Would you be bothered? Extravagant friends

[Guest]

Your dh doesn't want him to go. You don't want him to go. Just say no.

Well, we are saying no. I’m just aggitated and when I’m aggitated, I come to the Hive. I don’t have a better venue for discussing my aggitation about this. So here I am. ðŸ˜

[Meriwether]

I would be thrilled if my kids got to go on a nice trip, even without me.

[lauraw4321]

I was included a couple of times on trips with friends. I went to a fancy private school. My parents were solidly middle class but made it work as I was an only child and they both worked. I’m glad they let me go and experience these things. Now, these were nice beach trips, so not trips to Paris or anything. But it was really nice and it opened up my world.

 

My oldest DD’s best friend is from a single mom family. I have taken her lots of places her mom couldn’t afford for her to go. The mom is happy for a break, the kid is happy and my kid is happy. (Places are indoor playgrounds, museums, etc.). Now that we are across the country, I’m thinking about asking her wether I could fly her out here for a couple of weeks this summer.

 

So no. I don’t think it would bother me and I would let my kid take the opportunity. But I do understand your position and you are entitled to it.

[MedicMom]

But those things don't make the kid entitled. The attitude about those things make the child entitled.

I don’t even think that necessarily makes kids entitled. They’re questioning things that are different than what they’re used to. They’re used to having an open snack cupboard or a Mom who runs to chick fil a. In my kids’ experience, everyone has streaming Amazon prime and Netflix and iPhones. They’re used to being able to FaceTime with whom ever they want. If someone had, say, a non smart phone, they’d question it to. Not out of entitlement but just because they’re kids and it’s out of their realm of experience.

 

For the record, if I hadn’t been able to go to amusement parks, WDW and Hawaii with people other than my immediate family, I would never have gone. I am incredibly thankful as an adult for families that let me experience things that my FOO would never have been able to afford at that point in time. I married a man who detests traveling and hates vacations, to the point we didn’t go on a honeymoon. If i didn’t do those things as a child, i probably never would have.

I would let my child go in a heartbeat, but creating family memories isn’t something high on my list of important things. Those happen naturally. I can’t imagine being upset over my kid spending a snowstorm away from me. Like none of this is even on my radar at all.

 

Some people can take expensive trips and they have more fun if friends come. There’s nothing wrong with it. If you’re uncomfortable, decline. But don’t keep your child from an amazing trip over jealousy or desire to build family memories that are not likely to happen.

[marbel]

The entitlement comes from parents not explaining to kids that others live differently than them. It isn't because they do or have those things.

 

I don't disagree with you.

 

But, I have known a few families who were wealthy, had nice big houses, great vacations every year, all nice things. Their kids understood - their parents explained - that not everyone had the same things they did... but the kids ended up pitying those who didn't have what they took for granted.  So the relationship is unbalanced.  Who wants a friend who feels sorry for them because they don't have a pool, don't have their own gaming system that doesn't have to be shared with siblings...?  

 

That's not to say no one should have nice things or more than anyone else. That's just real life.  But I don't think it's as easy as wealthy parents teaching their kids that others live differently.   Or maybe it's the way they teach it.

[Guest]

Yes - I've seen this a lot too.

 

We don't have many of those things and I'm not envious of people that do. I'm irritated by the minimum standard rising so high because I think it's wasteful and unhealthy.

YES, a lot of it is this. It is the endlessly-rising standard.

[hopskipjump]

I can see how this could bother you and completely understand not allowing your son to go on a Grand Adventure vacation with the other family...

 

With that said - my kids have been out of the country a few times. With other families. Who could afford to go. lol We simply cannot afford to take out whole family - all at the same time - to a big grand adventure like that. But, they've been fortunate enough to be invited by friends to go along (or invited to come to visit!).

 

My kids have gobs of memories that have nothing to do with me or my husband or their siblings.

 

Still - most of their most special memories and favorite traditions involve our core family and are usually connected to some of the most random moments. Things I didn't realize were making a lasting impression on each kid at the time - things *I* never planned to BE a "memory" - and yet - there they are. When the kids discuss things, it's fascinating to see which moments they cherish.

 

So they've loved their trips. They've loved the trips to amusement parks with friends. They love going along with their friends' families - some of those families are like second families to them. I love hearing their stories when they return. And - they love the everyday little moments with our family. They love the trips we do take. None of their "extra" has diminished what they love about "us."

 

I haven't given a second thought to "repaying" the other families. They invite my kid because their kid wants to and it works with their family dynamic. My kids are really pleasant people to be around (they're also uber-organized and have, on each travel occasion, helped get their party "un-lost" and have kept people on-time... lol). I don't blame people for wanting them to come along on their family vacations!!  :rofl:

 

When we've gone on trips, we've invited kids to come along as well - but not always. Just whatever works for our family at the time!

 

Entitled kids is an entirely different conversation, imho. If your kid's friend is a total brat - that's a whole other scenario. :D

 

(eta: it's been a mix of what we pay for when the kids have traveled with other families. Sometimes we pay for all of their expenses, sometimes the other family has covered part of the expense... it's just depended on a large mixture of events)

Edited November 28, 2017 by hopskipjump

[8circles]

As to the first, I am not sure what you mean about changing the relationships/dynamic of the family.....Do you mean like, siblings won't love each other as much?

 

As to the second, I am still not following....sorry, feeling a bit dense this morning.

 

1) No, that isn't what I mean. It's like any relationship. It changes based on experiences and quality time spent together. It's not quantifiable. When you have one family member who is also somewhat part of another family (this isn't just one or two things, but many experiences ranging from the mundane to a pretty significant trip) then it can change the actual family dynamics. 

 

2) There are always strings. AND I think the act of allowing kids to join other family's trips is not appreciated.

[lauraw4321]

A couple reasons that are easier to articulate:

 

1) It usually has a cost to my family in some way. It isn't just that one child gets something really cool, but it changes the relationships/dynamic of my family. Sometimes this is OK, mostly it isn't. That's not a risk I take lightly.

 

2) IME it is never a gift without strings. Asking family considers it a one-way gift, not appreciating that I'm gifting my child to them for a time - which frankly, is more valuable than any trip or experience. There is always an expectation of being forever grateful which isn't reciprocated.

 

These are purely from my experience - I understand that this isn't everyone's experience.

WRT #1 I was an only child, so I hadn’t considered that. But I know in my DH’s family, there were awesome vacations he didn’t get to go in because he was in college. How is that different? Should the family not have gone?

 

WRT #2 In both the giving and receiving of this I’ve had, it is entirely without strings.

[theelfqueen]

Oh gosh... I invite Sherlock's best friend to things like amusement parks and overnight to Great Wolf Lodge (Sherlock's birthday gift last year -- took Muppet Boy and Muppet Boy's bestie - who actually just happened to be visiting -- and Sherlock and his best friend).

 

His best friend's presence is my son's FAVORITE gift. And my older sons are older and don't always want to do things he does.

 

Best friend used to live down the street from us but now lives in the woods -- and has chickens and goats and a beehive! DS LOVES going to their house even though they don't do the 'extravagant' things that we sometimes do.

 

The only reciprocation we're looking for is to make an effort to make sure the boys spend time together, doing whatever.

 

My older kids ARE, in fact, part of another family -- XH's family. They go on vacations and do things with XH. It took us a while to decide we could do things with Sherlock while the others were gone to their Dad's. That he could have family experiences that don't involve them while they were having family experiences that don't involve him.

Edited November 28, 2017 by theelfqueen

[8circles]

WRT #1 I was an only child, so I hadn’t considered that. But I know in my DH’s family, there were awesome vacations he didn’t get to go in because he was in college. How is that different? Should the family not have gone?

 

WRT #2 In both the giving and receiving of this I’ve had, it is entirely without strings.

 

1) Nope, I didn't say this means the kid shouldn't go. But it's something to consider and sometimes it's not worth it, other times it might be. 

 

2) I believe this was your experience. It wasn't mine. 

[amy g.]

It does not bother me at all.

 

One of my Dd has a friend who is a trust fund baby. Her family includes Dd in almost everything they do, multiple trips to Hawaii, broadway shows and expensive outings. My Dd would not have done those things if they had not invited her.

 

It has been this way for years.

 

I feel blessed rather than resentful. I feel so lucky that other adults are invested in Dd and love her.

 

We reciprocate in our own way. When friend comes to our house, we don’t do a million activities. I let them stay in their PJs all day and climb trees and I cook them comfort food.

 

Last week, Dh took Dd and friend to a parade and a bookstore and out for tea. None of these are big money activities,but that doesn’t bother us because we don’t judge how special time is by how much money has been spent.

 

I truly believe both girls have better lives by having more people who love them and include them than they would have if they spent all of their special free time with their families of origin.

 

It doesn’t threaten me at all that the other family has much more money than we do. I don’t feel some need to paint them as an unhappy family just because of their assets.

 

For me, the more people loving on my kids and wanting to do nice things for them the better.

[DawnM]

Yes - I've seen this a lot too.

 

We don't have many of those things and I'm not envious of people that do. I'm irritated by the minimum standard rising so high because I think it's wasteful and unhealthy.

 

Where is the line though?  What might seem like waste or frivolity to you might not be to someone else.

I would never say that someone with an iphone who goes to Chick-Fil-A has set any min. standard.  It is just a different choice.  

 

For example, I would not choose to take my entire family to an expensive restaurant because they truly don't value it, so it would be a waste of money.  They are just as happy with coupons to Smashburger (and getting the entire meal for $4 which we often do) as they are at The Melting Pot where meals are $50 each.  But I wouldn't say the family who does go to the Melting Pot has set some new min. standard, even though I might find it wasteful (money wise.)

[Guest]

1) No, that isn't what I mean. It's like any relationship. It changes based on experiences and quality time spent together. It's not quantifiable. ]When you have one family member who is also somewhat part of another family (this isn't just one or two things, but many experiences ranging from the mundane to a pretty significant trip) then it can change the actual family dynamics.

 

2) There are always strings. AND I think the act of allowing kids to join other family's trips is not appreciated.[/b]

I agree. It’s like: suppose when my firstborn got her driver’s license, we had a beat-up old Ford Taurus she could drive. (This part of this hypothetical story is true.) she gets to have a car to drive; it’s not much, but it’s transportation that gives her some freedom. Now, suppose when second child got his license, Grandma decided she doesn’t drive anymore, so she doesn’t need the brand-new Lexus she bought just a year ago and she wants to give it to DS (this part of this hypothetical story is complete fabrication). Even though this is just a lucky happenstance, that second child is getting a way better car than first child, and even though I didn’t give a lavish preference to one child over the other, this is probably going to cause some hard feelings. I would not want Grandma to give second child the posh car, for several reasons, but one would be that this is too inequitable between the siblings. Maybe we could do something like sell the Lexus and get ds a beater car and put the balance in a college fund or something.

 

I think for one child to be the benefactor of a friend’s lavish gift would do what 8circles is saying.

 

Also, not that they are big things, but there would be some ways we would have to spend money to let ds go on the trip. For starters, his passport is expired. And I would not send him along without a dime to his name. And also, I’m extremely uncomfortable for his safety a jillion miles from home (this is the main thing that bothers DH).

 

Eta: me and my tags. May I learn one day which way the slash goes.

Edited November 28, 2017 by Quill

[8circles]

Where is the line though?  What might seem like waste or frivolity to you might not be to someone else.

I would never say that someone with an iphone who goes to Chick-Fil-A has set any min. standard.  It is just a different choice.  

 

For example, I would not choose to take my entire family to an expensive restaurant because they truly don't value it, so it would be a waste of money.  They are just as happy with coupons to Smashburger (and getting the entire meal for $4 which we often do) as they are at The Melting Pot where meals are $50 each.  But I wouldn't say the family who does go to the Melting Pot has set some new min. standard, even though I might find it wasteful (money wise.)

 

I don't know where the line is and I have no desire to define it for the world.

 

In my life, I have seen the minimum standard raised quite high and I'm not comfortable with it. I am fully aware of the fact that my personal standard is higher than most of the world's. I'm a product of my environment just like everyone else and the reality is that once the standard is raised, lowering it is nigh on impossible.

 

It's like that blog post that was going viral a couple years ago about changing your perspectacles. If I don't like the perspectacles my kids get from spending time with certain people, I'll be limiting the time they spend with them. (I'm not saying that a family that invites my kids on trips automatically has the wrong perspectacles. This particular topic is a tangent.)

[8circles]

I agree. It’s like: suppose when my firstborn got her driver’s license, we had a beat-up old Ford Taurus she could drive. (This part of this hypothetical story is true.) she gets to have a car to drive; it’s not much, but it’s transportation that gives her some freedom. Now, suppose when second child got his license, Grandma decided she doesn’t drive anymore, so she doesn’t need the brand-new Lexus she bought just a year ago and she wants to give it to DS (this part of this hypothetical story is complete fabrication). Even though this is just a lucky happenstance, that second child is getting a way better car than first child, and even though I didn’t give a lavish preference to one child over the other, this is probably going to cause some hard feelings. I would not want Grandma to give second child the posh car, for several reasons, but one would be that this is too inequitable between the siblings. Maybe we could do something like sell the Lexus and get ds a beater car and put the balance in a college fund or something.

 

I think for one child to be the benefactor of a friend’s lavish gift would do what 8circles is saying.

 

Also, not that they are big things, but there would be some ways we would have to spend money to let ds go on the trip. For starters, his passport is expired. And I would not send him along without a dime to his name. And also, I’m extremely uncomfortable for his safety a jillion miles from home (this is the main thing that bothers DH).

 

Eta: me and my tags. May I learn one day which way the slash goes.

 

Yup. There are a lot of things to consider.

 

I think that many people who hear about these opportunities think "Yay - Windfall!!" as if it's ALL ONLY GRAVY and the only appropriate response is gratitude and acceptance.

[Katy]

It does not bother me at all.

 

One of my Dd has a friend who is a trust fund baby. Her family includes Dd in almost everything they do, multiple trips to Hawaii, broadway shows and expensive outings. My Dd would not have done those things if they had not invited her.

 

It has been this way for years.

 

I feel blessed rather than resentful. I feel so lucky that other adults are invested in Dd and love her.

 

We reciprocate in our own way. When friend comes to our house, we don’t do a million activities. I let them stay in their PJs all day and climb trees and I cook them comfort food.

 

Last week, Dh took Dd and friend to a parade and a bookstore and out for tea. None of these are big money activities,but that doesn’t bother us because we don’t judge how special time is by how much money has been spent.

 

I truly believe both girls have better lives by having more people who love them and include them than they would have if they spent all of their special free time with their families of origin.

 

It doesn’t threaten me at all that the other family has much more money than we do. I don’t feel some need to paint them as an unhappy family just because of their assets.

 

For me, the more people loving on my kids and wanting to do nice things for them the better.

 

For the record, I'm not saying that all families with assets like that are unhappy.  At all. Simply that it's not as idyllic because the family togetherness/closeness thing is not as important.  The values are different.  To my mind, they can be more empty, but not everyone would see it that way. 

 

Off topic, but Paul Fussell would say that my valuing family closeness is very middle class, and while I think the classes have different distinctions in different areas of the country, he may be correct.

[Laura Corin]

I disgree; I see very often how kids who have certain nice amenities think these are just the things that “everybody†has/does. Like one of my nephews, who, upon realizing that DS has only an iPOD, remarked, “You only have an iPOD?! I have an iPhone 7!†Or a few years ago, girls talking about how another girl’s boots were “FUggs†- Fake Uggs. Or another time when a kid told my kid that “7 friends over is NOT a party. Parties should be, like, 20 friends.†Or name-the-thing: “What do you mean, your internet is limited?†“You don’t have HBO?†“We can’t stream Netflix here?†“There aren’t any snacks? Can’t your mom go get Chick-Fil-A?â€

 

They become entitled simply because they think those things are normal. They aren’t even aware that some people live more modestly just because they choose to. It’s actually one reason I am more comfortable with my homeschooling community, because they are more likely to share my values.

 

No, they are just being rude - material possessions have nothing to do with it.  I doubt if your children would say to someone who didn't have a car in the family, 'You don't have a car!  I can't believe you have to take the bus!' 

 

Why wouldn't they say it?  Because they have been brought up not to be rude to other people.  The level of material wealth has nothing to do with it.

[8circles]

They are already getting something out of it. I'd guess the parents prefer time on their own and having a playmate for their kid allows for that. Maybe they see their kid hanging out with your kid prevents them from becoming entitled. If the child were to only play with their sibling on these trips, they might not see the trip through someone else's eyes. Considering someone else lives differently, has different values, experiences things differently develops empathy and staves off entitlement. I think Creekland said it better. 

 

 

These are pretty big negatives for me. I wouldn't want my kid to go on a trip with his friend to entertain him so the parents could be alone. Neither would I want my kid to be the example of someone who "lives differently". What does that mean? Someone who can't afford nice trips? (We do take nice trips so this isn't personal.) That doesn't sound very nice.

[EMS83]

They wouldn't go because of the distance, especially if that's the first trip away from the family.  I don't know what I'd think about the rest; it's never come up in my life.

[Bluegoat]

Well, maybe sorta, but also, how much can any family really have those discussions, especially if that is also normal to the parents? So, for example, because my DH is a builder, we live in a big, nice house. To me, having grown up poor, it is a mind-blowing nice house. But my kids, especially the youngst, has always lived in this house. He has never shared a bedroom with a sibling, has never had to negotiate what to watch on the single TV, has never lacked simple things like closet space or a place for the Legos to go. To me, all these things are wonderful luxuries, but to him, it’s just living normally in a house he perceives as normal. So, I mean, I’m not going to preach to him every day abou how good he has it that his house does not embarrass him and that there is space and privacy for him to live in a high degree of comfort.

 

He has heard stories of sharing a bedroom with two other siblings. But it would still probably surprise him to go to a friend’s house where that is the sleeping situation. Hopefully, he wouldn’t say anything that makes him sound like a snobby kid who has always lived in a spacios house, but if he did, it would be because he thinks that is “normal,†if only because the large majority of friends and family whose houses he has been in are like this.

 

But that's just lack of experience.  As he gets older, he sees more things, and he's no longer lacking.

 

Theres nothing wrong with kids being inexperienced, it's just part of growing up.

[Zebra]

Okay Quill, here's my honest opinion...

 

I think it's one thing to have reasons for him to not go on the trip, because you're the parents.      

 

BUT, I do think it's a bit much for you to be upset because they made the offer.   Assuming they will be cool with it when you decline.    Maybe I missed something?

 

I can't honestly say I wouldn't react the EXACT SAME WAY you did, but way up here on my high horse makes me realize I shouldn't react that way  :lol: !

 

 

[theelfqueen]

These are pretty big negatives for me. I wouldn't want my kid to go on a trip with his friend to entertain him so the parents could be alone. Neither would I want my kid to be the example of someone who "lives differently". What does that mean? Someone who can't afford nice trips? (We do take nice trips so this isn't personal.) That doesn't sound very nice.

 

I would work from the assumption that they invited your child because they* enjoy his company.

 

*could mean -- they're happy that your kid makes their kid happy, or they feel that your kid fits into their family dynamic and is a pleasant travel companion, or they think he's plain delightful, or  they don't want to lock your kid in a closet as much as their kids' other friends ;) so invite him not them!

Edited November 28, 2017 by theelfqueen

[Bluegoat]

I agree. It’s like: suppose when my firstborn got her driver’s license, we had a beat-up old Ford Taurus she could drive. (This part of this hypothetical story is true.) she gets to have a car to drive; it’s not much, but it’s transportation that gives her some freedom. Now, suppose when second child got his license, Grandma decided she doesn’t drive anymore, so she doesn’t need the brand-new Lexus she bought just a year ago and she wants to give it to DS (this part of this hypothetical story is complete fabrication). Even though this is just a lucky happenstance, that second child is getting a way better car than first child, and even though I didn’t give a lavish preference to one child over the other, this is probably going to cause some hard feelings. I would not want Grandma to give second child the posh car, for several reasons, but one would be that this is too inequitable between the siblings. Maybe we could do something like sell the Lexus and get ds a beater car and put the balance in a college fund or something.

 

I think for one child to be the benefactor of a friend’s lavish gift would do what 8circles is saying.

 

Also, not that they are big things, but there would be some ways we would have to spend money to let ds go on the trip. For starters, his passport is expired. And I would not send him along without a dime to his name. And also, I’m extremely uncomfortable for his safety a jillion miles from home (this is the main thing that bothers DH).

 

Eta: me and my tags. May I learn one day which way the slash goes.

 

Oh gosh you can't sweat that stuff.  It's not a bad thing to get an easy chance to practice getting over being jealous about happenstance - life is full of it, and it can eat people up if they let it.

[8circles]

I would work from the assumption that they invited your child because they* enjoy his company.

 

*could mean -- they're happy that your kid makes their kid happy, or they feel that your kid fits into their family dynamic and is a pleasant travel companion, or they think he's plain delightful, or  they don't want to lock your kid in a closet as much as their kids' other friends ;) so invite him not them!

 

Well, I *would* assume those things. 

 

But I was responding to a post where other reasons were given.

[skimomma]

These are pretty big negatives for me. I wouldn't want my kid to go on a trip with his friend to entertain him so the parents could be alone. Neither would I want my kid to be the example of someone who "lives differently". What does that mean? Someone who can't afford nice trips? (We do take nice trips so this isn't personal.) That doesn't sound very nice.

 

I'm with you on your second point.  No one wants their kid to be used as an example of "less privileged."  I don't think , anyway.  But your first point, why not?  We don't bring other kids on vacations with us because we cannot afford to do so and it is not something I would want to do.  But we do vacation WITH other families for a variety of reasons, one of which is so the kids have each other to entertain (sometimes) while the adults do something they want to do.  It may be as simple as the adults playing a complicated card game together while the kids play a less complicated game.  I have also suggested dd invite a friend over when I know I am going the spend a few hours organizing the pantry or working on a project or whatever.  Bonus points if I actually like the kid she wants to invite over.  Dd is happy.  The kid she invites over is happy.  I get something done.  Wins all around.  I'm not seeing the downside here.

 

We don't know that that is the reason the OP's child was invited on the vacation or other outings.  It may very well be that their child likes the OP's child and they are happy to extend the invitation for no other reason than they can.  I fully support the OP's decision to decline for any reason she wants.  But I do not get being miffed that they asked.

[amy g.]

For the record, I'm not saying that all families with assets like that are unhappy. At all. Simply that it's not as idyllic because the family togetherness/closeness thing is not as important. The values are different. To my mind, they can be more empty, but not everyone would see it that way.

 

Off topic, but Paul Fussell would say that my valuing family closeness is very middle class, and while I think the classes have different distinctions in different areas of the country, he may be correct.

Wow! I can’t imagine where you get the knowledge that “family togetherness/closeness is not as important†in affluent households. That is quite an assumption.

 

The very most selfish/materialistic family I know lives below the poverty level.

 

One’s assets do not dictate values.

 

Dd’s friend who has more money in her own trust fund than I can even begin to comprehend is such a lovely young person. Last week, she made a beautiful, hand painted book for my youngest’s birthday. When she comes home from boarding school, the first thing that she wants to do is check in with the homeless families she volunteers with. In fact, when Dd spends the summer there, weekly volunteer hours are expected from both girls.

 

This family owns not one, but two private beaches in some of the most expensive parts of the country and yet they have raised a kid who does not have a materialistic bone in her body.

 

They did this because it is important to them. These are their values.

 

I would never judge them or assume that they don’t value closeness just because they will never have to worry about money.

 

I would also never limit my child’s access to experience out of jealousy. And I am speaking of the family meals and conversations with friend’s family just as much as the lavish gifts and vacations.

 

It is very simplistic to think that you know what a family values just because you have info on their bank account.

[Sarah CB]

Quill,

 

I get why you are bothered by this, I really do, and I know it upsets you.  However, I want to just address a few things in your post.

 

1.  They aren't trying to upstage you.  I promise they aren't.  They are really doing this for their son.  2.   it sounds like this isn't a huge deal to them.  It is to you.  While that is ok, I think you are making this more than it needs to be.

3.  I don't think they are looking for reciprocity.   My son was invited to a week at the beach with friends.  He went.  We haven't taken their son out.  I do not feel obligated.

4. What do you do later in life?  Just different things, with someone new.  My honeymoon was not about the destination, I had already been around the world by then.....it was about spending time with my new husband.

5. Please don't think all children who have been to Paris, or on an Alaskan Cruise, or to the International Space Station, are spoiled or entitled.  It just is different.  And that is ok.

6. And please let him go if he wants so.  If it is truly something you can't offer, I don't see the point in holding him back.  This is more about you than him.....at least that is how I am reading it.

 

I know it isn't my child and I can't make the decision, but these are my thoughts on the matter.  I  would say yes for my kid.

 

Absolutely. I have a 12 year old son and he would be absolutely thrilled to go on a cool vacation with a good friend. I would definitely let him go. I would also talk to the family and let them know that I feel badly about not being able to reciprocate in the same way - just to make sure my feelings were out there, but I imagine they aren't thinking about reciprocating - they're just thinking about trying to make sure their son has a good time. 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

I have been trying to put my finger on what bothers me about this, because I'm back and forth on it.

 

It's certainly true that there are some things that I want to do with my kids my own self.  So, for instance, when someone offered to my DD to teach her to knit, that was something that I wanted to do.  So I did it.  But there are some things that although I want to do them myself, I can't or couldn't at the right time or whatever.  For instance, when I was working fulltime and homeschooling I wanted to use Classical Writing, but I knew that I couldn't put the time in to making it workable at that point.  (This was before they had workbooks and such, and it would probably have taken about 2 1/2 hours per day, 4-5 days per week to teach it.  I just didn't have that much time.)  So this was something that I wanted DD to have but couldn't provide.  If someone had popped up to teach a Classical Writing class, I would have jumped all over that and taken advantage of it.  Since no one did, I figured out other perfectly fine but a bit less time consuming ways to teach writing, and all was good.  But if there had been a CW class available, I would have had to ask myself, do I want her to have this experience, or do I want her to have me teaching her writing?  I think that either answer is fine in that case. 

 

But I would try not to be influenced in making this decision by jealousy.  I never ever want my kid to be held back by my own limitations.  Rather, I want to be happy for her.

 

Also, if someone extremely well off invited my kids to do something that I could not afford, unless they were snotty in the way that they offered, I would be grateful, but also I would consider myself equal despite being poorer.  So much of that is attitude.  When we were very badly off, I still had the house kids wanted to visit because I let them play creatively in our wildish back yard, which is uncommon here in the city.  And when I had more money but no time, I would routinely pick up an extra ticket or two to any homeschooling field trip we signed up for, and take an extra kid or two along for free, just because if I was going to take a day off from work, I might as well make some others happy too, and DD enjoyed having someone along.  Sometimes we would head to the mountains for a weekend, and DD would bring a friend along and we would cover the incremental expenses of that.  DD got invited to things that we didn't do as well.  I didn't ever think of these offerings as me being better off or worse off than our friends, but rather as me doing what I could to be a good friend and a good mother.  

 

 

 

 

 

[Anne]

I don't disagree with you.

 

But, I have known a few families who were wealthy, had nice big houses, great vacations every year, all nice things. Their kids understood - their parents explained - that not everyone had the same things they did... but the kids ended up pitying those who didn't have what they took for granted. So the relationship is unbalanced. Who wants a friend who feels sorry for them because they don't have a pool, don't have their own gaming system that doesn't have to be shared with siblings...?

 

 

 

That's not to say no one should have nice things or more than anyone else. That's just real life. But I don't think it's as easy as wealthy parents teaching their kids that others live differently. Or maybe it's the way they teach it.

 

 

OTOH, my kids always envied their friends who had more siblings - more built-in playmates, more “fun†at home... There’s always something!!

 

Anne

[Junie]

Quill, when I first read your post I didn't realize that it was your younger son who received the invitation.  I would not allow my 12 year old to go on a long vacation a bajillion miles away.  Local trips, even expensive ones, would not bother me.  I would be glad that my child had an opportunity to do something fun with a friend.

 

Family dynamics also play a part.  If the inviting family has a boy and a girl, I can understand why they might want to invite friends.  We don't go on vacations, but if we did I would want to invite a friend for ds17.  I would not take along any.more.girls.  :svengo:

 

[Guest]

Okay Quill, here's my honest opinion...

 

I think it's one thing to have reasons for him to not go on the trip, because you're the parents.

 

BUT, I do think it's a bit much for you to be upset because they made the offer. Assuming they will be cool with it when you decline. Maybe I missed something?

 

I can't honestly say I wouldn't react the EXACT SAME WAY you did, but way up here on my high horse makes me realize I shouldn't react that way :lol: !

It’s more that I’m upset that this is a “thing.†DH and I have talked a LOT about how this family *always* has to have friends there for the kids. Like, if one kid is going to have a friend sleep over, they will call us right up so the other kid can have a friend too. Or, they will want ds to stay for days and it just seems so excessive to me. Or, like, it can’t just be that ds sleeps over and that’s fun, it’s like there has to be some big entertainment aspect to it, like they have to go to the movies or do lazer tag or whatever.

 

So it’s not that I’m mad they asked. It’s more that I’m annoyed *anyone* thinks this is how family vacations ought to be done. Some of it is just I don’t like the societal direction of kids have to have everything catered up the wazoo.

 

My snappy remark when DH told me of the offer was, “Haven’t they ever heard of a FAMILY vacation?â€

 

I’m also just under a ton or pressure at the moment and I’m not in a good spot.

[MedicMom]

My youngest sisters are growing up completely different than I did. My family hovered around the poverty line for most of my growing up years. The year I started college, my dad left his job to start his own business. I don’t think he made any money that year. Since then it has become enormously successful and my parents are upper middle class or even higher(I am judging based on their lifestyle now; I can only estimate their net worth). My youngest sisters have their own vehicles(that are nice, not the $1000 clunker I had once I turned 19), vacations, nice clothing, iPhones and huge bedrooms that are larger than my master bedroom. I’m not jealous and I don’t think my parents should give me money now to make things fair. Life is not fair. Circumstances changed for my parents and my youngest sisters get the benefit of that, anymore than they should be jealous that when I graduated from college my grandmother paid my way on a cruise with her as a gift, but she won’t be able to do that for them. There are no hard feelings and I don’t think things need to be equal between siblings when circumstances aren’t.

[J-rap]

It sounds like you've already made up your mind, but I thought I'd add my 2 cents.  I'd be really happy for my kids if they had an opportunity like that!  Wanting them to only have that special opportunity if they could go with you makes it more about you.  (At the same time, I really do understand your feelings!)   And of course, it depends on whether you like the family and trust them. :)

 

We would never in a million years have been able to go on a trip like that with our family when all of our kids were young and at home.  In recent years, however, we've been able to do more, and I could see inviting a close friend of one of our children to go on a trip with us sometime.  I would feel horrified if the parents of the friend thought of us and our family as spoiled, thoughtless, entitled, wanting to pawn our children off on a friend so we could ditch them, etc., just because we extended the invitation.  We are none of those things.  

 

When our oldest dc's were teens, they were invited by friends' families to go on a couple of nice trips.  They were sweet families who did not have a spoiled air about them at all.  My kids didn't suddenly change into spoiled, entitled kids who from then on became disappointed in our low-cost camping trips.  It was a great experience and I was really happy for them that they could go.

 

I think some people are over-thinking all of this.

 

 

Edited November 29, 2017 by J-rap

[Junie]

It’s more that I’m upset that this is a “thing.†DH and I have talked a LOT about how this family *always* has to have friends there for the kids. Like, if one kid is going to have a friend sleep over, they will call us right up so the other kid can have a friend too. Or, they will want ds to stay for days and it just seems so excessive to me. Or, like, it can’t just be that ds sleeps over and that’s fun, it’s like there has to be some big entertainment aspect to it, like they have to go to the movies or do lazer tag or whatever.

 

So it’s not that I’m mad they asked. It’s more that I’m annoyed *anyone* thinks this is how family vacations ought to be done. Some of it is just I don’t like the societal direction of kids have to have everything catered up the wazoo.

 

My snappy remark when DH told me of the offer was, “Haven’t they ever heard of a FAMILY vacation?â€

 

I’m also just under a ton or pressure at the moment and I’m not in a good spot.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

Thinking further about this--it sounds like you have a values issue with it as well, and I think that that is worth considering.

 

We have friends that I never really could invite over as families after a certain age, because their kids became totally addicted to video games and would have suffered withdrawal symptoms at our house, LOL.  They would have been bored out of their minds, they were not good company to anyone who was not the same way, and they couldn't have entertained themselves with what we had here--the great yard for imaginative or nature play, or conversations, or board games, lots of great and/or unusual craft supplies, toys, or anything else.  

 

And, I don't fail to have a big gaming set up out of poverty.  Rather, it's out of a values issue with it.  Ditto for cable TV or even for a very large TV.  So if DD visits a home where those are normal, which is many of our friends' norm, it's unlikely that she will have a good time, and she would be utterly unable to reciprocate in any way that those friends would enjoy.  It's a values issue and a cultural clash.  And I think that that is unfortunate but valid.

Edited November 28, 2017 by Carol in Cal.

[SKL]

There are some things I prefer for my kids to do first with me.  That said, I think it is nice they are inviting your kid.  I feel a bit attacked by your tone.

 

I have invited a friend of my kids to do some expensive things.  I know the parents can't easily reciprocate with a costly experience, but they do other things that I really appreciate, like picking up my kid from bowling every week last Spring when I could not have taken that much time off work.  I do realize there is some discomfort for the parents, so I don't go all crazy all the time, but at some level, this is what I can do that makes all 3 kids happy.  And I much prefer it over having sleepovers and such, because hosting is not my talent.

 

So here's the deal.  Some people have more money than other people.  It doesn't make them assholes.  You already know they have more money, so their offering to do something for your kid isn't about them showing off.  They also know you have less money, and they are inviting anyway, so obviously they do not care if you don't reciprocate.  Maybe it would make you feel better if you considered that your allowing them to treat your son is helpful to them - it may be the easiest way for them to provide good social opportunities for their kids.  I'm sure many will read that with judgment, but maybe try looking at it a bit more charitably.

 

And yes, I am probably raising spoiled, entitled brats.  I am not going to deny experiences to myself just because some people think it's gonna taint my kids.  It will all come out in the wash - either my kids will be hard-working, decent humans, or they won't.  I'm pretty sure that's also true for kids who never leave their home town, but whatever.

 

That all said - say no if you don't want your son to do that activity without you.  I'm that way about some things.  Like watching really good classic movies.  Or any major milestone.  I get that.  But don't hate on the family who is offering.

Edited November 28, 2017 by SKL

[gardenmom5]

 

 

I am also just jealous that they can not only do a trip like this for their family, something I have wanted to do always, but that they can also just tack on two extra kids so their own kids will have a constant friend at all times.

 

I feel like they are out-classing us, or showing us up, in a way.

 

I see two separate things here.   (or possibly three)

you want your son to do some of these things with your own family.  so - when you have a snowpocalypse, keep him home and do things with your family.  you are not obligated to say "yes" to everything they ask your son to join them in doing.

 

you admit you are jealous they can afford to do this trip.  so, it is something you want, you just can't afford it.

 

unless they post to the "rich kids of __instagam". . . . I doubt they are trying to "show you up".   but rather they are in an income bracket where they don't' give the extra expense a thought.  during times of extreme financial difficultly in my life (tbh: we were below the poverty level), I had one friend saying _ oh, you should sign __ up for ___ activity.   for them, a normal middle class two parent income family (even today, would be <$200K in a high cola), it was no big deal. at that time for me, it wasn't even in my dreams.

 

have you ever had a kid with you from a much lower income family when you took your kids to a movie/activity? to McDs/ice-cream?   something that would be a huge deal for them, but you wouldn't even give it a thought because the extra $20 wasn't a big deal?  or irl do you only socialize with your exact income level?

 

I'd be more wondering why they feel they must bring along other children to entertain their own children.   as a parent, I'd want to be doing things with my kids.

we have taken other kids with us on things at times, sometimes a bigger group is more fun.

 

and for the "not traveling somewhere exotic because what are you supposed to do when you get married" . . .uh, I don't see it.  or rather I do see what you are saying, but don't think that's a big deal.  they'll find something.  But I'm not one who thinks every next thing must be bigger and snazzier.  sometimes, less IS 'more'.

2dd lived in SA, and went back to visit a friend and tour macchu piccu and a few other things.  her dream  vaca at the time.  when she got married, they didn't have time for a honeymoon.  they still did some things later (not exotic, and included camping in the back of their suv a couple nights), and they still had a good time being together. - which is the bigger point of that time.

 

[Tess in the Burbs]

I find it weird.  I have 2 teens.  We love to travel.  (we travel cheap by the way)  I don't want a friend along for them.  I want it to be OUR family.  I want them to have great memories of the family time we spent together doing fun adventures.  It sounds like the parents don't want to hang out with their own kids.  

 

I remember at some point our family started allowing friends to come to the beach with us.  But I realize now it was so dad could go golfing and we would be occupied all day.  

 

I think it's fine for these people to do their extravagant life.  It's fine they want their kids to bring a friend.  They don't seem to be expecting you to reciprocate.  Don't be jealous, it's how they prioritize their money/time.  It might all be on credit!   But say no if you don't want your kid to go.  

personally I would be torn about saying no.  If I couldn't afford that opportunity but someone is offering it to my child...I don't want to be the one to say no.  But if it's affecting your own family's time/travel schedule then just say no and go do your own thing.  

 

ETA:  I have had the opportunity to do things for kids whose families would never do it for them in the last few years.  First, the kids were super excited about these new opportunities for the most part.  Second, I was never trying to make the mom feel bad.  In some cases it was just easier to bring along than try to change plans and not bring them.  I agree with another poster that they offer something different than you do when their kid hangs with your family.  It doesn't have to equal $$ signs.  

Edited November 28, 2017 by tess in the burbs

[Arcadia]

I think it is not so much the extravagant aspect but your 12 year old being rope in as kind of a de facto “babysitterâ€/companion to your friend’s child by your friend.

 

If your son is best buddies and the invites came from the child instead of the parent, it might feel different. If my kid call someone to come over and play because he is bored, it is different from me calling the same someone over to play with my kid because my kid is bored.

 

I'd be more wondering why they feel they must bring along other children to entertain their own children. as a parent, I'd want to be doing things with my kids.

we have taken other kids with us on things at times, sometimes a bigger group is more fun.

For laser tag and movies, my DS12 would be happy to bring along a buddy as DS11 prefers different movies and isn’t into laser tag. So we would have paid for a friend or two if the occasion arise.

Amusement parks is another place that my kids rather pair with a buddy then pair with a parent. They like different rides and they prefer to ride with a buddy than solo.

[Jean in Newcastle]

We ran into this with a neighbor.  We allowed some but drew the line when it started to be constant.  For us, it was about family ties in a "hold onto your kids" sort of way.  We wanted our kids to look to us as a family unit as their most important influence and not to another family unit, as nice as they were.  It was also a values thing for us.  Their choices were not wrong - they just weren't skewed in a direction that we value because they were geared more to "things" and not to "relationship". 

[SKL]

Another thing.  We are all raising entitled kids if having stuff and experiences causes that.  Our kids get an education, wear shoes, relieve themselves in indoor toilets, have technology, and don't have to go dig in garbage dumps to earn enough money to eat.  Our kids don't have to actually work to satisfy their needs until they are 18 or older.  If entitlement is dangerous for kids, we're all in the same boat.

[Annie G]

I’m also just under a ton or pressure at the moment and I’m not in a good spot.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry. 

 

I wonder if you're concerned that this kind of stuff might lead your son to feel discontented with stuff he does with your family.   Your beach vacation is clearly a highlight for your family but if he gets used to jet setting off to foreign lands will he still cherish the time at the beach house just hanging out with cousins? 

 

Or having a friend or two over for a sleepover won't be very fun when he's used to action packed sleepovers at his friend's house? 

 

Because that I can understand. We live below our means and choose entertainment carefully.   A couple of weeks ago we watched our favorite football team play a game. On our tv at home.  I made chili AND a dessert. It was a great afternoon!

Our nephew went to the game with his girlfriend's family. They FLEW to the game, had excellent seats, went out for a fabulous meal after, and flew back home. The boy is 16 and this is a pretty typical weekend for him.  I don't have any envy over that kind of thing but if he was my kid it would make me wonder if long term it's good or not. Maybe it is...I just have an unsettled feeling about it. 

 

And again, I'm sorry you're stressed. That doesn't help. 

 

ETA: If we were expecting to be snowed in for a few days and someone asked dh if my kid could come over, you bet he'd say yes!!!! He'd think he did a great thing by giving me a break. And he would be right. But clearly you didn't want that break. 

Edited November 28, 2017 by Annie G

[MinivanMom]

I was very poor growing up. The only reason I was ever able to go on vacations or to shows or to eat at restaurants or a million other middle-class things was because friends or extended family invited me along and paid my way. I never felt pitied or like I was an object lesson. Those families loved me and enjoyed having me along. So my natural prejudice is that an invitation is positive, and I wouldn't want my kids to miss out.

 

However, when my oldest daughter was about 9 or 10, she became *best friends* with a little girl A whose family always had to have friends along for their kids. I was happy for dd to have a best friend that she really connected with, and I sent dd along without a thought. But they issued a lot of invitations and dd wound up saying no a lot, because dd had a life and activities of her own. She couldn't just move into their home for days on end. Then a new little girl B moved into the neighborhood, and dd was dropped unceremoniously for this new girl. The new girl was poorer. She had no activities of her own. Her family couldn't afford to take her on vacation. This family swooped her up and made her their daughter A's new best friend. She spent endless days at their home, tagging along to everything from family vacations to every.single.soccer.practice. that girl A had. 

 

My daughter was crushed, but chose to step back from both girls. At first I thought it was a tween friend dynamic, just one of those unfortunate things. And probably there had always been a gap in family culture between our two families since we don't feel that our kids need to be with their friends constantly. But as time went by and I watched the intense friendship between girl A and girl B, it became obvious that this family had never really wanted a friend for their daughter A. They had wanted a constant companion at her beck and call. And they did not care that the friendship and the whole world revolved around their own precious daughter. Anyone should feel privileged to stay at their house for days on end, tagging along to A's soccer practices and acting as an appendage to her life. They did not care what the friend gave up or what the other family lost. It was pure selfishness. A few years later, the family moved and dropped the friendship with girl B flat. They made no effort to maintain contact. Out of sight, out of mind. And girl B was crushed.

 

So, I think that everyone is sort of talking past each other here. There can be situations where one family invites a child along, because they truly enjoy the child, and the relationship is healthy and reciprocal. But there can also be situations where one family selfishly pulls a child in with no thought at all for the child or for the other family. I don't know which it is here, but I do see some red-flags in what Quill has described.

 

And I wouldn't let my 12-yr-old go on an international trip with non-relatives regardless of the dynamics in the relationship.

[gardenmom5]

I don't disagree with you.

 

But, I have known a few families who were wealthy, had nice big houses, great vacations every year, all nice things. Their kids understood - their parents explained - that not everyone had the same things they did... but the kids ended up pitying those who didn't have what they took for granted.  So the relationship is unbalanced.  Who wants a friend who feels sorry for them because they don't have a pool, don't have their own gaming system that doesn't have to be shared with siblings...?  

 

That's not to say no one should have nice things or more than anyone else. That's just real life.  But I don't think it's as easy as wealthy parents teaching their kids that others live differently.   Or maybe it's the way they teach it.

 

that's a failure of the parents to get through to their kids that money doens't dictate someone's worth, that's innate.  pitying others for having less money than them - is still snobbery.  And there are things of value that have nothing to do with money.

I associate with a broad spectrum of incomes.  I've know generous wealthy types with no guile (and some totally clueless), and covetous poor types who only talk about how __ has more than them. (and look down on, and even disparage, those with less than themselves.)

 

I have a child who is brilliant.  (and had a tendency to intellectual snobbery)  I spent a lot of time (bending over backwards) trying to get them to see things from another pov.  to understand just becasue someone couldn't keep up with them intellectually   - didn't mean those people didn't have something else to offer,  or talents/abilities, they didn't.  not everything is about "money".  or intellect.

to recognize - it's not what someone "has", but what they do with it, and what kind of person they are.

[Zebra]

It’s more that I’m upset that this is a “thing.†DH and I have talked a LOT about how this family *always* has to have friends there for the kids. Like, if one kid is going to have a friend sleep over, they will call us right up so the other kid can have a friend too. Or, they will want ds to stay for days and it just seems so excessive to me. Or, like, it can’t just be that ds sleeps over and that’s fun, it’s like there has to be some big entertainment aspect to it, like they have to go to the movies or do lazer tag or whatever.

 

So it’s not that I’m mad they asked. It’s more that I’m annoyed *anyone* thinks this is how family vacations ought to be done. Some of it is just I don’t like the societal direction of kids have to have everything catered up the wazoo.

 

My snappy remark when DH told me of the offer was, “Haven’t they ever heard of a FAMILY vacation?â€

 

I’m also just under a ton or pressure at the moment and I’m not in a good spot.

I see what you're saying.   Having to have a super fun over the top party party party all the time is excessive.   

 

My only is a teen, and I got accused of "having a party" every time dd's friends come over because I let them eat $3 frozen pizza and watch an entire movie on Netflix every time they are here for the whole day.   

 

So, that's where I am coming from.... :laugh: .    I'm just used to excessive partying  :leaving: .

[justasque]

...

I’m also just under a ton or pressure at the moment and I’m not in a good spot.

 

:grouphug:

 

...

have you ever had a kid with you from a much lower income family when you took your kids to a movie/activity? to McDs/ice-cream?   something that would be a huge deal for them, but you wouldn't even give it a thought because the extra $20 wasn't a big deal?  

...

 

When my kids were younger, I'd often scoop up extra kids when I was going on an Afternoon Outing. My kids enjoyed sharing their experiences with their friends, and I enjoyed being able to offer something to the friends and their families.  I don't play the "keep score" game, with friends or between siblings.  I think it breeds resentment more than contentment.  But often the friends' families did something that benefited me or my family somewhere down the line.  Maybe they couldn't do field trips because they worked, but they could send a snack when our kids played together.  Maybe they sent hand-me-downs.  Maybe they helped me think though a decision, or listened to me when I was feeling upset about something.  Or maybe, when I had their kid(s) for the day, they did something for the community, or for someone else, and I was glad to be a small part of making that happen

 

One time in particular, I was able to take two friends to a Big Academic Event.  Their parents would have never have taken them, and didn't even realize the importance of the opportunity that their children had worked hard (academically) to earn.  I paid for the hotel, the meals, the gas, and took them on two college tours on the theory that the more colleges you see, the better idea you have of what it's all about.  My kids have had opportunities that I didn't, just like my parents had opportunities that their parents did not.  Our family has moved from street traders to solidly middle class over several generations.  I want to bring others along with us, if they are interested.  It's my way of passing on that which my children and I have benefited from.    

 

You never know what experience will spark an interest, or change someone's goals or vision for themselves in  positive way.  

Edited November 28, 2017 by justasque

[kiwik]

Well, maybe sorta, but also, how much can any family really have those discussions, especially if that is also normal to the parents? So, for example, because my DH is a builder, we live in a big, nice house. To me, having grown up poor, it is a mind-blowing nice house. But my kids, especially the youngst, has always lived in this house. He has never shared a bedroom with a sibling, has never had to negotiate what to watch on the single TV, has never lacked simple things like closet space or a place for the Legos to go. To me, all these things are wonderful luxuries, but to him, it’s just living normally in a house he perceives as normal. So, I mean, I’m not going to preach to him every day abou how good he has it that his house does not embarrass him and that there is space and privacy for him to live in a high degree of comfort.

 

He has heard stories of sharing a bedroom with two other siblings. But it would still probably surprise him to go to a friend’s house where that is the sleeping situation. Hopefully, he wouldn’t say anything that makes him sound like a snobby kid who has always lived in a spacios house, but if he did, it would be because he thinks that is “normal,†if only because the large majority of friends and family whose houses he has been in are like this.

Yes and my kids who know we don't have much money wouldn't understand not having heating (when ds10 was little we only had heating 3 hours a day but he doesn't remember), or enough food, or internet. What you know is normal to you unless you are shown otherwise.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I know a family like this. They don't see the bonus friends as a luxury, IOW they're not showing off or spoiling their dc or anything negative. This is just how they're raising their two kids, who are a boy and a girl six years apart. These kids' friends are all treated as close as cousins, and it's of benefit to the parents to have other children for their kids to enjoy experiences with, without having birthed them...the parents also like to take vacations with other families, so they can bring their own friends, too! They are close as an immediate family unit, lots of traditions and good values, but they also like a lot of people in their lives all the time.

 

We did back away from a close friendship, because while I truly believe they didn't expect reciprocation, we couldn't keep up with them financially on any level. Not only could we never entertain their kids in kind, but we were quickly becoming the poor friends who skip a meal on Saturday to afford the party the night before. We were not really able to spontaneously go to restaurants, or take a extra day off for a camping trip, etc. but such expenses were part of their routine.

 

My ideal family friends would have the open, generous, social heart of these friends, but with a budget closer to mine...sadly, my other friends with less means have decided that most things should be "just family." They are kind people but they don't value community as much. I don't think community should only be for the Disney crowd.

 

I forget what my point was.

 

Oh, wait, it was this: I would hope you could get to the place where you acknowledge a mismatch without assigning motives, Quill, they might not intend to cause all these conflicting your head. As others have said, this is just their culture, and they are probably thankful for their kids' friends who help to make life fun for their children.

[bettyandbob]

I don't think entitled attitudes have anything to do with the amount of stuff or how expensive vacations are. That suggests all children in wealthy families are entitled.

 

I think some kids are actually hard wired toward entitled attitudes and some are not. I saw a bit of this from my 2E DS. My DD has never acted entitled to anything, but her brother sure did and drove me crazy for a few years. This is a kid that did not have fabulous vacations, did not have a game system, he acquired a smart phone at the end of college. He has grown out of the attitude, but he's also an adult attending grad school at his own expense. He had to have done experience at work and elsewhere to unlearn his attitude. I don't know if part of ds problem was when he was younger he knew some very wealthy children and thought he should just have stuff too. We didn't over indulge.

 

We have friends who are in much higher income brackets. Their kids have gone to amazing places and have nice things. Yet those young people were very nice as children and have grown into some great young adults.

 

I also know wealthy people who provide all those nice things and their kids expect it. I think the difference is the attitudes fostered by parents and how the kids are wired.