Did I do the right thing?

[stephanier.1765]

I don't know if this is a just agree with me or not. All I know is I feel rotten about it and I can't stop obsessing over whether or not it was the right thing to do.

My DIL texted me the other night asking me to be a reference for a dog rescue group. It was too late to ask dh's advice on it but I asked her a couple of questions without giving a yes or no until I could bounce it off him first. The next day dh and I talked it over and we both agreed that the right thing to do was to say no. I then texted my son and asked if he was sure they should get another dog and he simply replied with a no. I asked if I should give a reference and he again replied with a no. So I called my DIL and told I had decided not to do it. That was such a hard call! My DIL has suffered with severe postpartum depression and her therapist recommended for her to get a dog and because of this I feel horrible about saying no. And to top it off, her family's dog (the one she grew up with) died yesterday. Below are the reasons why we decided the way we did but it boiled down to - pets are not disposable.

One: she asked me to lie about their previous animals as she had told the group they had none previously.

Two: she told me they had given the dog they had just adopted (less than a month) to another family. I didn't ask why as that seemed too long a conversation for late night texting. (Later after the decision was made I was given conflicting stories about why the dog was returned to the rescue. I don't know which was true. Maybe, in the end, all was true but I think training and patience could have fixed any of it.) (Another aside - her family was against her getting this dog)

Three: they had recently given the dog before the newest one to a vet who wanted an "office dog" because it peed and pooped on the floor. This was after already trying to give it to her parents but that didn't work out.

Four: I've forgotten the circumstances but they had adopted 2 other dogs in previous years but were either returned or passed on to other families.

Five and finally: they had adopted 2 rabbits in August and in a matter of weeks they were also given to another family.

Sometimes I feel like I did the right thing instead of doing the easy thing but most of the time I just feel like an ass. I had visited them not long ago and I felt she and I had really cemented our relationship during that time and now I worry I have damaged that. Ugh! 

[HomeAgain]

Does her therapist know about the animals she's given away?  I would think she would have said "no dog, let's find something else" to help her through her depression if so.

You did the right thing.  There is no question about it.

[JustEm]

Yes, you did the right thing.  And hopefully you saved a dog from the stress of entering a new home just to be abandoned again a few months later.

There are obviously plenty of legimate reasons to re-home a pet but the number of times that family has had to is not an issue with the animal. It is that they aren't responsible enough to be pet owners.

[ScoutTN]

You did the right thing.

[Scarlett]

You did the right thing but of course you feel bad!  It is a tough situation she put you in. 

[Selkie]

Yes, you absolutely did the right thing. Sorry she put you in such a tough spot.🙁 It was so wrong of her to ask you to lie about her previous animals.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You did the right thing.  Your son is her husband, right?  I don't believe that any animals should come into a home unless both adults are firmly on board with it. 

[stephanier.1765]

6 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

You did the right thing.  Your son is her husband, right?  I don't believe that any animals should come into a home unless both adults are firmly on board with it. 

Yes he is and I absolutely agree with you. When he replied that way he cinched my decision. I lost my dog last New Year's Eve and I would love to have another but dh is firmly opposed to it because he wants the freedom to travel so we are no dog right now.

Thanks all for your support. I think this is something I really needed because the guilt has been weighing me down. Maybe I just needed to talk about it. It's strange how something like this can weigh so heavily. 

[SKL]

Wow.  With that history, you would have felt even more guilty saying yes.

Nobody should ever ask another person to lie for them.

My kids and I would love a dog, but I have really high standards for being able to care for one, and we aren't there.  We have no history of giving away or mistreating an animal, I just know we don't have time to give an intelligent, active animal what it needs.  So I am on your side - a family shouldn't get a dog if they aren't definitely all in, and your DIL doesn't seem to be there.

Edited September 24, 2019 by SKL

[Selkie]

That is a lot of animals to have adopted and gotten rid of in a fairly short time period. I would be concerned that there is some other mental issue going on, beyond the postpartum depression. 

[Heatherwith4]

Yes you did the right thing. 

[MercyA]

You 100% did the right thing. No question. Hugs.

[Kassia]

Yes, you did the right thing but that is a tough position to be put into.  I'd be upset about it even though I knew it was right.  

[forty-two]

54 minutes ago, Selkie said:

That is a lot of animals to have adopted and gotten rid of in a fairly short time period. I would be concerned that there is some other mental issue going on, beyond the postpartum depression. 

FWIW, ime serious depression itself is more than sufficient to make someone unable/unwilling to work through animal ownership issues.  Once dh and I were out of school and had a more permanent home, we got a dog, as we'd planned to do, because dh is a huge dog person and always lived with dogs.  I was pretty much non-functional with depression, and that plus a new dog was a really horrible combination.  Even though dh was 100% in charge of dog care and dog training, I was still the person home with the dog and so needed to be able to do at least some minimal dog care - but I couldn't.  (We muddled through somehow, but it was a lot of work on dh's part.)  Now, I was utterly not a dog person - presumably unlike your DIL - but even if I was a dog person, I would have been in no shape to be primary on dog care.  At one point when I was depressed, before dh and I married, I desperately wanted a cat - I was lonely (dh was at school out of state and I had no roommate) and wanted the companionship so badly.  The only reason I didn't was that I was in the dorms and animals weren't allowed, and I wasn't quite willing to sneak one in.  But in retrospect, knowing how badly non-primary dog care went while depressed, a cat would have been a disaster - there is no way I would have been able to manage caring for one, as depressed as I was.

[Selkie]

8 minutes ago, forty-two said:

FWIW, ime serious depression itself is more than sufficient to make someone unable/unwilling to work through animal ownership issues.  Once dh and I were out of school and had a more permanent home, we got a dog, as we'd planned to do, because dh is a huge dog person and always lived with dogs.  I was pretty much non-functional with depression, and that plus a new dog was a really horrible combination.  Even though dh was 100% in charge of dog care and dog training, I was still the person home with the dog and so needed to be able to do at least some minimal dog care - but I couldn't.  (We muddled through somehow, but it was a lot of work on dh's part.)  Now, I was utterly not a dog person - presumably unlike your DIL - but even if I was a dog person, I would have been in no shape to be primary on dog care.  At one point when I was depressed, before dh and I married, I desperately wanted a cat - I was lonely (dh was at school out of state and I had no roommate) and wanted the companionship so badly.  The only reason I didn't was that I was in the dorms and animals weren't allowed, and I wasn't quite willing to sneak one in.  But in retrospect, knowing how badly non-primary dog care went while depressed, a cat would have been a disaster - there is no way I would have been able to manage caring for one, as depressed as I was.

I can totally see that, but this goes beyond that. She has a pattern of getting animals (six, if I’m counting right, and now wants a seventh) and then getting rid of them. Sounds like some type of compulsive behavior to me.

[May]

Yes, you did the right time, let go of the guilt🌺

[Garga]

Another one chiming in that you did the right thing.  99 to 1, she’d have gotten rid of that dog, too, and that’s just such a sad thing to do to a living animal—especially a dog that will attach to the family.  

[Corraleno]

You absolutely did the right thing — and I think it's really bizarre that she would ask you to blatantly lie on a reference form so that she could get a dog that your own son doesn't want! 

[BusyMom5]

Yes, you did the right thing.  I question the therapist telling a PPD overwhelmed mom to ADD A DOG to her already overwhelming responsibilities.  Do you know for sure he suggested it?  

[kbutton]

4 hours ago, stephanier.1765 said:

I don't know if this is a just agree with me or not. All I know is I feel rotten about it and I can't stop obsessing over whether or not it was the right thing to do.

dh and I talked it over and we both agreed that the right thing to do was to say no.

I then texted my son and asked if he was sure they should get another dog and he simply replied with a no. 

I asked if I should give a reference and he again replied with a no.

My DIL has suffered with severe postpartum depression and her therapist recommended for her to get a dog and because of this I feel horrible about saying no.

I had visited them not long ago and I felt she and I had really cemented our relationship during that time and now I worry I have damaged that. Ugh! 

If there is any damage to the relationship, it's not because you damaged it. 

 

[Bluegoat]

No, getting the dog would have been a bad thing.  I think it was a really weird thing for the therapist to suggest even if he didn't know about the other animals.

[stephanier.1765]

13 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

Yes, you did the right thing.  I question the therapist telling a PPD overwhelmed mom to ADD A DOG to her already overwhelming responsibilities.  Do you know for sure he suggested it?  

Not for sure, no, but it was through her therapist that she found the latest dog they adopted. It was a retired therapy dog and the therapist (I believe) acted as the reference in this case. My heart breaks for that dog. It was retired because she and her owner were hit by a car. In a few short months, she had been injured, lost a leg, lost her owner, recovered at a rescue, carted across the country and then sent to a new home. I was there when the dog arrived and she was so sad. For days, her tail was always down. Not long before I left she was was finally starting to come out of her shell and show her real personality. What a sweetheart of a dog. I think the real reason behind them sending the dog back is she was just too big for their home. They have a small home and the dog was a Great Pyrenees. It was like have another adult living in this tiny house but this was something that should have been foreseen. That poor dog. 😥

Slight update: They already have another dog picked out but are holding off a few months before bringing it home. Sounds like a puppy this time and it looks like they are setting it up for me to bring it to them when I fly there in November. At least it seems to be one of the options they are toying with. I'm not absolutely sure though since I only have a few text messages to go on and the fact the dog is now presently living not far from me. If so, I'm not sure what do do about it. I'm not an experienced flyer and since I'm both flying and taking a bus to get there it seems like a lot with a dog I'm not familiar with. With any luck I'm worrying for nothing.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I am assuming that they have a new baby in the mix if she is dealing with postpartum depression?  I had a puppy and a six month old and it almost broke me.  And I wasn't dealing with depression on top of it.  Now, granted, my puppy was a Springer and they aren't called Springers for nothing.  I hope this works out for them and the dog. 

[JustEm]

23 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

Not for sure, no, but it was through her therapist that she found the latest dog they adopted. It was a retired therapy dog and the therapist (I believe) acted as the reference in this case. My heart breaks for that dog. It was retired because she and her owner were hit by a car. In a few short months, she had been injured, lost a leg, lost her owner, recovered at a rescue, carted across the country and then sent to a new home. I was there when the dog arrived and she was so sad. For days, her tail was always down. Not long before I left she was was finally starting to come out of her shell and show her real personality. What a sweetheart of a dog. I think the real reason behind them sending the dog back is she was just too big for their home. They have a small home and the dog was a Great Pyrenees. It was like have another adult living in this tiny house but this was something that should have been foreseen. That poor dog. 😥

Slight update: They already have another dog picked out but are holding off a few months before bringing it home. Sounds like a puppy this time and it looks like they are setting it up for me to bring it to them when I fly there in November. At least it seems to be one of the options they are toying with. I'm not absolutely sure though since I only have a few text messages to go on and the fact the dog is now presently living not far from me. If so, I'm not sure what do do about it. I'm not an experienced flyer and since I'm both flying and taking a bus to get there it seems like a lot with a dog I'm not familiar with. With any luck I'm worrying for nothing.

I would tell them right now that you are not going to help transport the dog to them. 

[kbutton]

30 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

Sounds like a puppy this time and it looks like they are setting it up for me to bring it to them when I fly there in November.

Are they asking you or assuming you'll bring it? I think you need to say something sooner than later. Wow.

[Bluegoat]

So, I have had a puppy and a new baby.  Not entirely on purpose.  I would not recommend it, especially to someone with PPD.  It was awful for me and I don't think great for the dog either.

[catz]

I don't think most mentally stable people should get a dog with a newborn/toddler.   Let alone someone with this track record.  You did the right thing for sure. 

ETA there would be no way I would help them transport a dog on a plane at this time.  

Edited September 25, 2019 by FuzzyCatz

[JustEm]

I got a corgi puppy when my oldest was 2 months old. It could have been a nightmare but my other dog really needed it. Her littermate died in front of her when I was 5 months pregnant and she handled it well until the baby came. Then she became incredibly depressed even though we made sure she still had tons of playtime and attention. Thankfully she was the best puppy ever and was house-trained in a week and was the playmate our other dog needed.

I still wouldn't recommend anyone get a puppy with a newborn.

[SKL]

I'm wondering what other great advice this therapist is giving this person.

[stephanier.1765]

1 hour ago, kbutton said:

Are they asking you or assuming you'll bring it? I think you need to say something sooner than later. Wow.

I received a text this morning asking for my flight information. That's not unusual since it helps them to plan when to pick me up. I sent it and then texted her to say I had e-mailed it when she texted back to say she's trying to figure something out. I offer to help her figure something out since I'm thinking it has something to do with my travel arrangements. That's when she replies that they have put a "small pup" on hold until November, that it lives in southern Georgia (I live in northern Florida), and that she's trying to figure out the most cost effective way of getting the dog and bringing it home. So she didn't come right out and say she wants me to do it but it sure like it's the writing on the wall. She also mentioned she really needs a dog to help with the grief of losing the family dog. I understand that but if she does want to me to bring that dog to them I don't know what in the world I'm going to say. If I say no, I will feel like a bigger, uncaring ass than I already do.

[catz]

1 minute ago, stephanier.1765 said:

I received a text this morning asking for my flight information. That's not unusual since it helps them to plan when to pick me up. I sent it and then texted her to say I had e-mailed it when she texted back to say she's trying to figure something out. I offer to help her figure something out since I'm thinking it has something to do with my travel arrangements. That's when she replies that they have put a "small pup" on hold until November, that it lives in southern Georgia (I live in northern Florida), and that she's trying to figure out the most cost effective way of getting the dog and bringing it home. So she didn't come right out and say she wants me to do it but it sure like it's the writing on the wall. She also mentioned she really needs a dog to help with the grief of losing the family dog. I understand that but if she does want to me to bring that dog to them I don't know what in the world I'm going to say. If I say no, I will feel like a bigger, uncaring ass than I already do.

Ugh it is really unfair of them to take advantage of you like that.  Especially since your travel plans already sound complex.  

[Bluegoat]

That's hard.  Have you talked to your son?  My inclination would be to be straightforward and say, this is a bad idea, but it might be better to see where things are really at in the home, and it would probably be better for him to talk to her than you.

[SKL]

I wonder if you could gently say that you won't assist with something both spouses aren't on board with.  You don't want to contribute to family stress.

You could also suggest they work with the seller to arrange the transport, if they ask you to help.  I can't imagine asking anyone to bring a dog with them on a plane for me.

[JustEm]

4 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

I received a text this morning asking for my flight information. That's not unusual since it helps them to plan when to pick me up. I sent it and then texted her to say I had e-mailed it when she texted back to say she's trying to figure something out. I offer to help her figure something out since I'm thinking it has something to do with my travel arrangements. That's when she replies that they have put a "small pup" on hold until November, that it lives in southern Georgia (I live in northern Florida), and that she's trying to figure out the most cost effective way of getting the dog and bringing it home. So she didn't come right out and say she wants me to do it but it sure like it's the writing on the wall. She also mentioned she really needs a dog to help with the grief of losing the family dog. I understand that but if she does want to me to bring that dog to them I don't know what in the world I'm going to say. If I say no, I will feel like a bigger, uncaring ass than I already do.

Your son already said he didn't want another dog. So when she asks you simply say, "I'm sorry but I do not feel comfortable being put in the middle of a decision that both people in your marriage don't agree with."

[MaBelle]

Wow!  Not only would I not give a reference, I'd call the adoption place and fill them in so she couldn't sneak around you.

 

[MaBelle]

2 hours ago, stephanier.1765 said:

Not for sure, no, but it was through her therapist that she found the latest dog they adopted. It was a retired therapy dog and the therapist (I believe) acted as the reference in this case. My heart breaks for that dog. It was retired because she and her owner were hit by a car. In a few short months, she had been injured, lost a leg, lost her owner, recovered at a rescue, carted across the country and then sent to a new home. I was there when the dog arrived and she was so sad. For days, her tail was always down. Not long before I left she was was finally starting to come out of her shell and show her real personality. What a sweetheart of a dog. I think the real reason behind them sending the dog back is she was just too big for their home. They have a small home and the dog was a Great Pyrenees. It was like have another adult living in this tiny house but this was something that should have been foreseen. That poor dog. 😥

Slight update: They already have another dog picked out but are holding off a few months before bringing it home. Sounds like a puppy this time and it looks like they are setting it up for me to bring it to them when I fly there in November. At least it seems to be one of the options they are toying with. I'm not absolutely sure though since I only have a few text messages to go on and the fact the dog is now presently living not far from me. If so, I'm not sure what do do about it. I'm not an experienced flyer and since I'm both flying and taking a bus to get there it seems like a lot with a dog I'm not familiar with. With any luck I'm worrying for nothing.

Oh hell no.

[Katy]

NO no no.  DO not take them another dog unless DS himself calls and talks you into it.  A new puppy will not replace the dog that just died.  And she's doing a lot of lying and manipulating and just no.

Frankly I'd call your DS and tell him you will not participate in getting that puppy there and (gently) maybe he needs to take some paternity leave and help DIL for a few days.  None of this seems like stable behavior.

[gardenmom5]

You did the right thing in saying "no".  That can be hard sometimes - especially if you have a tendency to "people please".   It is something that will probably make her unhappy - but that is on herself for having the audacity to ask you to LIE.   You son is being realistic in looking at their circumstances and history, your dil is not.

eta: do NOT allow the "guilt at being the meany" to  manipulate you into helping her get a dog.  (that could well be passed on to someone else in the next few weeks/months.  or worse.)

Edited September 25, 2019 by gardenmom5

[Lady Florida.]

Agreeing with others that you did the right thing. Feeling bad about it is normal because it is hard to do the right thing. IOW, it's okay to feel bad about it while still realizing you made the right decision.

[stephanier.1765]

Update -

It's funny how things work out but DIL has come up with a solution that actually helps lift some of my guilt. Thank goodness I didn't say outright that I didn't want to bring the dog to them. If she had toyed with that idea it isn't what she finally decided to do. Instead she is going to fly down here the day before I fly up there, hang out with me that day, maybe visit some family, and then pick up the dog that evening. She's going to stay the night at our house and then the two of us, as well as the dog, will fly back up there together. I'm sure she will be happy to have an extra pair of hands but I'm also happy to have someone experienced with that airport and bus travel since both are new to me. So win, win. Now I can only hope it's a win for the dog as well. 

[TechWife]

You did the right thing. I can’t imagine a new pet being recommend for someone with PPD. I had PPD, the last thing I needed  was more responsibilities. 

[Corraleno]

2 hours ago, stephanier.1765 said:

Update -

It's funny how things work out but DIL has come up with a solution that actually helps lift some of my guilt. Thank goodness I didn't say outright that I didn't want to bring the dog to them. If she had toyed with that idea it isn't what she finally decided to do. Instead she is going to fly down here the day before I fly up there, hang out with me that day, maybe visit some family, and then pick up the dog that evening. She's going to stay the night at our house and then the two of us, as well as the dog, will fly back up there together. I'm sure she will be happy to have an extra pair of hands but I'm also happy to have someone experienced with that airport and bus travel since both are new to me. So win, win. Now I can only hope it's a win for the dog as well. 

How does your son feel about this? Is the therapist on board knowing it's a puppy, not a trained therapy dog like the other one he recommended?

[Bluegoat]

I am still hesitant about the puppy.  Most breeders would not sell a dog into that situation.  But, I guess you can only stick your nose in so far.  I'd still talk to your son if possible.

[73349]

She should look into whether the dog is going to be allowed on the bus.

I wonder why Having a Dog seems like such a good idea to her when she has had so much trouble with them. I hope she doesn't think this puppy will be perfect.

[mom2scouts]

So, wait, a woman with PPD and a history of treating pets as disposable is going to get a puppy? A puppy is like having another baby! There is NO WAY I'd participate or help with that in any way.

[goldberry]

On 9/24/2019 at 3:37 PM, SKL said:

Wow.  With that history, you would have felt even more guilty saying yes.

Nobody should ever ask another person to lie for them.

My kids and I would love a dog, but I have really high standards for being able to care for one, and we aren't there.  We have no history of giving away or mistreating an animal, I just know we don't have time to give an intelligent, active animal what it needs.  So I am on your side - a family shouldn't get a dog if they aren't definitely all in, and your DIL doesn't seem to be there.

 

This is us too.  I'm more emotional about it but DH keeps me on track.  OP you did the right thing.

[Carrie12345]

I’m late on this, but wanted to throw in my 2 cents for anyone who might find themself in a similar situation in the future.

Consider saying yes to being a reference.  When the rescue calls, give them the pertinent information so they can make the right decision.  Otherwise, some other shmoe lies for them, and they get a dog!