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A good friend just died

Xahm

By Xahm,
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Xahm

Xahm

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This is going to be rambling and mostly pointless, but I need to write out some thoughts.

One of my good friends from college just passed away this week after a hard fight with cancer. We were close in college, went on road trips together, worked and lived together over the summers, and were in each other's weddings. Once we had kids, the three and a half hour drive between our homes kept us from seeing each other very often, but before Covid we saw each other once or twice a year. She leaves behind a husband and two young kids. I can't talk about this with my kids right now, I just can't. They just lost a great grandfather and visited another great grandfather for the presumably last time. They've been torn up by that death and imminent death, but those have been old people, so they still feel safe about me and their father. My husband is in the military, and when he deployed a couple years ago, the oldest was six. They didn't realize until very recently he'd actually gone to war. Sometime they are going to put things together  and realize that sometimes parents die and he's at a higher risk of it, but I don't need that now. Also, he's away for military training right now, so I can't talk to him after they are in bed or anything. I can't call anyone without them overhearing. 

Her funeral is Saturday, and I can't see how I can go. I probably could get someone to watch the kids alright, but I don't think I will be in an emotional place that will be safe for me to drive 7 hours. Prior commitments, plus the having kids thing, means I can't get a hotel in the area and spend the night. She has a wonderful, warm, extended family that she lived very near to. Her husband and kids are being wrapped in their love now. I'd like to go to be near other people who are also mourning her, but I think I'll have to mourn from afar and try to find a way to not do it alone.

Life just really isn't fair sometime. She had a long life she should still be living, but it ended. 

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Alicia64

Alicia64

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((((Xahm))))

I agree w/ you. A seven hour drive when you're emotional is not a good idea.

I'm so sorry. We had two young moms die in our family. It was so sad. They both left seven little kids.

Let yourself cry. It won't go on and on (even though it feels like it will). After, you'll feel some peace.

I hope you'll keep posting to let us know how you're doing.

I'll be thinking of you.

 

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Xahm

Xahm

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7 minutes ago, hellen said:

Is your husband active duty?  If yes, reach out to the spouses.  Somebody will be willing to help.  Military takes care of each other.  You can PM me your location and I can see what I can do.

No, he's Guard. There aren't really spouses near me, and I don't know any because his drill location is 3 hours from our house, so I've never visited. On the plus side, being Guard means that we are near family. My particular extended family is wonderful at being physically supportive and terrible at emotional support, so they would babysit if I went, but I can't really mourn with them well.

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cintinative

cintinative

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I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying for you to find a safe space to grieve. It would be a great blessing if you could write her family a letter about what you loved about her including some precious memories that make you smile.  It would be something they could get out and read when they miss her as you do.  Hugs.

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PeterPan

PeterPan

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13 hours ago, Xahm said:

Her funeral is Saturday, and I can't see how I can go. I probably could get someone to watch the kids alright, but I don't think I will be in an emotional place that will be safe for me to drive 7 hours.

I just had a funeral I needed to go to that was 8 hours away, not something I'm comfortable driving on my own. (I've done it, I hate it, would much rather fly.) I took a friend (actually ended up two) with me. I would encourage you to go, even though it's complicated to make happen. The fact that it's complicated to make happen will mean a lot to the family and it will give you space and place to grieve, get closure. 

I've missed two important funerals, one I couldn't possibly go to (I had pneumonia) and the other that would have been hard and I didn't make that herculean effort to go to. Both I regretted for a long time, the pneumonia one less obviously. It was very hard to be home in bed realizing I really really couldn't go. 

It's hard when we get to this stage where we're losing people. Kids are resilient. If one is old enough to stay in a hotel, maybe take one with you for the company on the drive. I find when I drive I need to stop basically every hour or 1 ½ hours to keep feeling good. You can make it fun, picking out places to eat (donuts, cute sandwich shop, whatever) or an activity (caves, a scenic view, etc.) half way to give you a break. 

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Xahm

Xahm

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1 hour ago, PeterPan said:

I just had a funeral I needed to go to that was 8 hours away, not something I'm comfortable driving on my own. (I've done it, I hate it, would much rather fly.) I took a friend (actually ended up two) with me. I would encourage you to go, even though it's complicated to make happen. The fact that it's complicated to make happen will mean a lot to the family and it will give you space and place to grieve, get closure. 

I've missed two important funerals, one I couldn't possibly go to (I had pneumonia) and the other that would have been hard and I didn't make that herculean effort to go to. Both I regretted for a long time, the pneumonia one less obviously. It was very hard to be home in bed realizing I really really couldn't go. 

It's hard when we get to this stage where we're losing people. Kids are resilient. If one is old enough to stay in a hotel, maybe take one with you for the company on the drive. I find when I drive I need to stop basically every hour or 1 ½ hours to keep feeling good. You can make it fun, picking out places to eat (donuts, cute sandwich shop, whatever) or an activity (caves, a scenic view, etc.) half way to give you a break. 

Thankfully I have worked it out. My mom is going to stay with the kids while I drive halfway and then meet up with another old friend to go the rest of the way together. I'll get to go to the funeral, and this friend and I will have plenty of time to share stories with each other. 

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Kassia

Kassia

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26 minutes ago, Xahm said:

Thankfully I have worked it out. My mom is going to stay with the kids while I drive halfway and then meet up with another old friend to go the rest of the way together. I'll get to go to the funeral, and this friend and I will have plenty of time to share stories with each other. 

I'm so glad it worked out and that you'll have someone to travel and talk with for part of the trip.

My best friend died suddenly and unexpectedly 12 years ago.  I went to the viewing but couldn't go to the funeral due to other family obligations (a cousin's first communion) and I've always regretted it.  I feel like going would have given me some closure and I really wanted to be there.  I wouldn't have been missed at the family event - it was in-laws and plenty of people there.  

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. 

 

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PeterPan

PeterPan

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1 hour ago, Xahm said:

Thankfully I have worked it out. My mom is going to stay with the kids while I drive halfway and then meet up with another old friend to go the rest of the way together. I'll get to go to the funeral, and this friend and I will have plenty of time to share stories with each other. 

Oh I'm so glad!!! It will be healing and good.

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Xahm

Xahm

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I just got back from the funeral. Thanks to all who prayed for me and encouraged me to find a way to go. I still haven't fully processed everything, but it was good to go and norm with others. Memories of our time together keep flooding back to me, and I had to block them out while driving. I drove through areas with not much radio that I wanted to hear, so I had to use SOTW 4, which is our current family listen, to distract myself.  

Her little kids look so much like her. I wish I lived close enough to be a real part of their lives, but I'm so grateful they live on what my friend called "the compound," a street full of their extended family. They have their dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins to hold them tight. They moved back there before she got sick, and it was amazingly prescient, providential, or what have you.

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