If your kid has life threatening food allergies, what precautions do you take and ask other people to take?

[Drama Llama]

I really want to make a cake that has almonds for my niece's graduation.  I don't know why, I just found a recipe that looks really good and I want to make it. It fits with our theme 🤪

One of my other nieces, who is 10 and typically developing, has allergies to all nuts and tree nuts, and we don't even keep nuts in our kitchen, because I want my kid and Pop to be able to experiment freely and not worry about grabbing the wrong ingredient, but we could make it at my other SIL's house where they do use nuts on occasions.

We'll have a other desserts that would be nut free, and could put it in a separate place, up high out of baby/toddler reach (because I could see her little brother sticking his hand in it, and maybe touching her).

Is there a point when this becomes reasonable?  Her mom will not think it's reasonable, but I want to hear from other allergy parents.

[Katy]

Not reasonable. 

[Drama Llama]

 

Just now, Katy said:

Not reasonable. 

Which one of us is not being reasonable?

[Jean in Newcastle]

It’s not reasonable to make something that a guest and family member is deathly allergic to just because you think it looks good. 

[Katy]

Make the cake for some event when no one allergic to it will be there. 

[73349]

I would not make something that's a serious danger to one of the guests when I could readily do something else. Allergic niece's mom will not be able to enjoy the event if she feels like she has to police a cake. Allergic niece, especially if she is at all anxiety-prone, might find it very stressful, too.
 

(POV: We don't have LTFAs in our family, but do have celiac disease and keep a gf kitchen.)

 

Edited April 30, 2022 by 73349

[Harriet Vane]

It is not reasonable to make that cake at all. You know your niece will be there and is allergic, so that door is closed. That goes double when you know the parent has placed boundaries.

(My perspective is informed by raising a don who was lactose intolerant. I currently cope with permanent food intolerances as well.)

[prairiewindmomma]

As someone with anaphylactic allergies, I am agreeing with the others—there is no reasonable accommodation with anaphylactic nut allergies. Even if you all were outside and used disposable everything, it’s just so risky. Even a decorative nut falling off a plate onto a folding chair could be an issue.

[barnwife]

So you want to make a food that you know a guest is deathly allergic to because it looks good? 

Oh. 

I wouldn't, especially because it's an allergen that easily spread/transerferable (no idea if those are the right terms). I mean, if you made a dessert with milk in it and had it labeled as such so that lactose intolerant guests would know to choose a different dessert, that's one thing. But nuts are different.

ETA: If you/someone did this, and I was Mom of Kid with Allergies, I would be very unhappy with you,, presuming I knew you knew ahead of time. To me, it would say you basically don't care about Kid and I would basically never again trust you, at least not with food.

Edited April 30, 2022 by barnwife

[EKS]

I find it odd that you are concerned enough about your nut-allergic niece to keep your own kitchen nut free at all times but want to make a cake that could kill her for a party you know she will be attending. 

There are zillions of cake recipes that don't include nuts.  Make one of those.

[Drama Llama]

So, just out of curiosity, does that mean that none of you take your kids with nut allergies to places where nuts might be, like birthday parties? 

[goldberry]

If I knew a kid that I had invited had a serious allergy, I would not make a cake that contained that ingredient, period.  I would not do it, even if that kid was not a family member, but just a random kid invited.  So especially for a family member, I would feel like I above all others should make them feel comfortable at the party and not have to worry.

[prairiewindmomma]

1 minute ago, Baseballandhockey said:

So, just out of curiosity, does that mean that none of you take your kids with nut allergies to places where nuts might be, like birthday parties? 

Yup. My peanut allergic daughter did not go many places because we valued keeping her alive. It also meant we had to leave a lot of outings if we saw/smelled peanuts. 

Chipotle was one of the few restaurants we could eat at, and even still we wiped the table down thoroughly before we sat down to eat. 
 

Nut allergies are next level because the reaction can be triggered by airborne stuff. It’s nothing like the other allergies we deal with. 

[prairiewindmomma]

ETA: fish and shellfish are the other categories of concern with re: to aerosolization, in case you have other allergic family/friends

[prairiewindmomma]

Fwiw, I would not blame auntie if she re-evaluated her relationship with you if you served the cake. We had a grandma send nut containing presents one year and we never left her alone with the kids again. She clearly did not understand the level of risk. It’s ok that she didn’t, but our anaphylactic kids are only left alone without a designated shot giver once they can manage their own epipens. They carry epipens everywhere, 24/7. So, until they were 12-14, an adult was in earshot, always.

Play dates were very limited because I had few friends who were willing to take on the responsibility. (But gosh, I love those women so much I would give them a kidney, iykwim.) 

The idea that you would consider serving a cake because it looked nice is a serious gut punch to all of us who have lived the years of vigilance…that’s why we are all reacting the way we are.

Hugs. Come up with a new cake plan.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It seems like this idea is more about getting back at the SIL.  It's not about making a yummy cake - there are tons of yummy non-nut cakes out there.  And it's not about honoring the niece's graduation - that can be celebrated equally well in a nutfree environment. 

[goldberry]

1 minute ago, prairiewindmomma said:

The idea that you would consider serving a cake because it looked nice is a serious gut punch to all of us who have lived the years of vigilance…that’s why we are all reacting the way we are.

Hugs. Come up with a new cake plan.

That's the core of it, I think, that it is only a minor (or not at all) inconvenience to choose a different cake, but to the person with the allergies it is a HUGE deal and makes a difference if they are able to come, or able to enjoy the gathering without constant worry and stress.  So from my perspective, it's an easy accommodation from my side to make.

So it's not about what "they are asking me to do" it's about what I would WANT to do so that they feel comfortable and welcome.  My vegan MIL always says don't bother to accommodate her she's used to bringing her own food.  But when she is invited I always make SOMETHING she can eat just as a token that I am welcoming her.  And that's not even life-threatening.

[KSera]

18 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

So, just out of curiosity, does that mean that none of you take your kids with nut allergies to places where nuts might be, like birthday parties? 

That is the case for the life threatening nut allergy kid I know most closely. They homeschooled due to nut allergy and didn’t attend any homeschool events that would include food. 

[Annie G]

Nut allergies can be so deadly. What if someone eats the cake and leaves trace amounts of nuts behind at the table and niece sits there? What if someone touches your niece after having the cake? It just doesn’t seem worth the risk. 

Edited April 30, 2022 by Annie G

[mathmarm]

It's not reasonable to make a cake that could literally kill one of the guests at this event.

Cakes can be designed, cut and styled to fit a theme regardless of the ingredients.

Please make a cake that does not pose a life-threatening risk to a minor-guest.

If any thing goes wrong, you will never be able to go back or apologize.

[QueenCat]

Under no circumstances should this cake be made when your niece is in attendance. I don't get why this is even a question. 

[mathmarm]

40 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

So, just out of curiosity, does that mean that none of you take your kids with nut allergies to places where nuts might be, like birthday parties? 

Would you take your kids to events where an item laced with deadly-poison was going to be served?

Would you take them even if there were a whole spread of food and only one of the items contained a deadly-poison?

Your niece has been conditioned to trust you--your food, your home and your cooking--with her life.

How bizarre to flip the script and explain that today, you have decided to endanger her life because look at how cool this cake looks!

You can make a cake that looks just as cool and amazing as whatever this Cake is, without endangering the life of your niece and risking your family over it.

Edited April 30, 2022 by mathmarm

[Clarita]

I know 2 people in my life (my BIL and a friend of mine) who are very allergic to a lot of foods. I would have to say though at some point both those people just bring their own food everywhere. Occasionally or if they were the only people we invited then we accommodate. Of course both of them include severe gluten allergy (in their lists) so accommodating them does require me to thoroughly clean food prep surfaces and dishes prior to making their meals. If there are lots of other guests involved we all collectively throw our hands up and they bring their own food. So I do think at some point there is a limit to the accommodation.

If it's just a nut allergy, and easily accommodated for then just pick a different cake. If she visits a lot and you feel it severely hampers what your extended family might be able to enjoy, that would be the only time that I would say to bring it up with everyone involved and see what could be done. We've plated all of BIL's food before everyone else and kept it completely separate from contaminants. 

 

[Loowit]

My DS has a nut allergy and I would not take him if I knew there would be nuts.  We missed out on the last few Christmases with my grandmother because other family members (aunts and cousins) would not give up nut desserts.  He has miss out on a lot of birthday parties and other events because nuts were more important, or I just didn't want to push things or make a big deal about it.  We have left more than one event because nuts were present even though it was supposed to be safe.  But I have also found some very accommodating parents who made sure to make DS feel included.

I do not think it is too much to ask for family to keep things nut free.  My sister is gluten free and uses a lot of nut subs, but she avoids those for family gatherings and is super careful about cooking on separate pans when she is making things for our family gatherings.

I have seen my DS in anaphylaxis and it is scary.  It was from trace amounts on something so not even something made with nuts and before we knew he had an almond allergy.  TBH, at that age if DS had heard that a relative wanted to bring a nut dish to a gathering, he would have asked me why they wanted to kill him.  He was (is) a bit of a black and white thinker.

Now that DS is older we have become a bit more lenient about food gatherings, but often he will need to take his own or just skip the food portion of the event.  He is old enough now that he knows to keep his hands out of his mouth and wash frequently when around foods.  I research restaurants thoroughly if he is going with us to make sure they have good allergy precautions before taking him.  He has learned to be his own advocate now, but when he was younger he needed me to help him.  However, we still expect family gatherings to be nut free, and will forever.  Family should be a safe place where he doesn't have to constantly be vigilant and on guard.

[melbotoast]

It's a LIFE-THREATENING allergy. Make the cake another time.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I have a LFTA to seafood and shellfish(likely not every single fish out there but I haven’t really cared to figure it out). I am talking I’ve been intubated twice and in cardiac arrest very briefly once(was shocked out of the lethal rhythm).

My family/parents/in laws do not serve either when I am going to be there. In fact since my in laws are our primary source of childcare and I’m frequently at their home, they have kindly chosen to no longer eat seafood at their home in case I stopped by or there was accidental cross contamination. 
Personally, I would choose to not attend a family event, no matter how important, if there was going to be a food I was allergic too. Accidental cross contamination is too much of a risk. There are only two restaurants I will eat at.

Someone with an allergy that is not anaphylactic may have different mileage. My mom and DH are allergic to gluten but still will attend events where gluten is there, because they aren’t going to die from accidental exposure.

so no, I don’t think you’re being reasonable.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

54 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

So, just out of curiosity, does that mean that none of you take your kids with nut allergies to places where nuts might be, like birthday parties? 

Not my kids, but yes. I do not go anyplace where there might be seafood. If one of my children had an LFTA to nuts, we would not go anyplace with nuts. There is no reasonable accommodation for some LFTA, particularly those that can be airborne, and so there are sometimes and places we just don’t go.

[sbgrace]

55 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

So, just out of curiosity, does that mean that none of you take your kids with nut allergies to places where nuts might be, like birthday parties? 

My son goes to those places--but he either doesn't eat at all or takes all his own food and dishes. It's a pain and sometimes people make it weird or awkward. But it's really not safe otherwise with anaphylaxis. 

I do not think it's kind to make the cake. If you do make it, I highly suggest she not eat or big precautions are taken with what she eats, when, and where. I know you don't want her harmed. 

 

[scholastica]

You have to ask yourself whether the cake looks good enough to risk your niece’s life because that’s what you’d be doing.

 

[DeainUSA]

It's such a gift to go somewhere and not have to worry.  It would be hurtful for some contributing to the menu to disregard the small token of being cautious.  I'd rather you not bring anything.

[mom2bee]

1 hour ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I really want to make a cake that has almonds for my niece's graduation.  I don't know why, I just found a recipe that looks really good and I want to make it. It fits with our theme 🤪

The board has so many talented minds on it. I'm sure someone here can help you find a cake recipe that will also look really good, fit with theme and not potentially create a rift in your family.

It's hard, because Life Threatening Food Allergies do place limits on the lives of the person with the allergy as well as the lives of those who include an Allergic person in their own lives.

 

Thank you for including your Allergic-Niece in your life so thoughtfully for the last 10 years. It's not easy.

Thank you for checking your impulses and seeking a way to keep her included on this special day, as well.

I don't think that making the cake--in this context--is reasonable, because a person, a child could die.

Even if you can get over that for yourself, I don't see how you will EVER be able to make that right with her parents, your children, your parents, etc.

Please, let us help you find another cake that will fit the theme and look amazing.

 

[73349]

1 hour ago, Baseballandhockey said:

So, just out of curiosity, does that mean that none of you take your kids with nut allergies to places where nuts might be, like birthday parties? 

The mom I know with a nut-allergic child started her own homeschool group for classes and has made it a nut-free environment. No nuts in lunches or snacks ever. This means I need to schedule DS for classes either before lunch or after, not both, because nuts are so much a part of our diet (e.g., PB&J on almond flour tortillas--we are strictly gf and no food coloring and mostly plant-based) that I would likely mess it up eventually, but I think she 100% did the right thing to keep her kid safe and provide somewhere the family can participate. I have DS wash his hands before we leave to go there.
Covid makes it hard enough to have a social life, and a nut-allergic family has to literally design life around food safety (and deal with other people's complaints about how inconvenient it is to avoid killing their loved one).

Edited April 30, 2022 by 73349

[Pawz4me]

Many years ago I didn't really get the nut allergy thing. But thanks in large part to the Hive I got more educated on that, and changed what used to be a very ignorant, backward way of looking at things (just posting that mostly to say that yes, sometimes minds do get changed by things posted here).

There is no way on earth I'd serve anything with nuts in it at an event where I knew someone had a life threatening allergy. Because . . why? Why would I even consider it? I can't come up with a single reason. Plus nuts are really, really easy to avoid. They're not major ingredients like gluten (regular flour, etc.) or dairy products.

Now I'm lactose intolerant and have a few other foods I need to avoid for various reasons. But none are life threatening. At worst if I eat an offending food my intestines are going to be very unhappy for a few days. Perhaps I'll have to stay home. But I really will get over it. And I don't ever expect anyone to cater to me. I can police my own food intake, or bring my own food, or wait until later to eat. None of those are a big deal.

But a life threatening allergy is a whole different thing. Worlds different.

[AmandaVT]

I wouldn't make the cake. 

That said, schools (at least near me) are moving to an Allergy Aware model, which means students aren't asked to not bring in certain foods. But, everyone is asked to be aware of food allergies. Our kids have been taught to wash their hands before and after eating. We have a designated nut-free table, that students are welcome to eat at if there are no nut products in their food. Many choose to only bring in nut-free foods. Our cafeteria does not cook foods with nuts either. We have a student with a very scary nut allergy - if someone eats and touches the wall, leaving residue on the wall and this student happens to touch it, he would be hospitalized. But, the idea is that kids will have to learn to live in the world, with nuts, or whatever other allergy they have. So, we teach others how to be respectful of people with allergies and we teach students with allergies how to advocate for themselves and manage their allergy safely. His teachers are trained in using epi-pens. We do a lot to keep them safe, but one of the things does include not forbidding students to bring nuts. It works well (I'm in a middle school, so the kids are old enough to learn this stuff) and the kids are cautious and aware. 

I still wouldn't make the cake. If it looks that yummy, make it another time, when this niece won't be in attendance. 

[ktgrok]

51 minutes ago, mathmarm said:

It's not reasonable to make a cake that could literally kill one of the guests at this event.

 

 

15 minutes ago, scholastica said:

You have to ask yourself whether the cake looks good enough to risk your niece’s life because that’s what you’d be doing.

 

All this.

all the times you have accommodated kosher folks, etc and after the trauma of losing a child, how you can even consider thinking  it is ok to serve something literally deadly at an event your niece will be at astonishes me. You are not that person. 
if someone eats it and then coughs on her it could kill her. Why on earth would you do that do no actual reason?

[Lori D.]

Just the smell from being in the same room, or the smell on the breath of other people eating the allergen can trigger allergic reaction. Even if your niece does not have life-threatening allergies at this time, every new exposure to the allergen increases the intensity of reaction for the future.

My nephew has severe peanut allergy and had to make an emergency room trip, just from being on the opposite side of a classroom and breathing the peanut smell of an activity involving peanuts that were being manipulated -- that he was not touching, no one touched him, and no one was eating. That's how severe allergic reaction can become.

If not all can participate in the dessert safely, then it's really not very loving to bring that dessert. And it is certainly not responsible to bring that dessert -- to introduce a known allergen into a gathering where someone could experience damage to their health as a result.

There are plenty of other fun -- and safe! -- times you can try out your new dessert when no one with nut allergies is present.

[mom2bee]

@Baseballandhockey,

I think that (after this event) you should talk with your sister directly. Tell her that you're interested in exploring new recipes and seem to be going through a phase with trying lots of new recipes and many of the ones on your list happen to include nuts.

Let her know that while you're exploring this phase, you're no longer keeping a Nut Free home, and that you wanted to let her know so that you guys can plan accordingly with get together, visits and play-dates.

I think it's better to be open about the decision to not be Nut-Free at a time that is not right before a big event. That way she's not caught off-guard.

No anger or judgement. Sis might not be happy, but that's on her to manage, not you.
OP, You don't have to lead a Nut Free life because your niece is allergic, but I  think that you should make that decision and announce the decision openly so that mom can plan accordingly.

You've been very generous and very thoughtful for a decade. The time to bring this up is not right before a big family get together, or during the holiday season.

Mention it privately and directly to your sister at a better time.

Explore some recipes that include nuts in your own home. Share some special treats with your kids.

Teach them about cross-contamination, and food-safety for their cousin and other allergic people (ie: You can't eat peanut-butter cookies in the car on the way to an event with cousin), but also teach them how to have open communication.

Once you've indulged in Nut-inclusive foods for a time, you can decide if you want to return to a Nut Free home for your nieces-sake or not.

[Danae]

Why would you do that?  It’s not like it’s the graduate’s favorite childhood recipe that she really wants to have. It’s a new recipe that no one knows about and no one will miss if you make something else. 
 

If your goal is for your annoying SIL and her family to never eat with you again, this might be a good strategy.  But do you really want to risk your niece’s life for that result?

[Lori D.]

2 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

So, just out of curiosity, does that mean that none of you take your kids with nut allergies to places where nuts might be, like birthday parties? 

Nope. My sister had to strictly monitor everything. For trick-or-treat, she purchased or made special nut-free treats and in advance handed them around to the neighbors to give to her son on Halloween. Nephew did not go to many parties -- only those where my sister could vet in advance the nut-freeness -- AND she attended and hovered like a hawk to make sure there was no accidental exposure. 

She was trying to keep her son alive.

It was a 24/7 job, and until he was a teen and was very vigilant on his own behalf, she never felt she could let her guard down and just let him go without monitoring the situation.

Edited April 30, 2022 by Lori D.

[Carrie12345]

No real allergies in our house. We do not bring nut products outside of our home ever. Anywhere. We do not host people with nut allergies in our very nutty home. And we only serve prepackaged gluten-free items with disposable utensils and plates with celiac people.
Cross-contamination terrifies me, and nothing is worth risking it.

My kids are even more cautious than I am. They’re more in tune with the kids. We know who could die.

[JustEm]

I can't imagine why you would keep your own kitchen nut free for this niece but then make a nut dish for a party she will be at. Save the cake for a day you know she won't be around. 

[azucena]

As the mother of a child with life-threatening nut allergies, I would be upset if you brought a cake with almonds to my house. 

I would also be very confused.  Gently: you and your family have had so much trauma and sadness - why would you take this risk?

[Ann.without.an.e]

Do you want to be treated as a safe space? We (as family) tend to look after each other in this area and we know where our safe places are and are not. If you make the choice to have a Food containing nuts when you know your niece is allergic, you are mentally changing your space from safe to unsafe for your family. I speak as a mom to two kids who are terribly allergic to dairy. I know The places where food can be trusted and cannot be trusted. Keeping my reputation of being trustworthy with my family would be more important than any cake flavor ❤️ So, @Baseballandhockey you can make it if you really feel that need. But you must tell your family and it will change their view of your space. What you can’t do is then get upset when your space is treated and/or viewed as unsafe places are treated. You can’t have both. 

I would opt to make it for an event or a family situation where your niece will not be involved.

edited because voice dictation sucks 😂

Edited April 30, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Jean in Newcastle]

Adults with food allergies are better equipped to manage them and to bring their own food (though honestly it takes a lot of the enjoyment out of social events). Children are a different scenario. I know that as a mom of kids with allergies, try as I might, I couldn’t keep my eye on them every second at a busy event. 

[wendyroo]

My kids attend a weekly nature group. One of the children in the class has a nut allergy, so no children are allowed to bring any nut products for lunches or snacks. They even ask (and we happily comply) that no children eat nuts for breakfast that morning because traces can remain in saliva for many hours and a sneeze could land the allergic child in the hospital or worse.

We deal with our own LTFA here, though not as severe or transferable as nuts. It is so, so hard to keep our kiddo safe as he ventures into the world, and I can't even image how much harder it is for families with especially severe allergies. I am willing to bend over backwards to make them feel safe and the children feel included...because I know it is a blow to my kiddo every time he sees something yummy and is told he alone can't have it.

[QueenCat]

2 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

So, just out of curiosity, does that mean that none of you take your kids with nut allergies to places where nuts might be, like birthday parties? 

I can't think of a single person, family or not, that didn't make their party nut free when needed so that my son could attend the event. And for him, it wasn't even life-threatening. But they all wanted to make sure he was safe and could eat everything. An event with hundreds might not be possible, but a birthday, yes. Easy to make nut-free. Even more so if you know about it and it wasn't an accident!

Edited April 30, 2022 by QueenCat

[Terabith]

My oldest has a food allergy to fish.  Tests by the allergist put it in the life threatening/ anaphylaxis range, but in real life reactions have not necessitated hospitalization.  That said, we figured out the salmon allergy after only a couple exposures and didn't serve it to oldest.  We did not know about allergy to tuna and other white fish until actual allergy testing, and we served that for a lot longer, but they seem to be MUCH more allergic to salmon and perch than to tuna or white fish.  

At this juncture, we do not serve fish in our home.  Oldest is bothered by the smell and claims to be bothered by the smell on breath after we eat it elsewhere.  That said, we feel like fish is part of a healthy diet, and now that oldest is 18, we're planning next year to start serving it at home.  Oldest will theoretically be in a dorm, but might come home a lot because school is local.  We feel like at this point, they have other options.   

We do eat fish in restaurants and other places.  Oldest doesn't like the smell but has never reacted to it.  They attended Catholic school for five years, and fish was often served in the cafeteria, and they did not react.  The level of their reactions has not seemed to justify limiting their life experiences; they just don't eat the fish.  We wouldn't avoid a gathering where fish was served.  But again, fish is different than nuts, and I think the level of reactions that a kid has makes a huge difference, too.  

Oldest knew by age three or four that they were allergic to fish and not to eat it.  That said, fish is a much easier allergen to avoid than nuts.  

I think honestly that it's kind but probably overkill for four households to be kept completely nut free.  I would probably stop keeping my own house nut free, especially since she's not spending a ton of time over at your house.  If she did happen to come to my house, I'd clean kitchen well and be particularly mindful of cross contamination, but I don't think there's a reason you can't make foods with nuts at your own home.  I'd skip it for gatherings where she'll be present, unless everyone involved thought that was reasonable.  (Maybe she's done allergy shots or something that reduced the danger or something?). I think in actuality, an outdoor gathering with clearly labeled dessert that contains nuts with a neurotypical ten year old who has not had a severe reaction is probably reasonably safe, but it's easy not to make this cake, so why take the risk?  If kid had the type of reactions where she reacts to people who have eaten nuts hours earlier or if someone who has touched nuts touches a table and she touches it or such, then obviously it would be completely out of the question.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

4 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

I can't think of a single person, family or not, that didn't make their party nut free when needed so that my son could attend the event (adult now, no longer an issue). An event with hundreds might not be possible, but a birthday, yes. Easy to make nut-free. Even more so if you know about it and it wasn't an accident!

It goes along with the safe space vs unsafe space protocol. If someone was unwilling to make it allergy friendly, they aren’t considered a safe space and therefore you’re on high alert.  For me, that means only food I bring is eaten. It means different things for different families.

[ktgrok]

10 minutes ago, Terabith said:

My oldest has a food allergy to fish.  Tests by the allergist put it in the life threatening/ anaphylaxis range, but in real life reactions have not necessitated hospitalization.  That said, we figured out the salmon allergy after only a couple exposures and didn't serve it to oldest.  We did not know about allergy to tuna and other white fish until actual allergy testing, and we served that for a lot longer, but they seem to be MUCH more allergic to salmon and perch than to tuna or white fish.  

At this juncture, we do not serve fish in our home.  Oldest is bothered by the smell and claims to be bothered by the smell on breath after we eat it elsewhere.  That said, we feel like fish is part of a healthy diet, and now that oldest is 18, we're planning next year to start serving it at home.  Oldest will theoretically be in a dorm, but might come home a lot because school is local.  We feel like at this point, they have other options.   

We do eat fish in restaurants and other places.  Oldest doesn't like the smell but has never reacted to it.  They attended Catholic school for five years, and fish was often served in the cafeteria, and they did not react.  The level of their reactions has not seemed to justify limiting their life experiences; they just don't eat the fish.  We wouldn't avoid a gathering where fish was served.  But again, fish is different than nuts, and I think the level of reactions that a kid has makes a huge difference, too.  

Oldest knew by age three or four that they were allergic to fish and not to eat it.  That said, fish is a much easier allergen to avoid than nuts.  

I think honestly that it's kind but probably overkill for four households to be kept completely nut free.  I would probably stop keeping my own house nut free, especially since she's not spending a ton of time over at your house.  If she did happen to come to my house, I'd clean kitchen well and be particularly mindful of cross contamination, but I don't think there's a reason you can't make foods with nuts at your own home.  I'd skip it for gatherings where she'll be present, unless everyone involved thought that was reasonable.  (Maybe she's done allergy shots or something that reduced the danger or something?). I think in actuality, an outdoor gathering with clearly labeled dessert that contains nuts with a neurotypical ten year old who has not had a severe reaction is probably reasonably safe, but it's easy not to make this cake, so why take the risk?  If kid had the type of reactions where she reacts to people who have eaten nuts hours earlier or if someone who has touched nuts touches a table and she touches it or such, then obviously it would be completely out of the question.  

Fyi, I had a minor shellfish allergy I seemed to have outgrown, (runs in the family) and yes, the smell DID make me feel somewhat sick. It is a hard to describe feeling, but looking back I wish I'd made a bigger deal of it to my parents, as it was very clearly a reaction to the molecules in the air. We know now that that is enough to trigger a reaction. In my case it was stomach pain, nausea, and sometimes headache. Nothing so blatant that as a kid I could really explain, just that it made me feel yucky. If it makes him feel yucky, please believe him. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

9 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

Fyi, I had a minor shellfish allergy I seemed to have outgrown, (runs in the family) and yes, the smell DID make me feel somewhat sick. It is a hard to describe feeling, but looking back I wish I'd made a bigger deal of it to my parents, as it was very clearly a reaction to the molecules in the air. We know now that that is enough to trigger a reaction. In my case it was stomach pain, nausea, and sometimes headache. Nothing so blatant that as a kid I could really explain, just that it made me feel yucky. If it makes him feel yucky, please believe him. 

I’ve read that fish cannot cause airborne allergies, so idk if my body just treats the smell as a threat nor or what, but I have broken out in hives from nothing but an airborne fish smell. Not anaphylaxis from that though, just hives.