The hardest stage of parenting

[Amethyst]

...is being the parent of adult children. At least it feels like it some days. That is all. 

[WildflowerMom]

I 100% agree.  

[Selkie]

I totally agree with you.

[catz]

Absolutely.  🤪

[Melissa Louise]

Agree.

 

[Ottakee]

Yep.  I have 4 young adults with special needs.

the consequences are so much bigger

 

[Kassia]

Another agreement.  So challenging and frustrating at times.

[bolt.]

The hardest stage of parenting is always the one you are actually in.

But I totally hear you all about young adults. As the parent of older teens, I believe you, but it's terrifying. You mean it gets even worse?

[Tree Frog]

It's hard because the rules (very loose definition) you made as a parent all changed and sometimes it's hard to know how they've changed and what the new expectation is. And frequently, the young adult doesn't know, either, but chafes at the old expectations. It sometimes requires a lot of humble communicating. 

[Katy]

My instinct is also the one you are in, but then again some phases are easier than others for individuals. I’ve always found newborns really easy.  Preschool boys are really hard for me. So are tween girls. The few now young adults we fostered weren’t with us long enough for me to feel really responsible for them so I don’t know about that yet. I’ve noticed most other parents have a really difficult time between 19-24. 

[whitestavern]

Totally agree. I thought at this stage it would be smooth sailing, time to have fun and enjoy freedom from the responsibility of parenthood. And not only are the “adult” kids hard but it’s also when our senior parents start requiring our time and attention as well. Between my 19 yo and my mother with dementia I am more stressed than I’ve ever been. 😞

[Grace Hopper]

Littles are harder physically. Bigs are harder mentally. Can’t just clock out when they turn 18. 

[Bambam]

Absolutely. It seemed hard in the beginning, but I had no idea. 
But the good times/connections are amazing when/if they happen. 
 

[Slache]

Yay...

[PinkTulip]

Yep. My kids are 19-24 and it’s tough watching them make decisions that I totally disagree with. I keep telling myself, “they’ll figure it out,” and that “the most important thing is to preserve and strengthen the relationship,” but man, I miss those days when I had more say in their life! 

[WendyLady]

It’s hard in such an unexpected way. I don’t feel like I have good memories of my parents parenting my siblings and I as young adults. We were sort of dropped off at college and forgotten - my parents were very hands off and almost uninterested in us. I rarely talked to my mom after I left home unless I was visiting her at her home, and I didn’t live near her.

Maybe it’s partly our young adults staying kids longer? Maybe it’s having a vested interest in their success as we are helping a little with college? Maybe it’s because I genuinely like my kids and want them to have all the happiness?
 

My mom lives near the college our kids have gone to and when I have visited to spend time with my college kids, she will say, “you do sooooo much for your kids!” I’m pretty sure she doesn’t mean it as a compliment.(And I feel guilty that we do so little compared to many parents.) 

[Arcadia]

57 minutes ago, bolt. said:

The hardest stage of parenting is always the one you are actually in.

But I totally hear you all about young adults. As the parent of older teens, I believe you, but it's terrifying. You mean it gets even worse?

Its easier to deal with my teens than for my relatives to deal with “problematic” children’s spouses. I am holding some money from my parents for my niece for a reason. I think it is so hard to not say anything and hope for the best when a child/sibling marry someone “problematic” (in this case money grabbing). 

Edited July 6, 2022 by Arcadia
typo

[Amethyst]

42 minutes ago, bolt. said:

The hardest stage of parenting is always the one you are actually in.

 

I've heard this before. Maybe it's true. Sigh. I wonder if my parents think having children who are in their 60's is the worst. I don't know. I'm not going to rule it out. 

Thanks for the support, everyone. 

39 minutes ago, Tree Frog said:

It's hard because the rules (very loose definition) you made as a parent all changed and sometimes it's hard to know how they've changed and what the new expectation is. And frequently, the young adult doesn't know, either, but chafes at the old expectations. It sometimes requires a lot of humble communicating. 

Lots of chafing, yes.

35 minutes ago, whitestavern said:

Totally agree. I thought at this stage it would be smooth sailing, time to have fun and enjoy freedom from the responsibility of parenthood. 

Time for me and dh to just enjoy the freedom, right? Sigh. Not only are the young adults challenging, but I don't remember dh and I discussing what it would be like to be the parents of adults. Spanking or no spanking? Family bed? homeschool or public school? Public school or private school? Montessori or Waldorf? Sure. Talked about all that good stuff. I can't wait to teach them how to (swim/read/dance/play tennis/ride a bike) won't it be delightful? Yup. We covered that. But the letting go, the financial should we/shouldn't we/how much? Do we butt in or it's none of our business? Let them fail, or catch them? We didn't discuss this way back when. The kids are enough, I don't need conflict with dh too. Sigh. Some days. Sigh. 

[Arcadia]

53 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

Yep.  I have 4 young adults with special needs.

the consequences are so much bigger

 

I wish we still have the group hug emoji. I have seen how hard it was for my aunt and her spouse to take care of their only child with Down syndrome 😞

[mommyoffive]

Yeah, I am feeling this.  No adults yet, but man this worries me for the future.  Does it get better at a certain age?  When they get married, get a job, reach full adulthood?  Give me something positive to focus on it.

My big kids can be lots of help, but I much prefer little kids even though those days are physically exhausting.  I am mentally and emotionally exhausted with tweens and teens.  

[Kassia]

16 minutes ago, PinkTulip said:

Yep. My kids are 19-24 and it’s tough watching them make decisions that I totally disagree with. I keep telling myself, “they’ll figure it out,” and that “the most important thing is to preserve and strengthen the relationship,” but man, I miss those days when I had more say in their life! 

That's exactly it.  

[Kassia]

4 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

Yeah, I am feeling this.  No adults yet, but man this worries me for the future.  Does it get better at a certain age?  When they get married, get a job, reach full adulthood?  Give me something positive to focus on it.

 

Oh, there's lots of good stuff!  It's such a wonderful feeling to see them independent and thriving.  ❤️  And the adult relationship can be a lot of fun too.  I find it very rewarding most of the time.  

[livetoread]

Very true here. I haven't seconded guessed myself more in any other stage. The stakes are so much higher too. They really can make their own lives so much more difficult for years to come with one bad choice.

[Amethyst]

5 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

Yeah, I am feeling this.  No adults yet, but man this worries me for the future.  Does it get better at a certain age?  When they get married, get a job, reach full adulthood?  Give me something positive to focus on it.

My big kids can be lots of help, but I much prefer little kids even though those days are physically exhausting.  I am mentally and emotionally exhausted with tweens and teens.  

Well, it helps when they have a career path which they are satisfied with. When they are out of college and regret their choice (or blame you for their bad decision), it is no so fun.

[KSera]

1 hour ago, bolt. said:

The hardest stage of parenting is always the one you are actually in.

But I totally hear you all about young adults. As the parent of older teens, I believe you, but it's terrifying. You mean it gets even worse?

My kids span the range of little to adult, so I'm in all stages and it's definitely the older teens and young adults who are the hardest here. We tend to have difficult babies (who become relatively easy kids), but even that hard baby stage paled compared to the older teens I was parenting at the same time as the baby. I'd definitely be way less stressed with a couple more toddlers in the house than dealing with the grown kid problems. I didn't expect this, because things still seemed pretty good when they were young teens and I thought we were somehow going to avoid any of the kind of stuff we're dealing with.

1 minute ago, mommyoffive said:

Does it get better at a certain age?  When they get married, get a job, reach full adulthood?  Give me something positive to focus on it.

I know my parents are very happy at this stage of their parenting with kids all grown with their own families. We're all functional and independent. I think whether it gets better depends on whether all your kids end up functional, independent, and relatively happy.

[Ottakee]

23 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

I wish we still have the group hug emoji. I have seen how hard it was for my aunt and her spouse to take care of their only child with Down syndrome 😞

My kids are higher functioning than many other individuals with Down Syndrome , but not all.  My kids have friends with DS that work at a day care, write articles for the local newspaper, hold down jobs and live in their own.

i think it is just harder as I am alone and there are 4 of them with various needs.  Often the paperwork for them for DHHS, SSI, SSDI, CMH and MRS is what gets to me

Edited July 6, 2022 by Ottakee

[1234]

Yes! Right now my 20 and 22 year old (and 22 yo’s fiancé) are living with us. Dh and I went out for drinks a bit ago and he mentioned we sure do seem to be going out for drinks more often these days. Yes, yes we are, dear. 😬

[HS Mom in NC]

Mmmm hhhhmmmm.

[Elizabeth86]

Oh I can't imagine! It must be, but I'm 8 weeks pregnant right now, and no one can convince me this isnt the hardest stage. 😭 I suck at pregnancy. I just want my baby (my favorite stage)

[sassenach]

2 hours ago, bolt. said:

The hardest stage of parenting is always the one you are actually in.

But I totally hear you all about young adults. As the parent of older teens, I believe you, but it's terrifying. You mean it gets even worse?

I disagree. I've truly loved many (most) stages of parenting, and not just in hindsight. 

I have actually found that the hardest stage has been very specific to each kid. The hardest with my youngest was 15, but her hardest was easier than 90% of my eldest's years.

And for all of them, young adult parenting has completely sucked.

[Junie]

I haven't gotten all of mine to adulthood yet, but I vote for the potty training stage as being the worst. 

[Spryte]

3 hours ago, Tree Frog said:

It's hard because the rules (very loose definition) you made as a parent all changed and sometimes it's hard to know how they've changed and what the new expectation is. And frequently, the young adult doesn't know, either, but chafes at the old expectations. It sometimes requires a lot of humble communicating. 

This, exactly.

[KSera]

16 minutes ago, Junie said:

I haven't gotten all of mine to adulthood yet, but I vote for the potty training stage as being the worst. 

Really?! Oh my goodness, if only parenting my young adults was as easy as potty training them was. Even the worst day potty training I can't imagine carrying the kind of stress and repercussions of parenting young adults going through hard times. Worst that happens, you have poop on your floor 🤷‍♀️. Sign me up.

[Junie]

2 minutes ago, KSera said:

Really?! Oh my goodness, if only parenting my young adults was as easy as potty training them was. Even the worst day potty training I can't imagine carrying the kind of stress and repercussions of parenting young adults going through hard times. Worst that happens, you have poop on your floor 🤷‍♀️. Sign me up.

Well, so far this is my experience.  Sure, there have been some hiccups, but potty training was truly miserable here.  I think part of it is that my kids are spaced closely together, so it seemed that potty training was never ending for a decade.  

[KSera]

2 minutes ago, Junie said:

 I think part of it is that my kids are spaced closely together, so it seemed that potty training was never ending for a decade.  

Whereas parenting young adults is going to be continuous for a minimum of two decades for me 😂 😭. 

[Farrar]

Honestly, I also think the potty training stage was the worst. They used to rip off their diapers and smear poop and laugh about it. OMG. I completely lost it a few times. And they still weren't sleeping through the night even though they were like 3. I'm telling you... if it somehow gets HARDER than that, I don't even know. I'm too old for this stuff.

I'm two hot seconds away from two adults. Hopefully I won't have to reassess in a couple of years.

[Amethyst]

36 minutes ago, Junie said:

I haven't gotten all of mine to adulthood yet, but I vote for the potty training stage as being the worst. 

Nope. Been there. It was awful. I had one that was almost FIVE before he was potty trained. Ugh. Awful. Still voting for young adulthood. 

[freesia]

I rocked potty training! I am finding the young adult stage harder for sure. When it’s good, it’s really good—they aren’t as moody, they talk and listen. But the ramifications of decisions and deciding how much to support and when to keep your mouth closed are all just hard. 

[Forget-Me-Not]

2 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Oh I can't imagine! It must be, but I'm 8 weeks pregnant right now, and no one can convince me this isnt the hardest stage. 😭 I suck at pregnancy. I just want my baby (my favorite stage)

Congratulations!! 
 

I agree that each stage presents its own challenges, but I have to agree that late teen/young adulthood has been hard for me in a whole new way. I can’t always fix their problems with the standard food/shower/nap thing anymore. Though when my college age son called freaking out about a class last night, I did ask if he’d had dinner and encouraged him to just go to bed because he couldn’t do any more at that point and everything looks better on the other side of a good night’s rest. So maybe I am still using it somewhat LOL. 

[Melissa Louise]

I thought about this more and would definitely not swap young adult parenting for sleepless nights with infants, so I guess lack of sleep was worse. 

I think this stage just requires a whole new skill set. And you're doing it without the benefit of constant oxytocin rushes. 

You have to learn a sort of loving detachment from your adult kids. It takes practise (well, it did for me). 

[Katy]

5 minutes ago, Forget-Me-Not said:

Congratulations!! 
 

I agree that each stage presents its own challenges, but I have to agree that late teen/young adulthood has been hard for me in a whole new way. I can’t always fix their problems with the standard food/shower/nap thing anymore. Though when my college age son called freaking out about a class last night, I did ask if he’d had dinner and encouraged him to just go to bed because he couldn’t do any more at that point and everything looks better on the other side of a good night’s rest. So maybe I am still using it somewhat LOL. 

I've found myself doing this with DH.  It usually does help!

[Junie]

43 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I thought about this more and would definitely not swap young adult parenting for sleepless nights with infants, so I guess lack of sleep was worse. 

I think this stage just requires a whole new skill set. And you're doing it without the benefit of constant oxytocin rushes. 

You have to learn a sort of loving detachment from your adult kids. It takes practise (well, it did for me). 

Oh, yes! This is why potty training was so hard here -- because I usually also had an infant at the times I had a toddler who was in the potty-training stage.  So it was a double whammy, especially since most of my babies were not good sleepers.

[Porridge]

Nooooo!!! Tell me it gets easier, please!!!

[*****]

6 hours ago, KSera said:

My kids span the range of little to adult, so I'm in all stages and it's definitely the older teens and young adults who are the hardest here.

That was my family. Back in the late 60's, my mom was in the hospital delivering her last baby (large family here). My oldest sister announced she was madly in love and was going to marry John before he went off to the army. Mom just said, "I have 3 days in the hospital, let me have my 3 days and then we will deal with this."   (Back then 3 days were customary in the hospital when delivering a baby.) Now that I think of it, I bet my mom savored every minute of her time there.   (Nope, there was no talking my sister out of it, and years later, it did end in divorce. Sister recently told me she wished my parents would have tried harder to talk her out of it...(grrr!)

[LMD]

3 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

I thought about this more and would definitely not swap young adult parenting for sleepless nights with infants, so I guess lack of sleep was worse. 

I think this stage just requires a whole new skill set. And you're doing it without the benefit of constant oxytocin rushes. 

You have to learn a sort of loving detachment from your adult kids. It takes practise (well, it did for me). 

I'll get to try both at once in a few months (young adult + new infant). 

Pray for me y'all 

 

 

At present - ya/teenage girls are the hardest. At least mine. It's not even close. 🤐

[Melissa Louise]

18 minutes ago, LMD said:

I'll get to try both at once in a few months (young adult + new infant). 

Pray for me y'all 

 

 

At present - ya/teenage girls are the hardest. At least mine. It's not even close. 🤐

New infant?! 

Congrats!!

I will light all the candles for you 🙂

[LMD]

26 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

New infant?! 

Congrats!!

I will light all the candles for you 🙂

Thank you!

Yes, gigantic surprise 😄 new baby boy due in Nov.

[Ann.without.an.e]

I’ve said for a while… younger kids are more tiring physically and teens/young adults are more tiring emotionally/mentally. I’d take physical exhaustion over emotional/mental exhaustion any day 😜. 

[Elizabeth86]

6 hours ago, Forget-Me-Not said:

Congratulations!! 
 

I agree that each stage presents its own challenges, but I have to agree that late teen/young adulthood has been hard for me in a whole new way. I can’t always fix their problems with the standard food/shower/nap thing anymore. Though when my college age son called freaking out about a class last night, I did ask if he’d had dinner and encouraged him to just go to bed because he couldn’t do any more at that point and everything looks better on the other side of a good night’s rest. So maybe I am still using it somewhat LOL. 

Thank you! We are so excited. 

[Guest]

10 hours ago, mommyoffive said:

Yeah, I am feeling this.  No adults yet, but man this worries me for the future.  Does it get better at a certain age?  When they get married, get a job, reach full adulthood?  Give me something positive to focus on it.

I’m sure it is situation-dependent, but I feel good about the place my dd (25 yo, married and employed) is in. I’m happy about who she married and I’m satisfied with her other life choices. 
 

My second child (m, 22yo, just graduated from college), I will worry less when he secures a “real” job. And probably still less when/if he gets married to his gf. 
 

My youngest (m, 17yo, one more year of high school) still gives me plenty to worry about. 😏