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Teen sleep schedule... it needs to change!


IndigoGlitter
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I need some recommendation on how to do this. My 15 year old has taken to the graveyard shift. He goes to sleep around 5-7am a lot of mornings (not all) and doesn't get up until midaftenoon/evening.

 

He does play on his consoles and computer all night and I do know about the blue light etc. The thing is I am asleep when he is up so I have a harder time controlling when he goes to bed. I try to tell him to go to bed at least by 2am but he doesn't always. Do I ease him into a new sleep schedule, shock him into it by making him stay up Which isn't my preferred way but I don't know what would be the easiest. Suggestions on that would be great.

 

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Set up a kill switch timer on the internet access or the computer power.  It goes off at a set time each night.  He is probably not going to be able to regulate himself.  He will need external support.  

 

Also, I would kill the computer at least an hour before he really needs to be asleep.  It will take time for him to wind down.

 

 What about shifting things completely so computer is off by 10pm but he can stay up listening to audio books or some other non-blue light activity in his room until he is sleepy?  And wake up time is a mandatory 11am whether he got any sleep or not.

 

If that doesn't work, I would enroll him in something requiring a lot of physical activity each day and remove computer access for two weeks while he tries to reset his body clock then limit computer time to only 2-3 hours every afternoon or early evening, no computer time past maybe 8pm or something.  

 

Does he have anything he enjoys doing besides the computer?

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During the school year, I have our router set to turn off at 10pm on school nights. That encourages everyone to stay on a reasonable schedule.

 

During summer? They shift right to graveyard life. I'm fine with that as long as they don't sleep past noon.

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If there are no outside commitments right now, use human physiology to reset his schedule... will take 1-2 weeks. Humans are actually designed to live on a 25-26 hour day if there are no time cues (including daylight).

 

Have him stay up 2 to 3 hours later each day, then sleep that much later. So say he went to bed at 4am and got up at 3pm, have him stay up to 6am, and sleep to 5pm. Next time he goes to bed at say 9am and sleeps to about 8pm. Then he stays up to noon and gets up at 11pm. Then 3pm getting up at 2am . Then 6pm getting up at 5am. Then slow down the gain, so do 8pm and 7am, then 9:30pm and 7:30am, then 10pm and finally 10pm and 8am.

 

If you try to adjust by going to bed earlier, he likely would not be able to sleep. It is hard to make the change and it likely doesn't last. This is easier.

 

Of course, some people like the peace and freedom of the night hours... this doesn't address that.

 

Sent from my SM-T530NU using Tapatalk

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Have him stay up 2 to 3 hours later each day, then sleep that much later. So say he went to bed at 4am and got up at 3pm, have him stay up to 6am, and sleep to 5pm. Next time he goes to bed at say 9am and sleeps to about 8pm. Then he stays up to noon and gets up at 11pm. Then 3pm getting up at 2am . Then 6pm getting up at 5am. Then slow down the gain, so do 8pm and 7am, then 9:30pm and 7:30am, then 10pm and finally 10pm and 8am.

 

 

This could be a good plan for someone with an actual sleep disorder. I am assuming, however, that this boy's sleep pattern is self-imposed, not the result of a medical problem. If all screens were taken away, I really doubt he'd be staying up that late.

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If there are no outside commitments right now, use human physiology to reset his schedule... will take 1-2 weeks. Humans are actually designed to live on a 25-26 hour day if there are no time cues (including daylight).

 

Have him stay up 2 to 3 hours later each day, then sleep that much later. So say he went to bed at 4am and got up at 3pm, have him stay up to 6am, and sleep to 5pm. Next time he goes to bed at say 9am and sleeps to about 8pm. Then he stays up to noon and gets up at 11pm. Then 3pm getting up at 2am . Then 6pm getting up at 5am. Then slow down the gain, so do 8pm and 7am, then 9:30pm and 7:30am, then 10pm and finally 10pm and 8am.

 

If you try to adjust by going to bed earlier, he likely would not be able to sleep. It is hard to make the change and it likely doesn't last. This is easier.

 

Of course, some people like the peace and freedom of the night hours... this doesn't address that.

 

Sent from my SM-T530NU using Tapatalk

The bolded is why I sometimes stay up quite late.  I love the peace and freedom of a house where everyone else is asleep.

 

As for the suggestion for adjustment, actually this is what my own son did by his own choice one time and it actually worked pretty well.

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I have a night owl and I am a night owl. My rule is that if my kids are not in bed and trying to sleep by 11pm, then they can get out of bed and do their school work in advance. We ended up getting lots of math, science and Chinese homework done after 11pm for DS12 who sleeps until noon most days.

 

My kids play games on their iPads that don't need wifi so locking down the router won't be useful for us. We haven't had to lock up devices yet.

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It's one thing for someone to be a night owl and be productive with their time. If this kid were cleaning, doing school work, or working on a hobby in those hours, I'd be less concerned. But instead he may be spending enough hours gaming for it to be a full-time job. (Apologies if he is gaming less than I am assuming.)

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He's so reversed that it's probably an issue for life, but I wouldn't consider that a "red flag." I kept those hours every summer of high school and so did many of my friends. And this was basically pre-internet and none of us were big into our younger siblings' NES's. It's a teen thing. 

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This could be a good plan for someone with an actual sleep disorder. I am assuming, however, that this boy's sleep pattern is self-imposed, not the result of a medical problem. If all screens were taken away, I really doubt he'd be staying up that late.

Ds has done this multiple times and he does not have a sleeping disorder. It works really well.

 

I agree with Farrar. I kept those kind of hours as a teen without video games. (Honestly, I've kept them this week without video games. I'm a night owl.)

 

He is probably losing track of time and probably has no idea when it is 2am. Maybe he could set an alarm to remind him. Otherwise, you're going to have to take electronics away.

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If he were my kid, I would inform him that if he can't restrain himself with his screens enough to go to sleep and wake up at  reasonable times (which you specify), the screens will be gone for one month.  Then you try again.  Rinse, repeat.

 

ETA: And I should mention that I have had to do some version of the above with both of my children.

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I would talk to him and find out his perspective. What are the benefits of his present schedule. Does he see any downsides. Then I would share specififics about my concerns, e.g. any concerns about gaming itself (after you have researched the issue), addictive-like behavior if that is a factor, lack of time spent interacting with family. "Reasonable hours" is entirely subjective and won't likely convince anyone of anything.

 

See if the two of you can come up with a solution that addresses both of your concerns.

 

I would not slam out a dictatorial "My way or the highway".

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This could be a good plan for someone with an actual sleep disorder. I am assuming, however, that this boy's sleep pattern is self-imposed, not the result of a medical problem. If all screens were taken away, I really doubt he'd be staying up that late.

This doesn't have to be just for a sleep disorder. I have used this on my own child to get him back to a normal schedule. Now, I would still do as others have suggested and turn off the internet and electronics at the same time too keep the child from reverting back to the previous schedule.

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He's so reversed that it's probably an issue for life, but I wouldn't consider that a "red flag." I kept those hours every summer of high school and so did many of my friends. And this was basically pre-internet and none of us were big into our younger siblings' NES's. It's a teen thing. 

 

Some kids do, sure.

 

But he isn't doing a variety of normal things - he's spending all night gaming.

 

That is a very typical thing that happens with gaming addiction, playing all night, essentially because they don't get off until they crash and have to.

 

If he was smoking pot all night every night, or playing slot machines, people would think it could be an addiction issue.

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My son has the same issue. What worked for him was going to visit his Grandparents and getting up early to go fishing for a few days in a row. The first morning was rough for him, but now he's getting up much earlier (by noon) versus trying to sleep in most of the afternoon. This worked because he loves to fish, and didn't have his computer there. 

 

Maybe arrange a camping trip for a few days?

 

 

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I need some recommendation on how to do this. My 15 year old has taken to the graveyard shift. He goes to sleep around 5-7am a lot of mornings (not all) and doesn't get up until midaftenoon/evening.

 

He does play on his consoles and computer all night and I do know about the blue light etc. The thing is I am asleep when he is up so I have a harder time controlling when he goes to bed. I try to tell him to go to bed at least by 2am but he doesn't always. Do I ease him into a new sleep schedule, shock him into it by making him stay up Which isn't my preferred way but I don't know what would be the easiest. Suggestions on that would be great.

I haven't read all the replies but I can tell you a lot of hard work will solve this problem. My son has worked full time all summer and although he hangs out with his friends a lot he doesn't stay up all,night. Tonight he worked on the yard after wor and I thought he was going out but next thing I know he is asleep by 8:30.

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What are you particular concerns regarding his schedule?  Are you concerned about overall amount of sleep?  Are you concerned that his sleeping during the day is disrupting the family?  Are you concerned about how much time he is using electronics?  IME some of this behavior is not unusual for teenagers.  If you are concerned about some part of it, I would suggest focusing on that part.

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I think I'd be a little concerned about his night habits and a possible addiction.  Since he is just 15, you can still parent him and I'd work hard on this now.  In a few more years, it will be a lot harder.  I'd lovingly take away his devices at night, but yeah -- maybe making it feel fun by going on a camping trip for a couple days would be a good thing.  Let him know that you're on his side!  Together you'll get a handle on this.

 

Of course it might not be an addiction or anything serious, just an off sleep cycle.  But I'd still work on it now, because in the long run he will be happier having a normal sleep schedule, especially as school and activities start up again.  So I'd still take away all devices.  My guess is that his sleep will start to improve on its own when you do that.

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My dd has always shifted to being awake during the night on summer break.  We work to change her back about a week ahead of school, but if she waits till the last night of summer, then she has a sleepy day or two and readjusts then.  I don't really care when she sleeps or is awake and her natural pattern is nights. 

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My dd has always shifted to being awake during the night on summer break.  We work to change her back about a week ahead of school, but if she waits till the last night of summer, then she has a sleepy day or two and readjusts then.  I don't really care when she sleeps or is awake and her natural pattern is nights. 

 

 

Mine could deal with having to miss sleep to catch planes and otherwise deal with the outside world when they had to.

 

They're still under thirty, so they probably haven't outgrown teen sleep yet, but it's actually been a plus as far as being able to work the graveyard shift that nobody else wanted to take.

 

I didn't take away their devices. It didn't even occur to me to do so. I remember him working on his MySpace but she was usually reading things like Anna Karenina. I was working the early shift so we hardly ever saw each other and those were stressful years, but in retrospect, the sleep deprivation was affecting me the same way the newborn years did and I woulda coulda shoulda stressed a lot less about when their sleep happened than about the sleep deprivation itself.

 

It's a lot harder to remember when I WAS the teenager now, but I think Mom probably made the same mistakes I did about focusing on the unpleasantness of a temporary developmental stage at the expense of the long term relationship with a human being who wouldn't be going through that developmental stage for very long. I vaguely remember a lot of "lazy" comments when I was winding down a very productive multi-hour sessions of homework, creative writing, hobbies and quiet personal interests, etc. that she would have praised me for if she had seen me doing the exact same things between 3PM-10PM that I habitually did between 10PM and 3AM or even later.

 

Fifteen is legal driving age in some states. I'd be more concerned about that than gaming if I were parenting a teen right now.

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He's so reversed that it's probably an issue for life, but I wouldn't consider that a "red flag." I kept those hours every summer of high school and so did many of my friends. And this was basically pre-internet and none of us were big into our younger siblings' NES's. It's a teen thing. 

 

Yeah, I used to stay up all hours reading.  We didn't have Internet or video games.

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It's a lot harder to remember when I WAS the teenager now, but I think Mom probably made the same mistakes I did about focusing on the unpleasantness of a temporary developmental stage at the expense of the long term relationship with a human being who wouldn't be going through that developmental stage for very long. I vaguely remember a lot of "lazy" comments when I was winding down a very productive multi-hour sessions of homework, creative writing, hobbies and quiet personal interests, etc. that she would have praised me for if she had seen me doing the exact same things between 3PM-10PM that I habitually did between 10PM and 3AM or even later.

That's not an issue. If my dd were getting her schoolwork and chores done, working on hobby projects, but at 3am? Fine!

 

It becomes a problem when nothing is done and the hobbies that are touched turn inappropriate, dark, and get worse with each night.

 

Then there's no functioning during the day. No hanging out with friends, no physical activity, no meals. Not a single productive thing. And no, her gaming use is not considered productive because of the other doors it's introduced and open.

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My 13 year old would game all day and night if we let him (or watch youtube videos). We had to create boundaries for him where he has access to his computer now from 9-12 and then from 3-6.  When we start school back in August we will change the hours.  My son was becoming addicted and would balk at the idea of family time ...or really anything that was pulling him away from his computer. His attitude clearly displayed we needed to step in.  This solution has worked out well, and for us, it has helped him find some much needed balance. 

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Well I can tell you from my nursing days it is much easier to stay up and work an extra shift AFTER your normal schedule than it is to function waking up 8 hours earlier.  So I'd second the stay up later and later each day for a week option.

 

Quicker is to wake him up at the normal time you'd like him awake, make him eat a meal with protein in it, and keep him physically busy in day light.  He'll be grumpy for 3-4 days, and you might find you need to flip breakers to keep the power off in his areas of the house, but it will work.  If there's nothing to do at night and no sources of artificial light (including flash lights and cell phones), he will switch back to normal, daylight waking hours in less than a week.  Which isn't to say one night with access to video games wouldn't switch him back again.  It would.

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Think about the reasons you want him on a different schedule. Is it just because it is annoying.

 

From your description, it sounds like your DS is isolating himself. So I'd consider if depression is an issue.

 

My kids were required regular exercise through the teen years. Does your DS exercise. Perhaps you can make a start by going for walks daily when he gets up. Then look at choosing a family judo class or find a teen oriented group exercise class at a Y or community center. To help him develop the habit you will be involved. Does your DS swim well enough to pass a lifeguard class. Maybe an adult lap swim class would be good. Then he could get the Lifeguard cert and get a job, which will put him on a better schedule.

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It's not the gaming itself that's the problem. It's the platforms, the influences, and everything else involved.

 

It can go from gaming to scary sh*t pretty quickly.

but this is true during the day too? and in the evening. 

 

My only concern with my gamer teen is that he wake at a reasonable time to participate in over activities. exclusively gaming, alone, at night is not a healthy lifestyle. He needs regular meals, outdoor time, social interaction. Mine isn't an online gamer, so he's not even getting that rudimentary interaction. and, of course, now, schoolwork. 

 

when he's had trouble with staying up to late, I've just sent him to bed when I go. That means 7:30 some nights when D and I are overtired. He can read, play yugioh, chat with his brother, but He has to turn off the xbox. 

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We use computer software to limit our kids' hours. The computers log off completely at 9 pm on school nights for the kids' accounts, 10 on weekends. There's no nagging needed on my part.

We did this as well and it has worked so well. One of my children was staying up till 2am on school nights. The other was texting all night. So we got Disney mycircle and it shuts the internet/cell off at whatever time we set. There is no forgetting, no losing track of time, no sneaking the device etc.

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Wow! I wasn't expecting the response I had lol.

 

Little more background.

 

He is into programming and "hacking". He likes to try and "hack" games to get things like extra lives "God mode" etc. Please, I am not arguing ethics here just stating what he is doing. He doesn't wipe his history (I can view it anytime) or anything he isn't visiting the dark web. When he is up during daylight he will do his chores etc.

 

I am not concerned with any addictions or anything and he isn't depressed. His sleeping is just backwards from mainstream. *I* have a hard time wrapping my head around it because I wasn't like that as a teenager. I was the first one to leave parties to go to sleep if I had to work the next morning. I needed my sleep lol. What am I saying, I still need my sleep.

 

My oldest went through a phase similar to this as well and I would get on her about it too. She still goes to sleep late but more like 2am instead of later.

 

I have only two concerns with his sleeping schedule. One, quality. We RV full time and while he is sleeping we are all up. He doesn't have his own room to get a good quiet sleep. The hubs, other two kids and myself are up and about doing our thing and he trying to sleep. My second concern, and this may be selfishness on my part, is he doesn't get his chores done when he isn't up during the day. He can't do them at night because he's wake us up, I will say he would do them at night if it was an option. He doesn't need to get up at 8am and go to bed at 10pm. I don't even go to bed till 11-12 myself. I would just prefer him to be awake during more daylight hours and less during nighttime hours.

 

I hope that clears a little mud.

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We did this as well and it has worked so well. One of my children was staying up till 2am on school nights. The other was texting all night. So we got Disney mycircle and it shuts the internet/cell off at whatever time we set. There is no forgetting, no losing track of time, no sneaking the device etc.

 

What software did you use? I have looked into that but the software I have seen was also restrictive of the internet in general. If I used something like this I'd want it to only limit time. KWIM?

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What about just a simple straightforward discussion with him about how you don't mind that he's enjoying the night hours, but that you'd like him to be awake by noon (or other time you feel appropriate).  

 

When I was a teen I would literally stay up all night in the summer reading book after book after book.  But we had a household rule that no one slept past 9:00 (unless mom was gone...) so if I didn't turn out the lights soon enough, I didn't have such a great day afterwards.  It was on me then, not on the Big Bad Parent at the time. 

 

The RV situation does make it a little more tricky, but I would just have a conversation and together work on what you both think are reasonable times.  I have to laugh at the suggestions to go camping, because when we camp my kids stay up until the wee hours playing board games!  They stay awake far later into the night when camping than any other time of the year.

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Full time RV. I'd make a family rule: everyone is up by X time. I'd also say the time can be amended earlier based family need. Because he is in bed so late now, the earliest time I'd start with for him is 12. I'd wake him at 12. Before I woke him I'd locate and lock up all his electronics. If he was up and reasonably participating in family activities then I'd put his electronics out for him to use. Basically any day he's not up is a day that he doesn't have electronics.

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I hope that clears a little mud.

 

 

It clears a lot. I hope this:

 

On Hacking

 

Words to avoid because they are loaded or confusing

 

because you are literally the only person on WTM I have ever seen using the word correctly, lol.

 

He sounds like a great kid. You sound like you would have been a dream of an easy teenager too.

 

Best of luck to both of you in navigating this biologically challenging but thankfully temporary stage of human development.

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Some kids do, sure.

 

But he isn't doing a variety of normal things - he's spending all night gaming.

 

That is a very typical thing that happens with gaming addiction, playing all night, essentially because they don't get off until they crash and have to.

 

If he was smoking pot all night every night, or playing slot machines, people would think it could be an addiction issue.

I agree with this. Staying up late hours as a teen is not the same as gaming or being on a screen all night. The effects on dopamine and neuronal receptor reorganization is not good. It ultimately leads to the dulling out of other life activities that don't give as big of a dopamine payout. It can induce depression, inattention and boredom/dissatisfaction with achool work, reading becomes boring, irritability can be induced and the biggest telling sign? Ask the teen to give up night time computers for a couple of weeks and watch the reaction. If I had a dollar for every parent that regretted allowing it after the fact I would be rich. Just watch him closely and monitor his reactions. Sometimes parents mistake tech addiction attitudes for normal teen irritability and there is a difference. It is good to get educated in the signs so you can be prepared to step in if need be.

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If I were living in an RV fulltime with several family members, I think I would be awake when many of them are asleep; and I know I would have been when I was a teen.  As an introvert, I would have treasured my quiet, alone time.  I would have spent hours in the night working on a logic puzzle--if computers were around that time would have probably been spent on trying to solve some type of computer game.  My mom is an extreme extrovert; she could never understand why I would prefer to spend hours alone working a puzzle than with a group of people (and would often jump to the conclusion that I was depressed).  

 

Being considerate of the schedules of others and making sure that all of the chores are done are an important part of family life.  I would focus on solutions for those issues rather than jumping to concerns regarding addiction or depression (unless there are other signs).  

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If I were living in an RV fulltime with several family members, I think I would be awake when many of them are asleep; and I know I would have been when I was a teen.  As an introvert, I would have treasured my quiet, alone time.  I would have spent hours in the night working on a logic puzzle--if computers were around that time would have probably been spent on trying to solve some type of computer game.  My mom is an extreme extrovert; she could never understand why I would prefer to spend hours alone working a puzzle than with a group of people (and would often jump to the conclusion that I was depressed).  

 

Being considerate of the schedules of others and making sure that all of the chores are done are an important part of family life.  I would focus on solutions for those issues rather than jumping to concerns regarding addiction or depression (unless there are other signs).  

 

I agree. I would be desperate for some quiet and solitude!

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Yeah, I would consider the RV lifestyle as part of his need to up all night. My son is a programmer and night owl. He would have a similar schedule at that age. My rule was he had to be up and ready if we had plans the next day (generally not until after noon), schoolwork had to be done before I went to bed, and chores were to be done. 

 

I didn't fight it because 1. neither of us are morning people, 2. I was in the process of divorce then my dad was sick, so we had enough stress and chaos in our lives, 3. I started college (online the first year) and it allowed me to do all my work before he got up, 4. weird sleeping habits have always been a homeschool perk for us. 

 

Thing is, ds is a different person at 3 a.m., it's like he's energized by the night. Seriously, take the kid to waffle house at 3 a.m. and he's like most people during the day. 

 

How did I cope? Lists and white boards, chores were to be checked off in case they were done after I went to bed. I did not tiptoe around him. Although his room was upstairs, it was a small house. I grew up with a dad who worked second shift and we always had to be quiet, it was annoying. So if my stuff woke him up, tough. 

 

How did it work? Ds just finished his second year of college. He aced his programming classes partially because of all the time she spent researching, watching videos, and staying up all night working on stuff. He's had more than one semester with an 8 a.m. class and has survived. He can transition between schedules much easier now, in fact he's still asleep right now (1:40 pm). 

 

We tease that he's on Tokyo time because he'd like to move to Japan and is really on their 9 to 5 schedule already. He visited last summer and had very little jet lag. 

 

For you, I don't know. I can see how the RV lifestyle would be hard to support the sleeping, but it would also be hard for a teen to have privacy. I would probably work on some compromises and line out what is working, what is not working (without considering this behavior abnormal), and what responsibilities and criteria you have for him to support a night owl lifestyle. Give him some ownership of the process instead of trying to paint it as defiance or computer addiction issues. Maybe take him to a Waffle House at 3 a.m. and brainstorm some ideas together. 

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My DS needs to be on a schedule of sorts. I have daily expectations of my son, and he wants things that only his parents can provide. We signed a contract at the beginning of summer specifically stating sleep time (midnight), wake time (10am), and chores without complaint. In return, he participates in sports, drives my car, earns money, and hangs with friends. If he doesn't deliver, I don't deliver. It's as simple as that.

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. 

 

How did it work? Ds just finished his second year of college. He aced his programming classes partially because of all the time she spent researching, watching videos, and staying up all night working on stuff. He's had more than one semester with an 8 a.m. class and has survived. He can transition between schedules much easier now, in fact he's still asleep right now (1:40 pm). 

 

 

Way back when, when I was in college you just about had to do this to be a computer science major.  The middle of the night was the only time students could get access to the computers.  When I was doing research for my PhD, tapes were loaded and programs run at night.  If your program had a bug and you were not at the lab to catch it, you found out the next morning and had to wait until the next evening to try to run your program again.

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