I need to work towards scaling back time at DD's but how and when? Please help me brainstorm.

[Ann.without.an.e]

3 minutes ago, Kassia said:

When I had twin babies and a preschooler and was feeling overwhelmed (I had no help and no sleep) I would just chant to myself, "I'm doing the best I can.  I'm doing the best I can." There was just no way I could keep everyone happy at once.  

 

I just don't know how anyone could do it without help. I'm in awe of those who manage to survive. I know that the girls have been unusually challenging but twins in general, like how did you do this? Are you superwoman?

[fraidycat]

5 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

I just don't know how anyone could do it without help. I'm in awe of those who manage to survive. I know that the girls have been unusually challenging but twins in general, like how did you do this? Are you superwoman?

I think the answer to this is along the same lines as the answer I always gave as a military spouse when people asked "how do you do it" about deployments, etc.

The answer is "you just do, because what is the alternative?" You do what you can to get through the day, then wake up and do it again the next day. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Kassia]

15 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

I just don't know how anyone could do it without help. I'm in awe of those who manage to survive. I know that the girls have been unusually challenging but twins in general, like how did you do this? Are you superwoman?

I didn't do it well.  My house fell apart and I was an exhausted overwhelmed wreck at times but we got through.  @fraidycat is right - you just do what you have to do.  Your family is so lucky to have you!  ❤️ 

[lovinmyboys]

I think you have gotten great advice (of course). She has been very lucky to have you for all of these weeks. I’m in the camp that it will be good for her to learn to do things on her own. Maybe you can go each afternoon so she can nap? Can you wait until they are 3 months old? I feel like that is a bit of a turning point. 
 

My dh was deployed when I had a 3yr, 1yr, and newborn and it was really hard. All three of them cried sometimes and I felt guilt and anxiety about it, but that was our life. The newborn was by far my hardest baby. I would have loved to have help, but being on my own I figured it out in a way I wouldn’t have been able to with help. I learned which balls could drop- we needed clean laundry and dishes, but other cleaning could get put off a bit. We ate super simple meals. Those kids are now 13, 14, and 16 and all are doing well. 

[catz]

4 hours ago, Tenaj said:

I would just tell my daughter that I need to scale back and work with her to determination be how that can happen.  You have a husband and son who needs you and  are your primary responsibility and now that the initial crisis is over with the twins, she and her husband need to figure this out.  I would give her one day a week or a morning or afternoon - whichever I could manage and that's it except for special circumstances like illness or a date night. 

It sounds like you have been very involved all the way through the pregnancy to now.  Maybe it's time to back off and let them make their own way even through tough times 🙂

I totally agree with this. 

OP, you sounds like a born nurturer and problem solver as a lot of women are raised to be.  But it is 100 percent ok to take a breath and realize you have your own baby (who is homeschooled, correct?) and home and can't do this forever.  You should pat yourself on the back. You have done TONS more than the average new mother gets.  My first pregnancy was a nightmare and I had blood transfusions and really difficult recovery.  I maybe had a hand full of meals dropped off and my spouse was back at work by 2 weeks.   I didn't know you were also there while she was pregnant.  That is a lot.

If you are gone more, they truly will figure it out.  You don't need to anticipate or problem solve.  Your dd will learn to communicate needs more clearly. Your SIL will start to anticipate what needs to happen.  There will be growing pains. But babies change so fast and they will find ways to do what they need to do.  It will be hard at times.  I would definitely first scale back when SIL is home and then scale back from there.  First time parents relax into those roles over that first year or 2.  It will be ok and it's ok to lay down a boundary and not think you need to solve everything.  All will be well. 

Could you roll some help maybe doubling meals and freezing meals at home for them?  Maybe after you slowly taper your time back you could commit to visiting when your 13 year old is at an activity or something.   Maybe for designated laundry days or with something she would like help with.  With several adult kids, I might try to host a family meal regularly to get everyone together.

Edited May 3, 2023 by catz

[Ann.without.an.e]

53 minutes ago, lovinmyboys said:

I think you have gotten great advice (of course). She has been very lucky to have you for all of these weeks. I’m in the camp that it will be good for her to learn to do things on her own. Maybe you can go each afternoon so she can nap? Can you wait until they are 3 months old? I feel like that is a bit of a turning point. 
 

My dh was deployed when I had a 3yr, 1yr, and newborn and it was really hard. All three of them cried sometimes and I felt guilt and anxiety about it, but that was our life. The newborn was by far my hardest baby. I would have loved to have help, but being on my own I figured it out in a way I wouldn’t have been able to with help. I learned which balls could drop- we needed clean laundry and dishes, but other cleaning could get put off a bit. We ate super simple meals. Those kids are now 13, 14, and 16 and all are doing well. 

They will be 3 months after the beach which is when I’d like to start scaling back. 

[KungFuPanda]

I say make your drawdown plans clear before the beach so they have plenty of time to adjust. Go ahead and make plans for the week after and schedule yourself some time to relax. The beach with the babies won’t be relaxing. 
 

You need to decide what you want and tell them what days you can be there. Maybe 3 days for x weeks, then two, then only if something comes up. It’s a bit like driving. You get good at it when you’re finally alone in the car. I know lots of twin mamas and most don’t have extensive help for months. Their children are grown now and everyone figured it out beautifully. Your Dd and SIL are lucky they’re not trying to pull this off with toddlers in the house. My sister in law’s twins were her 3rd and 4th children.  People do it and your daughter is absolutely capable. 
 

Has she connected with a mother of twins group? They can probably give her valuable advice and support. You are still actively mothering a child at home. You really can’t continue to offer such extensive help and recovering from that kind of work is harder in middle age than it was in your twenties. 
 

I know I’m an absolute hypocrite because I actively campaigned to have Dd and SIL move in with us for at least the first year of Dgs’s life. (He’s 2 months old now) They politely declined 🤣Still, I think my head knows it’s better for everyone if they have the space to find their own way. Besides, half the joy of being a grandmother is feeling rested and energetic when you see your grandchild then have the luxury of resting when they go home. 
 

Of course if my family wanted to build a family compound I’d be all in. 😬

[Paige]

I think you could honestly just tell her that as a mother you need to spend more time with your younger son and you are confident that she's ready. It's hard but she can do it and while it goes up and down, every few days she'll find it easier. Could she actually be wanting you to step back but afraid to say anything? Lots of twin parents don't have help and muddle through. 

Her Dh needs to step up. And she will have to learn her own way for balancing priorities but if she's not ill (PPD or something), she should be able to handle it. Maybe she'll have less time for the crazy making tiktoks. I know everyone's different, but I couldn't really get into my groove until it was just me and the babies- No NICU nurses hovering, no mom, no in laws, just DH, DS, and the babies. She might be nervous and scared but she'll find her way. If you suspect PPD, then disregard the previous, and have some real talk with that DH. 

 

 

[Arcadia]

4 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

They will be 3 months after the beach which is when I’d like to start scaling back. 

Does your daughter have any health issues? Is her husband a picky eater? If not 3 months old sounds good for scaling back as babies start to sleep through the night. My husband is the kind that can eat Chinese style chicken rice daily for years. So meal prep was easy as we bought trays of frozen chicken drumsticks or thighs and portion out servings into ziplock bags as meal prep. I have health issues so that part was trickier. There was no smartwatch then so I wore my flip phone on a lanyard every where I went even at home because I tend to faint. I had my husband and family friends on quick dial on that flip phone and DS18 started talking at 4 months so it helps. When my mom was helping me, I could care more for nutrition. When she flew back home, it was more survivor mode and not having gastric attacks. My husband is great at laundry so that was a non issue. 
 

Is there a grocery store within walking distance of your daughter’s home? Putting my 2 under 2 in a double jogger and walking to the grocery stores to browse and maybe get my favorite treat was great for my health. My boys enjoyed looking around or sleeping in the double jogger and I could browse for new food items to try. I did attached a sunshade (https://s.turbifycdn.com/aah/albee-baby/protect-a-bub-upf-50-classic-twin-stroller-jogger-sunshade-18.jpg) to their double jogger.

[Carrie12345]

I feel like there isn’t much to add to the great responses, lol.

Just to highlight a few - 

Provide some heat and eat meals and grab and go snacks.  
Have a laundry day and a cleaning day (combined or separate.). 
Have a heart to heart about their needs, your needs, and everyone’s expectations.

I’ve never been a CIO fan, but I did need to recognize the difference between CIO and Mama’s Gotta Get Some you know what Done. I didn’t have twins, but I had colicky babies 13 months apart and a FTT food intolerance baby at the tail end, so several who did not like to be put down. It is okay for babies to cry! And getting things done isn’t the same as CIO.

Has dd found any online community supports yet? Moms of twins have a real strong online presence!

[Ausmumof3]

I’m tired so I haven’t read the whole thread but everyone I know who has had twins has had intensive grandparent support right through toddlerhood. Even with a newborn and toddler I felt overwhelmed and twin babies would be worse. Does she have any other support? If there’s two sets of grandparents helping that would take some load off you.

Ive thought over my child raising years and come to the conclusion that the expectations on mums of preschoolers in our society is unrealistic.

[SKL]

1 hour ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Ive thought over my child raising years and come to the conclusion that the expectations on mums of preschoolers in our society is unrealistic.

True!

[And then they become teens and tell you that your extra efforts, such as feeding them healthy food, were low key abuse :P]

[Soror]

I think you have given your daughter and son-in-law a wonderful gift. I would have loved to have any help, never mind consistent help. When ds was first born I did ask but a few hours a couple of times, maybe. When my youngest was a baby and toddler hs'ing the others was incredibly difficult. I really do appreciate what you are doing for her and thank it is a great blessing. I do hope I can help my kids more than I was helped. But I think you are giving of yourself way to much to the determent of the rest of your family. I would start doing half-days now.

[BusyMom5]

I never believed in CIO either, and I didn't!  But with my twins- babies 3 and 4- I do remember that they had to fuss more bc I was busy with another kid.  If I'm changing brother's diaper and other baby starts crying, I would talk to them and say "Oh, Baby!  Mama is changing brother's diaper.  As soon as I'm finished I will get to you!  I'm a busy mama!"  I remember feeding one a day bouncing the other in a bouncer with my foot,  saying similar things " Mamas nursing brother, its almost yoir turn!  Just a few minutes."  

My twins preferred to sleep touching each other.  I think that would help.  If your DD cannot handle that due to fear, maybe get one if those Owl monitors baby wears on her foot that will beep if her stats drop?  I think they both want snuggled and to feel the warmth of another person, the smell and the heartbeat.  Its all they've ever known.  Snuggle them together!  

I didn't have much help with my twins, and I've always said if our girls have twins, I'm moving beside them for the first 4-6 weeks, then visiting frequently!  I wonder if a split approach would work.  Come over in the morning, get everything going, then leave a prepared lunch for DD and promise to be back mid-afternoon to help again.  Go back about 3-6, help get them settled and dinner going, then leave before SIL gets home.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

Next week is DS's b day and I think we will come much later that day. I will let him sleep in and then take him to lunch.

For those who have inquired, DD is doing pretty good now. We are in a far better place now than even a week or two ago. I was worried that she was overwhelmed and teetering on PPD. I'm not as worried about that anymore. Her disposition has been a lot happier and more positive. When I am here, I've been pulling back some and not rushing into help as much. The girls are happier so mama is also happier. Also they are smiling and communicating better, which all helps her disposition as well. 

 

We will go to the beach and then I will start to scale back here. I talked to DD about that today and she actually said she would also love to come to my house one day a week, just to get out of her own house, which would be nice. This would be on top of me scaling back here too. 

 

[ktgrok]

18 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

I just don't know how anyone could do it without help. I'm in awe of those who manage to survive. I know that the girls have been unusually challenging but twins in general, like how did you do this? Are you superwoman?

HOnestly? My grandma had two sets of twins and a singleton in about 3 years. Yeah, her doctor prescribed opiods for the twins, to "help them sleep". Grandma still, 50 years later, was nearly blissful when she spoke of how that "green medicine" changed everything. So yeah, they "managed" but by drugging the babies! She also, I'm almost sure, was on something herself - likely valium. It was the age of "mother's little helper". 

so, maybe explain to your DD that if she feels like others did this better, they had the "help" of strong drugs. 

Oh, and grandma fully admits that with the first set (who looked identical) that she is 100 percent sure she got so tired and confused that she sometimes fed one twin twice and one went without. So if DD is managing to feed both babies, AND not drugging anyone, she's doing better than my grandma did!

[ktgrok]

I think figuring out which is more helpful to her, and then going just mornings, or just afternoons, would be a good step. That way she still has, for a while at least, that lifeline of knowing someone is coming for part of the day, where she can. maybe shower and eat with both hands. But she can learn to fill the day with other stuff the rest of the time. 

I think her coming to you is also a great idea!

 

[matrips]

Are they swaddled?  I would swaddle snugly to mimic the pressure and warmth of a person, lay them down but keep a hand on them on to soothe them. And gradually, lessen the hand and time. I also used sound machines.  
(I had premature triplets).  I was on my own from their ‘original’ due date.

Edited May 4, 2023 by matrips

[Elizabeth86]

1 hour ago, ktgrok said:

HOnestly? My grandma had two sets of twins and a singleton in about 3 years. Yeah, her doctor prescribed opiods for the twins, to "help them sleep". Grandma still, 50 years later, was nearly blissful when she spoke of how that "green medicine" changed everything. So yeah, they "managed" but by drugging the babies! She also, I'm almost sure, was on something herself - likely valium. It was the age of "mother's little helper". 

so, maybe explain to your DD that if she feels like others did this better, they had the "help" of strong drugs. 

Oh, and grandma fully admits that with the first set (who looked identical) that she is 100 percent sure she got so tired and confused that she sometimes fed one twin twice and one went without. So if DD is managing to feed both babies, AND not drugging anyone, she's doing better than my grandma did!

I love this!! 

[SanDiegoMom]

I did not read the replies but I will just say that my mom was with me for the first four months, and after that things were still not easy, but survivable.  Neck strength on their part was a big help, and by four months one was only waking up once a night and the other twice, and it was more routine.   That's not to say I wouldn't have kept help if it was still available, but things started to get more predictable.

[busymama7]

2 hours ago, ktgrok said:

HOnestly? My grandma had two sets of twins and a singleton in about 3 years. Yeah, her doctor prescribed opiods for the twins, to "help them sleep". Grandma still, 50 years later, was nearly blissful when she spoke of how that "green medicine" changed everything. So yeah, they "managed" but by drugging the babies! She also, I'm almost sure, was on something herself - likely valium. It was the age of "mother's little helper". 

so, maybe explain to your DD that if she feels like others did this better, they had the "help" of strong drugs. 

Oh, and grandma fully admits that with the first set (who looked identical) that she is 100 percent sure she got so tired and confused that she sometimes fed one twin twice and one went without. So if DD is managing to feed both babies, AND not drugging anyone, she's doing better than my grandma did!

My oldest was born in 1997.  I remember complaining to the pediatrician that he wasn't sleeping well (I soon turned happily to co sleeping and loved it for all 9 of mine) and he wrote a prescription for something to help him sleep.  I didn't fill it as it felt so wrong but he was easily in his 70s then so that makes so much sense.   I wish I knew now what the medicine was.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

2 hours ago, matrips said:

Are they swaddled?  I would swaddle snugly to mimic the pressure and warmth of a person, lay them down but keep a hand on them on to soothe them. And gradually, lessen the hand and time. I also used sound machines.  
(I had premature triplets).  I was on my own from their ‘original’ due date.

They don’t like swaddles nor do they keep them intact. 

[Hilltopmom]

2 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

They don’t like swaddles nor do they keep them intact. 

The woombie ones are stretchy and zip up. They can move around but not break free 🙂

 

[LifeLovePassion]

We had luck with Miracle Blanket swaddle blankets. 

[kbutton]

7 hours ago, ktgrok said:

HOnestly? My grandma had two sets of twins and a singleton in about 3 years. Yeah, her doctor prescribed opiods for the twins, to "help them sleep". Grandma still, 50 years later, was nearly blissful when she spoke of how that "green medicine" changed everything. So yeah, they "managed" but by drugging the babies! She also, I'm almost sure, was on something herself - likely valium. It was the age of "mother's little helper". 

4 hours ago, busymama7 said:

My oldest was born in 1997.  I remember complaining to the pediatrician that he wasn't sleeping well (I soon turned happily to co sleeping and loved it for all 9 of mine) and he wrote a prescription for something to help him sleep.  I didn't fill it as it felt so wrong but he was easily in his 70s then so that makes so much sense.   I wish I knew now what the medicine was.  

Probably paregoric--it contained an opiate. My mother remembers liking the taste and asking for it. An old pastor of ours used to comment on how paregoric got a lot mothers through the "witching hour" around 5 PM or so--when it's time to make dinner, but DH is not home, and the kids are a hot mess. My mom and this pastor are not the same age, nor did they grow up in the same place, so I think it was very, very common.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6659398/#:~:text=In%20the%20United%20States%2C%20paregoric,%2DPG%20(schedule%20V).

Quote

In the United States, paregoric was extensively used for many years for colic. Paregoric consists of 4% opium, benzoic acid, camphor, and anise oil. Before 1970, it was given over-the-counter, but it became a regulated (schedule III) drug thereafter, except as a component of Donnagel-PG (schedule V).

 

[wendyroo]

24 minutes ago, LifeLovePassion said:

We had luck with Miracle Blanket swaddle blankets. 

We also used Miracle Blankets.

My most autistic, dysregulated baby had to be swaddled until 7 months. For our own sanity and sleep, we got very good at swaddling him in a way he could not break out...and he was a strong 22 pounds at that age!

[Lecka]

Here is how I made it.  My twins were sweet, easy babies and I was able to tandem nurse them before they were a month old.  
 

I also had a sweet 3-year-old boy who kept me company and fetched things for me.  
 

He had also been a hard baby (which I never bring up because it’s too mean) but he was a hard baby, I often felt like I was doing something wrong and it was mentally exhausting.  

 

I had also broken my tailbone during his delivery.  
 

So with the twins I had a much easier physical recovery and I had much easier babies.  
 

I was also doing things like throwing all the clean laundry into a crib without ever folding it, and driving around with everyone in the car at night and going through the drive-thru at Wendy’s.  
 

But I do think I had an objectively easier time with my twins than the majority of women.  And I do think I had an objectively harder time with my older son, though I don’t know how much of that was his natural temperament and how much was my lack of knowing how to do things the right way.  
 

He got a lot easier once he could scoot around, and then crawl and walk.  He was a happy toddler.  
 

I think he might have had some kind of reflux I never figured out, I think that is very possible.  
 

He didn’t stay hard.  
 

But it is really nice to go from a hard baby to easy babies, and I had an easy time tandem nursing.  
 

I did my first solo trip with all 3 kids to the grocery store, when they were 3 weeks old, and I remember it as exciting.  I was ready for my mom to go home and she was ready to go home.  I had needed her a lot at the end of my pregnancy and I had needed a lot of help with my older son.  I was excited to be feeling good and able to do things!  

[Arcadia]

6 hours ago, busymama7 said:

My oldest was born in 1997.  I remember complaining to the pediatrician that he wasn't sleeping well (I soon turned happily to co sleeping and loved it for all 9 of mine) and he wrote a prescription for something to help him sleep.  I didn't fill it as it felt so wrong but he was easily in his 70s then so that makes so much sense.   I wish I knew now what the medicine was.  

 

1 hour ago, kbutton said:

Probably paregoric--it contained an opiate. My mother remembers liking the taste and asking for it.

 

Cough syrup with codeine was used by unscrupulous babysitters where I am from to get babies to sleep. It taste rather sweet.

My FIL suggest beer to make babies sleep and he means it 🤦‍♀️

[kbutton]

Just now, Arcadia said:

My FIL suggest beer to make babies sleep and he means it 🤦‍♀️

And probably recommends rum on the gums when teething too, lol! 

[Arcadia]

5 minutes ago, kbutton said:

And probably recommends rum on the gums when teething too, lol! 

He only likes Guinness Stout and tolerate beers like Anchor beer, Tsingtao beer. I did hear about rum on the gums from other elderly folks. 

[Not_a_Number]

We tried as hard as possible to sleep train gently with my kids . . . and for some kids, that causes more stress than just a few nights of crying, because some kids are really, really stubborn and will set back all of your attempts to do it "gently." And over the weeks and months, the gentle attempts add up to more stress than the quicker versions. 

Of course, my kids turned out to be gifted, sensitive, and extremely willful, so there were reasons for that. 

But I do want to say that sometimes, "gentle sleep training" isn't all it's cracked up to be. 

(We did it at 8 months or so with my older girl and at 5 months with my younger. I'd be comfortable doing it past 4 months, I think.) 

Edited May 5, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Jaybee]

2 hours ago, Lecka said:

Here is how I made it.  My twins were sweet, easy babies and I was able to tandem nurse them before they were a month old.  
 

But I do think I had an objectively easier time with my twins than the majority of women.  

I keep trying to decide whether to even post on here. Mine were easy babies as well. I could tandem nurse them, but I didn't like it because letdown was so strong they just gulped and gulped, and then it was over. Unlike most on here, it would have been disorienting to me to have my mom (who is great) with us for that amount of time. We were living overseas, and my parents had to go ahead and make their flight arrangements, so it was a guess. The babies were born at 36 weeks. I think we spent two nights in the hospital. I can't remember now, but I think they were 1 ½-2 weeks old when my parents arrived? My dad stayed about 10 days, I think, and my mom a total of maybe 4 weeks. However, we had to go to a different city for their birth (ahead of time), and dh worked from home at that time. He was also a very hands-on dad. The babies were about 5 weeks old when we went back to our home in a town about 10 hrs. or so from where they were born. I had a housecleaner, so that was wonderful (!!!), but I did the cooking and the laundry. I know I was tired, but I don't remember it being horrible or even being constantly overwhelmed--just days here and there. HOWEVER, they nursed well from the start, they slept well, and my 7yo and 4yo were very helpful. I certainly don't think of myself as a superwoman or anything, but maybe I'm rather independent, and felt better when we got back to being just our little (😉) family again. I remember fondly sitting in the rocker/recliner nursing one baby, bouncing the other in a seat with my foot, and reading to the 4yo.😂 I am not sharing this to brag OR to shame (certainly not!), but just to say that different people can have very different experiences. I do think it helped that they were 3rd and 4th, because I was more relaxed as a mom, and had already had positive nursing experience.

[Bnogo24]

I am a huge fan on swaddling - the miracle blanket is awesome.  My singleton & twins needed to be swaddled until 7 months for any good sleep to occur. I am a pediatric PT and so often see kiddos whose parents say don’t like or fight the swaddle- once I get them swaddled up snuggly, they before more organized, calm and sleep so much better.

[Ann.without.an.e]

13 hours ago, Lecka said:

Here is how I made it.  My twins were sweet, easy babies and I was able to tandem nurse them before they were a month old.  
 

 

 

10 hours ago, Jaybee said:

I keep trying to decide whether to even post on here. Mine were easy babies as well. 

 

 

It is ok to share experiences that are different than ours ❤️  I hope DD's next baby (if they have more) will be easy lol. I think if they had started out normal from the get-go, it would have been easy for them. If they hadn't had the glucose issues or the feeding problems. I feel they were clingy at first because they couldn't really get in the calories they needed and were always a little hungry and weren't gaining weight? So instead of learning to sleep nice and swaddled for those first sleepy weeks, they were hungry and clingy and unsettled. It kind of set us up for a hard road to relearn to sleep but we didn't find the solution until they were well over a month old. They are better each week. Peach fell asleep in the swing twice this week and Nectarine fell asleep in the carseat. A week ago they wouldn't fall asleep in a car seat or stroller or swing at all, ever. So I think we're making progress. 

[Paige]

We put ours in miracle blankets too until they were about 6months. If she hasn't tried those, then it might help- they are different than other blankets and help you get a more effective swaddle. We swaddled *tight* like really tight. Like I could pick them up by the blankets tight. I know that has become out of favor recently but that's what worked for us. They slept together until they were about 9mos or 1yr. I can't recall exactly. It was a mixed bag- sometimes they helped each other sleep and other times they poked each other in the eye but there's never a perfect solution.

CIO never worked. I think it's fine for people who it works for but sometimes you read that if it fails it's because you failed or you didn't give it a good enough try. Like NotaNumber it just made things worse. We tried with my oldest who I maintain was the world's most colicky baby and he'd still be crying today if I had waited for him to CIO and fall asleep. With the twins it was worse because they'd wake each other up and then they'd wake my older one who was still colicky at 2-3!! 

 

[ktgrok]

15 hours ago, Arcadia said:

He only likes Guinness Stout and tolerate beers like Anchor beer, Tsingtao beer. I did hear about rum on the gums from other elderly folks. 

I won't lie, we did some whisky on the gums. Scotch, actually. It helped my toothache as an adult, and the tiny amount they got wasn't going to get them buzzed or drunk. And it was available and I had terrible teethers. Teething is why I have 4 kids and not 8. They all teethed early, as well, which made it worse since they couldn't reall hold on to a teether, and were not eating solid food to chew on, etc. One was born with two teeth, all had 4 teeth by 4 months old. Miserable. If a rub of cold whiskey was going to help, I was willing to try it. 

3 hours ago, Paige said:

he'd still be crying today if I had waited for him to CIO and fall asleep. 

 

LOL, yup, had one of those. Like I said, I was that mean lady giving people the stink eye silently if they mentioned CIO, because I thought all kids were like that, and were screaming for hours on end. I truly had no clue how different different babies were til I had more. 

[Melissa in Australia]

On 5/5/2023 at 2:06 AM, ktgrok said:

HOnestly? My grandma had two sets of twins and a singleton in about 3 years. Yeah, her doctor prescribed opiods for the twins, to "help them sleep". Grandma still, 50 years later, was nearly blissful when she spoke of how that "green medicine" changed everything. So yeah, they "managed" but by drugging the babies! She also, I'm almost sure, was on something herself - likely valium. It was the age of "mother's little helper". 

so, maybe explain to your DD that if she feels like others did this better, they had the "help" of strong drugs. 

Oh, and grandma fully admits that with the first set (who looked identical) that she is 100 percent sure she got so tired and confused that she sometimes fed one twin twice and one went without. So if DD is managing to feed both babies, AND not drugging anyone, she's doing better than my grandma did!

Not all others used drugs.  Maybe it was your area centric, but mothers and babies did not routinely take drugs in other areas at all.  I find it extremely disturbing that people push this

My mother had twins, they were number 7 and 8. The next oldest child was 13 months. I was 11 at the time, the oldest. She exclusively breast fed them, and it was in the days of cloth nappies and no driers.

I remember quite clearly my main job was being in charge of laundry with priority on nappies, hanging them in the most likely to dry place on the line etc. 

My mum also fostered some teen  children at the same time. She most definately did not drug the children or take drugs. 

My grandmother came for the first couple of weeks, then she went back to her home 500 km away. my mum had home help for 1 1/2 hours twice a week. 

 

 

[sweet2ndchance]

I had a just turned 3 year old and a 13 month old when oldest dd was born. Their father was military and on his first deployment when she was born. I had no family nearby, the only help I had from his unit was one of his buddies came and cut the grass for me because we lived in base housing. No one brought meals, no one came over to help. It was just me and 3 kids 3yo and under. Oh and dd turned 6 weeks old exactly on September 11, 2001. Ex was still deployed and I was still at home with 3 under 3 now with no end in sight because his deployment was extended indefinitely when 9/11 happened.

I never drugged any of my kids, not even benedryl. I probably needed antidepressants but I didn't have them at the time. I just did what had to be done each day. If everyone was clean, fed and tucked into bed (or all piled in my bed) at the end of the day, that was enough because it had to be. The days were long but the years were oh so short. My oldest, the 3yo in this post, turns 25 tomorrow. 

My younger three kids came when the older three were old enough to be a big help around the house. So even though I was still often completely on my own, just me and the (homeschooled) kids (ex was deployed or otherwise not around), I had help then. Like @Melissa in Australia said, they helped with laundry, cooking, entertaining little ones, picking up, vacuuming. It made having the younger three a breeze by comparison. I really miss those days of reading a read aloud while the baby nursed. Everyone either snuggled on the couch or playing nearby. My yard wasn't perfect, the house was kid cleaned, laundry wasn't always neatly folded and put away, meals were often kid fare and sometimes kid made kid fare lol but we all survived none worse for the wear.

Your dd has been extremely lucky in having so much help, able and willing, but she can and will make it on her own too. The days will be long but the years are so short. She kinda got thrown into the deep end of the pool with having twins as her first but she can get a teen or preteen to be a mother's helper especially with summer just around the corner or hired help cleaning the house if she needs to. As someone else said, if she has less time to look things up on tiktok, maybe she will be less stressed and realize that she can and will make the best decisions for her family without it.