Family jewelry advice needed

[Grace Hopper]

14 minutes ago, history-fan said:

I understand your thinking of feeling obligated to give to your daughter. Give it to your daughter now with the paper work and let her decide what she wants to do- no strings attached she can do whatever she wants, keep it, sell it, melt it etc. 

The reason I didn’t do this with my inherited piece is because keeping it in the family meant that it would always be a visible trigger for me. Even if remade into a new shape, the new item would trigger me. So, personally, it was better for me to just be done and have no visual reminders. And to know that even the funds were buried, so to speak. 

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

I feel like the locket was given to me with the obligation to pass it down to her.  If I were to sell it without her knowledge/permission it would feel like I'm selling something that belongs to her.  Does that make sense?  

If you have paperwork for it, and it has been passed down since at least great-great-grandmother, I would save it and give it to your dd for a special occasion, maybe as the "something old" for her wedding or something.

I hadn't realized it was that old. I wouldn't feel right about selling it. And for all you know, your great-grandmother and great-great grandmother were wonderful women you would have absolutely adored. 

Don't let your mother and grandmother ruin the potential significance of this heirloom for you and your dd. If nothing else, it's a cool thing to have something that has been in the family for all those generations, even if the family was less than perfect. It's still interesting and meaningful that those women all saved it and passed it on instead of selling it.

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, MissLemon said:

 

I hope I'm not pushing too hard on you about this. I hate to see you so conflicted about it. 

I just made the decision to get rid of my own box of obligation, and man, it feels SO freeing to be rid of it. I never have to think about "what to do about that box?" ever again. 

No, definitely not pushing too hard!  I asked because I wanted opinions and I appreciate you caring enough to post.  It always means a lot to me.

 

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

does your ds’s gf know about it? Given what you’ve shared in the past… just part with it. It might cause trouble down the line for you. 

I doubt she knows but I don't think she'd care.  She comes from a very wealthy family and she and ds1 earn a ridiculous amount of money.  She has no use for whatever amount this locket is worth.  And I don't think she's a bad person.  She might be high-strung and aloof but I've never seen/heard anything in all these years to make me think she'd try to take something that didn't belong to her.  

 

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

The reason I didn’t do this with my inherited piece is because keeping it in the family meant that it would always be a visible trigger for me. Even if remade into a new shape, the new item would trigger me. So, personally, it was better for me to just be done and have no visual reminders. And to know that even the funds were buried, so to speak. 

Yes, the locket only causes me pain and grief.  There's more to it than I shared here because it's a long story but it holds nothing but bad feelings for me, unfortunately.  

 

49 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

I hadn't realized it was that old. I wouldn't feel right about selling it. And for all you know, your great-grandmother and great-great grandmother were wonderful women you would have absolutely adored. 

Don't let your mother and grandmother ruin the potential significance of this heirloom for you and your dd. If nothing else, it's a cool thing to have something that has been in the family for all those generations, even if the family was less than perfect. It's still interesting and meaningful that those women all saved it and passed it on instead of selling it.

My mother adored her grandmother (my great grandmother).  That's all I know about her but I know she meant a lot to my mother and I assume my grandmother felt the same about her.  

Edited January 12, 2022 by Kassia

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Why not buy your dd a new piece of jewelry to start a new tradition. You've started a tradition of a healthy family with healthy relationships, why not celebrate that?

You could also do something for your sons along the same vein...a pocketknife, a pocket watch, etc.

I love this idea.

[Spryte]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

 

 

Yes, the locket only causes me pain and grief.  There's more to it than I shared here because it's a long story but it holds nothing but bad feelings for me, unfortunately.  

 

 

In that case, I’d let it go. Sell, donate, toss out the car window or overboard from a boat ride. Why pass pain and grief to your daughter, who will likely feel conflicted about it as well, at some point (perhaps not to the same degree, but she would be aware of the estrangements!)? A far better gift would be something she can pass on with joy in her heart, later.

I have boxes and boxes of obligations in our basement. Items with little monetary value, but sentimental meaning to an elderly parent. It’s an albatross. This thread is making me desperately want to unload it all.

[HS Mom in NC]

17 hours ago, Spryte said:

 It’s an albatross. This thread is making me desperately want to unload it all.

So unload it all.  It's.just.stuff. Get rid of it and don't tell the elder about it. If in the future the elder asks, tell them the truth: I got rid of it because it didn't add enough value to my life, but getting rid of it did.  If they're angry or sad about that, let them be angry or sad. We don't have to protect people from their feelings.  No one is ever under obligation to maintain someone else's fantasy life. We each only get to decide what we keep, we don't get to decide what others keep once we're adults. Everyone is different. It's none of our business what other people do with their own stuff.

The whole heirloom thing is inherently problematic anyway because it's inequitable.  Descendants always outnumber ancestors because that's how life works. So eventually there will be the situation just like the OP faces: one sibling getting and the others being overlooked.  Equity is a higher moral value than tradition for its own sake.  Choosing to keep the heirloom mindset is writing an invitation to resentment on a self-addressed envelope. How will the non-chosen feel about the chosen one being preferred?  For what? Some stuff.  Stuff that doesn't matter. Our culture is up to its eyeballs in materialistic nonsense that's been preached to it for so many generations.

Free yourself of obligation to inanimate objects and mindless traditionalism and get rid of it if you don't want to keep it out of sincere joy.

Edited January 13, 2022 by HS Mom in NC

[marbel]

4 hours ago, Kassia said:

I will ask her.  I don't expect her to have any interest but I don't want to sell it without her knowing first since it *rightfully* belongs to her.  I don't know any extended family.  

Take or leave these comments if not helpful, as always, but... it doesn't rightfully belong to her. It belongs to you. It only seems like it belongs to her because that was the circumstance when you were given it.  If you were given the item before you had a daughter, and then it turned out you didn't have a daughter, or any kids at all... who would it belong to? 

I think if I were going to talk with anyone about it, it would be the sons who know about it. Obviously I have zero knowledge, and am basing this off my own family/experience (as we all do here generally) but thinking of my own kid in a similar situation, I can only imagine his response being "Huh? whatever, Mom."  

I think others have suggested this - before you make any decisions, why not have it appraised. I have my own story of a family heirloom that was believed to be very valuable but turned out to be nothing much and only worth about $100. But I also understand you have some documentation for it, so likely I am way off base there. 

I'm sorry this is troubling you so much.

 

[Kassia]

17 minutes ago, marbel said:

Take or leave these comments if not helpful, as always,

I think others have suggested this - before you make any decisions, why not have it appraised. I have my own story of a family heirloom that was believed to be very valuable but turned out to be nothing much and only worth about $100. But I also understand you have some documentation for it, so likely I am way off base there. 

I'm sorry this is troubling you so much.

 

Thank you!  And your comments are always helpful and appreciated! 🙂

The locket was appraised before it was given to me.  That would have been around ten years ago and I still have it but it's upstairs and too hard to get to.  I can't even remember what it was appraised for but it definitely had value but not worth siblings fighting over or anything like that IMO.  

I just want to do the right thing and don't want to cause any hard feelings between me and my kids.  That's what is troubling me.  I wish there was a *right* answer.  

[MercyA]

I'd just give it to your daughter with the paperwork and let her decide what to do with it. Don't overthink.

[history-fan]

There is a book and workbook called “Who gets grandmas yellow pie plate”  It talks about the distributing of items, how to approach it talk with your kids about, what items are important to who etc. You work together on it so everyone is involved. A good place to start. Here’s a video link about it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3NNoVRQpI8
 

 

[Kassia]

25 minutes ago, history-fan said:

There is a book and workbook called “Who gets grandmas yellow pie plate”  It talks about the distributing of items, how to approach it talk with your kids about, what items are important to who etc. You work together on it so everyone is involved. A good place to start. Here’s a video link about it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3NNoVRQpI8
 

 

Thank you!  Just ordered the book from the library.  🙂

[EmilyGF]

My parents aren't very sentimental, so when my grandfather died, they had a jeweler look at the real stuff , appraise it, and then let people buy it out of their inheritance at 66% of market value.

Here's how this worked out in reality:

My grandmother had a very nice ring that had cost $10K to have custom made. It was totally out of fashion, though, so the jeweler said it would basically be sold for parts at $3K. All the family thought it was ugly (totally 1980s over-the-top). My cousin, who was getting engaged, and I bought it together. He paid $1300 and got the diamond, I paid $700 and got the ring, which I had reset with an ruby. (Both of us could have used our inheritance to pay for it, but we both had jobs and just wrote checks.)

We both are happy, and neither feels any sort of obligation to others.

OTOH, I got DH's grandma's inherited ring when we got engaged. It really creeped me out when we'd go to her house and she'd say, "Let me see my ring." She was a very sweet, kind, well-meaning lady, but it just felt odd. 

DH's brother was offered a different ring of Grandma's when he got engaged and refused it.

Emily

[ktgrok]

6 hours ago, MissLemon said:

 

What exactly is she being cheated out of, though? The experience of owning something she won't ever wear? Obligation?

You aren't cheating her out of anything. That's the voice of a narcissist hissing that you owe everyone something.

By giving it to her, jewelry from a woman your DD did not like or respect or care for, you are then burdening her with the same issue you are now facing. Do you want to burden her with that same conundrum? Imagine writing a gift note that says, "here is a locket you won't like and will never wear, that will remind you of your evil grandmother who you have hard feelings for - enjoy!"

I mean, who gives that gift?? 

Edited January 12, 2022 by ktgrok

[Danae]

6 hours ago, Kassia said:

I feel like the locket was given to me with the obligation to pass it down to her.  If I were to sell it without her knowledge/permission it would feel like I'm selling something that belongs to her.  Does that make sense?  

Nope!  As much as your mother and grandmother might have wanted to pretend they were royalty that jewelry is not entailed and you can do whatever you want with it.  Either sell it and enjoy the money or throw it in a lake somewhere and break the curse.

[Kassia]

20 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

By giving it to her, jewelry from a woman your DD did not like or respect or care for, you are then burdening her with the same issue you are now facing. Do you want to burden her with that same conundrum? Imagine writing a gift note that says, "here is a locket you won't like and will never wear, that will remind you of your evil grandmother who you have hard feelings for - enjoy!"

I mean, who gives that gift?? 

Dd has no feelings for my mother.  She never had any contact with her (my mother's choice).  My sons are much older and witnessed a lot that my mother did to me but dd didn't.  But certainly the locket would have no sentimental value for her other than that it belonged to generations of women in our family.  

 

[Clarita]

If it were me I would get it appraised, like someone willing to buy it appraised. Then take that information and ask your kids if they want it. Ultimately though it's up to you what you want to do with it. 

FWIW I am probably going to inherit jewelry from my grandma after my mom and her sisters pass away. The jeweler said " Oh this is pretty. They don't make things like this anymore. Yes it's real gold." When he gave us the price it wasn't really worth selling and spliting the money. (The price was that low.) So, all the girls (mom, aunts (including ones through marraige), me) decided we'll just keep it to use for future weddings. We are Chinese so there is some tradition of using family jewelry for weddings. There is no sentimental value other than the Chinese wedding tradition. 

 

[Tap]

I would sell the piece. It is obviously traumatizing to you, so why keep it around? I would probably take the money and put it away for something that can turn bad mojo into good. You will know the time and where to give the money when you hear of the opportunity.

I was once sitting at home and was mentally drawn to give money to a pastor friend of mine. I drove the money to him and just said "someone you have contact with needs this. I don't know who, but you will when the opportunity arises." Later that same day, he got a phone call and the money went to a good cause. It happened to be almost the exact amount they needed and was definitely enough to solve the struggle they were feeling. I never missed that money and the benefactor will always remember a timely gift that was bestowed on them. 🙂 All good mojo in my book !!!

 

[KungFuPanda]

8 hours ago, Kassia said:

I feel like the locket was given to me with the obligation to pass it down to her.  If I were to sell it without her knowledge/permission it would feel like I'm selling something that belongs to her.  Does that make sense?  

You've thought yourself into an imaginary prison.  It's not a real obligation.

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

You've thought yourself into an imaginary prison.  It's not a real obligation.

Thank you.  ❤️

 

[Catwoman]

Other than wondering if it’s fair to your sons for your dd to get the locket, is there any other reason why you wouldn’t want to give it to her? Like, are you worried that it might be bad luck or something?

I’m only asking because, while I know you have emotional issues surrounding the locket, your dd doesn’t have those same feelings, and she might appreciate the long history of the piece without any of the negative aspects, and she might think it was very cool to have something like that to pass down to her own child one day.

[katilac]

dupe

Edited January 13, 2022 by katilac

[katilac]

dupe dupe 

Edited January 13, 2022 by katilac

[katilac]

srsly, forums? 

Edited January 13, 2022 by katilac

[katilac]

sigh

Edited January 13, 2022 by katilac

[katilac]

14 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

 I do not think loving our kids equal means they all are the same. It’s totally okay to do differently with different children.  My boys have never cared one bit that the girls get this special thing from mom.  It’s not like I’ve never done anything ever for my boys. 

Because there are appraisal papers, I'm assuming the OP's jewelry is a higher level of expensive. More importantly, this is not a sweet tradition between mom and daughter, but a dead albatross around her neck, when she isn't even the one who shot it. 

11 hours ago, Kassia said:

One concern that I have is how everyone will feel about it if I sell it.  Like it's my obligation to pass it to dd and I'm somehow cheating her in some way if I sell it and we do something with the money that benefits everyone.  My sons know about it (although maybe they wouldn't even remember) but dd doesn't.  Not that I'm hiding it from anyone, it just seems so complicated. 
 

There is no obligation. Your sons maybe have some vague memory about a piece of jewelry that gets passed on in the family, but probably not. 

11 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

 I have three or four sets of lovely dishes from my grandmother. I plan on passing these as soon as my dds are ready for them. 

Why not your ds as well? Men eat, too 😅

4 hours ago, Danae said:

Nope!  As much as your mother and grandmother might have wanted to pretend they were royalty that jewelry is not entailed and you can do whatever you want with it.  Either sell it and enjoy the money or throw it in a lake somewhere and break the curse.

Right?? 

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

I’m only asking because, while I know you have emotional issues surrounding the locket, your dd doesn’t have those same feelings, and she might appreciate the long history of the piece without any of the negative aspects, and she might think it was very cool to have something like that to pass down to her own child one day.

The dd doesn't have any positive or sentimental feelings about it, either, so I think that evicting the piece from its rent-free living space in the OP's head wins. I would sell it, donate it, or burn it in the fire pit while doing interpretive dance. Also, imagine her daughter going on to have two or more daughters of her own, and now she gets to deal with it and post on the forums about what to do in 2045. 

It's just a piece of jewelry that someone went to the store and bought. OP, I'd sell it.  

Also, everyone with family wedding rings they intend to pass on: please make it clear that they aren't obligated to accept it. Maybe they have something different in mind. Maybe they just want something of their own. Or maybe, like me, they would never want their dh to look at them and be reminded of Grammy, lol.

[Catwoman]

23 minutes ago, katilac said:

Because there are appraisal papers, I'm assuming the OP's jewelry is a higher level of expensive. More importantly, this is not a sweet tradition between mom and daughter, but a dead albatross around her neck, when she isn't even the one who shot it. 

There is no obligation. Your sons maybe have some vague memory about a piece of jewelry that gets passed on in the family, but probably not. 

Why not your ds as well? Men eat, too 😅

Right?? 

The dd doesn't have any positive or sentimental feelings about it, either, so I think that evicting the piece from its rent-free living space in the OP's head wins. I would sell it, donate it, or burn it in the fire pit while doing interpretive dance. Also, imagine her daughter going on to have two or more daughters of her own, and now she gets to deal with it and post on the forums about what to do in 2045. 

It's just a piece of jewelry that someone went to the store and bought. OP, I'd sell it.  

Also, everyone with family wedding rings they intend to pass on: please make it clear that they aren't obligated to accept it. Maybe they have something different in mind. Maybe they just want something of their own. Or maybe, like me, they would never want their dh to look at them and be reminded of Grammy, lol.

In fairness, we don’t know how Kassia’s dd would feel about it, because apparently she doesn’t even know about it.

It doesn’t seem like there is any need to do anything right away, and because Kassia’s dd is still only 19, I would suggest that Kassia hold on to the locket and not make a quick decision that she might regret later. It’s not that often that a family has a keepsake that has been passed down through so many generations, and it doesn’t sound like Kassia needs the money from the sale, so I don’t see any need to rush. If her dd becomes more sentimental in the future, she might be very disappointed that she wasn’t even offered the locket.

[Hannah]

2 hours ago, katilac said:

 

Also, everyone with family wedding rings they intend to pass on: please make it clear that they aren't obligated to accept it. Maybe they have something different in mind. Maybe they just want something of their own. Or maybe, like me, they would never want their dh to look at them and be reminded of Grammy, lol.

I inherited my mother's engagement/wedding ring when she passed on when I was 18.  The nurse in the hospital just gave it to me saying, "this should go to the oldest daughter" and my father did not object.  He gave my sisters special gifts of similar value when they turned 18.    It has only just occurred to me that Dd might not want it!  The stone and gold have value, so she can have it altered should she want to.

 

[Kassia]

9 hours ago, Catwoman said:

Other than wondering if it’s fair to your sons for your dd to get the locket, is there any other reason why you wouldn’t want to give it to her? Like, are you worried that it might be bad luck or something?

I’m only asking because, while I know you have emotional issues surrounding the locket, your dd doesn’t have those same feelings, and she might appreciate the long history of the piece without any of the negative aspects, and she might think it was very cool to have something like that to pass down to her own child one day.

Good question.  Years ago, my first thought was always that the locket was jinxed/tainted in some way because my only mother/daughter experiences within the family were so bad (grandmother/mother and then my mother and myself).  But also that darn locket is a trigger for me emotionally as well because of the events that happened around it (long story and I can pm you sometime if you're interested, but it involved lawyers and I actually feared for my physical safety for a while).  I know it's just a thing but it brings up a lot of unpleasant emotions and memories.

You are right that dd doesn't have those feelings, though.  

Edited January 13, 2022 by Kassia

[freesia]

8 minutes ago, Kassia said:

Good question.  Years ago, my first thought was always that the locket was jinxed/tainted in some way because my only mother/daughter experiences within the family were so bad (grandmother/mother and then my mother and myself).  But also that darn locket is a trigger for me emotionally as well because of the events that happened around it (long story and I can pm you sometime if you're interested, but it involved lawyers and I actually feared for my physical safety for a while).  I know it's just a thing but it brings up a lot of unpleasant emotions and memories.

You are right that dd doesn't have those feelings, though.  

I have a beautiful pin that was my great grandmother’s. My mom and grandmother did not have a great relationship with her ( she was my grandfather’s mother.) I only met her as a newborn. Since I have no bad feelings associated with her, I see it as a lovely piece of jewelry that is tied to my family history. Your dd may feel the same. 
 

However, I also think it would be fine to sell it if that feels better to you. 

[fairfarmhand]

9 hours ago, katilac said:

 

Why not your ds as well? Men eat, too 😅

 

My ds has other things like guns and knives and things that he will end up with from grandparents. And no this is t a sexist tradition. It’s genuinely the things that my kids are interested in and gravitate toward. 
 

 

[EmilyGF]

If it was appraised a while back, it likely is worth a lot less now. That might relieve some stress. Also appraisals for replacement value for insurance and for sale value are shockingly different.

Everyone was shocked at how little many things were worth when my grandparents died. Their jewelry was out of fashion, and therefore only had value melted down. The custom-made French crystal, bought for $$$, only a few bucks per glass. (The mid-century modern teak furniture, however, was a different situation!)

If the amount it is worth is making decisions difficult, getting an estimated sale price might help.

Emily

[DreamerGirl]

OP, I have precious few heirlooms and all had to fit into a suitcase to ferry them across oceans. So I had to choose careful and what I chose gives me deep joy. My grandmother's spice box, a brass one which a pain to clean but reminds me everyday when I use it of her. My mom's favorite ladle, a rolling pin. A few copper vessels I do not use, just display. A little carved table which folds down and lived in my childhood home as long as I remember. Every single thing gives me fond memories and gives me joy each time I look or touch.

I also inherited quite a bit of my grandmother's jewelry as in my culture it is common to have. It is not my style. I could not bring it here and for years it sat in a bank locker with no one to use it. So I took her wedding chain (the equivalent of the wedding ring in our culture) which she wore everyday of her life and melted it to make a ring with her and my grandfather's birthstones. The rest I sold and with some of the money I bought a garden bench with their names on it for my backyard here and donated the rest to a cause they believed in. 

I am someone who deeply values family history because I think it is important to know who we are. But also strongly believe that things that do not bring joy should not be passed on regardless of their provenance. 

Every post I read of yours is filled with so much angst about this. It is not a happy thing, that is clear to see. I would not pass that to your daughter regardless of its provenance or value. No family artifact regardless of its value is worth it to me.

As many have suggested, appraise it and sell it. Buy something that makes you happy and pass it on to your daughter. It does not have to be jewelry. Make memories with your daughter with that thing. Make it something happy. 

Not all memories and things are happy, so we should not hold on to them because of family history. Life is too short for that.

 

[Starr]

Don't have her wear it around you, you will have a major anxiety attack. These object triggers don't change their connections easily. If you don't feel you should sell it then put it in a box for dd after you die. It doesn't have to be given to her now. I'm sorry this is so painful. In your shoes I would sell it.

[Carol in Cal.]

5 hours ago, Kassia said:

Good question.  Years ago, my first thought was always that the locket was jinxed/tainted in some way because my only mother/daughter experiences within the family were so bad (grandmother/mother and then my mother and myself).  But also that darn locket is a trigger for me emotionally as well because of the events that happened around it (long story and I can pm you sometime if you're interested, but it involved lawyers and I actually feared for my physical safety for a while).  I know it's just a thing but it brings up a lot of unpleasant emotions and memories.

You are right that dd doesn't have those feelings, though.  

It sounds like it would really hurt you to see her wearing it.

So if it were me I would box it up with the good part of the story (ie passed down from this to that to the other person) written up, and the appraisal with it, and stash it in your ‘to be opened in the event of my death’ box with “For DD” on the outside.  That way she will get it when you are gone, untainted by the bad parts of your memories.  

[lauraw4321]

On 1/12/2022 at 11:26 AM, Kassia said:

I feel like the locket was given to me with the obligation to pass it down to her.  If I were to sell it without her knowledge/permission it would feel like I'm selling something that belongs to her.  Does that make sense?  

Does the locket have historical value aside from monetary / personal family history? Like, was it worn at a historical event or by a historic figure? If it’s just family lore, I would tell her about it and let her decide when she’s, say, 22. And then stick with whatever that decision is. 
 

But that’s just me. It’s yours. You could set it on fire and you aren’t taking something that’s “rightfully” hers. It was given to you. There’s a reason we have a rule against perpetuities. 

[lauraw4321]

19 hours ago, ktgrok said:

By giving it to her, jewelry from a woman your DD did not like or respect or care for, you are then burdening her with the same issue you are now facing. Do you want to burden her with that same conundrum? Imagine writing a gift note that says, "here is a locket you won't like and will never wear, that will remind you of your evil grandmother who you have hard feelings for - enjoy!"

I mean, who gives that gift?? 

This is why I asked about historical precedent. Maybe there’s another story that can be tied to it. Or you could focus on the story of the originator who is so long dead we can all just assume was a lovely person?

[Kassia]

15 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said:

Does the locket have historical value aside from monetary / personal family history? Like, was it worn at a historical event or by a historic figure? 

I doubt it.  I think it was just a simple mother to daughter gift over generations.