a few hours but so far that opportunity has not arisen.

 

DH says his Mum is on a limited 'life' time frame. She is an unwell kind of person but doesn't have any diagnosed life limiting diseases like cancer. She has had a double heart bypass and has ongoing kidney and liver issues. She would not be able to physically care for the kids herself so FIL would need to be present at all times. DH feels that i am robbing my kids and his Mum of something. We do visit there semi-regularly and we have stayed there on occasion all together.

 

My personal feelings are that i don't want FIL bathing my small kids. I don't want him wiping their bums on the loo. It all just makes me feel very uncomfortable. I have similar feelings about my own father. I don't want him doing those things either.

 

My oldest DD is capable of bathing, dressing, caring for herself in their home but why would i send her? I just don't get it :confused:

 

So am i being totally overprotective or reasonable in my thoughts?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dh and I have had the exact same conversation. And I feel exactly the same way that you do! So my vote is that you are totally reasonable.:D

[Amber in AUS]

Thanks Jean. It is so hard!

[Unicorn.]

Reasonable. Maybe you could visit her more. With her health issues, I would try and convince dh that extended visits w/ out you there, could be detrimental to her health.

[Joker]

I grew up in a home where we were very involved with our grandparents. There was nothing weird or wrong with our grandads helping out the girls if they needed it. One of my grandads I was very close to and I know he must have done some bathroom duty when I was younger. I don't think it is any more strange than my dh helping our dds when they needed it when they were that age. I am glad my parents allowed us to spend so much time with our grandparents because they were great influences in our lives.

 

ETA: I wanted to add that one of my gma's (the one I was closest to ) had parkinson's disease so she was not as capable as my grandad to handle some things. I am so glad that my parents didn't limit my time at her house and with her because of their worry about my grandad taking on the bulk of my care. She remains to this day one of the most influential people in my life.

Edited July 28, 2010 by Horton

[oldskool]

I feel that way too. My parents live just an hour a way, but we never left the kids overnight. Now that they are older I probably wouldn't mind, but when they were small, I would have worried too much and been very uncomfortable with leaving them. My parents are really wonderful people who love us very much, but there are just certain boundaries we have with each other. We have just got into the habit of packing a lot of fun into our day trips.

 

Lesley

[Impish]

As far as your feelings towards your FIL assisting the kids with bathing, yes, I honestly do find that to be a bit unreasonable. Unless there's a history there that makes him untrustworthy, I honestly don't understand the hesitation.

 

I'd have to go with your dh on this one. Time alone with their grandparents would be a blessing to everyone. The grandparents obviously are yearning for this time with the kids, the kids would benefit from one on one time with them, and you and your dh get a NKW...No Kid Weekend. Something that any marriage can benefit from now and then, imo.

 

Unless they're neglectful, abusive, toxic ppl, have given you reason to distrust them with your children, I'd let them go.

 

Nobody knows how long we're here for...They may not be around or able to have a sleepover a few years from now.

 

Let them go, or even just the eldest. In too many families, my own included, such a thing isn't even remotely doable, and I wish so much that my children could have those experiences, and I know it colours my response, which is why I mention it.

[Amber in AUS]

I do try really hard to go out of my way to visit them when we are passing, or organise things that they can be included in. We have met up half way for lunch and a trip to the playground for example. Maybe i just need to be on the front foot a little more and hopefully that will be enough for DH.

 

I am all for them forming close relationships i just don't see that they need to be there one on one to do it. I have VERY fond memories of fishing on the beach with my Grandad and extended family as a small child. I had an excellent relationship with him and he passed when i was 6.

[Joanne]

My personal feelings are that i don't want FIL bathing my small kids. I don't want him wiping their bums on the loo. It all just makes me feel very uncomfortable. I have similar feelings about my own father. I don't want him doing those things either.

 

My oldest DD is capable of bathing, dressing, caring for herself in their home but why would i send her? I just don't get it

 

So am i being totally overprotective or reasonable in my thoughts?

__________________

 

Yes, I feel you are being unreasonable and overprotective. To the degree that I think you might want to consider working out whatever issues you have relating to the normal scope of parenting and grandparenting, which includes baths, diapers and toileting assistance.

 

In the absence of other issues (severe boundary violations, actual safety concerns, addiction, undermining parental authority), I think children, parents and grandparents benefit from liberal amounts of shared time, both in common and in solo.

[Impish]

I do try really hard to go out of my way to visit them when we are passing, or organise things that they can be included in. We have met up half way for lunch and a trip to the playground for example. Maybe i just need to be on the front foot a little more and hopefully that will be enough for DH.

 

I am all for them forming close relationships i just don't see that they need to be there one on one to do it. I have VERY fond memories of fishing on the beach with my Grandad and extended family as a small child. I had an excellent relationship with him and he passed when i was 6.

I guess the biggest reason for the one on one is that its important to your dh, and obviously his parents as well, since they're doing the inviting. I can see this becoming an ongoing issue, because what you're saying, at the bottom line is that you don't trust his parents unsupervised with your children, and that's got to be a painful thing for him to hear. Even if you don't mean it that way, its almost guaranteed that that's what he's hearing.

 

Like I said earlier, unless there's a problem that you haven't shared (and not saying you should or have to, just basing my responses on what you have said) I'd let them go...Even if its just the eldest, to 'test the waters' so to speak.

 

Also, I know how much one on one time means to the kids. Wolf has always made a point of one on one time with the kids, and it means the world to them, time alone with Daddy makes them feel special. Time alone with grandparents would do the same, and would enrich their relationship.

[Rosie_0801]

You can't invite them to stay with you? I tend to think your hubby is right, but I'm not in the situation because I wouldn't trust my dad or my mum's partner with my kids and I don't like my inlaws and I don't leave my kids with people I don't like, even if they are related.

 

I think I would compromise, in your situation, by sending Flossie and Bugsy for an over-nighter. Chicky seems a bit young to me.

 

Rosie

[Amber in AUS]

You can't invite them to stay with you?

 

I have just done exactly that. They are going away in August for a 6 week trans Atlantic cruise and tour of the US so i have invited them for a weekend before they go. We will see if they take it up.

 

I guess i could send Flossy & Bugsy, but if they want to come home it is a long way to go get them in the middle of the night! They wouldn't even go to sleep for DH when i was in the hospi with Chicky the other weekend because Mummy wasn't there :001_huh:

 

Oh, and to the PP's the IL's have not once called me and asked if they can take my kids for the weekend. It is DH pushing that we should take them for a sleepover as far as i know his parents have never directly offered to him either.

Edited July 28, 2010 by Amber in AUS

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

Oh, and to the PP's the IL's have not once called me and asked if they can take my kids for the weekend. It is DH pushing that we should take them for a sleepover as far as i know his parents have never directly offered to him either.

 

In which case I would wonder if it is about dh wanting them to have grandparent time as much as him wanting totally alone time with his wife. Even if it is not overnight, perhaps it would be a good time to plan a date with your dh.:001_tt1:

[Food4Thought]

Since you asked for a reason to send them, I'll tell you that staying over at the grandparents' house is a kid's equivalent of going to a magical fairyland full of rainbows and dancing flowers. My kids absolutely ADORE sleepovers at Grampa & Gramma's. And they don't even doing anything I'd consider "special." They're having a sleepover tomorrow night, so DH and I can go out for our anniversary. The kids love it. The grandparents love it. I love the chance to spend time with DH alone.

 

I think you should consider that it might be something special and magical for both your kids *and* their grandparents to have a sleepover. If you're uncomfortable with baths, say "no baths" and only make it one night. It might be that DH has fond memories of similar experiences and that's why he wants to let the kids go. But if you're not comfortable with it, then you have to go with your feelings as a mom.

[Rosie_0801]

I guess i could send Flossy & Bugsy, but if they want to come home it is a long way to go get them in the middle of the night! They wouldn't even go to sleep for DH when i was in the hospi with Chicky the other weekend because Mummy wasn't there :001_huh:

 

They sound too young to me, then. Have you actually spelled it out to him? "They wouldn't sleep for you, in their own beds, when I was away. Does it make sense to send them an hour away? Do you really think they would enjoy that?" Sometimes they don't connect the dots. If he doesn't care whether they would enjoy it or not, then a dot connecting conversation really needs to happen.

 

Oh, and to the PP's the IL's have not once called me and asked if they can take my kids for the weekend. It is DH pushing that we should take them for a sleepover as far as i know his parents have never directly offered to him either.

Sounds like he's bullying the wrong person! If he wants them to stay over, he should be trying to coerce his parents in to wanting them!

 

Can you all invite yourselves to stay there? Of course if they don't take you up on your invitation, I guess I wouldn't feel obliged to try that either. I would feel more like saying "Sorry Husband, but they don't seem to care, and I'm not going to traumatise the kids to try and make them care. If you want them to see more of the kids, you need to talk to them, not me about it."

 

It is tricky. My dh was just wondering the other day why it has taken his parents 6 weeks to decide to come and see their grandkids now we're actually in the same town. Some grandparents are happy to know they have grandchildren, and are quite content to see them four times a year and that's it. We can't make them be interested, and I'm not going to traumatise kids in any way to try and make them.

 

As a pp said, maybe he just wants a date night and hiring a babysitter will do the trick...

 

Rosie

Edited July 28, 2010 by Rosie_0801

[jld]

Trust your gut, Amber.

 

I'd actually like to repeat that in bolded caps, but . . . I won't.

 

I always thought my dad was a molester/sexual aggressor at heart, and guess what? A few years before my dad died, my niece told my brother Grandpa had aggressed her. Other stories came out. I was so relieved when he died. And still felt scared of him, even dead, months later.

 

As sad and sickened as I was about the whole molestation/sexual aggression thing, I also felt vindicated. People had always thought I was overreacting to my dad, and was "disrespectful" to him. Funny, they stopped saying that after the thing with my niece came out. I'm glad I stayed away from him, and kept my kids away, despite what anyone else thought. Sometimes you just know.

 

Just trust your gut. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Just trust your gut. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

 

I sort of disagree with this..

I mean, I agree that as a mom, we should definitely trust our gut if someone just gives us the "creepies".

 

But in this case... OP has said that she is uncomfortable with both FIL and her own father taking care of her children. This makes me think that she would feel the same way about any male (other than DH of course)... and that is slightly.... overprotective thinking to me.

And again, in this case, it DOES matter what someone else thinks. Shouldn't DH have just as much of a say as she does? Why would mom's feelings come before dad's?

 

Now, take this with a grain of salt. This is coming from someone who RARELY leaves my child with anyone else. She has been left with only a handful of people since she was born. And I'm a single mom, so maybe I don't understand the whole, mom's feelings vs. dad's. But it just seems to me that they should at least have an equal say in this disagreement.

[elegantlion]

Since you asked for a reason to send them, I'll tell you that staying over at the grandparents' house is a kid's equivalent of going to a magical fairyland full of rainbows and dancing flowers. My kids absolutely ADORE sleepovers at Grampa & Gramma's. And they don't even doing anything I'd consider "special." They're having a sleepover tomorrow night, so DH and I can go out for our anniversary. The kids love it. The grandparents love it. I love the chance to spend time with DH alone.

 

I think you should consider that it might be something special and magical for both your kids *and* their grandparents to have a sleepover. If you're uncomfortable with baths, say "no baths" and only make it one night. It might be that DH has fond memories of similar experiences and that's why he wants to let the kids go. But if you're not comfortable with it, then you have to go with your feelings as a mom.

 

:iagree::iagree:I had no relationship with my grandparents. By the time I was born, one set already 30 grandkids, what's one more. The other side didn't care who I was. I felt like I missed out on knowing a lot of family heritage because I was never close to them.

 

We purposely cultivated a relationship with my parents and ds. He stayed with them several times as a young child. Going to mama and papa's brings great joy to him. He and my mom are buddies. We currently live 800 miles away (used to be an hour) and are now planning to move back because we miss them. My son misses them terribly. He has his own bedroom there and his entire disposition changes when he is around them. My son has permission from us and my mom to call her anytime to discuss anything. We wanted him to have someone beside dh and I that he could talk to and we would trust, especially as he becomes a teen and may need to vent about us. :tongue_smilie:If we hadn't spent time building that relationship he might have chosen another person for mentorship, one that did NOT respect or understand our values. In your shoes I would ask myself if the In-laws are someone you would allow your dc to take advice from in the future.

 

I would examine WHY you feel this way. Is there a gut reason why you feel it is wrong or is it just discomfort. If that bathing makes you uncomfortable I agree to make it one night and no baths. Maybe make it a special trip for the eldest for one night.

 

I think a relationship with grandparents can be a valuable part of your childhood.

[Aggie]

Two or three kids, your dc's ages, are a lot of work. It might be overwhelming for his parents to even think about having them there overnight.

 

You might feel differently if MIL was going to be the main care-taker. My dad is a great father and grandfather, but he could not handle taking care of 2-3 young children for an extended period of time, esp if my mom was sickly.

 

I think you're doing the right thing for right now. If your in-laws were begging to have them over, that would be another story. If your MIL was well and could do a good bit of the care, again...another story.

 

IMO, I think you're being reasonable, logical, and thoughtful. There are many ways and times to build relationships. Sleepovers need not be one of them. I see no "issues" you need to work out, and I applaud your parenting!:001_smile:

[Lolly]

Overprotective. However, I would not send all 3 at once. I would loan them out one at a time, at least at first.

[keptwoman]

My vote is also overprotective.

[Carrie12345]

I vote overprotective. I can't bring myself to go as far as saying it's *wrong* for you to feel the way you do, but yes to overprotective.

 

I'm fairly anti-babysitter. I haven't left my kids with a non-family member since 2005, and that was with our upstairs neighbor mother/daughter team, who we were very close to, and only when *really* necessary. But my oldest 3 go back and forth to Grandma and Grandpa's what seems like all the time. Many times for mulitple-night stays. And that's been going on since my oldest was 2.

 

For us, it's just... normal. The kids go, get spoiled, and get a break from me ;).

 

FWIW, my youngest only goes overnight when it's really important. Like when I had surgery, or another procedure that put me in bed for 24 hours. My in-laws no longer want to have to deal with diaper or toilet help.

 

Dh grew up staying with his grandparents often. I grew up staying with my grandparents often. They're some of our best memories.

[Mom0012]

My feelings on this would be mostly based on whether I thought my children would be happy, comfortable and safe spending this time with their grandparents. I send my kids to have special one-on-one overnights with my parents a few times a year because they absolutely adore my children and my children love them deeply in return. They get very excited about visiting with Grandma and Papa.

 

My husband has tried to force a relationship between his parents and our kids, and after his sister died, he tried going over there and spending the night with the kids once in a while. The grandparents never asked for this and I don't think they wanted it. On one of these occasions my husband had to call me to calm my sweet little 3 year old girl because her grandfather had "lost it" with her. Even on a day visit, my son has called me to see when he can come home. My kids do not feel comfortable with them (they are not warm and fuzzy people and I honestly don't think my husband's mother is interested in them at all) so I would never send them overnight by themselves unless there were some sort of emergency.

 

As far as your feelings about the grandad helping with the bathing and such, I don't share those feelings, so I'm not really sure where you're coming from on that. I'm not saying you don't have a reason for them or they aren't valid, but I don't share them.

 

Lisa

[nd293]

I'd agree with Impish and Joanne - unless there's a reason not to trust FIL, there should be no reason he should provide personal care to your dc. It sounds as though this is important for the grandparents, and I do think there are aspects of a child-grandparent relationship that can't develop when Mom and Dad are there. Dd has a relationship with my mother that is separate from her relationship with me, and as dd gets older I see more and more how important that one-on-one relationship with an older family member will be in her development. I am so incredibly grateful that they have been able to develop a close relationship.

 

More generally - dd was 3yrs when she first slept over with my mother. The "right" age depends on the child and the relationship with the grandparents, I think. Dd was used to my mother providing care for her at our home during visits. Still, it was a big deal, as we are a hands-on, co-sleeping family.

 

Having said that, I wouldn't jump straight in with a sleepover, especially with the younger ones. If it were me, I'd do a few full-day visits: you drop the kids off, then head out with dh to enjoy a day to yourselves. After you've done that a few times, you extend it to after dinner and bathtime. If everyone is at ease, you could leave them for an overnight visit, or possibly just leave your oldest two.

 

Nikki

Edited July 28, 2010 by nd293
Clarity

[catz]

My parents have done overnighters with both sets of grandparents since they were toddler age. And both sets of grandparents have various health issues - 2 have had bypass, 1 has had cancer, 1 has severe arthritis. I have no problem with it. The biggest problem is they're so spoiled when they get home they are crabby for a day or 2! :001_smile: It's also a wonderful break for our marriage. So I don't feel like I can analyze your situation. Maybe you have reason to be concerned. But regular visits to their grandparents are a big part of my kids lives.

[Peela]

I also sense overprotective, but perhaps there would need to be more of a bridge first. Also, your kids might pick up on your anxiety and get stressed about it. If you were going to do it I would make sure you werent also sabotaging it by being too fearful- kids are sensitive.

I would have no problem allowing my kids to stay with my mum and her boyfriend...but i live too far away. We go together every few years. MIL lives down the road and has never even babysat, but its because she is tied up with a severely autistic daughter and has little left over for gandkids- she tries.

I think staying at granma's is a great thing to do generally speaking, (I hope there is no swimming pool though) but also 2 and 4 are a bit young...maybe just the oldest as a special treat? I agree with your dh...time with grandparents is often limited and precious and even a brief relationship can touch us our whole lives.

[SproutMamaK]

I also vote overprotective. It sounds like you have a problem being overly suspicious with men in general around your kids. That being said, the GPs might not even be interested, as it seems like this is something that's coming entirely from your DH. Nonetheless, if a relationship like that with his parents is something that he really wants for his kids, I think it'd be a good thing.

 

As far as their issues with you not being there, would it help if you guys first spent a night over there together as a family to get them more comfortable there? Since your DH is so insistent about this, he might be excited to set something like that up.

[Farrar]

I feel it's overprotective. It saddens me how our culture increasingly demonizes men and assumes they're all pedophiles. Obviously, we all have to use our guts when something or someone seems off (and train our kids to do so to! and to tell us when something is amiss!). However, I have sons, and I don't want them to grow up into a world where everyone thinks they're sexual deviants once they hit puberty solely based on their gender.

 

Just my humble opinion.

[lmrich]

Sorry, but I vote overprotective. Now what bothers me is that your oldest two wouldn't settle down at your own house and go to bed for their own father. It sounds like you do everything, but is that because of your overprotectiveness and control, or because your husband is not involved? I believe you need to spend more time thinking about this one. Are you going to let your issues keep your children from having other healthy relationships?

[katemary63]

As far as your feelings towards your FIL assisting the kids with bathing, yes, I honestly do find that to be a bit unreasonable. Unless there's a history there that makes him untrustworthy, I honestly don't understand the hesitation.

 

 

:iagree:I grew up a victim of child molestation by my own father. And even I wouldn't hesitate to let a loved and trusted grandfather help a young grandchild in the bathroom. If I did, I would have to think that my own daughters wouldn't want thier father to help his grandchildren in the bathroom and I KNOW that would just be silly. He'll be the most wonderful grandfather ever, ready and capable to help in any way. If you have no reason to mistrust grandpa, then there's no reason not to let him help in the bathroom with small children. I'm sure he loves them dearly. MHO.

[I talk to the trees]

I don't think you're being overprotective at all! If the in-laws were begging to keep them, heck, even if they had offered a few times, it might be different. But based on your OP, they haven't made the effort. Mil is disabled, and FIL would have to do all of the caregiving, right? Sounds to me like they may not *want* or even be capable of caring for that many littles overnight, no matter how much they love their grandkids! (Think about it. You're their mom, and even you probably find three exhausting some nights, right?) Nope. I say, stand your ground on the overnight!

 

But...I do agree with Jean on this. Sounds to me like your hubby is craving some alone time with you. Maybe the kids could spend a long afternoon with the grands while you and your dh have a much-needed date prior to the new arrival?

[Ravin]

DD has been doing the occasional overnight at FIL's house (DH's parents are divorced so that's FIL, DH's stepmom, his 19 yo brother who still lives at home, and when she's not away at school, his 19yo sister) since she was 4, and the last 2 summers has spent a several week stretch at my mother's house several states away (my mom, stepdad, and whichever foster sibs are currently in residence there--this year it was 3 yo bro, not quite 2 yo sis, and for part of the time 1 teenage girl). While at my mom's DD also spent an overnight at my dad's (Dad and stepmom, in the next town), and a couple at my sister's (Sis, BIL, 10yo niece, 1 yo nephew, and Sis' OCD hoarder MIL's mess downstairs).

 

Whether I'd deem the 2 yo ready for an overnight would depend on individual personality--DD wasn't ready to stay home with DH overnight at that age without me, but it was at 2 1/2 that my mom (the wondermom that she is) got her to bed once while I was out for the night when we were visiting her.

 

I'd say let them give it a try. You do sound somewhat overprotective, at least of the older ones. If you think your children would be more comfortable in familiar surroundings with different people, perhaps let your in-laws come stay the night while you and DH get away.

[katemary63]

I feel it's overprotective. It saddens me how our culture increasingly demonizes men and assumes they're all pedophiles. Obviously, we all have to use our guts when something or someone seems off (and train our kids to do so to! and to tell us when something is amiss!). However, I have sons, and I don't want them to grow up into a world where everyone thinks they're sexual deviants once they hit puberty solely based on their gender.

 

Just my humble opinion.

 

:iagree:Very good post and I agree 100%!

 

I'm the victim of a pedophile (biological father) and I still agree. I trust my DH and son (I've got an adult son and young daughter) completely and though I'm cautious and aware, I try very hard not to assume anything unfavorable about other men just because of my own experience.

[Laurie4b]

I think the idea of spending the night at a grandparents' home is not only very reasonable but is a memory your children will treasure. Unless you have reason to suspect your fil from his behavior now or in dh's past, I do view that as overly paranoid, and I am a person who did not have male babysitters ever. However, our own fathers, when we know what they are/were like---yes.

 

It might be worth pondering whether this is an issue of false sense of control in terms of being able to protect your children. I think it's very common among moms: "As long as I am with them, everything will be okay; if I am not with them, bad things are likely to happen. " If only that were true!

 

I have absolutely wonderful memories of overnights with my grandparents, and those overnights were frequent. One of my grandfathers (a step-gf) was a grouchy person. Looking back, he was probably on the spectrum and it was hard for him to be around kids who did things out of his routine. Despite this, I have overall good memories of him and totally good memories of my grandmother. My other grandmother wished I was a boy to "carry on the family name" and let that be known on occasion, yet again, my memories of overnights are very positive. I cherish all those memories and that from two situations neither of which was perfect--but then neither was life in my parents' home perfect.

 

Don't let your fear deprive your kids of something that in all likelihood is going to be a wonderful memory for them. If you do, you're beginning a pattern that will not benefit them in the longrun. As they get older, there will be requests to do other things that you fear a bit--the thing will change. Moms tend to want to hold kids close; dh's tend to want to give them wings. They need both. I would listen to your dh on this one. Keep the 2 year old home if you think that would be too much, but let the 4 & 6 year old go.

 

If you've been allowing only a few hours alone, then you might want to work up to it--leave the kids for a day but pick them up an hour or two before bedtime, then do an overnight.

 

An hour is not all that long and if something did happen, you could get there in a reasonable time. I wouldn't hop over just for the first bout of homesickness however. Most kids work through that with supportive adults and are the better for it.

 

As to why the one-on-one: well, all close relationships are a combination, aren't they? I know that since my father has remarried, I desperately want one-on-one time with him, but his wife tends to hover. I am not that comfortable with her--I was an adult when they remarried plus there are some things I would share only with my father. Your in-laws may feel less comfortable being themselves with a d-i-l right there watching and may be able to relax more one-on-one. Plus it is good for your kids to have one-on-one relationships with other trusted adults such as grandparents. There is a difference in the relationship between child and parent versus child and grandparent. One-on-one is necessary for that to develop to the fullest.

Edited July 28, 2010 by Laurie4b

[Danestress]

He is also reasonable. Sometimes reasonable people disagree on things they both have reasonable points of view on.

 

Since he is also the parent, I think his voice on this should be heard and respected. I would probably let them do it if I had no more specific reason than you have voiced not to. Otherwise, I would worry that my husband would always feel sad about it and would blame me in later years.

[JoyfulMama]

Since you asked for a reason to send them, I'll tell you that staying over at the grandparents' house is a kid's equivalent of going to a magical fairyland full of rainbows and dancing flowers. My kids absolutely ADORE sleepovers at Grampa & Gramma's. And they don't even doing anything I'd consider "special." They're having a sleepover tomorrow night, so DH and I can go out for our anniversary. The kids love it. The grandparents love it. I love the chance to spend time with DH alone.

 

I think you should consider that it might be something special and magical for both your kids *and* their grandparents to have a sleepover. If you're uncomfortable with baths, say "no baths" and only make it one night. It might be that DH has fond memories of similar experiences and that's why he wants to let the kids go. But if you're not comfortable with it, then you have to go with your feelings as a mom.

 

:iagree:

Is it possible that your dh has had conversations with his parents about this that you are not aware of? Maybe your MIL is trying to be respectful of you and deal with her son on an issue that certainly seems to be sensitive?

Another thought - if you are worried about being an hour away, make it a real date night with your dh and find a hotel nearby to their home to stay for the night.

Now, I have met my FIL mid-way between us to swap a kid so they can have some alone time with one grandchild. This summer they have had each of my olders overnight and taken them to do something special. My FIL doesn't feel comfortable having them all at one time, so this was their idea.

[Rebecca VA]

I vote for overprotective.

[NanceXToo]

Wayyyyy over protective and unreasonable.

 

Unless you have a valid reason to suspect your FIL of some sort of child abuse, it's a real shame you feel that way about him just because he's a male, especially if he's a loving grandfather.

 

Kids usually adore sleepovers at grandma's. If my kids had a caring grandmother who wanted to spend that sort of quality time with them, and if my kids wanted to go, I'd absolutely love to let them do that now and then.

 

I absolutely understand your husband's feelings, about how you may be depriving his mom of this special time with her grandkids.

 

P.S. this depends on ages at least somewhat though. Babies and young toddlers I was never in a rush to have sleeping away from home, I'm not sure if you said how old your kids are exactly. But in your MIL's situation, if my kids were at least, say, 3 and up (or even 2 if you had a verbal kid who said they wanted to go and I was thinking there may not be many chances to have this opportunity with an unwell grandma), I'd absolutely want to try it, for both her sake and the kids'. And my husband's!

[Dmmetler]

I'd be more concerned as to whether DH's parents could reasonably handle 3 young children for a weekend. I know it tires MY parents out to have my one 5 yr old for even a few hours.

 

FWIW, at 5 1/2, my DD has never spent a night without me there, and only a couple of times a year without DH there. I assume sleepovers and slumber parties are in her future, but not yet.

[Laurie4b]

Sorry, but I vote overprotective. Now what bothers me is that your oldest two wouldn't settle down at your own house and go to bed for their own father. It sounds like you do everything....

 

:iagree: I would evaluate if you've made yourself too central to their sense of security; this will actually create insecurity down the road, I think. Though as pp said, this might be because you have no choice if your dh isn't involved.

[mom31257]

Going to my grandparents' house, about an hour away, was a treat that I always looked forward to. My great-grandmother lived in an apartment in the basement. I remember she always had a pot of coffee on her stove. It would smell so good when I went down there. I usually slept downstairs with her while my sisters slept upstairs. I have great memories of staying there. I even got to live there from the age of 22-24. I was just out of college and had my first job near them. My grandmother is ill now and grandfather passed away.

 

Both sets of grandparents lived in the same town, yet one never asked us to stay. It made me sad that our relationship was not better. It never was, either.

 

As far as what I think, I do feel that it is overprotective, IMHO. Our kids have stayed with relatives and very close friends. Our dd, who is older has done more. She has stayed at grandparents' house as much as 10 hours away. She even went on a vacation 12 hours away with my parents. These were all when ds was still pretty small and having sleep issues. Both sides have had a lot of health problems in the last 3 years, so ds hasn't done as much, but he has stayed with them and my sisters.

 

If you agree to do it, just start with one night. Bathe them one morning, take them there, let them stay overnight, and pick them up the next afternoon late. You can bathe them at home then. I really don't think it would hurt to not bathe for a day, though.

 

Try to think ahead to your own grandchildren. Don't you look forward to having your grown children bring their little ones to your house?

[2squared]

Just wanted to jump in and mention that a one hour drive isn't very long. Perhaps your dh would be happier for now if your family visited more often? My in-laws are 2 hours away, and we regularly visit them. This week we'll see them on three different days. That's more often than usual, but it's very doable even with a two hour drive.

 

My experiences with grandparent caretaking have all been very, very positive. My in-laws have kept my 1+yos overnight. My FIL does most of the caretaking. In fact, his first ever diaper change was for my oldest dd. My MIL got a kick out of that! The grandparents spoil the kids, the kids have a blast, and they grow closer without mom and dad's interference. My 70yo ILs can handle my four dc without issue, so I think a lot of just depends on your ILs. You won't know what they truly can and can't do until you give them some time with the kids.

 

I have a wonderful aunt who is like a grandmother to my kids. They love her beyond reason, and it is all fun and rainbows and magic when they stay with her. Her one-on-one time with my kids have been a wonderful, enriching experience for all of them.

[Guest Cindie2dds]

 

So am i being totally overprotective or reasonable in my thoughts?

 

You are the mom and need to listen to your mama heart. You might not be able to pinpoint the reasons to logic; but if there's a question about anything regarding your children and their well-being, trust yourself. :grouphug:

[proverbs356lady]

When my children were small, my parents took them several times for overnights. They offered and the kids were excited and ready to be away from me and dh. Probably around ages 7-8. On the otherhand, my children have never stayed with IL's overnight without us. They haven't offered so we haven't asked.

 

Prior to the overnights with my parents, they had spent a lot of time with them. First an hour or two, then several hours, etc. That gave them a lot of time to work up to the overnight visits.

 

Maybe you could leave the children with your IL's for short periods of time. Like going out for dinner with your dh and then picking up the kids. Then maybe dinner and a movie. That may be a good way to "test the waters" and see if the children are ready and if the IL's are able. This kind of compromise may satisfy your husband. Maybe he just needs some alone time with mommy.

[FeFe]

 

Well, since you asked, I'd say overprotective if those are your only reasons for not letting them go.

 

If your mil can take care of her own bathroom issues I'm sure she could help the DC as well. You could request that she be the one to handle those instances if you truly find letting your fil help.

 

As far as bathtime - could your dc skip a bath that night? You could take care of that before you take them.

 

One set of my grandparents lived a little more than an hour away. I slept over occasionally with set number one and I always had a wonderful time. I bet my parents did too - enjoying a night to themselves knowing I was with someone who loved me too. We have a good laugh at family gatherings when we talk about one night I spent there. I won't share that story because it might cement your decision to not let your dc go! But it's a great memory for us - one of those, "one day we'll look back and laugh about this" kind of things.

 

Another set lived 13 hours away. We'd visit every year but I know of twice that I spent half the summer with them. One time when I was probably one. My parents were both in the Air Force and for whatever reason, I stayed with my grandparents for a few weeks. Obviously I don't remember much but there are so many pictures of me and grandparents from that visit. They lived at the ocean and when my parents returned they hardly recognized me as I was so tanned and my hair was blonde instead of brown! Then next time I stayed for an extended period was when I was 10 - my favorite summer ever!

 

You are the parent and you have to make the decision. I am very thankful that my parents let me spend time with my grandparents when they weren't around. I'm still very close to them today - even though I'm hours away. We foster that kind of relationship with both sets of my children's grandparents as well.

 

Good luck in your decision.

[Momofeat]

I'm afraid I don't have time to read all the responses, but here's what has worked for us. In our case, Grandma is slow to move around, has had heart surgery, but otherwise in pretty good health. Grandpa is in great health--except he's blind from glaucoma. Both are pretty old. (Grandpa is 86!)

 

We waited until we felt that the oldest one was old enough to take care of herself & use the phone to call for help if there was an emergency with the grandparents. We let her stay 3 nights last month, and our middle dd (7) spent the night for the first time a few weeks ago. That was a short stay.

 

Ds has not spent the night yet, & won't for a few more years yet.

[Guest CarolineUK]

You are the mom and need to listen to your mama heart. You might not be able to pinpoint the reasons to logic; but if there's a question about anything regarding your children and their well-being, trust yourself.

 

 

:iagree:

[kathkath]

go with your gut.

[Parrothead]

You are the mom and need to listen to your mama heart. You might not be able to pinpoint the reasons to logic; but if there's a question about anything regarding your children and their well-being, trust yourself. :grouphug:

Yeah, but he is the dad. He has say-so in the upbringing and care of his children just as much as OP does. Why is it so wrong for him to say his children will spend the night at his parents?

 

OP it sounds like you have issues with older men (or possibly men in general) that you need to work through. I don't know your family dynamics, but it sounds a bit like you have some control issues also. Your dh has just as much right to make decisions for his children as you do.

[Teachin'Mine]

Amber I would feel the same way. Maybe you can schedule a weekend there for your whole family, so they can have some time together. I wouldn't leave such little ones there alone either.