I hate being told to smile

[SKL]

I like seeing "character teeth" better, to be honest.

[I got Invisalign in my 50s because my bottom teeth were super crooked and I constantly had food stuck in them.  Was worried I'd be unable to care for them in old age.  I would have kept my top teeth as they were, but the dentist said they needed to move in order to make the bottom work.]

[SKL]

Also I'm not big on smiling either, especially when I am stressed out.  I think I smile more in middle age, kuz I don't worry as much about most things.  I've learned to laugh at how ridiculous most things are in this world.  It might also have been self-training.  It is possible the term RBF was inspired by me.  😛

[MEmama]

19 minutes ago, Katy said:

I think a lot of men, especially single men without sisters, think of women and girls as objects instead of people, so it’s fine to demand the objects be more pleasant to fit their fantasy. DH said he had never seen or heard of anyone behaving like this. He was horrified when I was reading him this thread last night. He couldn’t imagine telling anyone to smile, though once when a woman glared at him coming out of a convenience store he was tempted to apologize. He has sisters, neither of whom are afraid of confrontation. 

I recently heard Jordan Peterson talk about the phenomenon of men being terrified to have a relationship with a woman. They wouldn’t speak to women, pretended it was because they were too intimidated but he thought it was because they preferred their fantasy to a real person who would have expectations, demands, and flaws. 

My DH didn’t think this or most of the BS we put up with every day happened either until he *finally* saw the light. Now he’s pretty quick to point it out both on tv and irl, but it did take decades of listening to me before he started to get it.
 
Recognizing systemic misogyny takes hard work, but once you know you see it everywhere. 

[Indigo Blue]

Wow. This makes me think back to when I worked at Burger King when I was 17. I was a shy and very soft spoken. The manager used to tell us cashiers to always, always smile when taking orders. We had small meetings about it in the back. Then HE would literally go stand out where the customers line up to be served and face us and watch us for 20 minutes or more to look at our faces to see if we were smiling and seemed friendly enough!! I could not force myself to smile under pressure and on command like that! I was mortified and thought I’d surely not be working there long. Honestly, you can be natural and friendly enough just fine without having to plaster on a fake and forced smile. I mean, you could just be like this🙂or this😌or this😊. This😃 or this 😁is just too much when you’ve been on your feet for hours and customers are just plain grouchy, anyway. 
 

I must’ve looked like: “May I take your order?”😬
 

 

Edited April 14, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[SKL]

6 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Wow. This makes me think back to when I worked at Burger King when I was 17. I was a shy and very soft spoken. The manager used to tell us cashiers to always, always smile when taking orders. We had small meetings about it in the back. Then HE would literally go stand out where the customers line up to be served and face us and watch us for 20 minutes or more to look at our faces to see if we were smiling and seemed friendly enough!! I could not force myself to smile under pressure and on command like that! I was mortified and thought I’d surely not be working there long. Honestly, you can be natural and friendly enough just fine without having to plaster on a fake and forced smile. I mean, you could just be like this🙂or this😌or this😊. This😃 or this 😁is just too much when you’ve been on your feet for hours and customers are just plain grouchy, anyway. 
 

I must’ve looked like: “May I take your order?”😬

This reminds me that when I was 19 I was threatened with firing from my grocery deli job if I didn't smile more.  (That job was not a fit for multiple reasons.  :P)

[wintermom]

When I was a teen, I walked into a life-guard  safety training session with a co-worker (a teen girl who was gorgeous). I heard a few comments from young guys as we walked in the room, "Look at her smile!" They could have said look at __________________ (butt, hips, breasts, etc.). Nope, it was the bright beautiful smile she flashed as she walking in the room. 

I would have said, "She's got great hair." I'm hair fixated. 😅

I smile, but it's not bright nor beautiful, it's probably slightly better then my neutral 'angry' mama face. 😁

Edited April 14, 2022 by wintermom

[Spryte]

Telling a random stranger to smile is obnoxious and rude. I’ve gotten it, too, though never, never if I’m out with DH, so it slowed down a lot as I got older and we were more able to spend more time together. That says something right there. But, yeh, being treated as a decoration in someone stranger’s world is not ok. I smile a lot, just naturally, but being told to smile is a quick way to make me scowl. 

I worked in a public facing job for a while, and can’t count how many men told me to smile. It was as if I needed to be a puppet with a constant, dopey smile. 10 hour day on my feet, no breaks, packing up to go home from an art show (so doing physical work, somewhat behind the scenes), and if someone walked up at the end of the day and caught me with a straight face, I’d hear it out of the blue. Ugh. Not a single woman ever said it. Only men.

Misogyny is everywhere.

 

[Selkie]

This has never happened to me. I would find it very weird and annoying.

[SKL]

To be fair, my daughter and I both commented (to each other) about the grumpy look of the male tech who took her x-rays yesterday.  My daughter said he didn't look happy to be there, and I said we don't know what may be happening in his life to make him seem so glum.

(FTR I would never ask a female or a male to smile - yuck!)

(But also, my kid is taking a summer job that requires smiling.  It's a very public-facing job at a place that prides itself on friendliness.  Workers [male and female] are fore-warned that they must look happy and enthusiastic.)

[Spryte]

Oh! I have one comparable moment, not being told to smile but something else, that came from a woman. The comment up thread about talking about a family death made me think of it.

I was 28, doing an art show, and had invited my mom along to help me because I had recently had major surgery. We were calling it a mini vacation, in Charleston, SC. It was the kind of show artists pay $1000s to exhibit in. Most of us smiled and really went into “show mode” only to collapse at the end of the day, you know? You would be shocked what the patrons feel they can say/do to artists at these shows. Like looking at or buying a $100 piece makes them own an artist — really, it could get weird. This is where men constantly told me to smile. Ugh.

This particular show there was a mom/daughter combo that latched onto us. They were shopping, having a fabulous time. And that’s great. The daughter was pregnant, and the mom was clearly overjoyed, very sweet but soooooo OTT. The mom Could Not stop asking me if I had “done it” and if I didn’t have kids, I needed to Get Pregnant Now. I politely responded over and over. It was finally too much. I had to ask her to stop, but no, she kept going, about how I needed to get pregnant. I finally said, “Please stop. I’m trying to be polite, but you are crossing lines here. I had a hysterectomy 6 weeks ago, so no, I won’t be getting pregnant. I’m happy for you, but this is making me feel sad.” 

That was the closest to hearing, “smile” from a woman I ever came, but it had the same feel. Probably not coming through in this post, but it felt the same. 

[MEmama]

16 minutes ago, Spryte said:

Oh! I have one comparable moment, not being told to smile but something else, that came from a woman. The comment up thread about talking about a family death made me think of it.

I was 28, doing an art show, and had invited my mom along to help me because I had recently had major surgery. We were calling it a mini vacation, in Charleston, SC. It was the kind of show artists pay $1000s to exhibit in. Most of us smiled and really went into “show mode” only to collapse at the end of the day, you know? You would be shocked what the patrons feel they can say/do to artists at these shows. Like looking at or buying a $100 piece makes them own an artist — really, it could get weird. This is where men constantly told me to smile. Ugh.

This particular show there was a mom/daughter combo that latched onto us. They were shopping, having a fabulous time. And that’s great. The daughter was pregnant, and the mom was clearly overjoyed, very sweet but soooooo OTT. The mom Could Not stop asking me if I had “done it” and if I didn’t have kids, I needed to Get Pregnant Now. I politely responded over and over. It was finally too much. I had to ask her to stop, but no, she kept going, about how I needed to get pregnant. I finally said, “Please stop. I’m trying to be polite, but you are crossing lines here. I had a hysterectomy 6 weeks ago, so no, I won’t be getting pregnant. I’m happy for you, but this is making me feel sad.” 

That was the closest to hearing, “smile” from a woman I ever came, but it had the same feel. Probably not coming through in this post, but it felt the same. 

Oh that’s beyond the pale. 😞 I hope she was appropriately ashamed.

Edited April 14, 2022 by MEmama

[Kassia]

Just now, MEmama said:

Oh that’s beyond the pale. 😞 I hope she was appropriately ashamed.

 I hope this taught her to never do that again.  I'm so sorry for that experience @Spryte

[Spryte]

Oh, yes, I do think she was embarrassed. And I wasn’t really terribly upset, but seriously — telling people what to do with their bodies is never ok!

It did land on my “weird things that have happened doing a show” list. 🤣

[alisoncooks]

I hadn’t had a “smile” command in yeaaaaaars, until about a month ago. I was climbing out of my car at church, and one of the greeters told me to smile. I’m like…dude! I’m leveraging my old self out of this car! Give me a break. Who smiles during that?!

I later told my DH about it and he didn’t see the big deal. 🙄 Then I mentioned it to my 13/15 yr old DDs, and they immediately went “noooo!”  They knew it was a no-no thing to say to a person. 

[OH_Homeschooler]

One time I was shopping in a candle store in the mall. I must have been concentrating on how each candle smelled, and the store manager (a man) must not have liked how I look when I concentrate, and told me I should be smiling. I immediately put the candle down and left the store. 

[El...]

I was in a hardware store (big box) parking lot the other day. A young woman walked past on her way to work, with her lunchbox, etc. A young man walking out, who appeared to be leaving work, told her to smile, and she grimaced. I hollered after them, "She doesn't have to smile! It's HER face!" 

I bet they both think I'm a crazy old lady! 

They've probably both been told to smile at customers. I get that. But I couldn't help it.

[El...]

Just now, OH_Homeschooler said:

One time I was shopping in a candle store in the mall. I must have been concentrating on how each candle smelled, and the store manager (a man) must not have liked how I look when I concentrate, and told me I should be smiling. I immediately put the candle down and left the store. 

Ew.

[wintermom]

What was Nat King Cole thinking? 

 

[Jaybee]

My concentration face is my RBF--anytime I am thinking hard about anything--what someone just said, what I am reading, even what I am going to do next. If I am out interacting with people in a casual way, I think I may have more of a pleasant expression. I think if someone is smiling all the time, it comes across as creepy to me, whereas a pleasant expression is fine.

My mom used to accuse me of sulking. Perhaps she had told me no to something or whatever, then I would be sitting in a chair thinking about something totally unrelated by then, and she would tell me to quit sulking. It took me a couple of times of confusion to realize what had just happened. My mind had definitely gone on to other things, but I guess my face was stuck there.

[ktgrok]

I hear this a lot, and now have a complex because no one has EVER told me to smile. 

I'm not sure if I look so bitchy that they are afraid to even suggest it, or if I just already smile all the time like a loon, or what. I think it is the latter....

Edited April 14, 2022 by ktgrok

[mommyoffive]

Ya know I never thought about this until your post.  HOw this has happened my whole life.  And to think of it is is 95% men saying it.  People always said I was mean looking and scared them.  But yeah I didn't think how not ok it is to tell someone to do.  You have no clue why I am not smiling.  What health or emotional thing I am dealing with.  

[katilac]

7 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

The context is that while at the last conference we  stopped at the mall to get some things for it as I was helping set up, and no less than four random strangers told me to smile as we were walking through.  His common was as a joke, but I was not amused, and really strangers tell me all the time to smile.

With that context, I would 100% take it as supportive of you, and gently mocking the strangers. 

3 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

The manager used to tell us cashiers to always, always smile when taking orders.

That manager sounds over the top, but I think it's okay to tell public-facing employees to smile. Most managers understand the smile fades somewhat on hour 7 of a short-staffed shift. 

 

[katilac]

27 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

I think if someone is smiling all the time, it comes across as creepy to me, whereas a pleasant expression is fine.

Way back in high school, a fellow student once snapped at me, "Why are you always smiling??" 😂

[KSera]

35 minutes ago, katilac said:

Way back in high school, a fellow student once snapped at me, "Why are you always smiling??" 😂

Now this thread is going to give me a complex. I am often told that I always have a smile on my face, which surprises me somewhat to hear, but I’ve always taken it as a compliment. Now I’m going to wonder if it’s passive aggressive 😂. 

[Kassia]

59 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

 

I'm not sure if I look so bitchy that they are afraid to even suggest it, or if I just already smile all the time like a loon, or what. I think it is the latter....

I've never been told to smile but I've had two people tell me I'm always smiling.  Once when I was with dd when she was little and she agreed that I was always smiling.  I had no idea and never felt that I was.  

She has been told to smile many times and it makes her very uncomfortable.

I've never heard my father say that to anyone but I can definitely see him saying it to women.  He was a really friendly person who liked talking to everyone and I can imagine him saying something like that just to make contact and not meaning anything by it.  But I don't remember ever hearing him say that specifically so maybe I'm wrong.  He would also talk to little kids and I always warned him that people might think he was up to no good.  

 

[shawthorne44]

An appropriate response to being told to "Smile" is to say in a commanding voice, "Dance."   
Then when they sputter and say why would you say something like that?, you say that you thought he's wanted to trade inappropriate bodily commands.  

[katilac]

23 minutes ago, KSera said:

Now this thread is going to give me a complex. I am often told that I always have a smile on my face, which surprises me somewhat to hear, but I’ve always taken it as a compliment. Now I’m going to wonder if it’s passive aggressive 😂. 

That's the only person who's ever made a negative comment, and I'm really old, so I think we're good!

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

4 hours ago, Spryte said:

Telling a random stranger to smile is obnoxious and rude. I’ve gotten it, too, though never, never if I’m out with DH, so it slowed down a lot as I got older and we were more able to spend more time together. That says something right there. But, yeh, being treated as a decoration in someone stranger’s world is not ok. I smile a lot, just naturally, but being told to smile is a quick way to make me scowl. 

I worked in a public facing job for a while, and can’t count how many men told me to smile. It was as if I needed to be a puppet with a constant, dopey smile. 10 hour day on my feet, no breaks, packing up to go home from an art show (so doing physical work, somewhat behind the scenes), and if someone walked up at the end of the day and caught me with a straight face, I’d hear it out of the blue. Ugh. Not a single woman ever said it. Only men.

Misogyny is everywhere.

 

Come to think of it, I can’t remember ever being told to smile by a stranger when I was out with DH.  I’m going to start paying attention though to see if it’s happening and I just don’t register it.

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

With that context, I would 100% take it as supportive of you, and gently mocking the strangers. 

That manager sounds over the top, but I think it's okay to tell public-facing employees to smile. Most managers understand the smile fades somewhat on hour 7 of a short-staffed shift. 

 

Agree. 🙃

[Katy]

32 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Come to think of it, I can’t remember ever being told to smile by a stranger when I was out with DH.  I’m going to start paying attention though to see if it’s happening and I just don’t register it.

Yep.  They all think you look hot but too unhappy for them to propose.

ETA: I didn't mean that sarcastically. I mean you're beautiful and they want to objectify you.

Edited April 14, 2022 by Katy

[TravelingChris]

4 hours ago, shawthorne44 said:

An appropriate response to being told to "Smile" is to say in a commanding voice, "Dance."   
Then when they sputter and say why would you say something like that?, you say that you thought he's wanted to trade inappropriate bodily commands.  

I love it!!!!!!

No one has ever told me to smile.  No one has ever felt my belly when I was pregnant.  I know I give off a vibe of don't mess w me.  

But the most outrageous violation of a personal boundary was when dh and I were on a bus going from NJ suburbs of NYC to NYC and this woman grabbed my dh's hair and said how she is so jealous of his hair color cause you can't get it from coloring=== he was a strawberry blond.  

Then we also had the ridiculous comment that we are brother and sister because he was strawberry blond and I was auburn.

Some people are just stupid.

 

[El...]

A drill sergeant taught me not to smile when at rest once upon a time. Technical Sergeant Orosco. *brrrrrrr*  On the other hand, no one has been able to intimidate me by yelling since. They sound pathetic by comparison! 🤪

[katilac]

5 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Come to think of it, I can’t remember ever being told to smile by a stranger when I was out with DH.  I’m going to start paying attention though to see if it’s happening and I just don’t register it.

I can almost guarantee you it will not happen. They don't do it when you're with a man, because they don't want to disrespect him. 

[Garga]

12 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

It’s coincidental that you would post this as I’ve recently discovered that my face doesn’t seem to reflect what my emotions are on the inside. I have no idea if it’s always been this way, but it could just be my age is making my face seem more serious? I was literally feeling very happy once and then caught a glimpse of myself in the visor mirror. I looked stern and serious, but I didn’t feel that way at all! That’s when I first noticed and starting thinking about it. 
 

In the past, I’ve been told to smile more, but I’ve also been told that it seems I’m always smiling. 🤷‍♀️

I noticed that I often look stern and serious when I’m feeling perfectly happy and content. Once I realized that, I made a point to smile more as I taught my kids when we homeschooled.  I didn’t want them thinking I was disapproving of their work based on a stern face that wasn’t meant to be stern.

I especially started smiling more while homeschooling when I observed a teacher in the one class I outsourced for my son: French. She had been a professional French and Spanish teacher for 25 years and retired and taught at a homeschool co-op. She smiled at those kids the entire time she taught, and her classroom felt so warm and inviting because of her smile.

 

With all that said, I’m choosing to smile. I’ve only had someone tell me to smile maybe twice in my life and it was annoying as all get out. 

 

I like the idea of commanding someone to dance if they command you to smile. That’s funny and drives home the point that it’s really inappropriate and obnoxious to make commands like that.

Edited April 15, 2022 by Garga

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

For the record I do actually smile, but mostly at DH because I like him.

Just Not at strange older men in the mall.

Edited April 15, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[fairfarmhand]

38 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

For the record I do actually smile, but mostly at DH because I like him.

Just Not at strange older men in the mall.

Beautiful!

[Kassia]

Such a great smile! 

[Laura Corin]

Lovely photo

[Spryte]

4 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

For the record I do actually smile, but mostly at DH because I like him.

Just Not at strange older men in the mall.

You’re beautiful! And you have no obligation to smile at strange older men in the mall, or anywhere.

[ShepCarlin]

I remember being at at party in my early 20's and some random guy told me I needed to smile. Ugh, I was so irritated with him. I was sitting on a sofa while my extroverted friend chattered away at someone. I was just ready to go home. I think I would have looked ridiculous sitting there smiling off into space. 

I never had anyone approach me and touch my pregnant belly. Friends always complained about it but I never had anyone approach me about it. I do however have complete strangers tell me EVERYTHING.  And I mean EVERYTHING. Maybe I have a friendly but unsmiling face? I don't know. I'm sorry for anyone who has to put up with these comments. And yes, I think men are the root of the problem. 

[MEmama]

52 minutes ago, ShepCarlin said:

I remember being at at party in my early 20's and some random guy told me I needed to smile. Ugh, I was so irritated with him. I was sitting on a sofa while my extroverted friend chattered away at someone. I was just ready to go home. I think I would have looked ridiculous sitting there smiling off into space. 

I never had anyone approach me and touch my pregnant belly. Friends always complained about it but I never had anyone approach me about it. I do however have complete strangers tell me EVERYTHING.  And I mean EVERYTHING. Maybe I have a friendly but unsmiling face? I don't know. I'm sorry for anyone who has to put up with these comments. And yes, I think men are the root of the problem. 

In my early 20’s I was propositioned every.day as I walked to work. Colfax Ave in Denver, I’ll never forget how scary it was. Men leering and yelling out of their cars…gross. And it’s even worse because I looked young, so they would have been assuming I was a teenager. 🤮

Being told to smile was the least of my worries. I worked as a hostess at a fancy hip restaurant and my gawd the things men felt entitled to say to me. I didn’t have the language or clout to stand up for myself.

Todays young people are much better equipped, I think. 

[KungFuPanda]

On 4/14/2022 at 2:24 PM, ktgrok said:

I hear this a lot, and now have a complex because no one has EVER told me to smile. 

I'm not sure if I look so bitchy that they are afraid to even suggest it, or if I just already smile all the time like a loon, or what. I think it is the latter....

I think if your face is anywhere from neutral all the way to happy, you won’t hear it. If your face looks negative, when people look at you they get uncomfortable because they subconsciously mirror your (real or perceived) displeasure. So they tell you to smile to make themselves feel better and diffuse an uncomfortable situation. 
 

I’m always telling my dancers to smile. It can make the audience feel good and make you look more confident. Sometimes they will perceive a smiling dancer as being better than a more skilled dancer with a bored look on her face. They feed off that (real or perceived) energy. 
 

I’m not saying anyone is entitled to having you radiate positive energy out to them, but if that’s your natural default you probably won’t be asked to smile by random strangers. 

On 4/14/2022 at 7:58 PM, TravelingChris said:

I love it!!!!!!

No one has ever told me to smile.  No one has ever felt my belly when I was pregnant.  I know I give off a vibe of don't mess w me.  

But the most outrageous violation of a personal boundary was when dh and I were on a bus going from NJ suburbs of NYC to NYC and this woman grabbed my dh's hair and said how she is so jealous of his hair color cause you can't get it from coloring=== he was a strawberry blond.  

Then we also had the ridiculous comment that we are brother and sister because he was strawberry blond and I was auburn.

Some people are just stupid.

 

This is a uniquely redhead phenomenon. MOST people have dark hair and are married to people with dark hair and it’s never a problem. The minute a redhead marries another redhead people assume you MUST be related. It can even be vastly different shades. It’s just weird. 

[LaughingCat]

21 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

This is a uniquely redhead phenomenon. MOST people have dark hair and are married to people with dark hair and it’s never a problem. The minute a redhead marries another redhead people assume you MUST be related. It can even be vastly different shades. It’s just weird. 

Actually, I have light brown hair and I have many times been asked if a woman friend I was with (different friend each time) was my sister.   

My conclusion over the years was that people were basing it on the fact that our hair colors were similar-- although later a friend, who was mistaken for me often (and vice versa) by multiple people who knew both of us but not well, made me realize it was probably skin coloring as well.   In none of the situations did we actually facially (or body type) resemble each other.

Also, I have been told to smile many times 🙄 -- so apparently I have generic features that are also generically frowning 🤣

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

My son (Asian features and hair) and his best friend at the time (Russian features and extremely blond hair) were asked if they were twins. . .     While I suppose it might be possible in fraternal twins, they couldn't be more unlike in physical features.  Their only similarity was that they were the same age.  Some people are just. . . dumb. 

I think that friends should be able to gently tease each other, which is what seems to be the real issue in the original post. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

4 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

My son (Asian features and hair) and his best friend at the time (Russian features and extremely blond hair) were asked if they were twins. . .     While I suppose it might be possible in fraternal twins, they couldn't be more unlike in physical features.  Their only similarity was that they were the same age.  Some people are just. . . dumb. 

I think that friends should be able to gently tease each other, which is what seems to be the real issue in the original post. 

He was just gently teasing, but it struck a nerve because it’s something strangers telling me frequently and have ever since I can remember.  It drives me nuts lol. 
In fact I just got back from grocery shopping and some older gentleman did tell me to smile.  I was perusing the bathroom cleaning aisle because my child with encoparesis had a huge blow out all over the bathroom this morning that greeted me as I got off a 24 hour shift, and smiling wasn’t really my thing right then.

 

[maize]

On 4/14/2022 at 6:32 PM, elroisees said:

A drill sergeant taught me not to smile when at rest once upon a time. Technical Sergeant Orosco. *brrrrrrr*  On the other hand, no one has been able to intimidate me by yelling since. They sound pathetic by comparison! 🤪

Oh I got is So Much Trouble for smiling (or looking like I was smiling) in military training.

[fairfarmhand]

2 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

He was just gently teasing, but it struck a nerve because it’s something strangers telling me frequently and have ever since I can remember.  It drives me nuts lol. 
In fact I just got back from grocery shopping and some older gentleman did tell me to smile.  I was perusing the bathroom cleaning aisle because my child with encoparesis had a huge blow out all over the bathroom this morning that greeted me as I got off a 24 hour shift, and smiling wasn’t really my thing right then.

 

"I know you mean well sir, but did you know that I just worked a 24 hour shift as a paramedic and my son with a medical condition just crapped all over my bathroom. I really don't feel like smiling and if you were in my position you would not either. So please, if my face offends you, you can just walk away."