kewb Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 (edited) Ds (19) asked if his girlfriend can come visit for a few days before they return to college. Sure, no problem. But then he asked if they can sleep in the same room. Uh, no. But then I started thinking about why it is a no. Would you allow it? Edited January 2, 2018 by kewb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth86 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 (edited) I *think* I would. I also don't have old kids. I don't think dh would like it. My parents let my dh sleep over when he was my bf... I mean if the kids are adults and sleeping together outside of your house I guess I just don't see a difference. Edited January 2, 2018 by Elizabeth86 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Well, why did you say no? What belief, attitude, etc., was the answer based on? I haven't reached that point with my kids yet, but my thinking is that unless they are married or an established couple, sharing a household, my answer would be no. But that is based on my own and my husband's attitudes. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 (edited) Yes, I would and I am - if the girlfriend is above the age of consent. I have no religious beliefs that prohibit this. Edited January 2, 2018 by regentrude 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth86 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Yes, I would and I am - if the girlfriend is above the age of consent. I have no religious beliefs that prohibit this. See even on the religious side of things, just because it is my standards or beliefs doesn't mean I hold others to this standard. So a couple "sinning" doesn't make me a sinner because I let them share a bed in my house. They'd just do it somewhere else. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I would not have any problem with that for an adult child. If they are asking to share a room, then I assume they are sleeping together at college anyway, so refusing to let them share a room at home isn't really preventing anything. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 yes, i would let my adult children arrange their sleeping however they want. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joules Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I'd allow it. As long as they are both adults, they are old enough to figure out their own sleeping arrangements. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 Perspective is very helpful. My gut reaction of no is based on my own belief of living arrangements before marriage. It is not so much a prevention of sex. Sleeping arrangements are irrelevant to that. An image of impropriety, perhaps. A concern that I am responsible for this young woman while she is a guest in my home. On the one hand, they are both 19. For certain they have been sharing sleeping quarters at college. What does it really matter. I really don't have a moral objection. I just don't like the idea. And it is probably tied more to the reality that my first born is no longer a baby. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scholastica Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Ds (19) asked if his girlfriend can come visit for a few days before they return to college. Sure, no problem. But then he asked if they can sleep in the same room. Uh, no. But then I started thinking about why it is a no. Would you allow it? You have to figure out your own values surrounding this. In our house, this would be a no but those are our values. They can stay in a hotel if they don't like the rules here. What behavior do you want to communicate to your dd as being okay? If you don't have an objection to sex outside of marriage, then there should be no problem with them sharing a bedroom. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth86 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 (edited) Perspective is very helpful. My gut reaction of no is based on my own belief of living arrangements before marriage. It is not so much a prevention of sex. Sleeping arrangements are irrelevant to that. An image of impropriety, perhaps. A concern that I am responsible for this young woman while she is a guest in my home. On the one hand, they are both 19. For certain they have been sharing sleeping quarters at college. What does it really matter. I really don't have a moral objection. I just don't like the idea. And it is probably tied more to the reality that my first born is no longer a baby. Yes, I'd say the reality that your first born is no longer a baby is HARD! I'd say it's really really hard seeing your baby do grown up things. That's why I said what I *think* I would do because I realize how hard it will be to treat my "babies" like adults. Edited January 2, 2018 by Elizabeth86 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellydon Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Nope. Would not be allowed here 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I don’t know how I will react. I think I will be ok with it, but who knows what I will do in that moment? I do know that when I visited my DH (or he visited me) before we got married, we didn’t sleep together. I wouldn’t have been comfortable with that and would have never even asked. However, my husband’s younger brother didn’t have the same feelings as we did, and I know it made my DMIL uncomfortable. He didn’t even ask, just did it. I don’t know that she would have said no, but I know she wished she had been asked. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosika Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 It's so weird to think of our kids as sexual beings. LOL But I wouldn't let that stop me from allowing it. I'd disallow it for moral/religious objections only. See even on the religious side of things, just because it is my standards or beliefs doesn't mean I hold others to this standard. So a couple "sinning" doesn't make me a sinner because I let them share a bed in my house. They'd just do it somewhere else. In my religious tradition, letting this couple share a bed in my house would be inappropriate. What they consider to (not!) be a moral issue is irrelevant to my own actions. Likewise, what I consider to a moral issue is irrelevant to their actions; what they do somewhere else is not on me. So whether it's sleeping together before marriage, throwing back vodka shots like they're gummy bears, stealing from their employers, or murdering random bad drivers .... I'm responsible for any role I play in any activity I view as a sin. So there will be no sleeping together before marriage, stealing from employers, or murdering random bad drivers no matter how tempting while with me or in my domain/home. It'd be implicit guilt. But doing those things on their own time, is all on them - no implicit guilt on me. Vodka shots, however, yes. We can definitely do that! I'm grateful that it isn't a sin in the eyes of my faith. LOL You have to figure out your own values surrounding this. In our house, this would be a no but those are our values. They can stay in a hotel if they don't like the rules here. What behavior do you want to communicate to your dd as being okay? If you don't have an objection to sex outside of marriage, then there should be no problem with them sharing a bedroom. In our home this is a no right now - we have younger children still being brought up in the faith. My objections are religious. I don't mind if my kids don't share that religion, or don't follow that particular belief, but out of respect to me it's understood that house rules will follow our established religious beliefs. I have two adult sons and an engaged 17 year old. None of them have ever asked this of me. They must know how I feel. LOL It wouldn't be my choice for them to stay together in a hotel, but I would accept it without comment. What's important to me is that my home remain faithful to my beliefs, especially with younger kids still in the home. The offer to stay at a hotel would show that they respect my beliefs, even if they don't share them. That is a great solution. It addresses Elizabeth86's attitude about not wanting to push her standards/beliefs onto others, but allows the parent to remain faithful to her standards/beliefs. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 No, I wouldn't. They can do what they want, but I won't be encouraging it in my house. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loowit Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 It would not be allowed in our home. My kids already know this. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zimom Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 My kids are very widely spaced. 12 years. So obviously oldest was doing things youngest was not. When he went off to college I basically asked him to be very respectful of his youngest sister and think about modeling good behavior. I never had to say anything else to him and his girlfriend was always gone in the morning before sis awakened (gf lived locally), they were very discreet, etc. Youngest is now 13. Fiance' recently moved in with oldest and we are not against the arrangement. When they were in town recently it was just a no-brainer that they would stay together. Every family has to handle this for themselves but for us, it was more of an age issue than anything else. I just didn't want to be explaining some things to an 8-year-old LOL. Fortunately, our kids love each other and big brother respects that little sis needs a good role model growing up without being exposed to things too early. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Consenting adults. No problem here. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 BTDT. It didn't bother me. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Yes, and I do. I went through this last year and decided.... they are adults. What they do with their bodies is their decision. I expect them to be discrete and to Lock doors if they need privacy. Up until Senior year in highschool and turning 18, boyfriends were only allowed downstairs in the common areas of our home. Senior year (she turned 18 in the fall) she could have them in her room with the door open. Once she neared graduation, she could have the door shut. Right after graduation, sleepovers here were a common occurrence. Now she lives at his house. LOL There were a few boyfriend sleepovers her senior year, like when we got a week of snow and I didn't want her (or him) driving on the bad roads. At first they were in common areas (living room), then bedroom with door open, then near graduation they were allowed to have the door closed/locked at night. She was 18 and he was 19, college bound and discrete. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Yes, I would, as long as she is of the legal age of consent. Given what I was up to at that age, and that I am not the least ashamed about it, I see no reason to play "do as I say and not as I do." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I also would not have any problem with providing a forthright explanation to a younger sibling, if one was even asked for. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 (edited) For me it really comes down to the fact that I do not, under any circumstance, want to hear them having sex...ever. I don't have a problem with them having sex I just never want to have to hear/see proof of it. ETA: just to be clear, I have no issues with casual sex, hook ups, serial monogamy or what ever they end up getting into. As long as they are safe and mentally healthy I don't see the problem, I just don't know that I want to hear all the details. Edited January 2, 2018 by foxbridgeacademy 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 For me it really comes down to the fact that I do not, under any circumstance, want to hear them having sex...ever. I don't have a problem with them having sex I just never want to have to hear/see proof of it. This is one of those situations where it may pay to pretend to be a little deaf--i.e., choose not to hear what it would be impolite to hear. Maybe remind them to stay quiet when people are sleeping. If she turns out to be a screamer, I could think of a NSFW white elephant gift that would possibly solve the problem. But then, I'm one of those people who sleeps apart from my spouse. Most of our intimate activities take place during waking hours, so if in future one of my kids makes noise engaging in those activities with a significant other when I'm in the house, well, again, I see no reason to play "do as I say, not as I do." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 When I moved in with my now-husband (then not-husband) my dad first said: oh. And then he took a few days to process without mentioning it. Then he told me he felt odd about it, but, that was his problem not mine, and he loves me and trusts me. I completely understand why it took him a few days - honestly, I wasn't asking his permission anyway. But, that he DID say something was meaningful to me. It meant a lot to be treated with respect like that. I was 20 at the time. My husband and I have married 16 years 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 For me it really comes down to the fact that I do not, under any circumstance, want to hear them having sex...ever. I don't have a problem with them having sex I just never want to have to hear/see proof of it. Pretty sure any 19 year old feels the exact same way!! If it was me -- we would be sleeping in the same room, if that was our norm, but there would be no hankie pankie. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth86 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 (edited) It's so weird to think of our kids as sexual beings. LOL But I wouldn't let that stop me from allowing it. I'd disallow it for moral/religious objections only. In my religious tradition, letting this couple share a bed in my house would be inappropriate. What they consider to (not!) be a moral issue is irrelevant to my own actions. Likewise, what I consider to a moral issue is irrelevant to their actions; what they do somewhere else is not on me. So whether it's sleeping together before marriage, throwing back vodka shots like they're gummy bears, stealing from their employers, or murdering random bad drivers .... I'm responsible for any role I play in any activity I view as a sin. So there will be no sleeping together before marriage, stealing from employers, or murdering random bad drivers no matter how tempting while with me or in my domain/home. It'd be implicit guilt. But doing those things on their own time, is all on them - no implicit guilt on me. Vodka shots, however, yes. We can definitely do that! I'm grateful that it isn't a sin in the eyes of my faith. LOL In our home this is a no right now - we have younger children still being brought up in the faith. My objections are religious. I don't mind if my kids don't share that religion, or don't follow that particular belief, but out of respect to me it's understood that house rules will follow our established religious beliefs. I have two adult sons and an engaged 17 year old. None of them have ever asked this of me. They must know how I feel. LOL It wouldn't be my choice for them to stay together in a hotel, but I would accept it without comment. What's important to me is that my home remain faithful to my beliefs, especially with younger kids still in the home. The offer to stay at a hotel would show that they respect my beliefs, even if they don't share them. That is a great solution. It addresses Elizabeth86's attitude about not wanting to push her standards/beliefs onto others, but allows the parent to remain faithful to her standards/beliefs. I completely see this, it's just not how I believe. To be honest I'm a ok with prenarital sex, but I loathe alcohol. Not going off religion really, just my own personal thing. Edited January 2, 2018 by Elizabeth86 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyoffive Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I am not sure how we are going to handle it. But I say your house, your rules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 (edited) This is one of those situations where it may pay to pretend to be a little deaf--i.e., choose not to hear what it would be impolite to hear. Maybe remind them to stay quiet when people are sleeping. If she turns out to be a screamer, I could think of a NSFW white elephant gift that would possibly solve the problem. But then, I'm one of those people who sleeps apart from my spouse. Most of our intimate activities take place during waking hours, so if in future one of my kids makes noise engaging in those activities with a significant other when I'm in the house, well, again, I see no reason to play "do as I say, not as I do." I'm with you in theory but I just couldn't deal. Of course I would never have sex at my parents house, I wouldn't want them to hear, so it is more of a "do as I do" even if you (the general you not specifically you ;) ) think I'm being old fashioned. I do think this will be an issue with our youngest.... which is why we'll probably be ponying up for her to live in a dorm her Sophomore year and after (even though we live about 5 miles from Campus). As for DS I couldn't even imagine he'd ever feel comfortable enough to risk getting "caught" so it's probably a non-issue. Edited January 2, 2018 by foxbridgeacademy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth86 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I am not sure how we are going to handle it. But I say your house, your rules. I absolutely agree. We all work out our own rules. I suppose we all are sharing what we all personally would do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I'm with you in theory but I just couldn't deal. Of course I would never have sex at my parents house, I wouldn't want them to hear, so it is more of a "do as I do" even if you (the general you not specifically you ;) ) think I'm being old fashioned. I do think this will be an issue with our youngest.... which is why we'll probably be ponying up for her to live in a dorm her Sophomore year and after (even though we live about 5 miles from Campus). As for DS I couldn't even imagine he'd ever feel comfortable enough to risk getting "caught" so it's probably a non-issue. Come to think about it, I don't think DH and I (or any other partner and I) have ever actually slept under a parent's roof together. I go visit my family without him, and his live close enough to day trip. When my mom has come here, she stayed in a hotel and my dad has never come to visit at all. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I am not sure how we are going to handle it. But I say your house, your rules. I'm glad the kid asked, instead of making it an awkward conversation while the other person was present. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted January 3, 2018 Author Share Posted January 3, 2018 All of these perspectives have been very helpful. When he asked me earlier today I told him I would need a couple of days to process and figure out me feelings on the matter. Dh is fine with then sleeping in the same room. Although I asked him if he would feel the same way when dd asks this in a couple of years. What is good for one is good for the other. Needless to say we are both pondering. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 . Although I asked him if he would feel the same way when dd asks this in a couple of years. What is good for one is good for the other. Needless to say we are both pondering. Yes - why should it make any difference whether it is a daughter or a son? 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 I think it might depend for us on how serious I thought it was. Our ideal would be sex in marriage, or what counts as marriage for the people involved - that is to say, really serious. A lot of relationships that 19 year olds have aren't that serious, and if that were the case, I'd be hesitant to treat it as if it was. I think that can tend to lead to bad situations. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aaplank Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 If you have a moral or religious conviction about no sex before marriage, I would say no. You are allowed to withhold your own convictions in your own home. It will also help your son to honor the convictions of others, even if they aren't his own convictions. For example, my best friend is a Muslim. When we go out to eat together, I never order alcohol or pork products. Even though I drink alcohol and eat pork at other times, and those are not my religious convictions, when I'm around my best friend, I abstain because I want to be sensitive and polite. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth86 Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Yes - why should it make any difference whether it is a daughter or a son? Because in a dad's eyes it does from my experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Because in a dad's eyes it does from my experience. Well, your hypothetical son's hypothetical girlfriend is somebody's daughter, so it shouldn't make a difference. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sdel Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Yes - why should it make any difference whether it is a daughter or a son? To quote my husbands dearly departed great aunt....â€with a boy you only have to worry about the one little wee wee; with a girl you have to worry about all the little wee wees.†She was a hoot and we miss her a lot. Stefanie 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth86 Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Well, your hypothetical son's hypothetical girlfriend is somebody's daughter, so it shouldn't make a difference. I understand it shouldn't, but it does. Never did I say this was my opinion, just the opinion of every dad with a little girl I know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted January 3, 2018 Author Share Posted January 3, 2018 Yes - why should it make any difference whether it is a daughter or a son? It shouldn't. Which is the point I was making to my husband. No double standard in my house. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 I can say yes from experience. We allowed dss and his girlfriend to sleep in the same room back when he was that age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 An adult, to me, is defined as someone who has jumped out of my wallet. So, no, I would not let my college going adult children sleep with significant others in my home. I have always felt that one should not jump into the backseat of a car without the ability to pay for a first car, college, and a wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seeking Squirrels Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Yes, I would. These are adults that clearly spend nights together when not at home. So even if I had something against premarital relations (which I don't), it's not like saying no prevents that. I would much rather keep open communication with my kids and make sure they always feel comfortable coming back home. I'm not going to make a pointless rule that would encourage them to stay away. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Ds (19) asked if his girlfriend can come visit for a few days before they return to college. Sure, no problem. But then he asked if they can sleep in the same room. Betcha he cleans his room like it has never been cleaned before... 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 I wouldn't because I believe the privilege of sleeping together comes with marriage. All I can do is say what is allowed in my home. As young adults, they have the freedom to stay in a hotel if it is that important to them. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 I wouldn't allow it up to a certain age or point in their relationship, because I believe that an intimate relationship is a very, very special love language that builds and supports and binds over a lifetime of commitment, and can even be a lifeline through life's most difficult and horrid moments. So, unless I thought my child was at that point of commitment, I wouldn't feel comfortable with them sharing a bed in my household. At some point, if I sensed that their relationship had evolved into that type of commitment, even if they weren't married, I'd most likely reconsider. I don't think a commitment has to depend on a legal paper. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 yes, btdt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joules Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 For me it really comes down to the fact that I do not, under any circumstance, want to hear them having sex...ever. I don't have a problem with them having sex I just never want to have to hear/see proof of it. Has this ever been a problem for anyone? I've had married and non-married relatives stay in the same room lots of times, and I've never been aware of anyone having sex, though I'm sure some have. I would just assume that people would be polite in another person's home and keep down the volume. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth86 Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Has this ever been a problem for anyone? I've had married and non-married relatives stay in the same room lots of times, and I've never been aware of anyone having sex, though I'm sure some have. I would just assume that people would be polite in another person's home and keep down the volume.I know, right? How often do parents have sex and their kids don't hear it? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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