Would you be bothered? Extravagant friends

[Ginevra]

Maybe I am wrong to be bothered about this, but nevertheless, I am bothered. Friends of ours often invite DS(12) to do things with their family, because they want their son to have a peer/friend along for activities. (just for information, child has a sibling; he is not an only child.) Even this somewhat bothers me, though I go along with it. These are usually things like going to a themepark for the day or some other smallish activity. It bothers me in part because I know I will probably not ever reciprocate for multiple reasons, chiefly; I am not a “more-the-merrierâ€person. But it also bothers me because I want the majority of those fun memories to be with our family. In one instance, for example, the family had my son over because we were expecting a big snow-in. This was not extravagant, of course, but it just bothered me that he wasn’t part of our family experience of the snow-in. If I say, “Remember that big Snowpacalypse...oh, wait; you weren’t here.â€

 

Anyway, the dad called DH yesterday to see if ds could go on a Big Extravagant Vacation to a Place I Could Never Afford. Fortunately, DH wasn’t keen on it and said probably not, but he would see what I thought. Frankly, I think HELLZ TO THE NO. This upsets me on many levels. NO, I don’t want the most fantastic vacation my young son has ever been on to be with someone else’s family. I don’t want him 80 jillion miles away from us. I don’t want him to accept a gift I could not reciprocate in my dizziest daydream. It bothers me that this is why, when people say kids these days are SO entitled, this is why! When you go the Paradise with friends when you are 12/13, what do you do when you get married? I am also just jealous that they can not only do a trip like this for their family, something I have wanted to do always, but that they can also just tack on two extra kids so their own kids will have a constant friend at all times. I feel like they are out-classing us, or showing us up, in a way.

 

I’m just really bothered by this. 😑

[AnneBlessedx4]

I would be bothered and I would not allow it. I totally agree with you.

[meganrussell]

I have always felt that my kids don't need a "constant friend" hanging out with them all the time. It's good to have friends, yes, but I agree - I want the memories to be with *our* family.

 

I also would not want my children going on extravagant trips with friends families. I also agree that kids these days are entitled, and it's mostly the parents fault!

 

So I guess I'm just mainly saying I AGREE with you. (As usual).

[marbel]

I agree with you.  I can't give a logical reason; it's more an emotional thing, I think.  Your reasons are good.  I would also say no to that.  

 

ETA: I don't like the trend of taking friends on vacation. To me that is family time. My kids are pretty typical; they get along sometimes but they also bicker, have times of disliking each other. When we go away, though, they become best friends again.  There's no reason to add other people to the mix.

 

ETA2: I don't really see this as an entitlement thing.  Some people get big nice trips; some don't.  I see it as more of a family culture thing.  Taking a friend to a museum or a theme park for a day, is, to me, quite different from going on a trip. 

Edited November 28, 2017 by marbel

[Serenade]

I'm probably weird, but I'd be glad that my son could have the opportunity since I could not afford to do it myself.  I'd still be envious, though. 

 

I do get where your coming from.  I remember not wanting my son to go to Washington, DC with the Boy Scouts because I wanted him to go with our family first, to experience it with family, like I did as a child.  However, in the end, he was either going to go with Scouts or not go at all. 

[DawnM]

No, it would not bother me.  I was an only child and my parents would invite other kids along so I wouldn't be so lonely.  

[DawnM]

I have always felt that my kids don't need a "constant friend" hanging out with them all the time. It's good to have friends, yes, but I agree - I want the memories to be with *our* family.

 

I also would not want my children going on extravagant trips with friends families. I also agree that kids these days are entitled, and it's mostly the parents fault!

 

So I guess I'm just mainly saying I AGREE with you. (As usual).

 

Going on nice trips or even having nice things doesn't make a child entitled.....

[mommyoffive]

I agree with your thinking on some it.   I know my aunt did this for her 3 kids growing up.  Always letting them each bring a friend when they went on a trip outside of the country. 

 

It wouldn't work for me.  I am just like you, I want my kid to be part of our family memories. 

 

But I don't agree that traveling to places makes children entitled.  At least I hope not, because than I am going to have a bunch of horrible kids.   I travel and and I don't feel that I am entitled. 

But I am realistic when we travel.  I say no to things, we talk about how much this costs, and how lucky they are to have the chance to do it. 

[Jen500]

No, it wouldn't bother me at all.

If my son enjoyed the activities and enjoyed the friend's company I'd want him to go and have fun. My son is that age and he's very social and prefers doing things with a friend or two.

[DawnM]

I'm probably weird, but I'd be glad that my son could have the opportunity since I could not afford to do it myself.  I'd still be envious, though. 

 

I do get where your coming from.  I remember not wanting my son to go to Washington, DC with the Boy Scouts because I wanted him to go with our family first, to experience it with family, like I did as a child.  However, in the end, he was either going to go with Scouts or not go at all. 

 

We did the BSA DC trip, but the entire families were invited.  We have friends who live in the area and stayed with them.  We would have camped but it was really bad weather and we are wimps.  

[lamppost]

Wow. Can't you just politely decline? I mean, if you want your son to experience a snowy day with your family rather than his friends', just say so. Being extended an invitation doesn't mean you're obligated to accept. Grudgingly accepting and then complaining about what you've missed out on seems like a very odd way to handle it.

If you declined these invitations on behalf of your son, the other family would probably move on to invite a different friend, perhaps one who will happily accept and appreciate the experience unreservedly.

As a kid I would have loved the opportunities your son has been offered. I have more resources now as an adult, and I often invite my friends' kids to join us to use our memberships at theme parks, museums, etc. Often people accept, sometimes they decline, but we always have a great time with whoever can join us. If I knew one of them had a problem with me extending the invitations, I would stop. Certainly I would want to know if someone who accepted invitations actually resented it!

[DawnM]

And on another note, my friend, who hates Disney (how we are friends is beyond me!  :lol:  J/K), asked me to take HER kids with us when we went.

I actually said no because I really need vacations to be relaxing for me, and taking a kid who isn't ours would stress me out.  

[almondbutterandjelly]

I wouldn't be upset by it, but I do think 12/13 is too young to be away on a long trip with another family that isn't related to me.  I don't mind the occasional theme park thing (sometimes people have season passes and can bring a friend for free  -- we did that once with my dd's friend) or fun activity that I couldn't/wouldn't provide.  I would be grateful that she had such fun opportunities.

 

However, I do have an only child, so I suspect that makes a huge difference in how I view this.

[Elizabeth86]

I honestly didn't read all you had to say, but yes I would be bothered. Right or wrong, I dunno but Inwould be bothered. I am a bit of a jealous person though and I too want to be the one to have fun with my kids. I feel another way when my kids are 12, but my oldest just turned 6. When I was growing up I chose to be home with my family over friends any day, so secretly hoping ny kids are the same because I don't get it. I never just went to the mall with friends or had them over to hang out or whatever. I was just too introverted. My big spending sister is constantly saying all the things wd "have to do someday" and honestly I just don't want to do things like that with her. That's her way of bonding, like there is nothing more with her, she wants just fun and extravagance with them. I feel if she were truly generous she'd just be like here are 5 tickets to the amusement park, enjoy, you deserve it, but it always has to be about her doing something fun. She puts forth nothing into a relationship with then besides spending a lot if money on rediculous toys and what not.

 

Sorry that turned into a personal vent, but I totally get how you feel. You only have so much time with them and I couldn't imagine the other family always wanting him to tag along. I wouldn't want that no matter how much money I had. I just don't really enjoy other people's kids. :lol:

[mom2scouts]

I have a different point of view. If another family wants and is able to provide opportunities to my children that I would not be able to provide, I would be appreciative. We'll have plenty of happy family memories and jokes. You'll be surprised about what your kids remember as happy times! When my oldest son was a teen, one of his best friends took him to Colorado for a week long skiing trip. That's something I couldn't do and it was fun and a great experience for him, but it didn't make him feel entitled and it wasn't the greatest memory of his life. I wouldn't want all my child's fun activities to be with another family, but I wouldn't deny them great opportunities just because I wanted to be the one who provided them.

[rainbowmama]

This wouldn't upset me, and the offer would tempt me, though I would definitely feel guilty knowing I couldn't reciprocate and feel hesitant about letting the child go with an unrelated family so young. I did not have a honeymoon when I got married: we went to the court house and then he went to work. I've traveled very little as an adult due to the costs of having kids, and I'm grateful that I had a couple of opportunities to travel as a child. Who knows if my child would ever have an opportunity like this? 

[MysteryJen]

I might be bothered, but I understand. My dh was a caboose baby and his parents always invited a friends for him at that age. It made the vacation fun for everyone. If my kid was really good friends with the other kid, I would definitely let them go. My personal feelings shouldn't prevent my kids from having a great experience.

 

My kids traveled on very nice vacations with their grandparents and had wonderful experiences that I couldn't have given them. 

 

Nice vacations are part of being lucky, not entitled.

[Guest]

Wow. Can't you just politely decline? I mean, if you want your son to experience a snowy day with your family rather than his friends', just say so. Being extended an invitation doesn't mean you're obligated to accept. Grudgingly accepting and then complaining about what you've missed out on seems like a very odd way to handle it.

 

If you declined these invitations on behalf of your son, the other family would probably move on to invite a different friend, perhaps one who will happily accept and appreciate the experience unreservedly.

 

As a kid I would have loved the opportunities your son has been offered. I have more resources now as an adult, and I often invite my friends' kids to join us to use our memberships at theme parks, museums, etc. Often people accept, sometimes they decline, but we always have a great time with whoever can join us. If I knew one of them had a problem with me extending the invitations, I would stop. Certainly I would want to know if someone who accepted invitations actually resented it!

Yes, I can politely decline. For this Big Vacation, we will politely decline. I don’t typically decline the smaller day things because it’s nice that he has the opportunity. With the snow-in, had I been asked directly, I would have politely declined, but the dad asked DH and DH accepted, unaware that I would be displeased. So I went aling with it.

 

There isn’t a world where I am going to directly say, “stop inviting DS to fun things because I want his fun memories to be prodominently with OUR family.†I know some people will never see it like that. And I know there is a big trend of bringing a friend along for each kid; it bothers me in other contexts, too, that have little to do with my own kids, like when their cousins bring a friend to things that would have been extended family events. So, my kids aren’t interacting with their cousins much because the cousin already brought their own built-in buddy.

[mommyoffive]

This wouldn't upset me, and the offer would tempt me, though I would definitely feel guilty knowing I couldn't reciprocate and feel hesitant about letting the child go with an unrelated family so young. I did not have a honeymoon when I got married: we went to the court house and then he went to work. I've traveled very little as an adult due to the costs of having kids, and I'm grateful that I had a couple of opportunities to travel as a child. Who knows if my child would ever have an opportunity like this? 

 

That is the other side of it.  I would feel guilty with holding that from my kid, if I couldn't give them the opportunity myself.   But such is life right?  We can't give our kids everything. 

[Laura Corin]

The 'creating memories not with my family' wouldn't worry me (there will be other memories) but I would be concerned if I didn't want to invite the child back.  It wouldn't be a question of the monetary value of the invitations, but just because I wouldn't be reciprocating (on my own terms).

[DawnM]

Maybe I am wrong to be bothered about this, but nevertheless, I am bothered. Friends of ours often invite DS(12) to do things with their family, because they want their son to have a peer/friend along for activities. (just for information, child has a sibling; he is not an only child.) Even this somewhat bothers me, though I go along with it. These are usually things like going to a themepark for the day or some other smallish activity. It bothers me in part because I know I will probably not ever reciprocate for multiple reasons, chiefly; I am not a “more-the-merrierâ€person. But it also bothers me because I want the majority of those fun memories to be with our family. In one instance, for example, the family had my son over because we were expecting a big snow-in. This was not extravagant, of course, but it just bothered me that he wasn’t part of our family experience of the snow-in. If I say, “Remember that big Snowpacalypse...oh, wait; you weren’t here.â€

 

Anyway, the dad called DH yesterday to see if ds could go on a Big Extravagant Vacation to a Place I Could Never Afford. Fortunately, DH wasn’t keen on it and said probably not, but he would see what I thought. Frankly, I think HELLZ TO THE NO. This upsets me on many levels. NO, I don’t want the most fantastic vacation my young son has ever been on to be with someone else’s family. I don’t want him 80 jillion miles away from us. I don’t want him to accept a gift I could not reciprocate in my dizziest daydream. It bothers me that this is why, when people say kids these days are SO entitled, this is why! When you go the Paradise with friends when you are 12/13, what do you do when you get married? I am also just jealous that they can not only do a trip like this for their family, something I have wanted to do always, but that they can also just tack on two extra kids so their own kids will have a constant friend at all times. I feel like they are out-classing us, or showing us up, in a way.

 

I’m just really bothered by this. 😑

 

 

Quill,

 

I get why you are bothered by this, I really do, and I know it upsets you.  However, I want to just address a few things in your post.

 

1.  They aren't trying to upstage you.  I promise they aren't.  They are really doing this for their son.  2.   it sounds like this isn't a huge deal to them.  It is to you.  While that is ok, I think you are making this more than it needs to be.

3.  I don't think they are looking for reciprocity.   My son was invited to a week at the beach with friends.  He went.  We haven't taken their son out.  I do not feel obligated.

4. What do you do later in life?  Just different things, with someone new.  My honeymoon was not about the destination, I had already been around the world by then.....it was about spending time with my new husband.

5. Please don't think all children who have been to Paris, or on an Alaskan Cruise, or to the International Space Station, are spoiled or entitled.  It just is different.  And that is ok.

6. And please let him go if he wants so.  If it is truly something you can't offer, I don't see the point in holding him back.  This is more about you than him.....at least that is how I am reading it.

 

I know it isn't my child and I can't make the decision, but these are my thoughts on the matter.  I  would say yes for my kid.

[JustEm]

This would not bother me at all. If my kids can get an experience that I know I'll never be able to offer them but another family wants to then I am happy to allow it. This is all assuming I trust the family and am comfortable with the location.

[Lecka]

I went on things like this with my aunt and uncle, to hang out with my cousin.

 

Maybe it's different that we are all related; but I had a nice time; I don't think it ruined anything for me.

 

Cheaper things with my family were still special.

 

I didn't experience it like I was doing something so extravagant. I mean -- I had a nice time, but I knew it was special and I knew it wasn't something I should expect all the time.

 

I think you can have valid reasons for him not to go, but just ime it definitely didn't take anything away from my own family or the specialness of things we did.

 

And my aunt and uncle definitely weren't showing anybody up: that was just the vacations they happened to plan for their family.

[StephanieZ]

Personally, I'm with you on not being a more-the-merrier person and preferring our family experiences to be just family . . .

 

That said, I accept/embrace opportunities for my kids to do special things w/o me/our nuclear family. I don't want my pride or my desire to be the one who spoils them to get in the way of them having other good experiences. 

 

My mom took my kids (individually) on extravagant trips beginning as soon as they were old enough to be away from us for extended periods (around age 6, as they knew Mom very well as she visited and we visited her frequently). She took my oldest to Iceland, Canada, Yellowstone, Chicago, etc, etc . . . About one trip each year until her Alzheimer's prevented more trips . . . And same for my younger kids. My (childless) brother has embraced the "fun uncle" role and takes them on lavish ski trips, etc. . . . In both cases, these are trips that we couldn't afford financially or time-wise to do ourselves at the time others took our kid(s) on them, but we have/do take our kids on other comparable lovely family trips. It's just that we can't afford to ALSO take these additional trips . . . I admit it stung just a bit at times . . . When the kids took their first big out-west ski trips . . . with my brother, not with us . . . etc. I don't allow my own "sting" to control my actions, though. 

 

I compare the feeling to being "outshined" in gifts at Christmas my grandma/etc. . . I adopted a principle that "Santa brings the best gifts" and I sort of lived by that . . . but also let Grandparents/uncle/etc give the "next most fun" stuff which meant that Mom and Dad gave the more boring gifts (and our kiddos believed in Santa through age 10+!!!). Honestly, I think letting Santa get the glory ("Santa gave me a bow and arrow!!!!!! Mom and Dad would NEVER give me a bow and arrow!!!" -- true quote . . .) for all those years made it easier to now let others get the glory for some of the funner things my kids have done. It's OK. I want my kids to have great experiences and great fun . . . I can let go of my pride . . . and let them get some of that great stuff outside of my control. It's OK for me not to be the center of all good stuff . . .

 

A nice young man (my son's BFF) was taken to New Zealand all expenses paid by a family friend a couple years back . . . (His family can NOT afford that sort of thing and rarely travels, never by plane.) Must have been many thousands of dollars . . . This fall, we took the same young man (now a young adult) to our "fall break" beach trip with our kids, so that my son (in his first semester of college 11 hours away) could hang with him. We also flew the young man in early to spend some days on campus before our trip . . . We paid for all, and it was **our pleasure** to do so. Bringing him was a gift to OUR son, and it was delightful to be able to gift him that. I was/am so happy that the young man allowed us to do that. That's the first time we've ever brought a friend on a family trip, as I'm with you in general about preferring family-only . . . but this was an exceptional situation, and it was lovely. I'm so glad the young man accepted our gift.

 

My kids have each been occasionally invited on a nice trip by a friend's family -- and we've always accepted happily. We've never reciprocated with the same family, and I'm OK with that. I really don't think it's common to reciprocate trips with the same family. Trips are occasional, friendships evolve, etc. So, anyway, if my kid were free and I otherwise felt good about the trip (safety, etc.), then I'd accept the gift of the trip, assuming the idea to bring MY kid was really for the convenience of the parents (having a playmate to entertain and/or the other presence to keep my kid on good behavior, etc.) and/or as a "gift" to the other family's child, and with knowing I had no duty to reciprocate, other than with expressing appropriate thanks, etc. 

 

So, anyway, if the trip is one that you and dh would otherwise feel OK about your kid taking (safety/supervision/etc.), then I'd let them go. 

 

ETA: ps. I realize I forgot to address the day trips issue. I *always* pay for kid-guests on any family outing. I just treat extras as "my kids" for the day, including all expenses paid. I don't assume others will do this for my kids when they are invited places (and so I send $$), but I do enjoy doing it for other kids when we invite them. This is simply because we *do* have some family friends who are less spend-y than we are when it comes to day trips, etc, so those kids might not be able to join us at the pool or whatever if we didn't offer to pay. I don't think it's fair/nice to invite a kid to spend $40 for the day -- or for their parent to have to spend it -- to spend with MY family. Essentially, I think it's no fair for a parent to have to spend $$$ just so their kid can have fun with MY family. I mean, if they're gonna spend $40 on an amusement park, shouldn't they get the fun of being with their kid (and the glory for providing the fun)? So, anyway, yes, I am very frequently the parent who takes other people's kids out and spoils them. That's because we are just more spend-y than most families in our locality. If I invite your kid, please let me pay, and surely don't keep your kid home just because you don't want us to spend for them. If I minded, or even *noticed* the extra expense, I wouldn't invite your kid. My 20 year old has a dear friend (roomie) whose family lives nearby campus, so dd20 spends a lot of time at their family home (we are 11 hours away). They go to amusement parks, meals out, meals in, movies, etc. The dad insists on paying for dd20 everywhere/everything. I think they have my same principle of "kid"-guest = extra kid of mine . . . It's sweet, and I just look for ways to reciprocate in other ways, since we'll never have the opportunity to exactly reciprocate in the way they provide things for our dd. People like to be generous. LET THEM. IMHO.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 28, 2017 by StephanieZ

[8circles]

I don't like the invite a friend to everything thing. 

 

I'm not opposed to it once in a while. But when it becomes an invitation for ev.ry.thing. I get really irritated.

 

I understand that some people always think the more the merrier. I understand that some families work better with another child in the mix. I don't think people who are of this mindset ever IME think about other families that don't work this way.

 

I don't want my kids to be part of another family when they are 12. I think that it can get to a point where there are so many experiences with another family that it significantly affects their actual family and that's not usually in a good way. It would be nice if this was understood by the inviting family.

[Critterfixer]

It wouldn't bother me, but I also wouldn't think twice about declining the invitation. That's what invitations are for--just asking, and you should feel comfortable saying yes or no as you see fit. Whatever your reasons. In this case, it would be that the vacation is so far from home and both you and your DH are uncomfortable with it. 

[bettyandbob]

Dh would ask before accepting anything. We would not have done the snow thing. There's no reason to stays days at a time with a friend. Honestly, if I'd gotten stuck in a snowstorm when I was a kid, as soon as the snow stopped my dad would have been in his truck to come get me.

 

If I knew the family and was comfortable, I would allow extravagant vacations.

 

I see no point in spending multiple days at friend's house, but I won't refuse an opportunity for my dc to go to WDW, experience an adventure in a National Park out west or whatever great opportunity comes up.

[Rachel]

I get what you are saying, I would feel the same way. We have a good friend who has grown children. She loves my kids and will invite them over to do all the fun messy crafts with my kids. At first I was jealous that she got those times with my kids, but then I realized I don’t have the stress of the mess and it really wouldn’t be fun for my kids to do those crafts with me.

 

I would definitely decline the big vacation. Maybe you can reframe your thinking about your son. Maybe when he grows up he will say, “wow, my parents were really great to allow me to hang out with my buddy so often.†In other words you are allowing a friendship to deepen and flourish.

[ebrindam]

I wouldn't be jealous that others can give my son that opportunity, so that wouldn't factor in to my decision. Would my DS want to go? Am I comfortable with this family taking him away for so long/such distance? 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

I’d have to think it through. But I’m more likely to say yes and be happy my kid got to do something really fun he might not otherwise get to do.

[meganrussell]

Going on nice trips or even having nice things doesn't make a child entitled.....

Oh I know! My kids do get to go on nice trips and have nice things, too. But when it seems like it's expected and not appreciated, that's when it's entitlement.

[KungFuPanda]

I don’t know. I try not to say “no†when “yes†is just as healthy. I don’t like to deny my kids experiences when the alternative is hanging around the house. That’s every day. They have PLENTY of hanging around the house memories since they were homeschooled. A middle schooler goes to camp for full weeks, so a family vacation seems less risky than that.

 

This other family never expects you to reciprocate. I’m guessing these adventures are just easier for THEM when their son has a friend along that he really clicks with. It would be different if you had the same trip planned next year and you wanted to wait. A lot of life is grabbing random opportunities as they present themselves instead of defaulting to your own living room all the time. That may be great for extreme introverts, but can be a bit of a prison sentence for a more social person.

[Guest]

Going on nice trips or even having nice things doesn't make a child entitled.....

I disgree; I see very often how kids who have certain nice amenities think these are just the things that “everybody†has/does. Like one of my nephews, who, upon realizing that DS has only an iPOD, remarked, “You only have an iPOD?! I have an iPhone 7!†Or a few years ago, girls talking about how another girl’s boots were “FUggs†- Fake Uggs. Or another time when a kid told my kid that “7 friends over is NOT a party. Parties should be, like, 20 friends.†Or name-the-thing: “What do you mean, your internet is limited?†“You don’t have HBO?†“We can’t stream Netflix here?†“There aren’t any snacks? Can’t your mom go get Chick-Fil-A?â€

 

They become entitled simply because they think those things are normal. They aren’t even aware that some people live more modestly just because they choose to. It’s actually one reason I am more comfortable with my homeschooling community, because they are more likely to share my values.

[Word Nerd]

I get why you're bothered and I would be too, but it seems like it has more to do with envy than entitlement.

[edelweiss]

I certainly think that you have the right to decline the invitation to the big vacation if it bothers you.  But I urge you not to resent the invitation or to think that the people are trying to show you up or are thinking that you should reciprocate.

 

I have two daughters who are 2.5 years apart in age, so we have never invited anyone along for our vacations. They are close and like to hang around with each other.  I could definitely see us doing it if this wasn't the case.  If I were to invite another child on a vacation, I would expect to pay all expenses and would do it gladly. And I would never think that anyone would need to reciprocate.  It would be an opportunity for my child to have fun with a friend.  That is all.  

 

As I've said, I have never taken a child on a big vacation, but when friends come over and spend the night or go to the mall with my girls, I always pay for their meals at restaurants, the movies they go to, amusement park visits, etc.  It isn't a hardship for us to do so, so we do it gladly.  I never expect anyone to reciprocate.  In fact, when my daughters go to friends' houses, I always send them with cash, so that they can pay their own way.  So, please don't factor reciprocity into your concerns.  I promise you that there are many people that don't feel that way.

[8circles]

I must admit, I am having a hard time really understanding what bothers you so much about your kid having fun with another family.

 

A couple reasons that are easier to articulate:

 

1) It usually has a cost to my family in some way. It isn't just that one child gets something really cool, but it changes the relationships/dynamic of my family. Sometimes this is OK, mostly it isn't. That's not a risk I take lightly.

 

2) IME it is never a gift without strings. Asking family considers it a one-way gift, not appreciating that I'm gifting my child to them for a time - which frankly, is more valuable than any trip or experience. There is always an expectation of being forever grateful which isn't reciprocated.

 

These are purely from my experience - I understand that this isn't everyone's experience. 

[mommyoffive]

I disgree; I see very often how kids who have certain nice amenities think these are just the things that “everybody†has/does. Like one of my nephews, who, upon realizing that DS has only an iPOD, remarked, “You only have an iPOD?! I have an iPhone 7!†Or a few years ago, girls talking about how another girl’s boots were “FUggs†- Fake Uggs. Or another time when a kid told my kid that “7 friends over is NOT a party. Parties should be, like, 20 friends.†Or name-the-thing: “What do you mean, your internet is limited?†“You don’t have HBO?†“We can’t stream Netflix here?†“There aren’t any snacks? Can’t your mom go get Chick-Fil-A?â€

 

They become entitled simply because they think those things are normal. They aren’t even aware that some people live more modestly just because they choose to. It’s actually one reason I am more comfortable with my homeschooling community, because they are more likely to share my values.

 

I disagree with your idea that kids who go on nice trips are spoiled.  

Your nephew is spoiled because his parents let him be or don't talk to him. 

Same with the girls. 

 

I know some kids can grow up going on nice trips and having lots of things and still not be spoiled.  It is about the parents giving the right talks and examples. 

Telling them that they are lucky to have the chance to travel.  To make them give back.  To stop any talk like the kind you have seen.  To make them work for things.

 

And yes I see a lot of the kids you are talking about.  Ugh I have to hang around a few of them for the next few days.  It makes me want to scratch my eyes out.  I want to make sure my kids don't end up anything like it. 

Edited November 28, 2017 by mommyoffive

[8circles]

I disgree; I see very often how kids who have certain nice amenities think these are just the things that “everybody†has/does. Like one of my nephews, who, upon realizing that DS has only an iPOD, remarked, “You only have an iPOD?! I have an iPhone 7!†Or a few years ago, girls talking about how another girl’s boots were “FUggs†- Fake Uggs. Or another time when a kid told my kid that “7 friends over is NOT a party. Parties should be, like, 20 friends.†Or name-the-thing: “What do you mean, your internet is limited?†“You don’t have HBO?†“We can’t stream Netflix here?†“There aren’t any snacks? Can’t your mom go get Chick-Fil-A?â€

 

They become entitled simply because they think those things are normal. They aren’t even aware that some people live more modestly just because they choose to. It’s actually one reason I am more comfortable with my homeschooling community, because they are more likely to share my values.

 

Yes - I've seen this a lot too.

 

We don't have many of those things and I'm not envious of people that do. I'm irritated by the minimum standard rising so high because I think it's wasteful and unhealthy.

[alisoncooks]

Quill - I could have totally written your first paragraph in the OP. I jealously guard our special family times.

 

I think good arguments have been made for both sides. Best wishes in making the right decision for your family.

[Anne]

I don’t think the entitlement comes from the trips/things - I think it comes from parental attitudes/lack of discussions, etc.

 

My kids had more travel/stuff than many of their peers, but I’m pretty sure they weren’t “entitled†because they did see how most of their friends lived, and because we did a lot of talking about values and what was important, etc.

 

Anne

[Katy]

It wouldn't bother me at all.

 

This is probably because I've spent enough time with people like that to know things are rarely as idyllic as they seem.

 

You see, chances are very high that they don't like their kids and they don't want to spend time alone with them so they are instead filling their lives with other people to keep them busy.

 

It sounds as if you have a legitimate concern that your child is spending so much time with this other family that they are not as connected to YOU, but trips?  Not that big of a deal.

[meganrussell]

I don’t think the entitlement comes from the trips/things - I think it comes from parental attitudes/lack of discussions, etc.

 

My kids had more travel/stuff than many of their peers, but I’m pretty sure they weren’t “entitled†because they did see how most of their friends lived, and because we did a lot of talking about values and what was important, etc.

 

Anne

Yes, I agree with this.

[Bluegoat]

I think this is something that's natural to feel, but I'm not sure it's actually all healthy.

 

If there are things you'd like to do as a family, like a snow day, there is no reason not to do that.  Just say you have plans to do something together.  Or if you have worries about reciprocating, think about what you think their expectation is.  I doubt they have one.

 

But as far as not wanting him to have memories with other people, or experiences with them - I don't think that is how relationships work.  Good relationships, friendships, love - they don't get used up, or make other relationships less.  The chance to have good friends, become part of a second family, have exciting opportunities, does not diminish others, or your family.  Keeping a child from them doesn't make the family stronger.

[Guest]

I don’t think the entitlement comes from the trips/things - I think it comes from parental attitudes/lack of discussions, etc.

 

My kids had more travel/stuff than many of their peers, but I’m pretty sure they weren’t “entitled†because they did see how most of their friends lived, and because we did a lot of talking about values and what was important, etc.

 

Anne

Well, maybe sorta, but also, how much can any family really have those discussions, especially if that is also normal to the parents? So, for example, because my DH is a builder, we live in a big, nice house. To me, having grown up poor, it is a mind-blowing nice house. But my kids, especially the youngst, has always lived in this house. He has never shared a bedroom with a sibling, has never had to negotiate what to watch on the single TV, has never lacked simple things like closet space or a place for the Legos to go. To me, all these things are wonderful luxuries, but to him, it’s just living normally in a house he perceives as normal. So, I mean, I’m not going to preach to him every day abou how good he has it that his house does not embarrass him and that there is space and privacy for him to live in a high degree of comfort.

 

He has heard stories of sharing a bedroom with two other siblings. But it would still probably surprise him to go to a friend’s house where that is the sleeping situation. Hopefully, he wouldn’t say anything that makes him sound like a snobby kid who has always lived in a spacios house, but if he did, it would be because he thinks that is “normal,†if only because the large majority of friends and family whose houses he has been in are like this.

[JustEm]

I disgree; I see very often how kids who have certain nice amenities think these are just the things that “everybody†has/does. Like one of my nephews, who, upon realizing that DS has only an iPOD, remarked, “You only have an iPOD?! I have an iPhone 7!†Or a few years ago, girls talking about how another girl’s boots were “FUggs†- Fake Uggs. Or another time when a kid told my kid that “7 friends over is NOT a party. Parties should be, like, 20 friends.†Or name-the-thing: “What do you mean, your internet is limited?†“You don’t have HBO?†“We can’t stream Netflix here?†“There aren’t any snacks? Can’t your mom go get Chick-Fil-A?â€

 

They become entitled simply because they think those things are normal. They aren’t even aware that some people live more modestly just because they choose to. It’s actually one reason I am more comfortable with my homeschooling community, because they are more likely to share my values.

The entitlement comes from parents not explaining to kids that others live differently than them. It isn't because they do or have those things.

[Twolittleboys]

I see where you are coming from but to be honest I would be delighted if my kids were invited more in general and doubly delighted if it was for a great vacation. 

[DawnM]

I disgree; I see very often how kids who have certain nice amenities think these are just the things that “everybody†has/does. Like one of my nephews, who, upon realizing that DS has only an iPOD, remarked, “You only have an iPOD?! I have an iPhone 7!†Or a few years ago, girls talking about how another girl’s boots were “FUggs†- Fake Uggs. Or another time when a kid told my kid that “7 friends over is NOT a party. Parties should be, like, 20 friends.†Or name-the-thing: “What do you mean, your internet is limited?†“You don’t have HBO?†“We can’t stream Netflix here?†“There aren’t any snacks? Can’t your mom go get Chick-Fil-A?â€

 

They become entitled simply because they think those things are normal. They aren’t even aware that some people live more modestly just because they choose to. It’s actually one reason I am more comfortable with my homeschooling community, because they are more likely to share my values.

 

But those things don't make the kid entitled.  The attitude about those things make the child entitled.  

[klmama]

Your dh doesn't want him to go. You don't want him to go.  Just say no.  

 

 

[mommyoffive]

Well, maybe sorta, but also, how much can any family really have those discussions, especially if that is also normal to the parents? So, for example, because my DH is a builder, we live in a big, nice house. To me, having grown up poor, it is a mind-blowing nice house. But my kids, especially the youngst, has always lived in this house. He has never shared a bedroom with a sibling, has never had to negotiate what to watch on the single TV, has never lacked simple things like closet space or a place for the Legos to go. To me, all these things are wonderful luxuries, but to him, it’s just living normally in a house he perceives as normal. So, I mean, I’m not going to preach to him every day abou how good he has it that his house does not embarrass him and that there is space and privacy for him to live in a high degree of comfort.

 

He has heard stories of sharing a bedroom with two other siblings. But it would still probably surprise him to go to a friend’s house where that is the sleeping situation. Hopefully, he wouldn’t say anything that makes him sound like a snobby kid who has always lived in a spacios house, but if he did, it would be because he thinks that is “normal,†if only because the large majority of friends and family whose houses he has been in are like this.

 

I don't think you have to do it every day, but you do have to bring things up to them.  Show them what it is like to have a different life.  Talk about how it was for you.  For others. 

Talk about how much things cost.  Let them work or save money to figure out how long it takes to buy something. 

 

Yes the house my kids are growing up in is one that I could have only dreamed of growing up as kid. 

But I do all the above and my kids do know that they are lucky.

 

Also even though when they didn't have to share rooms they still want to.  

[creekland]

I honestly don't believe my kids have an entitled bone in their body.  They've traveled with us and others from the time they were young.  They're ok at an expensive resort or pulling up a space on a gym or house floor in a room with many others.

 

Part of traveling (esp our part) is being able to see how others live their lives and learning that what one experiences is not normal across the board.

 

Youngsters who say things like "Why can't..." aren't entitled.  They just don't have nearly as much experience with life.  We all keep learning about others unless we pull into our own bubble and stay there judging the outside world.  One of the things I love about teaching high schoolers is being able to open eyes and minds.  I would absolutely love being able to take small groups of them places with us (sometimes parents included).  We just can't afford it.