Troubling issue- gentle feedback please

[homeschoolin'mygirls]

Coming out of lurkland to ask. Foe feedback on troubling issue to me. Longtime poster here( proud-winner twice back in the day when we waited for board yo flip)

i am one of 5 children —all adult, youngest 50 years old. Around 10 years ago my parents announced intention to sell house. My sister wanted to buy it and they entered an agreement for her to buy it with intention for her to buy out other children shares  at my parents’ deaths.

Fast forward to today and will reads : house and property becomes hers at time of deaths. No payout of shares to other kids 
She has paid aprx $70,000 to my parents as of now. My parents lowballed selling price to her at $250,000

The property with 70 acres of land, house, other buildings is valued at least half million dollars  with cars, tools, shop equipment, it’s probably even more 

So she’s getting inheritance of well over half million dollars for around 70-100 thousand while the other 4 children get nothing. One brother is getting 2 heirloom guns. My parents are in ill- health and their cash reserves are dwindling  

I talked with my dad cause i thought this had to be a mistake- it’s not. He has always preached fair play  in the will it even says to be kind to each other  

 He recognizes the disparity  but since shes buying it for $100,000 or so   ( currently at 70,000) he feels it should all be hers  and she is fiercely defending her right to all of 

Once i determined that my father’s  choice to give entire inheritance to her was intentional, discussion was over. It feels like a slap in the face, a devaluing of my worth to them  Don’t I matter is what my heart is crying out? 

Help me out, my friends  How can I make peace with this and move on? 

 

 

 

[Carrie12345]

I have zero advice for this situation, but I hope others can help you through this.

I do want to say, as a parent of 5, that this will make me think much more carefully about how to set things up regarding my current house, including the issues of maintenance and appreciation.. While money doesn’t equal love, I certainly don’t want any of my kids to feel overlooked or slighted, and they all deserve to share in the benefits dh and I have been creating FOR our family.

Im so sorry.

[Katy]

Wow. I’m so sorry. In terms of making peace, I’m guessing your parents want to keep the property together, as one, and is rewarding the child who’s trying to do that. Getting therapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy, might help. That teaches you to think differently about things that are bothering you. It’s generally a short course of therapy. 

Personally I’d also question, 1) if they need nursing home care how that would possibly be legal. 2) If sister could even afford the taxes and maintenance on a property like that and afford to keep it. 

[Meriwether]

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Edited April 13 by Meriwether

[SKL]

I assume the folks were trying to avoid the red tape involved in passing down a house to multiple children.  I assume the folks believe(d) they will live long enough that there won't end up being a big difference between what your sister originally agreed to pay and what she ends up paying.  And  I assume the folks believe that your sister will be decent toward you without being forced.

My mom told me that my folks will leave their house to me.  The reason is that, over the years, I "loaned" them at least 3x their original cost of the house.  (It's a rural house, 100+ years old and in disrepair, so it's not a way to unfairly enrich me.)  My mom once said, how will I ever be able to pay you back, and I said, I really love the woodwork in this house.  Why not just leave me the house in your will?  However, I don't know what my siblings will think of this.  Most/all of my sibs are in worse financial shape than I am, and some of them are poor without great housing.  The other thing I don't know is whether my folks changed their mind and decided not to leave me the house.  If that happened, I would assume they had some good reason, and because I don't need another house, I would get over it.

To me, looking in from the outside, the most important thing is the relationship between the siblings in the long run.  I hope you can talk yourself into finding peace and giving your sister grace.  In turn, if she has the ability, she is likely to make sure you are OK financially.

[Eos]

This seems horribly unfair to me and I would be having a very rough time with it, especially that your folks are still alive and have the power to change it. 

3 hours ago, homeschoolin'mygirls said:

they entered an agreement for her to buy it with intention for her to buy out other children shares  at my parents’ deaths.

Was this a contract? Or was the intention unwritten? 

[KungFuPanda]

It does seem horribly unfair, but I’ll bet your parents are viewing it as a home, not an asset. If the only way for everyone to get a “fair share” is to sell the place because sister doesn’t HAVE half a million dollars, I can see why they left it to her. (I’m not saying I’d do the same.) 

Do the other children want to use or build on the property? Will the sister allow this? It might make sense to approach dad and ask for options to use the land. If the only interest of the other kids is cashing out on the investment I can see why it would fall on deaf ears. Once you get emotionally invested in spending other people’s money you’re in trouble. An adult’s relationship with parents should never be about how much material wealth they can get from the situation. If you all get along outside of how they spend their own money, I would let go and enjoy those relationships while you have them. It’s fleeting. 

[Heartstrings]

30 minutes ago, SKL said:

looking in from the outside, the most important thing is the relationship between the siblings in the long run.  I hope you can talk yourself into finding peace and giving your sister grace.

From someone on the other side, it’s really hard to preserve a relationship with a sibling after feeling like they have intentionally, happily, and right to your face screwed you out of thousands of dollars.  If the sibling wanted a relationship they probably shouldn’t have done that.  It’s always preached to the one who got screwed over to “preserve the relationship” but no one ever tells the sibling doing the screwing to not do that in order to preserve the relationship.  At some point it’s not necessarily about the money, it’s about the clarity of who that person is and the realization that you don’t actually want to be in relationship with that sort of person.  
Same with parents who are blatantly showing favoritism and a complete disregard for the feelings of one or more of their children.  Once your parents have deliberately disregarded you its hard to want to preserve that relationship.  
 

Edited April 12 by Heartstrings

[chiguirre]

OP, is the inheriting sister also the one who will have to care for them as they become unable to care for themselves? The arrangement seems more fair if she's the one who will have to take them to appointments, move in when they can't be alone and deal with the unpleasant details of toileting and bathing. That's a lot of in-kind labor (both physical and emotional). 

In any case, your parents have picked their caregiver and they'll have to live with that choice. The other siblings shouldn't feel obligated to care for them if they've been cut out of the will. If it turns out that your parents need nursing home care, they'll have to sell the house to a third party to fund it, especially if they end up needing to use Medicaid to pay for a nursing home.

I know that it stings when parents play favorites, but you (and your other disinherited siblings) don't have to play along. Families involve mutual care, but that's a two way street. Your parents have chosen their level of mutual care and you don't need to feel guilty if you accept that and act accordingly. Not having the burden of caring for your aged parents day to day is a gift too. It may or may not be worth your share of the house, that is yet to be seen.

[Navymom]

Beware of the 5 year look back period for Medicaid. I am in a similar position, although not nearly as much money is involved.

Edited to add-My parents were fully aware of the 5 year look back and somehow figured it didn't apply to them! They are now having to essentially pay twice for a vehicle that they gave to a sibling of mine. 

 

11 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

From someone on the other side, it’s really hard to preserve a relationship with a sibling after feeling like they have intentionally, happily, and right to your face screwed you out of thousands of dollars.  If the sibling wanted a relationship they probably shouldn’t have done that.  It’s always preached to the one who got screwed over to “preserve the relationship” but no one ever tells the sibling doing the screwing to not do that in order to preserve the relationship.  At some point it’s not necessarily about the money, it’s about the clarity of who that person is and the realization that you don’t actually want to be in relationship with that sort of person.  
Same with parents who are blatantly showing favoritism and a complete disregard for the feelings of one or more of their children.  

 

AMEN

Edited April 12 by Navymom

[Bambam]

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Unfortunately one sibling chose to be selfish/greedy, and that relationship, at least within 2 years of death, is completely broken.  

I hope you can find a way to accept this and move on. It is very unfair.  I do wonder if your parents realize all their assets will go to one child and not the other four. I might also let the other three know, but that's just me. 

As for helping to care for my parents even in this unfair situation, I think I would still try to help as I was able - not financially, but with helping take meals, etc. 

[marbel]

4 hours ago, homeschoolin'mygirls said:

I talked with my dad cause i thought this had to be a mistake- it’s not. He has always preached fair play  in the will it even says to be kind to each other  

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's very hard when parents seems to favor one child. 

When you discussed with your father, did you ask why they are doing it this way?  As a pp mentioned, maybe they are setting your sister up as caregiver.  Do you know if this is the case?

Parents do strange things in the name of "fairness." I had my own situation (which I won't detail here) which "cost" me tens of thousands of dollars when my mother died. Of course it didn't really cost me anything because it was my mother's money.  I understood why she did it so perhaps that made it easier. Still, it took me some time to get over the resentment. 

Anyway, it might help you if your parents could explain their reasoning. Maybe they think your sister will share with you when it's time for her to sell the home/property, but if it's not in the will, it's not likely to happen, especially if your sister is defending this as her right. 

 

Edited April 12 by marbel

[Faith-manor]

10 minutes ago, Navymom said:

Beware of the 5 year look back period for Medicaid. I am in a similar position, although not nearly as much money is involved.

Edited to add-My parents were fully aware of the 5 year look back and somehow figured it didn't apply to them! They are now having to essentially pay twice for a vehicle that they gave to a sibling of mine. 

 

 

AMEN

This. Frankly, they are setting themselves up for a world of hurt if they will need Medicaid for nursing home care because this transaction of selling the property to her for 1/5th or less of its market value will look like an attempt to hide assets and be poorer on paper than they really are.

I suspect that they will not qualify for medicaid, and OP's sister will have to take care of them physically and financially. If she is prepared to do that, then okay. Given that CNA home care here is $25 an hour, $50 for a nurse, and $17 for a hoursekeeper, in a 24 hr day she would be racking up easily $480 worth of wages or over $12,000 a month. At that rate, if she lives with them 2 years and does all the care taking, she has accumulated $264,000 worth of wages. If they live longer than that, the four siblings should be very grateful for the care she provides and gladly hand over the property to her. Having done more than my fair share of elder care, I can say without a doubt that I would have no problem turning over a half million dollar property to someone who was the sole care giver full time for my mother or mother in law. As it is, we do not have anyone but us to manage both of them and their wills/trusts will split the proceeds of what is left with our siblings who have done NOTHING!

So my advice is that if she is going to live with them and take responsibility for them, let it go. If she is not, than yes, I would find that very upsetting though I tend to be of the "it is their money to do with what they want".

[DawnM]

40 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

From someone on the other side, it’s really hard to preserve a relationship with a sibling after feeling like they have intentionally, happily, and right to your face screwed you out of thousands of dollars.  If the sibling wanted a relationship they probably shouldn’t have done that.  It’s always preached to the one who got screwed over to “preserve the relationship” but no one ever tells the sibling doing the screwing to not do that in order to preserve the relationship.  At some point it’s not necessarily about the money, it’s about the clarity of who that person is and the realization that you don’t actually want to be in relationship with that sort of person.  
Same with parents who are blatantly showing favoritism and a complete disregard for the feelings of one or more of their children.  Once your parents have deliberately disregarded you its hard to want to preserve that relationship.  
 

Well said.   100% agree.

I grew up as an only child.  I inherited all of my parent's money.   However, my husband is one of 5 and nothing has ever been "fair" between the siblings by his parents.   We are kind of far down the rung in terms of favorites.   DH says he expects nothing but I would be really upset with his parents if he got nothing.   They have money.   I don't even care if those who are near her and helped her more get more, but not all.    I am all about fairness.  

[Heartstrings]

12 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

This. Frankly, they are setting themselves up for a world of hurt if they will need Medicaid for nursing home care because this transaction of selling the property to her for 1/5th or less of its market value will look like an attempt to hide assets and be poorer on paper than they really are.

I suspect that they will not qualify for medicaid, and OP's sister will have to take care of them physically and financially. If she is prepared to do that, then okay. Given that CNA home care here is $25 an hour, $50 for a nurse, and $17 for a hoursekeeper, in a 24 hr day she would be racking up easily $480 worth of wages or over $12,000 a month. At that rate, if she lives with them 2 years and does all the care taking, she has accumulated $264,000 worth of wages. If they live longer than that, the four siblings should be very grateful for the care she provides and gladly hand over the property to her. Having done more than my fair share of elder care, I can say without a doubt that I would have no problem turning over a half million dollar property to someone who was the sole care giver full time for my mother or mother in law. As it is, we do not have anyone but us to manage both of them and their wills/trusts will split the proceeds of what is left with our siblings who have done NOTHING!

So my advice is that if she is going to live with them and take responsibility for them, let it go. If she is not, than yes, I would find that very upsetting though I tend to be of the "it is their money to do with what they want".

I see your point here 100% but not everyone ends up needing care prior to death.  So far my husband and I have lost 3 parents between us and only 1 needed full time care for about a month.  The other two were easily able to care for themselves outside of the last 48 hours, in our case both spent those in the hospital.  If we, or our parents, had been counting on years of full time caregiving labor to “even” things out it wouldn’t have happened but it would have been too late to go back and rebalance it.  

[Faith-manor]

11 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

I see your point here 100% but not everyone ends up needing care prior to death.  So far my husband and I have lost 3 parents between us and only 1 needed full time care for about a month.  The other two were easily able to care for themselves outside of the last 48 hours, in our case both spent those in the hospital.  If we, or our parents, had been counting on years of full time caregiving labor to “even” things out it wouldn’t have happened but it would have been too late to go back and rebalance it.  

That is always the problem. No one can predict it. This is why ultimately, I think siblings need to be more flexible in their attitude about inheritance. My mother in law was just certain she would never need help. Now we have to either clean her house for her or hire a housekeeper, do all of her driving to the unbelievable number of medical appointments she has, all of her home maintenance of which there had been a lot (even more for my mother), lawn care unless we hire it done, everything. It isn't just about whether or not there is a nurse or care giver there 24/7 or need for a nursing home. She is 100% dependent on us for so much as she is determined to age in place, his siblings do nothing, my brother lives 2 blocks from my mother and does exactly NOTHING, and in the end, we still have to share "fairly" with our siblings. It is what it is and very frustrating. Yet, no parent can ever predict what they will and will not need. 

I do think whichever sibling takes primary responsibility for the care and upkeep of property/he me, probably should have a larger stake in the inheritance. 

As it is, my guess is our mothers will be pretty destitute by the end, and then the siblings will swoop in for whatever crumbs they can find. And then of course the Medicaid look back is always a looming issue.

[Heartstrings]

21 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

in the end, we still have to share "fairly" with our siblings. It is what it is and very frustrating.

Which isn’t fair either and could and should be corrected now to reflect the care and expense you are actively carrying now.
 

 It’s also not fair to just decide to give everything to one sibling before any care or arrangements for care have been made.  The sibling who is getting the house and defending it as her right may very well flake when it comes time to provide care, because that behavior is very indicative of an incredibly selfish person and selfish people seldom do caregiving.  Then that sibling gets all of the inheritance in exchange for doing nothing. 

[sgo95]

My in-laws had no assets when they passed, but my parents are still living and have significant assets, of which I expect to receive nothing. I don't have a healthy relationship with my dad (who controls my parents' marriage) and I fully expect him to leave their money and property to my two other siblings. This does not hurt me, as I am an independent adult child, I feel no right to their possessions, and I am under no illusions as to what my dad's character is like.

I'm sorry that you're in pain. Obviously your situation is different from mine. Do you honestly believe your parents love this sister more than you and your other siblings? Have there been unhealthy dynamics in the past that were hard to pinpoint and the will lays it out clearly in black and white? Do you feel you need financial help more than your sister? (No pressure to answer...these are just questions that cross my mind in this situation.)

Edited April 12 by sgo95

[Alice]

5 hours ago, homeschoolin'mygirls said:

 

Once i determined that my father’s  choice to give entire inheritance to her was intentional, discussion was over. It feels like a slap in the face, a devaluing of my worth to them  Don’t I matter is what my heart is crying out? 

Help me out, my friends  How can I make peace with this and move on? 

 

 

 

Without knowing more about relationships...I'd try and not assume that your worth to your parents is related to the inheritance. My Mom had a smilarish situation with her parents. At the time of their death, her sister was given a house at the beach that their parents had bought but she lived in. My Mom was given the family home/land but with the contingency that it was only hers in her lifetime and would pass on to me (I'm an only child). My Mom was deeply hurt as she felt her parents didn't value her as a person and gave her "nothing". And I understood how she felt but I also could see why they did it. Her sister had been and alcoholic and drug addict and didn't really work and only really had this house, no kids and no family and not much else in life. She had been living in it and they left it to her to stay in. And my grandparents lived in a house that had been in the family for many years and had a lot of surrounding farmland. No part of the family had stayed in the area and I think leaving it in the will so it had to be passed down was his way of hoping that someone would come back. I thought it was shortsighted and hurtful but I also didn't think in anyway that it meant he valued her or loved her less. But she spend the rest of her life bitter over it. 

It sounds to me like your Dad appreciates the idea that the house and property are together and appreciates that your sister seems to value it as well. The will is still hurtful and sucks but may be more about the property staying together than the value is placing on individuals. 

[SKL]

The folks may also be seeing this differently financially - or did at the time the will was done.

1) The perceived /objective value of the house, and what moment in time said value should be looked at.  If the house has increased in value after the time the daughter agreed to buy it, that increase in value should not be taken into account, because it wouldn't be in an outright sale at said time.

2) The fact that the sister is the one giving the folks money now / recently, when their "cash reserves are dwindling."

There might also be things we don't know.  Like, is the sister also helping in other ways, like paying for house maintenance, maid service, utilities, property tax, etc.

When I have helped my folks financially (or any other way), I didn't inform others.  My mom was embarrassed she needed that much help.  Honestly, I doubt even my dad has any clue how much I helped.  So it's quite possible my siblings know little or nothing about this, and could be unhappy if I get more than they get in the will.  I have asked my mom to tell my sibs so they don't get surprised, but I don't know if she did.

[SKL]

Not sure how to say this gently ... but ... if you feel like your dad's value for you is what's in his will ... he may get the impression that your value for him depends on what's in his will.

I hope you are able to work through this and maintain your precious relationship with your folks.

[Faith-manor]

43 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

Which isn’t fair either and could and should be corrected now to reflect the care and expense you are actively carrying now.
 

 It’s also not fair to just decide to give everything to one sibling before any care or arrangements for care have been made.  The sibling who is getting the house and defending it as her right may very well flake when it comes time to provide care, because that behavior is very indicative of an incredibly selfish person and selfish people seldom do caregiving.  Then that sibling gets all of the inheritance in exchange for doing nothing. 

Well, as I said. It is their choice. Legally they can do what they want, and it doesn't have to be fair. As far as relationships, I have already cut my brother off for the most part, and Mark has cut his very abusive, narcissistic sister out of our lives. Mothers will do what they want, fair or not, and only more problems and heart ache will come from pressuring them to change it. I firmly believe children need to never expect their parents to leave them a dime. Never. Then if you actually get something, it will be a pleasant surprise. Estate planning is just an insane thing with most people, and they often do not do any estate planning until they are older, and may e not thinking on all cylinders. We decided back in our forties to make a trust, and then update as needed figuring it was best to do it while we had all our whits about us.

[MEmama]

I'm sorry, that sucks.
 

My sister will also inherit the house and everything in it (Northern California, well over a million dollars). She is supposed to pay my other sibling and I our shares, but it won't happen. She doesn't work, lives with my parents and spends whatever money she comes into on travel. She'd have nothing to her name at all, so this is considered "fair". 🤷‍♀️ It's always the moocher who thinks she gets the least who ends up with the most.

Im pretty much over it by now, I don't think there's anything that can be done. We have no/a very contentious relationship anyway and I'm not interesting in fighting or pursuing anything with her after my folks are no longer here. 
 

It sounds like OP covered her bases, had an adult conversation with her dad and received a clear answer. I think the only thing is to try to find peace with it move on.

[Catwoman]

My feelings about this may not be the most popular, but the thing that stuck out most to me in the OP’s post was that her parents are in ill health. Could it be that this one sister is the person who they can always rely on to take care of them when they are sick and keep the house clean and cook their meals and drive them to all of their appointments? Is she also their daily emotional support?

I’m not saying this to criticize the OP, but to possibly try to explain what her parents’ mindset might be. 

It’s not easy to be the sibling who feels the weight of all that responsibility, and for what it’s worth, the sister may very well have earned the right to that house and property by being the one her parents can always count on, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And if the parents are already in ill health, the sister may very well a very difficult time ahead of her as she watches her beloved parents deteriorating before her eyes and tries to care for them as best she can.

[Spryte]

I’m so sorry that you’re hurt. It stinks, and there’s absolutely a sting — to put it mildly. It’s ok to sit with that, and feel it for a bit. Being hurt by family, your safe people, hurts. It’s a hard place to be. Give yourself some space to acknowledge that.

Then, if it’s difficult to move past that hurt — I’m going to suggest therapy, if you can find that elusive unicorn: a kick-butt therapist. Even an adequate one could do trick, just be sure you connect with that person and can build trust. CBT was most helpful here. It’s not a huge time commitment, an hour a week, and the pay off is enormous.

Everything else — talking to friends, books, etc — was helpful but didn’t teach me to change my thinking and behaviors around the subject in question (whatever that may be).

Hugs.
 

[amyx4]

A nearby town has a very active senior center. That senior center offers lots of information for end of life type things. I would suggest you go find something similiar near you and ask lot of legal and medical questions. I would want all the information about medicare and inheritance and lookback and paying for the funeral and anything else so that I was over prepared. Best to get advice from people that have BTDT. 

If you dad passes first and your mom still is alive she could quickly remarry, change the will and leave everything to her new spouse. 🙄 I'm trying to making a joke out of a very crappy situation..... 

 

[maize]

44 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

My feelings about this may not be the most popular, but the thing that stuck out most to me in the OP’s post was that her parents are in ill health. Could it be that this one sister is the person who they can always rely on to take care of them when they are sick and keep the house clean and cook their meals and drive them to all of their appointments? Is she also their daily emotional support?

I’m not saying this to criticize the OP, but to possibly try to explain what her parents’ mindset might be. 

It’s not easy to be the sibling who feels the weight of all that responsibility, and for what it’s worth, the sister may very well have earned the right to that house and property by being the one her parents can always count on, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And if the parents are already in ill health, the sister may very well a very difficult time ahead of her as she watches her beloved parents deteriorating before her eyes and tries to care for them as best she can.

This is actually how my grandparents arranged things. They lived near my mom's youngest sister, she took care of them in their later years. Thousands upon thousands of hours of care. They left their house to her in exchange. This was an up-front deal and how my grandpa wanted to do things.

I think one sibling might be resentful,  the others understand it as a fair exchange of property for services rendered. No-one else lived close enough and my grandparents wanted a family member to care for them.

[Arcadia]

My parents and my in-laws have no emotional attachment to their homes. So they are okay with the house being sold and split whatever ways because no one needs the family home and would rather get cash.

In your scenario, your sister is interested in the family home when the issue was raised by your parents 10 years ago. While $70k in payments may not seems much, she did made an effort to pay. Also, 10 years ago, property prices were recovering from the property crash. So while $250k is undervalued in today’s price, it could be just slightly lower than a short sale price in 2013/14. 
Assets (including homes) are always emotionally tricky issues in wills. When my late maternal grandma passed, her jewelry goes to whichever daughter or granddaughter wants it. The jewelry ended up with me and I was a toddler when she passed. I had the least time with my grandma and the consensus was I should have it. My grandma had two homes and both were sold, none of the 5 kids could afford to buy out the other siblings. My aunts whose husbands have passed state in their wills that the house be sold only after their single children who have always live there have passed. They don’t want to worry about their single children being homeless. They have 5 to 6 kids and so the single children can’t afford to buy out their siblings. 

[homeschoolin'mygirls]

Wow-thank you for the feedback. I will do my best to address points brought up.  
i tried to quote and totally messes that up. Please bear with me if formati g is messed up. 

My parents are 87 and 85. They need care now. My dad had a major stroke in December.  he is in a SNU rehab and will be discharging home around first of May

 My other sister- not inheriting one- is their full time caregiver and receives a  generous salary for that from my parents. And, believe me, she earns every penny of it.  I helped set that up and do not begrudge a penny of it. I wish the estate could pay her more.

C/G sister provides prob 85% of care. I provide a lot of the other and inheriting sister has been taking every other weekend for last two months although she does say she can’t continue with that. I took 2 months FMLA when he had the stroke and was there to help.

i am a nurse and am well aware of the medicaid issue. The house and land are considered homestead. We are working to get other assets out of their name.
“I hope you can find a way to accept this and move on. It is very unfair.  I do wonder if your parents realize all their assets will go to one child and not the other four. I might also let the other three know, but that's just me. “

This. When one of my sibling brought this up to me, I reassured them that somehow it was an oversight and that my sister and father  did not realize the disparity. I was wrong on both counts. 

My solution/ suggestion was that inheriting  sister  get the house and ten acres around it as well as all shops, cars, stuff on that land. The other 60 acres  could be sold as a unit  and divided evenly between other 4 kids.  She would still be getting bulk of estate- house valued for around 400,000 ,  10 acres land is at lowest value around $70,000, plus tractors, cars, shops with expensive tools, oil and mineral rights. That would work out where other kids would get aprx $100,000 each.

The answer from both of them was a resounding no. 

i never really expected to get much from them and this hit me hard  in unexpected ways emotionally.  My life is full and complete without an extra $100,000. Its the inner turmoil that is causing me grief  

It just hurts, you know?  I just feel so devalued

SKL Not sure how to say this gently ... but ... if you feel like your dad's value for you is what's in his will ... he may get the impression that your value for him depends on what's in his will

This is an excellent point and i am going to think more on it  i have only had the one discussion with him, mostly because I didn't believe he intentionally chose this  i do not plan to talk any further about it  when all is said and done, it is his right to dispose of as he chooses and i respect that  

i’m not interested in fighting his choices or contesting the will. I’m trying to find a way to let it go. I know with my brain that how he gifts the inheritance doesnt equate jow he love us but it’s so hard to feel that it isn’t a slap in the face and a measure of his disregard for me and my other siblings  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 12 by homeschoolin'mygirls
Clarity

[Faith-manor]

25 minutes ago, homeschoolin'mygirls said:

Wow-thank you for the feedback. I will do my best to address points brought up.  
i tried to quote and totally messes that up. Please bear with me if formati g is messed up. 

My parents are 87 and 85. They need care now. My dad had a major stroke in December.  he is in a SNU rehab and will be discharging home around first of May

 My other sister- not inheriting one- is their full time caregiver and receives a  generous salary for that from my parents. And, believe me, she earns every penny of it.  I helped set that up and do not begrudge a penny of it. I wish the estate could pay her more.

C/G sister provides prob 85% of care. I provide a lot of the other and inheriting sister has been taking every other weekend for last two months although she does say she can’t continue with that. I took 2 months FMLA when he had the stroke and was there to help.

i am a nurse and am well aware of the medicaid issue. The house and land are considered homestead. We are working to get other assets out of their name.
“I hope you can find a way to accept this and move on. It is very unfair.  I do wonder if your parents realize all their assets will go to one child and not the other four. I might also let the other three know, but that's just me. “

This. When one of my sibling brought this up to me, I reassured them that somehow it was an oversight and that my sister and father  did not realize the disparity. I was wrong on both counts. 

My solution/ suggestion was that inheriting  sister  get the house and ten acres around it as well as all shops, cars, stuff on that land. The other 60 acres  could be sold as a unit  and divided evenly between other 4 kids.  She would still be getting bulk of estate- house valued for around 400,000 ,  10 acres land is at lowest value around $70,000, plus tractors, cars, shops with expensive tools, oil and mineral rights. That would work out where other kids would get aprx $100,000 each.

The answer from both of them was a resounding no. 

i never really expected to get much from them and this hit me hard  in unexpected ways emotionally.  My life is full and complete without an extra $100,000. Its the inner turmoil that is causing me grief  

It just hurts, you know?  I just feel so devalued

SKL Not sure how to say this gently ... but ... if you feel like your dad's value for you is what's in his will ... he may get the impression that your value for him depends on what's in his will

This is an excellent point and i am going to think more on it  i have only had the one discussion with him, mostly because I didn't believe he intentionally chose this  i do not plan to talk any further about it  when all is said and done, it is his right to dispose of as he chooses and i respect that  

i’m not interested in fighting his choices or contesting the will. I’m trying to find a way to let it go. I know with my brain that how he gifts the inheritance doesnt equate jow he love us but it’s so hard to feel that it isn’t a slap in the face and a measure of his disregard for me and my other siblings  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is really, really hard. Just know that elderly people often do not think straight. So if he came to this conclusion on the dividing of the property after he was already having medical problems, I would especially just breathe deep, meditate, talk to someone you can trust so you have a way to vent emotions that build up, but work towards letting it go. The letting go part, trust me, takes a good bit of time. It isn't conquered in a day so extend some grace to yourself.

[Arcadia]

37 minutes ago, homeschoolin'mygirls said:

I know with my brain that how he gifts the inheritance doesnt equate jow he love us but it’s so hard to feel that it isn’t a slap in the face and a measure of his disregard for me and my other siblings  

I understand it hurts but I am thinking the one most hurt might be your caregiver sister. She is paid for her help but if nothing is left for her in the will, it does feel like she in nothing but the paid help in her parents eyes.
Sometimes, like my in-laws, it is plain favoritism. Sometimes, with my relatives and my husband’s relatives, the child or grandchild that get the lion’s share is the one they deem need the most help. Sometimes, money is already given quietly way before passing. I have money meant for my niece because there is a big chance my brother’s wife would squander the money if my dad pass before my niece reach legal age. 

[Clarita]

35 minutes ago, homeschoolin'mygirls said:

I’m trying to find a way to let it go.

It sounds like you have(had) a good relationship with your parents prior to this. When your parents pass, the inheritance is something you are going to have to deal with but the things that will hit you emotionally are going to be your interactions with them during their lives, and the milestones and events they miss now that they are gone.  Just know it sucks to have your last interaction with someone you care about be a bad one and not everyone knows when the last interaction will be. 

I was age appropriately immature for the last 3 close deaths I've dealt with. Every one I've regretted my last interaction with the person.  Of course to be clear none of this is been there done that because inheritance for me doesn't make sense  in any of those deaths. Even my dad because my mom is still living so it all just went to her. 

[prairiewindmomma]

If you’re not in a situation with your parents where you can openly discuss how you feel, and you cannot change the circumstances (and it sounds like both of these are true), then all you can change is how you interpret and feel about this decision and act accordingly. 
 

IME, with time and distance, I can see that who x relative is now is often not the same person who they were 20 years ago. Cognitively, they changed with age. In other situations, I can see a relative more clearly—that the person who they are at 80 is exactly who they were at 40 but I had my “love blinders” on. Both are hard to live with in the moment, but the former is easier to accept. Every kid wants to feel loved and accepted by and safe with their parents. When a parent fails in that regard, it feels deeply unsettling and calls into question all of the best.

For me, asking myself whether I am taking damage from interacting with a deeply flawed relative helps. Sometimes I can accept and still interact with someone who hurts me, but I have to emotionally step back in the relationship….love them at arm’s length.

[prairiewindmomma]

Fwiw, at complete arm’s length, I can read this as a third party purchased the home without having to find a realtor or market the place, but the purchaser will keep the property intact. The proceeds from that purchase have been spent during their living years, thus nothing remains to be divided among the heirs.  The problem isnt that the land is going to the purchaser. That was decided a decade ago. There is just nothing that remains of the estate.

ETA: a decade ago, my current home was worth $250k. Now it is worth $750k. Prices have tripled. If I bought my home 10 years ago, I would have entered into a contract for $250k….the fact that it is valued for more now is irrelevant.

Edited April 12 by prairiewindmomma

[almondbutterandjelly]

Prairewindmomma has a good point.  Your sister essentially bought the property 10 years ago, with your parents being the mortgage-holder basically.  It's hers.  You are not entitled to her stuff.  

For that matter, gently, you are never entitled to someone else's stuff when they pass.  It is not owned by you and never has been.  It's not yours.  Nothing personal, just factual.

((hugs))

[gardenmom5]

Do your parents understand what the actual value of the property is?  It's common for someone who has been in a place for *a long time*, and who isn't on top of the market, to seriously undervalue.  (a friend who is *an architect*, and built their dream house back in the 80s, was dumbfounded about how much it was worth ten years ago.)

Do your parents fully comprehend they are screwing over the rest of their children in favor of your sister?

I'm sorry.

[SKL]

Another consideration re the value of the house.  The sister has been paying all these years for a house, even though she is not enjoying the free, full use of the property.  (I don't know whether she lives on the property, but even if she does, she's sharing it and not making all the decisions as long as the folks are there.)

When we buy a house at fair market value, we expect the previous owners to get out and let us take over 100%.  Anything less than that would mean a lower property value.

So objectively, it would make sense for the purchaser to pay a price that reflects (a) the fair market value at the time the original deal was made, (b) minus the value of your folks continuing to live there for the rest of their lives.

Another way to look at it would be to treat the payments (say $7,000 per year for 10 years) as an investment.  Normally, an investment of $7,000 per year over 10 years would be worth MUCH more than $70,000 in year 10.  If she'd been putting the money into an investment fund and then took it out after your folks die, the amount would be closer to the value of the property.  But, she's been helping your folks' cash flow by giving the money to them instead of a stock portfolio.

There's really no way for your parents to make sure this works out exactly fairly, without paying the difference to lawyers, bankers, and real estate agents.

[homeschoolin'mygirls]

Just for clarification- this is not a relationship ender for me . I just spent 3 days with him in hospital  while he was treated for uti. Got him home to rehab yesterday.  he calls me 2-3 times daily. I. Dpoke with jim just 20 minutes ago. I am in frequent contact with his doctors and monitor/ manage his medical care. That won’t change 

house was appraised at $350-500  at the time of agreement- they put a selling price of $250,000  she is paying $500 a month   She jokingly told me that it will take until Dad is 102 to pay it off ( he’s 87 now)  at the time of his death, remainder of debt is canceled  and that $250,000 covers everything- all building, tractors, shops with expensive equipment and 70 acres land  

i have no intention of taking this further. I had trouble believing he planned this because he’s always put a focus on fairness  but he clearly stated what he wants done and i will respect that 

As recommended by posters, i am going to look into counseling, take time and let myself have the hurt feeling, meditate on peace and continue with my family relationships. Would appreciate good thoughts/ prayers for inner peace and healing about this  

something else we’re sharing? Turns out he had covid as well as UTI . Now c/g sister, my mom, and I are all sharing that with him as well 😷😷😁
 

[Arcadia]

3 minutes ago, homeschoolin'mygirls said:

house was appraised at $350-500  at the time of agreement- they put a selling price of $250,000  she is paying $500 a month  

… I had trouble believing he planned this because he’s always put a focus on fairness  but he clearly stated what he wants done and i will respect that 

That sounds planned. Your parents decided how much they want to sell to her for and what the repayment terms are. Am I to understand that your parents put a selling price of $250k for any child that wants to buy and your sister was the only bidder?

[Carrie12345]

Now this has me thinking about my own parents, who refuse to discuss any late-stage or end of life issues, despite one of them being in extremely poor health. Sigh.

Between the two of them, they have 5 kids and, as far as I’m aware, modest assets. The 2 kids who live near them (the rest of us are in other states) are the ones who have always needed the most help. 1 other drove their out of state businesses into the ground. If I had to venture a guess, it would be that the assets would get divided primarily by 2, maybe 3. 

Does the financial aspect bother me? No. My sisters’ lives could truly change with the boost. But, as the only “child” who has been left to their own devices since the age of 23 (compared to the rest through their 30s and 40s), I can relate to the sting of “looking out for” some and not others. 

[PronghornD]

My father and stepmother had the remains of a farm when my father died. The fields had been sold off but pastureland, home, farm buildings, and woods remained. My father had seven children and three stepchildren and no will. My younger sister had built an additional home on the land, and when she built that home, she took out a life insurance policy on my father. When he died, the others of us each received something like $11,000 from that policy in exchange for giving up our rights to the land.

It may be too late in life to afford a substantial insurance policy on your parents, but this worked out pretty well.

Edited April 12 by PronghornD

[SKL]

29 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

Now this has me thinking about my own parents, who refuse to discuss any late-stage or end of life issues, despite one of them being in extremely poor health. Sigh.

Between the two of them, they have 5 kids and, as far as I’m aware, modest assets. The 2 kids who live near them (the rest of us are in other states) are the ones who have always needed the most help. 1 other drove their out of state businesses into the ground. If I had to venture a guess, it would be that the assets would get divided primarily by 2, maybe 3. 

Does the financial aspect bother me? No. My sisters’ lives could truly change with the boost. But, as the only “child” who has been left to their own devices since the age of 23 (compared to the rest through their 30s and 40s), I can relate to the sting of “looking out for” some and not others. 

Honestly, it would be best for you not to inherit.  If you inherit 1/5 of a house you don't want, that's a lot of red tape.  It's not as simple as saying "oh that's OK, you guys can have it."

My dad's mom's will was "fair."  Her house was her only real asset, and it passed to her 4 kids, "share and share alike."  2 of the kids didn't want it, but that's not an option without filing legal forms etc..  The 3rd kid was happy to wait to be bought out if that were ever possible.  The 4th kid was, as often happens, the kid who was most needy / least financially successful in life, and she moved into the mom's house and still lives there (and will never have the ability to buy out her siblings).  When her older siblings die, their 1/4 of the house is probably going to be passed down to their children "share and share alike."  Where does it end?

I hope to hand off my assets while I'm still alive.  Probate is annoying.

[SKL]

36 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

But, as the only “child” who has been left to their own devices since the age of 23 (compared to the rest through their 30s and 40s), I can relate to the sting of “looking out for” some and not others. 

It's interesting how different we all are.  Just like when we're raising our kids, "fair" isn't "equal."  Why would it be when we die?  I think the challenge is getting our "less needy" kids to see it as we see it.

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, Arcadia said:

That sounds planned. Your parents decided how much they want to sell to her for and what the repayment terms are. Am I to understand that your parents put a selling price of $250k for any child that wants to buy and your sister was the only bidder?

That's an interesting question.   My husband's grandmother wanted to keep her house in the family and offered it for a steep discount to any family member who wanted it.   No one did, so it sold for market price.

[marbel]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

It's interesting how different we all are.  Just like when we're raising our kids, "fair" isn't "equal."  Why would it be when we die?  I think the challenge is getting our "less needy" kids to see it as we see it.

I agree with you. Except that... circumstances can change. A child may be needy and thus favored over siblings in a will.  Then, later, when it's all over, their fortunes may improve while another's take a downturn. The formerly-but-no-longer needy child is not obligated to help siblings, despite the fact of that boost from the parents. In those cases, yeah, the unfavored child/ren have to accept it.  People are flawed and make decisions based on what they know, and they can't know the future, try as they might. 

(I'm not talking about special needs situations where a child may not ever be able to live on their own/earn enough to live on.) 

 

 

[Carrie12345]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

It's interesting how different we all are.  Just like when we're raising our kids, "fair" isn't "equal."  Why would it be when we die?  I think the challenge is getting our "less needy" kids to see it as we see it.

I don’t really want to derail from the OP, but it IS a long, sore spot. I was a single, 21yo mom who was told to figure it out. My sisters were 30s moms and now 40s moms who have leaned on our parents their entire lives. We COULD argue that’s why I’ve gotten to a much more secure place than they have, but again, money is just money.

[Heartstrings]

Being the “unfavored child ” is going to hurt no matter how much you rationalize that money is just money and of course parents can do what they want with their money.  When what they want is to shower money on the favorite and your left with nothing it’s still going to hurt.  

Edited April 12 by Heartstrings

[Alice]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

  If you inherit 1/5 of a house you don't want, that's a lot of red tape.  It's not as simple as saying "oh that's OK, you guys can have it."

 

This is true. My husband's father left their house to all four siblings. Sister strongly wanted to keep it and didn't want to sell. Others did. Luckily, the one who wanted to keep it was the one who had the best ability to pay for it (she's a single ER doctor). She ended up buying it from all three siblings but even though they had known this would be the plan well in advance and had it all written up and done carefully it was complicated and there were some hurt feelings for various reasons. She paid the siblings off at different speeds, which they agreed to as they had different needs and financial circumstances. With us we essentially treated it like she had a mortgage with us. We had a payment schedule drawn up, that included interest and she paid us each month for a few years. She paid off one brother fairly quickly as he had the largest need. And she paid off their sister second...she had kids in college and didn't want a  influx of money coming that would affect their financial aid packages (she was also a newly divorced single parent who needed the financial aid even if she did get the money), then when the kids were out of college the money was useful to her. We were the most stable financially so got paid off the slowest, which was fine, it was kind of nice having the extra payment each month. But even though it was all fairly smooth as these things go...there were still issues. It think it's just always tough combining families and finances. There are feelings that make things messy. 

[SKL]

1 hour ago, Carrie12345 said:

I don’t really want to derail from the OP, but it IS a long, sore spot. I was a single, 21yo mom who was told to figure it out. My sisters were 30s moms and now 40s moms who have leaned on our parents their entire lives. We COULD argue that’s why I’ve gotten to a much more secure place than they have, but again, money is just money.

Oh, I understand.  My mom used to accept money from me, and then turn around and give it to my siblings, who took many, many more years to get stable (some still not really there yet).  It's not like I was awash in cash back then - I was so frugal for myself that one of my brothers (who was accepting money from my mom) would call me "Mother Teresa" in a taunting way.  I bit my lip a lot.

But I have to admit that I did have intangibles that kept me going and got me out of the red despite all of it.  And I am thankful that I was able to help my folks, even if I didn't agree with how they used the money.  They have a paid-off house, and I don't have to worry about that.

What if I, or you, hadn't had those intangibles?  The whole family might have been considerably worse off.

So I guess I just try to focus on the positive side of it.  At least I am able to provide for my kids, thank God.  There's so much peace in that.

[Scarlett]

I think, expectantly,  but still sadly everyone gets to leave their assets to whom they choose.

I am currently living this with a former BIL who did not see his mom or speak to her the last 15 years of her life.  It is gut wrenching to go through it with these disinherited kids.  My former MIL was a nightmare..very difficult.  She could be angry at a whim……I remember how she left us hanging when we thought she  was going to give us some money toward closing when we bought our first house in 1987.  I learned to never depend on her.  
 

My BIL. actually former BIL, called me last week. I answered and he said, ‘hello sister.’ I have been divorced from his brother for 15 years. But he went no contact at her request years ago.  When she died it was me that was able to get him to respond that yes he knew she was dead. so he was not just estranged from his mom, but his brother….my xh, as well.  
 

MIL has been gone a year and some change…….BIL sees his other brothers…..living life…..some of it obviously involving inherited money. His question to me was……..did my son get an inheritance.  Because he would be super angry if his daughter got nothing but my son did.   These are the only two grand children.She did not have a relationship with either of them. I told him I don’t think my son got an inheritance, but who knows for  sure.
 

The entire thing makes me physically Ill. I cannot imagine being a parent and cutting out one child.  I am struggling with changing my small 100k life insurance policy to be all my husband because I don’t want  to to make my son feel slighted even though we  are old and my son is 24 making more money than we make because of the life we gave him.