Would you want to know if your 12 yo was an impolite dinner guest at someone's home?

[mrsdash]

That's why I asked earlier why it was rude to ask what it was he was eating. I usually ask if I don't know, but one time I didn't ask and found out after the meal that I had eaten dog. Dog from the pound. :001_huh:

 

OK- that's disgusting and I would have lost my mind.

 

That said, I'm not sure I would be insulted or bothered by someone asking what something on their plate was but it's all in the delivery. "WHAT is this?!" is not polite. You can ask what something is in a manner that shows you are interested or you can ask the way that boy did and what he really might be saying is " This looks gross and I'm not eating it". I got the impression that his delivery in asking the question was the issue.

[Aggie]

 

I think it is inappropriate to try to train other people's children, most especially when they are guests in our home.

 

Our own manners we have control over. Having guests is a good opportunity to practice our good manners. This would, in my opinion, include not drawing attention to our guests' ignorance.

 

When I have guests I try to make sure they will enjoy the food I prepare. I would immediately try to offer an acceptable alternative if I thought my guest was not enjoying their meal.

 

I hope the age of my guest would not make any difference to my manners.

 

(My dc aren't feeling well this am, dh is still sleeping, I have way too much time on my quiet hands this am! LOL)

 

And I'm genuinely interested in your response here. Not being snarky or judgmental.

 

To the bold part: Ever? If they completely went against how you expect your dc to act or speak, you wouldn't say a word?

 

We have children over all the time who aren't raised exactly like we are raising our dc, but that doesn't mean I don't have a high expectation of their behavior. For example, I will not tolerate certain words being spoken.

 

I won't say, "Kid, only *ignorant* people use that word." Instead, "We don't say that word here."

 

When my dc are in someone else's home, I *hope* they are corrected when they do or say something inappropriate, esp if I'm not there. (If I'm sitting right there I expect to be able to correct first, naturally.)

 

If your dc are at g-parent's home, would you expect gp to correct your dc if needed? My mom has trouble with the gp-parent line and is very careful. I want her to say something to the dc or to me about rude behavior so we can nip it in the proverbial bud.

[Aggie]

That's why I asked earlier why it was rude to ask what it was he was eating. I usually ask if I don't know, but one time I didn't ask and found out after the meal that I had eaten dog. Dog from the pound. :001_huh:

 

OMW. There is not enough therapy.....

 

Was this in the US?

[Jennifer in NH]

Yes, Colleen, your meal was "weird food" to many Americans. Soup and salad are courses that rarely enter the menu in many homes. Rolls, of course are commonplace but in many homes are always white.

 

I think the boy made a valiant effort to eat the soup. The comical reaction may have been partly his way of trying to see the humor in the situation. He's hungry, there's only "weird food" to eat, so this was his way of coping.

 

I would never dare to put any food on a guest's plate before asking if they would care for any.

 

I try to *ask* the parents of children in my home what types of food appeal to them. It is part of being a kind hostess. It is not my job to educate my friends or their children about what is appropriate food.

 

We have a family coming over on Saturday for a meal. Dh mentioned the son is autistic and the family has had great luck with going with "eliminating some kind of flour or something from his diet". Since I am pretty "up" on autism, I suspect he's on a gluten free diet. So I asked dh to get recommendations for the meal. The response was, "Oh, anything is okay so long as it doesn't contain flour", but dh said, I did find out they also don't eat beef or fish, so you better fix grilled chicken and veggies.

 

This is just good manners on my part, IMO. I want the family to feel welcome in my home, so I will fix something they will eat. Yes, I might very well go out and buy something specifically for that meal. Even if it were just one child visiting.

 

If the child you describe were visiting my home, I would have been beyond mortified that he did not find anything on the table he could eat. I would have offered peanut butter and jelly, or crackers, or even scrambled eggs. IMO that is part of being a good hostess- catering to the desires of my guests. It is my job to make the child's visit pleasant, not the child's job to make my hosting experience pleasant.

 

Now, if my sons were at a meal where red lettuce was on the plate (I have personally never seen red lettuce period, except perhaps as a garnish in a mixed salad), they would have suddenly been "not hungry". One of them would have taken a few bites of the soup, and perhaps have liked it. The other would have remained not hungry but would have perhaps tried a roll. He won't touch soup, but at least he's only 4. No, I don't cater to them the way I do to guests, but I do try to have at least one thing on the table I know they will eat.

:iagree: If there was still rep, there would be some heading your way!

I cannot agree with this more, or even add to it!

[lynn]

I probably would not say anything but that child would not be invited to dinner. Rude yes, unacceptable yes. If the moms asked how her son behaved I would certainly mention it. Because your children will eat anything I really do not think they would do what their friend did at someone's home.

[fivetails]

That's why I asked earlier why it was rude to ask what it was he was eating. I usually ask if I don't know, but one time I didn't ask and found out after the meal that I had eaten dog. Dog from the pound. :001_huh:

 

Yikes. *shudder* not gonna even go there. Sorry you had that awful experience though!!!

 

To the question of ' is it rude to ask ' - no, I would not say so...again, it can depend on the way you ask...but overall, no.

 

I'm a vegetarian - if someone offered me a casserole or something else where I couldn't be sure if there was meat or not in there, I'd ask...and I would be specific "May I ask what's in the casserole?" -- not "is there meat in this?" ...because people sometimes answer the latter with "no" when what they mean is "no, just that can of tuna that I dumped in there" ;)

[Elaine]

That's why I asked earlier why it was rude to ask what it was he was eating. I usually ask if I don't know, but one time I didn't ask and found out after the meal that I had eaten dog. Dog from the pound. :001_huh:

 

I always ask, too, and no one has ever trashed me on a message board. I ask because I am curious, and usually end up eating whatever is served. Once, in Hungary, I didn't ask and ended up eating some sort of liver dumpling thing that made me sick.

 

I would also never presume to serve someone food. If they choose to sample what is on my table, great. If not, no big deal. When I have people over for a meal my goal is that they enjoy themselves without the pressure of having to behave in a way that I deem appropriate.

 

My boys had a friend who smacked his lips while he chewed. A little gentle correction from my husband and I and he ceased.

[Hillary in KS]

I don't know that I would say it is ALWAYS inappropriate to train other people's children in our home. When you tell a child, "In our home, we do not hit the dog." or "In our home, we do not jump on the furniture." what do you think that is?

 

There's no need to teach a manners course, just quietly pull the child aside and say, "In our home, we try a taste of each new food. If the food is not something we like, we don't make a show. We just _____________." No lecture. no finger pointing. You're just quietly and non-confrontationally explaining what behavior is expected at your table.

[dragons in the flower bed]

And she said she hoped he was polite here at dinner. Well, he wasn't, imo. At all. But does she genuinely want to hear that? Would you? And if I do mention it, what should I say?[/color][/font]

 

I don't know if she genuinely wants to know, but I would definitely, really, earnestly want to know.

 

Most kids wouldn't recognize homemade soup and salad. Most of the "normal parents" I've known serve foods processed and quick, take-out-of-the freezer-and-heat-up. Salad and soup takes forethought, time, and timing. People eat things like frozen fish sticks, prepared rice mixtures, and canned peas. People eat things like hot dogs cut up into boxed, Kraft macaroni and cheese, and consider that a balanced meal because it has meat and a starch. I realize that's not the issue here at all, but I found your lack of food-worldliness endearing.

 

Now I think I will go make some soup. Your description was quite appetizing.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Nah. And it wouldn't occur to me to tell the parent, except maybe to chuckle about it. I consider it a child having what appears to be his first foray into the wide world of Other People's Food that's not TAD. He likely had never seen red leaf lettuce before. And some people don't train their children to not ask questions about foods. He may have been holding back for you, eating-wise, strange as it may seem. His instinct may have been to refuse the food, but not realizing how his reactions came across, his childishness and skepticism got in the way of his intended politeness of eating the unfamiliar food anyway.

 

At his age, it would have been the whole grain roll that threw me for a loop, though I wouldn't have commented. I don't think I ever say whole grain anything until my late teens. Not even rice. Ok, corn, but only when it was on the cob. :-)

 

I wouldn't say anything. This may be the first actually healthful unprocessed meal the kid has ever seen, odd as that may sound. There's a reason that diabetes rates are unchecked in this country. Some people have absolutely no clue about eating well. "Vegetables" means canned corn and mashed potatoes from a box for some folks, and that well may have been the case for this boy.

 

Find the humor in it, take it in stride, and train your kids better.

[teachermom2834]

I would not want to HEAR it. I know that doesn't make sense. I would want to know so that I could address it because I would be humiliated. However, I would not want to hear it from the other mother. So I guess I really wouldn't want to be told. I would address it with the child but I would be so embarassed that I would likely distance myself and not allow my child to return for fear of his behavior in the future. It would totally undermine the relationship because I would feel defensive and "on display" all the time and I would hover to make sure my child behaved.

 

So, while it was wrong for that child to behave that way, telling isn't really going to improve the situation. My guess is that the mother already does know. Which does not necessarily equal her not caring or not doing anything about it. Some of the things my kids pull drive me crazy and it is not due to lack of parenting or permissiveness.

 

FWIW, one of mine would have loved your meal. One would have politely eaten as many rolls as he was allowed and declined the rest. One would have eaten a roll but rudely refused the rest (which we are constantly parenting on). Of course, he's only 6, but too old to be rude IMO. We have homemade soup 2x per week around here and the younger boys still won't eat it. And I don't make an alternative meal.

 

Marie

[KatieJ]

Your meal would be perfectly normal in my house. We eat salad all the time, but my sons would not have eated the salad at that age. One of them is dating a vegetarian for the past 4 years and he still doens't like veggies. He tries them tho. At that age, they would have eaten the rolls and tried the soup. They WOULD not have behaved the way your guest did.

However, I am not sure that telling his Mom would be helpful. If she hasn't taught him how to behave as a guest in someone's home by the age of 14, well, she just should have by now. Maybe it is not important to her.

 

I am a pleaser and I probably would have offered him more rolls and some peanut butter or made him a grilled cheese sandwich. I don't like anyone to go home hungry. My son's girlfriend (the vegetarian) says I try too hard!

[MBM]

Once the hungry teen years hit, your son's friend might begin to like some of those "crazy" foods. At this point, it's just food he doesn't relish.

 

The theatrics were unnecessary, but he was probably genuinely trying to do what he thought was polite by attempting to eat your soup.

 

I'm editing to add that I completely agree with Pam.

Edited March 4, 2009 by MBM

[Snickerdoodle]

 

Was this in the US?

 

Yes. The USA is a land of immigrants.

[Nicole M]

Nah. And it wouldn't occur to me to tell the parent, except maybe to chuckle about it. I consider it a child having what appears to be his first foray into the wide world of Other People's Food that's not TAD. He likely had never seen red leaf lettuce before. And some people don't train their children to not ask questions about foods. He may have been holding back for you, eating-wise, strange as it may seem. His instinct may have been to refuse the food, but not realizing how his reactions came across, his childishness and skepticism got in the way of his intended politeness of eating the unfamiliar food anyway.

 

 

Find the humor in it, take it in stride, and train your kids better.

 

Well said. And like Kalanamak said, I'm guessing she already knows.

 

This reminds me, though.... I should mention to my 12 year old son that it is not considered polite to dip your roll into soup at every house, which is how he eats all his soup, and how he would have eaten it at yours -- sopping up the broth and only then eating the leftover chunks. He doesn't do salad because he can't stand the texture. More for the rest of us, I say.

[Murphy101]

these threads are so interesting...

 

My kids wouldn't have toughed that bean soup. They all hate beans just like their father. The only bean ever eaten here is black beans.

 

About half would eat the salad gladly, the other half would if it was drowned in enough dressing.

 

They all would have eaten the roll most likely.

 

I don't care what she served, the correct response from MY children is to at least taste it (barring health issues) and then either eat what they like or say, "thank you for the wonderful meal - may I be excused now"

 

I would honestly want to know if my child, be it 3 or 13 was rude.

 

I would smilingly say, "He didn't seem to be interested in trying soup and salad, so he might be a bit hungry by now." If a mom told me that, I'd ask my son int he car how the meal went and go from there. I really wouldn't need to know more than that to get me clued in that I needed to talk to him.

 

I wouldn't have made a big to-do over it. Just this is what we are eating and you are welcome to partake or not as you like with respect.

 

And if my son had acted that way I'd want to know so I could discuss privately with him the proper way to handle such uncomfortable situations in the future.

 

All that aside, I really don't think the boy was all that rude. Maybe a bit dramatic, but not really rude. He didn't pitch a fit or refuse the food or make rude comments about the food or even ask to leave the table.

 

And even if you'd served grilled cheese and tomato soup, some of my kids wouldn't have eaten it. or only part of it. Just because a food is common doesn't mean every kid in america eats it.

 

I guess this is just the attitude developed with a large family? There's 11 of us and there is absolutely not anything that every one of them will eat and I certainly am not in the position of time or finance to make what each of us woudl prefer at every meal. It's just life and we don't make a big deal out of it.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Well, I must say that I'm totally flummoxed by the replies in this thread. Am I understanding this correctly? People really find a salad, soup, and a wheat roll to be alien foodstuffs? We have soup, salad, and bread once or twice a week. It never once occurred to me that this would be considered adventurous eating. LOL.

 

My kids would have been right at home.

 

ETA: I'm not talking about kids with sensory or other issues here. Just generalized eating patterns.

 

Ria

 

Really? You're not aware that the typical American diet is mac and cheese from a box, burgers on white buns, dyed dill pickles, french fries with a good coating of trans fat, Peter Pan and HFCS grape jelly on white, Campbell's chicken noodle soup, and chicken nuggets breaded with lord knows what? You're really surprised?

 

That's why this nation is topping the scales and dying rapidly. That's why 8 y/o's are being diagnosed with DM type II and already have plaque in their coronary arteries. It's ain't because of bean soup and salad and wheat rolls for lunch.

[WTMindy]

I don't think it actually matters what was served, to be honest. The kid is old enough to not make a scene. I would definitely want to know that my kids was holding his nose while eating my food regardless of how weird the food was. And, as someone who has salad every night (and NEVER iceburg) I don't think the meal was at all odd or strange.

 

If a kid comes to my house and doesn't like what is prepared I would try and find them something that they like. I don't have the same standards for other peoples kids as I do my own. My own would have to eat whatever I gave them. Granted, I wouldn't cook another meal, but I'd try and give them something. But, I would have made a comment about the nose holding routine to the kid also.

 

And, I would not have brought it up to them mom, but if she specifically asked me I would have said, "Well, other than the holding his nose through the soup, he was polite."

 

But to answer your original question, YES! I would want to know. But, I think I'm not normal that way.

[Snickerdoodle]

Really? You're not aware that the typical American diet

 

My almost 8yo son asked me the other day, "What is a fast food restaurant?" He saw it written in a book (the Building Thinking Skills book to be exact).

[OnTheBrink]

I've had a couple of experiences with kids and what I served them.

 

The first situation, I was babysitting two girls and served them lunch. I served Kraft Mac-n-cheese, fruit cocktail, and baby carrots with ranch. The older girl (who was 6, I think) asked what the food was. I was a little surprised; don't most kids know Mac-n-cheese? So, I told her what it was and she said, "We don't eat this." I asked, "What do you eat, then?" Her response, "Chicken nuggets and french fries. Or chips." Me, "You never have fruit or veggies at home?" Her, "No." I was skeptical at this, but told her that she had to at least try the food. She liked the mac and fruit, but not the carrots. No biggie. Later, I asked the mother about what the girls liked (I was babysitting them long-term) and what they ate at home. She said (and I kid you not), "Oh, I don't cook. I don't have time. We just mostly eat McDonalds or pizza or something." *sigh* I did tell her that we don't eat fast food on a regular basis and that I cook meals, aiming for good nutrition but keeping it kid friendly. She had no problem with that. That was more of a situation where the children just had no experience with what most of us would deem regular food (and the mother didn't feed them well).

 

The other situation involved my correcting a child, and I did it in front of his dad. Once a month, I prepare dinner for Wednesday night church. It's normally 150 people and it's not always easy to prepare meals for that many and have everyone like it. And, there's the budget to consider. Anyway, I can't remember what it was, but one boy would continually say, "Ewwww! I hate that! That's gross!" or some other impolite comment. After several times of this, I stopped him and said, "Robert, you're being rude. If you don't wish to have this, simply say, 'No thank you, I don't care for any.' and move on." Later, the dad thanked me for correcting him! And, that boy has never said any nasty comments since, so I guess it worked. I will add, though, that in our church, it's not uncommon for people to correct other kids for minor issues; normally the parents of the erring child appreciate the extra eyes and ears.

 

In the OP's situation, I think I'd have just asked the boy if something was wrong and if he'd said he didn't like the food or something, I'd have offered him a sandwich. As for what was offered, in my house, that would have been perfectly normal food. Salad is a staple here and no iceberg passes through my door! Soup is a normal thing here, too. The boy may just not have known exactly how to communicate that, so he got a bit dramatic to make his point. I'd not bring it up to the mother.

[Ria]

Really? You're not aware that the typical American diet is mac and cheese from a box, burgers on white buns, dyed dill pickles, french fries with a good coating of trans fat, Peter Pan and HFCS grape jelly on white, Campbell's chicken noodle soup, and chicken nuggets breaded with lord knows what? You're really surprised?

 

That's why this nation is topping the scales and dying rapidly. That's why 8 y/o's are being diagnosed with DM type II and already have plaque in their coronary arteries. It's ain't because of bean soup and salad and wheat rolls for lunch.

 

I think I've been hopeful that most people know how to cook. What a shame. I must admit that I overheard some of my co-workers talking about mashed potatoes. Always interested in a new recipe, I listened. Well, one of them buys the already steamed potatoes in the frozen section, heats them, and then mashes them. One buys the pre-made frozen ones. The other one buys the pre-made ones that are still warm. They looked at me like I was crazy when I told them I start by boiling the potatoes. It's funny, but in another way it's very frightening.

 

Ria

[Home'scool]

I think some issues are getting mixed up here.

 

First, the issue of what food was served. The debate about whether soup and salad is considered out-there to some kids, and what color the lettuce was and whether that had anything to do with it could go on forever. There is no end to the combination of foods and circumstances that could set one kid off and please another. I don't think that what Colleen served is the issue.

 

The issue is that, by 12, a child should know how to conduct themselves at the table. I don't care WHAT is put in front of you! You say "Thank you, this looks good!" and proceed to TRY it (or in the worst case scenario just push it around a bit.) If the child truly does not know what it is, they should say "This looks yummy! What is in it?"

 

It is just like receiving a gift. If a child acted rudely when opening up a pair of gym socks for Christmas instead of a toy, should the actual gift be debated? The only proper response is "Thank you". Being pleasant while a guest in someone's home or accepting a gift is not conditional on the food being served or the gift given.

 

All these things should be taught at home. Period. Otherwise the kid should stay home until they, and their parents, get it right.

 

I think that Colleen would probably have not thought the kid rude for not eating the food, she just thinks his reaction is rude, which I agree with.

 

As far as telling the parent, probably not. It is like telling someone that smoking is bad for them; they know already, or at least have an idea, and they don't want to hear it.

[Murphy101]

As far as telling the parent' date=' probably not. It is like telling someone that smoking is bad for them; they know already, or at least have an idea, and they don't want to hear it.[/quote']

 

 

I agree whole-heartedly withall except this part.

 

The parent might already know, but they won't know that it is affecting their child's life unless it's mentioned. Knowing their kid needs to work on an area is one thing. Knowing their kid is not getting along or not being invited and such because of something is another issue altogether.

[Matryoshka]

I'm the type that would want to know, but on the other hand I don't tolerate pickiness from my kids (not that they don't try), and I hold them to a much higher standard at other people's houses than mine.

 

But I know not all people are me. I also serve bean soup (though that tends to be something even my kids are skeptcial of, but they'll be hungry if they don't and only whole-grain bread (I actually prefer rye that comes in rounds), and I think my kids would wonder what iceberg was than the other way around... :tongue_smilie:

 

If a kid did this at my house, and I did decide to mention something (and I also might decide not to - it would depend on my relationship with the mother) I would be self-deprecating. If she asked how things went, I'd probably laugh and say, "oh, you know me, the health-food nut, I'm so out of touch with what regular kids eat. I tried to make something 'normal' but I think I may have fallen short. But your son made a valiant effort."

 

Now, if he'd been polite, no one would have known he didn't like it, nor would any "effort" valiant or otherwise, have been noticeable. If she didn't pick up on this subtelty, I'd let it drop.

[Amy loves Bud]

Frankly, a child who behaves that way has probably been encouraged by his parents. So, while I would want to know if it were my child, in my estimation this mom probably won't care.

 

I have a nephew who will only eat meat. No veggies, grains, etc. And this behavior has been encouraged and coddled as a cute quirk since he was little. It's beyond annoying. I can totally see this nephew behaving that way, and his mother would just say something about how that's just the way he is, the precious thing.:glare:

Edited March 4, 2009 by Amy loves Bud

[katilac]

I truly think your reaction was far ruder than his original faux pas, which was, after all, only to ask what was on the plate he was served. You could have simply answered, "It's salad, with red leaf lettuce" but your answer was tinged with sarcasm, "What do you mean, what is this? It's salad."

 

"Don't you eat salad at your house?" was even ruder. You then said his mother would not be pleased with his behavior, when his 'misbehavior' to that point had consisted of looking puzzled, asking what was on his plate, and answering your question about his family's dining habits. The poor kid hadn't even taken a bite of dinner yet! I'm sure the evening loomed very long in his mind.

 

It's so easy for us to forget what it's like to be 12. I think most kids would be mortified to be 'called out' as a dinner guest, in front of their friends, by a mom they don't really know, in a home they have never even visited before.

 

You may have felt that smiling as you said it eased the sting, but it may have only made him feel that you were mocking him. Your utter amazement that he asked what a salad was is very apparent to us, and almost certainly was to him - - you say yourself that you stared at him when he asked.

 

This started things off so badly that I don't think the rest of his behavior can be fairly judged. Certainly, I would hope that my kids would never act that way, but it is the nature and essense of kids to surprise us. The moment we get all sniffy about other kids is the very moment ours will choose to humiliate us :lol:

[Harriet Vane]

I don't know that I would say it is ALWAYS inappropriate to train other people's children in our home. When you tell a child, "In our home, we do not hit the dog." or "In our home, we do not jump on the furniture." what do you think that is?

 

There's no need to teach a manners course, just quietly pull the child aside and say, "In our home, we try a taste of each new food. If the food is not something we like, we don't make a show. We just _____________." No lecture. no finger pointing. You're just quietly and non-confrontationally explaining what behavior is expected at your table.

 

:iagree: Well said.

[Penelope]

 

If a kid did this at my house, and I did decide to mention something (and I also might decide not to - it would depend on my relationship with the mother) I would be self-deprecating. If she asked how things went, I'd probably laugh and say, "oh, you know me, the health-food nut, I'm so out of touch with what regular kids eat. I tried to make something 'normal' but I think I may have fallen short. But your son made a valiant effort."

 

Now, if he'd been polite, no one would have known he didn't like it, nor would any "effort" valiant or otherwise, have been noticeable. If she didn't pick up on this subtelty, I'd let it drop.

 

I think this is a fantastic response. If it were me, I'd want to know (he's TWELVE! He should eat at least a little of what's put in front of him, then tell the hostess he enjoyed it and say thank you. That is not too hard for a twelve year old). I would be a little embarassed, but at least I would know to address it. I do address this with my children already, and I'd hope by twelve they could go to a friend's without a scene like that, but it's possible they'd forget and need to be reminded.

 

I do agree with those that said to let guests serve themselves, even the soup. I would be right at home at your table with the chard and tofu (we have that probably once or twice a week-- the garden is full of chard this year), but even as an adult I like to choose how much is on my plate. My kids will eat just about anything, but someone else's cooking might still be different enough than mine that they might not want as much.

[Nicole M]

Frankly, a child who behaves that way has probably been encouraged by his parents. So, while I would want to know if it were my child, in my estimation this mom probably won't care.

 

Ding, ding!

[Harriet Vane]

I think I've been hopeful that most people know how to cook. What a shame. I must admit that I overheard some of my co-workers talking about mashed potatoes. Always interested in a new recipe, I listened. Well, one of them buys the already steamed potatoes in the frozen section, heats them, and then mashes them. One buys the pre-made frozen ones. The other one buys the pre-made ones that are still warm. They looked at me like I was crazy when I told them I start by boiling the potatoes. It's funny, but in another way it's very frightening.

 

Ria

 

This type of food choice is what drove me to learn to cook. My mother made EVERYTHING from a box, and I liked it well enough. However, at one point we were eating tons and tons of frozen meals, and I actually starting getting stomach cramps routinely. I had a lot of time on my hands (latchkey kid) and decided to try cooking one day. I made lasagna, because it looked like fun. It was fun! And it was tasty. I was hooked.

 

Now, as an adult who has researched a fair amount (college courses included) I find the process behind the packaged food off-putting, and I find the ingredients list on many things unappetizing. I have learned to cook many, many things from scratch and learned that it's just not that hard. Often it does not have to be time-consuming either. The first time I made homemade applesauce I was blown away by how quick and easy it was, and how wonderful it tastes. Same with mashed potatoes. Same with chicken stock. And the list goes on.

 

The problem for many people isn't really lack of time, it's lack of training. We just have not been taught to cook even the simplest foods. We have, as a culture, been taught how to shop, not cook.

[JFSinIL]

When I was a kid, the only salad was iceberg lettuce, and rolls were WHITE. Bean soup was a "dad" thing and no one else ate it (oh - and all veggies came in cans and had to have salt and butter added to be eatable). I suspect the kid was totally overwhelmed by what to you is normal, healthy food - which doesn't say much for what he probably eats at home. he is just reflecting how how has been raised.

 

Need I add - I have changed as a grown-up and would even eat your tofu now ;)

[MBM]

It's so easy for us to forget what it's like to be 12. ... Certainly, I would hope that my kids would never act that way, but it is the nature and essense of kids to surprise us. The moment we get all sniffy about other kids is the very moment ours will choose to humiliate us.

So very true! LOL.

[hornblower]

I think I would want to know so that I could prepare my child better and explain more fully that many people get their knickers in a knot if you don't eat at their homes with apparent gusto, just so the child could make better decisions about attending in the future.

 

I am an adult who rarely accepts dinner invitations because I'm picky. Darn it, why should I (or anyone, any age) have to eat something just to please the cook? I don't like certain textures, I don't like certain flavours & certain things make me gag (and worse. I have had to do some very quick runs to the washroom.)

 

I turned down the option to do a French immersion student exchange in Quebec when in high school for precisely that reason. Looking back as an adult, I'm a bit sad about it, esp. since I've met so many people who have said "but of course any good host family would not make you feel bad about their food, and they would find some way for you eat; that was silly to not go because of that". But then I hear the legions of "I raise my kids that you need to be polite and taste everything on your plate & that's what I expect" and I throw up a bit just thinking about it. Which family would I have gotten?

 

(btw, I do now & I always have eaten a very varied diet; the problem is that things that I don't like are not just 'oh well, I don't really care for it' kind of response; it's a real visceral gagging response.)

 

I'm firmly in the camp that as the host, it's your responsibility to make your guests comfortable. Also, chill about your food. I have sat at dinner tables, drinking wine and eating a roll, and saying no, thank you (with a smile) to everything that is offered. Eating it is out of the question. But it's just one meal. I'm not going to die of hunger if I don't eat anyting at this meal. It's not the end of the world. Why can't we relax about it?

 

There are some homes whose cooking smells are so repellent to me that sitting in the living room is a struggle. There's no way I could eat anything there.

 

So, I think you posted about two separate issues:

-what are the guest's responsibilities to the host regarding food presented

-how does one politely say no; or is declining de facto rude?

 

Do you think it's ok for a guest to say "thank you, but no thank you" to pretty much everything and just enjoy the dinner conversation?

 

Oh, & I hate having food placed on my plate for me. I think people should either serve themselves or if the logistics of passing things around require one person serving, that person asks "would you like some ___" and the guest can say "no thank you" or "just a small serving" or "I've never had that, can you give me a small taste please".

 

So back to this kid. I'd sort of want to know that it caused a 'huff' because it would be a moment to explain to the child how seriously people take this issue, so the child can make decisions on their own about whether to accept these kinds of invitations again.

 

That said, I actually don't think there's any polite way to say it to the mother. It would really depend on how good your rapport with the mom is but any comment you'd make would really be a criticism (of her parenting or her cooking or both) and I can't see how you could make that polite....

[Jugglin'5]

Well, I must say that I'm totally flummoxed by the replies in this thread. Am I understanding this correctly? People really find a salad, soup, and a wheat roll to be alien foodstuffs? We have soup, salad, and bread once or twice a week. It never once occurred to me that this would be considered adventurous eating. LOL.

 

My kids would have been right at home.

 

ETA: I'm not talking about kids with sensory or other issues here. Just generalized eating patterns.

 

Ria

 

yYah this was my initial reaction, too. And for most of the families that we are close friends with, it would be the same way. Then, I remembered how my cousin's family ate, and some of my sons' Little League friends...My cousin used to bring her own can of Spaghetti-o's to our house.

[Murphy101]

My dad would never eat beans because when he was growing up (in an Irish-German family) they were "poverty food" and out of pride his family would NOT put them on the table. And he would never eat poultry because his *whole troop ship* apparently got food poisoning while he was in the air force...from *canned* bird. Meanwhile, my aunt won't eat iceberg lettuce because of celiac disease (I don't know enough to say why) but *loves* beans and roast chicken.

 

Food preferences are funny things. When I was a short-term english teacher in Japan one year, I learned "the missionary's creed" which goes like this:

Where He leads me, I will follow;

What He feeds me, I will swallow.

 

This is what I've tried to teach my kids. However, they're still convinced that mushrooms are excluded!

 

:lol: so true. I've had food poisoning THREE times from spagetti. I literally get a bit quesy if offerred any other than what I've made. And I only make it about twice a year. However, if offerred, I don't say a thing. I just enjoy the salad or the bread or whatever and am honestly "it's great, I'm just not very hungry."

 

my dh refuses to eat bologna sandwiches, pb and j, or pears. says he had so much of it in his lunch box as a kid that he never wants to even look at it again, much less eat it.

 

I only have 2 kids that will eat corndogs. When I was sick with baby #6, the other kids seemed to eat corndogs every day and feel about it like dh about bologna.

 

but several of my children love calamara, shrimp scampi, steak, crawfish, brussel sprouts, and more that I'm thinking many kids have never even seen at a table before.

 

And they've already commented that they hope baby girl starts to be happier out of my arms at breakfast time because they are getting sick of cold cereal for breakfast and the older boys don't make scrambled eggs as good as I do. They have a list somewhere of oatmeal bake and applesauce biscuits, but have mentioned they'd "settle" for fried eggs and sausage with biscuits.

[Jugglin'5]

Frankly, a child who behaves that way has probably been encouraged by his parents. So, while I would want to know if it were my child, in my estimation this mom probably won't care.

 

 

:iagree: I think the child was rude, and I would want to know, but I don't think this mom will care.

[Anne Rittenhouse]

To those in this post who are flabbergasted by folks who don't recognize veg and lettuce....

Here are some clips from Britian....look at her frig....they don't even eat at the table....

 

 

at about the middle of the clip is a section where JO is in the class room with some asperagus....

 

 

and here's a Mum navigating the produce section of her local market....listen carefully... (you only need to watch the first few seconds.)

 

 

This is the norm not the exception for many many people......the folks on this board are self-selecting we pay attention to education, and as a sideline we spend a bit of time in the kitchen. Lots of people have perfectly clean, working, 8 burner hobs and never turn them on.

Edited March 4, 2009 by Anne Rittenhouse
grammar always grammar

[bumbledeb]

(My dc aren't feeling well this am, dh is still sleeping, I have way too much time on my quiet hands this am! LOL)

 

And I'm genuinely interested in your response here. Not being snarky or judgmental.

 

To the bold part: Ever? If they completely went against how you expect your dc to act or speak, you wouldn't say a word?

 

We have children over all the time who aren't raised exactly like we are raising our dc, but that doesn't mean I don't have a high expectation of their behavior. For example, I will not tolerate certain words being spoken.

 

I won't say, "Kid, only *ignorant* people use that word." Instead, "We don't say that word here."

 

When my dc are in someone else's home, I *hope* they are corrected when they do or say something inappropriate, esp if I'm not there. (If I'm sitting right there I expect to be able to correct first, naturally.)

 

If your dc are at g-parent's home, would you expect gp to correct your dc if needed? My mom has trouble with the gp-parent line and is very careful. I want her to say something to the dc or to me about rude behavior so we can nip it in the proverbial bud.

 

I think that I expect that a child's parents will have explained what kind of behaviour is expected in someone else's home. I would imagine that it would be similar to the behaviour expected in the child's own home.

 

If a visiting child were to do something in my home that I simply couldn't tolerate, perhaps something dangerous for example, I would say something. Not sure exactly what, it would depend upon the exact circumstance. I would try to leave the child feeling that I had been helpful and informative, not that I had been drawing attention to a failure in their upbringing. I would try not to embarrass or upset the child.

 

The situation with grandparents and other close relatives may be slightly different. I am not a grandparent yet and haven't given much thought to how I will help in the upbringing of my grandchildren. If my children were rude in front of my mother, she would correct them. Not humiliate them, but she would remind them of their manners. But it's not something I would do with a friend's child.

 

I want to set a good example to my own children. And, in my opinion, it is not good manners to correct the manners of a guest. I would not want my own children to think such a thing is acceptable.

[Snickerdoodle]

Here are some clips from Britian

 

Are those from Jaime's School Dinner shows? Or is there a new series?

[Murphy101]

Originally Posted by Amy loves Bud Frankly, a child who behaves that way has probably been encouraged by his parents. So, while I would want to know if it were my child, in my estimation this mom probably won't care.

I really don't think that's fair.

Let's give the benefit of the doubt here first?

I know there have been plenty of times my dc have behaved in ways that I absolutely did not and would not encourage.

Most kids do things and act differently when their parents aren't around.

We all hope they will be on their best with or without us, but the fact remains for every parent that sometimes they don't meet that ideal goal.

But all a mom can do is deal with what happens when it happens. If she isn't aware, how can she even have a chance to correct the issue?

[Marie in Oh]

she said that she and her dh had tried the "eat healthier thing" and bought a bunch of fruits and verggies. She continued to say that it didn't work for them-- the food just rotted in their fridge and they had to throw it out. I wanted to lean over and tell the dear lady that they actually had to take it out of the fridge and eat it to keep it from rotting. :lol: Oh my.

[Anne Rittenhouse]

This first is from his "Ministry of Food" series, the second two are from "School Dinners"

[bumbledeb]

I don't know that I would say it is ALWAYS inappropriate to train other people's children in our home. When you tell a child, "In our home, we do not hit the dog." or "In our home, we do not jump on the furniture." what do you think that is?

 

There's no need to teach a manners course, just quietly pull the child aside and say, "In our home, we try a taste of each new food. If the food is not something we like, we don't make a show. We just _____________." No lecture. no finger pointing. You're just quietly and non-confrontationally explaining what behavior is expected at your table.

 

I understand your point of view - I've often heard things put this way.

 

To be honest, if a visiting child was jumping on the sofa I wouldn't say anything. If they were hitting the dog I'd view that as a safety issue and would remove the dog.

 

In fact the expression "In our house we __________" implies a criticism of what goes on in the guest's house, I think, and as such it is a phrase I would avoid. It comes back to my own manners. It is not good manners to humiliate someone, or imply that they are ignorant or ill-bred.

[Snickerdoodle]

This first is from his "Ministry of Food" series, the second two are from "School Dinners"

 

I loved watching school dinners. Did you see the one where he went to Italy and talked to the school kids and they could name all the veg he brought but the British kids could not even name simple vegetables?

 

I missed the Ministry of Food series. Must check that out.

[Remudamom]

Haven't read all the replies but I'd probably say nothing unless he was coming again, and then say something like "Better pack him a sandwich, he's not a big fan of my cooking." and leave it at that. Let her draw her own conclusions.

 

I sure wouldn't have let it ruin my meal, it's his problem, not yours.

[LibraryLover]

What awesome links! Thank you so much for sharing these. Jamie is wonderful.

 

To those in this post who are flabbergasted folk who don't recognize veg and lettuce....

Here are some clips from Britian....look at her frig....they don't even eat at the table....

 

 

at about the middle of the clip is a section where JO is in the class room with some asperagus....

 

 

and here's a Mum navigating the produce section of her local market....listen carefully... (you only need to watch the first few seconds.)

 

 

This is the norm not the exception for many many people......the folks on this board are self-selecting we pay attention to education, and as a sideline we spend a bit of time in the kitchen. Lots of people have perfectly clean, working, 8 burner hobs and never turn them on.

[littlebug42]

I have a couple of picky eaters and when they are going places where food is being served, I have taught them to take and eat what they like and say, "No, Thank you" to anything else. I do not require them to eat anything that they do not like. I think it is a wise decision to not say anything. I have seen experiences like this ending up causing more grief than the original incident.

 

I am working on with my kids now to extend that courtesy to myself and other family members now because with us, they feel more free to say YUCK. As a guest myself, if I don't like it, I won't eat it or I will just take a very small portion.

[Crissy]

Absolutely! I would want to know if either of my boys behaved in such a way at someone else’s dining table.

 

I think it is terribly unfortunate that our society excuses poor table manners even in teenagers. There is no reason in the world that the young man's mother, knowing he is a picky eater, couldn’t teach him how to politely decline foods he does not like or does not recognize.

[Plucky]

I try to serve kid friendly meals when kids come over. I have had kids turn their nose up at simple spaghetti and salad and then ask for dessert later. I just let it roll down my back. Most kids that come to my house have good manners. The pickiest kids I know are my niece and nephews. Their parents make them eat whatever is served or they don't eat. They are super skinny because they just don't eat now and it has not expanded their palate. I'm more laid back about food and so far 3 of my 4 eat anything. We're still working on the 8 year old.

[unsinkable]

I have learned something about myself.

 

I have learned that reading about food issues really, really upsets me.

 

It brings up all kinds of negative emotions so I am gonna :grouphug: myself and walk away.