Thanks ……

[Indigo Blue]

I very much appreciate all of you!!!

 

Edited February 9, 2023 by Indigo Blue

[Carrie12345]

I hear you.

 I’m on year… 22? of being a sahm. Seriously have not worked for pay since late 2001. And the concept of being considered lazy is extremely triggering for me, period, but especially after busting my hump for free for so long!

I am very sorry that your family stinks so bad.

[almondbutterandjelly]

This is one of those situations where I would stew for days to find the right comeback, even though it's too late.  Hugs.  I am also a stay at home mom.  Those meals don't plan, shop, and cook themselves!  Eh, that's not a great comeback.  Anyway, I get it.  You are awesome and obviously not lazy.  And it's hard to be flip and say, "Oh, yes, I just sit on the couch and eat bon bons all day!" when it strikes a chord of hurt.

Edited February 9, 2023 by perky

[Scarlett]

What a horrible thing for your dad to say to you.  Ugh! I want to throat punch him. 
 

I never knew you worked all of those jobs before becoming SAHHM/book keeper….but guess what?  I never one time thought you ‘do nothing all day’. 
 

You need some good come back backs to peoples rude comments. ‘Why do you want to know?’ ‘I just am that good that I make it look effortless’. ‘Um, sorry that is classified info’. 

[Ting Tang]

Those people all seem really bored or jealous to be pondering your life. What a waste of their time and energy. 

By the way, it sounds like you are doing awesome at being you, a wife, and a mother.  Maybe those others should get busy working on themselves because they clearly have a lot of work to do...

Honestly, if you really were a "woman of leisure," that is your business and nobody else's.  

 

 

[marbel]

So,  you are not a zero!  The current culture in the US is such that a person who is not making money basically has no value. (I'll add the caveat that that is my experience and observation and it's a generalization. I'm sure there are places where a SAHM is looked on with respect by the general populace.) I was once called a parasite by someone whose only knowledge of me was that I was a SAHM. Maybe there was another word that started with an f before parasite. 

But you and your husband and kids know you have value. They are the important ones.

Your dad with whom you have no relationship? His opinion doesn't matter. Your neighbor's doesn't either.  Your sister-in-law? I assume she works? Maybe she thinks that way, or maybe she's just jealous of you.  Your husband's former boss - nothing to you. 

I'm not trivializing your hurt. I've experienced it too. Just remember what you do for your little family (husband and kids, they are all that matter) is far from nothing. 

Last summer we had a get-together with a group of my husband's colleagues. I was the only SAHM there, the only person with less than a Master's degree (most had Ph.Ds), and the only one not in the high-tech industry in a tech position. I'm sure some of them were baffled by my existence. But I had a  nice long conversation with a couple who were seriously intrigued by the notion of a "professional mom" as one of them put it. Their moms had worked; they didn't know anyone who didn't work. It was all very positive but it was a little weird. Sorry, tangent. 

Edited February 9, 2023 by marbel

[Indigo Blue]

Yes, I do need some good comebacks to these comments. I always just say nothing. 

[Spy Car]

Sounds like you have worked hard your whole life and served your family well.

Bill

[Annie G]

2 minutes ago, marbel said:

Last summer we had a get-together with a group of my husband's colleagues. I was the only SAHM there, the only person with less than a Master's degree (most had Ph.Ds), and the only one not in the high-tech industry in a tech position. I'm sure some of them were baffled by my existence. But I had a  nice long conversation with a couple who were seriously intrigued by the notion of a "professional mom" as one of them put it. Their moms had worked; they didn't know anyone who didn't work. It was all very positive but it was a little weird. Sorry, tangent. 

 

It was always hard for me to be around dh’s coworkers at events because they seemed to feel someone ‘was’ what they did. So they’d ask what I did and yeah, felt like it was either a throwback to the 1950’s or that I was just lazy. And dh had a female boss who had kids, and she felt like she had a job AND took care of her family, so basically I did half a job. 
Dh just said not to let it bother me, but OP, I know what you mean-people are trying to value your based on what you DO rather than getting to know who you ARE. It’s their problem, but you’re the one hurting from it.  
You’re not a nothing.  Not even close.

[marbel]

And just to add... your comment about painting a chair made me think of this. There is great value in having the ability to improve/beautify one's surroundings. Preparing delicious healthful food is another. That is a gift that I think is so often overlooked in our culture which is so often focused on making money.

[prairiewindmomma]

Comeback: “Why would you say that to someone? Why do you feel it’s ok to go around telling people they are lazy and worthless?”

[MEmama]

Big, huge hugs to you, @Indigo Blue. ❤️

WE know that these comments are BS and say everything about the people saying them and nothing to do with you. I'm so, so sorry people feel entitled to be such jerks. 😞 

[Katy]

These people are toxic. Avoid them. It sounds like your dad is bothered by the topic so you became extra sensitive to it. You’re not lazy. No one who has done 1/10th of those things would ever interpret it that way. 

[Grace Hopper]

You don’t owe them any explanation for how you live your life!

Being a full time Family Life Manager is a stress laden 24/7 career. You have a real vocation. People have vocations outside of the home; your “office” happens to be your home. And your vehicle. And the ball field. And at the doctors’ office. And everywhere else you go in service to your family. 

If you long for other opportunities and want to do something else, go for it. But if you and your dh are satisfied with what you’re doing now, forget about the critics. Because on the flip side there are just as many critics who can’t believe all women don’t want to be full time SAHMs. You can’t win by overvaluing worthless opinions. So forget about the clever comebacks unless you really want to just play along and create an outrageous humorous response (as opposed to something to say in an attempt to justify your position). And when on the phone, just hanging up is always an option. 

Edited February 9, 2023 by Grace Hopper

[fairfarmhand]

Most working women I know with kids wish they could be at home with them. Most of those gals wish they had the option for part time work rather than full time, because it is just so much. 

I'm sorry people are insensitive and rude. You sound like you are a very hard working woman. 

[elegantlion]

Yeah, I used to get that, especially with one child. Around here, being a SAHM is more acceptable but generally only if you have two or more children. I worked pre- child and did a few odd jobs here and there while homeschooling him. I started college while he was finishing up homeschooling high school. 

I agree with the long pause, slight head tilt, furrowed brows, and "why would ask someone that?" or "What do you do all day?" or simply "What kind of question is that?" Especially in these times when many people have worked from home for extended periods, the question itself is rude. 

Right now I'm working very part time as an RA (at home), trying to write a dissertation (at home mostly), and am involved in one volunteer activity that takes up a large amount of time on certain weeks (some of which is done at home). A few minutes ago I just felt overwhelmed - and my paid work is only 10 hours a week. My mom (whom I adore) keeps bugging me to do stuff during the week when I am busy. I think it's hard for her to understand that even though I set my own schedule, I still need to work much of the day. I did break down and went out with her one day when the weather was nice. Now, I'm going to be working on Saturday when I prefer to take time off and spend it with SO.

I get your frustration. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

20 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Yes, I do need some good comebacks to these comments. I always just say nothing. 

Gosh, I live pretty close to you. Who do I need to come and punch? I would offer to egg their house but egg prices are a bit much right now 🤣

At the very least, after things settle down from these grand babies coming, let's meet and have lunch and then you can say "I have lunch with Ann, that keeps me busy enough" 🙂

ETA: I quoted you to say this - I always think of the BEST comebacks thirty minutes later. 

Edited February 9, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[Eos]

Wicked annoying.  "My career has been really complex, thanks for asking.  I've gotten to do so many different things that I feel sorry for people who have to do the exact same thing day and day out."

[Tiberia]

I'd just say something like, "Oh, I stay plenty busy! Thanks for asking." Then turn it on them: "What do you do to fill your time? Oh, you work full time? What do you do with all your leisure hours?" Get them on the defensive. If they ask about you again, just repeat, "Oh, I stay plenty busy! What about you?"

[dsmith]

I have experienced that for years and years. I had one comment from my sil about sitting on the couch eating bonbons like Peggy Bundy that I almost lost it over lol. But even recently, my uncle called to talk to mil, and asked what I was up to, and when I replied working, he was shocked. He never knew I've been working with dh since I left my previous job before I gave birth, 25 years ago. We have 2 businesses, and I've been involved since the beginning. I don't know what he thought I did, but maybe he thought my MS diagnosis kept me from working? 

[Ann.without.an.e]

I was just thinking about how many people I've known to retire and wonder how they ever got it all done and quickly express how they still manage to stay so busy. That should be proof that there is plenty to do in life. 

In the last few years I've dwindled down to homeschooling one and only have two kiddos at home but I'm just as busy as ever. 

Also, so much of what needs to be done in and around a home is half assed when you have kids there. What if I'm doing many of the same things I did when I had a house full of kids but I can actually do them to the level I want to now? Ever thought of that? or what if I'm just still recovering from a bazillion hours of lost sleep?

Edited February 9, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[knitgrl]

I dunno. I was raised in the 80's and even then I just got so sick of everyone telling me that having a career was THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE. And if you didn't have a career you were just wasting your "potential." Potential for what? For who's benefit? So you can work crazy hours, claw your way to the top, and turn your children into "latch-key kids"? (Remember how that was a big thing?) What a bunch of garbage!

Edited February 9, 2023 by knitgrl

[Indigo Blue]

32 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

At the very least, after things settle down from these grand babies coming, let's meet and have lunch and then you can say "I have lunch with Ann, that keeps me busy enough" 🙂

Ann, that is so sweet. Thanks. Maybe one day!

[Indigo Blue]

Thanks so much y’all. I was fighting back a well of tears, and now I think I will be okay. 
 

 

[SKL]

Why do you care what they think?  I'm pretty sure most people don't even know I exist, but I don't care.

I think you should simply answer "I'm a bookkeeper" like it's just as important as astronaut or POTUS.

It's great that you manage to make all that you do look easy to outsiders.

You have nothing to prove.

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, Spy Car said:

Sounds like you have worked hard your whole life and served your family well.

Bill

Thank you SO much. 

[Spy Car]

1 minute ago, Indigo Blue said:

Thank you SO much. 

It is true. What you have done is highly significant and has benefited your family on every level.

You should feel very good about that. 

100%.

Bill

[BusyMom5]

Your post is exactly why I try to send encouragement to the handful of young moms I know staying home and taking care of their children and household.   Yes, its a privilege,  but also so incredibly important and worth the sacrifice of money.  You and your husband are a team, you figure out between the two of you what the goals are and how you will meet them.  You are NOT a zero.  You are a help-meet.  You are a mother.  You are a partner.  You provide services for your family that they appreciate.   

Signed,

A stay-at-home Wife

 

 

[Ottakee]

One time a friend of mine in a similar position said she had the spiritual gift of time…..she had the time to make someone a meal, visit a shut in, take someone to the doctor, watch kids for a tired mom, etc.

Things like those have so much value

.

[fairfarmhand]

More musings

Perhaps women who make enough money to have a housecleaner and a nanny don't feel as much pressure, but for those who do not (which is the vast majority of working women) They know that they are not doing things with their kids that they'd like to do. They know that there are so many projects in the home that they'd love to tackle. They know that they would love to feed their family better, tackle home and landscaping projects, and help out in volunteer positions. But for most of them, it's get through the week and do the best they can. And that's fine. Good for them for being the best they can be in the circumstances they are in.

Many of us who do stay home, are able to tackle some of that stuff. (probably not all of it!) But it doesn't mean that we do nothing. 

[MercyA]

What @Spy Car said. 🙂 

Seriously, what those people said mean less than nothing. Their opinions are not based in fact or reality. You've done tremendous things with your time and served your family so well.

But, honestly, our value is not based on what we DO. I believe, for example, that disabled people have just as much value as anyone else, even if they can't earn money or do the things other people do. 

Loving other people, showing kindness--those are the things that are important in life. 

We love you!

[Ann.without.an.e]

24 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Ann, that is so sweet. Thanks. Maybe one day!

We have to say “maybe one day” because as homemakers we’re just so busy, right? Who knows if we will be able to carve out time? And I mean that not sarcastically 😂

[Heartstrings]

18 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

Your post is exactly why I try to send encouragement to the handful of young moms I know staying home and taking care of their children and household.   Yes, its a privilege,  but also so incredibly important and worth the sacrifice of money.  You and your husband are a team, you figure out between the two of you what the goals are and how you will meet them.  You are NOT a zero.  You are a help-meet.  You are a mother.  You are a partner.  You provide services for your family that they appreciate.   

Signed,

A stay-at-home Wife

 

 

I’m not sophisticated enough to articulate it properly but the interplay between “privilege” and “sacrifice” that comes with being a stay at home, homeschooling mom is really hard to get through to people who aren’t living it.   Most nay-sayers just throw out “privilege” like it’s a derogatory thing and they don’t see the sacrifice.   They also never seem to connect the “privilege” to coming with “benefits” to the family which is weird because what is privilege if not a set of benefits? 
 

The blame is on capitalism, or at least on how we experience capitalism at this point in our society.  We all need to be good worker bees, outsourcing home and family to other worker bees and anything besides that is seen as abnormal and thus hated.

Edited February 9, 2023 by Heartstrings

[BusyMom5]

6 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

I’m not sophisticated enough to articulate it properly but the interplay between “privilege” and “sacrifice” that comes with being a stay at home, homeschooling mom is really hard to get through to people who aren’t living it.   Most nay-sayers just throw out “privilege” like it’s a derogatory thing and they don’t see the sacrifice.   They also never seem to connect the “privilege” to coming with “benefits” to the family which is weird because what is privilege if not a set of benefits? 
 

The blame is on capitalism, or at least on how we experience capitalism at this point in our society.  We all need to be good worker bees, outsourcing home and family to other worker bees and anything besides that is seen as abnormal and thus hated.

I struggle with this, because I feel like family is the heart of our country, and we have hollowed them out.  When I was a kid, grandmas had been SAHM and would keep grandkids before or after school.  Today Grandmas are working,  maybe great-grandma can keep them?  Shes in her 70s or 80s snd still watching little ones!  If mom is home, the household just runs smoother bc she can be flexible.  Kids get more of her time, husband gets more of her time, there is just more family time a together.   Instead of household stuff done on weekends,  she has the weekends to spend together.  

My DH grew up with a mom who worked.  When we were dating I was clear with him that I wanted to stay home when we had small children.   It was a novel idea for him.  I was still in college when we married.   He found out that he loved having me home to do all the extra stuff of running a house (and business from home) and make meals.  I'm sure my ILs were concerned bc I never got a job.  I was just a stay-at-home wife for 3 years before we had kids.  My DH has always really appreciated what I do for our family.  I never "used" my college.  So what 🤷‍♀️  We are happy, we have 6 great kids.  Life is good!  

[*****]

"I've been so blessed to be able to work from home."  (no further explanation needed)

Or you could add (if feeling a bit snarky):   "What blessings have you received lately?"   

That'll probably leave them with wondering what to say.😄

[kbutton]

Your dad is being a turd. You are triggered by the other things (a mix of rude, cluelessly curious, bumbling) because of bad treatment.

I am so sorry!

I had a really triggering moment this week from someone who wasn't doing anything wrong. That's why it's called a trigger. 

Hugs.

If it makes you feel better, my dad gets a lot of comments about what he does while retired that are nearly identical to a number of the comments that you are hearing. He retired at a pretty average age. Everybody knows everybody where he's from, and his job was super visible, so it's no surprise to most people that he's retired--it's obvious. Sometimes the people asking are retired too (and sometimes were workaholics who are at loose ends and jealous he can enjoy himself). He's also busy all.the.time. Some of the bumbling ways that you were asked about your time (by the neighbor) were possibly attempts at genuine communication (obviously I wasn't there to read the body language).

Anyway, it's okay if these things continue to trigger you, but I hope that over time, it won't catch you by surprise and that you can feel more in control.

My triggered moment was, thankfully, at a time when I could tell (eventually) that it wasn't aimed at me and was not from inappropriate behavior. I cried later, but then it was just over. I could let it go and seek counsel about whether or not to say something to the person about it based on how I need to interact with that person in the future. 

[City Mouse]

Those people are totally rude. That being said, many people don’t understand if they can’t see it for themselves.

I have been in the opposite situation. For many years I had a job with a school district where I, and others with the same job, traveled form school to school tO do a particular task. Because the people at each individual school could not see what we did all day, it was not unusual for them to think we did nothing all day and could just come to their school at a moment’s notice. While you are not required to educate those rude people in your life, we often had to be very direct about daily schedules, so that they (some anyway) did not think we spent the day hanging out at Starbucks or shopping at Target.

[Indigo Blue]

41 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

We all need to be good worker bees, outsourcing home and family to other worker bees and anything besides that is seen as abnormal and thus hated.  

I agree. It seems this is how it is. Just a few decades ago, it was the opposite. And you’re expected to do whatever the current norm is in society. It goes this way for pretty much everything. 

[mom2scouts]

I'm sorry. It sounds like you've done a lot of things in the paid work world, homeschooled, and done all the things needed to keep a house and family going. That's not nothing and your dad is cruel for even "joking" that you're a zero. No wonder you don't have much of a relationship with him!

My husband worked for a university at one time and we had to go to a dinner event. Everyone was chatting and the man sitting next to me asked me what I did. I don't think I was homeschooling yet at the time, but I had young children. I told him I stay at home with my children and he just turned his back and never said another word to me throughout the event! People are so weird sometimes and have odd reasons for how they react to what others are doing.

[alysee]

I'm so sorry that people around you feel the need to make you feel worthless. You have had jobs. Running a home, working outside or working from home are all jobs. I do find the older generation only thinks of outside the home jobs as "real jobs". I worked full time while my husband was in school and then went down to part time once he graduated and once I had kids. It's unusual for my generation but I have no desire to hustle my life away. I have had very part time jobs as a file clerk that worked around my homeschool/husband's schedule and it was awesome. Now that we have moved and my husband is more established in his career I am "just" a homeschool mom. It's where I'm meant to be regardless of other people's opinions. If you're being true to your needs and your family's needs I see no need to justify your decisions. Keep on, keeping on. 

[Melissa Louise]

Your dad is a piece of work.

That's an ugly thing to say.

Many people look down on SAHM's. 

But if you were a high powered lawyer earning mega bucks, they'd crack 'jokes' about your kids being more attached to the nanny.

In other words, it's them, not you.

 

[Indigo Blue]

So weird……

my mom called a few minutes ago to ask if I were okay because she knew my dad had called me. Apparently he called her and told her he had talked to me. She thought maybe he had said something to me to upset me. How odd. I can’t be sure she was being genuine or just fishing. Genuine or fishing for information….I have no idea. I just gave another “surface level” performance and gave her absolutely no information. 

 

[fairfarmhand]

What I can't figure out is how families with 2 working families do ridiculous things like sit on the phone for 2 hours with the mortgage company or insurance company. Or contact a business that;s messed up on billing to correct a problem.  Certain tasks HAVE to be done during business hours and many of them don't wrap up quickly. I'm sure they get them done, but I cant figure out how!

[Indigo Blue]

10 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

What I can't figure out is how families with 2 working families do ridiculous things like sit on the phone for 2 hours with the mortgage company or insurance company. Or contact a business that;s messed up on billing to correct a problem.  Certain tasks HAVE to be done during business hours and many of them don't wrap up quickly. I'm sure they get them done, but I cant figure out how!

Some of it could be explained by the fact that some people have jobs where, for a large part of their work day, they aren’t working that all that hard. Lots of cooler talk, long breaks, extra long lunches, etc. So they might could build this into their day. Others probably genuinely struggle. 
 

Ds is so fortunate to work at a place that is very understanding. I tell him often how lucky he is and not to take that for granted! He was able to go through the process of getting 3 root canals in a row and that would have been so hard in lots of workplaces!

[Clarita]

17 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

What I can't figure out is how families with 2 working families do ridiculous things like sit on the phone for 2 hours with the mortgage company or insurance company. Or contact a business that;s messed up on billing to correct a problem.  Certain tasks HAVE to be done during business hours and many of them don't wrap up quickly. I'm sure they get them done, but I cant figure out how!

It gets super stressful. Basically one of them has to take time from work to do it. Just like when your kids get sick and the childcare and school sends them home. When my husband and I both had fulltime jobs we've had fights over who was going to call the so and so or wait for the delivery of such and such thing or be home to get the something or other fixed at the house. We tried to make it fair and equitable at the time, but it never feels fair or equitable to either persons involved.

[Ann.without.an.e]

30 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

What I can't figure out is how families with 2 working families do ridiculous things like sit on the phone for 2 hours with the mortgage company or insurance company. Or contact a business that;s messed up on billing to correct a problem.  Certain tasks HAVE to be done during business hours and many of them don't wrap up quickly. I'm sure they get them done, but I cant figure out how!

I have so often wondered this!  Like the amount of time I've been on hold alone?? Also, what about medical stuff too? I can't imagine how a family with kids at home who have medical needs also maintains two jobs without at least one having A LOT of flexibility.

Edited February 9, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[Soror]

I'm late to the party but wanted to say I'm sorry your dad was an asshole. 

People that haven't stayed at home don't have a clue what is involved.

Most Moms- sah or woh are doing the best they can for their children. How that looks is different but it is all hard work.

[SKL]

18 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

What I can't figure out is how families with 2 working families do ridiculous things like sit on the phone for 2 hours with the mortgage company or insurance company. Or contact a business that;s messed up on billing to correct a problem.  Certain tasks HAVE to be done during business hours and many of them don't wrap up quickly. I'm sure they get them done, but I cant figure out how!

Some of them don't get done (or don't happen timely), and it's one of the costs of being employed.

I've lost money by not returning things within the time limit, leaving small problems to turn into big problems, etc.  I kick myself and move on.  I'm one of the many who don't have a choice whether to have a paid job or not.

[SKL]

17 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I have so often wondered this!  Like the amount of time I've been on hold alone?? Also, what about medical stuff too? I can't imagine how a family with kids at home who have medical needs also maintains two jobs without at least one having A LOT of flexibility.

When I was a kid, my parents were both WOHP.  My mom had Fridays off, and thinking back, it may have been planned that way so that she could get stuff done.  Also, they were in their own business until their oldest kid was about 10, so there was flexibility there.

Those were the good old days of latchkey kids, which my sibs and I were.  🙂  If we claimed to fall sick in school, we simply walked home and stayed alone until our sibs returned.  In the very rare case that actual medical care was needed (a couple broken bones happened during school hours), my dad would have to come and deal with it, because my mom took buses to and from work.

One thing I did notice while in a male-oriented workplace:  they just love it when dads take time off for their kids.  What a great dad.  An example for all of us.  Funny that nobody ever felt that way about moms.

[Eos]

20 minutes ago, SKL said:

One thing I did notice while in a male-oriented workplace:  they just love it when dads take time off for their kids.  What a great dad.  An example for all of us.  Funny that nobody ever felt that way about moms.

Always this.