Conversations with Strangers - Do You Say "We" or "I"?

[easypeasy]

This isn't a JAWM or anything, but please be nice. 😇 It's been a heckuva week around here. 🥴

Also - DO NOT QUOTE, PLEASE!! 🙂 THANK YOU!!!! ♥

 

I had an interesting realization this past week. I had to travel by plane (not fun) round-trip. On those flights, people were quite chatty (very different from the last time I flew - but many of those I was flying with had already had both doses of the vaccine, so I guess that contributed to the more relaxed atmosphere?).

Anywho. I haven't chit-chatted with many people in the last year. Obviously. And this time, I *heard* myself, if that makes sense?

We'd talk about pets. They would say "my dog," I said "our dog."

"my neighborhood" vs "our neighborhood"

"I like to go out to the mountains and hike with my family." vs "we love to travel and my daughter is planning her next backpacking trip right now"

ALL of their conversations and replies were about "me, myself, and I" while MY responses were automatically "us, ourselves, and we!"

WHEN THE HECK DID THAT HAPPEN? Why was it weird for me to say "my dog," when one of our family dogs (the one I was talking about at the time) is CLEARLY MY DOG. He is my shadow! Why was he "our dog" and to say "my dog" felt like a weird betrayal to my family? It's not like they were there listening!

Why, when a guy was talking to me about a movie series, I said "Oh yeah, we all loved those movies!" Why did this guy need to know that my ENTIRE FAMILY loved this movie when he was just talking to ME? Why isn't my natural inclination to respond with a singular, personal reply?

Did this evolve over the motherhood years?!? Can I stop it?

I also told more anecdotal stories about my husband and kids than about myself - even when I had an applicable story to share during the conversation. sheesh!

I started listening to my husband when we were out a couple of times since I have returned. His responses were about 50/50, but definitely more "me" inclined. Even many of his "we" responses were more "mememe - and oh yeah, our kids loved river rafting too" or something along that vein.

When did I turn into a "WE" instead of a "ME?"

Mainly, I'm wondering - does anyone else do this? Surely, I can't be the only one?

It's just weird how I didn't notice it until I'd taken a year off from chatting to random people. Maybe it's normal? I don't even know. I'm realizing how strange and new conversation is going to feel once the world opens up again!

Edited March 19, 2021 by easypeasy

[Jean in Newcastle]

I tend to say "me" or "we" depending on the circumstances.  If it's a stranger who doesn't know my family then it's "I" for the most part.  If it's to someone who knows my husband and family then I say "we". 

 

BTW - my interaction and chatting level has not changed with the pandemic.  I use the phone a lot.  Or we walk/ talk outside.  Or while masked while doing business. 

[Shoeless]

If it's a male stranger, I lean toward we/us/our, to indicate I am not single.  

[Arcadia]

It depends on context. If it is just general chit chat with strangers, I tend to use “we” and “our” because it is less personal. If it is specific topics like my education and work experience, then I would use “I” and “my”.

[easypeasy]

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I tend to say "me" or "we" depending on the circumstances.  If it's a stranger who doesn't know my family then it's "I" for the most part.  If it's to someone who knows my husband and family then I say "we". 

BTW - my interaction and chatting level has not changed with the pandemic.  I use the phone a lot.  Or we walk/ talk outside.  Or while masked while doing business. 

The bolded is what I have always THOUGHT I did. In my head. lol But, in real time, it's not at all what comes out of my mouth, apparently! hahaha!

THIS introvert has been a happy little hermit - avoiding any and all social situations with relish - I finally had a GENUINE excuse to stay home! There are about five people (nonrelated) who I'm longing to hang out with again after this is over. The rest? eh... This experience has been quite the crucible for me and my social priorities! 🙂

Now, my outgoing and more socially well-adjusted husband and offspring have spent time like you - socializing when safely possible with other humans during this time. 🙂

[Ausmumof3]

Yeah I think I do talk in terms of we or what my family thinks often.  Probably part of not having much along time I guess.

[Katy]

I also vary this to emphasize family & kids if I feel unsure if their interest is friendly vs. flirtation.  Or if I feel unsafe. Did talking feel unsafe to you because of the last year?

[Wheres Toto]

If I'm thinking about it correctly, I say "we" or "our" when it applies to the whole family, "me" or "I" if it's something that just applies to me, and "the kids" or "my husband" if it's something that applies to them.   

we live on a dead end street, our house is on a river, we have a dog (he's more dh's dog than mine), etc.  I really love to read, etc.

I think it would be weird to say something like "I used to go camping a lot" when we always went as a family, we went to Disney about 6 years ago.

This seems to apply whether someone knows all of us or just me, or if they are random people (although I don't really talk to random people very much and didn't even before the past year).  

[Scarlett]

Interesting. Unrelated to the pandemic, I have deliberately worked to use more we pronouns since I married Dh 10 years ago.  I was apparently in the habit of saying I, my, mine too much.  I received counsel that was not healthy to my marriage. I don’t think that is what you are talking about here though.  
 

I know when I was young I often talked about my husband to strangers.  It was a safety thing.  

 

[Garga]

I think I switch back and forth.

This has actually been a point of contention from time to time over the years with my dh. Sometimes I’ll refer to something as “I” or “mine” and he’ll feel I’m excluding him.

Like I’ll say, “My son...” and he’ll later say, “You know, he’s “our” son...” 

I personally think my dh is being weirdly sensitive about it, but I can also see his point.

Because of my own experience above, I’m not sure saying “I” or “we” either way is right or wrong. It sounds to me like maybe you’re wondering if your identity is too wrapped up in others right now. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. It’s always a good thing to step back and assess your life and be more intentional about it, if need be. 

Using “we” vs “I” could be a sign that you need to change things up because you only identify with a group and have neglected yourself as an individual. Or it could just mean that you have a beautiful gift of being part of a group of people that you do life with.

Only you can know. 🙂

Edited March 19, 2021 by Garga

[regentrude]

Depends on the situation. When I  talk about hiking/climbing/travel,  I use "we" because DH and I are doing all these things together, but If I talk about my creative pursuits, it's  I because I'm the one doing it.

When I talk about work, there are general "we" things and specific "I" things. If I talk about the kids, it's  "our" if I talk to folks who are friends with dh and me, and "my" if it's my friends. 

I have never felt the need to deliberately emphasize that I am not single. People don't have a habit of hitting on me. Or perhaps I have been too oblivious to notice.  

Edited March 19, 2021 by regentrude

[Momto6inIN]

In my younger skinnier days I sometimes said "we" just to discourage male attention, especially since my religion doesn't wear wedding rings.

But usually I say "we" because I rarely have something to talk about that belongs only to me. Our love of The Lord of the Rings movies is something we share. Our hiking trips and vacations are shared. Even our homeschooling is a shared experience. The things that do belong only to me are the books I read, the scrapbooks I make (of "our" memories), the piano lessons I give myself, my Spanish learning attempts, and my chores.

I would never say "we" changed the oil on the van because I have nothing to do with that, so I would also never say "we" did the laundry because DH has nothing to do with that.

But most of life is a shared experience so I see nothing weird about that.

Edited March 19, 2021 by Momto6inIN

[MEmama]

I’ve recently become more aware of doing this as well.  I am extremely bothered by it, like I’m erasing myself. Thanks for the reminder that I can do better.

For myself, I suppose it’s a by product of concentrating so much on family for the past 18 years, and on DH for 10 years before that. While I haven’t lost myself as fully as some other women do, I am starting to concentrate more on me as an individual vs just a mom or someone else’s wife. It’s a healthy process, and I think common for women my age as kids move out and we have the time and space to return to ourselves, to our own wants and needs and awareness of who we are in this new season. 

Edited March 19, 2021 by MEmama

[marbel]

I think I tend to say 'we' more than 'I.'  Not sure why, I certainly have never felt that a random stranger needed to know that I have a husband/family. 

I guess it's because most of what I'd be talking to random strangers about would be things I've done with my family.  If people ever talked about books, I would use 'I' unless it was something I read aloud to the kids.  But I guess when traveling most people are talking about other travels? So for the last 25+ years all my traveling has been 'we' experiences.  🙂

[TheReader]

6 hours ago, MissLemon said:

If it's a male stranger, I lean toward we/us/our, to indicate I am not single.  

Exactly this. 

 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Garga said:

I think I switch back and forth.

This has actually been a point of contention from time to time over the years with my dh. Sometimes I’ll refer to something as “I” or “mine” and he’ll feel I’m excluding him.

Like I’ll say, “My son...” and he’ll later say, “You know, he’s “our” son...” 

I personally think my dh is being weirdly sensitive about it, but I can also see his point.

 

This is the situation that I was referring to above.  I have tried to consider his point of view and I do notice that I say 'mine' a lot.  "MY bedroom.  MY Bed."  Sometimes though it is weird....like if I am talking to dss and want to tell him something, 'The new sheets on my bed are great!'  It would just be weird to say ' the new sheets on OUR bed are great'.  That might be an extreme example, but seriously it is like when I say 'I' or 'my' I am saying, mine as opposed to not yours.  

 

[kokotg]

I'm sort of hyper aware of this, because I have two blogs, one about my house and one about travel. oh, look--I just did it--I said "my house"! So, yeah, when I'm talking about travel I've noticed I pretty much always say "we" but with the house I go back and forth--and it does tend to depend on how much DH was involved with whatever I'm talking about. Like I'll say "I decided on this paint color" but sometimes I'll second guess it and change it to "we" because I don't want it to sound like he doesn't have any input (he, umm, COULD have input if he wanted it. He likes all paint colors the same, though). But then I've also noticed that I automatically say "we" sometimes for things that are pretty much all him: "WE built this bench..." So, while I'm hyper aware of it, I don't have a clear pattern. I say we more than I, probably, overall... 

[Scarlett]

22 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

This is the situation that I was referring to above.  I have tried to consider his point of view and I do notice that I say 'mine' a lot.  "MY bedroom.  MY Bed."  Sometimes though it is weird....like if I am talking to dss and want to tell him something, 'The new sheets on my bed are great!'  It would just be weird to say ' the new sheets on OUR bed are great'.  That might be an extreme example, but seriously it is like when I say 'I' or 'my' I am saying, mine as opposed to not yours.  

 

Quoting myself to add that I have told dh in such situations, 'would it be better if I said, 'the sheets on the  bed in which your father and I sleep are great!' LOL

[SKL]

I think I tend toward "we/our" if that makes any sense in context.  I mean, I wouldn't say "we don't like lentils" but I'd say "our freezer is jammed full."

The other day I had to edit a post where I said "our kids."  I am a single parent.  LOL!

When I used to travel alone, I was single and childless, so I assume I would have used "I/we" somewhat more often ... though I've never lived alone, so maybe not ....  But, that could be one reason why you hear more "I" at the airport - maybe there is a higher % of single / childless people at airports vs. in the general population?

 

[Murphy101]

I say I/my/mine mostly outside the house. Partly bc I don’t tend to advertise my large family to strangers. I don’t want hear about their vasectomies and how much they hate their kids and wouldn’t ever want more stories.

I call our room/bed both mine and ours.  There’s plenty of walking advertisement that it is Dh’s bed too.

Dh and I also speak in what we call the Royal We when referring to us or the family.  “We need to mow the yard this weekend.” No one misunderstands that this means the kids who have this chore are the ones mowing.  It’s a royal we declaration. We need coffee. (Though I’m the only coffee drinker.)

[HS Mom in NC]

I use them interchangeably and consider it a non-issue.  

[hippymamato3]

I tend to say I/my more than we/our unless DH or my kids are right there with me.

[J-rap]

I just say whatever comes out of my mouth -- which sometimes is I and sometimes is we.  I don't think too much about it.

[TravelingChris]

39 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

Dh and I also speak in what we call the Royal We when referring to us or the family.  “We need to mow the yard this weekend.” No one misunderstands that this means the kids who have this chore are the ones mowing.  It’s a royal we declaration. We need coffee. (Though I’m the only coffee drinker.)

Dh has been getting annoyed this week because I keep saying we when it will be him doing something.  I guess I do use the Royal We all the time. 

But when I had a dog (multiple times) it was my dog because it was my dog, I was completely responsible for it.

[Junie]

I'm not sure which I use more.  Maybe I should start paying attention (or not).

Dh sometimes uses "we" while telling about something the past, but he doesn't clarify who "we" is.  I usually interrupt and ask him who "we" refers to so that the kids don't get confused and think that it was something that I did, too.

Ex.  "When we went to Scotland on a business trip..."  No, I didn't go along.  It's clear to him, but it isn't always clear to the kids or whoever else he might be talking to.  Also, I was an English teacher and I require pronoun antecedents to be made clear.  :)

 

We ( My husband and I 😉 ) have some friends who are identical twin brothers.  (They are more my husband's friends than mine, so I don't refer to them as my friends...)  Anyway, they have really strange I/we pronoun usage.  They do nearly everything together, so the use of "we" is usually appropriate.  But sometimes one of them will say "I" and I ask if the other twin did whatever, too.  "Of course."  So confusing!!

[hippymamato3]

4 hours ago, TravelingChris said:

Dh has been getting annoyed this week because I keep saying we when it will be him doing something.  I guess I do use the Royal We all the time. 

But when I had a dog (multiple times) it was my dog because it was my dog, I was completely responsible for it.

Oh I definitely say "we need to take out the garbage" or whatever when it's definitely DH doing it. I hope it makes him feel he's not alone. LOL!

[MercyA]

Oh, thank goodness. I say "we" all the time and I thought I was just weird. Glad to know other people do it, too. 😉 

[SoCal_Bear]

Just wondering aloud whether or not the fact that this community is populated by homeschoolers that perhaps our/we is natural because you naturally prioritize that as part of your identity. I speculate that we might spend a lot more time as "we" than the average person spends more time functioning purely as individuals. To be honest, just "me" time is pretty low in my world.

 

Edited March 19, 2021 by calbear

[KungFuPanda]

I try really hard not to do this.  I think it makes me sound like I'm borg and lack my own personality.  I don't like feeling like I can't have a conversation without mentioning my immediate family, so I do make an effort not to defer to them all the time.  Yes, they're going to come up, but they shouldn't be in EVERY conversation; especially if I managed to break free from the orbit of my house. 

[katilac]

I'm an "I/me" person for the most part, I generally talk about my house, my neighborhood, my pets, what movies I do or don't like, and so on. 

If the conversation hits a topic that is one of our family 'things' then I'm probably including them in the answer. When someone asks about Disney World, they're going to get a "we" answer. 

[Guest]

I mostly refrain from using “we/our” unless the context of the conversation is already about families. Like, say we were talking and the person said, “Friday nights are take-out night; my kids and I all rotate where we get takeout.” Then I might say, “We have pizza every Friday night; we have a pizza oven and make it at home.” 

But if the person I’m speaking with says, “I have a Greyhound now, but before him I had a Border Collie,” then, I would probably said, “I love Border Collies; actually I like most herding dogs because they are very trainable. I used to have a Sheltie mix...” 

I intentionally avoid being “that lady who can’t shut up about her kids,” so I don’t lead with discussions of kids. I only bring kids up if we’re already talking about kids. I have a relative who used to alienate everybody with her constant prattling about her kids sports, their schedules, their 4H animals, their haircuts, their schoolwork...literally, people in the community would talk about her because most people found it super obnoxious. So I stridently avoid doing that. 

[Guest]

By the way, it’s a tangent, but I dislike it when dh says “we” to mean something he bloody well knows *I* will do; he means for me to do it. I guess he just likes to feel like he has a part in it. So he’ll say, “We need to clean out the henhouse...” Oh you just hush! You darn well know only *I* ever clean out the henhouse! 

[Tap]

51 minutes ago, Quill said:

By the way, it’s a tangent, but I dislike it when dh says “we” to mean something he bloody well knows *I* will do; he means for me to do it. I guess he just likes to feel like he has a part in it. So he’ll say, “We need to clean out the henhouse...” Oh you just hush! You darn well know only *I* ever clean out the henhouse! 

Dh used to drive me nuts with this!!! He would say "we planted xzy in the yard".....ummmm, no. He sat on his butt and watched tv and I was the one planning and planting that! I hated how he would for one, make it sound like he did any of the work. And two, that we actually did something ++together++. He never wanted to do a yard project with me. *He did his thing. *I did mine. *We did not do anything. 

[katilac]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

By the way, it’s a tangent, but I dislike it when dh says “we” to mean something he bloody well knows *I* will do; he means for me to do it. I guess he just likes to feel like he has a part in it. So he’ll say, “We need to clean out the henhouse...” Oh you just hush! You darn well know only *I* ever clean out the henhouse! 

Change that conversation! 

"We need to clean out the henhouse." 

"Okay, how about tomorrow afternoon? We can probably finish in two hours." 

[HS Mom in NC]

10 hours ago, Quill said:

By the way, it’s a tangent, but I dislike it when dh says “we” to mean something he bloody well knows *I* will do; he means for me to do it. I guess he just likes to feel like he has a part in it. So he’ll say, “We need to clean out the henhouse...” Oh you just hush! You darn well know only *I* ever clean out the henhouse! 

I put an and to that very quickly in my marriage.  When he said, "We need to/should/did etc." and he obviously meant me, I'd just ask straight out, "Do you really mean we or do you mean me?"  He didn't do it for every long.  He hasn't done it since.  Problem solved.

[Guest]

35 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I put an and to that very quickly in my marriage.  When he said, "We need to/should/did etc." and he obviously meant me, I'd just ask straight out, "Do you really mean we or do you mean me?"  He didn't do it for every long.  He hasn't done it since.  Problem solved.

I actually do say that sometimes, or I say, “Who is this ‘we’ you’re talking about?”