Family jewelry advice needed

[Kassia]

I have an antique piece of jewelry that has been handed down mother to daughter for many generations (can't remember how many) and I'm not sure what to do with it.  It has no sentimental value to me (in fact it gives me bad feelings because my mother was a narcissist and we were estranged for many years before her death) and it wouldn't to dd either since she never knew my mother (my mother's choice) or anyone else on my side of the family.   

My grandmother was one of three girls and she was given this jewelry and she passed it to my mother - her only child - who passed it down to me - her only child.  But I have four kids - 3 sons and dd.  The jewelry is valuable so is it fair to pass it to dd and leave out her brothers if the jewelry has no meaning to any of us?  Do I just sell it?  I'm really not sure what to do.  

 

And as a s/o in my own post - do you have plans for your wedding ring when you die?  I don't know what to do about that either.  That obviously does have sentimental value to me but probably very little financial value.

 

[ktgrok]

Just now, Kassia said:

I have an antique piece of jewelry that has been handed down mother to daughter for many generations (can't remember how many) and I'm not sure what to do with it.  It has no sentimental value to me (in fact it gives me bad feelings because my mother was a narcissist and we were estranged for many years before her death) and it wouldn't to dd either since she never knew my mother (my mother's choice) or anyone else on my side of the family.   

My grandmother was one of three girls and she was given this jewelry and she passed it to my mother - her only child - who passed it down to me - her only child.  But I have four kids - 3 sons and dd.  The jewelry is valuable so is it fair to pass it to dd and leave out her brothers if the jewelry has no meaning to any of us?  Do I just sell it?  I'm really not sure what to do.  

 

And as a s/o in my own post - do you have plans for your wedding ring when you die?  I don't know what to do about that either.  That obviously does have sentimental value to me but probably very little financial value.

 

Sell the family jewelry. It has no value to you and may cause headaches to your kids? Get rid of it. Heck, spend the money you make on some therapy to counter what your mom put you through, lol! (only sort of kidding!) Or use that money to do something together, as a family, to make some good memories to replace the bad ones of your birth family. Something your kids will remember fondly. 

Your other option is to track down someone related to your grandmother who might want it - one of her sisters kids. 

[HomeAgain]

I'd put it in a safe place and forget about it.  The children can decide after you're gone.

I say that, but my children currently have each put dibs on the table we had custom made in Italy.  It's a beautiful, inlaid floating top design that extends another two meters, forming a "generations" table for holidays.  I'm not cutting the table and I'm not selling it, lol.  We've decided to handle this a different way. What will eventually happen is that a lot will change in life, and it may be more appropriate in one adult child's home than the other.  They can decide that.  The other child will get my book collection, something else they want.  It includes well worn family read alouds, first editions, signed copies from popular authors... or, they can decide that neither want the things at that point in their lives and sell/give to others to enjoy.

 

Edit to answer the question about the wedding ring.  I don't wear one.  Dh and I decided years down the line to get necklaces instead.   There is no monetary value in them and they will biodegrade eventually instead, so I do not care what happens after our deaths.  Obviously, whichever of us goes first will keep the other person's , and our kids can decide if they want the jewelry to be cremated with us, put on our urns until our ashes are scattered, or discard them.

Edited January 12, 2022 by HomeAgain

[Kassia]

13 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

 Or use that money to do something together, as a family, to make some good memories to replace the bad ones of your birth family. Something your kids will remember fondly. 

 

This has been my thought for a while.  We could put the money towards something we'd all enjoy together.  Thank you.  I just feel guilty breaking the chain (no pun intended) but it's an ugly chain.  My grandmother was also vicious to my mother for a while and they were estranged (for good reason) and somehow patched things up in the years before my grandmother died.  I have very mixed feelings about my grandmother - she was good to me but I saw/heard what she did to my mother and it was very ugly.  My sons know about and witnessed  how terrible my mother was to me.  Dd is much younger than they are and was shielded from all of that because of the estrangement at that point.

Edited January 12, 2022 by Kassia

[marbel]

I'd sell or give away any heirloom that had such bad associations for me and that I knew my kid would not want. Just because it's a family tradition doesn't mean you have to keep it going. Like you said, it's an ugly chain. You have no good stories to tell your daughter about the item and the people it came from. So, all the value in the piece is money. So sell it and enjoy the money. If you can, use it for something completely enjoyable. Sounds like you have broken the chain of bad mother/child relationships, so selling the piece may be symbolic of that. 

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, marbel said:

 Sounds like you have broken the chain of bad mother/child relationships,

I desperately hope this is true!  It was horrible witnessing my grandmother/mother and then having to deal with it myself with my mother.  Thank you for your advice. 

[Murphy101]

I’d keep it and either pass it to dd to decide or I’d remove the stone and have a new ring made for her to start your own tradition. 

Each of my girls gets a ring of their choice from my jewelry box at 13. It’s not a purity ring or anything. It’s just a ring from their mother when they are no longer little children anymore.  However I rarely wear jewelry aside from my wedding rings and I don’t even wear those these days.  So I only had 3 rings to pass down.  One of them is an opal and diamond one I got when I was 13 and it would have gone to dd3 BUT dd4 was also born in October so I have decided to hold it back for her and I bought a new blue topaz and diamond ring for dd3.  Her fav color is light blue and my anniversary ring is sapphire so there’s still some connection there.  So far they have never taken them off except to transfer the ring from their pointer finger to a smaller finger as they grow up.

You can be buried with your wedding ring if it isn’t too terribly valuable. Luckily mine is not. Lol

I do not think loving our kids equal means they all are the same. It’s totally okay to do differently with different children.  My boys have never cared one bit that the girls get this special thing from mom.  It’s not like I’ve never done anything ever for my boys. 

Edited January 12, 2022 by Murphy101

[fairfarmhand]

27 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

I'd put it in a safe place and forget about it.  The children can decide after you're gone.

I say that, but my children currently have each put dibs on the table we had custom made in Italy.  It's a beautiful, inlaid floating top design that extends another two meters, forming a "generations" table for holidays.  I'm not cutting the table and I'm not selling it, lol.  We've decided to handle this a different way. What will eventually happen is that a lot will change in life, and it may be more appropriate in one adult child's home than the other.  They can decide that.  The other child will get my book collection, something else they want.  It includes well worn family read alouds, first editions, signed copies from popular authors... or, they can decide that neither want the things at that point in their lives and sell/give to others to enjoy.

My dh and his brothers used an interesting way of dividing his parents stuff after his mother passed in 2020.

They bid on things, using the money from the estate. If course, the estate hadn't closed yet, so it was all hypothetical money when they were sorting through the house, but they kept good records. This only extended to things that more than one person was interested in. So my dh got say 15,000 less in cash when the estate finally closed than one of the other brothers because my dh outbid that brother for things like his mother's car and some family papers from the 1800s. 

This kept things "fair" and nobody can come back later and say "So and so got all the good stuff, sentimental stuff, etc." because they had a chance to choose. 

 

[regentrude]

Sell it. It's just stuff. If it has no sentimental value to you and reminds you of bad things, get rid of it. Just because your ancestors did a certain thing doesn't mean you must continue that tradition.

[Scarlett]

You said your grandmother was one of 3 girls.  Do you have any knowledge or contact with your great aunts or their offspring?  I think it would be nice to pass to one of them.  But not as a hard and fast rule of course.  I think that thought came to me because I am so into genealogy these days.

I too have my first wedding set and then the 25 year anniversary ring (a caret solitaire) that XH gave me just before I busted him cheating on me.  As you can imagine it has bad memories but is valuable (relatively). I tried to give it to my son but he didn't want a ring from a 'failed marriage'.  DIL did, but oh well.

[fairfarmhand]

Op, sell the jewelry. Enjoy the money making fun memories with your own family.

[Innisfree]

I'd say selling the piece would be fine, but other outcomes are also fine. How old is your dd? Does she like jewelry, or antique items in general? I have one who would love something like that just for its own sake, as old jewelry, aside from any family associations, and one who'd have no interest at all. For that matter, boys might be interested too, and want to be able to give a future wife a beautiful piece.

If one child inherited the jewelry, is there anything else to balance the inheritance: other heirlooms, from either side of the family, or items like the table or books other boardies mentioned?

If selling it has cathartic value, and that's what you want to do, do it, without guilt. But if the item appeals to anyone, maybe try to give it a new lease on life, with better associations. Think of it as redeeming it from an unhappy past.

[HomeAgain]

1 minute ago, fairfarmhand said:

My dh and his brothers used an interesting way of dividing his parents stuff after his mother passed in 2020.

They bid on things, using the money from the estate. If course, the estate hadn't closed yet, so it was all hypothetical money when they were sorting through the house, but they kept good records. This only extended to things that more than one person was interested in. So my dh got say 15,000 less in cash when the estate finally closed than one of the other brothers because my dh outbid that brother for things like his mother's car and some family papers from the 1800s. 

This kept things "fair" and nobody can come back later and say "So and so got all the good stuff, sentimental stuff, etc." because they had a chance to choose. 

 

Oh, I like that! I may have to write that up as a note in my final documents as a suggestion.

Our kids took to putting post-its around the house for a while, but quickly realized that unless we died pretty darn soon, the dvd collection and Playstation 3 would be antiquated oddities in their adult homes.😂 So they narrowed it down to the table, books, and a baseball card collection that can be split evenly.

 

[Faith-manor]

I would do Ktgrok suggested. I would not keep it, pass it on, of worry about dividing up the money. Sell it and then use that money in a positive way now.

The vast majority of what my mom has to pass on will be gotten rid of due to negative memories associated to it. There is no point in keeping an albatross around. Don't let abusers have free space in our hearts and brains from beyond the grave!

Edited January 12, 2022 by Faith-manor

[Kassia]

16 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

I’d keep it and either pass it to dd to decide or I’d remove the stone and have a new ring made for her to start your own tradition. 

 

It's a locket with no stone.  I don't wear jewelry either and have almost none other than my inexpensive wedding/engagement rings.  Dd doesn't either but she's only 19.

 

10 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

My dh and his brothers used an interesting way of dividing his parents stuff after his mother passed in 2020.

They bid on things, using the money from the estate. If course, the estate hadn't closed yet, so it was all hypothetical money when they were sorting through the house, but they kept good records. This only extended to things that more than one person was interested in. So my dh got say 15,000 less in cash when the estate finally closed than one of the other brothers because my dh outbid that brother for things like his mother's car and some family papers from the 1800s. 

This kept things "fair" and nobody can come back later and say "So and so got all the good stuff, sentimental stuff, etc." because they had a chance to choose. 

 

What a great idea!  

 

 

9 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

You said your grandmother was one of 3 girls.  Do you have any knowledge or contact with your great aunts or their offspring? 

One sister died a long time ago.  The other is over 100 years old, has dementia, and is in a home.  I'm not in contact with that side of the family at all - I never knew them growing up.  We lived far away plus the relationships were all dysfunctional anyway.  

 

7 minutes ago, Innisfree said:

. How old is your dd? Does she like jewelry, or antique items in general? I have one who would love something like that just for its own sake, as old jewelry, aside from any family associations, and one who'd have no interest at all. For that matter, boys might be interested too, and want to be able to give a future wife a beautiful piece.

If one child inherited the jewelry, is there anything else to balance the inheritance: other heirlooms, from either side of the family, or items like the table or books other boardies mentioned?

 

Dd is 19 and wouldn't have any interest in it at this point.  My sons wouldn't either other than the monetary value (that would go for dd too).  No other family heirlooms to pass own either.  DH has some collections but those also only have monetary value to them and not sentimental.  

I've had it for a long time and am in no rush to get rid of it but I hadn't thought about it in a long time and just realized I don't know what should be done about it eventually.  

 

2 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

I would do what It from suggested. I would not keep it, pass it on, of worry about dividing up the money. Sell it and then use that money in a positive way now.

The vast majority of what my mom has to pass on will be gotten rid of due to negative memories associated to it. There is no point in keeping an albatross around. Don't let abusers have free space in our hearts and brains from beyond the grave!

I'm sorry you have negative memories with your mom too.  You are absolutely right about not allowing abusers to have free space in our hearts/brains beyond the grave!  My mother died over two years ago and somehow managed to keep harassing me up until recently.  I hope it's all over and done with now but I feel like I'll never be free! 

[DreamerGirl]

Sell it and use the money positively.

I value family and sentimentality. There are a lot of thing I do every day that remind me of my grandmother or mom that gives me a sense of comfort as something that was passed across generations. My grandma is long gone and my mom is continents away.

But I am also the person who spearheaded the sale of our family home which does not exist in it's original form, but the land on which it stands is where family of 5 generations including my nephew and niece have lived. But it was just not working for my family especially my parents any more. I did have a lot of grief because all my memories of home and childhood was there. But it was time to move on.

You can and should break the generational chain where possible. it is ok to do so.  Holding on to something because of some ancestor when it is not working or from what you say is not exactly a pleasant thing is ok. Change is ok. It is even good.

Sell it.

[Faith-manor]

Just now, Kassia said:

 

I'm sorry you have negative memories with your mom too.  You are absolutely right about not allowing abusers to have free space in our hearts/brains beyond the grave!  My mother died over two years ago and somehow managed to keep harassing me up until recently.  I hope it's all over and done with now but I feel like I'll never be free! 

For me, the issue is my dad. Apart from clothes and some cheap jewelry she really doesn't have anything unique to her. Everything is pretty well linked to my dad, and he is the one I try not to let haunt my life.

[Innisfree]

1 minute ago, Kassia said:

Dd is 19 and wouldn't have any interest in it at this point.  My sons wouldn't either other than the monetary value (that would go for dd too).  No other family heirlooms to pass own either.  DH has some collections but those also only have monetary value to them and not sentimental.  

Given this, I'd sell it and use the money for something that matters to you.

[Scarlett]

22 minutes ago, Innisfree said:

Given this, I'd sell it and use the money for something that matters to you.

Yep I agree 

[Selkie]

I inherited a piece of jewelry that has bad memories attached to it. I'm selling it and donating the money to an animal rescue. Just taking something bad and turning it into something good.

[Grace Hopper]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

This has been my thought for a while.  We could put the money towards something we'd all enjoy together.  Thank you.  I just feel guilty breaking the chain (no pun intended) but it's an ugly chain.  My grandmother was also vicious to my mother for a while and they were estranged (for good reason) and somehow patched things up in the years before my grandmother died.  I have very mixed feelings about my grandmother - she was good to me but I saw/heard what she did to my mother and it was very ugly.  My sons know about and witnessed  how terrible my mother was to me.  Dd is much younger than they are and was shielded from all of that because of the estrangement at that point.

I inherited a ring from a parent that had been given to her by an abusive spouse. Didn’t take too long to decide to sell it. It had several stones in it and could have been remade into enough pieces that each of my children could have gotten something. But…. bad juju. I used the money towards burial expenses. Years down the road, no regrets. 

[1234]

If no one cares about it, I think it’s fine to sell. I was given my grandmother’s wedding ring when she died and I recently passed that down to Ds when he proposed to his girlfriend. Since I gave that ring to Ds, youngest knows they get my wedding ring when I’m gone. 

[happi duck]

I wouldn't worry about breaking the chain.  The chain you'd be breaking isn't "beloved heirloom with cherished memories representing unbroken bonds" but instead "obligation, guilt and memories of broken relationships".  That's a good chain to break!  If it gets sold maybe it will be purchased and become the beginning of a positive chain somewhere.

I wish my mom's rings had been buried with her.

[mlktwins]

I would not keep it for your children to deal with!!!

[history-fan]

I inherited several pieces of antique jewelry that I was told was valuable yet when I brought it in to get appraised I learned it’s current realistic monetary value which was much lower than I thought. Besides selling your piece another option would be to take to jeweler melt it down and make something  your daughter would like.

[Shoeless]

Sell it. 

I am selling off all the stuff with bad juju that I inherited. No regrets. I should have done it years ago.

[Catwoman]

If there is even the slightest chance that this piece of jewelry will cause any kind of disagreement between your children after you're gone, get rid of it right now. If it was something super-sentimental, it would be different -- and I would make sure everyone knew who was getting it -- but in this case, it seems like it has negative emotions attached to it, so I would either sell it now or specify in your will that it be sold after you pass away, and the proceeds be split evenly among the kids.

I'm not big on the idea of kids having to decide who-gets-what after their parents die, because even if the kids would always be fair about it, there's no telling what their future spouses may try to influence them to do, so it's easier to have things as cut and dried as possible. Families can be torn apart over things like splitting up a parent's estate, even when there isn't a large fortune involved. People can get pretty weird about money.

I have only one son, so he already knows that he's getting everything. Easy peasy.  🙂 

Edited January 12, 2022 by Catwoman

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

If there is even the slightest chance that this piece of jewelry will cause any kind of disagreement between your children after you're gone, get rid of it right now. If it was something super-sentimental, it would be different -- and I would make sure everyone knew who was getting it -- but in this case, it seems like it has negative emotions attached to it, so I would either sell it now or specify in your will that it be sold after you pass away, and the proceeds be split evenly among the kids.

I'm not big on the idea of kids having to decide who-gets-what after their parents die, because even if the kids would always be fair about it, there's no telling what their future spouses may try to influence them to do, so it's easier to have things as cut and dried as possible.

I have only one son, so he already knows that he's getting everything. Easy peasy.  🙂 

One concern that I have is how everyone will feel about it if I sell it.  Like it's my obligation to pass it to dd and I'm somehow cheating her in some way if I sell it and we do something with the money that benefits everyone.  My sons know about it (although maybe they wouldn't even remember) but dd doesn't.  Not that I'm hiding it from anyone, it just seems so complicated. 
 

[JennyD]

2 hours ago, marbel said:

Sounds like you have broken the chain of bad mother/child relationships, so selling the piece may be symbolic of that. 

This is a great way to think about it.

2 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

They bid on things, using the money from the estate. If course, the estate hadn't closed yet, so it was all hypothetical money when they were sorting through the house, but they kept good records. This only extended to things that more than one person was interested in. So my dh got say 15,000 less in cash when the estate finally closed than one of the other brothers because my dh outbid that brother for things like his mother's car and some family papers from the 1800s. 

My mother is the executor of an estate over which seven adult children are currently fighting, and this is exactly what DH and I have been suggesting that she do.  

[Shoeless]

4 minutes ago, Kassia said:

One concern that I have is how everyone will feel about it if I sell it.  Like it's my obligation to pass it to dd and I'm somehow cheating her in some way if I sell it and we do something with the money that benefits everyone.  My sons know about it (although maybe they wouldn't even remember) but dd doesn't.  Not that I'm hiding it from anyone, it just seems so complicated. 
 

Have you asked your kids how they'd feel if you sell it?  I would bet they won't care.

You aren't cheating your daughter out of something if you sell an item she doesn't even know exists. People don't miss what they don't know.

It's actually not that complicated, but your relationship with your mother was complicated, and that's clouding how you view this piece of jewelry.

Edited January 12, 2022 by MissLemon

[SKL]

Would any other female relative appreciate the sentimental value of this?  If so, I'd give it to her.

I also see nothing wrong with passing it down to your daughter only.  It's not like it's cash.  You can't break it up among your kids.  Maybe there is something else you could hand down to your sons in a similar way.

I also see nothing wrong with selling it if you really don't care and nobody else (alive) does either.

[fairfarmhand]

7 minutes ago, Kassia said:

One concern that I have is how everyone will feel about it if I sell it.  Like it's my obligation to pass it to dd and I'm somehow cheating her in some way if I sell it and we do something with the money that benefits everyone.  My sons know about it (although maybe they wouldn't even remember) but dd doesn't.  Not that I'm hiding it from anyone, it just seems so complicated. 
 

Why not buy your dd a new piece of jewelry to start a new tradition. You've started a tradition of a healthy family with healthy relationships, why not celebrate that?

You could also do something for your sons along the same vein...a pocketknife, a pocket watch, etc.

[SKL]

As for wedding ring, I assume my mom will wear hers into the afterlife?  I personally don't have one, so that won't be a concern.

Remember when there was a "die broke" trend?  That's kinda where I am.  I don't want to leave my kids bunch of crap to clean up and fight over.  If there's something they would like to have, I'd rather give it to them as soon as they are mature enough to handle it.

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, SKL said:

As for wedding ring, I assume my mom will wear hers into the afterlife?  I personally don't have one, so that won't be a concern.

Remember when there was a "die broke" trend?  That's kinda where I am.  I don't want to leave my kids bunch of crap to clean up and fight over.  If there's something they would like to have, I'd rather give it to them as soon as they are mature enough to handle it.

That is where I am headed. When my kids have their own homes, I plan to slowly, over the years, fill their homes with things that they will like and enjoy and I can watch them enjoy those things. 

I have three or four sets of lovely dishes from my grandmother. I plan on passing these as soon as my dds are ready for them. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

12 minutes ago, Kassia said:

One concern that I have is how everyone will feel about it if I sell it.  Like it's my obligation to pass it to dd and I'm somehow cheating her in some way if I sell it and we do something with the money that benefits everyone.  My sons know about it (although maybe they wouldn't even remember) but dd doesn't.  Not that I'm hiding it from anyone, it just seems so complicated. 
 

Isn’t the chain just grandmother to your mom to you?  So it’s not a really long chain going back hundreds of years. 

[happi duck]

Like a pp mentioned, old things often aren't valuable cash wise.  Find out what it's worth and go from there.  Don't look at what people are asking for it online but actually see what a dealer or jeweler or consigner or cash for gold place would give you for it.

[Catwoman]

18 minutes ago, Kassia said:

One concern that I have is how everyone will feel about it if I sell it.  Like it's my obligation to pass it to dd and I'm somehow cheating her in some way if I sell it and we do something with the money that benefits everyone.  My sons know about it (although maybe they wouldn't even remember) but dd doesn't.  Not that I'm hiding it from anyone, it just seems so complicated. 
 

Who is "everyone?" Do you mean your own kids, or other extended family members?

[Carol in Cal.]

1 hour ago, history-fan said:

I inherited several pieces of antique jewelry that I was told was valuable yet when I brought it in to get appraised I learned it’s current realistic monetary value which was much lower than I thought. Besides selling your piece another option would be to take to jeweler melt it down and make something  your daughter would like.

This is an excellent point.

I have some fake blue pearls that had belonged to a beloved grandmother, whose son told me that they were her only ‘good jewelry’.  They were fake and worthless.  I’m glad I have them though.

And the supposed Swedish crystal glasses from my other grandmother turned out to be dime a dozen pressed glass as well. Not valuable but I do love them.

[Kassia]

18 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

 

You aren't cheating your daughter out of something if you sell an item she doesn't even know exists. People don't miss what they don't know.

 

She doesn't know it exists, but her brothers do.  I feel torn because it should go to her based on family history and then I'd be cheating her out of it even though it would have no sentimental value and she'd never wear it either.  

 

16 minutes ago, SKL said:

Would any other female relative appreciate the sentimental value of this?  If so, I'd give it to her.

 

I don't know anyone in the family and all the FOO I grew up with are all gone.  

 

13 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Why not buy your dd a new piece of jewelry to start a new tradition. You've started a tradition of a healthy family with healthy relationships, why not celebrate that?

 

I just thought of that.  I have a nice gold chain that DH gave me when we started dating.  I was 18 when he gave it to me and she's 19 now.  Maybe she'd like that.

 

8 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Isn’t the chain just grandmother to your mom to you?  So it’s not a really long chain going back hundreds of years. 

No, it was passed down at least from my great great grandmother from mother to daughter each time.  Might be one generation longer.  I have the paperwork upstairs but it's too hard to get to right now.  

 

3 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Who is "everyone?" Do you mean your own kids, or other extended family members?

I mean my own kids.  I don't know my other family members.

[Spryte]

What does your DD think about it? Maybe ask her?

I wouldn’t hesitate to sell it, or pass it on to some very extended family member who might appreciate it.

 

 

[Shoeless]

 

2 minutes ago, Kassia said:

She doesn't know it exists, but her brothers do.  I feel torn because it should go to her based on family history and then I'd be cheating her out of it even though it would have no sentimental value and she'd never wear it either.  

What exactly is she being cheated out of, though? The experience of owning something she won't ever wear? Obligation?

You aren't cheating her out of anything. That's the voice of a narcissist hissing that you owe everyone something.

[Kassia]

3 minutes ago, Spryte said:

What does your DD think about it? Maybe ask her?

I wouldn’t hesitate to sell it, or pass it on to some very extended family member who might appreciate it.

 

 

I will ask her.  I don't expect her to have any interest but I don't want to sell it without her knowing first since it *rightfully* belongs to her.  I don't know any extended family.  

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

 

What exactly is she being cheated out of, though? The experience of owning something she won't ever wear? Obligation?

You aren't cheating her out of anything. That's the voice of a narcissist hissing that you owe everyone something.

I feel like the locket was given to me with the obligation to pass it down to her.  If I were to sell it without her knowledge/permission it would feel like I'm selling something that belongs to her.  Does that make sense?  

[Shoeless]

Just now, Kassia said:

I feel like the locket was given to me with the obligation to pass it down to her.  If I were to sell it without her knowledge/permission it would feel like I'm selling something that belongs to her.  Does that make sense?  

It makes sense...but do you see that obligation to a narc isn't a gift? And that all the conflicted feelings you have about this right now are thanks to a narcissist?

It actually doesn't belong to her. It currently belongs to you.

I hope I'm not pushing too hard on you about this. I hate to see you so conflicted about it. 

I just made the decision to get rid of my own box of obligation, and man, it feels SO freeing to be rid of it. I never have to think about "what to do about that box?" ever again. 

[Grace Hopper]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

One concern that I have is how everyone will feel about it if I sell it.  Like it's my obligation to pass it to dd and I'm somehow cheating her in some way if I sell it and we do something with the money that benefits everyone.  My sons know about it (although maybe they wouldn't even remember) but dd doesn't.  Not that I'm hiding it from anyone, it just seems so complicated. 
 

Hmm in your particular circumstances the question might be, does your ds’s gf know about it? Given what you’ve shared in the past… just part with it. It might cause trouble down the line for you. Others may want it, but perhaps it’s time to just be Frodo and cast that token into the fiery pit. 

Edited January 12, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[Ellie]

Yes, it is fair to give it to your dd. It will stay in the family that way. A ds could give it to his wife, and they might not live happily ever after, and she might take it with her, and then it's gone.

[lmrich]

another vote to sell it and buy something you will enjoy or to make a memory

Interestingly, my mom has three engagement rings - the one from my dad and two from other guys - she did not get give them (one guy cheated on her and the other guy told her to keep it) plus she has my grandmother's engagement ring. No idea what will happen to all those rings. 

[Arcadia]

11 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I feel like the locket was given to me with the obligation to pass it down to her.  If I were to sell it without her knowledge/permission it would feel like I'm selling something that belongs to her.  Does that make sense?  

I get the obligation. Since your daughter is already a young adult, I’ll ask her.  
My mom asked me when I was a kid which jewelry I wanted since I was always raiding her jewelry box. My brother (only sibling) isn’t interested so all would go to me including my parents wedding bands. The jewelry won’t fetch much money so I could give my brother whatever amount they appraised for when the time comes. 

[history-fan]

I understand your thinking of feeling obligated to give to your daughter. Give it to your daughter now with the paper work and let her decide what she wants to do- no strings attached she can do whatever she wants, keep it, sell it, melt it etc. 

[HS Mom in NC]

It's. just.stuff. Stuff serves us; we don't serve it. If someone freely wants to keep an item because it serves them as useful or beautiful or as a  joyful reminder of a loved one, I have no problem with that and think it's a good thing. That's not your situation. When someone doesn't want something for whatever reason, but feels enslaved/obligated to it in some way, that's a problem. Just because someone else handed it down does NOT mean you're obligated to hand it down.  Children aren't entitled to their parents' stuff. It's nice to let them inherit and our kids will inherit our stuff, but no one is entitled to anyone else's things.

Since you can't divide one object between 4 children, sell it and divide the money evenly between the kids. Your daughter doesn't have special status to inherit things over her brothers. You can put it in accounts for them of some sort-education/skilled labor training, investment, savings, whatever,  and let the kids have that when they're adults or when you die. 

I have 3 daughters.  Our jewelry is to be sold and the money divided evenly between them.

My mother saved her wedding set for my brother and I.  My parents divorced when I was 1 and my brother was 2. I got the diamond wedding band as a high school graduation gift and he got the engagement ring to give to his future wife or to trade in/sell and use that credit/money to buy a different engagement ring for her. They were about equal in value.  He opted for the latter. But that's only possible when the number of objects match the number of children, which isn't your situation.