No references may be my downfall

[Night Elf]

I had a phone interview for a library volunteer position. I did not write in any references on my application. She did ask about it and said they do check references. I had to admit I didn't know anyone outside my family. My jobs are old and one is even out of business. The one friend I made when my kids were young and going to a homeschool group dropped me for some reason. After I hung up, I did think of two people but I don't know. One is my dd's boyfriend. I've known him 4 years. And the other is an acquaintance I met when my ds was in a teen Aspergers group. We're facebook friends but we don't talk. I'd feel weird asking her.

 

So the library manager said she'd have to see if they could consider me for the job without references. She went ahead and scheduled me for a skills test tomorrow morning though. I guess we'll see. 

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:

 

If this doesn't work out, could you join some sort of social group?  Take a class at the local CC?  That might give you better access to references and something of interest to you.

 

Would it be possible to try volunteering at a place with fewer needs for references?

Edited October 24, 2017 by OneStepAtATime

[Kassia]

I hope it works out.  That would be a shame to be turned down for that.  Do you have neighbors who would be willing to be contacted as references?

[Spryte]

I was going to suggest neighbors. Old friends you've known forever but don't see often? Do you go to church?

Edited October 24, 2017 by Spryte

[Selkie]

Does your dh have any friends or coworkers that know you and could be listed as references?

[Night Elf]

UPDATE: She just called back to cancel my testing tomorrow. They cannot consider me without 3 references. She suggested the hospital might have the same policy. She said to try churches and the humane society. I can't imagine going to a church just to ask if I could volunteer when I'm not religious. But she said if I could just get on somewhere, I could probably get 3 names in a short time. 

 

So oh well. There goes that! Yet another disappointment in my task of getting out of the house.

[Night Elf]

I do not go to church. I do not know any of DH's coworkers. I only know one neighbor who comes and clears our driveway when it snows but we never talk so they don't really know me other than my name. I'm going to wait and see what the hospital says. If they'll take me, I won't need anything else. If they won't take me, I'll go to the humane society although I'm a little uncomfortable about working with animals that may scare me.

[emzhengjiu]

When I lost my job a few years ago, I used neighbors and friends. The company for which I had been working as a contract employee when out of business. The owners were no help. I applied for a seasonal retail position and got it. The company's application required 3 references, but those references were not checked.

[Lanny]

Good luck on the Skills test!    I would never give someone as a Reference, without asking them in advance, if it was OK to use them for a Reference.

 

I suggest that you explain that you are a "Return to Work" candidate, and for that reason you don't have any recent work references.

 

Can you possibly give a doctor, banker or someone you deal with occasionally?

 

Good luck!

[Wheres Toto]

I had a similar problem when I returned to work and when I started my 4-H club.   Many of my last few jobs were companies that no longer existed.  I did have one old boss that I kept sort-of in touch with, at least enough to use her as a reference.  Although I haven't talked to her in about 3 years now.   

 

My last job required 2 business references from people you worked with or for.  I ended up using Dh's business partner.  I did some occasional typing/data entry type work for them, although never really "worked" directly with him.

 

At one point I considered using my mother and my oldest daughter, both of whom have different last names than I do.  I did one time use someone that I was only online friends with, but that I was in contact with often and we had worked on a project together.  

[gaillardia]

I had not worked in more than 8 years but did have a way of contacting a former employer, two bosses, and several co-workers to use as references. My bosses were from jobs more than 20 years ago but thanks to the profession we're in, it was easy enough to find them on the 'nets.

I can also thank facebook for being able to contact co-workers.

Is there an inlaw of an inlaw you could contact?

 

[gaillardia]

Or your vet or the office staff at the vet's? You have pets, right? And have to take them to the vet. Maybe they would be willing to be references for you.

[Laura Corin]

nm 

Edited October 24, 2017 by Laura Corin

[Alessandra]

Wow, I can't believe they need all that for a volunteer job. I was trying to think -- family doctor, dentist, other professional, local car service station owner. I think the Aspie FB would be fine, would understand that parents of sn kids often don't have the flexibility to get out much.

 

Is the job one that involves working with children? Would the library be as strict with some other type of job?

 

If you have a dog and there is a dog park nearby, regular visits can lead to friends. Local Audubon Society walks are usually free and bird people are friendly. If I were in your position, I would scour papers, internet for local events and go -- often local organizations have booths and volunteer sign up opportunities. If money were available, classes at a local Y or health club.... still thinking -- League of Women Voters, local political campaigns. I know around my area, there are new groups on healthcare for all, other issues. You may just start by handing out leaflets or getting signatures, but it's a start.

[HSmomof2]

This is hard. I’ve had the same issue over the years. I am surprised they are requiring this for a volunteer position though. I can see doing a background check, but requiring three references is a little much. Try to think of anyone you know or known/worked with in the past......I found an old coworker on FB and asked if I could use her as a reference. She was more than happy to, and asked if she could use me as a reference as well. I also used an acquaintance from a co-op we attended. It’s awkward to ask people, but most are happy to give a reference.

[Night Elf]

I just checked the hospital volunteer application and it didn't ask for references so this might be okay. I emailed the person in charge of volunteers to ask if she had received my application yet but she hadn't. She said they had moved out of their offices for a bit and things have been hectic. She said to give it a few more days and if she doesn't receive it I can mail in a new one.

 

I appreciate all the suggestions. I'm not in contact with anyone from a former working life. The last job I had I was there only 5 months. The lady I worked with would gladly give me a reference because she was so sweet but I don't even remember her first name. That was over 7 years ago. The company I worked for before that isn't in business anymore and I have no idea how to get in touch with the owner. I left that job 16 years ago. 

 

I suppose I could list one of the staff at my vet. They know me, but really they only know I take excellent care of my pets. I can't see them being able to answer questions about my personality or reliability in a job. I do not know any of my medical providers I know enough to ask for a reference. The woman I knew at my dentist has retired and the new woman doesn't know me yet.

 

I'll know something about the hospital next week. If it doesn't pan out, I'll try the humane society. 

 

I might even have to reconsider getting a paying job if I can't get a volunteer position.

[Laura Corin]

Taking excellent care of pets shows that you are diligent, caring and organised. Get that reference!

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'd have a similar problem.  Let's just say I'd have to get really creative.

 

 

[Peaceseeker]

Another thought is to consider taking a class. You don't have to go back to college or anything (unless you want to!) but just an enrichment class or adult education class. The instructor could be a reference (people use teachers all the time for references) and you may also meet some one else you could use. You could gain some job skills and have something to do out of the house all at the same time. Is there a college nearby that offers adult education or continuing education? If you take 2 classes that could be 2 references.

 

Does your husband have a friend that knows you? They might be willing.

Edited October 24, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[J-rap]

Some kind of a continuing ed class is a great idea!  Do you have a community eduction program in your area?  They often have inexpensive, short-term classes (like one day/week for one month) on a whole host of subjects -- knitting, painting, you name it.  That would give you the opportunity to meet people who could maybe serve as a reference for you.  Even if they don't know you well, they could at least tell what they observed during the time spent with you.

 

I'm sorry you're in that predicament!  It's too bad we can't be your references!

 

ETA:  Also, I think you could use your dd's boyfriend in a pinch.  (As long as he likes you!  :)) 

 

 

 

Edited October 24, 2017 by J-rap

[SparklyUnicorn]

Maybe you could offer to pay for a background check (ya know like a criminal check).  Otherwise, my goodness it is a freaking library job that you aren't being paid for. 

 

 

[gingersmom]

Meals on wheels does a background check and did not require references.

[marbel]

Beth, I've no idea where you live so this might not be helpful.

 

I've discovered that my area has a lot of free resources for job seekers. (I know you are looking into volunteer work now but don't quit reading yet.). I've been to several seminars on various topics, such as interview skills, how to network, how to write a resume that highlights experience obtained outside the workplace. Right now I am taking a series of classes on Microsoft Office to improve those skills

 

If you had something like that, and went to some meetings and got to know some people, you might get some ideas you'd never thought of, and might get to know some people well enough to use as references. And, you'd get out off the house, which I know is one of your goals.

 

Just a thought, as you know you are free to ignore. :-)

 

ETA: my state, not just my part of it.

Edited October 24, 2017 by marbel

[marbel]

Maybe you could offer to pay for a background check (ya know like a criminal check). Otherwise, my goodness it is a freaking library job that you aren't being paid for.

I think references and criminal background checks serve different purposes.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think references and criminal background checks serve different purposes.

 

It's a volunteer job....in a library.  What is the worst thing that can happen?  They don't like her free help?

[marbel]

It's a volunteer job....in a library.  What is the worst thing that can happen?  They don't like her free help?

 

Well, yeah, there is that.  I agree it's crazy to ask for references.  But, I was just thinking that offering to get a background check done wouldn't help.  I wouldn't be surprised if she would need to get that done anyway to volunteer.  I think (but am not certain) that here in PA library workers (paid and volunteer) who work with children (which would be all librarians) have to have criminal background checks.  

[Night Elf]

There's not a community college, only a branch of a 4 year university and a technical school. The college does offer continuing education but I don't know much about it. It would have to be really cheap. I have a dd in college and we simply cannot afford for me to go to. I don't qualify for any aid, not even our state scholarships because their cutoff credit hours are 127 and I have over 130. We're paying a lot of money for dd to be away at school.

 

I think it's a moot point at this time. They've already dismissed me as a candidate. I'd have to wait a while before reapplying. 

 

I'm thinking of joining my Y and taking a yoga class. Maybe after being in that for a while I can use the teacher as a reference.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well, yeah, there is that.  I agree it's crazy to ask for references.  But, I was just thinking that offering to get a background check done wouldn't help.  I wouldn't be surprised if she would need to get that done anyway to volunteer.  I think (but am not certain) that here in PA library workers (paid and volunteer) who work with children (which would be all librarians) have to have criminal background checks.  

 

Well I was thinking that it would at least demonstrate she isn't a threat to anyone (no history of stealing, drugs, violence, etc.)  She can prove she is capable of handling a volunteer job while on the job (that she would be doing for free).  Who would put a negative reference anyway?

[foxbridgeacademy]

I also do not have any references.  When it has come up I lie.  I list my sister with a different last name and my husband's best friend who I've only met in person 1 time.  Society makes it almost impossible for SAHM's who are also introverts.

 

ETA: also references are stupid.  Like I'm going to give you the name of someone who's going to say anything other than wonderful praise?

Edited October 24, 2017 by foxbridgeacademy

[Carrie12345]

I'm sorry you've hit another bump.

 

While it wasn't the main reason, I did consider the concept of references when I was finally pushing myself to integrate into the community.  I think it was actually when I was researching Girl Scouts when my now teens were younger, and they wanted multiple references to start a troop.  Ones that went back a certain number of years.  Today, I have more than I really want, lol.  But it's definitely a good reason to get active.  Networking IS everything, which does stink for those of us who don't particularly enjoy it!

 

ETA:  My kids even needed references in order to volunteer at 14!

Edited October 24, 2017 by Carrie12345

[SparklyUnicorn]

I also do not have any references.  When it has come up I lie.  I list my sister with a different last name and my husband's best friend who I've only met in person 1 time.  Society makes it almost impossible for SAHM's who are also introverts.

 

I would have no qualms about doing this.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Just be sure your sister likes you. My sister used me as a reference, and I was honest.  Not because I don't like her, but because I felt she was not trustworthy with children.  She used me as a nanny reference without asking me, and I was called (and surprised). 

 

But library job?  I'd tell them sure she's great.  Because I think she could handle a library job.

 

 

[eternalsummer]

I don't lie, but I do list my mom and my sister and if necessary, my husband's twin sister.  They're people that know me.  So they're related, oh well.

[wonderchica]

It's not really a moot point though, as you will likely need at least one reference to get a paying job. I do hiring and where I work, we aren't allowed to hire anyone without a good reference. References are mainly just to hear someone say something like "Yeah, she's nice and friendly. She's not a serial killer". I'd look into the continuing ed- here something fun like painting or ASL only lasts 6 weeks and is about $75. Plenty of time to get to know a teacher or classmate well enough for them to say you seem like an okay person. Think long term, not short term. You say your goal is to get out of the house more, so you need to take the steps to do that. You've gotten a lot of good ideas here, and it sounds like you're making some attempts. Don't let a setback blow up your plans. Forge ahead!

[Bootsie]

In a situation where they are looking for personal references, rather than work references,  put a family member could be OK.  If possible, I would try to find a cousin, uncle, or in-law rather than a sibling.  If the person can speak to some particular qualities you have, that would be more meaningful as a reference--something like "Sally was the one we could count on for making all of the arrangements for the family reunion" or "I was always impressed by how seriously Molly took her job of homeschooling.  She was always exploring new curriculum and teaching methods." 

 

Your daughter's boyfriend may also be a possibility for a personal reference, especially if he is out of school and working.  Do you know any of his family members that you could ist as an acquaintance?

 

Depending on where you live, there are probably some churches in the area that have some volunteer activities like working with a food bank that you could get involved in without having a religious affiliation.  Many will also have some activities like a book club or sewing group that would be open to non-members and not depend upon religious beliefs.  

 

Does the library have a book or film club that you could join?  

[Renthead Mommy]

You've got over 13,000 posts on here.  It's not like you don't know people and people don't know you here! LOL!  You've been a member for over 8 years. I bet if you ask, a few people on here, who know you from their "homeschooling group", would be willing to reference you.  As someone they have known for years, worked great with kids, and is an active member, yada, yada, yada....

 

I mean it's not like you don't know hundreds of people here!  LOL!  And let's face it, some people (not necessarily you) have told people more things than they tell their in real life Bffs!    The introverts on here are probably more involved and extroverted than they realize...

Edited October 24, 2017 by Renthead Mommy

[marbel]

I'm sorry you've hit another bump.

 

While it wasn't the main reason, I did consider the concept of references when I was finally pushing myself to integrate into the community.  I think it was actually when I was researching Girl Scouts when my now teens were younger, and they wanted multiple references to start a troop.  Ones that went back a certain number of years.  Today, I have more than I really want, lol.  But it's definitely a good reason to get active.  Networking IS everything, which does stink for those of us who don't particularly enjoy it!

 

ETA:  My kids even needed references in order to volunteer at 14!

 

I was actually talking to someone about this tonight - someone who does hiring of paid workers and volunteers. She was not surprised that references were required even for a volunteer job and that it can be a red flag if a person can't point to a couple of people outside their family who knows them.  

[Night Elf]

The library does have two book clubs that I know of. I've watched their choices and so far none of them have sounded interesting which holds me back. I am very sensitive to reading material and television. I cannot handle intense material. I actually have about 15 or so books I have cycled through for months. I just keep rereading the same things. Sometimes I try something new but rarely do I finish it.

 

I don't know. This is just really hard for me. I've never been a social person so this is all way outside of my comfort zone. And now I've tried twice in finding something and was rejected both times. That's hard on my motivation to keep going. I wish I had a friend or two, someone to see occasionally just to do things with like eat out or go shopping. Getting out of the house was my counselor's idea because I'm dwelling on the past too much and am too hyper focused on my kids. I need other interests. Since starting this journey, I've been second guessing myself, wondering if I'm doing the right thing. 

 

As for the references, CVS didn't care that I didn't have any. They weren't even mentioned in my interview. I'd still like to know the real reason I didn't  get that job when the manager seemed so enthusiastic about hiring me. Twice he made it sound like he was trying to get me into his store asap. He blamed Human Resources for the screw up. So I don't know.

 

I'm depressed tonight. This is all so overwhelming.

[marbel]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  Does  your counselor facilitate group sessions?  I have known people who attend such groups and find that helpful. That might help you be more comfortable with people; you might find a compatible friend there, and it might give you confidence to seek other ways of finding friends.  

 

I know you feel rejected but try not to. Most people apply for multiple jobs before they get one, and searching can take a long time.  The fact that you've applied to two things and haven't gotten them doesn't really mean much.  I know it doesn't seem that way.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Ravin]

Have you tried a support group? 

 

[Catwoman]

It's a volunteer job....in a library.  What is the worst thing that can happen?  They don't like her free help?

I agree! They should happy that she's willing to work for free!

 

It's ridiculous that she should have to provide references for a volunteer job at the library. It's awkward to ask people to be your reference, and I can't imagine asking someone to be a reference for me so I could work for free at the library.

[displace]

(Hugs)

 

Maybe a local volunteer organization where you just show up on random days to volunteer? Or circle K has volunteering activities, or an online volunteer something. Don't get discouraged if you want to do this. Maybe meetup.com for local groups in your area, like book club or game night? You can even join with your DH, and after meeting someone for a while get a reference. Or a knitting club?

[Xahm]

For some reason I think you live in the Atlanta area. If so, I'd be happy to meet at a park, chat for a bit, and then be a reference. Pm me if you do. I'm probably really wrong about where you live, though.

[scoutingmom]

 

 

ETA: also references are stupid. Like I'm going to give you the name of someone who's going to say anything other than wonderful praise?

You would be surprised. I did some help with hiring at one company... and there was a few occasions.

 

Sent from my SM-G903W using Tapatalk

[wonderchica]

 

You would be surprised. I did some help with hiring at one company... and there was a few occasions.

 

Sent from my SM-G903W using Tapatalk

Yes! It's rare, but it has happened when I call people. Especially work related references. Most people are careful about what they say, but you can definitely make it clear you wouldn't re-hire someone.

[Alessandra]

Night Elf

 

I am sorry you are going through this. For myself, I try to take baby steps when things seem overwhelming. I think you mentioned yoga at the Y? That sounds promising.

 

I would keep my eye out for very local opportunities, like local clean up days. Put Earth aday on your calendar. If you can say that you live just around the corner -- then you already have something in common with the other people.

 

Jumping into the library thing -- with their reference thing -- might be too big a step for the first venture. Besides you may not actually like the library. It sounds like a place that requires a bit of a commitment.

 

I have a lot of friends, but asking them for references would make me cringe. It's not easy!

[elegantlion]

 

 

I'm depressed tonight. This is all so overwhelming.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug: I'm sorry, it can feel overwhelming. I do wish we lived closer. I also would love to have coffee with you. 

[JennyD]

I was actually talking to someone about this tonight - someone who does hiring of paid workers and volunteers. She was not surprised that references were required even for a volunteer job and that it can be a red flag if a person can't point to a couple of people outside their family who knows them.  

 

Red flag for what?  I'm not being snarky -- actually curious. 

[Caraway]

The library does have two book clubs that I know of. I've watched their choices and so far none of them have sounded interesting which holds me back. I am very sensitive to reading material and television. I cannot handle intense material. I actually have about 15 or so books I have cycled through for months. I just keep rereading the same things. Sometimes I try something new but rarely do I finish it.

 

I don't know. This is just really hard for me. I've never been a social person so this is all way outside of my comfort zone. And now I've tried twice in finding something and was rejected both times. That's hard on my motivation to keep going. I wish I had a friend or two, someone to see occasionally just to do things with like eat out or go shopping. Getting out of the house was my counselor's idea because I'm dwelling on the past too much and am too hyper focused on my kids. I need other interests. Since starting this journey, I've been second guessing myself, wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

 

As for the references, CVS didn't care that I didn't have any. They weren't even mentioned in my interview. I'd still like to know the real reason I didn't get that job when the manager seemed so enthusiastic about hiring me. Twice he made it sound like he was trying to get me into his store asap. He blamed Human Resources for the screw up. So I don't know.

 

I'm depressed tonight. This is all so overwhelming.

What about a knitting group? Often libraries have knitting groups, the people tend to be nice, it’s usually quiet and relaxed.

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Amy in NH]

You've got over 13,000 posts on here. It's not like you don't know people and people don't know you here! LOL! You've been a member for over 8 years. I bet if you ask, a few people on here, who know you from their "homeschooling group", would be willing to reference you. As someone they have known for years, worked great with kids, and is an active member, yada, yada, yada....

 

I mean it's not like you don't know hundreds of people here! LOL! And let's face it, some people (not necessarily you) have told people more things than they tell their in real life Bffs! The introverts on here are probably more involved and extroverted than they realize...

This is exactly what I was thinking, but you beat me to the post!