Wedding complaints

[Amethyst]

Marriage is a wonderful thing. True love, I’m all about it. But weddings! Boy, have they gotten off course. 
 

Where shall I start? Let’s start with destination weddings. I find them to be incredibly selfish. I mean there are two families and if they are from different areas, some people will be traveling. But there’s a big difference between traveling to some no-name town in PA and traveling to a resort in an exotic location like Hawaii. (My son who is recently engaged has speculated that it is a way to purposely whittle down the guest list). 
 

Make-up artists? For every member of the wedding party including mothers, grandmothers? Save your money, I’ll do my own makeup, thank you very much. I did my own hair and makeup when I was a bride and brides maids, and so did every woman I knew. I know times have changed, but if there is an easy way to save money on weddings, this is a no-brainer. 

Ugh. How about the weekend long bachelorette party in Nashville/NYC/New Orleans? Craziness! Stop making these people spend so much money on you for the “privilege” of being in your wedding party!

If there is one thing that I think my children know that I absolutely can’t stand at modern weddings and feel the same way about, it is the toasts. Aagh. Not toasts any more, speeches. Aaagh!!! I cringe. So embarrassing. Best men who emabarrass the groom; new sister-in-law embarrass the bride; I’ve seen a sister stand up with five full pages of script, hands shaking, choked up reading basically the bride’s life story for TWENTY long painful minutes. Whatever happened to a one minute toast wishing the couple happiness? 

I’ll stop here. I could go on and on. My son and his fiancee have not started planning and I’m trying to stay out of it. There are parts if weddings I enjoy…seeing family, dancing, witnessing the excitement of new love. But then I read articles about the prices of flowers going up and I worry and start thinking about all the ways weddings make young couples start out their married life spending beyond their means. So, needed to rant a bit. 

[teachermom2834]

Rant away!

You are not wrong.

However, I have decided to keep my mouth shut and go along for the ride and not start married young couple life as curmudgeonly MIL. 

But I likely will come here and vent. 

[Kanin]

That's why DH and I didn't have a wedding. We didn't want to deal with any of what you described above. Even traveling a few hours, staying in a hotel, buying a gift for the couple, etc is a lot of money. No thanks. 

[AmandaVT]

1 minute ago, Kanin said:

That's why DH and I didn't have a wedding. We didn't want to deal with any of what you described above. Even traveling a few hours, staying in a hotel, buying a gift for the couple, etc is a lot of money. No thanks. 

We didn't either. We had a small dinner here in VT and one in RI to appease family members, but that's about it. No regrets! 🙂 Many people I know who did the big, elaborate wedding have since wished they hadn't. I know a lot of people who had parents who said, here is a lot of money. If you want to use it toward a down payment on a house or something else that will help get you started, please do. If you prefer to use it on a wedding, go for it. They ALL used it on a wedding and later wished they used it toward a house/school/car/debt/etc. 

[BlsdMama]

Both of our DD's had sane weddings, if that's any comfort.? I'm seeing (around here) an emerging trend of smaller and more intimate weddings.  We actually had an issue here of DD wanted to invite only us and grandparents and sibs.   I was more than a little anxious.  We compromised with a celebration of the wedding a week or so later.  Looking back, it was the perfect wedding scenario.  I'd suggest to your DS, if his wife is in agreement, to consider whittling the list down if that's what they want.  I don't think they'll be sorry. *I* was incredibly resistant, "We have to invite ________!" and my daughter was a dead no.  She was totally unwilling to compromise on the wedding.  But the big party was a blast and we loved having the wedding and dance/celebration on separate days.

[Martha in GA]

None of my young adult children are married/in a relationship that would lead to marriage, but I have put it in their ears that they are free to elope as long as my husband and I are invited as witnesses!

 

Edited April 3, 2022 by Martha in GA

[Faith-manor]

I am not a fan of all the money spent on them by many folks. I have niece who had a $35,000 wedding. Sigh.

I am a fan of destination weddings or tiny weddings for practical reasons. One: Many couples do not live near their parents at all, often long distances away. Since they are often older than previous generations when they marry, they are no longer rooted in the community in which they were raised. So no matter what, long distance travel is involved for a lot of people, and they do not have the old standby of "free church and fellowship hall" to use. Renting facilities is expensive, and usually means only using the vendors approved by the facility. I used to do some event planning professionally, and I can say that this costs a TON of money. My new thing is to tell folks, "Keep it simple, go to the magistrate or pastor's office with a few friends and your folks and siblings, then go out for a nice dinner at a beautiful restaurant wear you need no decorations. Do this with 25 people or less, and it will cost practically nothing over renting a facility and hiring a caterer, and paying for table service play your family does not have to clean up aftwerward."

Two: We have a high divorce rate in this nation and a culture surrounding divorce in which exes and their families tend to be unable to act mature at the wedding and during the planning process thus making the young couple miserable. My nephew was in this boat. My brother and his wife, the step mom, would not play nice for any reason. (ex sister in law was cool beans, and totally classy about it). If he had a wedding and if his parents and step mother came, it was going to be an ugly, miserable day. And this is getting to be so common in our "me first" culture. Getting worse actually, or it appears to be. The idea of basic politeness, decorum, public manners, and "not everything is always about you" has left the building! So nephew and wife picked a destination that they knew his parents could not afford, had a minor family celebration privately with her family when they got back, but paid for each of their best friends and significant others of those friends to go on the Destination Wedding. It was perfect for them because even though my brother and his wife, my parents, and his brothers threw a fit about it, it didn't matter because these same people would have ended up fighting on the day of the wedding if they had attended. My brother and his wife would have been spectacular jerks, this would have made my dad really mad so he would have gone off to "box his son's ears" so to speak, youngest nephew, would have tried to break it up, middle nephew would have tried to be the peace maker and gotten emotionally trampled in the process, and step mom who likes nothing more than to ruin things for her step sons would have been laughing maniacally in the corner which would have caused my niece in law, a woman who takes no guff, to go dress down her step mother in law. Who needs that? Who wants that? And I wish, oh I wish, this situation is a rarity, but it is not. How many threads have we had on this board about dealing with toxic relatives? A startling number of discussions. Multiple that by millions of families. That is a ton of couples for whom holding even a simple, in expensive, traditional wedding would be a nightmare.

Three: We have a culture dominated largely by the philosophy that for the sake of "looks and putting on airs" expects the abused to invite the abusers and pretend everything is fine. So drunk uncle touchy feely is expected to be allowed to attend. Evil grandma who gets her kicks out of b!tching at everyone must be invited, etc. And then the family war over, "We want to have a small wedding so it doesn't cost much so that means dad's business partners can't attend" followed by dad having a fit about that. The process of whittling down guest lists to a reasonable number is fraught with emotions.

Four: Many parents want the traditional big wedding, but are also no longer willing to able to afford it thus leaving the burden of their demands on the young couple.

Five: Too many guests believe they should be wined and dined in style, and that is a lot of pressure. I have seen people go ballistic on brides for not providing daycare, or special children's meals, or not enough desert choices, or not a good enough view during the wedding, or....people are nuts! Many a bride and groom have been in other bridal parties, seen the drama, and have decided it isn't for them. I don't blame them.

So I think wedding culture is just crazy in America and of course now has very little to do with the actual marriage. Society seems to have lost sight of that.

And yes, real flowers are getting to be very expensive. If anyone here is in the planning process and has a level headed, frugally minded bride, Michaels is already clearancing out their spring florals. There are small, but very pretty pre-made silk bouquets available for $4.99 and large ones for $16.99. Wrap the stems of the small ones with a piece of fabric or ribbon,  put two large ones together and slap on a nice bouquet wrap for the bride, and voila. Fhere were corsage size arrangements in four different color combos foe 99 cents. They had tussie mussies dirt cheap so if this is a wedding where family rows of seats need to be marked, a few of these popped on the end of chair/pews would look great. And for tables for the reception, glass nesting jars from the dollar store, on a dollar store silver charger plate, with dollar store gem stones in the bottom, filled 3/4 way with water, and submerged live baby's breath is truly lovely. Baby's breath is inexpensive so you could have a centerpiece for less than $8.00. Just tossing that out there if anyone needs a cheap idea to make something pretty for tables.

 

 

 

[Amethyst]

22 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

Both of our DD's had sane weddings, if that's any comfort.? I'm seeing (around here) an emerging trend of smaller and more intimate weddings.  We actually had an issue here of DD wanted to invite only us and grandparents and sibs.   I was more than a little anxious.  We compromised with a celebration of the wedding a week or so later.  Looking back, it was the perfect wedding scenario.  I'd suggest to your DS, if his wife is in agreement, to consider whittling the list down if that's what they want.  I don't think they'll be sorry. *I* was incredibly resistant, "We have to invite ________!" and my daughter was a dead no.  She was totally unwilling to compromise on the wedding.  But the big party was a blast and we loved having the wedding and dance/celebration on separate days.

My son wants a small wedding. So does future dil. But I’m not sure their ideas of “small” are the same. Maybe they are, I just don’t know since they haven’t started planning yet. She is the only child of a single mother so I don’t know if her mother may factor into it or not. My son would be satisfied with just him and his bride. Which reminds me of what dh said when we were getting married: he wanted it to be me, him, and God, and God was optional. Lol. We compromised and had about 40-50 people and a luncheon at a restaurant. Fabulous day!
 

[catz]

I don't love everything about every wedding.  But I also mostly don't care.  I do think like destination weddings can be good for those who want maybe just a few people and know it's affordable or want to avoid family drama, divorced parents, etc.  If they're demanding 100 people use their vacation time and funds on their chosen destination that is obnoxious.  An invitation is never a summons.  

I do think the required destination events for wedding parties are OTT.  The wedding party can plan an event if they want that is in their budget and in the budget of everyone invited.  But this multiple showers, events thing is weird.  Honestly, I turn down shower invitations for people I'm not super close to. 

I actually paid for a hair and make up artist for our wedding party.  I wouldn't have forced anyone who didn't want to participate of course.  But frankly, it made pictures turn out better and no one looked overdone at all.  Part of the reason I did it is I've always been a light to no makeup person, I don't have skills.  They did exactly as I asked - natural looking but camera ready.  Not everyone has the mad hair and make up skills they think they have. A good makeup artist wants people to feel comfortable, look like themselves and takes their preferences into account.   Everyone who worked with them told them their preferences first.  Having this done well up front can save on photo editing on the back end.  I guess I don't blame people.  Photography is extremely expensive (that was our largest wedding expense) and having this is a pretty small overage to get likely better results.

I've actually never heard a super obnoxious longer than 2 minute wedding toast.  So that is interesting to me lol.  Too many people watching drama on youtube and tiktok and thinking they need to duplicate it maybe?   

I do think the kids/no kids wedding debate is interesting.  I think it is absolutely fine not to have kids.  Or to have kids.  But if you don't, don't be surpised when people decline.  Especially when there might be travel involved.  I also think the debates of well we are having a no kid wedding so my maid of honor's nursing newborn absolutely can't come is ridiculous.  We have nieces and nephews and traveling relatives kids (so a very small number at the end of the day, less than 8).  But didn't invite like local friends and coworkers kids.  Is that really so weird?  I can't imagine not having like nieces and nephews there for photos at least for the ceremony.  

I don't care if people are spending money they can afford.  You do you. Weddings ideally really should not involve debt especially for those who might be paying of student loans, saving for a house, etc.  But some families budget to pay for big events and that's fine.  I do think covid may help some of this turn a corner, like small and intimate is more definitely what I'm seeing locally.  Some really charming and unique simple weddings.

Good luck with your son's wedding.  It's ok to have boundaries.  I don't know if either of my kids will get married or not.  I expect if they do it will be later.  I'd be fine with whatever.  We will probably gift each some money but we definitely aren't budgeting for a huge affair.  I think getting them through the college years without debt is way more important and grad school may be on the horizon at least for my oldest who is a college jr.  

Edited April 3, 2022 by catz

[HomeAgain]

35 minutes ago, Kanin said:

That's why DH and I didn't have a wedding. We didn't want to deal with any of what you described above. Even traveling a few hours, staying in a hotel, buying a gift for the couple, etc is a lot of money. No thanks. 

Same.  I couldn't fathom spending all that one one day that no one really cared that much about beyond the immediate circle.

I'm liking the new trend of smaller, more intimate weddings that is starting to pick up.  People are starting to realize a lot of the big stuff is forced on them, and it's not really the kind of day they want at all to have when they're stressed out for weeks over things.

[Kanin]

51 minutes ago, AmandaVT said:

We didn't either. We had a small dinner here in VT and one in RI to appease family members, but that's about it.

Yes, that does sound nice! We went had a few small gatherings in various places so nobody had to travel. Not everyone we know or love was involved, and it was totally fine. BUT we're not from families that really care about that sort of thing, so it was easy for us. 

[Frances]

12 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

Both of our DD's had sane weddings, if that's any comfort.? I'm seeing (around here) an emerging trend of smaller and more intimate weddings.  We actually had an issue here of DD wanted to invite only us and grandparents and sibs.   I was more than a little anxious.  We compromised with a celebration of the wedding a week or so later.  Looking back, it was the perfect wedding scenario.  I'd suggest to your DS, if his wife is in agreement, to consider whittling the list down if that's what they want.  I don't think they'll be sorry. *I* was incredibly resistant, "We have to invite ________!" and my daughter was a dead no.  She was totally unwilling to compromise on the wedding.  But the big party was a blast and we loved having the wedding and dance/celebration on separate days.

 

Edited April 4, 2022 by Frances

[regentrude]

My DS is getting married Easter Sunday some time after/around noon but they don't want a "wedding". I hope they will tell us the exact time sometime soon. A pavilion is reserved in a nearby park. Parents and siblings are allowed to be there to witness the ceremony. I believe the food plan is a picnic at the park. I hope his gf will let me know what foods to bring.

If DS doesn't tell me details soon, I will threaten to contact his soon-to-be MIL and make PLANS.  Lol. Almost the chillest wedding ever - except DH and I eloped and spent a week in Paris on a grad student budget. 

[Clemsondana]

I haven't been to many weddings in the past decade - mostly a stage-of-life thing since the kids of our friends are mostly high school age.  I come from a long line of church ladies, and my family did a wonderful job fixing all kinds of foods for my the traditional Saturday afternoon at church followed by finger foods reception that is (was?) common in the south.  There have been a few bigger dinner-and-dancing things, which isn't my preference although I understand that people like it.  I love conversation and dislike noise, so it's not my favorite.  As former students have gotten married, I've seen some smaller outdoor gatherings.  Some was due to covid, but some was pre-covid with the brides wanting to avoid fuss and expense.  I like the sentimentality of weddings in a church that is familiar to the couple (whether they or a relative attends) or a family backyard or favorite park.  The last several times that we've been to the beach (over the past 5 years) we've seen a wedding at least once each trip.  In our family, those could be fun with out being 'destination', in the sense that we all road-trip to the beach anyway so it would just be a scheduling issue to put a wedding at the same time.  

[Clarita]

I'm Chinese so weddings have been elaborate for a long time. According to the museum I went to while in Hong Kong it was always a day where the bride got to pretend to be royalty for a day. My mom was a little disappointed that I only chose to wear one outfit for my wedding day. When she planned my banquet for my extended family in Hong Kong I had 3 dresses and 3 hairdos to go with it. 

However, in Chinese culture wedding presents are CASH. Essentially your guests paid for the wedding party and you should have some leftover to start your life together. 

My parents did have me approve my wedding plans with both sides of the family. My mom made sure my MIL approved my dress and also that I would pay for my mom and my MIL to get dolled up. I paid for my entire wedding. I didn't just invite asian people to my wedding (nor did I invite extra guests to buffer) so, I did not break even at all on my wedding.  The way my guests enjoyed themselves though and the way my husband talks of it afterwards it was worth every penny.

[Frances]

1 hour ago, Martha in GA said:

None of my young adult children are married/in a relationship that would lead to marriage, but I have put it in their ears that they are free to elope as long as my husband and I are invited as witnesses!

 

We’ve told our son and his fiancé that we will support whatever they decide to do and help in anyway possible. I don’t expect to be invited if they elope.

[Bootsie]

I find much of the expectations surrounding weddings baffling.  I went to get a haircut this week.  The person cutting my hair (not a wealthy person) is busy planning her wedding.  She has THREE bachelorette parties planned--one at the beach in Florida; one to Napa Valley, and one to Las Vegas; these all require travel and major expense.   And, they want to honeymoon in Greece, but it would be too tiring to do that right after the wedding, so they will probably just go to a resort in Arizona right after the wedding and go to Greece a couple of months later. (To add to it, she is a single mother to a five-year-old; it surprises me that a mother of a five year old has all this time to travel).

I also don't understand the destination weddings for which the bride and groom expect others to take significant time off of work and personal life and spend major amounts of money to go to a destination they choose.  I have received more and more requests from college students to move an exam because their sibling is getting married in Hawaii--and they need to be there for 10 days (not because anyone in the family is from Hawaii--it is just the bride and groom's favorite place).

 

[J-rap]

I love weddings, but have mostly the same complaints.  I get really irked by so many expensive add-ons.  It often seems like it's more about all the extras rather than just the act of marriage.  The pre-wedding bachelor and bachelorette trips are kind of crazy.  And the wedding itself, which now includes all the pre-wedding stuff just to get ready, including buying bathrobes/kimonos for all of the bridesmaids!   

When our ds was married, my dh and I paid for the tux rentals for the groomsmen and the bridesmaid dresses.  We all agreed it felt uncomfortable to ask their friends to pay, who were just starting out in their careers with limited incomes.  I think it was all pretty classy, but quite simple.   Our dd had a "destination" wedding because she lived in another country and her future dh was not able get a visa to come here.  We didn't expect anyone to go except my dh and I and our other children, and we made sure our relatives knew that.  We paid for the airfare and lodging for all our other children of course, even those who were young adults.  (We didn't invite anyone else besides our own siblings and of course grandparents, whose tickets we also offered to pay for.)   Another dd had a pandemic wedding last year in another country where she lives, and we couldn't attend (no US flights into their country allowed during the pandemic).  It was just the two of them and his immediate family.  (Just 6 people were allowed at the ceremony.  Perfect!)  It was fine with us -- we were very happy for them!  We had an outdoor reception here once they were allowed to travel.

All that said, seeing how it was with my children and some of their friends these days, it seems like while some of these newer traditions are becoming even more extreme and pricy, some bride and grooms are pushing back against it and deciding to keep it simple.

And, I do love weddings, and I enjoy celebrating.  I don't mind some of the extras -- but, enough is enough, but especially when the extra expense is put on others, either those in the wedding party or those attending.

I will say that I like toasts!  But the weddings I've been to, the toasts have been sweet and thoughtful, and not too many.  I don't mind a speech or two if they're short and authentic and uplifting.

 

 

[Carrie12345]

I remember thinking wedding were nuts (though exciting) when I was sill flower girl age. And they’ve only gotten nuttier.

My vision (2nd choice after Vegas with no guests) was immediate family, a chapel to appease certain people, a simple dress, and some food at a family member’s house.  I got roped into hair, music, programs, flowers, people I didn’t know, and a catered party at a later date.  Blech.

My sister no longer buys into the whole legally wed thing, but she did have the whole country club wedding with the super dramatic photo shoot way before she came to that conclusion. Now she has expensive pictures of a stranger. (And I mean old her, not her ex, lol.)

[Bootsie]

53 minutes ago, regentrude said:

My DS is getting married Easter Sunday some time after/around noon but they don't want a "wedding". I hope they will tell us the exact time sometime soon. A pavilion is reserved in a nearby park. Parents and siblings are allowed to be there to witness the ceremony. I believe the food plan is a picnic at the park. I hope his gf will let me know what foods to bring.

If DS doesn't tell me details soon, I will threaten to contact his soon-to-be MIL and make PLANS.  Lol. Almost the chillest wedding ever - except DH and I eloped and spent a week in Paris on a grad student budget. 

Best Wishes to the couple!

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Amethyst said:

But there’s a big difference between traveling to some no-name town in PA and traveling to a resort in an exotic location like Hawaii. (My son who is recently engaged has speculated that it is a way to purposely whittle down the guest list). 

When dd got married last year, she planned the wedding in a nice, though not exotic, location two hours from where the majority of guests live. I actually did come to see this as an *advantage* for the reason your son describes. It weeds out the folks who aren’t committed enough to go to some effort to attend. If it’s right around the corner with good food and plenty to drink, you will have guests in attendance who really just want free meals and booze. I ended up thinking it was a good thing, though I once didn’t. 

[Katy]

I’m pretty sure one of the wedding planning books I had specifically mentioned to consider having a destination wedding to keep costs down and still be upscale. Plus many people who wouldn’t attend would send gifts. I thought it was tacky & wanted to elope. DH wanted to invite everyone from his small town & country church. We compromised with 50 guests and we still get complaints more than a decade later!  I thought I was from a small town too, but it turns out small town Florida is worlds apart from small town Midwest. 

[Jaybee]

I've been quite pleased at how our children (so far) have handled their weddings. They all fit their particular personalities with their spouses wonderfully. And they were all beautiful! Oldest and his wife had the largest in their church. But they had loads of friends/family who pitched in. An aunt made the wedding cake, a friend and her band provided music for the reception, bridesmaids picked up flowers from Publix and made gorgeous bouquets, friends made cookies, and so on. The reception was a dinner of soups and salad, plus the cake and desserts. It was so so so much fun. Second had hers at their little church. Sisters made the bouquets, brother played classical guitar for the reception, I made some appetizers for the reception, and family members made cookies and other treats. Again, fun and lovely wedding. Third wanted to go just family. I did tell her at some point that if they wanted to elope, please please please invite the parents to the ceremony. Wedding was at a state park with family and just a few friends, and reception was catered bbq in one of the event buildings at the park. So nice and pretty stress-free. Families on both sides are medium-large, so there were still close to 30 people. 

One thing I keep thinking of that I would love to encourage for those who are in small-medium churches--some may think this is weird. But I would love to see a trend of couples having a ceremony immediately following Sunday morning church, with an invitation for all to stay who would like to, followed by a potluck dinner. That just seems like it would be so much fun, would be supportive of the new couple, and could greatly cut down expenses.

ETA: I did first dd's hair, which surprisingly turned out very nice! (I did a practice run first.) Nobody had make-up artists or anything like that. Dd2 wore her hair down and loose, with some baby's breath in it. Dil wore her mother's dress altered, dd1 wore my dress altered, and dd2 found a simple and lovely gown on sale at a local shop. I don't think anyone spent over $200 on the dress. For rehearsal dinners, we hosted a catered bbq dinner (I guess we like bbq) at the church for the first one. Second one, in-laws provided lots of food for hoagies at a park--very relaxed and fun. Third one, in-laws invited us all to their home for catered Italian meal. 

It still cost something, but NOTHING like so many people are doing these days. None of us went into any debt or anything.

Edited April 3, 2022 by Jaybee

[catz]

16 minutes ago, Katy said:

I’m pretty sure one of the wedding planning books I had specifically mentioned to consider having a destination wedding to keep costs down and still be upscale. Plus many people who wouldn’t attend would send gifts. I thought it was tacky & wanted to elope. DH wanted to invite everyone from his small town & country church. We compromised with 50 guests and we still get complaints more than a decade later!  I thought I was from a small town too, but it turns out small town Florida is worlds apart from small town Midwest. 

What are people complaining about?  The wedding size?  They weren't invited?  That is completely bizarre to me.  And I'm from the midwest FWIW I don't know which way this went but just wanted to throw that in there.  Sounds like a very niche community/family that has very specific expectations on how weddings are "done".    Are these seniors who have filter issues?

Like in general, unless your precious random opinion is solicited, you can just zip it.   It is just beyond weird to me that anyone would say anything other than something along the lines of "your wedding was beautiful/enjoyable/lovely/memorable" after the fact?  Don't people learn, if you don't have anything nice to say .... anymore?

[Night Elf]

My dd29 is getting married on the 29th of this month and she and her bridal party just got home from a weekend at Disneyworld. Good grief! When her best friend got married, she decided a cruise was in order for her bridal party but only my daughter could afford it and that was done on purpose so the other bridesmaids wouldn't go with them. Talk about rude! I was aghast! 

[Guest]

To expound further: I put up a post about wedding expenses on here a few years ago. It was quite informative, as I recall. 
 

For flowers, my dd used two strategies: some artificials, for decor, and ordered fresh flowers online according to “recipes”. She practiced making bouquets with supermarket flowers several times before the wedding, which turned out to be fortunate because some of the wedding flowers did not show up and SIL hit four Trader Joe’s and bought white roses. We made the bouquets at midnight before the wedding, no joke. It made kind of an awesome story though, and they were much less expensive than pro florals. 
 

We had no special transportation, so that was a savings. (No limos, Bentleys or horse-drawn carriages.) DD ordered cupcakes and they bought specialty donuts; no wedding cake. They did the tradition of the cake with two cupcakes. 
 

The venue they rented permitted own caterer choice, though not self-brought catering. We were allowed to bring our own alcohol so long as we had a paid bartender. We had beer and wine, not open bar. This saved money too. 
 

We did not have hair and makeup but if dd had wanted hair I would have been willing to pay for it. I would have liked to have someone do my hair professionally. I did it myself but I practiced several times beforehand. On thé day of the wedding it was difficult

because we stayed in cabins and they were *dark!* and putting my hair in a fancy bun in an ancient mirror with dim light was an interesting feat. I ended up asking a bridesmaid to give it a look, hairspray anything that was wrong and put the jewel ornament in there some kind of way. AFAIK, nobody said, “Geez, did she style her hair in the dark using a mirror from the 1800s?” But it would have been true…

I was thrilled with the way dd’s wedding turned out. It was beautiful and we had many friends and family members there to rejoice with us. 
 

For toasts/speeches, I loved what the Best Man said and it was not overly long, it was funny, and he has good oratory skills. He did not read off a paper, thank the gods. One of the bridesmaids made a bit of a mess of her attempted speech, which was meant to be a rap, but she was nervous and it was hard to understand her. I did a prayer with a very short speech prior. I had note cards to keep me on track but I didn’t read off the paper. I was happy with that part too. 
 

One of the best things at our venue was a fire pit where we had stuff for s’mores. I brought our marshmallow toasters from home. It was great for people to have a place to go that was a bit away from all the activity. I loved the fire pit. Luckily we had nice weather too. 
Pics attached: supermarket practice bouquet; my hair practice; artificial florals we made. 

 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

3 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

Both of our DD's had sane weddings, if that's any comfort.? I'm seeing (around here) an emerging trend of smaller and more intimate weddings.  We actually had an issue here of DD wanted to invite only us and grandparents and sibs.   I was more than a little anxious.  We compromised with a celebration of the wedding a week or so later.  Looking back, it was the perfect wedding scenario.  I'd suggest to your DS, if his wife is in agreement, to consider whittling the list down if that's what they want.  I don't think they'll be sorry. *I* was incredibly resistant, "We have to invite ________!" and my daughter was a dead no.  She was totally unwilling to compromise on the wedding.  But the big party was a blast and we loved having the wedding and dance/celebration on separate days.

This is what we did in 2008.  I wanted just a small wedding but we did have aunts and uncles there too and two cousins i am close to. Maybe 30 people total. 
Several months later we had a party.  But the vows were sacred to me and I wanted those private. Just my personal preference.

However. DH was from a church and a tradition where marriages were at the church, it was an open invitation to everyone in the church, there were 200 people, and the church ladies put on a finger food/sandwich/punch reception in the basement. DH was a deacon and his dad was like the head elder, and honestly he was the church’s golden boy who they had all hoped would marry one of their virgin daughters.

A couple of my sisters and cousins had already gotten married, and our tradition was wedding in a church that we only nominally attended and catered reception at a hotel’s ballroom or event room complete with dancing, DJ, and open/cash bar. Not everyone you knew was invited and definitely not an open invitation to the church.   Looking back, I remember the day my future in laws gave me their very long guest list and I about died because it was. so. long. 
DH didn’t care either way and honestly, I think we all but eloped because the two traditions had no real middle ground.

The unseen consequence was that almost no one from the church showed up at our wedding reception months later, his own pastor was horrified we were not married in a church and did not have a religious ceremony, and there was a lot of hurt feelings. It snowballed and now my husband is no longer a Christian and wants nothing to do with the church, and it stems from the hurt that started with the wedding. I wish I had understood how important a religious ceremony was to him and his family and his church(that was really important to him then), because if I had tried to understand I would have compromised a little more.  Instead I took the easy way out.  Looking back though DH swears he’d have hated a large church wedding and is glad we half eloped.

Edited April 3, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[Lecka]

We attended a destination wedding that was great, it was affordable and doubled as a family vacation for us.  It was a compromise location between the couples’ families, who lived in separate states.  
 

I do think in principal it can be meaningful to make the marriage commitment in public before friends and family, too.

 

But I had a justice-of-the-peace wedding with my dad and step-mom present, and then a reception at my in-laws, and that worked well for my husband and I.  We had as good a start to married life as anyone else 🙂

[Amethyst]

2 hours ago, J-rap said:

I love weddings, but have mostly the same complaints.  I get really irked by so many expensive add-ons.  It often seems like it's more about all the extras rather than just the act of marriage.  

 

When I was preparing to get married, friends and family would ask “are you nervous?” -   I thought it was the oddest question. Nervous? I’m about to marry the man of my dreams! I’m super excited, not nervous. But they were referring to the wedding, as if it was a show or performance. I refused to have a rehearsal for that reason - it’s not a show. It’s a sacrament. If somebody doesn’t stand in exactly the right spot at the exact right time, what do I care? And so that’s something else that bothers me about weddings - it becomes a show. Sure a wedding is a public commitment to share with people, bit it doesn’t have to be over-the-top, nerve-wracking performance!

[Amethyst]

2 hours ago, catz said:

What are people complaining about?  The wedding size?  They weren't invited?  That is completely bizarre to me.  

I’m not the person you’re responding to, but I know my parents were disappointed that I didn’t have a larger wedding. I have a very large extended family. Not even sure how many first cousins I have. But I was/am not close to any of them. My parents wanted all aunts, uncles, cousins invited. I might have been ok with that but future dh had almost no extended family, so there would have been a crazy lopsidedness to it. But my parents were still disappointed. 

[gardenmom5]

5 hours ago, Amethyst said:

Let’s start with destination weddings. I find them to be incredibly selfish. I mean there are two families and if they are from different areas, some people will be traveling. But there’s a big difference between traveling to some no-name town in PA and traveling to a resort in an exotic location like Hawaii. (My son who is recently engaged has speculated that it is a way to purposely whittle down the guest list). 
 

 

this.  I think it's a reflection people have lost sight of what marriage is about.

It's not about everything being perfect for the pictures . . . . . 

It's not about the big party. . . . I recall the story of a couple who wanted their dream wedding so they saved.  for years.  In the meantime they had three kids.  Seems like they "got married" in the Caribbean and there was a ?hurricane? at the same time. They went onto social media to complain how their dream wedding was ruined.

No one is obligated to attend.  No one is obligated to be in their wedding party.  People can say "so sorry, I can't make it but best wishes"'.

It's amazing all five of dh's niece's chose to get married elsewhere (two sisters eloped only telling their mother afterwards) the other three didn't want to have a certain family member.  One even went so far as to tell that family member the family member couldn't travel to the destination where the wedding would be when said family member expressed a willingness to travel (despite age.)

Miss Manners once received a letter from a grandmother whose bride-to-be granddaughter wanted her as matron of honor.  Grandma said she was old, and frumpy and dumpy and her granddaughter should have a more attractive friend - but the groom supported her.  She wanted Miss Manner's opinion.
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners thinks with the priorities of the bridal couple, this is going to be an unusually happy marriage.

[gardenmom5]

I have one niece who has bad anxiety.  Her sil was so excited to work on planning niece's wedding.  It was really stressing niece out - so they eloped (as in - hiked into the wilderness with their officiant and no one else) and had a big party later.  (covid delayed the party).  

 

[1234]

Ds is getting married next year and it will be very small. Actually smaller than I was hoping as I thought grandparents would be invited, but nope. ☹️ I’m sure it will be lovely though.

They are renting an Air Bnb in the city, having Dh officiate, and only parents and our youngest are invited. They’re planning on a small cake and want a photographer but that’s it. I don’t know what the attire will be yet but I know they’re not going the traditional route so I’m sure it will be fun. 

Edited April 3, 2022 by Joker2

[ktgrok]

I admit I had a destination wedding - sort of - but we didn't invite anyone :  

So sort of eloping, except it wasn't a secret, so not sure if that makes it an elopement or a destination wedding or?

Basically, there were lots of family issues on his side, and on my side I knew the people that could afford to go were NOT really the people I'd most want to be there. So rather than inviting people and seeing who could get time off, afford to go, etc, we just made it a private ceremony in the same place we had our honeymoon (highlands of scotland). 

We lived in different cities, so either way it was going to be a hassle for people, and with planning ahead and getting a great travel package at a great deal, our amazing private wedding in a small candlelit chapel with an Episcopal Priest PLUS the honeymoon was less than the cost of an average wedding. 

We did have a big party a month later, to celebrate, with family and friends, but that was at our home and I made all the food - scottish recipes 🙂 And DH made a cake with fondant in the shape of the Loch Ness Monster! We showed the video (we did pay for a videographer for my parents' sake) at the party in one room for anyone that wanted to see it, and just hang out and had a good time. 

My first wedding, to my ex, I was pregnant and we planned it very quickly. Church wedding at the church down the street, reception at my parents's house with pasta and salad and appetizers from a local restaurant. My aunt made chocolate dipped strawberries and we did buy a small wedding cake from a friend of my mom's that made them. Afterward a bunch of our friends came back to our apartment where we shared pizza and hung out in comfy clothes. It was great. 

I've been to so many weddings at big rented places with all the rented table linens and such and I'm sorry, they all just blur together. I can't imagine spending that much money, having no time to really talk to anyone since there are so many people to greet, and no one even remembers anything about it later anyway. 

(oh, and did my own makeup the first time, and my sister and mom and I did go to a salon to get our hair done. The second time, in Scotland, I had someone who did my hair for me as my really is difficult to do anything with and I have zero talent in that department, but it was less than $50. I did my own makeup.)

[Catwoman]

4 hours ago, regentrude said:

My DS is getting married Easter Sunday some time after/around noon but they don't want a "wedding". I hope they will tell us the exact time sometime soon. A pavilion is reserved in a nearby park. Parents and siblings are allowed to be there to witness the ceremony. I believe the food plan is a picnic at the park. I hope his gf will let me know what foods to bring.

If DS doesn't tell me details soon, I will threaten to contact his soon-to-be MIL and make PLANS.  Lol. Almost the chillest wedding ever - except DH and I eloped and spent a week in Paris on a grad student budget. 

 

2 hours ago, Night Elf said:

My dd29 is getting married on the 29th of this month and she and her bridal party just got home from a weekend at Disneyworld. Good grief! When her best friend got married, she decided a cruise was in order for her bridal party but only my daughter could afford it and that was done on purpose so the other bridesmaids wouldn't go with them. Talk about rude! I was aghast! 

 

9 minutes ago, Joker2 said:

Ds is getting married next year and it will be very small. Actual smaller than I was hoping as I thought grandparents would be invited, but nope. ☹️ I’m sure it will be lovely though.

They are renting an Air Bnb in the city, having Dh officiate, and only parents and our youngest are invited. They’re planning on a small cake and want a photographer but that’s it. I don’t know what the attire will be yet but I know they’re not going the traditional route so I’m sure it will be fun. 

CONGRATULATIONS to Regentrude’s son, Beth’s daughter, and Joker’s son!!! 🎈🍾🎉🎊 

[ktgrok]

Oh, and let me put my old lady pants on and join in the complaining about these weekend destination bachelorette parties!!!! People are already shelling out money for clothing and travel and babysitters and what not to come to your wedding, plus a wedding gift, plus a bridal shower gift. Expecting them to pay to fly to Vegas or for a cruise or even just for a party limo and hotel for two nights and spa event, etc etc is NOT OKAY unless all your friends are independently wealthy!

I promise, y'all will have JUST as much fun if you hang out at someone's house or go out to a local club. I promise. Maybe more, since more friends will actually be able to come! 

I hated having to turn down invites to this stuff, but for crying out loud! It's crazy! 

and I'm totally on board with the old fashioned "cake and punch" reception in the church hall after the ceremony. 

Edited April 3, 2022 by ktgrok

[Carrie12345]

3 hours ago, catz said:

What are people complaining about?  The wedding size?  They weren't invited?  That is completely bizarre to me.  And I'm from the midwest FWIW I don't know which way this went but just wanted to throw that in there.  Sounds like a very niche community/family that has very specific expectations on how weddings are "done".    Are these seniors who have filter issues?

Like in general, unless your precious random opinion is solicited, you can just zip it.   It is just beyond weird to me that anyone would say anything other than something along the lines of "your wedding was beautiful/enjoyable/lovely/memorable" after the fact?  Don't people learn, if you don't have anything nice to say .... anymore?

Rarely.
MIL wanted a “real” wedding. Don’t know why, as she was already married.  After the party she insisted on, she was pissed that she had paid more than we received in gifts, so I’m not going to pretend she’s sane.  She hated all of it. Over 20 years later, I hate her, so I hope she literally has nightmares about it on a regular basis. 🤣🤣🤣

[katilac]

2 hours ago, Night Elf said:

When her best friend got married, she decided a cruise was in order for her bridal party but only my daughter could afford it and that was done on purpose so the other bridesmaids wouldn't go with them. Talk about rude! I was aghast! 

For heaven's sake, she didn't have to present it as a bridal party thing at all! She and your dd could have simply gone on a cruise. 

2 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I wish I had understood how important a religious ceremony was to him and his family and his church(that was really important to him then), because if I had tried to understand I would have compromised a little more.  Instead I took the easy way out.  Looking back though DH swears he’d have hated a large church wedding and is glad we half eloped.

I wouldn't have any regrets, it's just as well those people showed their true colors. 

45 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

  (as in - hiked into the wilderness with their officiant and no one else)  

And witnesses, yeah?    I just looked this up, and was amazed to discover that only about half of states require witnesses for a wedding. That simplifies things, because it's hard on parents if two witnesses get to attend but they don't (unless you just grab random people). 

28 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

I admit I had a destination wedding - sort of - but we didn't invite anyone :  

So sort of eloping, except it wasn't a secret, so not sure if that makes it an elopement or a destination wedding or?

 

Private wedding. 

21 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

CONGRATULATIONS to Regentrude’s son, Beth’s daughter, and Joker’s son!!! 🎈🍾🎉🎊 

I'm losing track of all the Well-Trained Weddings! 

[Amethyst]

Ooh, just thought of something else to complain about! Lol

Those “introductions” at the reception where each member of the bridal party is introduced. Again, with the performance! I’ve seen people have to walk/strut/dance in…whatever you call it, it almost always looks awkward. I’ve seen where they all where sunglasses. Ugh. Fortunately I’ve never seen any in-person as over-the-top as some I’ve seen online. Ugh. These are your people, your family, your friends. Introductions?!? Greet your guests, mingle! Ugh. I’m such a fuddy duddy. 

[JennyD]

I love all weddings.  Big, small, destination, whatever.   I will send a gift, cry during your vows, and dance until my feet hurt.

Low-key weddings in the park are utterly charming.  Tiny intimate weddings are delightful.   But my friend's wedding that featured hundreds of guests, unbelievably loud Russian music, and just RIVERS of vodka was pretty awesome too.  And I have a relative who pulled out all the stops -- and heaven knows how much money -- for one of those multiday extravanganzas, which was completely over-the-top and remains such a happy memory for the whole family, in part because the bride's beloved grandmother died shortly afterwards.   I still think of her sometimes at that wedding.

Edited April 3, 2022 by JennyD

[ktgrok]

9 minutes ago, Amethyst said:

Ooh, just thought of something else to complain about! Lol

Those “introductions” at the reception where each member of the bridal party is introduced. Again, with the performance! I’ve seen people have to walk/strut/dance in…whatever you call it, it almost always looks awkward. I’ve seen where they all where sunglasses. Ugh. Fortunately I’ve never seen any in-person as over-the-top as some I’ve seen online. Ugh. These are your people, your family, your friends. Introductions?!? Greet your guests, mingle! Ugh. I’m such a fuddy duddy. 

It’s like homecoming court or something!

[Faith-manor]

24 minutes ago, katilac said:

For heaven's sake, she didn't have to present it as a bridal party thing at all! She and your dd could have simply gone on a cruise. 

I wouldn't have any regrets, it's just as well those people showed their true colors. 

And witnesses, yeah?    I just looked this up, and was amazed to discover that only about half of states require witnesses for a wedding. That simplifies things, because it's hard on parents if two witnesses get to attend but they don't (unless you just grab random people). 

Private wedding. 

I'm losing track of all the Well-Trained Weddings! 

Well, I should probably tell you that our eldest boy, 25, has found his life partner. This fall there will be a secular ceremony but no formal reception. We adore her!

Their plan is a ceremony in a picturesque spot on her college campus for just them - probably at the nature center -  siblings, parents, grandparents, and a handful of friends. We offered to take the whole group out for dinner after and have reservations at a restaurant that is very beautiful inside. They don't want formal photos, so it's me with the DSLR and friends with cell phone cameras. No frills. She has a black evening gown from a previous function she wants to wear, and ds has his kilt in the family tartan from my side, a vest to match, and a white standard wing shirt to wear with it. We are excited for them. 

I am providing some candle jars for the tables at the restaurants. I have ordered ribbon in her family's tartan plaid as well as mine. I will use that around the base of the jars, and they will be filled with water and have floating candles. Other than that, no decorations except a small card box that I am making, and a small cake being ordered from the bakery that the restaurant uses. They chose a very pretty cake. Her family is gifting them a couple of days on Mackinac Island before the tourist season is over.

[katilac]

7 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Well, I should probably tell you that our eldest boy, 25, has found his life partner. 

omigosh, yay to all of the young love! 

And now please excuse me, I have to go start a spreadsheet . . . 

[Faith-manor]

15 minutes ago, katilac said:

omigosh, yay to all of the young love! 

And now please excuse me, I have to go start a spreadsheet . . . 

😂😂😂.You go woman!

[J-rap]

3 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

This is what we did in 2008.  I wanted just a small wedding but we did have aunts and uncles there too and two cousins i am close to. Maybe 30 people total. 
Several months later we had a party.  But the vows were sacred to me and I wanted those private. Just my personal preference.

However. DH was from a church and a tradition where marriages were at the church, it was an open invitation to everyone in the church, there were 200 people, and the church ladies put on a finger food/sandwich/punch reception in the basement. DH was a deacon and his dad was like the head elder, and honestly he was the church’s golden boy who they had all hoped would marry one of their virgin daughters.

A couple of my sisters and cousins had already gotten married, and our tradition was wedding in a church that we only nominally attended and catered reception at a hotel’s ballroom or event room complete with dancing, DJ, and open/cash bar. Not everyone you knew was invited and definitely not an open invitation to the church.   Looking back, I remember the day my future in laws gave me their very long guest list and I about died because it was. so. long. 
DH didn’t care either way and honestly, I think we all but eloped because the two traditions had no real middle ground.

The unseen consequence was that almost no one from the church showed up at our wedding reception months later, his own pastor was horrified we were not married in a church and did not have a religious ceremony, and there was a lot of hurt feelings. It snowballed and now my husband is no longer a Christian and wants nothing to do with the church, and it stems from the hurt that started with the wedding. I wish I had understood how important a religious ceremony was to him and his family and his church(that was really important to him then), because if I had tried to understand I would have compromised a little more.  Instead I took the easy way out.  Looking back though DH swears he’d have hated a large church wedding and is glad we half eloped.

I've never really understood this.  Why one someone give up on their whole faith just because of a social/cultural disappointment?  (Sorry it happened though.)

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

 

And witnesses, yeah?    I just looked this up, and was amazed to discover that only about half of states require witnesses for a wedding. That simplifies things, because it's hard on parents if two witnesses get to attend but they don't (unless you just grab random people). 

 

Like I said, *hiked* - this wasn't a meander, it was a serious hike.   I know the area, but dont' remember the exact trail. I dont' think it was even a day hike.

[gardenmom5]

1 minute ago, J-rap said:

I've never really understood this.  Why one someone give up on their whole faith just because of a social/cultural disappointment?  (Sorry it happened though.)

as an Aspie, I can understand the not feeling comfortable with an open invitation for everyone who attends the church.

[J-rap]

18 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

as an Aspie, I can understand the not feeling comfortable with an open invitation for everyone who attends the church.

I understand that part...    It's the walking away from your faith altogether (not just a church community, but the faith) because of something like that.  

[Jaybee]

As per @Quill, a few other things that saved money:

An uncle made wooden holders for tea lights for reception tables. A sister browsed thrift stores for several months for old jars/containers and decorated rustically with sticks and branches in them, ordered burlap strips for the tables, etc.

Flowers for one were ordered from a wholesale flower shop, then these were the ones arranged by the sisters. Much cheaper than from a floral shop.

Dil told all her bridesmaids to find jewel-toned tea-length dresses, that they checked ahead of time to make sure they didn't clash and to decide arrangement. This way, the girls could wear dresses they either already had, or could buy something in a style and color they really liked and could/would wear again. In the church, they didn't have flowers for decorating, so it looked plain at first. But when the wedding party came in with the variety of bright colors, and with them holding their bouquets, it was so very pretty. Then for the reception, the bridesmaids' bouquets were set around in vases to decorate. The men of the wedding party wore jeans, white shirts, bowties of various colors, and suspenders. Except for the groom, who added a sports jacket.

Dd2 (family wedding) didn't have a "wedding party" because there are so many sisters with the combined families, and she didn't want to choose.

The church weddings were in churches they regularly attended, so that cut venue cost. The state park was an affordable "venue" for the outside wedding and the reception in one of their stand-alone buildings.

Two of the cakes were bought from Publix. They were not cheap, but less than private caterers, and were delicious. The family wedding dd only chose a groom's cake, because they preferred chocolate, lol.

I know the styles wouldn't fit everybody, but we are pretty casual people, and these were ways we could make it work financially as well.

Several years ago, we attended an overseas outside wedding within the expat community. It was a wonderful experience. People came into the area, and wandered around for awhile visiting with each other. There was a coffee stand, and a smoothie stand, for people to get their favorites beforehand. We sat at round tables for the ceremony, which then doubled for the reception dinner. Instead of wedding cake, they had several different kinds of cheesecake. There were so many touches that were unique to the area and to the couple, but I won't go into all those. But I will say that it was a great reminder that a wedding is to celebrate that particular couple, and they don't have to look the same!

 

[wintermom]

I haven't read all the posts, so please forgive me if this is repetitive.

I want my dc to have a Covid-sized wedding, with very few people, no big party, no dinner nor dancing. I have a couple friends who's dc had a Covid wedding, and I'm all for it. The expense of a large wedding is crazy, especially for people just starting out in the world. Housing costs are crazy in our area, and I'd much rather my dc invest in their future rather than a big party more for relatives than for themselves.